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7 Days - Season 18 - Episode 01: Thursday February 19, 2026
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00:22Welcome to a brand spanking new season of 7 Days.
00:26I'm your brand spanking same host Jeremy Corbett
00:28and joining me are a brand spanks-wearing collection of comics hellbent
00:32on laughing in the face of most chat-worthy news of the week.
00:36Let's meet them, shall we?
00:37The leader of Team One was the youngest Billy T Award winner ever.
00:40So young, even got invited to Epstein's Island.
00:42It's Rhys Matthewsson.
00:44Thank you, Jeremy.
00:46And it was a pleasure to see you there.
00:50We have got a great Team One this evening.
00:52They are the prom king and queen of GloriaVale 2015.
00:55It's Jack Linton, Rhys, Ben!
01:01Just to be clear, I was there for the catering.
01:04Over on Team Two, feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, get on up.
01:08It's Henwood time.
01:09It's Die Henwood!
01:10Thank you very much, Jim.
01:12Pleasure to be here.
01:14Oh, namaste.
01:15On Team Two tonight,
01:16we've basically got the Thelma and Louise of comedy,
01:19which I suppose makes me the Brad Pitt,
01:21but whatever.
01:22Whatever.
01:22Give it up for Abby Howells and Justine Spurt.
01:28Our first round for 2026 is Newsmakers.
01:32Why mess with perfection?
01:33This is where our comedians must decipher
01:35which news story or clip I provide is all about.
01:37And Team One, you're up first.
01:39Why is this in the news?
01:41I haven't done it once.
01:42You can f*** it.
01:43You haven't done it once?
01:44I haven't done it once.
01:45Oh.
01:46Oh, this is just a regular flat meeting
01:49about how we all need to empty the dishwasher.
01:52Is this razor trying to reapply for All Black's coat?
01:55Oh, I haven't done it!
01:56I've never done it!
01:57I've never done it!
01:58Well, based on the fact that he looks like he's curling,
02:01is it sex?
02:06That is the real answer.
02:08The Winter Olympics is heating up, Jeremy,
02:10because the Canadian Cold Lawn Bowls team
02:12have been accused of cheating.
02:14Yeah, well done, Team One.
02:16The Winter Olympics have been rocked
02:18by a string of controversies, actually.
02:19You had Crotchgate and the ski jumping.
02:21Team Canada, they're accused of cheating in the curling.
02:24And, of course, that Norwegian biathlete
02:26tearfully confessing to cheating on his girlfriend.
02:28Have you seen the biathlon?
02:30I don't know if you've seen it.
02:30That's where they ski and shoot rifles.
02:32Which is all good when they do it,
02:33but when I show up to Snow Planet with a handgun,
02:35I'm apparently not an athlete.
02:40So what's Crotchgate?
02:42Crotchgate is...
02:43So in the big ski jump,
02:44where they do the massive ski jump,
02:46they've been wearing looser uniforms or outfits,
02:50which gives them a more aerodynamic profile
02:51and keeps them in the air longer
02:53and gives them a longer jump.
02:54Why is it to do with the crotches?
02:56Because that's where they've got the extra material.
02:59Everyone has extra material there, don't they?
03:00Not me.
03:02Well, actually, the older you get,
03:04the more perfect you are for the long ski jump,
03:06I'm honest.
03:07Yuck!
03:10I hate to bring this back to curling.
03:13Yeah.
03:14Nice.
03:16Please do.
03:17But isn't curling itself cheating?
03:20Like, shouldn't they do it when the water's not frozen?
03:22That would be more impressive.
03:25Throwing a stone quick enough,
03:26skipping it across the water.
03:30I wouldn't do that on TV.
03:32No, I'm talking about the curling, not the penis.
03:37It annoys me too,
03:38because, you know,
03:38if you know there's going to be an event on the ice that day,
03:41clean it up beforehand.
03:44Yeah!
03:45There's this rush drop in the middle of it,
03:47it's like,
03:47we see you there, guys.
03:51Genuine question.
03:52If you fall and hurt yourself at the Winter Olympics,
03:54instead of putting you on ice,
03:56do they just leave you there?
03:59I like curling.
04:00Curling's a sport for people
04:01who are old enough to enjoy lawn bowls,
04:04but young enough to survive a slip on the ice.
04:06Yeah, that's right.
04:08It's one of those great sports in the Olympics
04:10you watch and think,
04:12I could still make that team.
04:15Yeah.
04:16I feel like there might be a bit more to it.
04:18It's a bit like saying you could do the luge
04:20because you could sit in a toboggan going down an icy trail.
04:22Oh, yeah, the luge looks easy.
04:25Have you seen the one where they lie on top of each other?
04:27Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:28I don't know if you're watching the luge.
04:31Oh, trust me, I am.
04:33How did that conversation start?
04:36Well, like, who's top and bottom?
04:38No, like, take a...
04:39Hey, man, like, you haven't dripped...
04:41Do you want to lie on top of me
04:42at this hoon down the mountain, take a...
04:45And we'll put on real tight clothes and...
04:48You know, just lie on top of me and we'll go real...
04:50It's like a hydra slide, but really dangerous
04:53and we'll be in, like, real tight clothes and just like...
04:57Don't worry if it's hard.
04:58I just rejected it for you.
05:00That's right.
05:01You know, one of the worst mistakes I made as a young man
05:04was the first time I went snowboarding.
05:07We went up the mountain
05:09and there was a photographer there from a snowboarding magazine
05:12and I went up and told him that I was a pro snowboarder.
05:16And he went, sweet ass, hop on the chairlift
05:20and I'll take you to this jump and I'll take a photo of you.
05:23And so I went up there and I could skateboard,
05:26so I knew how to stand on it.
05:27And I just, we're fanging down this hill.
05:30Oh, God.
05:30And he sent me the photo.
05:32I'm completely upside down.
05:34And just before my head smacked into a rock...
05:38Oh.
05:38..and then I got airlifted off the mountain.
05:43The photo is amazing.
05:45Yeah.
05:46All right, any more for that?
05:48We'll move on.
05:49Over to you, team two.
05:50Have a look at this clip.
05:52Tell me what it's all about.
05:53That's a wonderful reputation to have.
05:55I'm very pleased to hear that news.
05:56All right, it does...
05:57There's Bill Clinton with a Kiwi accent, isn't there?
06:00It does.
06:01Wait, has he just...
06:02I know what he's proud of.
06:03He's the guy in the street that puts the bins out first
06:07so everyone knows what bin date is.
06:08Ah.
06:09I like to call them the binfluencer.
06:13God bless that person.
06:14I know, it's certainly not our house.
06:16Oh, is this about Hamilton becoming the new Wellington?
06:21Hamilton becoming the new Wellington.
06:23So, what, like, Hamilton, like...
06:24The new Wellington, like, culture or capital?
06:27No, capital.
06:28Aren't they thinking about...
06:29Am I right?
06:30I'm not even the team captain.
06:30You say it.
06:31OK.
06:36Hamilton is going to become the new capital of New Zealand?
06:41What is wrong with you?
06:43Did you hit your head while skiing?
06:46Yeah, you're right.
06:47Off the back of being voted New Zealand's safest city
06:49from natural disasters,
06:51there have been calls to move the politicians there
06:54and make Hamilton the capital of Aotearoa, New Zealand.
06:57Great way to bring down Hamilton's chlamydia numbers, isn't it?
06:59Bring in thousands of New Zealand's least f***able people.
07:05You're a Wellington boy,
07:06so you're probably a little patriotic for the capital staying.
07:09Well, what are you going to do with a beehive
07:10when your MDs turn into a chemist's warehouse?
07:14It's not bad.
07:15You'd have the Panadol on one level
07:17and then you'd go move up to the stronger drugs
07:20and the top level is your tramadol.
07:21You've got to serve a methadrine up at the top.
07:25I think the problem is,
07:26in government, you want good decision-making.
07:28And I've never made a good decision in Hamilton.
07:31Yeah.
07:32Even the decision to go to Hamilton
07:35was not a good decision.
07:37Do we even need a capital?
07:39I mean, surely we can sort out most of our issue
07:41with, like, a WhatsApp group or something.
07:42Yeah.
07:43I mean, no, they pride themselves
07:45on being the largest inland city, right?
07:47I'm like, is that a brag?
07:49Like, oh, no thanks to the beach and fresh air.
07:53Yeah, but I mean,
07:53Wellington's not really nailing the beach at the moment.
07:573,000 litres of shit.
08:00Wait, so Hamilton's the safest city from natural disasters?
08:03Apparently.
08:04Then why does it look like that?
08:07Not even the natural disasters want to go there.
08:15If they move the politicians there,
08:18they'll have a bloody field day.
08:20Oh.
08:21Oh, God, I hate myself.
08:24I think...
08:26Well, I'm from Dunedin,
08:28so I'll make an advocate for Dunedin being the capital.
08:31I'll say, Dunedin, yeah, it's cold,
08:33but think about this.
08:34We've got the best murders, baby.
08:36The best murders in the country.
08:38Sorry about that.
08:39Not the highest amount of murders,
08:41but the murders we do have are like,
08:42Mamma Mia!
08:45It's now time to turn this fun little game
08:47into a competitive bloodbath by using points.
08:49Team 1,
08:50I'll give you the number of episodes of 7 Days in existence.
08:53445.
08:54You are watching 446.
08:56That's your score.
08:57Well, Team 2,
08:57you get the number of kākāpō in existence,
09:01237,
09:01after Yasmin had one of her eggs hatch on Valentine's Day.
09:05Although it won't officially be added to the tally
09:07until it fledges.
09:08It does mean that Team 1 gets our first star of the night.
09:12Well done.
09:15What are they playing for, I hear you ask?
09:17I do hear you.
09:18Apart from the glory,
09:19it's a prize plucked right from the headlines.
09:22Say ooh or ah
09:23as you take a look at this week's prize.
09:25There it is.
09:26Our tribute to the signature dish
09:28of the Italian Winter Olympics,
09:30the frozen pizza.
09:33The winning team will take home their own leaning tower
09:36to cook from frozen,
09:37munch through like an ice block,
09:39or hurl through their neighbour's window
09:40like an icy frisbee.
09:42Congratulations.
09:43Time now on 7 Days 4,
09:44Yes Minister,
09:45where we pick a politician,
09:46fly them to Auckland,
09:47make them stand over there
09:48until I introduce them.
09:49This week we have the newly named leader
09:51of the party formerly known as TOP,
09:53the Opportunity Party.
09:54Give it up for Q Lai Wong!
10:00Q Lai, welcome to the show.
10:02Q, if I may be so bold,
10:04your job to answer the questions
10:05from these reporters,
10:07in inverted commas,
10:09without saying yes or no.
10:10You got it?
10:10Got it.
10:11Okay, got it.
10:12Take it away.
10:13Q, I worked on Dancing with the Stars
10:16closely with David Seymour.
10:18Do you know any good therapists?
10:22I would love to go on Dancing with the Stars
10:24if you can get me on there.
10:27Q Lai, my friend claims to be a bottom,
10:30can he still vote for you?
10:34We've moved on, we've moved on.
10:36It's just opportunity.
10:37Q, I read that you lived in London,
10:41worked in fashion,
10:42and then met a man from Palmerston North.
10:45Would you agree that sentence goes
10:47from real good to real bad?
10:49And are you putting politics
10:51at the end of that?
10:52Yeah.
10:54Gareth Morgan came on the show,
10:55but I'm okay now.
10:59He was very anti-cats,
11:01and obviously I'm very much into cats.
11:03I also have a husband breaking the rule,
11:05but I'm just wondering,
11:08Q, are our pussies safe in your hands?
11:12Very safe, very safe.
11:14Don't flirt with me.
11:18Oh, I was just going to say,
11:20so your nickname is Q.
11:21Did you shorten it from Q Lai
11:23so that Christopher Luxon
11:24will be able to pronounce it?
11:26Yeah, I thought we needed to mix it up
11:28with all the Chris's, you know?
11:29Yeah, that's nice.
11:29Spice it up a bit, a little bit.
11:31Speaking of names,
11:32so it went from the Opportunities Party
11:34to just opportunity.
11:36Is that because New Zealand's in such a bad place
11:37you can't promise more than one opportunity?
11:42We've really got one opportunity
11:43to save everything,
11:45and this election is it.
11:46Yeah.
11:47Yeah, and on researching you for this,
11:50it was actually really hard
11:50because you don't actually have a Wikipedia.
11:52Did you know that?
11:53I do know that.
11:54But I've made you one.
11:57I don't know if that's creepy,
11:59but I have to make you...
12:00Have you actually?
12:01Yes.
12:01Because we've been looking for someone
12:02to help us with it.
12:03And I have put in here
12:05Wong is close personal friends
12:07with New Zealand comedian Jack Ansett
12:09and thinks he's a crack-up.
12:10Don't say no.
12:12I think that's going to help us
12:14get over the 5%.
12:15Yay!
12:17Just to answer your question, Jack,
12:19yes, that is majorly creepy.
12:22How?
12:23It needed to be done.
12:24It did need to be done,
12:25and our comms team
12:26will be very happy with you.
12:28Well, it's been deleted
12:29because there's some false information on there.
12:33I'll do it again.
12:34I'll do it again.
12:34Wikipedia is like,
12:35Jack Ansett's not crack-up.
12:38He's all right.
12:39Well, as a centrist party,
12:41you've kind of got a coalition on the table
12:43with anyone.
12:44You know,
12:45Hipkins,
12:45Luxon,
12:46Peters,
12:47Seymour,
12:48Swarbrick,
12:48Waititi.
12:49So let's play a quick game
12:50of shoot,
12:51shag, shag, shag,
12:52man.
12:53Shag, shag, shag, shag.
12:57It's a hard one.
12:58It is a hard one.
13:00And the answer is?
13:02I think we will be sort of the therapist
13:04helping them all get along.
13:07Learning how to,
13:09yeah,
13:09shag each other.
13:10I don't know.
13:12Wow.
13:14You are getting votes right now.
13:16You are getting votes.
13:17Speaking of hills,
13:18I saw on your Instagram
13:19that in 2017
13:20you went to Machu Picchu.
13:22Sorry,
13:23I'm creepy
13:24and you're stalking.
13:27Yeah.
13:28It's more of a vibe thing,
13:29Jack.
13:31Did you also have
13:32one of the alpacas
13:33steal your sandwich?
13:34You know what?
13:35I didn't actually do Machu Picchu.
13:37I only went to,
13:38like,
13:38the start of that walk.
13:39So it's a bit
13:40of a false information.
13:42Oh, no,
13:42you're made for politics.
13:43Yeah.
13:46So say it's late at night
13:48and, uh,
13:50you wake up
13:50and you hear a noise
13:51and there's, like,
13:52a murderer in your house
13:54and he's, like,
13:54running towards you
13:55with a knife
13:56but his fly's undone.
13:57What are you,
13:57what are you going to mention?
14:01I'm not sure
14:02where that question was going.
14:05Yeah.
14:05Very common reaction.
14:06You thought my question was weird.
14:08I've been sitting on there
14:09being like,
14:10oh,
14:10she's going to love the question.
14:14Do you know how calm
14:16you would have to be
14:16to notice that?
14:18I know.
14:20Like,
14:20if you woke up
14:21in the middle of the night
14:22and there was a dude
14:23running at you
14:24with a knife,
14:25I don't reckon
14:26you look straight at his dick.
14:28You're looking at the,
14:29I'm going the knife,
14:31I reckon,
14:31not...
14:31Although you're at bed level,
14:33so, you know.
14:33Yeah,
14:34oh,
14:34that's true.
14:35You would be looking at it.
14:35Do not get sucked
14:36into this conversation.
14:39You're now based
14:41in Mount Albert,
14:41I believe.
14:42Yes.
14:42Have you ever got...
14:43That's a yes.
14:47You've done very well.
14:48Give it up to Kool-Aid.
14:48Yes.
14:50Thanks very much.
14:51And congratulations,
14:52team two.
14:53Well done.
14:55Time now for the
14:56Burger Fuel Brain Grill,
14:58brought to us by
14:58our brand new sponsor.
14:59Thank you, Burger Fuel.
15:00This is where we turn back
15:01the pages of time
15:02and test our team's
15:03powers of recollection.
15:04Given that it's 30 years
15:06I learnt since Burger Fuel
15:07first opened their
15:08delicious doors,
15:09we're going to go back
15:0930 as well.
15:10So the magical year
15:11of 1995,
15:13team one.
15:19What was that all about?
15:21It's your bachelor party,
15:22Gorgie.
15:25And this is the
15:26baggage carousel
15:27after getting off
15:28Epstein's plane.
15:30That was,
15:31as many of you know,
15:32the launch of
15:33Windows 95
15:34with Bill Badboy Gates
15:36leading the moves,
15:37just going to show
15:38that in 30 years
15:39white men have
15:40not learnt how to dance.
15:42Don't worry,
15:43team two,
15:43you're going to get
15:44a turn next break
15:44and you at home
15:45will get a chance
15:46later in the show
15:46to win thanks to
15:47the bloody legends
15:48at Burger Fuel.
15:49I'm very tired,
15:49need a break.
15:50Stick around though
15:51because we've got
15:51Slice of Seven
15:52when we return
15:53on Seven Days.
16:03Ah,
16:03you came back.
16:05Great to see your,
16:06what I imagine
16:07are incredibly
16:07beautiful faces.
16:08Time now for
16:09Slice of Seven
16:10where real life
16:10musicians take
16:11their real life
16:12songs and ruin
16:13them by changing
16:14them to be
16:14about a news story.
16:15This week we are
16:16joined in the studio
16:17by one of our favourites,
16:18a band that's been
16:19crushing it on
16:19American talk shows.
16:21Now they're on
16:21my talk show,
16:22back home just
16:23to come on Seven
16:23Days.
16:24Give it up for
16:24the Beths!
16:30Team one,
16:31we'll begin with you.
16:32Are you ready to
16:32decipher the Beths song
16:34and tell me what
16:34they're singing about?
16:35I'm so pumped.
16:36Beths in your own
16:37time.
16:37Take it away.
16:45I found money in
16:47my wall cavity
16:48200,000 in notes
16:52Wanted to give it
16:55to charity
16:56JK, I want a
16:58brand new bow
17:00My cash is stashed
17:02Guided by lads
17:04Kept so worn
17:05by pink bats
17:07And the cops
17:08they want it
17:12Draft shit and
17:14Damn shit and
17:16My roof is richer
17:17than I am
17:19Damn shit and
17:21Jays
17:22If you find cash
17:24don't tell the police
17:26Cause I can't buy
17:27books
17:27I can't shop
17:28I can't buy wine
17:30The cash was earned
17:32due to crime
17:33So next time
17:35I'll keep my lips
17:38sealed
17:39I can't buy
17:46So good.
17:47Wow-wee.
17:49Wow-wee indeed.
17:50Wow-wee indeed.
18:09Oh, okay, yeah, we'll go with what my official answer is what Brinley said
18:15Good words to live by Reece. Yes, the Christchurch couple is embroiled in a legal fight to keep the
18:20$200,000 in cash they found in their ceiling
18:24Police claim the couple don't get to keep the money because it may have been earned through crime and to
18:29underline that the police have
18:30Consistently said that money isn't yours to spend just because it happens to be in your house. Are you listening
18:35to this, honey?
18:40Oh
18:41Oh, I'm the bad guy
18:48Yeah, so found 200k but the police are saying proceeds of crime can't have it Christchurch couple
18:53Yeah, I think Jack and Brinley should be allowed to keep it
18:58Only like roof is insulation. Yes. I wish my house had insulation
19:03No
19:05All I found in my ceiling was some really old candy floss
19:13And it tasted fine, but there's a devil on the other end
19:18Oregon
19:20I
19:21Mean yeah, the people that own the money they must be in prison and they say seven days is actually
19:26watched quite a lot in prison
19:28So yes, so those people are just like to say
19:31shame
19:33No
19:33No, no, no
19:34You do realize that some people get out of prison
19:36Yeah, you did David Bain
19:39No, I'm sorry
19:41No, no
19:43No
19:45Yeah, I did and why
19:47And why
19:48Do you know if they were like vacuum packed into little
19:52I don't they would
19:53Yeah, I'd like to know
19:54It's a definite giveaway of the proceeds of crime isn't it?
19:58The vacuum packing
19:59Is it?
20:00Oh, yeah
20:00I've got a couple of winter jerseys under my bed that aren't a crime scene
20:05They're a fashion crime
20:14All right team two, we're coming to you now
20:16Beths, you ready for a song?
20:18Okay, tell me what story the Beths are singing about
20:49All yours
20:50Major airstrike won't involve that in the first
20:55Cause they pay
20:57Cause they pay
20:58So low, low
21:00So low, low
21:02And that's a big
21:04That's a big
21:05That's a big
21:06Final
21:06No, no
21:08No, no
21:08I guess I'll take
21:10Guess I'll take
21:12Take an Uber
21:14An Uber
21:15On the way
21:17On the way
21:18On the way
21:18To Rotorua
21:20To Rotorua
21:21To Rotorua
21:23Please don't show
21:25The safety video
21:29To them again
21:39I was sort of transfixed by the music and I wasn't really listening
21:43I heard sickbags
21:45Sickbags
21:46Which is my stripper name
21:47And I also
21:51Ladies and gentlemen
21:52Please welcome
21:53Welcome to the podium
21:56Sickbags
22:02I hurt my neck
22:03I hurt my neck
22:05I hurt my neck
22:06I hurt my neck
22:06I hurt my neck
22:07And on Don't Watch the Safety
22:08Please don't play the safety video
22:10So it's about flight attendants, right?
22:12I think
22:12And they've been in the news
22:14Yeah, oh, cause they're striking
22:16They are striking
22:17Oh, Jeremy
22:19Flight attendants are striking
22:22So I don't know
22:23Where you're gonna put your dollar bills
22:25And demand
22:26Oh my god
22:27Serve your more cassava chips
22:31Not true
22:34Good luck to anyone taking a flight this month
22:36Flight attendants across the nation are striking
22:38On three separate occasions throughout February
22:40Cabin staff want more money
22:42As well as better work conditions
22:43In fact, the harsh working conditions have caused many cabin crew to walk off the job
22:47And immediately plummet to their deaths
22:51Do you reckon when they walked off the job lights illuminated to show them the way out?
22:57It was a tough job though
22:58I can see it as a tough job
23:00Apparently on one international flight
23:01They deserve over 300 drinks, right?
23:04And that was just a Winston Peters
23:08Well, it'll be good to finally vape on the plane without any f***ing narcs
23:14I rock
23:18Did you see Jetstar's response to this?
23:21They were
23:21Hmm, we should get flight attendants
23:26New Zealand said they had actually allocated money to pay the attendants more
23:30But one of the staff members left it in the ceiling of the house they were selling in Christchurch
23:34Well, they've been in negotiations for nine months
23:36So they got told that the pay rise was due
23:39And then they were told it was delayed
23:41And then they were told it was diverted to Palmerston North
23:47Did you know pilots are one of the few professions where you wear short sleeves and a tie?
23:52What about banking?
23:54Another one?
23:55Another one?
23:58There's a few actually
24:00Insurance broker
24:02No, you were thinking of a Mormon insurance broker
24:05Oh yeah, that's right
24:06Well, they did get a pay offer from Air New Zealand
24:09And apparently the flight attendants said that it was rubbish
24:12Any rubbish?
24:14Any rubbish?
24:16I hope the flight attendants get more money
24:18The Beths, they're back in the country to a nationwide tour this March
24:22Head to thebeths.com for all the ticket info
24:24And please listen to the real version
24:25Their excellent new album Straight Line was a lie
24:27One more time for the Beths
24:35We go to the points now
24:36Team one, you've earned a thousand
24:38That's the new amount of space launches
24:39Rocket launches allowed in New Zealand
24:41The initial cap of 100 set nine years ago
24:43Is set to be reached
24:44So you're allowed more, good stuff
24:45Team two, you can have the amount
24:46Social media star Logan pulled a Pokemon card for
24:49$27.3 million
24:51He bought it five years ago for $8.7 million
24:56$23.4 million
24:57And beat space
24:58Team two, you get a star
24:59Congratulations
25:02A car is up?
25:04I don't know
25:05Alright, you know what time it is
25:07We're coming up to a break
25:08So thanks to Burger Fuel
25:09We've got another Burger Fuel brain grill for you
25:11This is team two this time
25:12What's going on in this story?
25:13It is from 1995
25:19Good evening
25:19Well it was just a walk in the park
25:21Except the park blew up
25:25Oh!
25:26This is when you're a bit pissed and you're trying to explain to your partner why you're home late
25:31Just walked into the park and the park blew up
25:37That's, of course, the wonderful John Hawksby
25:39The eruption of Mount Ruapehu that shook the North Island back on September 23rd, 1995
25:44Who could forget? I couldn't
25:45I was up there with my mates
25:47We were getting rid of some dynamite into the crater
25:48Oh boy
25:50Remember your chance to win thanks to Burger Fuel is coming up later in the show
25:53Break time now though
25:54Come back with your togs on
25:55When we return we're off to the beach
25:57It's Club Topicana
25:58See you soon
26:08Welcome back to Seven Days
26:10It's raining and it's windy
26:11Must be summer
26:12What better time to head to the beach for Club Topicana?
26:14Play the steel drums
26:26This year we've ditched Dole and replaced them with a better pineapple partner
26:30Psych!
26:31We'd never leave you Dole
26:33You're the pinnacle of pineapples
26:34We're in a lifelong committed relationship
26:36Now inside this spiky fruity orb
26:38Recollection of my favourite stories from the week
26:40Ones that wet my whistle and had me thirsty for more
26:43So let's dive in shall we?
26:45Here we go
26:46Ah yes
26:47The Winter Olympics on right now as mentioned
26:49But they're so far away geographically
26:51What if they were closer?
26:53What if they were in New Zealand?
26:54I'd like to see some scenes from a Kiwi Olympics please
27:00What, so you're supposed to have a swimming heap?
27:01No, every Tuesday we have half the pool booked out for aquarobics
27:11And they're picking up speed
27:13Oh crashing right into the Michael Hill jeweller
27:15They've taken the gold, they've taken the silver
27:18They've taken everything
27:24Alright, no snow for the bobsled this year
27:26So we've improvised
27:27And you're just going to be riding this chilli bin lit down Man Eden
27:36And to beat the Australian
27:38He is going to need an 8.2 metre splash on this manu
27:46And taking gold it is the Avondale Bomb Squad
27:57I'm here for the high jump
28:07Time now for the hot sand sprint from the water to the car park with one gender leech
28:12And go!
28:17And the triathletes are coming out of the water now
28:20They are scanning the QR codes on the lime scooters
28:23And they are off!
28:31That's 24, 25, 26 folks
28:36We've reached a new level of cars stuck behind a juicy camper
28:43Oh my god, look at that incredible fireworks display over Eden Park
28:48To mark the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games
28:50Oh and what's that?
28:51Oh the crowd are leaving
28:52Do you beat the traffic?
29:00And as we see the marathon runners rounding the final bend
29:04The New Zealand crowd erupts into calling them try-hards
29:11I hope you're taking note, New Zealand Olympic Committee
29:13Think there's some good ideas in there
29:15We move to our next story
29:16Over our break there were lots of oddball things happening over in the USA
29:21Especially at the President's place
29:22The White House
29:23It's got me wondering what goes on behind the scenes there
29:26Let's take us inside team
29:28I'd like to hear some examples of things overheard in the White House
29:36OK, so one more time, President Trump
29:38When the gun goes off, you go
29:41Hi, I'm Keith, I just moved in next door
29:47As a condition of my parole, I have to inform you that I'm a registered sex offender
29:51Oh, same!
29:52Phew!
29:59Ahem
30:01Make
30:04Great green card
30:06Look angry
30:08Make movie
30:16Oh God, here we go
30:21Hey, Grock, how to run country?
30:26That was my Trump impression.
30:29I thought you were doing Putin.
30:31Anyway, sorry, sorry.
30:34Hang on a second.
30:35I just got a great text from my very good friend Jeremy Corbyn.
30:40He's the funniest man.
30:44I met him on a beautiful island.
30:50It feels like we were there, doesn't it?
30:51Alright, let's have a look at our next story.
30:54Oh, Valentine's Day. Yes, it was this week.
30:56Sorry for bringing it up again,
30:57for all those low-grade boyfriends out there who forgot.
31:01Like me.
31:02I am bad, but I'm sure they were worse.
31:04Give me some examples of the worst Valentine's Day, please.
31:10Oh, this is so lovely, babe.
31:12State night at the zoo and getting to meet my spirit animal.
31:15That's so great, thank you.
31:17Why have we stopped by this big, wrinkly old elephant?
31:27Hi, I'm Jack Ansett.
31:30That's me.
31:33Good to know no one in the crowd knows my name, ah!
31:42Hey baby, I thought for this Valentine's Day we could do a little bit of role play.
31:46Yeah? Okay, cool.
31:48Alright, I rolled a nat 20.
31:50A goblin appears from behind the room.
32:01Oh God, I'm still Mrs Corbett.
32:10Girl, are you Auckland City?
32:11Because I reckon it's another year before I can give you a light rail.
32:19Alright, enough romance, let's move on.
32:23Yes, it is our first day back at work today and we're all struggling a bit to remember how we
32:27make this show.
32:27I thought I'd throw that on the beach and ask the comedians to show me some examples of forgetting how
32:33to do your job.
32:35Hey, settle down, settle down, no one's here to judge you.
32:38Now has the jury reached a verdict?
32:46I bless you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy...
32:52Holy...
32:53Holy shit, no.
32:56Oh no.
33:00Hey...
33:04Hey man, have a good one.
33:12You guys want any change?
33:20Kate, we're gonna get this plane landed safely.
33:25Oh, I love this song.
33:39Oh, you know, that's definitely safe to use, Mr Baldwin.
33:50OK, so I'm stuck behind a wall, I can't find the door, I eventually find the door.
33:57Oh, sorry.
34:04I certainly hope you remember how to do your job and enjoy 2026.
34:09Far too many floaters washing up on the beach right now.
34:11Time to traipse all the sand into our cars and head home to the desk.
34:14Play the steel drums, great top of garner.
34:25Ah, great game of Club Topicana.
34:29For points, skidding a bit of somber, I'm gonna salute the celebrity departed.
34:32Team one, you can have the age of Robert Duvall, star of Apocalypse Now and The Godfather,
34:36when he passed away on Monday, 95.
34:38And team two, you get the age of Dawson's Creek star, James van der Beek,
34:41when he passed away last week, 48.
34:43Which means that team one gets a shiny star for their star chart.
34:49Time for a break now, but glue yourselves to your seats,
34:52because after the break we're playing a brand new game called Jeremy's Special Game.
34:56You do not want to miss it.
34:57See you soon for seven days.
35:06Welcome back one and all to seven days.
35:08Time now for a new segment very excited about.
35:11This is called Jeremy's Special Game,
35:12where I, Jeremy, present a new game I've come up with,
35:16which is why I think it's special, of course.
35:17This week we are playing Come On Feel The News,
35:20or Come On Feel The News for Slade fans.
35:24Here teams must slide their grubby little hands into my rigid box
35:27and have a thorough feel of its innards.
35:29Insider objects hinting toward a news story.
35:31Team one, you are the first guinea pigs.
35:34Put your hands in the box.
35:35Have a feel.
35:36Okay.
35:37That's good, yeah.
35:38Put your hands in the box.
35:41So, have a bit of a feel around.
35:43Ooh.
35:44I can put my hand in the box.
35:45Oh, no!
35:46Oh, no!
35:48It's his hand, but it's quite scary.
35:51I just felt a virgin.
35:54What?
36:02Correct.
36:03Not part of the story, Rhys.
36:04Not part of the story, I'll help you out there.
36:06What are you getting there, Brinley?
36:07An egg!
36:08With a toothpick in it.
36:09I haven't touched anything.
36:10It's grass!
36:11It's grass!
36:12That's an egg cup.
36:13Egg cup and grass.
36:14Grass.
36:14Pull it out the hole.
36:15What's that?
36:15Is that something?
36:16Is that a jersey or a jumper?
36:19Jersey.
36:20Grass.
36:21Rugby.
36:22Rugby.
36:22Jersey.
36:23Grass.
36:23A leg.
36:24An egg cup.
36:25What's the egg?
36:26I found a leg!
36:27Is it egg and spoon racing?
36:29It's not egg and spoon racing.
36:30Why would it be that?
36:31It's crowning!
36:32Sorry.
36:33Oh!
36:34Oh!
36:36This is like the guy running towards you with the knife!
36:39He's...
36:40Well, I think I know.
36:41I think I know.
36:41It says the umbrella and the egg cup is Christopher Luxon's bald as f*** head and this is the
36:48umbrella man!
36:50What?
36:50The umbrella at the rugby and I don't know what the rugby thing is but it's at the rugby
36:54and Christopher Luxon put the umbrella over the man with the fluffy...
37:00There's a cat!
37:01A cat!
37:01Here!
37:02Yeah.
37:02A cat!
37:03A fire!
37:03You're right about everything except the story.
37:08Australia!
37:09Correct.
37:10That's a big part of it.
37:11Can we go on each other's hold?
37:12Put it this way.
37:12Di's getting very excited about the story.
37:14Yeah, it's obviously none of you are religious.
37:16You're literally...
37:18Jesus' cloak's in there, man.
37:20Oh, okay.
37:20So it's the warriors?
37:22Oh no, it's not.
37:23Oh!
37:24It's not.
37:26You're my second Jesus.
37:28You need to go back more towards the Australian thing.
37:30Sorry.
37:31Um, okay.
37:32Christopher Luxon was at a rugby game in Australia.
37:35It was the All Blacks who were playing.
37:38And he held an umbrella over a man.
37:41Oh, God.
37:41Oh!
37:42And that man turned out to be Jeffrey Epstein.
37:47That would be a news story, as you can hear from Di's groans.
37:51You are wrong.
37:51Prime Minister Christopher Luxon gallantly held an umbrella over NRL Commissioner Dr Gary
37:56Weiss, as he announced Eden Park will host its first ever state of origin match.
38:02New Zealand government reportedly paid $5 million for the privilege for that event.
38:07When asked where the money came from, Prime Minister said,
38:08It's amazing what you can afford when you feed school kids cat food.
38:12So...
38:14Alright, well, Jeremy's special game, already a bit of a success.
38:17I have quietly repositioned the mystery box to Team 2.
38:21It is your turn now, Team 2.
38:23If you'd like to put your hands in there and tell me what story I have made with my objet.
38:29Day.
38:29No mucking around.
38:30This is like uni.
38:32Ah, right!
38:33Oh, gee.
38:34Hey, she's...
38:35Okay, there's something...
38:35Oh, sorry.
38:36Is this bread?
38:37Yeah, you're holding something.
38:38No, that's a baguette.
38:40I hate it.
38:40Hey, that's it.
38:41It's a wet baguette.
38:43That's...
38:45Day-old baguette made by...
38:46I'm just wet.
38:47I just got wet.
38:48A West Auckland baker, I reckon.
38:50What's this?
38:51What else you got in there?
38:53What's this?
38:53Oh, what's that?
38:54Oh, we can't tell you.
38:55Oh, Di, take this off me.
38:56What is it?
38:56What, baguette?
38:57Water?
38:58Oh, gee, what is that?
38:59What is it?
39:00This feels like a soapy shiv.
39:02Might be something that goes in the water.
39:04Oh, what's this?
39:04Do you know what this feels like?
39:05There's two of them.
39:06Oh, this feels like...
39:07Hold on, I'm twiddling the ends on this one.
39:08Me too.
39:09You know what I feel like?
39:10Oh, this is a boat!
39:11Yeah, it's a boat.
39:12Oh, well done.
39:13It's a boat.
39:14A French boat.
39:15Oh, yes, it's a French baguette, water, boat...
39:18Crash them together, guys!
39:20Crash them together!
39:20Water, boat!
39:21And this is a three-week-old sestima.
39:35There's another clue in there, I think.
39:38There's more stuff that you haven't dealt yet.
39:39Is it?
39:39Towards the back of the box, towards your side of the box.
39:42I'm just getting fingers and wits.
39:43There we go.
39:44Here, die, hold it.
39:45What's that?
39:46That's you.
39:47That's me, that's my head!
39:48Oh, that's Abby!
39:50Not relevant to the story.
39:51Oh, it's not crape paper, no, it's tinfoil.
39:54Who's familiar with it?
39:55A foil?
39:55Is it like a yacht foil?
39:57Yeah, I've interned at Black Power before.
39:58This is a tinny.
40:04A foil is a thing on a boat, ain't it?
40:05Yeah, the foils on the boat.
40:07You know, get up on the foils, mate!
40:09What are you doing?
40:10No, because they do the, get up on the foils, mate!
40:12Okay, I'm getting a really, I mean, when I'm saying...
40:14You've got all the pieces, put it together.
40:16Boat, foil.
40:17Foil.
40:17America's can't marry.
40:18Yeah, French.
40:20Um, Rainbow Warrior, did that happen recently?
40:24What you're doing at the moment is called doing an anset.
40:27La Francaise.
40:28Remember, they don't know my name.
40:32Doing a Jack.
40:34Okay.
40:35Hey, Jack, when did you get here?
40:36Yes.
40:40Good to see ya, bro!
40:44Okay.
40:47Give me a story, Di.
40:48The next America's Cup is being held in France.
40:51Oh my god.
40:53Incorrect.
40:54I'll give you the real answer.
40:55Drama on the high seas.
40:56As you all know, the New Zealand Black Foils,
40:58the name of the boat, were forced out of the Auckland Sail GP
41:00after a high-speed collision with the French boat.
41:04Black Foils have had to switch to their backup option,
41:06which is Lisa Carrington in a canoe.
41:09All right, team one.
41:11For points, team one, you can get the height.
41:13Supreme Halberg Award winner Hamish Kirk can jump 2.36 metres.
41:17Pretty high.
41:18Team two, you can have the height of two Dye Hemwards
41:21on top of each other, 3.3 metres.
41:23Hamish couldn't jump.
41:25Use team two wins and gets a star.
41:27Well done.
41:28Really?
41:29Oh, no, you're right.
41:32Great game of Feel the News.
41:33For the first and last time you've seen that fantastic game,
41:37guess the insides of my box.
41:39I've got a few other special games I'd like to introduce you to this season.
41:42In 2026, I can't wait.
41:44But it's time now for you at home to get your brains into gear
41:47for your turn at the Burger Fuel Brain Grill.
41:50What is going on in this image?
41:52It is from 1995, 30 years ago, when Burger Fuel first started.
41:57All right, hit us up on Instagram or Facebook with your crack-up answer.
42:00You could be taking home dinner thanks to Burger Fuel.
42:02All right, break time now.
42:04When we come back, we are going to crown one of these teams
42:06the inaugural winner for 2026 with Beat the Ding.
42:10See you soon.
42:17Oh, welcome back.
42:21For those of you who have just joined us,
42:23where the hell have you been?
42:24We're about to play our last game.
42:25You missed the bloody Jeremy special.
42:27Like, guess what's in my box?
42:28Oh, it doesn't matter.
42:29I'm going to play Beat the Ding now,
42:31where I put these comedians to the test.
42:32I make them list answers before I go to town on my dinger.
42:36Every successful dingy earns their team a potentially game-winning star.
42:41All right, let's get dinging.
42:43Here we go.
42:43Former American President Barack Obama said,
42:46aliens exist on a podcast this week.
42:49I agree, about time.
42:50Abby, you've got 13 seconds to name five American presidents
42:54in an alien voice.
42:56Andrew Jackson.
42:59George Washington.
43:01Beat Boat.
43:03I've got Fitzgerald.
43:05I mean, I mean, Franklin Roosevelt.
43:09And also, um, Obama and Ronald Reagan.
43:14That'll do.
43:15That'll do it.
43:16Yeah, well done.
43:16A star for you.
43:17Well done, Abby.
43:18Up in there.
43:19Some Milo bars have been recalled after concerns
43:22the product may contain pieces of rubber.
43:24Not good.
43:25Rhys, 10 seconds to tell me, in order,
43:27the definitive ranking of the top five chocolate bars in the world.
43:30Go.
43:31Ooh, OK.
43:32Number one with a bullet, Snickers.
43:35Number two, I'm going to go Luxury Flake.
43:38Number three, Whittaker's Peanut Slab.
43:41Number four, Anything Caramello.
43:46And number five, Kit Kat, F***ing Nestle.
43:49Well done.
43:50Five of them.
43:50Star for Rhys.
43:51Give them a round of applause.
43:52Whits.
43:53All right.
43:54These guys are making it look easy.
43:55It is not easy.
43:57It is, however, Chinese New Year,
43:59the start of the year of the horse, Dai.
44:00You have nine seconds to make up five horse names
44:04whilst commentating a horse race.
44:06Go.
44:06Coming around the corner,
44:07I've got Rumpel Foreskin,
44:08and you've got Hoppaw on the back
44:11with the two ladies gone fat.
44:13And you've got around the corner
44:15with the Fum Fum Bam Bam.
44:16And you've got Shaniqua, Tinsel, and Badang Dang.
44:20Badang Dang coming on your back.
44:25Which one's the English?
44:27Badang Dang?
44:31Shaniqua, Tinsel, and Badang Dang.
44:33That's so good.
44:34That's the trifecta, I believe, for the Melbourne Cup.
44:36That's so good.
44:37Well done.
44:38Well done, Dai Star.
44:39Ah, the flamethrower and the ring burner.
44:42Back on the menu at Burger Fuel.
44:43Watch out for the Battle of the Burn.
44:44It's coming soon.
44:45Brinley, give you 14 seconds, that's a lot,
44:47to name five spicy things whilst your mouth is burning.
44:51Go.
44:52Chili!
44:54Jalapenos!
44:55Fire!
44:56The pits of hell!
44:58And an STI!
45:05The pits of hell and an STI.
45:07Well, all right, a star for you.
45:10Well done, Brinley.
45:10It is Kākāpō mating season.
45:12Jazzy, 12 seconds to give me three pick-up lines for Kākāpō.
45:17Call the Kākāpō lease because I'm too hot.
45:21I'm small and fat and green, love me.
45:23I'll rip your f***ing windscreen wipers off, but you'll love it.
45:33And that is why they're not good at breeding, I think.
45:36Yeah, it's great.
45:37OK, we're going to give you that.
45:38Well done, the star for Jazzy.
45:40A new trend has emerged this week, dark showering.
45:43It is, as it sounds, showering in the dark.
45:45Apparently it helps you to get to sleep.
45:47Jack, 15 seconds to shut your eyes
45:49and take us through your shower routine, please.
45:52Go.
45:53That is personal informa...
45:55I start with the balls.
45:59I lather my whole body in the wash
46:02and I use a Lynx-branded one called Xbox Lift Your Game.
46:08And so I get in all the nooks and crannies
46:10and then I just stand there and drip
46:12because I apparently get too much water on the shower mat,
46:15so I just sort of...
46:18That's good, you're getting yourself a star.
46:20Well done.
46:24All right, that is us.
46:25All we'd like to do is award our winner.
46:26Let's have a look at the star chart.
46:28Boy, oh boy, taking home the relic,
46:29that leaning tower of pizza.
46:31Hopefully you're not announcing
46:31they've been cheating on their partner at the same time.
46:33Team Toe!
46:34Well done.
46:39Well done to you for watching and now please join me in thanking Rhys, Jack, Brinley,
46:44Di, Abby and Jazzy.
46:46We'll see you in seven days on Seven Days.
46:47Good night.
47:01Thanks, New Zealand On Air,
47:02especially for funding my new segment,
47:04Jeremy's Special Game.
47:05Time for me to head home and play Jeremy's other special game.
47:09Oh...
47:09Oh...
47:09Oh...
47:09You
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