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Transcript
00:00It's always on me to upgrade this dusty-ass school, so I hooked up our old speaker system to Bluetooth
00:04And now I can make announcements for my phone from anywhere. In fact, I'll make one right now
00:09Attention, I have an important update regarding our school. My teeth are getting whiter. Ooh
00:14I should tell them about the bin Laden documentary. I just watched
00:22What is happening
00:25The kids are hopping on your Bluetooth. You didn't password protected? Thanks for your hindsight, Melissa
00:30Welcome to the Keeping the Trash podcast. Topic one, they're selling your trash to Malaysia. That's what I sound like?
00:37Oh my god
00:42I love this song
00:51I'll just get it password protected and I'll shut this off. Hold on now. Yeah, no, it's okay. It's a
00:56vibe
00:59Here we go
01:09Look at me bringing Dory to the school once again
01:28Please sign the first student in when he gets here
01:30Hello
01:32It is such a blessing to have our new counselor here to help the children and she's doing an outstanding
01:38job
01:39She's also quite tall. My name is Elena Alomar. I'm the new counselor here
01:43Abbott is the newest school in my rotation
01:46So now I'm responsible for the well-being of 20 schools, which means I need to get out of here.
01:51Thanks
01:52Such a wonderful addition to Abbott
01:54She really is and I have to thank myself for bringing her here mostly because I haven't been thanked by
01:59anyone
02:00for anything
02:02She's whatever
02:05She's always so professional with how everything needs to be done. I don't need any more rules
02:09And what rules do you follow now?
02:12Well, first of all, I follow the rule of threes
02:15Second of all, I'm here most days or not
02:19I got a rule for y'all you need to wait two hours between washers before you run that dishwasher
02:24in the lounge or else
02:25Or else what mr. Johnson or else you'll be washing your dishes in brown water and not the good kind
02:31But what a bad would have got to be brown jacob. Yeah, jacob. Why?
02:43Ah, welcome nick. Come on in
02:47Don't be rude say good morning to me good morning. Oh good morning
02:54He can't call me mean though. Oh, yeah, that's my bad big dog. I'll uh make sure he says miss
02:59name next time
03:01Yes
03:02Tariq's girlfriend's son nick is in my class this year
03:05Truth is Tariq's been surprisingly involved. He's killing it his head of the pta very invested in nick
03:12They said it couldn't be done. I was they
03:16You know Tariq. I have got to hand it to you. You have taken on a lot of responsibilities, so
03:20proud of you
03:21Yeah, it's pretty uh, hey, hey, great. Hey, what's up, bud?
03:27Hey, I just want to let you know you don't got to worry about nothing going on with me and
03:30over all right here
03:31Okay, it would be inappropriate to date a co-worker. So you don't work here. You famously don't work anywhere
03:37Did I miss the show this should need to read gregory love triangle about to get messy
03:42I'm going back to my classroom. Yeah, I'm a head on
03:44What are you doing here being entertained? I hope I put two weeks kid in your class for the drama
03:50I have the only second grade class and there isn't going to be any drama. Um, there better be now
03:54that I'm in this monogamous relationship
03:55I'm bored as hell
03:57All right, son. Have a good day and remember
04:02Forgot what I was gonna say
04:03I'ma just freestyle
04:05Nick, that's my son. Y'all know that he don't want
04:08Better than I say too, because baby, who is you? I'm just an art designer. I ain't show up in
04:14no suit
04:14I'll smoke it and I'm excited. It smells like somebody pulled it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, sorry
04:18I'm not bad. I'mma just go
04:21You miss it, don't you?
04:24Miss Shamenti? Yeah? Can I go to the bathroom? Oh
04:31Course you can. Jacob and Morton tried to scare me that teaching middle school is going to be a nightmare
04:35But here's the thing. You just got to meet the older kids where they're at
04:38One of the ways I do that is I let them have one curse word a day and they love
04:43it
04:44Okay, so I got some good news and some bad news. Good news is all you zaced your assessment test
04:51Hold up. What's the bad news? The bad news is we were going to go over the answers, but now
04:57You get 10 minutes to play on your phone. I hope that's chill
05:04You know, Jacob, I don't know why you have such a hard time with the older kids
05:08You know, you just got to treat them with respect so you can suck it
05:12I'm happy for you. Yeah, well eat it because not only do they love me, but they also aced the
05:18test
05:18I just gave them really that's impressive you got some of my less focused goofballs in that class
05:23Yeah, you can sit on it Gregory because some of us and by some I mean me know what we're
05:29doing around here
05:30So kiss my greats
05:37Barbara Barb why are you doing that doing what well you just ran the dishwasher with three cups two spoons
05:43and
05:44Nary a plate to be found. It's a huge waste of water. And you know, we can't start it for
05:47two hours
05:48Jacob I have been waiting for it to fill up
05:51So my mug will be clean and I have pushed it as late as I can
05:54Well, if you just want a particular mug can't you use the sponge in the sink?
05:58Excuse me that mug is the mug that gerald gave me in honor of being a soon-to-be glamour
06:05And this manicure is a work of art not a cleaning tool
06:15You see that
06:17Whatever happened to community shared spaces can be tricky
06:25I think it is time Barbara learned the power of a publicly posted post-it note
06:37Thank you for reminding me of the power of the pen
06:40I didn't say anything. You heard me not say anything, right?
06:45So glad mission met TC to math this year. I wish I could steal the answer sheets for all my
06:49classes
06:50If you started getting straight A's we definitely get caught. Yo, keep it down. This daddy's right over there
06:55He can't hear nothing with that big-ass hat on cam noon looking ass
07:02Your students are cheating and they had unkind words for my gardening hat
07:07What are you talking about the hat with the wide brim the one that janine got me they hate it
07:13and it was hurtful
07:14I feel like it frames my kids cheating on the test you gagoots. How would that even happen?
07:19Oh, they found the answer key took a photo and sent it to the whole class. No, I let the
07:23answer key in my desk
07:26I gotta lock my drawers now. What is this my family staying with me?
07:31Yeah, you don't really have to think about that kind of thing with the littles
07:33Yeah, you just leave answer keys out wear stupid hat. No one says nothing. Okay. No one said it was
07:37stupid
07:37This will not stand
07:43Okay, yeah, what are you gonna do? Oh, I'm gonna get him don't you worry well based on everything I
07:49know about you
07:49I'm actually very worried
07:51You're the new janitor. No work hard play your cards, right? Maybe someday. Mr. Johnson
08:02To all only run when full
08:06Jacob
08:07Well, who's this for?
08:09Could be melissa
08:11Probably janine. It's for you lady
08:13You know that jacob is becoming aggressively more passive with every year. I mean, this is ridiculous, right?
08:24Yeah, I don't know
08:26I mean everyone should advocate for themselves
08:32Exactly
08:34And I will advocate as clear as day so there is no miscommunication
08:41You don't know me miss alomar
08:44Uh-uh, I had a down year last year
08:49But this year I am feeling mighty spicy
08:56Wait, wait, wait, time out
08:57They got you back here in the nosebleeds?
08:59That's my seat
09:01Unacceptable, dude. We literally no need
09:03We could just put you at the front of the class
09:04Come on
09:07Hey, hey, excuse me. Um, I'm sorry twin, but this is a vip section. You got anything fragile in here?
09:13My pickles!
09:14Yeah, I know your pickles
09:17I'm so sorry. Ignore him
09:19Go ahead, all right
09:20So anyway
09:21Hey
09:23Now remember, you're not just another kid in this class, okay? You're special
09:27Because there was a time when I was the only man that your teacher knew
09:31Okay
09:32Hello
09:32Yeah, and I'm single
09:33All right
09:33So sorry. What? What were you saying?
09:36Okay, real quick. I made a list here of all the stickers that Nick would prefer and uh, he don't
09:42like to read on Thursdays
09:44So let's just not do that. Okay, gotta go. Busy, busy, busy
09:49Okay, brainiacs, so since the last quiz was uh
09:52Light work
09:53Yeah
09:53Yeah, yeah, light work
09:55So I figured that we would have another quiz on all the stuff we learned this week. That shouldn't be
10:00a problem, right?
10:01No
10:02Yeah
10:02No problem
10:03Okay, so I tell you what on my head to the bathroom soon as I get back on my handout
10:08the quizzes
10:09I got my phone, keys, stapler in its place, answer key right in my unlocked drawer
10:17Okay, so factoring in a little chit chat with barb, maybe a story from mr
10:22J. I should be back in exactly 10 minutes
10:25You probably didn't notice it because I was I was so subtle
10:28I planted fake answers to the quiz in my desk
10:31These kids are about to find out what the shimenti name means
10:34It means scheme
10:36Schimenti the original pronunciation they changed it at ellis island
10:40And then nick pulls a homemade hall pass out of his pocket that reads v.i.pp in tariq's handwriting
10:46yells yurr and then goes out the door
10:48I told y'all there'd be drama y'all the reason I don't have to steal anybody's password to peacock
10:54Why don't you just talk to tariq?
10:56Well, because he's come so far as a human adult and a father figure. I don't want to discourage him
11:03Maybe I'll just talk to nick about it
11:05Talk to a child about it
11:07Awfully protective of an ex i made o sean flush his phone and empty his cloud he's a really lucky
11:12man
11:15Are you sure tariq doesn't have janine's phone number
11:19I'm sure he does oh so tell me something and include my question in your answer
11:23How do you feel about your girlfriend getting into a spousal battle with her ex-lover over their shared son?
11:30I'm leaving janine. No this show
11:34Yurr
11:37Why is the dishwasher running oh to wash dishes that's what she wants you to think
11:54Did you run the dishwasher with just a spoon in it
11:58Jacob you are unusually sweaty today that is not an answer
12:03Of course not
12:05I put a single cup in there as well
12:08Wow, okay, you are being crazy and I can say that because a mental health professional miss alamar agreed with
12:16me backwards
12:18She agreed with me well, I thought your church was against lying
12:24Father god forgive me because i'm about to show this young man his pants on fire
12:28Yeah, let's go talk with miss alamar
12:32After you no after me
12:37Is everything okay why are you moist the dishwasher and the brisk walk over here
12:42Barbara ignored the note that you suggested I please tell this confused young man that you are completely on my
12:48side
12:48No, she's on mine mine. I'm with the student
12:57What is her problem? She got a lot of attitude
13:11Right
13:13Um
13:19Okay, you got all the answers right
13:22Boom
13:24So glad to save my curse for that
13:28This is impossible you were supposed to get them all wrong we knew the answers in your drawer were fake
13:33How'd you cheat then we talked to each other and remember the stuff you lectured about the stuff you made
13:38us read the class discussion and we aced it
13:41got you again mission mentee
13:44You seemed way smarter when we were in second grade
13:49Beaten by a bunch of bumbling sixth graders
13:54Feels like when the eagles lose to the cowboys
13:58Um, so we gotta talk nick said he couldn't get access to a green crayon which has led to this
14:05autumnal foliage and girl it ain't autumn
14:07It is autumn tariq. No, it ain't it's fall
14:11She's supposed to be a teacher. I'm about to put nick in the transfer portal immediately
14:15All right, you know what tariq you need to leave. Why do you still got him sitting in the cheap
14:18seats?
14:19His biggest fear is the back of people's heads. You're gonna give him ptsd. All right guys one second
14:25Nick is not gonna get special treatment anymore. All right. All of my kids are special. It's not a punishment.
14:31It's fair
14:34What if I knew that you were gonna treat my future son like this I would have never dated you
14:39What? Tariq cannot take criticism one time
14:42I told him a song of his wouldn't work because nothing rhymes with orange. He told me to go forage
14:47in the storage for some porridge
14:49Basically made my point for me
14:51Hi
14:53How's it going miss anison? It's miss alomar. Oh, well, please don't tell me you're gonna ask my opinion on
14:57something
14:57Now why would I do that when I have so many amazing opinions of my own i'm sorry
15:01It's just i'm at capacity and the kids are great, but for what could we?
15:08Some of the teachers here they're kind of a lot
15:13First of all don't be talking about my staff second of all spill the tea girl. It's just the teachers
15:19keep coming to me to settle their petty problems
15:21Welcome to what I have to deal with every single day with these needy-ass teachers. You must have a
15:26lot of patience
15:27You know what? I think I have more patience than anybody I know. Thank you. Mm-hmm. Did you go
15:33to harvard?
15:35I did go there I forget sometimes no wonder. This is such a well-run school
15:40God, it's so nice talking to someone who is a consummate professional
15:46I heard that ava ava you were absolutely right about that counselor. She is manipulative dismissive and rude
15:55She must go mm-hmm listen
15:58I've known both of you way longer than i've known her
16:01Yes, and that's why i must take her side on this what she said y'all getting on her nerves
16:07Interrupting her when she's with the kids doing the job she's supposed to do she's not going anywhere, but
16:12I am a harvard trained consummate professional who is extremely patient
16:18Now get the hell out so how'd the uh
16:22Revenge go not well
16:26Okay, what happened? Okay, so I planned like the fake answer key to a test and these little cheaters figured
16:32it out
16:32So they quickly like cracked open their textbooks studied up on the material took the test and did great
16:38So they learned yeah exactly how am I supposed to counter that? I don't think you should but
16:45Hello melissa. How are the super easy to handle middle schoolers? Jacob?
16:49I swear to God you can't catch me
16:50So it seems melissa the bully is herself getting bullied by a bunch of little kids. I was going to
16:56tell her to eat it, but I
16:59I got too scared
17:01Look, I love my first graders, but it is a completely different vibe when i'm with the older goofballs. Yes,
17:07they are more challenging
17:08They keep you on your toes. They sure do
17:11And you know, I could have figured out their next move. I'm just you know a little rusty
17:17second graders made me soft
17:21Why are you smiling? I gotta get back in fighting shape
17:28Melissa you do know you cannot fight the children, right? I know i'm not gonna just make it sure i'm
17:32not gonna fight them good
17:34I'm gonna teach them
17:40Have you not been doing that this whole time?
17:43There's no fighting over the brushes if you want another there
17:48Tariq
17:53Tariq I can see you
17:55Dang
17:57You always could janine. Oh my god
17:59Look i've been reflecting
18:02I've you know been looking at the mirror
18:04The man in there michael jackson
18:07He had a monkey
18:09What was I saying? I think you were trying to apologize
18:13No, no, that's not
18:16That no that that was it
18:18Look, I just want the best for nick and that is a teacher who treats all the kids fairly wow
18:24I'm really happy to hear you say that thank you tariq
18:28You really have grown
18:30I know it's pretty lame
18:33Oh boo
18:35No kiss no fantasy sweet
18:38Toddy's short-ass seasons are terrible finales
18:42Oh god
18:51Hey, barbara, can I can I talk to you jacob?
18:54I have not touched your precious dishwasher. I know I just I was thinking about miss alamar and
19:00You know, she's here for the kids and they really like her
19:04Indeed they do
19:05So in the spirit of fostering a healthy atmosphere and setting a good example
19:09I brought you a peace offering the glamour options were limited
19:13But I think this one also suits you number one diva
19:17I can work with that
19:19Thank you, jacob
19:21And quite honestly, I was feeling bad too and so I purchased
19:27These so that I could wash my single mug without ruining my manicure
19:33Oh
19:35Oh, hey, uh, just the person we want to see miss alamar we would
19:39What is her problem?
19:45Listen you are not in trouble, okay? I can respect when I got got but
19:51You can never cheat again, okay?
19:55Okay, did make me realize how much I have to teach you
19:59Like when you're write this down when you are pulling a job you got to keep the conspiracy small
20:06Okay, you got too many loose lips those goofballs they gossip more than the real housewives. You know, it's true
20:12Worse you burn your best scheme on a test you already had in the bag
20:16And now that I know you know it the next ones are going to be even harder bring it. Oh,
20:21I will
20:21I'm gonna be on you from here on out
20:25It's gonna be a good year
20:27Okay, crack those textbooks let's get into it
20:34Did you know you can use a dishwasher to cook salmon let me demonstrate first season your salmon taste
20:43Then you wrap your salmon up like so you select the salmon option on your dishwasher
20:50Let's just buy some pads
20:56Here's what I prepared earlier
21:01After one cycle you should have a perfectly cooked salmon that looks just like this
21:08Damn it's overdone. I think I'll wash this at home
21:13She's a bit of an odd duck speaking of duck you can also use the dishwasher to cook duck now
21:20But duck a la ronge
21:23Delicious
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