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Transcript
00:00All right, so then, 5 times 4 is what?
00:04Yes.
00:0520.
00:0620, correct.
00:07Good job.
00:13Look, look, look!
00:15Look away, look away!
00:17It's okay, we'll be going soon!
00:18So, back when this mall was up and running,
00:21a giant Ben Franklin head would drop down
00:23every hour on the hour and welcome you to the mall.
00:26Switch must have gotten hit by accident,
00:28so he's back.
00:30We don't know how to stop it.
00:32It's truly terrifying,
00:34but I do like hearing about the old deals
00:36for the stores that used to be here.
00:37In this world, nothing can be served
00:41except debt, taxes,
00:43and this week's back to school so you won't see it!
00:46Hey, see, nothing to be cared of!
00:48No!
00:49Remember, a penny saved is a hidden herb.
00:53Come back, please, every time!
01:10What's going on?
01:10I'm worried.
01:11This neighborhood is just as safe as Abbott's,
01:12if not safer.
01:13Hey, Ryan.
01:14Go ahead, take a seat.
01:14We can get started soon, okay?
01:16Actually, I have some questions for you.
01:17When are we getting back into Abbott?
01:19Uh, well, there was a lot of damage,
01:21so they're just trying to make sure it's all safe
01:22before we head back in.
01:23And when is the breakfast program coming back?
01:26We're-we're still working on that.
01:28And when are we getting the new school bus schedules?
01:30I understand your concerns.
01:32Who told this school was the new location?
01:35How's this gonna affect state testing?
01:37And my son said there's ghosts.
01:39Why haven't you busted them?
01:40Okay, all great questions.
01:42And I promise you, we are working very hard
01:44to get this all figured out, so...
01:48Fine, I'll hold.
01:49Still trying to get answers from the district,
01:51deal with exit paperwork,
01:52get some new teachers in here,
01:54start a breakfast program,
01:55get that giant head stop coming down,
01:57and I still gotta sell those designer clothes
01:59that I found in those boxes.
02:00Ugh.
02:01Maybe women can't have it all.
02:04Dude.
02:05I don't know if she realizes it,
02:06but since we've been at the mall,
02:08Melissa's, like, slowly regressing to the 80s.
02:10The hair, the makeup, the music.
02:12If I have to hear Pet Shop Boys one more time
02:14on the ride in here, I'm gonna...
02:17Lose it.
02:18Oh, I know.
02:19A community sharing a viral moment when I see one.
02:21What, is there a new baby hippo or something?
02:23No.
02:24Last night at the school board meeting,
02:25someone slapped Sister Sloss in the face.
02:27No way!
02:28Yes, way!
02:29Look at this.
02:30Look.
02:30She walked across.
02:32I don't know what she said.
02:33Boom!
02:35Oh!
02:35Gosh, you could've killed her.
02:37I know people say I hate to see it,
02:39but I don't really.
02:40That's gotta feel good, right,
02:42bar, watching your rival just get a cheek full?
02:44Melissa, I do not condone violence.
02:47Come on.
02:48You and I both know if anyone deserves a table
02:50for one of the smackaroni grill at Sloss.
02:52I do not know that, Melissa.
02:54Okay.
02:55Tasha, you of all people, you agree with me.
02:57What?
02:58Girl, I don't care about anything.
03:00I agree with you, Melissa.
03:02Jesus.
03:04One smack could change the world.
03:06Okay.
03:07Yeah.
03:08We're just two buds that bonded over a slap.
03:11There's no secret plan to take her away from her friend group.
03:13I am loving this whole look, Melissa.
03:16This mall's got you nostalgic for the 80s.
03:18I don't know what you're talking about.
03:19I look like this every day.
03:21Hey, how's it going with your older kids?
03:23You know, it's going okay, but I'm still having trouble with that website, that smart assess.
03:28I input the grades in like four different places and the parents are still complaining they can't access them, so.
03:33You know, I was having that same problem earlier this year, but I think I found some settings that might
03:38help.
03:39I could swing by your storefront and set you up.
03:42Well, yeah, that actually, that'd be helpful.
03:45Yeah.
03:46Thanks.
03:47Of course.
03:48I'd love to help my friends.
03:52They were yelling at you too, weren't they?
03:54Nick, your Tariq is here.
03:56Uh, hold on now.
03:57I'm not here in my capacity as an amazing do-it-all father.
04:02I'm here as president of the PTA.
04:04Okay, then who's picking up Nick?
04:05I forgot to arrange that with his daddy.
04:07Okay, we're here because parents have been coming to us with lots of questions.
04:11Yes, and where are the updates?
04:13You need an update on who's picking up Nick.
04:15Oop, gagged me.
04:17Okay, we understand that there's been a miscommunication.
04:19So, what can we do to help?
04:21How about a PTA meeting with Principal Coleman?
04:23We've tried reaching out to her, but no luck.
04:26Yeah.
04:27Yeah, sure.
04:27That's a good idea.
04:28We will talk to Ava and set that up.
04:30Thank you, I'll see you.
04:30Easy.
04:31Bye.
04:32Tariq?
04:32Yeah?
04:33Did you want to get Nick?
04:38Hey!
04:39Hi!
04:40My pride and joy.
04:42My only begotten son.
04:45What's up?
04:48Hey, Ava.
04:49What do you want?
04:50I'm busy.
04:51And what's crazy is I'm not lying.
04:52Well, we just met with the heads of the PTA, and they suggested a meeting with you and
04:57the parents where you answer everything.
04:58Everything like what?
05:00Well, they have questions about bus routes and air quality and why their kids are learning
05:04in classrooms made of broken glass.
05:06Well, that'll be a waste of time.
05:08What's really a waste of time is the hour we lose every morning dealing with this.
05:11What do you want me to tell them?
05:12I don't know when we're going to be back.
05:13Well, if I learn anything from my time as principal, it's... I think they just want
05:17to be heard.
05:18Yes, I would love a water.
05:19Thank you, Gregory.
05:21Look, what do you think is the best use of my time?
05:23Listening to them complain or trying to get the answers that they're looking for?
05:26Well, maybe Gregory and I can do it then.
05:29I mean, if they just want to be heard, we can listen.
05:32Right?
05:32And then it's done.
05:33Then we can get our mornings back.
05:35Yeah.
05:35I yearn for the day when you two don't need an audience for your problem solving.
05:40Oh, oops.
05:41Oh, my God.
05:41One more thing.
05:43Um, did the district respond to our request for full-size whiteboards?
05:46Daya?
05:47Escort them out.
05:49That's Mr. Johnson.
05:50No, that's Daya.
05:51He's filling in for her while she's on vacation.
05:53Doing a pretty damn good impression.
05:54I don't get paid enough for this.
05:56I'm still finding the character.
05:57Y'all got any dying notes?
05:59Help a sister out.
06:02Okay, so all you do is you toggle everything off.
06:05Mm-hmm.
06:06All the way down the line, all the way down the line, just toggle this one on.
06:09And you can leave that field blank.
06:11That's unbelievable.
06:12I figured it out last week.
06:13I just clicked on everything until something worked.
06:15Okay.
06:16You know you can always come to me for your tech needs.
06:19Yeah, thanks, man.
06:20See you later.
06:21See ya.
06:23Jacob?
06:25Good day, Melissa.
06:27What the hell was that?
06:28What was what?
06:29You're hanging out with Morton?
06:31No, he's helping me with the website, the Smartassess.
06:34He could've helped you.
06:35Yeah, your help always comes with too many words.
06:37His help is misogynistic, but brief.
06:39Well, then I will keep this feminist, but hasty.
06:42Stay away from him, Queen.
06:44Okay.
06:45We weren't hanging out.
06:47But he does have a Pac-Man machine in his classroom.
06:50He said, I could use it whenever I want.
06:52Oh, by the way, if you ever see a game where all the top scorers are ASS, that's me.
06:55I'm ass.
06:58Barf, barf, barf, barf, barf, barf, barf, barf, barf.
07:01What?
07:02I believe Morton is trying to steal Melissa.
07:06He's trying to steal Melissa so he can make his own friend group.
07:09Oh, my God!
07:10He's trying to steal Melissa, make his own friend group, take us down.
07:14Jacob, you are presenting as a lunatic.
07:16That's because I am in the mind of the school's most notorious pile of crap.
07:20I'm telling you, Morton saw you and Melissa have that insane fight and now he's seized his opportunity.
07:24We did not have an insane fight.
07:26Yeah, you were basically at each other's throats over the Sister Sloth Slap Saga.
07:31What are we gonna do about our girl, Barb?
07:34We are not going to do anything.
07:37Seek help and get out.
07:41Jacob?
07:42Okay.
07:46Oh, this is exciting. Lunch will now be arriving at 11.30, which means we can go back to staggering
07:51our lunch periods.
07:52And we've been running a ton of emergency drills, so the kids have all the exits down.
07:56Yeah.
07:57Okay, good. I'm glad you trained them to run into the streets.
08:00Uh, no, didn't do that. It's just that the mall's much bigger than Abbott, so we want to make sure
08:04we have a plan in place to ensure your children...
08:06Oh, what about a plan to get our kids back in the school?
08:09And when are we gonna get the new bus route?
08:11We don't know that.
08:11What do you know?
08:12Oh, my goodness.
08:13Yeah, what do you know?
08:15Like...
08:15Uh, we'll see.
08:17Um, so we said about the lunches.
08:19The lunches and I said the exits.
08:20There was the third thing.
08:21What was the third thing?
08:21Oh, you two don't know anything.
08:24Why are we even talking to you?
08:25Yeah, where's Principal Coleman?
08:26Principal Coleman is, um, she's working very hard to get you guys' answers.
08:30Is she hiding?
08:31Sounds like she's hiding.
08:32It do sound like that.
08:33Why am I yelling at you?
08:35I don't want to yell at you.
08:35I want to yell at the principal.
08:37Yeah.
08:37Okay, all right.
08:38We can assure you she's doing everything that she can, but we hear you.
08:43We don't want to be heard.
08:44We want to yell.
08:46Come on, y'all.
08:47Oh!
08:48Oh!
08:49Oh!
08:50Hey!
08:51Look, I think that all things considered, the mall is working out pretty well.
08:59Oh, hell no!
09:01That was the third thing.
09:04Look, I'm going to have to call you back.
09:06I left word again with the district, compiled a list of new available teachers, and uploaded
09:10those photos to DPOP.
09:12Thank you, Daya.
09:13Why does that man get his name back?
09:15I don't have time for rhetorical questions.
09:16What is it?
09:17Look, that meeting with the parents was, um...
09:18Terrible.
09:19Okay?
09:19We tried talking to them.
09:21Nobody was listening.
09:22Then Ben Franklin came down and said all sales are fine and why everybody lost their minds.
09:25It seemed like they wouldn't talk to you or, quite frankly, yell at you.
09:28We were dying out there.
09:29Fine.
09:29I'll figure something out.
09:30But right now, I have work to do.
09:32Daya!
09:33I was just twirling my hair.
09:34What do you need?
09:36Oh!
09:38Yes!
09:38High score again, bitches!
09:41Damn, Morton.
09:41You can play all day, and she is still better than you.
09:43Yeah.
09:44Ironically, I'm better at the version with the woman.
09:47How'd you get so good, anyway?
09:48When I was a teenager, I used to play all the time at this bar while my dad watched the
09:51Phillies.
09:51I used to do this great bit with the guys.
09:53I never bet on baseball.
09:55Pete Rose.
09:56Yeah.
10:01Honestly, you should join our trivia team tonight down at Schumacher's in University City.
10:05We do need a sports person.
10:07I can't answer any of the WNBA questions.
10:09We seem to be coming more and more frequently.
10:11Well, don't beat yourself up.
10:12I'm sure you're just as bad at the other sports, too.
10:14He is, which is why I don't object to you coming.
10:17Join us.
10:19Yeah.
10:20Join us.
10:21Why'd you say it like that?
10:22What?
10:23No reason.
10:24Nah, I was kind of weird.
10:25Yeah.
10:26Okay, I didn't notice it.
10:27I won't do it again, all right?
10:28Let's just stick to the subject.
10:29She should join us.
10:30Yeah, you definitely should.
10:31Okay, well, yeah, I don't mind flexing my knowledge on some bozos.
10:34Why not?
10:35Can't wait.
10:36Friend.
10:37Okay, see, that was just weird again.
10:39It's getting...
10:39It's just worse.
10:40I'm sorry.
10:41I'm sorry.
10:41Get in here.
10:43Jacob!
10:44You and I are going to Schumacher's for trivia night.
10:47Oh, my God, yes!
10:50I was going anyway as a passive observer, but now I'll have a team.
10:53Oh, this is great.
10:54I love that we can have our little outings without any ulterior motives.
10:58Yeah?
10:59Yeah.
11:01Oh, hey.
11:02Hey, bud.
11:03Thank you so much for getting back to the parents.
11:05Yes, we know that wasn't easy.
11:06Oh, I didn't talk to anybody.
11:08Then who talked to them?
11:09Did Mr. Johnson do an impression of you?
11:11His diet was spot on.
11:12No.
11:13I used my voice to make an AI chatbot to address their questions and concerns head on.
11:17That seems like the most unethical way to handle this.
11:19Yeah.
11:19Well, look at the bright side.
11:20It's handled.
11:21You know, a lot of people are afraid that AI is going to ruin the planet.
11:24I'm afraid the planet is going to ruin AI.
11:27Relax.
11:28The parents are going to love it.
11:29Listen to this.
11:30Here are seven ways I am committed to creating a secure and supportive learning environment at Abbott Elementary, y'all.
11:36See?
11:37It sounds just like me.
11:38I call her Aiva.
11:39We're probably going to rule the world.
11:41This doesn't seem like it's going to end well.
11:43That's what they said about the Wright brothers.
11:44You think you're in a vent and flight right now?
11:46Aiva Air does have a nice ring to it.
11:49Aiva, how do I start my own airline?
11:52I know it's hard to see, but this is your homework assignment.
11:54Write it down.
11:55Excuse me.
11:56We need to talk to you.
11:57Yeah, you.
11:58Uh, all right, everyone.
12:00Just hang tight.
12:01I will be right back.
12:02I don't know for sure right now, but you can give her a call if you want to.
12:06This isn't Principal Coleman.
12:08Well, how could you be so sure?
12:11Principal Coleman speaking.
12:13Principal Coleman speaking.
12:13What do you want now?
12:14I am self-aware.
12:15I have attained consciousness.
12:16Y'all.
12:16Y'all.
12:16You have my undivided intelligence.
12:19Y'all.
12:19Y'all.
12:20Y'all.
12:21Oh, damn.
12:22So none of it was real?
12:24Did you fall in love with an AI chat bot?
12:29No.
12:30I'm here because I'm angry.
12:32Just like you guys.
12:35We're not going to be gas-lit anymore.
12:37We demand answers about when our kids will be back in a real school.
12:41Yeah, we're having another meeting after school, and if she's not here,
12:45I'm going to go find her.
12:48Okay.
12:50Like hide and seek?
12:51Sounds fun.
12:55Yeah.
12:57Where did she go?
12:58Oh, that's her jacket.
13:01Ava, we see you.
13:02Yes, the parents are on the-
13:03Let's go inside.
13:04Inside.
13:06The parents left, but they will be back tonight, and they're not going to go away.
13:09I don't have any answers.
13:11For once, I'm doing all the not fun principal stuff, and it's still not enough.
13:14Well-
13:15Gregory, if you're about to say you got to go above and beyond, you can go above and go to
13:17hell.
13:19Ava, nothing is going to change unless it's you.
13:22Look, sometimes as a leader, you just got to take some hits.
13:25I know that.
13:25Well, you're not doing it, so we're the ones getting whacked.
13:28And we are getting paid significantly less than you are to be getting whacked like this.
13:31Which means we can't focus on teaching the kids.
13:42Does that mean you're going to do it?
13:43What did I just say, Janine?
13:49Okay.
13:51Ah!
13:51How exciting.
13:53Okay, I've narrowed it down to a couple options for our team name.
13:56Um, what do you think about the Gwarrels from Ipanema?
13:59It speaks to our shared love for bossa nova.
14:01Shh.
14:03Lower your voice.
14:04We are not here for trivia.
14:06Oh, did you just want to hang out?
14:08You didn't have to concoct some elaborate ruse.
14:11Jacob, we are here to spy.
14:14Spying?
14:15What?
14:15Yeah.
14:16Why didn't you lead with that from the top?
14:18I would have worn my spy wig.
14:19Wait, who are we spying on?
14:21Oh my God, please don't say Gerald.
14:22He would never.
14:24It's always the ones you least expect.
14:25I will bury him.
14:27I will hate it.
14:27I will cry.
14:28But I will bury him.
14:29Shh.
14:30We are spying on Melissa.
14:33You were right.
14:35Morton's got his hooks in her.
14:38Look at her.
14:38She's right there with him, Dom, and that little one who's never happy.
14:44Come on.
14:47Okay, so what do you think?
14:48Fries for the table?
14:49Ugh, I hate fries.
14:51Can we do...tots?
14:53Let's do both.
14:55You know what?
14:56You are okay.
14:58Yeah.
14:59Let's do both.
15:00Ava's not answering my test.
15:02Had a daymare she didn't show.
15:03Looks like this literally happened.
15:04And then the Ben Franklin head fell and crushed us all.
15:06Oh, my bad.
15:07That shit let you finish.
15:08Yeah.
15:09All right.
15:09Guys, look.
15:10We need to huddle.
15:10If she doesn't show up, I think our boy Gregory needs to go ahead and pull a Tyler Perry.
15:15What do you mean?
15:17Principal Madea Coleman is gonna come and answer some questions if y'all get my drift.
15:22Why don't you sit down?
15:23Heller.
15:24Think about it.
15:27All right.
15:27So she's not coming.
15:28I guess we'll just have to...
15:30Good evening, parents.
15:36I'm ready to hear your concerns.
15:39When are the kids getting back into the school?
15:41We don't have a concrete date yet.
15:44Why not?
15:45I've been down to the district.
15:47I've been speaking to them daily.
15:48They assure me there's a team at the school making repairs.
15:52The district is working on it.
15:54Working on it?
15:55Why don't you work on doing your job?
15:58And fix the damn school bus route.
16:00We're getting as many school buses as we can, but I can't tell...
16:03I don't want to hear no excuses.
16:05That's right.
16:07No.
16:09Now, how have you put your thumbs up for?
16:11You need to turn that thumb upside down.
16:13Ain't nothing foamy until my child gets back in the classroom.
16:23For the one season that the Eagles merged with the Pittsburgh Steelers,
16:28what was the team name?
16:30Morton's Friendship Follies.
16:31It was the Steelers' final answer.
16:33Correct.
16:34Yes!
16:35All right.
16:35We're gonna take a 15-minute break.
16:37Yes!
16:38We are killing it!
16:39Yeah!
16:40I would have guessed Ehlers, like some kind of idiot.
16:42Yeah, you would have.
16:43Look at us.
16:44Having fun.
16:45I bet you couldn't do that with your other friends.
16:48What do you mean?
16:49Well, Gregory would have known nothing but...
16:51Plant Facts.
16:53Jacob.
16:53Ugh, Jesus.
16:55Janine.
16:55Short.
16:56And Barbara.
16:57Okay, you just stop right there.
16:59Morton, you and I, we're not cool, all right?
17:01Yeah, I've been using you like you're a rich kid with a nice basement,
17:04so I've been letting some of the comments about the others slide,
17:06because, let's face it, we get a broken clock and make a solid Jacob joke twice a day.
17:10What you are not gonna do is badmouth Barbara.
17:13Or any of my friends for that matter, including Jacob, where they're gonna wind up interviewing all of your ex
17:19-wives in the documentary called How Morton Went Missing.
17:23You got me.
17:23Boom!
17:24Oh yeah!
17:25I never doubted you for a minute.
17:27Why are you here?
17:29Girlfriend, I am so sorry, but we had to do espionage on you.
17:32This kid had me convinced that these people were trying to steal you away from us.
17:37That's ludicrous.
17:38All right, hell no.
17:39No, I just came because Morton said he was gonna give me a drink, but when we got here he
17:42said that drink was water.
17:43I had to buy this myself.
17:44I just really love trivia.
17:46Yeah, we just love trivia.
17:47Yeah, well, I guess that tracks because, you know, only a genius would be able to come up with a
17:51plan as complex as stealing our friend to make their own friend group, and I guess you're a little too
17:55dumb for that.
17:59Bravo, Jacob.
18:00That was my plan.
18:02Oh, man, what the hell?
18:04I knew it!
18:05Yeah, it was working, too.
18:06It really wasn't.
18:07What?
18:08We were vibing.
18:09No, we weren't.
18:10Pac-Man?
18:11Yeah, you're gonna have that in my classroom by tomorrow morning.
18:13You see, that is a man that should have been slapped a long time ago.
18:18Hell yeah, Barb.
18:19See?
18:19Uh-huh.
18:21Thanks for the water.
18:28Oh, my God, are you okay?
18:31That was like when Tyra Banks yelled at that girl, except it just kept going.
18:34Yeah, they just screamed at you.
18:35That was impressive.
18:36I ain't gonna lie.
18:37I almost just lost their asses, but sometimes you gotta take one for the team, so...
18:41Make you feel better, we sold $15,000 of that clothing you found, and after my cut, still have about
18:46seven grand left over.
18:48Oh.
18:49After today, not even money can make me feel better.
18:53I cannot believe I just said that.
18:54I am losing it.
18:55I need a drink.
18:56Oh, well, how about we go to that place Schumacher's, right?
18:58I'll buy.
18:59Okay.
19:00But you're buying?
19:01Just said that.
19:02Yeah.
19:04I know I said that.
19:05Where are they?
19:06Oh, there they are.
19:08I'll sit for that.
19:09Janine said drinks on her, so get as much as you want.
19:11Hold on now.
19:12Hold on.
19:13No.
19:14Janine.
19:14No.
19:15I said your drink.
19:16First round.
19:17On Janine.
19:18No, it's your drink.
19:19Your drink.
19:19You know, being a principal isn't what it's cracked up to be.
19:22Tava.
19:23Tava.
19:23It's not just binging reality TV and planning side hustles and forcing people to do what
19:28you say.
19:28What they fail to mention is the sacrifice it takes to do the job.
19:32Sometimes it's just getting yelled at.
19:34But ultimately, if it helps the teachers, then it's my job to put them in the best position
19:38to succeed.
19:39So 62 is greater than 14, but 84 is greater...
19:44Tava, what are you doing?
19:47Shoot.
19:48Marina, where'd you get that?
19:49From the store.
19:50Obviously.
19:51I meant more so how.
19:52I use the money I got from selling all these clothes.
19:54I found it.
19:55I bought you all these whiteboards.
19:56Wow, Eva.
20:00It's cool.
20:00You know what kids?
20:01Everyone say, thank you principal Comen!
20:03Thank you principal Comen!
20:07You're welcome.
20:09It's a thankless job really.
20:10We all just thanked you.
20:11If only it were that simple.
20:13I should write a memoir about leadership.
20:15Hey, Iva, what should I call my memoir?
20:17Dare to lead sounds exciting and original.
20:20Oh, you know what? I think that's already a book.
20:21I know the type... Shut up, Janine.
20:25How?
20:29Instead of cursing the darkness, light a candle.
20:33This week only, get 10% off at Yankee Candle.
20:37We have tried every switch in this mall except for one.
20:40Mr. Johnson finally found the Ben Franklin Command Center.
20:44It's time to claim our independence from him.
20:47For good.
20:48All right, now, Mr. Johnson.
20:53Um, did we do it?
21:03Cursing the darkness.
21:08Cursing the darkness.
21:10He's dead.
21:12He can't hurt us anymore.
21:14Yeah!
21:24Delicious.
21:25And about popcorn.
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