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Twisted Metal - Season 2 - Episode 05: ONURMRK
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TVTranscript
00:04You
00:33Your challengers approaching.
01:00Let's go.
01:33You think she knows that's a flare gun?
01:35No, not a chance.
01:37Is she ready for this?
01:38No way.
01:39But if we tell her not to enter, she absolutely will.
01:42That reminds me of someone.
01:45You.
01:46It reminds me of you.
01:47Yes, dummy.
01:49I know.
01:53Fuck.
01:54Holy men.
01:55Oh, God.
01:56Hey, motherfucker, I remember you.
01:58Lex!
02:00I'm not trying to lose this tournament before it starts.
02:05You're the guy who fought Preacher Jedediah at last year's gathering.
02:08You wanted to fuck that orange car so bad you killed him over it.
02:12Sorry, you wanted to fuck Evelyn?
02:13No.
02:14I didn't kill your leader.
02:15He caused the explosion, not me.
02:17Oh, yeah.
02:18Well, why don't we ask him?
02:20Benjamin, bring forth our Lord Preacher.
02:22Preacher?
02:22He's alive?
02:30Who's baby is this?
02:31Oh, this isn't just some baby.
02:34No.
02:36This horny little fucker right here is our Preacher, his immortal soul, reborn into tiny flesh.
02:46Our father would never leave us.
02:47Father never leaves.
02:49He just changes.
02:50Tell him, vegan.
02:51We waited many long months, and then one day our Preacher returned to us.
02:55He was in a tree.
02:57Like a squirrel.
02:58I'm not gonna lie, this little fucker is kind of cute.
03:01Don't get those fingers too close.
03:03He will bite them.
03:04Clean off.
03:06Shut up.
03:07Who could be scared?
03:21Hey.
03:24Hey.
03:31You freed me from Zimu.
03:34Good looking now.
03:36Yeah.
03:38Seemed like the chill thing to do.
03:41So, how are you doing?
03:45With freedom?
03:48Freedom.
03:51Maybe one day.
03:56Still drinking gasoline.
03:58Interesting.
03:59But I do owe you one.
04:00Oh, it's okay.
04:01Just one.
04:02After that, I'll flatten you with my tires, just like everyone else.
04:06Well, unfortunately for you, I'm not just like everyone else.
04:18New challenger approaching.
04:23I can't believe we're finally here.
04:25The tournament.
04:27Do you think I might get the chance to cut someone's head off?
04:29I've been sort of wanting to try that.
04:31But there is nothing I want more for you, Stu.
04:35Oh, hey, look.
04:36It's our OG fan club.
04:38I told you this would be the social event of the season.
04:40We should go say hi before we murder them for sport.
04:43You go ahead.
04:45I'll store douchebags anyway.
04:47I need to prepare for my next killing spree.
04:49Oh, Stu, you're going to make me cry.
04:51Do me a favor.
04:52Make sure Harold doesn't pull the pin early.
04:55He's got an itchy trigger figure.
04:58Lactation is very rare in men, but Benjamin here has been blessed with the nips of a mother.
05:03Fucking wine corks.
05:04I'm an unholy miracle.
05:05Oh, if it isn't my two favorite critics.
05:11My sweet tooth.
05:12So what are you crazy kids doing here?
05:15You come to cheer me on?
05:16Oh, uh, not exactly.
05:20Hey, you know, I tried to kill this guy one time.
05:23So did he.
05:25This time he'll finish the job.
05:27Benjamin, time to put down Preacher.
05:30Then we'll put you down.
05:35Hey, you need any help with that little fucker?
05:37Hit me up.
05:38I've already killed one baby.
05:41So what have you two crazy kids been up to?
05:44Tell me everything.
05:59Take a picture.
06:01It'll last longer.
06:02Sorry.
06:03I was just admiring your hat.
06:08You're joining the tournament?
06:11You wouldn't last a day in the Florida swamplands.
06:22You're right.
06:23You know what?
06:24I shouldn't be here.
06:25Everyone's really scary.
06:26Especially you.
06:28You're smart to fear me.
06:29Because those who cross,
06:31very many,
06:33don't live together to you.
06:35You're terrifying.
06:36You know,
06:38I don't care what that guy Deacon says.
06:42What did he say?
06:43No, just that you're not a real competitor.
06:46I'll bark, no bite.
06:48Stupid stuff.
06:49Son of a bitch.
06:50He also said something about you being a bug fucker.
06:53Come on!
06:54There was one time!
06:56I put ants in my pants,
06:57and it's not my fault that it felt good.
06:59I did it for a joke.
07:00Where's that fucker?
07:13Excuse me,
07:14would you like to know
07:14who had some very specific opinions
07:16about your eyepatch?
07:21A clown said that?
07:23Those exact words.
07:25Swear to God.
07:26Or not God.
07:27The devil.
07:28I don't know.
07:28Whoever you swear to.
07:29For what it's worth.
07:31I don't think the holy men have gone soft.
07:33Soft?
07:36Why?
07:37Because I am an incredibly attentive father figure?
07:41I'll show him.
07:42The only thing more powerful than big-ass guns
07:45is a daddy's love.
07:55Watch where you're going,
07:56you dipshit.
07:57Or, uh,
07:59I'll have to rip your balls off
08:00and shove him up your nose.
08:18Stu?
08:19Mike?
08:21Mike?
08:25I thought you were dead.
08:27Thanks.
08:28Oh, my God.
08:30Are you real, or am I tripping?
08:33I knew I shouldn't have foraged for mushies at night.
08:35I'm very real, man.
08:37Dude,
08:38if I knew you were alive,
08:39I would have...
08:40Hey, Michael.
08:41Hammerhead is locked and loaded.
08:43Hey, guy.
08:44That's a nice headband.
08:45It actually brings out your eyes.
08:48Thanks.
08:49Yeah.
08:50Stu.
08:50This is my new homie, Dave.
08:52Yeah.
08:53Dave.
08:54This is Stu.
08:56No way!
08:58This is your old compadre, big Stu!
09:02Or just Stu.
09:03You know, your reputation precedes you.
09:05I mean, I've heard so much about you,
09:07because, uh...
09:08Yeah.
09:09Oh, awesome.
09:10Yeah.
09:11Cool.
09:11How'd you meet this guy?
09:13Well, after Sweet Tooth attacked us,
09:15I was messed up bad, man.
09:17So I rolled over in the fire
09:18to cauterize the gash on my back.
09:21Thank you, Dave.
09:23Oh, God.
09:25And next thing I know,
09:26I got found by some butchers.
09:28And get this.
09:29Dave here
09:31was one of the butchers.
09:35It's crazy, right?
09:36And what a twist.
09:37Seriously, I mean,
09:38we were fattening him up for a barbecue.
09:40Then Mike just kind of
09:42flipped the script on me.
09:43He told me, um...
09:45a man who eats man
09:49is no man at all.
09:53He's a regular Bill Shakespeare, right?
09:55Yeah.
09:55But seriously,
09:56from that day forward,
09:57I vowed I would never let
09:58any man meat touch these lips.
10:01Well, I'm just happy
10:02you didn't eat my good pal Mike.
10:03Yeah, he's too.
10:04So am I, okay?
10:06I would have missed out
10:07on a pretty damn good friendship.
10:09Because you would have eaten them.
10:11Yeah, I would have eaten them.
10:12Yeah.
10:12For sure, for sure.
10:13So,
10:14I saw your ass get dragged
10:16off the beach, man.
10:17I thought you were burnt toast.
10:18How the hell did you get away
10:19from Sweet Tooth?
10:20Oh, uh,
10:21super crazy story.
10:22I, uh...
10:22Stu!
10:23Oh, my God!
10:23There are so many cool people
10:24here to kill.
10:25There's a human car hybrid
10:26over there.
10:27I think he's on roid.
10:28You're still with him?
10:30I can't explain it.
10:31Hey, didn't I cut you in half?
10:33I never forget a victim.
10:34You did.
10:35But you didn't finish the job.
10:37Could you not tell anybody
10:38about that?
10:39I mean,
10:39attempted murder
10:40is kind of a bad look for me.
10:42Well, congratulations
10:43on creating the perfect
10:45little minion
10:46to do your bidding.
10:48Wait a minute.
10:49That's not what this is.
10:50We're partners.
10:51Equals.
10:52Yeah, no, we're not.
10:53As a matter of fact,
10:54yesterday,
10:54I massacred a room full
10:55of random people
10:56all by myself.
10:58And you're proud of that.
11:00You left me for dead
11:01so that you can find out
11:03how to murder better?
11:03Yeah, that about sums it up.
11:05Oh, okay.
11:06Yeah.
11:06Come on, Dave.
11:07We got a tournament
11:08to win.
11:10I'll be right there, Mike.
11:11Keep your head
11:12on a swivel.
11:14Look,
11:15he's just got to cool off
11:16and be fine.
11:18Just remember,
11:19the road to self-discovery
11:22is a long
11:23and arduous one.
11:25Hey,
11:26one love.
11:29I also love that mask.
11:31It's really cheery
11:33and
11:34it's like I'm looking
11:35at a dental ad.
11:36It's nice.
11:38Man, that Dave guy's
11:40got a real nice way
11:41about him, huh?
11:42Fit, too.
11:43You can tell he really
11:44watches what he eats.
11:50This motherfucker.
11:53That asshole
11:54killed Jeremy and Ashley.
12:05Grim!
12:06How the hell'd you get out?
12:07I threw away the king.
12:09I got a special invitation.
12:11And that's Mr. Grim
12:13to you, Marcus.
12:15You know that's not my name.
12:17Oh, you're still
12:18in so much pain.
12:21Oh,
12:22don't worry.
12:23Soon you'll be free.
12:26And his soul
12:27will be with us.
12:34Marcus, huh?
12:36What is that,
12:36Germanic?
12:48What is that,
12:50Germanic?
12:51What do we do
12:51about Axel?
12:52I don't know.
12:53Maybe get him
12:53a damn shirt.
12:56I don't think
12:57he'll be a problem.
12:58We should avoid
12:59Sweet Tooth
13:00because he's
13:00fucking bonkers.
13:01A motorcycle guy
13:02will keep him busy.
13:03They got a history.
13:04Really?
13:06What else did you find out?
13:07Oh, plenty.
13:08That's Billy Ray
13:09Stilwell,
13:10a.k.a.
13:10the junkyard dog.
13:12Dangerous, for sure,
13:13but dumber than a box
13:14of assholes.
13:15You really just
13:15gotta watch out
13:16for that spiked
13:17metal ball catapult thing.
13:18The human cum sock
13:20is Chucky Floop.
13:22Heard he's
13:22the sickest driver
13:23in the country,
13:24but I know a poser
13:24when I see him.
13:26Who I'm real worried
13:27about is Death Warrant,
13:29Bounty Hunter
13:29from Dallas.
13:31Hurdy takes Scouts
13:32and weaves the hair
13:33of his victims
13:34into his own mane.
13:35That's a lot of hair.
13:36Yeah,
13:37he's covering
13:37a bald spot.
13:38He's very sensitive
13:39about it.
13:40I think we're
13:41gonna tear this shit up.
13:42Fuck yeah.
13:43And if the party
13:44gets a little rowdy,
13:45I could always
13:45hit that EMP.
13:48Solid recon.
13:49That's really
13:50gonna help us.
13:51Help you?
13:52Bitch,
13:53I'm here to get
13:53my own wish.
13:54Besides,
13:55no amount of intel
13:55is gonna help
13:56with road kills.
13:57Janky,
13:57turn radius.
13:58What's wrong
13:59without turn radius?
14:00Good luck out there.
14:02But calm down.
14:03She's just fucking
14:04with you.
14:04I know that.
14:09So,
14:10you think
14:11you can spread lies
14:12about me,
14:13you little punk?
14:14Stu's the one
14:15who called you
14:15a loser
14:15with a micro-penis,
14:16not me.
14:17I am NOT a loser!
14:25Whatever.
14:27You'll see soon enough.
14:34Eat shit.
14:37You're a douche.
14:38May.
14:39Look,
14:39I like you guys.
14:40And all,
14:40but I'm not interested
14:41in an alliance.
14:42Yeah, no,
14:42I get that.
14:43But why are you
14:43making yourself a target?
14:45I'm getting inside
14:46their heads.
14:47It's mind games.
14:48101.
14:48Do you understand
14:49how dangerous
14:50this is gonna be?
14:50I can handle this.
14:51Quiet.
14:52If you go out there,
14:53you're on your own.
14:55We all are.
14:58Wow.
14:58Way to be overdramatic.
15:00I'll keep the finish line
15:01warm for you.
15:08new challenger
15:10new challenger
15:29uproaching.
15:29That should be obvious.
15:30But what I can't figure out
15:31is why you fought so hard
15:33to escape me
15:34only to end up here anyway.
15:36Do you even
15:37see how annoying that is?
15:46the sex is that good, huh?
15:49I can respect that.
15:50Just know,
15:52once we get out there,
15:53I'm gonna be the one
15:54doing the fucking.
15:57Hot Topic brought up
15:59fancy car.
16:00Do you even know
16:00how to drive that thing?
16:02Fuck around and find out.
16:05Toodles.
16:07That's a different raven,
16:09right?
16:09There's a bunch of them.
16:11This one,
16:12she's the boss.
16:13Are they all hot?
16:14Yeah,
16:15it's like gremlins.
16:25I'll live so.
16:32You gotta admire
16:33the showmanship.
16:37We're really gonna wait
16:38for this door
16:39to open all the way?
16:40Just,
16:41he's building tension.
16:49Yeah,
16:50this is taking forever.
17:18Ladies,
17:20gentlemen,
17:23welcome
17:24to my contest.
17:26Well,
17:28almost.
17:31You're not in it
17:32quite yet.
17:33First,
17:34you must survive
17:35a qualifying round.
17:38Yo,
17:38dude.
17:40Not really taking
17:41questions yet,
17:42but go ahead.
17:44So what are the rules?
17:46I feel like some of us
17:47are wondering.
17:50I was just about
17:52to get to that,
17:53Mr. Floop,
17:53if you just waited
17:54one second.
17:56It's okay.
17:57It's okay.
17:58Never mind.
17:59The rules
18:00of the qualifier
18:01are as simple
18:02as one,
18:04two,
18:04three.
18:05One,
18:07grab a package.
18:10Two,
18:12deliver it to
18:12Tournament City.
18:14Deliver it packages?
18:15We got this in a bag.
18:16And three.
18:19Don't die.
18:21The drivers
18:22who successfully
18:23deliver my packages
18:24intact
18:24will move on
18:26to the next round.
18:28Prepare for battle
18:29in ten.
18:32Nine.
18:33Go, go, go.
18:34Shoot, go.
18:35Eight.
18:38Seven.
18:39Woo!
18:40Six.
18:41Go, go, go, go, go.
18:42Hold on now.
18:44Five.
18:47Four.
18:50Three.
18:53Two.
18:55You're all right.
18:56This guy does know
18:57how to put on a show.
18:58One.
19:01Let's rock!
19:02One.
19:03Two.
19:06Two.
19:13One.
19:14Two.
19:16Two.
19:17Two.
19:21Two.
19:25Nine.
19:52You sure you're not worried about the kid?
19:54Come on, I'm sure. She's not going anywhere without this.
19:58You! No, stop now! Come on!
20:01Shit!
20:02Take her there!
20:12Dead I am, the pool's raining from the cold, speaking of what you need.
20:18Rib at 12 o'clock.
20:27I've been waiting minutes to do this.
20:42Damn it! Come on!
20:46You're not getting away that easy.
20:51Oh, take away my sleep!
20:53Benjamin, protect the guard child!
21:02Holy shit!
21:08Get them!
21:11Get them!
21:12Get them!
21:19Nice shot, Harold!
21:28I'm gonna enjoy this milkman.
21:42Get them!
21:43Get them!
21:46Get them!
21:48Get them!
21:51Get them!
21:52Get them!
21:54God, that felt good!
21:55You know, your butt looks really good when you're shooting.
22:11Game over!
22:25I think he's tracking us.
22:27What?
22:28Shit!
22:29The little green light turned yellow.
22:30What do we do?
22:31I don't know.
22:31Not let it get red?
22:33Step on it.
22:34Because it's hope we're gonna get car sick.
22:37Spread out!
22:38One of those heaven bombs can take us all down!
22:48Fuck this.
22:53Now that's how I wanna go.
22:55Earth-shattering explosion.
22:57And if I take grip with me, even better.
22:59I actually don't wanna die in a big explosion.
23:01Maybe we should get to the city and then kill him there.
23:03No!
23:04We kill him now!
23:06Fine!
23:07Let me take the wheel.
23:08You can get a clean shot at him.
23:10Partner.
23:11Stooby-dooby-doo!
23:13That is a great idea.
23:18I got a grenade with your name on it.
23:22No!
23:24What are you doing?
23:25Fuck grip!
23:26We'll get him into their ground!
23:27Stop!
23:42Hey!
23:43What the fuck?
23:44HeVES!
23:47She's trying to kill him!
23:56What the fuck?
23:57He hates you.
23:57What the fuck?
23:58Hy-wah!
24:03Ow!
24:08Fuck!
24:09The Kid!
24:19We have to keep our eye on the prize, right?
24:22Right?
24:23Right.
24:24I can't go back for her.
24:40Turn around.
24:43What, John? No!
24:44Move over, goddammit! We're wasting time! Come on!
25:38Move over, goddammit!
25:40Move over, goddammit!
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