- 25 minutes ago
Hacks Season 5 Episode 4
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TVTranscript
00:01So, I know you haven't seen me in a while.
00:03When Hollywood wants to get rid of a woman, they just say she was difficult.
00:07But a man gets away with having sex with his stepdaughter because, well, that's just his process.
00:11Am I right, y'all?
00:16The reports of my death were fake news.
00:20As was Us Weekly every time they published, I didn't wear it better, y'all.
00:24Y'all again. What is that?
00:30All right. Let's get to the Persecution Pyramid!
00:38Every woman who has ever done something brave or unexpected is either called crazy, shot in the face, or even
00:43worse,
00:44ported by a contract she didn't read closely, you know.
00:48Oh, I'm so sorry. Hey, you.
00:53I'm just in a meeting. All right, let's take a break.
00:59So, yeah, maybe we want to rethink the Persecution Pyramid and also the, um, just all of it, I think.
01:04No, it's the crowd. I mean, they've worked for me. I paid people to be here.
01:08It's a completely different dynamic than at a comedy club.
01:11Besides, Josefina's in a mood because I don't like her new water filter.
01:14Totally. I think maybe we want to focus on, like, what's been funny about the past few years,
01:18and then we can sort of work in the systematic oppression of it all, if we must.
01:23I'm going to get to the funny, but if comedy says something, it's supposed to make you uncomfortable.
01:27I mean, you're the one who always says that it doesn't have to be a lap a minute.
01:29No, I know, but it's kind of a Smith College commencement address at the moment.
01:34So sorry about that. That was the Paley Center.
01:36Unfortunately, they're not willing to move to the Who's Making Dinner event.
01:39Do they know that I won't be able to speak at it because of the gag order?
01:42Yes, but they're adamant that the anniversary event should take place on the anniversary and not, you know, nine months
01:46later.
01:48Oh. People are so dramatic about time.
01:51Why can't they just be more flexible about dates? You know, like I am, about my birthday.
01:54Not everybody is as easy to work with as you are.
01:56But look, they still want you to attend, you know, and pose for some photos.
01:59And I can circle back with your lawyer.
02:01Maybe you learning sign language is a fun to pull.
02:03Oh. I know, a little.
02:04Oh.
02:06Okay.
02:06Okay. I'm sorry.
02:08It's not nice.
02:10I think she's hangry.
02:11Always.
02:11She doesn't eat.
02:12Yeah.
02:13But you, I have really good news for her.
02:15Oh.
02:16So, remember Jessica Duncan, the exec who made my bath?
02:18Yeah.
02:18Well, she got a huge new job.
02:20And guess what?
02:21What?
02:21She loved your script.
02:23You know what?
02:24She is one of the good ones.
02:25I have always liked her.
02:26Well, she wants to sit down with you.
02:27And I'm going to schedule a meeting when you're in town for the Who's Making Dinner event.
02:30Oh, my God.
02:30You are the best in the biz.
02:31I'm flailing, but thank you.
02:33This thing on?
02:34Because I got a couple things to get off my chest, too.
02:37First up, these Russians.
02:38And I'm not talking about the dolls.
02:40Oh, we're ready.
02:41Silence, we went into the water that we're talking about.
02:44Oh, my God.
02:47Make my lips bigger.
02:49Bigger.
02:51Whoa.
02:52We have any yard sale?
02:53Oh, the Paley Center wants some memorabilia and photos for the Who's Making Dinner exhibition.
02:58How's this?
02:59That's good.
03:00I'd give Frank some dark circles and a big, fat double chin.
03:03Cloning now.
03:04What are you doing?
03:06We're...
03:06What'd you call it?
03:07We're yassifying Deborah.
03:09And we're de-yassifying Frank.
03:11I mean, if I can't speak at the event honoring my show, the least I can do is make my
03:16nasty, bastard-ass, cheating ex-husband look like shit.
03:19Not sure a media preservation nonprofit's gonna love that.
03:23I'm just giving them options.
03:25Apparently, Kathy already sent some photos over.
03:28She's not gonna be there.
03:29Thank God.
03:30Is this the original pilot script?
03:34Yeah.
03:36I'm sorry, how the hell did he get sole creator credit?
03:41We wrote the pilot together, and then he said,
03:44Oh, Deb, I'm just gonna put my name on this first one, and then you can put yours on the
03:48second one.
03:49I was so naive, I didn't know that whoever writes the first episode from then on is considered the creator.
03:55Right.
03:56He said it was an innocent mistake, but he knew what he was doing.
04:00He never wanted me to get any credit.
04:03Now I have another bastard trying to erase me.
04:06That's why my MSG show has to be historic.
04:09Has to be record-breaking.
04:11How's this?
04:14Before and after.
04:16Amazing.
04:16That is exactly how I remember it.
04:18Wow.
04:19Oh, you think that's good?
04:20Wait till you see what she did to my grandson.
04:21Ha.
04:23No.
04:23Isn't he adorable?
04:24You guys can't Photoshop a baby.
04:26Yes, you can.
04:27Oh.
04:28My God.
04:29Did you snatch his waist?
04:30Oh, yes.
04:31He's so fit.
04:40I just have to say, I am so proud of the work we did together on Debra's special.
04:47I was so pissed when I saw that they took it down.
04:50It was not their fuckers.
04:52No, we, yeah, we were devastated.
04:53And what Bob Lipka did to my girl Debra?
04:56I mean, that is bullshit.
04:58Oh, completely agree.
04:59Guillotine.
05:00Thank fucking...
05:02I don't work there anymore.
05:03Mm-hmm.
05:04Oh, okay.
05:05All right.
05:05Vibe shift.
05:06Yes.
05:07Mall girl.
05:08Yeah.
05:08You know, Jimmy said that I would like her script.
05:11I didn't.
05:13I loved it!
05:17That is so nice.
05:18A modern-day retelling of The Wizard of Oz set in a 90s mall, literally written for
05:25me.
05:26It's so smart.
05:31You know, see, I loved when the girl gets her ears pierced and it gets infected, and then
05:35the Hot Topic goths have to take her to the hospital, my heart broke for her.
05:41Oh, that is...
05:42That's really nice to hear.
05:43No, it's so nuanced.
05:46It's so specific.
05:48Oh, it's so original.
05:50So, obviously, we can never make it.
05:53Oh.
05:54Yeah.
05:55But what else you got?
05:57That was all that I was kind of doing at the...
06:00At the mom.
06:01At the mom mall.
06:02Well, I really want your next TV show.
06:05So, here's what I'm going to do.
06:07Sight unseen, whatever you got, I will buy a cash advance blind script deal.
06:11Oh, my God.
06:11Really?
06:12Yeah.
06:13Could, I mean, could mall girl be a series?
06:16No.
06:17No.
06:17So, something you're more passionate about, right, but also hits the young demo?
06:21Okay.
06:22Diverse, of course.
06:23Queer.
06:24Queer counts.
06:25Yes.
06:26I see you, girl.
06:27Agile Beauty AIQ+.
06:28Not too political.
06:29Not too poor.
06:31Hard funny.
06:32Okay.
06:33But passion first.
06:34Well, I mean, look, it's, I think for me, finding an idea that I'm immediately passionate
06:39about.
06:39Right, right.
06:40Easy as pot.
06:41Yeah.
06:41But no limited series.
06:43Yeah.
06:43Limited series, bad.
06:44Yes.
06:45Bad.
06:46Bad.
06:46Bad.
06:47Yeah.
06:48That should be easy.
06:54Just because I am not the prettiest girl you ever did see.
07:02And even if I don't have such a wonderful personality...
07:09So, she didn't start as a stand-up?
07:11No.
07:12She starred in the show with her husband, and, um, you know, she got famous from the sitcom.
07:15Ah, I mean, I think she's cuter, but I also think she's hotter now.
07:18I like the one with a little patina on them, eh?
07:20Oh, yeah.
07:21Jimmy.
07:23Beth.
07:24Oh, hi.
07:24Hi.
07:25It's so nice to finally meet you in person.
07:26Wow.
07:29Um, this is, uh, Kayla and Randy.
07:31Hi.
07:31Welcome to Paley Fest.
07:33Thanks for having us.
07:33Yeah.
07:34I had my bat mitzvah here.
07:35I'm not Jewish, but the theme was out of Paris.
07:37Yeah, it was, uh, great bat mitzvah.
07:39Um, anyway, thank you again for all your help.
07:40I know there was a lot of back and forth with all the Deborah stuff.
07:43It is literally my pleasure, and I actually remembered that you are a coffee snob.
07:47Guilty.
07:48So I just got you a cold brew.
07:50That is so nice.
07:52Well, cold brew is like sex, even when it's bad.
07:56I'm grateful.
07:57So true.
07:58Um, mm-hmm.
08:00Yeah.
08:01No, but seriously, the coffee here is just dog shit.
08:03But welcome to the non-profit world.
08:05You know what I mean?
08:05I'm like, take me with you, please.
08:09Wish we could, you know?
08:10We are downsizing.
08:11God, stop.
08:12I'm talking to someone.
08:14I have to take this, but I will find you in a little bit.
08:16Okay, cool.
08:18Bye.
08:18Thank you again.
08:19Cheers.
08:20Yeah.
08:23Wow.
08:24What is going on?
08:26What?
08:26You're being sexual at work.
08:29You're never like that.
08:30I mean, it was like watching two jail rats ratting up the bathroom.
08:33What are you talking about?
08:34You were laughing at her voices.
08:36You were like, ah-ha-ha-ha.
08:37What?
08:38We were just being-
08:38That wasn't even the best voice.
08:39I mean, it was kind of funny, but not anything like my Jamaican accent.
08:42We retired your Jamaican accent after what happened with that waiter.
08:44And I was just being nice.
08:45We've been emailing each other for months, you know?
08:47Your email's first base.
08:48I mean, the last person I emailed, we ended up fucking Jimmy.
08:51Oh my God, the HVAC guy?
08:53You know, exterminator.
08:55You slept with Adnan?
08:56Yeah.
08:57Whatever.
08:57My emails were strictly professional.
08:59Yeah, I don't know.
09:00I was on those emails, boss, and you were using a lot of exclamation marks.
09:04Which, for a man, is the equivalent of exposing his genitals.
09:07Whatever.
09:08I was just being friendly.
09:09Oh yeah?
09:10Is it friendly to have your tits out?
09:11Button up, slut.
09:13She wants you to lay that pipe down, I'm telling you.
09:16You really think so?
09:17I mean, that's flattering.
09:17I never get cruised, but...
09:19She was wearing a wedding ring.
09:20She's married.
09:21Who cares?
09:21You never had sex with a married person?
09:23Not that I know of.
09:24Have you?
09:25Yeah, I just told you.
09:26Adnan.
09:27Who cares?
09:28It's L.A.
09:28I mean, 90% of the marriages are open, and the other 10% heading for divorce.
09:32Because they tried being open.
09:33Hmm.
09:33Not my fault.
09:34All right.
09:34I think you two are really over-exaggerating.
09:36Okay?
09:37Hmm.
09:38We'll see what happens.
09:40Enjoy your coffee and honey on this.
09:41They can keep together.
09:43Yeah, so now I just have to come up with a premise for a show.
09:46And you know what's always been interesting to me?
09:48The woman in urgent care who comes in before the doc,
09:52she's not a nurse.
09:53You know, she's something else.
09:55Like, what if I told her story?
09:57Very compelling.
09:58I know, right?
10:01Oh, my God.
10:03Wow.
10:04You know, it's so cool that something you made so long ago
10:08is being celebrated like this.
10:10Well, it endured because it was important.
10:11It said something.
10:12That's what I've been saying.
10:13I want my MSG show to do.
10:15Totally.
10:15Totally.
10:24The oven line, that was so good.
10:26I liked it.
10:27Yeah, you wrote it too, right?
10:29Did I write that one?
10:30No, you did.
10:31Oh, yeah, I did.
10:32Okay.
10:34Check out this hottie.
10:38Oh, yeah, Gino.
10:40He was wonderful.
10:42He died of AIDS.
10:43He was so young.
10:45Can you imagine being me in this situation?
10:46I point to a photo of a hot guy,
10:48and you're like, he died of AIDS?
10:49Just lie to me, you maniac.
10:51But I'm sorry for your loss.
10:55Yeah, stop.
11:02He's like, he's dead,
11:03or there'd be a bullet with his name on it.
11:06Uh-huh.
11:10Where are you going?
11:11I could find a martini with my name on it.
11:18My dentist is such a pervert.
11:20And she's a girl.
11:21Ah.
11:25Shit.
11:26I think you guys are right.
11:27I think that she might be interested.
11:30I'm not going to feel bad for you.
11:31You're basically bragging.
11:32No, I'm not bragging.
11:33Okay, she's coming.
11:33She's coming.
11:34She's coming.
11:34Showtime.
11:36She's here.
11:39Hey.
11:39Hello, Beth.
11:40Um, I reserved a seat for you up front,
11:42next to me.
11:44Oh, wow.
11:45Uh, thank you so much.
11:46But you know what?
11:46I think I'm just going to do my own thing
11:48and bop around.
11:49During the screening?
11:51Mm-hmm.
11:52Because it'll be dark,
11:53so you're going to have to
11:54climb over the people sitting down.
11:56He gets restless leg syndrome
11:58in the middle of the day.
11:59Yeah, yeah.
11:59I think it's good to just keep it moving,
12:01you know, get my steps in,
12:02get the circulation going.
12:04Sorry.
12:04Oh, don't step on that.
12:05Sorry.
12:06Oh, oh, oh.
12:07Oh, jeez.
12:08Oh, my God.
12:08I'm so sorry.
12:09Oh, oh, oh.
12:10She ran right into me.
12:11She came out of nowhere.
12:12Can people just give her some space?
12:13She's in.
12:14Give her a little bit of space.
12:15Are you seeing this?
12:16My pelvis.
12:16Come on, come on.
12:17Jimmy, are you there?
12:18Can you hear my hand?
12:18Wait, what?
12:19My pelvis.
12:20Look, she's fine.
12:21She's fine.
12:23Perfect.
12:24Kittle, one martini,
12:25two all those little dirt.
12:36Thanks, Marsha.
12:38Isn't it crazy?
12:40And now it's just Friday, right?
12:42So imagine when I did standard it.
12:44It's just a lot.
12:45Yeah.
12:45If you were there,
12:46you could have protected me.
12:47Here's your martini, ma'am.
12:50Deborah, Eddie fucking Bean is here.
12:52He's like my favorite tractor
12:53from when I was a kid.
12:55This is a little before your time, no?
12:57No.
12:58What are you talking about?
12:58I grew up on Nick at Night.
13:00Bewitched was the closest thing
13:01we had to drag race back then.
13:02Well, I'll introduce you.
13:03He's a doll.
13:05Eddie.
13:06Excuse me.
13:07Wow.
13:07Debbie, wow.
13:08I didn't know you were going to be here.
13:09Of course.
13:10I wouldn't miss it.
13:11Hi.
13:12So glad to see you.
13:13This is Ava.
13:14Ava Daniels, Eddie Bean.
13:15How's it going?
13:16I'm such a huge fan.
13:17My Tinder bio used to be your quote
13:19about the power of story.
13:20I didn't meet my soulmate,
13:22but a bunch of people did ask me
13:23to read their scripts,
13:24and that's something.
13:25Sure.
13:26Eddie directed the pilot
13:27of Who's Making Dinner.
13:28God, I've watched my whole career.
13:29So basically,
13:30you owe me 10% of everything you've got.
13:32Yeah.
13:32Oh, Deb.
13:34Glad to see you still have
13:35your sense of humor.
13:36I'm just glad to see you're out.
13:39I heard about the breakdown.
13:42And I have a friend
13:43who has the mental troubles.
13:45It's rough stuff.
13:47Thank you, Eddie.
13:48It means a lot.
13:50Oh, did you hear
13:51they're going to show
13:52some new footage of Frank tonight?
13:54Excuse me?
13:54Yeah, an unaired interview.
13:59I'm so glad Frank's been allowed to speak.
14:01Wish I could say the same
14:02for Joan of Arc.
14:04She's doing a lot of research
14:06on Joan of Arc right now
14:07for comedy.
14:10Hmm.
14:11Funny.
14:13Hi, Deb.
14:15Take care.
14:18Yeah.
14:20I always hated that guy.
14:21Yeah.
14:21He thinks I have mental problems.
14:23He is clearly in cognitive decline.
14:25Yeah.
14:25And his prostate's probably
14:26the size of a cantaloupe.
14:28Deborah, can we get
14:29some photos with you?
14:30Absolutely.
14:31Great.
14:32Right this way?
14:33What, pastry?
14:34Oh, no, thank you.
14:36I've been pretty weird
14:37with dairy ever since
14:37this guy I dated
14:38sawed me in half.
14:42Hey, can I ask you something?
14:43Um, would you watch a show
14:44about Gator Waiters?
14:45And, like, maybe, like,
14:46every episode takes place
14:47at a different event?
14:48Like Party Down.
14:49Really great show.
14:50Great.
14:53Ideas, ideas.
14:54Something in a dome?
14:55Shit, under the dome.
14:57Everything's been done.
14:58Every single thing.
14:59Can you take a picture
15:00of someone for me?
15:01Oh, sure.
15:01Jimmy.
15:01Oh, hi.
15:03Could I get a photo
15:04of you, too?
15:05Yeah, sure.
15:09Yeah.
15:10Oh, my God.
15:10I cannot wait to get home
15:11and rip off this microthong.
15:13But it's still there.
15:14My fat ass is eating it up.
15:16Okay, Beth.
15:17I think I need to clear the air,
15:19all right?
15:19I've clearly misled you,
15:20and we need to keep
15:21things professional,
15:21because I'm just not in place
15:22for a relationship right now.
15:24I'm married, so...
15:26I know, and I can't do
15:27the open thing, all right?
15:28It's just not for me.
15:28I'm not stigmatizing it.
15:29It's just...
15:30I wouldn't be a good third,
15:31you know?
15:31My needs are too big.
15:32Yeah, I'm not open,
15:33and I'm not interested
15:34in you like that, so...
15:37Oh, well...
15:40Well, good.
15:40I mean, or...
15:41I guess not good,
15:42but I just...
15:43Oh, my God.
15:43This is a little bit inappropriate.
15:45I'm like...
15:45Okay, oh, I'm sorry.
15:46I just was picking up a vibe.
15:48You know, you're being, like,
15:48incredibly nice, and...
15:50It's kind of my job
15:51to be incredibly nice,
15:53you know?
15:53Sure, but your job is really
15:55to coordinate events
15:56that preserve television history,
15:57right?
15:57You don't have to be that nice.
15:58You can just be cordial,
16:00or you can be rude, even,
16:01you know?
16:01Well, I'll certainly keep that in mind
16:03moving forward.
16:04Not a problem.
16:05Okay, great.
16:06Well, I'm glad we talked.
16:07Me, too.
16:08And, um, yeah,
16:10if you need any coffee,
16:11just help yourself
16:11to the crap over there.
16:13Not sure if it's been
16:14sitting all day, but...
16:15Beth, don't...
16:16Don't do that.
16:17Beth!
16:19Not into you, boss.
16:21I know that.
16:21You told me she was into me.
16:23You two were both, like,
16:24she's drooling, boss, you said?
16:25We were sniffing each other
16:26like rats.
16:27What is this compulsive
16:28me for honesty?
16:30I didn't think you were
16:30going to say anything.
16:31That was so weird.
16:32Oh, my God!
16:50Thank you so much.
16:53Wow.
16:53Thank you to the network,
16:55everyone who supported the show
16:56and gave us a chance.
16:57Thank you to Debra Vance.
16:59Debra, I love you.
17:00Thank you to my entire team
17:01at William & Morris, Sheila.
17:03Ladies and gentlemen,
17:05welcome.
17:06Welcome.
17:06We are so proud
17:08to be celebrating
17:08the 50th anniversary
17:10of the groundbreaking sitcom
17:12Who's Making Dinner?
17:16We are so lucky
17:18to have so many writers
17:19and cast here today,
17:21especially the incomparable
17:23Debra Vance.
17:30Hope you're all enjoying
17:31the exhibition.
17:32I want to take a moment
17:32to thank our partner brands.
17:34The arts would be nothing
17:35without you.
17:36Okay, before we get
17:38to our screening,
17:39we have a special announcement.
17:41As of today,
17:43stage 15 on the Warner Brothers lot
17:46where every episode
17:47of Who's Making Dinner
17:48was filmed in front
17:49of a live audience,
17:51in addition to the many
17:52iconic game shows
17:53that Frank went on to produce,
17:54will be officially renamed
17:57the Frank Vance Stage.
18:02Frank Vance will forever
18:04be enshrined
18:05in Hollywood history.
18:07Well, please enjoy
18:08more past saps
18:09courtesy of TJ Maxx
18:10and Duolingo
18:10and we will see you
18:11shortly in the theater.
18:13I can't believe this.
18:15He's upstaging me
18:16even from beyond the grave.
18:18I don't think
18:18he's upstaging you.
18:19They are literally
18:20putting him up on a stage.
18:23Here.
18:27Hey.
18:29I want to introduce
18:30the screening.
18:31If Frank's allowed to speak,
18:31then I want to speak too.
18:33I get that,
18:33but you definitely can't.
18:34They're live streaming it.
18:36Then get them
18:36to turn off the stream.
18:38I thought you said
18:39you had a contact here.
18:42If the people
18:42aren't on the right marks,
18:43then we're fucked.
18:44So if you could just make sure
18:45that doesn't happen,
18:46that would be wonderful.
18:46Excuse me, Beth?
18:49Hello.
18:50Hmm.
18:51Okay.
18:52You mind if I ask you
18:53a really quick favor?
18:53Well, I wouldn't want to give you
18:54the wrong impression, right?
18:56And do any special favors for you?
18:58And I appreciate that.
18:59I respect that.
19:00It's actually, you know what?
19:01It's not for me.
19:01It's for Debra Vance.
19:03Debra would like to speak,
19:04introduce the screening,
19:05and she's legally prohibited
19:06from doing that.
19:07So if you could just
19:07turn off the live stream camera
19:08just briefly,
19:09just while she's up there.
19:10Hmm.
19:11Can't do that.
19:12Please, please.
19:13I am begging you.
19:14The answer's no.
19:16See?
19:16This is why I don't get
19:17into romantic relationships
19:18with work colleagues.
19:19We were not in
19:19a romantic relationship.
19:20Beth, I don't have time
19:21to get into our history
19:22and relitigate this.
19:23All right?
19:23We both know what happened.
19:24Can you just please do it?
19:26No.
19:28Fuck!
19:31You know what?
19:33When you were dating Jimmy,
19:34I really thought
19:35we could be friends.
19:36But now I know
19:37you're just another
19:38selfish blonde, aren't you?
19:40You're a bitch.
19:43Jimmy!
19:46Stop.
19:46Stop looking at that.
19:47I know I'm not on the list.
19:48I'm just going to speak
19:49for a second.
19:49It's okay.
19:49It's okay.
19:50Tell them Debra Vance
19:50said it was okay.
19:52Debra, wait, wait.
19:54I tried,
19:54but they won't turn
19:55the cameras off.
19:56I'm sorry.
19:56Look, even if I look
19:58because people don't see it,
19:59as we've experienced,
19:59someone could just leak it anyway.
20:01I really don't think
20:01you should do this.
20:02I'm not just doing this
20:03for me.
20:04I'm doing this for all women
20:05who have been silenced.
20:10How?
20:12Thank you all so much
20:13for coming tonight.
20:14You know,
20:15we may not have figured out
20:16who's making dinner,
20:17but we figured out
20:17who's getting all the credit.
20:19Frank Vance.
20:21Oh, no, I know.
20:22That's not fair.
20:23I tried to stop it,
20:25but I couldn't.
20:26Frank gave me a lot of credit.
20:28Becky gave me solo credit
20:29for that house fire.
20:31You remember that one, y'all?
20:32Hmm?
20:33Y'all's back.
20:35The only woman
20:36who knows fire
20:36better than I do
20:37is my sister
20:37in the struggle,
20:38Joan of Arc.
20:40I was told not to speak tonight,
20:41but at least Joan
20:42got to scream
20:43when she was burned
20:44at the stake.
20:46Lucky bitch.
20:48Hmm.
20:50Did I ever mention
20:51that Frank's family
20:52had slaves?
20:56Nasty stuff.
21:00Okay, let's roll that clip.
21:11Deborah,
21:12stop sulking.
21:13They won't let you
21:13get a credit card.
21:14You can just use mine.
21:15No.
21:16I'm going to tell them
21:17I'm...
21:20Mr. Danny Vanceatore.
21:25That's funny.
21:25I always thought
21:26I'd be the one
21:26who's water broke.
21:28Deborah,
21:28why are you
21:29dressed like a man?
21:30Well,
21:30let the bank
21:31won't let a woman
21:31open a credit card
21:32because it doesn't
21:32see me as a full person.
21:34You're going to force them?
21:35How about that?
21:36Not even five minutes
21:37being a man
21:37and already I'm forcing
21:38people against their will.
21:40Hmm.
21:41Yeah,
21:41because we said
21:42you need four roommates
21:43to afford those hours.
21:44Yeah.
21:44You remember roommates?
21:46No,
21:46I actually have roommates.
21:47I have to live alone
21:47because I have bathroom stuff.
21:50Is that an idea
21:51for a show?
21:52Bathroom stuff?
21:53Like someone
21:53who lives alone?
21:54No, it's sad.
21:55No.
21:55No, it's something
21:56based on this
21:57where like,
21:58I don't know,
21:59where like their grandkid
22:01inherits this house
22:02and it has a bunch
22:02of roommates.
22:03It's about like
22:04chosen family
22:04that sort of thing.
22:06You know,
22:06reboots are really sellable.
22:08Existing IP
22:09is very, very good.
22:10It could actually
22:10be about something,
22:12you know?
22:12It could be grappling
22:12with the fact
22:13that like our generation
22:14is like never going
22:15to find the success
22:16that our parents found.
22:16Like what does
22:17that success mean?
22:18And like how do
22:18we redefine it?
22:19You know what I mean?
22:20Like community building,
22:21like downward mobility.
22:22Yeah, but funny.
22:24Yeah.
22:24I think that's really good.
22:26I think if you can do
22:26a read with us
22:27about something,
22:28that could be excellent.
22:29You should definitely
22:29blush it out
22:30and pitch it to Jessica.
22:32Deborah doesn't have
22:32the rights though.
22:33That's okay.
22:34I'll look into it.
22:35Okay.
22:36Okay.
22:37I like that.
22:38I think it's good.
22:39So do you need
22:40something, Gina,
22:40or?
22:40I got myself in a mess.
22:46Frank, thank you
22:46so much for sitting
22:47with us.
22:54Well, you know,
22:59we weren't trying
23:00to be groundbreaking.
23:02We were making a show
23:04about our relationship.
23:07And the only reason
23:09people even paid
23:10attention to it
23:11was because
23:12it was funny.
23:13And you two
23:14had never worked
23:14in TV before.
23:15So how did you know
23:16that what you were
23:17making was funny?
23:19Because of Deborah.
23:23Deborah was
23:24the funny one.
23:28She was always
23:30the funniest person
23:33in any room.
23:40And as you transitioned
23:42into producing game shows,
23:43what was your inspiration
23:45for...
24:00Hey.
24:04You okay?
24:07No.
24:08Yeah.
24:10Because you bombed super hard.
24:12It's rough.
24:12No.
24:16That's what Frank said.
24:20But he said
24:21you were the funny one.
24:22I feel like that would
24:22be nice to hear, no?
24:24It was.
24:25That's the problem.
24:30It's been 50 fucking years.
24:34Why do I still need
24:35to hear that?
24:38Why should I care
24:39about what some kid
24:40who I met when I was
24:4018 years old
24:41thinks about me?
24:44It's pathetic.
24:47Yeah.
24:48I mean, I get that.
24:51Sometimes there's just
24:52one person
24:53we want to impress.
24:59Yeah.
25:00I have to ask.
25:03What was the mess
25:05that Gina was getting
25:06into in that episode?
25:08Is there chaos?
25:09Did hijinks ensue?
25:11We didn't get to find out.
25:13I'll tell you
25:13if I come.
25:14Oh, gosh.
25:23Oh, my God.
25:24I always want to be like,
25:25you don't have to run.
25:26There's no rush.
25:27I like it when they run.
25:30Deborah Vance.
25:32Yes?
25:33I've got to call.
25:33You violated a restraining
25:34order tonight.
25:35I need you to come with us.
25:36Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
25:38Nope.
25:38You're actually going
25:39to arrest me?
25:39Yep.
25:40I'm sorry.
25:41She wasn't even funny tonight.
25:42That was barely even comedy.
25:44Let's go.
25:45No.
25:45Yes.
25:46No.
25:47Do you know where
25:47I keep my bail cash?
25:49Yeah, in Vegas.
25:50It's underneath the bathroom sink.
25:51But where is it in L.A.?
25:53Deborah, where is it in L.A.?
25:55Call Josefina.
25:57Watch the hair.
25:59What?
26:00Fuck shit.
26:02Yo, Billy.
26:04Pick up the paint.
26:13What are you in for?
26:16Stand-up comedy.
26:18You?
26:20Shoplifting from Macy's.
26:22Oh.
26:23That's really wrong.
26:24What are you going to shop with?
26:25Make a Neiman Marcus.
26:33What are you in for?
26:35I, uh, I got a DUI.
26:37Oh, honey.
26:39I'm going to get you an Uber account.
26:41At least a pair of rollerblades.
26:43Jesus.
26:46You know, it's not my first time in jail.
26:48I mean, I, uh, was in an actor jail once.
26:50I did a Lifetime movie called A Prayer for Mommy's Slippers.
26:54I was guilty for not running when I heard the title.
27:04Hi, I'm here for Diver Vance.
27:08Is that enough?
27:10That's right.
27:11That's right.
27:11I've been cuffed before.
27:12They usually involve some boundaries and a safe word.
27:16Oh, she now is so afraid.
27:19Uber Vance.
27:21Made Vance.
27:22Oh, that's my time.
27:27Oh, hey.
27:28Can I bail out my friends here?
27:30You got the cash.
27:31All right.
27:31What do you need?
27:32What do you need?
27:32$500 for me.
27:33$8,000.
27:33$20,000.
27:34Damn.
27:35What did you do?
27:36I punched a police force.
27:38Oh, Jesus.
27:39Come on.
27:39Let's go.
27:40Come on.
27:40Come on.
27:43So, how was it in there?
27:44Was it bad?
27:46It was amazing.
27:48Really?
27:49Rick was right.
27:50Don't walk.
27:51The only reason that people paid attention to Who's Making Dinner is because it was funny.
27:55But that's what I need to be focusing on with my garden show.
27:58It doesn't need to be important.
28:00It just needs to be funny.
28:03Yeah.
28:04I mean, I feel like I said that, but then a man said it louder, but it's okay.
28:08I'll just repress it and make me funnier in the long run.
28:11I'm sorry I didn't listen.
28:13I have just been consumed by my anger.
28:17I didn't see the forest for the trees.
28:19I mean, what people are going to remember is if I made them laugh.
28:24Yes.
28:24Exactly what I was saying.
28:25Love.
28:26Yes.
28:26Great.
28:27Yeah.
28:28Hey, who's hungry?
28:31Okay, let's go to Norm's.
28:32I want to try out more material.
28:34Okay.
28:35That's a good idea.
28:35Yeah.
28:36You know, it's been a real pleasure sharing an open toilet with you ladies.
28:39Oh, Bethany, I'm a little concerned about the color of your pink.
28:43I know.
28:44Good, good, yeah!
29:25Good, good, yeah!
29:44Good, good, yeah!
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