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Transcript
00:02Good morning, and happy,
00:03my second favorite holiday after Christmas,
00:06development day every... Ooh, donuts.
00:08Oh, that's nice, but I am cutting today,
00:10so I will just have a yogurt.
00:12Hmm. How am I feeling today, right?
00:14Am I feeling sophisticated, or am I feeling nutty?
00:17Am I feeling chocolate-frosted?
00:18Janine. Oh, classic.
00:21Thank you. You know me well, Mel-Mel.
00:23Well, six years will do that to you.
00:25Oh, did you guys hear about the ceiling falling in at Addington?
00:28Mm. And that building was built after ours.
00:30Good thing our building's solid.
00:31Morning, y'all. I did get finer.
00:34We don't have to talk about it.
00:35And thanks to whoever brought in these donuts.
00:37I thought you did.
00:38Now, why would I do that?
00:39They were actually here when I came in
00:40to get my coffee this morning. Hmm.
00:43Donut worry bout a thing.
00:45Oh, that place is great.
00:46Remember, I brought in donuts
00:47for the last day of school last year.
00:48Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, but none of us got any,
00:50because we were all determined to clean out our classrooms
00:52and get the hell out of here before rush hour.
00:53Oh, yeah.
00:54You remember that?
01:01Mr. Johnson, um, you cleaned out the kitchen
01:06at the end of last year, right?
01:08Yeah.
01:08Oh, yeah.
01:09Wait, did you say last year?
01:11Yeah.
01:13Oh.
01:15Mm.
01:16Be kidding.
01:17Guys, this year's still gonna be great.
01:26I wasn't living here.
01:28Ooh, donuts.
01:44Well, welcome back, Lonnie.
01:46Yay.
01:47Y'all know what time it is.
01:49It's the first time.
01:49Development Day.
01:51Some of the, uh, grown-ups are dreading school starting,
01:54but let me be the first to say,
01:56welcome back with a lollipop.
01:58Here you go.
02:00Melissa?
02:02My lolly.
02:03Barbara, you don't wanna welcome back a lollipop, do you?
02:05I'd love one.
02:09Oh, I'm elated to be back.
02:11At the end of the last school year,
02:13I really found a groove with the music class,
02:15so I spent all summer lesson planning
02:19and familiarizing myself with the music
02:21that the students love these days.
02:23I've just been re-energized.
02:25It's a new chapter in the Book of Barbara.
02:29Can y'all come take a look at something real quick?
02:32Like this?
02:35See, we won't be having any fun this school year.
02:39Somehow the stove got all out of place.
02:41We cannot have the hookups exposed like that.
02:44Not my jurisdiction.
02:45I have someone come check it out.
02:46Oh, please.
02:47You don't got to call anybody.
02:49Step aside, I got this.
02:50It just needs a little love.
02:53The rumors are true.
02:54I'm in love.
02:55His name is O'Shawn and he works in tech.
02:58You know, when we first started dating,
03:00everybody was against us.
03:02The district even fired me to try to break up our relationship.
03:05And Janine tried to keep me from getting my job back.
03:07But in spite of it all, we made it through.
03:15In summary, I go above and beyond because I'm in love in O'Shawn.
03:21Eva, for the dozenth time, you really shouldn't show us that stuff.
03:24It is an HR violation.
03:26So is your shirt.
03:27Okay, what else?
03:29New counselor coming?
03:30Boring.
03:31Oh!
03:32Everyone, please welcome our new fourth grade teacher, Dominic Clark.
03:41Where do I know that name?
03:43Dominic Clark, did you star in that new Tyler Perry movie, Madea's Destination Wedding?
03:50No, Miss Howard.
03:51It's me, Dominic.
03:52I was in your kindergarten class.
03:53Oh!
03:55Dominic.
03:56How could I forget?
03:58You colored everything red.
04:00Still do.
04:00I'm just playing.
04:01I don't do that anymore.
04:03It's just an honor to be your new colleague.
04:06My new colleague.
04:07Hi, everyone.
04:07Hey, how you doing?
04:09Wow, imagine that.
04:11My kindergarten student of nearly 20 years ago is my new colleague.
04:16Which is crazy, Barbara, because you guys look the exact same age.
04:19Yes, we do.
04:20This is not gonna be good.
04:22This is a minefield, okay?
04:24That guy is gonna set Barbara back to old grumpy Barb.
04:27Yeah, no.
04:29I am on this.
04:30All right.
04:30Due to an increase in middle school students, Miss Shamenti will no longer be teaching second
04:35grade.
04:35She'll be moving up to teach middle school math in homeroom.
04:40No, no.
04:41It's all right.
04:41I already knew.
04:42And you know, every app is like sports betting these days, so I figure this is an opportunity
04:47for me to refresh my percentages skills.
04:49And since there aren't enough second graders for two classes, Miss Teague's will now have
04:5340 students.
04:54I, for one, am excited to see if it will break her.
04:56It won't.
04:58It might.
04:59Okay.
04:59Now you're just doing crowd work.
05:00We're gonna go finish setting up our classrooms.
05:02Yep.
05:02Development day over.
05:03Good job, team.
05:04Well, did someone say team?
05:07Who's the suit?
05:08Oh, right.
05:09This paper skeleton is Craig.
05:11The district sent him for some reason.
05:14Uh, yes.
05:15Good morning, Abbott Elementary.
05:17And welcome back.
05:19That's right.
05:20There it is.
05:22Uh, Principal Coleman is right.
05:23I am here for a reason.
05:25The district thinks Abbott is a very special school, and we wanted to make it more special
05:32by reaffirming some core district principles and moral guidelines.
05:37through team building.
05:41This is a result of they're no longer trusting us because of last year's lying.
05:46Extortion of businesses.
05:48Yep, and our annual tradition of unpermitted shows and festivities.
05:51Maybe.
05:52Yes.
05:53So this is a punishment couched in team building activities?
05:56Yes.
05:57To show we're all one big team and rebuild the trust between the district and Abbott that
06:03you all shattered, I will be leading everyone in a day of mandatory team building activities.
06:11So without further ado, let's all obligatorily scoot to the library.
06:17Whoo.
06:19Oh, come on, everybody.
06:21A few team building games might be fun.
06:24Oh, not games.
06:26Activities.
06:28So, when I was in your kindergarten class 20 years ago...
06:31Let me stop you right there, Dominic.
06:33Oh, uh-oh.
06:34Here we go.
06:35Um, hey, Dom, you should probably just...
06:37You know, I'm trying to keep my cool.
06:40But you got me so excited.
06:42My former student is now my colleague.
06:46Oh, what a blessed day to be alive.
06:48Hey, Poindexter, whatever this is, can we hurry it up?
06:52Some of us got real jobs to get back to.
06:54Yeah, okay.
06:55Uh, to start us off, you're gonna share something people know about you and something they don't.
07:01So I'll start.
07:02Uh, something people do know about me is that I love my job.
07:08Uh, something you don't know is that I wear a cross, but I don't believe in God.
07:15But he believes in you.
07:18I'm Barbara Howard.
07:20And one thing you all know about me is I have a very strong and loving relationship with God and
07:27Gerald.
07:28Oh, but one thing you don't know is I never use the Lord's name in vain.
07:35Melissa?
07:36Sweet baby Jesus.
07:38It doesn't count because it's a baby.
07:39Okay, so, sure.
07:40Uh, something that you know about me is you already know everything you need to know about me.
07:46Something you might not know about me is that I will smack you in the mouth.
07:50Okay.
07:51Uh, Mr. Johnson.
07:54Something you know about me is I used to work the chipping day.
07:58Oh, stop your day.
07:59Something you don't know is I swam an entire triathlon.
08:02No, that's just an athalon.
08:04Wait, why swim?
08:05Easy to ride in a kite.
08:07Oh, no.
08:07I think you mean a bike.
08:08I wouldn't know.
08:09Never rode one.
08:10That's why I swam the whole thing.
08:11What do you mean you never rode one?
08:12You have a Tour de France trophy in your closet.
08:14Yeah, it's for coaching.
08:16Which you'd know if you took the time to admire it.
08:19I'm sorry to interrupt, but what's that smell?
08:23Oh, I love this game.
08:24Yeah.
08:24Uh, it smells like dead squirrel.
08:27No, it's raccoons.
08:28It's raccoons.
08:29Oh, no.
08:29I know what that smell is.
08:31It's Morton!
08:32It's not me.
08:34Although it does smell like gas.
08:36I told you professionally you need to look at that stove.
08:40It probably is Morton's nasty ass.
08:42But I'll go check it out.
08:47Well, I smell a little something-something, but nothing too crazy, right?
08:54Right?
09:00Oh, damn.
09:02Oh, damn!
09:04Okay, who would like to go next?
09:06Nobody panic, but I'm gonna need everybody to leave with love.
09:09Outside.
09:10Immediately.
09:11Lovingly.
09:12Did I mention I was in love?
09:13Who else got something to live for?
09:14What?
09:15Let's go.
09:15Come on.
09:17All right.
09:18So, the district will have someone out here to fix the gas leak.
09:22But what it won't be able to fix is the fractured moral infrastructure of this school.
09:27Now, split up into five groups.
09:30Each one will have a different activity that I will walk you through.
09:34Look, the sooner we finish this, the sooner you'll be able to get back to your day.
09:40All right.
09:41All right.
09:41So, what is this?
09:41Some kind of metaphor about how we need to jumpstart our school year?
09:45No.
09:45I just didn't realize how many people there would be, and those were in my trunk.
09:52You are welcome to come to me with any problem or concern, big or small.
09:57I am here to help.
09:58She does have an office hour though, so you might want to, you know, store a bunch of problems
10:02over several weeks.
10:03But if I'm in the office, those hours are open.
10:07In fact, let me just give you my cell.
10:09What?
10:10Just giving that sucker away for free?
10:13What?
10:13You mad because your real mom left you and now your fake mom is leaving you too?
10:17No.
10:18It's just, Barb's all happy now, which is great.
10:22But this guy is getting the Barb I had to work three years for.
10:26Besides, I'm supposed to be the recipient to her mentorship, you know?
10:28The up-and-comer to her veteran ways.
10:30The scrappy-do to her scoops.
10:32Now he's scrappy.
10:34I just...
10:34Ooh!
10:36Way to go, hoopers.
10:37A fun new wrinkle is to try with your eyes closed.
10:40And what else is left up for grabs in the mystery gang, you know?
10:44Because Gregory's Fred and Jacob is Velma and Melissa's Daphne.
10:49I'm Daphne.
10:50My God, Janine, your perception is damningly awful.
10:53My point is, who am I at Abbott now?
10:57Who am I?
11:00Hey, you know, I was thinking about what you said about the triathlon.
11:05You really can't ride a bike?
11:07Never had time to learn.
11:09That is wild.
11:10You lived such a full life.
11:11I just don't know how riding a bike got skipped over.
11:14I worked a lot as a kid.
11:16Well, if you want, I can teach you how to ride a bike.
11:19It's never too late to learn.
11:21What about your group?
11:22They're fine.
11:23Gregory?
11:24Um, which direction's my turn?
11:27Uh, Gregory?
11:29Middle schoolers, huh?
11:30Surprised you didn't mention it all summer since, you know, I teach middle school and,
11:33well, we live together, so we see each other every day.
11:36Well, what's to mention?
11:37Kids are kids.
11:37The only difference is the math.
11:38I spent the summer learning to do that, so.
11:40Well, there's a lot more to it than math, okay?
11:43Preteens are very different than second graders.
11:46Eh, not really.
11:47Just add a few years in puberty.
11:49I talk to the older girls all the time.
11:51Well, talking is great.
11:53Talking is fun.
11:54But teaching?
11:55The second you become their teacher, you become their enemy.
11:58Right, Morton?
11:59They're gonna eat you alive.
12:01Okay.
12:02No offense, but this sounds like a YouTube problem.
12:05Okay.
12:05Well, you have no idea what they're capable of.
12:09Yeah.
12:10You want a taste?
12:12I, gross, but, yeah, do your worst.
12:16Yeah, Craig!
12:17We finished in what I can only imagine is record time.
12:21Amazing!
12:22Yes!
12:22You'll never guess what level two is.
12:24Don't tell me.
12:25It's reverse.
12:26It's reverse.
12:27Yeah!
12:28Look alive, people!
12:30Reverse!
12:30Reverse!
12:31Okay.
12:32So I'm young enough to be the ingenue, but that's been usurped.
12:36Barbara's doing the optimistic and positive thing.
12:40There's not a grump on the first floor.
12:42I could be the downstairs grump.
12:43Now, see, if you had a better personality, you wouldn't have to search for one.
12:46You could use that time to find a man.
12:48Okay, you know that I'm dating Gregory.
12:51That's still happening?
12:53Sorry, I haven't been able to keep up ever since I started dating the world's only real
12:57man, O'Shawn.
13:00Good for you.
13:00No one cares.
13:03That was my attempt at being a grump.
13:04I may have overshot it.
13:05Yeah.
13:06All right.
13:07I got us a bite.
13:09Okay, Mr. Johnson, get on up here.
13:11Maybe not right now.
13:12My knees aren't feeling so good.
13:14Yo, it's actually better for your knees than walking.
13:15Well, I forgot my baseball card to put in the spokes.
13:21All right, come on.
13:22No excuses.
13:23Okay, I'll even hold on until you get the hang of it.
13:26Okay?
13:26Here we go.
13:28Yeah, there you go.
13:30All right.
13:31There it is.
13:32Promise not to let go.
13:33I promise.
13:38Pinky, promise?
13:39Well, I can't.
13:40Now I'm holding on to the bite.
13:41Ow!
13:43Look, these kids are mean.
13:44One told me, that's why your bitch left you, bitch.
13:47I think you're overdoing it on the B word.
13:49I don't think he's doing it enough.
13:51Hey, why'd you rat out your brother and get him locked up?
13:53What?
13:53That never happened.
13:55And seem.
13:55I was being a kid.
13:56We live in a post-truth landscape, and these kids hit below the belt.
14:00Which is where you haven't been touched in years, snitch.
14:02Unless you count sweet cheeks.
14:03You keep my son's name out your filthy mouth.
14:06And don't even think about talking back to them, or you will get written up.
14:09Every day is like an episode of Scared Straight.
14:11Take your shoes off.
14:12Okay, who are we in this scenario?
14:15Everyone.
14:17You still got me?
14:18I got you.
14:19I got you.
14:19And you have to handle all of this while teaching.
14:22And if even one kid gets the best of you, that could be a wrap for the period.
14:25Or the year.
14:26Oh, no.
14:27Uh-uh.
14:27These kids are gonna f***ing respect.
14:29Uh-uh.
14:29Don't curse.
14:30They will report you.
14:30Yeah.
14:31I'll f***ing report you.
14:32He just cursed.
14:33He can do that, you see?
14:34He's a little boy.
14:35Actually, I'm a little girl.
14:36You ain't hard, homie.
14:37Yeah.
14:38That's right.
14:38You ain't hard.
14:39Just keep moving forward.
14:41What?
14:42You're doing great.
14:43Eight.
14:44Yeah, seven.
14:44What are we doing now?
14:45Rating you to your face.
14:47Have you ever been called a one?
14:48On a day you just knew you were ten?
14:50You're a one.
14:51One.
14:52One.
14:52One.
14:52Stop.
14:56Don't stop.
14:56Walk forward.
14:57There you go.
14:58You got it.
14:58No, I told you.
14:59Turn left.
15:00Left?
15:00No, no, no.
15:01Go right.
15:02Go right.
15:06You grilled him.
15:07You promised you wouldn't let me fall.
15:11Looks like we're gonna be here all day.
15:14Mm-mm-mm.
15:15New Year, same old Abbott.
15:17Mm-mm.
15:19No, just at the top.
15:20We're gonna have to do it twice.
15:23You all get done to Gregory.
15:25Why?
15:26Because whenever I break, you're gonna donate to me, and I like those shoulders, Gregory.
15:30Well, today was supposed to be about building trust and working together as a team, and the only thing you
15:37accomplish together is how to fail in unique ways.
15:41Progress.
15:41And now you get to start over and do it again.
15:45Oh, no.
15:45Well, I, for one, can't stand this.
15:48Right?
15:48Because this guy sucks.
15:50You all suck.
15:51And this whole day sucks.
15:53Right, guys?
15:53Well, it may suck, but if we don't finish today, we can always come back on the weekend.
15:58Oh.
15:59No.
16:00Oh, okay.
16:02Hey, Ava, listen up.
16:03Um, you know, I was thinking about this whole grade switch thing, and I think it might be better if
16:08Janine did the swap instead of me,
16:10because, uh, Sweet Cheeks is afraid of heights, so, you know, for him it's ground floor or nothing.
16:16Um, no, guinea pigs are from the Andes. They're not afraid of heights.
16:20All right, listen, I...
16:23A change is big. I just don't know if I'm, like, exactly up for it.
16:31Zero problem whatsoever. Bring it on.
16:34Those kids are about to get a lesson in learning lessons, and you can quote me on that.
16:39That's what you said in June when I asked you about this.
16:41There's no going back.
16:43Here, this'll tear you up.
16:46That's O'Shawn shirtless in Wildwood.
16:49It is.
16:50No, actually, it kind of helps.
16:52And so it does.
16:53Good job.
16:55Hey, Mel.
16:56So, about before, you were totally busting my chops about how the sixth graders act, right?
17:01I knew it.
17:02No, we weren't.
17:03And those were just the experiences that I haven't repressed yet.
17:08What?
17:09Are you...
17:09Sorry.
17:11Janine, I could really use a positive spin on my situation.
17:15You're screwed.
17:16You are not the two, you are the one.
17:19Girlfriend, I have seen you handle challenges far more difficult than a bunch of sixth graders.
17:25You got this.
17:27Thanks, Barb.
17:28I appreciate it.
17:30Hey, you wouldn't want to take a shot at the sixth grade this year, would you?
17:35I'd rather retire.
17:37I am so lucky to be around such a veteran like Ms. Howard.
17:41Duh.
17:42She's the greatest teacher ever.
17:43Right?
17:44I just wish I could ask her a couple more questions.
17:47I don't want to keep bothering her.
17:50You think maybe I could text her later?
17:52Oh, my God.
17:52We get it.
17:53You have her cell phone number.
18:01What'd you want to ask her?
18:02Nah.
18:03It's pretty basic.
18:04I just, uh...
18:06Should I take roll as soon as class starts in the morning?
18:09Oh, no.
18:10Two minute grace period.
18:12A lot of the kids take SEPTA.
18:13It's a whole thing.
18:15I learned the hard way my first year.
18:17Sure, I'm gonna have to learn the hard way a thousand times.
18:19Oh, yeah.
18:20You definitely will.
18:21And you're gonna want to scream and contemplate your life choices.
18:25And it's all normal.
18:28If you have any more questions and Barbara's busy, you can always just ask me.
18:34I appreciate that.
18:35That's what I'm here for.
18:37That is who I am now.
18:39I don't have to be a grump.
18:40I can be me and be a mentor.
18:42I'm gonna put the me in mentor.
18:45Mentor.
18:46The teacher has become the teacher.
18:51I need to get out of the sun.
18:52I just can't ride a bike, okay?
18:54Look, they say you fall down seven times.
18:56You stand up eight.
18:58I gotta fall six more times.
19:00Hey.
19:01How's it going over here?
19:02Bad.
19:03He's scared to get back on the bike.
19:04Okay.
19:05Well, I could help.
19:07I'm a brand new me.
19:08What you mean?
19:09You sound the same.
19:09Oh, you missed the whole thing.
19:11I went through a bunch of different personalities, landed here.
19:14Still sound the same.
19:14I'll tell you about it later.
19:15Okay.
19:16But, Mr. Johnson, I know you can ride the bike.
19:20Because I believe in you.
19:24I know what to do.
19:26Uh, everyone, stop what you're doing and come over here.
19:28Mr. Johnson needs our help.
19:30No, no, please don't do that.
19:32Please.
19:33If we don't finish, you have to come in on the weekend.
19:37You look like a guy that loves coming in on weekends.
19:39Monday through Friday, the best days of the week to you, huh?
19:42Well, my weekends rule.
19:44Yeah, okay.
19:45All right.
19:46Go, Mr. J.
19:47Yeah.
19:47What's the worst that could happen?
19:48Fall over and die.
19:50Well, that's just... fair.
19:53Look, Mr. Johnson, if you fall, we will catch you.
19:56I promise.
19:57Okay?
19:58All right.
20:00All right.
20:00Are you back on board this horse?
20:01Man, the horse is easy.
20:03His bikes I'm afraid of.
20:04Hey, you got this, all right?
20:07All right.
20:07Here we go.
20:08Ready?
20:09Yeah.
20:09Come on, Mr. J.
20:10You got it.
20:11Come on, you got it.
20:14Come on, you got it.
20:14You got it.
20:15You got it.
20:16You got it.
20:16You got it.
20:21Go, Mr. J.
20:23Go, Mr. J.
20:25Go, Mr. J.
20:25I feel like we're starting to lose focus.
20:29You all need to prove your virtuousness.
20:32Great.
20:34Isn't that what we're doing right here?
20:37Huh?
20:38Yeah.
20:39Yeah.
20:40Well, maybe this qualifies as completion of team building.
20:44Wait, really?
20:45Yes.
20:46Also, I have tickets to the Ren Fair this weekend, so I'm gonna need this to count.
20:51Okay.
20:53Fix the leak.
20:54Good news.
20:55Killed a bunch of mice in your walls.
20:57Bad news.
20:58Ain't my job to get rid of them.
21:00Worst news.
21:01I noticed you have HVAC issues.
21:04You mean like AC and heat and stuff?
21:05Yep.
21:06And you're not gonna have any of that if you don't get a specialist in here.
21:10You got someone to handle this?
21:11Well, I'm sure Mr. Johnson's on top of it.
21:14It's around here somewhere.
21:17Grab it and teach me how to stop!
21:19Just use the handlebar brake!
21:21It's a fixie!
21:22Just stop pedaling!
21:24Delicious.
21:25In a bottle of coffee.
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