- 2 minutes ago
Hacks Season 5 Episode 6
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TVTranscript
00:00I really want to say this since you threw paint in my truck when I got the banisters wrong.
00:03Well, suggesting anything other than Brothers Gold was demented.
00:06Totally.
00:07But the buildings had to be more work than we discussed.
00:10What are we talking?
00:11Well, the electrical's not up to code.
00:12The HVAC needs to be completely gutted.
00:14The estimates on the theater are skyrocketing because of the custom lighting and the pyrotechnic capabilities.
00:19Well, a Vegas show without pyrotechnics is like a lap dance in broad daylight.
00:23I won't be caught dead doing it.
00:24All in all, we're looking at an additional $20 million to get the Diva operational.
00:28And that's just a conservative estimate.
00:30Oh, God.
00:31Just to say it, it would save us a ton if we didn't have the Diva statue.
00:37Well, how are people supposed to make an entrance if not between my legs?
00:41Where's the joy, the whimsy, where's the...
00:44Wow factor.
00:44The wow factor.
00:46Well...
00:47I mean, people love this design.
00:49The underwear mirror for upskirt selfies will be a destination in and of itself.
00:52It's just that it just seems technically unnecessary.
00:56Unnecessary?
00:57Is there a gas leak in here?
00:58Actually, there is.
01:00And that's probably going to cost...
01:01Oh, my God!
01:02Okay, okay, okay.
01:03Maybe if we book a headliner, we can use some of the advanced ticket sales to fund this.
01:09Okay, I'll get on that.
01:10You try to find an outside investor.
01:13Is now a bad time to discuss why we can't convert a chlorine pool to pink champagne?
01:17Yes!
01:18Yes, ma'am.
01:21He's into me.
01:33So what happened?
01:34What happened?
01:34We took our room.
01:36You didn't hear this from me, but she had the best night of her life.
01:38No.
01:40Oh, it's Debra.
01:41Could you give me one second?
01:42Mm.
01:42Well, so you shouldn't be talking to me about this stuff.
01:44Why not?
01:45Hello!
01:46Hi, I need your help.
01:47We're building that state-of-the-art theater at the Diva, and we need a comic for a residency
01:51who can bring in a ton of pre-sales.
01:53Do you know of anyone?
01:54Debra, you know you don't have to fish for compliments with me.
01:56As Kayla would say, you are the number one living legend, and you would slay the boots
02:00down on the Diva Chiquita banana.
02:02It should be you.
02:03You should do it.
02:04No, no, no, no, no.
02:05My residency days are behind me.
02:07Oh, uh, do you know Bruno Fox?
02:09Is he related to Red Fox?
02:11I don't think so, because one is black and one is white.
02:13But you know what?
02:13I never assume.
02:14You don't know what their mom was doing.
02:16Okay.
02:16Anyway, he's like a super popular podcaster in stand-up.
02:19He's got a huge following.
02:21Um, oh, he does those Travelocity ads, which I actually find quite funny.
02:24I don't even hit to get that.
02:25Oh, that guy!
02:27Oh, he'd be good.
02:28Can you get him?
02:29Uh, yeah.
02:30Yeah, I can get him.
02:32Great.
02:32Let me know.
02:33Will do.
02:38It is so weird to be back here.
02:40Well, she already took down the pictures I put up.
02:43We've been gone for over two years.
02:46Also, why would she keep up pictures of you and your college friends?
02:48Because we're hot and fun.
02:50Well, look what the cat farted in.
02:52La Suck and Kweeper.
02:55You two poor cat.
02:57Great to see you guys.
02:58If you're looking to poach clients, there's a dial at the center right down the street.
03:03Oh, my goodness.
03:04That's really funny.
03:05So, look, I'm going to keep this brief, please.
03:07We have an opportunity for one of your clients.
03:08As you may have heard, Debra Vance is opening a casino hotel in downtown Vegas, and we would
03:12like Bruno Fox to be the very first comic in residence.
03:17Wow.
03:17Wow.
03:18Bruno.
03:19He has a lot of balls in the air right now.
03:21Mm-hmm.
03:22This is a huge opportunity for a stand-up, right?
03:24I mean, you know that.
03:25Vegas residency means a steady paycheck, shows every night of the week.
03:28A lot more money than you make on the road.
03:30Oh, yeah.
03:31Well, you know, I'll try to remember to mention it to him the next time I talk to him.
03:35Yeah.
03:35See what he says.
03:36Yeah, yeah.
03:36Yeah.
03:36The next time you talk to him could be right now if you just dial him up.
03:39Ooh, we'd love to, but we've got to go right now because we've got massages.
03:42The kind where you come.
03:44Ugh.
03:44Together?
03:45You're going to go?
03:45Yes.
03:46Wait, are you serious?
03:47Are you really going to walk out and just...
03:48Later, dildos.
03:49Oh, my God.
03:50I know they're going to present this to Bruno like it's a total waste of time just to fuck with
03:53us.
03:54So sadistic.
03:55Reminds me of how I used to treat this one girl in my summer camp.
03:57So mean.
03:59You know what?
04:00Fuck them.
04:01We are going to go to Bruno ourselves and present this offer directly.
04:04Hell yeah.
04:04I knew you had that dog in you.
04:07All right, here we go.
04:08He's performing this weekend in Kalamazoo, Michigan.
04:10We are going.
04:11Central time.
04:12Yeah.
04:13It's Easter.
04:14Oh.
04:15Mm.
04:16It sucks.
04:19Mm.
04:20To be asked to be a food tester?
04:22Dream come true.
04:23Well, it's perfect.
04:24I mean, you have flyover state taste.
04:26And Josefina has the most refined palate of anyone I've ever met.
04:29Hmm.
04:30Pistachio cream in an entree?
04:32I'm feeling crazy for this.
04:34So what?
04:35If we like this chef's food, you guys are going to just poach him for Marty?
04:37Yep.
04:38Damn, ice cold.
04:40Rice is hot, though.
04:41Well, it's not personal.
04:42It's just business.
04:43Oh.
04:44Excuse me.
04:46I love a little crunch.
04:48Big sleigh.
04:49Oh, Deborah, I've been working on the opening joke.
04:51So what about this?
04:52Um, hello, Madison Square Garden.
04:54I've been silenced for 18 months to let me finally say this.
04:56Big pants only look good if you're tall.
04:59Eh.
05:00I don't want to talk about pants.
05:02Look, I can't believe we can't figure out this opener.
05:04No, I know.
05:05I think we have a writer's block.
05:06We've got to get some new energy going.
05:07You know, we could try cold plunging.
05:09Helps Joe Rogan.
05:10Helps him do what?
05:11Right.
05:12Good point.
05:12So, I put out some feelers to some friends in the V.C. world about funding for the diva.
05:17That was Graham Sweeney's office.
05:19He's a young tech developer, big portfolio.
05:21He immediately responded and wants to fly in to meet with you.
05:24Oh, great.
05:25And he asked where Ava has come, too.
05:28What?
05:30Me?
05:30Why?
05:31Oh, my God.
05:32Do you think this is like an indecent proposal situation where he'll only give you the millions
05:35if he has one fabulous night with Miss Ava Daniels?
05:39Millions?
05:39Please.
05:40He could get you with a donation to Greenpeace and some combat boots.
05:45That's true.
05:46No one is asking you to have sex, but these V.C. guys are freaky and we need the money.
05:51So, if he asks to eat sushi off you, you know, play ball.
05:54All right, fine.
05:55I'll go.
05:56But I'm telling you, if there's a Philadelphia roll on my titty, I'm eating that shit.
06:00Marcus set up the meat.
06:01And you, after this, I'm taking you to a parking lot to practice walking in high heels.
06:07Now that is a crispy skin.
06:09Bam!
06:16I'm serious!
06:18So, I come out of the men's room and I see a trans guy standing there waiting, right?
06:22I look him in his eyes.
06:23I say, bro, I do not mean this like it sounds, but do not go in there.
06:30Woo!
06:33Thank you!
06:35Thank you!
06:35Let's go get this son of a bitch.
06:37I love that!
06:38Yeah!
06:43From the fox.
06:44Yo!
06:45Can we come in?
06:45Entrevue!
06:46Okay, bonjour!
06:47Ah, yes!
06:48Jimmy Lussac Jr., this is my partner, Kaylin Schaefer.
06:51How you doing?
06:51Pleasure.
06:52Sorry to accost you right after your set, which was amazing, by the way.
06:54So funny.
06:55We couldn't stop smiling and laughing.
06:57But we have a very attractive offer for you.
07:00I mean, if it's a cuck thing, maybe, but I'm pretty much retired from gay stuff.
07:04Oh.
07:04It's not a cuck thing.
07:04No, no, we're managers from L.A., Schaefer and Lussac.
07:08We represent Debra Vance.
07:09Among others.
07:11And we just wanted to talk to you about a stand-up opportunity that we think you might like.
07:15Look, man, sorry, but when I'm off stage, I can't be about to work anymore, you know?
07:20Okay.
07:21Okay.
07:21But I am down to go out.
07:24Don't want to party.
07:25Hmm?
07:26I'm 100% down for that.
07:28Okay.
07:29Yeah, let's do it.
07:30What are you thinking?
07:30I mean, there's a little bar down the street called Cokie's.
07:33Do we need a reservation for Cokie's?
07:35No.
07:36But we do need someone to drive.
07:38Can you all drive us?
07:39We got a Subaru we rented, so let's do it.
07:41Music to my ears.
07:41The car play doesn't work, but that's all right, because I'll just sing for us.
07:44Hope you like Nelly Pitata.
07:45Kidding me?
07:46I'm a Nelly boy.
07:47Okay.
07:47Well, let's get some beers for the ride, though, right?
07:49Um.
07:57Hi.
07:57Hello.
07:58Good evening.
07:59Right this way.
08:00I'll go get Mr. Sweeney.
08:02What did she say?
08:03This dress is so tight, I can't hear in it.
08:06Also, it does not leave room for underwear.
08:07I think my bush is leaving an invitation.
08:10Well, well, well.
08:11Debra Vance in the flesh.
08:13This is such an honor.
08:13I'm Graham Sweeney.
08:14Graham, good to meet you.
08:15Likewise.
08:16And Ava.
08:17Hey, what's going on?
08:19Hi.
08:20I'm so psyched you could come, too.
08:21I'm a huge fan of both of you.
08:24So, I guess you're probably wondering why I wanted to meet with you.
08:27Well, no.
08:28I'm never surprised when a man's interested in meeting me.
08:30I bet you're not.
08:32Um, well, would you mind if I did a little presentation?
08:35Sure.
08:35Okay.
08:36Please.
08:37Come.
08:37All right.
08:41Elaine will be right out with some drinks.
08:42She makes a bomb martini.
08:45I have a seat.
08:46Please.
08:48All right.
08:49Now, you ladies comfortable?
08:51Not really.
08:52Okay.
08:52First, a little bit about me.
08:55I got my start streamlining the way hospitals buy and receive medical tubing.
08:59Oh.
08:59I used to sell a cat-themed blood pressure monitor.
09:01See?
09:02So you get it.
09:03Genius.
09:04So, now that I've conquered the healthcare industry, it's time for me to move into my next venture,
09:08which is an LLM-generated AI model I'm calling Quick Scribble.
09:15Ah.
09:15It's an AI chat bot that helps people sound like the most optimized, funniest, smartest version of themselves.
09:22It's like Photoshopping your voice.
09:24For anybody who's looking to punch up the way that they speak or write or make jokes, this will help.
09:30Okay?
09:30Take, for example, a bridesmaid at a wedding.
09:34She wants to make a funny toast, but she's a bank teller.
09:38Sorry.
09:39So when you say she, you mean an AI person that you invented?
09:42That I prompted.
09:43Yes.
09:44Cool.
09:44Well, let's see how she does.
09:46Sarah's always loved to have fun.
09:49Maybe a little too much fun, if you know what I mean.
09:53Sex.
09:54Ugh.
09:55Now, that sucks shit, right?
09:58Yeah.
09:59But what if she had had help crafting that toast by none other than comedy goddess Deborah Vance?
10:05Love her.
10:06It might sound a little something like this.
10:09According to the Talmud, every bride is beautiful on her wedding day.
10:13The Talmud is, of course, the drag queen who did Sarah's cheek contouring today.
10:19Boom goes the dynamite.
10:20Even Grandpa's deaf ass is laughing at that one.
10:23Not bad.
10:23Yeah, it does sound like me.
10:25Yeah.
10:26So, um, how did you train it to sound like Deborah already?
10:31Well, by scraping material that's online.
10:33Oh, so they stole it.
10:35Technically?
10:36Right now it's not regulated, and that's why I've come to you.
10:38I want to compensate you.
10:40And I don't just want what's online.
10:42I want the real Deborah Vance.
10:43Oh, well, then you should have met me three noses ago.
10:47Well, they nailed it.
10:48It's a sexy-ass nose.
10:49Now, look, I want your full library, and for you to work with the AI itself training it.
10:56Yeah.
10:56Can I ask, um, why us?
10:58Because Deborah has the perfect voice for quick scribble.
11:02I mean, you have such mass appeal.
11:04That's why you're the number one late-night show in America.
11:07You tell it like it is, but in a funny way, and that's how everybody wants to be.
11:11Well, this does kind of prove my long-standing theory that my way is best and everyone else is wrong.
11:15Ha!
11:16Exactly.
11:17See, I want that.
11:18And when I heard that you were looking for investment in your casino, I was like,
11:21well, this is the coolest opportunity for us to partner on.
11:25So, ladies, should we talk about the nuts and bolts?
11:28Let's.
11:28Yeah.
11:29Okay.
11:30So we've got three blocks.
11:33It is getting so late.
11:35We've got to bring up the residency as soon as he gets back,
11:37because I don't know how much longer I can stay out.
11:38Come on.
11:39You stayed up all night for the Fiona Apple pre-sale.
11:42You can do it tonight.
11:42She never goes on tour.
11:43It was Isla Wheel.
11:44It was a big thing for me.
11:45All right.
11:46Hey, there he is.
11:47Can we get another round, please?
11:49Wow, another round.
11:50Indeed.
11:51I haven't drank as much since I rushed.
11:53You were in a frat?
11:54No, almost.
11:55I went and fucked a goat, and I reported them to the dean.
11:57But you know what?
11:58I'm proud of that, because it led to much healthier rush policies on campus.
12:01That's just the kind of guy he is.
12:03He would never fuck any animals.
12:05No one.
12:06Okay.
12:06Anyway, so listen, Debra Vance is opening a casino in Las Vegas,
12:10and they're looking for a comedian to do a residency.
12:12And we think that comedian should be you.
12:16A Vegas residency.
12:18That's great.
12:21I can get off the road, finally.
12:23Mm-hmm.
12:23That could be a good thing for me.
12:26Bruno, Vegas.
12:27Come on.
12:28I mean, raw seafood bars as far as the eye can see, strip clubs on every block.
12:32I mean, it's the promised land for guys like us.
12:37This is probably the tequila talking, but yeah.
12:40I'm in.
12:41Yeah?
12:41Yeah.
12:42Okay, amazing.
12:43Fuck it.
12:43We are doing it, huh?
12:44Come on.
12:44All right.
12:45Come on.
12:45All right, so listen, we're going to head back to L.A. tomorrow, but we'll be in touch
12:48with details.
12:49Boy, you can't leave.
12:51We can't?
12:52No, I have another show tomorrow night.
12:53Come on.
12:54We got to go out afterwards.
12:55Celebrate.
12:56Get drinks.
12:58Oh, uh, uh.
12:59Look, if we're going to work together, I need to get to know you guys.
13:01We got a bond, you know?
13:03Stay.
13:04Stay.
13:05Please.
13:06Okay.
13:07Okay.
13:07All right.
13:08We'll stay.
13:08Yes.
13:09Now, one question.
13:11Who's getting the bag?
13:13Wow.
13:15I was really looking forward to Raiden before bed.
13:18Trick question.
13:19I already got it.
13:20Oh, my gosh.
13:21Okay, fine.
13:21I can only do two lines.
13:23You have given me so much to think about.
13:26This is really, really interesting.
13:28Fantastic pitch.
13:30Yeah, I have a couple questions.
13:31I mean...
13:32Look, Ava, I know how much you've contributed to Debra's recent material, so if I want to
13:36accurately capture her true voice, I need you involved.
13:39Okay, so when we hand over the material, you can ensure that it's just going to be used
13:43for bridesmaids' speeches and not to make, like, Hitler seem young and funny to red-pilled
13:47dark-web gooners.
13:49Well, we're not in the business of censoring our customers.
13:54Right.
13:54Don't try to argue with her.
13:55You'll get nowhere.
13:56Next thing you know, you'll have donated $10,000 to some barista's top surgery.
14:00I don't know what happened to the term boob job.
14:02That's what they called it when I had one.
14:04Ava, AI is here, and it's here to stay.
14:07Okay, so you either get on board or you get left in the past.
14:09See, that is a big part of why I hate it.
14:13This forced inevitability.
14:15People like you are always saying that it's happening whether you like it or not, but you're
14:19the ones making it happen, okay?
14:21And you could easily stop it if people could say that they didn't want it, but you don't
14:24want to give people a choice.
14:26So you just say, oh, the train's already on the tracks, and you don't let people decide
14:29for themselves.
14:30I'm sorry.
14:30It is technological R-A-P-E.
14:33Rape?
14:34You said it, not me.
14:35Oh, okay, okay.
14:36Let's all just take a breath.
14:37I wish I could take a breath.
14:39I'm strapped down in this motherfucker.
14:40I can't breathe in here, Deborah.
14:42Now, why should we believe that this app is this amazing thing that is going to change
14:45the world?
14:46Obviously, you want us to believe that because you stand to profit from it, so of course
14:49you're going to tell us that it's happening no matter what, and it's inevitable, okay?
14:53Oh, my God.
14:53This is exactly like when, like, a fucking random-ass diner puts a sign out front that's, like,
14:57best waffles in America, and it's like, yeah, according to who, the people trying
14:59to sell the fucking waffles.
15:01I am not trying to sell you bad waffles.
15:03Trust.
15:04Well, yet again, she's managed to bring waffles into the conversation.
15:08Okay, lots to think about here, Graham.
15:10Yeah.
15:10Thanks so much.
15:11I'll, uh, I'll give it a thought.
15:12I'll talk to my people.
15:13Thanks, Deborah.
15:14Yeah.
15:18Sorry.
15:19Eva, are you here?
15:19I'm fine.
15:20I'm good.
15:20Okay.
15:29Oh, I hate this place.
15:31It smells like an old bicycle seat.
15:32It's not that bad.
15:34We needed to save money, so let's just try and go to sleep.
15:37I just normally sleep naked.
15:39Well, sorry, but tonight you're not sleeping naked, okay?
15:44Okay, Jimmy.
15:52What is going on over there?
15:54It's so itchy.
15:55My clothes are making me itchy.
15:57Okay, you can take off your clothes underneath the covers, but then in the morning you're putting
16:01them back on under the covers, okay?
16:03Yay!
16:05Take off my lady boxers.
16:07Okay, I don't need to play by play.
16:08Just do your thing.
16:14Why are you taking them off like that?
16:15That's how I always take them off.
16:16I'm disrobing.
16:17You do this alone?
16:18What?
16:19Yes.
16:24Hello?
16:28I'm waiting for you down to my office.
16:30God, can we crack a window?
16:32It smells like King Tutankhamen's tomb in here.
16:34Sorry, I just, I got distracted researching the ethics of AI.
16:37Turns out, really bad.
16:39Yeah, well, everything's unethical if you think about it too much.
16:43As my manicurist says, can you changing?
16:45Then don't think about it.
16:46Oh, my God.
16:48Oh, you want me to whitewash my manicurist?
16:50People have accents.
16:51Okay, so move past that one.
16:52Look, before you meet with this guy again, you should know that large language models like
16:55quick scribble are really, really bad for the environment.
16:58It's an app.
16:59Everyone uses apps.
17:00Aren't all apps bad for the environment?
17:02Yes, but AI uses servers that need 15 times more energy and they build them in poorer communities.
17:07Look at this.
17:08In Memphis, an AI plant is stealing all the fresh water and blasting the air with nitrogen oxides.
17:13I see.
17:15And how much energy are you using keeping 400 tabs open on your browser?
17:19See, I can play this game too.
17:21Deborah, no, come on.
17:23I sold my Malaysian palm oil farm.
17:24Can I have this?
17:26No.
17:27I am lending my name and my expertise to a program that is going to make people's lives easier.
17:33What about the economy?
17:34Okay, I know you care about that.
17:37I mean, AI has already destroyed massive sectors of the workforce.
17:40Yeah, well, you know, if your job is replaceable, let it be replaced.
17:43I'm sorry, that's how the market works.
17:44Oh, my God.
17:45Okay, well, what about me?
17:47AI is absolutely going to take away jobs from writers.
17:50It already has.
17:50Not if you're good.
17:51If you're good, you can't be replaced.
17:53Did you know that in the 80s there was a woman in Miami who would do my entire set verbatim?
17:58And honestly, before my lift, she might have looked better than me too.
18:02But she couldn't recreate my stage presence.
18:04And neither can a computer.
18:06You're missing the point.
18:07Okay, maybe you will be fine, but there are a ton of people who won't be.
18:11Okay, this is causing a cataclysmic reshaping of our society that's going to doom us.
18:15Honey, please, please, it's 9 a.m.
18:18Okay, well, I'm sorry.
18:19I cannot in good conscience participate in this, so if you use any of my work, I will sue you.
18:24On what grounds?
18:25The one cool thing about the American legal system is that I can sue you even if I have no
18:29legal standing.
18:30I learned that from you.
18:33Okay, fine.
18:34I will just do this deal with material I've written without you.
18:38Now, can we please stop talking about this and go downstairs and work?
18:42No.
18:43I'm going to go outside and look at a tree.
18:46Maybe you could teach her toaster to paint.
18:58If you were a letter, what letter would you be?
19:00Hmm, eh?
19:01You would definitely be an S. Unpredictable.
19:04All right, then there we go.
19:05Three Long Island iced teas.
19:07Oh, no, thank you, but Long Island's make me sad.
19:10What?
19:11They make you horny.
19:12Okay, how would you even know that?
19:14Everybody at tennis camp knew that.
19:16You were trying to dance with everyone.
19:17Okay.
19:17We all talked about it.
19:18But it's on now.
19:19That's awesome.
19:19Okay.
19:20Cheers to us.
19:21Cheers, indeed.
19:22Okay, Bruno.
19:23I think we need to talk about the specifics of the diva-licious residency.
19:29Residence.
19:29Residence.
19:30See.
19:31What is your earliest availability?
19:33And maybe we could talk about an on-sale day.
19:36We can get your poster done.
19:37Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
19:38You're making me, like, nervous, all right?
19:40Like...
19:40No, don't be nervous.
19:41Oh, come on, man.
19:43What is that voice?
19:44Don't be nervous.
19:45I said I don't want to talk business.
19:46It's boring.
19:47I want to have fun.
19:48Okay, let's play a drinking game, get to know each other better.
19:51Get a little bit more comfortable.
19:53I'm up for a drinking game at all times.
19:55What do you got?
19:55So, me and my besties play a game where you go around in a circle and you say the worst
20:00thing that you've ever done.
20:02And if your worst thing is worse than theirs, you gotta do a drink.
20:06Jimmy, you go first.
20:07Oh, no.
20:08Let's play flip-flop.
20:09Do it!
20:10Do it!
20:10Do it!
20:12Okay, okay.
20:13Okay, this is actually bad.
20:15We got a PR box of free Sephora products for a client.
20:20And I took them back to Sephora and returned them for store credit.
20:23No!
20:24I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I've been carrying that around.
20:27It's not how I normally am.
20:29But I was just out of this beard lube.
20:30I have this particular kind of cream that I shaved with and I needed to get it.
20:33Okay.
20:34So, Bruno, your turn.
20:36Yeah, no, I'm good.
20:37I'm good.
20:37Oh, come on.
20:38I just saw my Sephora thing.
20:39So, now I kind of feel weird.
20:40Okay, fine.
20:40I'll go, I'll go.
20:41I gotta do it.
20:42Okay.
20:43The worst thing every day was I poked folded in my dad's condoms because I wanted a sister.
20:48And then he used those condoms with his mistress and then got her pregnant.
20:52And she wanted to keep it.
20:53But it ended up being a boy.
20:54So, now we have like a creepy half-brother who no one talks to at events.
20:57Oh, I really love Robert.
20:58I try to make her feel welcome whenever I see him.
21:00He stinks.
21:01Okay, Bruno, now that you know the role, your turn.
21:03What's the worst thing you've ever done?
21:08It was six years ago this coming August.
21:12What was?
21:14I was leaving my exes.
21:16And we just got in one of these fights that we could get into all the time where we were
21:22just saying awful fucking shit to each other, man.
21:24Just trying our hardest to hurt one another.
21:29I was driving.
21:31I was so pissed off.
21:32And I couldn't see his face.
21:35And he was just there.
21:37He was just suddenly there out of nowhere.
21:38And I slammed on the brakes.
21:40I slammed on the brakes.
21:41And it was too late, man.
21:45It was too late.
21:49That sound.
21:50That sound.
21:51I can hear it all the time.
21:53I hear it when I try to sleep.
21:54It's like it haunts me.
21:58He was dead.
22:02And what would driving into the hospital have done?
22:04He was gone.
22:06So I just drove and drove.
22:08Just kept...
22:13You gotta turn yourself in.
22:15What?
22:16Bruno, think about the family.
22:18That poor family.
22:20But they need closure.
22:23Bruno, you can't keep living like this, okay?
22:25It's eating you alive.
22:26You're killing yourself.
22:26Look at you.
22:27You're on the road all the time.
22:28You're drinking way too much.
22:29You're self-medicating.
22:30You're totally scaring us.
22:32You never want to talk about work.
22:33It's weird.
22:34The only way through is out.
22:36You gotta turn yourself in, brother.
22:41You're right.
22:42I can't live this fucking lie anymore.
22:44What the fuck, man?
22:46I'll call 911, I guess.
22:48Yeah.
22:52Hello.
22:53I am Kayla Schaefer,
22:56and I am reporting a murder
22:58that my friend did.
23:08Graham, hello.
23:10Hey.
23:11Come on.
23:12Hello, gorgeous.
23:13Oh, nice to see you again.
23:14Mm-hmm.
23:15Mwah.
23:16You hungry?
23:17You want a piggy?
23:19Oh, I think I'll pass.
23:20Okay.
23:21Hey, thanks for meeting me here.
23:23Yeah, yeah.
23:24You a big soccer fan?
23:25Yeah.
23:26I own that French team right there
23:28in the blue unis.
23:30I'd be there right now,
23:31but it's a lot more important to me
23:33to lock down this deal with you.
23:35Well, I'll tell you what.
23:36Once my casino is open,
23:38I'll make sure you have your own seat
23:39at the Divas Sportsbook Lounge.
23:41Okay.
23:42So you're in?
23:43My lawyers looked over the terms
23:45and they gave it the okay.
23:46Ah!
23:47Yes!
23:48Eulogies everywhere
23:49just got a whole lot fucking funnier.
23:51You are going to make so many people funny.
23:54Oh, well.
23:54And I bet pretty soon
23:56you're going to be using it
23:57to write your own material.
23:58Oh, well, I doubt that.
24:00Well, you are.
24:02Because it's going to be so good
24:03you're going to want to.
24:04No, I don't think so.
24:06Yes, you will.
24:08Because everyone's going to be using it.
24:09So if you want to keep up
24:10with the other comedians,
24:11you're going to have to.
24:12But I want to write the jokes.
24:13I like doing the work.
24:14So you're telling me
24:16that if you got stuck on a punchline
24:17and you had a tool at your disposal
24:19to help you with that,
24:20you wouldn't use it?
24:21Absolutely not.
24:22There's no shortcut.
24:23Yeah, but here's the thing.
24:25There is.
24:26I created it.
24:27You're welcome.
24:28Well, okay, fine.
24:29Yes, there is.
24:30But using that shortcut
24:32then makes it something else.
24:33It makes it not art.
24:34Um, I'm sorry,
24:35but your joke about laser hair removal
24:37is art?
24:40Okay, you're right.
24:41It's pretentious to call it art.
24:43But that laser hair removal joke
24:45is something I arrived at
24:47after trying a million other versions.
24:49Every time that joke didn't work,
24:50not only did I make it better,
24:52but it made me a comedian.
24:53Because to become one,
24:54you have to do it and fail
24:55and do it and fail
24:57over and over and over
24:58until you figure out who you are.
25:01Lady, stop squawking at me.
25:02All I'm trying to do
25:04is make your life easier.
25:07But it shouldn't be.
25:09Why are you trying to optimize
25:10the creative process?
25:11I mean, that's one of the things
25:12we've actually figured out.
25:13We're good.
25:13You know, we have been
25:14ever since cavemen
25:15told stories about bears.
25:16I mean, fix the ozone.
25:18Come up with a cure for cancer.
25:19Oh my God, cancer again.
25:20Look, it sounds a little bit like
25:22you don't really respect quick scribble.
25:24I respect your business acumen.
25:25I do, I do.
25:26But art is only art
25:27because of the humanity behind it.
25:28Plenty of artists
25:29are already using it.
25:30Well, fine, that's a right.
25:32Doesn't mean I have to respect them.
25:33Oh, excuse me.
25:35I didn't know Shakespeare had a beehive.
25:39Oh, okay, that was good.
25:40That was good.
25:41See, you came up with that
25:42all by yourself.
25:43Aren't you proud?
25:46Yeah, this is clearly
25:47not going to work.
25:47Yeah.
25:48Take care.
25:48Yes, not.
25:49Okay, you take care too.
25:51You know what, lady?
25:52I can get any comic
25:53I want to train my AI.
25:55Kill Tony said he'd do it for free.
25:57Yeah, you do that.
25:59By the way,
25:59one of your guys
26:00just scored a known goal.
26:01Oh, fuck.
26:03Fuck.
26:05What?
26:07Just watch the game.
26:10Come on, baby.
26:14You know I need you.
26:18What are you doing out here?
26:22Listening to the crickets
26:23while I write.
26:24Watching the stars.
26:26Meeting with nature.
26:27You know,
26:27while I still can.
26:33Did you get your blood money?
26:36No.
26:38I decided against it.
26:40You're serious?
26:42Yes.
26:43Yes!
26:44Woo!
26:45Score one for the good guys.
26:47I am so glad
26:48I got through to you.
26:49No, no,
26:50this was an amoral decision
26:51based on a nerd
26:52being a loser to me.
26:54Yeah, if you say so.
26:55Okay?
26:55Please!
26:56This was not all you.
26:58If I was that susceptible
26:59to your influence,
27:00I would have become a communist
27:01the moment you first
27:02darkened my doorstep.
27:04Whatever.
27:04Oh, God.
27:09All right.
27:10Now that that's behind us.
27:11Let's see if we can tackle
27:12the real existential problem
27:14of our time.
27:15Hmm.
27:15This goddamn opening joke.
27:17Oh, yeah.
27:18I've been, uh,
27:19been working on a couple things.
27:21Check that out.
27:28Okay.
27:29Guess I didn't figure it out.
27:31Well, no, but...
27:33That's okay.
27:33We will.
27:35Or we won't.
27:36But at least it'll be on us.
27:39Hell yeah.
27:41Yeah.
27:43I've got to be honest.
27:44I haven't written anything
27:44in, like, 30 minutes.
27:45I accidentally dropped
27:46my pen in the pond.
27:50But I've been thinking.
27:57Housekeeping.
28:04Oh, God.
28:07Oh, my God!
28:10Oh, my God!
28:11Where are my clothes?
28:12Where are my clothes?
28:13I'm sorry.
28:14Did we have sex?
28:15No!
28:15Then why am I naked?
28:16Oh, my God.
28:17Did Kayla and I have sex?
28:18Who's Kayla?
28:19My partner.
28:20Then wouldn't it be okay
28:21if you had sex?
28:22No!
28:22She's my business partner.
28:24This is a work trip.
28:25What is going on?
28:26Did you guys have sex?
28:28No!
28:29Okay, well, he's naked.
28:30You've got to give him privacy.
28:31Oh.
28:32Come on.
28:33It's so weird.
28:34What is up for this hotel?
28:36Kayla,
28:37what happened last night?
28:38Well, we convinced Bruno
28:40to turn himself in
28:41after a hit-and-run.
28:42That was crazy.
28:43God, fuck.
28:44That's right.
28:44And then what?
28:45And then the last Long Island
28:47really got you.
28:47You could barely walk.
28:49It's kind of sweet
28:49seeing you so vulnerable like that.
28:52Then we found out
28:52that the hotel has bedbugs.
28:54Bedbugs?
28:55Oh!
28:55Oh, my God!
28:56I know.
28:57I was like,
28:57bedbugs are real?
28:59We freaked out.
29:00We burned all our clothes.
29:01You burned our clothes?
29:03We burned our clothes.
29:05You were the one
29:05that lit the first match, honey.
29:06Why did you let me sleep here
29:08if there are bedbugs?
29:09What?
29:09You?
29:10I don't let you do anything.
29:12I'm not in charge
29:12of anyone's actions
29:13but my own.
29:15I am really getting it.
29:17Oh, my God.
29:18No wonder you were so itchy.
29:19Of course there were bedbugs.
29:20Anyways,
29:20I got us new clothes
29:21at Sassafras.
29:23What the fuck is Sassafras?
29:25It's a teen clothing store
29:26for girls.
29:27It's the only place
29:28that was open.
29:28They have some really
29:29cute stuff in there.
29:30It's also so important
29:32for girls in the community
29:33to have a place
29:33they can go
29:34and get cute stuff
29:35that doesn't sexualize them.
29:37I don't care.
29:37Good for them.
29:38You should care.
29:39I talked to Mandy about it.
29:40Who the fuck is Mandy
29:41and why are we talking about her?
29:42The owner of Sassafras.
29:43She is a small business owner
29:45and you just yelled about her.
29:46Okay, I'm sure she's lovely.
29:47I just want to get dressed.
29:48This is highly inappropriate, Kayla.
29:49Here, here's your clothes.
29:52Put it on.
29:54Last time I ever
29:54helped you with anything.
29:56Just kidding.
29:58Hurry up!
29:59We're going to miss the flight!
30:02Oh my God.
30:07Are you sure
30:07we're walking the right way?
30:08I think so.
30:09Where the F is it?
30:10I swear I parked here.
30:12We've been walking forever
30:13and these stupid sugar floaties
30:14are giving me horrible blisters.
30:15Get over it.
30:16You look good.
30:19Oh no, it's Debra.
30:21I'm going to have to tell her
30:22about Bruno.
30:23Hey!
30:24Hey!
30:24I know you've been working
30:25on getting us Bruno Fox
30:27for the diva,
30:27but I've changed my mind.
30:29Oh no, why?
30:31We're scaling way back.
30:34I selflessly have given up
30:35on the idea of erecting
30:36a giant statue of myself.
30:38It's a tragedy.
30:39Jimmy, you should have seen the breasts.
30:41And we are scrapping
30:42the whole idea
30:43of a big theater entirely.
30:45Instead, it's going to be
30:45a proper comedy club.
30:47You know, intimate, old school.
30:48You know, a place
30:49where emerging comics
30:50have a chance
30:50to hone their voices.
30:52I actually think
30:53that's really cool.
30:54Great.
30:54I hope you didn't go
30:55to any trouble.
30:56Oh, no.
30:58No trouble at all.
30:59Cut.
30:59Okay, let's talk soon.
31:00Bye.
31:02Well, she doesn't want Bruno,
31:03so I guess we got bedbugs
31:05for nothing.
31:06Oh, I think that's it.
31:07Yes!
31:08Thank God.
31:10My car!
31:11Hey!
31:12Wait, wait, wait!
31:13We paid for parking.
31:14Wait!
31:15Daddy?
31:16What the hell?
31:18My God,
31:18have you no dignity?
31:20Cover up!
31:21Uh, I am covered.
31:22It's a full blouse.
31:23I'm talking to Jimmy.
31:24You look like
31:24two Hannah Montanas.
31:26Hannah Montana
31:26was two people
31:27you fucking moron.
31:28We got bedbugs
31:30and we had to go
31:30to Sassafras.
31:31What about the chokers?
31:32They complete the look.
31:33Apparently,
31:33they complete the look.
31:34Hmm.
31:36I'm taking your Porsche
31:37back, Kayla.
31:37What?
31:38You can't take back
31:39a 31st birthday gift,
31:40you crazy psycho!
31:41See, I heard what you did.
31:42You talked Bruno
31:43into turning himself in.
31:45Why didn't you
31:46just leverage it?
31:47Offer to keep his secret
31:48if you did your stupid
31:49fucking residency.
31:50It's about closure
31:51for the family!
31:52Well, losing your car
31:53is just the beginning, Kayla.
31:56You see,
31:56our most valuable asset,
31:57it's not our money.
31:59It is the Schaefer family name
32:00and you are sullying it.
32:02Whatever.
32:03Who cares?
32:04I'm not paying
32:05for your bullshit anymore.
32:06Your trust fund's gone.
32:08Wait, what?
32:09And say goodbye
32:10to your fancy office.
32:11Good luck running
32:12your pathetic
32:12fucking company now.
32:15Let's go!
32:23Fuck!
32:25I don't know where my soul is
32:30I don't know where my home is
32:33And baby,
32:34all I need for you
32:34to know is
32:35I don't know where my soul is
32:40I don't know where my home is
32:43And I need for you to know
32:44Because your faith in me
32:46brings me to tears
32:49Even after all these years
32:53And it pains me so much
32:57to tell
32:58That you don't know me that way
33:03And though my love is rare
33:09Though my love is true
33:15I don't know where my soul is
33:21I don't know where my home is
33:24And baby, all I need for you
33:25to know is
33:28I don't know where my soul is
33:31I don't know where my home is
33:34And baby, all I need for you
33:36I don't know where my soul is
33:38I don't know where my soul is
33:40And I買
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