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8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown - Season 29 - Episode 01: Jon Richardson & Judi Love, Rob Beckett & Katherine Parkinson, Spencer Jones
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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr Jimmy Carr!
00:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:04Ta-da!
00:05Hey!
00:07What?
00:09Thank you very much.
00:11I...
00:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:16Manage your expectations.
00:18Now, have we got a show for you?
00:20That remains to be seen.
00:22I'll tell you what we do have.
00:23Go wild and crazy.
00:24I'll bring them all out at the same time.
00:25We've got John Richardson, Rob Beckett, Judy Love,
00:28Katherine Parkinson, Susie Dent, Rachel Riley.
00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:32That's something.
00:33That's the show.
00:34Hey, calm down.
00:37Get in there.
00:39Right.
00:42OK.
00:44Oh, yeah.
00:46Spoiler alert.
00:47Uh, John wins.
00:50OK, everyone, we're ready to go.
00:51Let's do this.
01:15APPLAUSE
01:27Oh
01:28Welcome to edit and cats does countdown a show about letters numbers and conundrums. Okay, let's meet tonight's players first
01:35up
01:35We've got team captain John Richardson
01:37Oh
01:44Big dog daddy. That's what I'm talking about
01:48Well one at one of those words is factually correct. Yeah, and it's not big or dog
01:54You've got to hand it to John because he's so small. He can't reach it by himself
02:00It's people meet me and they genuinely think I'm about three foot two
02:05And John's teammate Judy love
02:11Judy once went to a concert to see her favorite band blue and got so excited that she threw her
02:17bra on stage
02:18killing all four
02:25Who's your favorite member of blue I love blue I think it was Simon Simon was lovely but the bra
02:31was yeah
02:31It did it was like it was like a tent my one love it was just like
02:37Up against him this evening. We've got team captain Rob Beckett
02:46We do a lot of jokes about Rob's teeth but to be serious for a second if you are feeding
02:51him remember flat palm and let him come to
02:58Oh they're crazy are they are they veneers or they they're your own teeth
03:08They are bigger, right?
03:10When I laugh he looks like they're running out
03:15Joining Rob tonight, it's Katherine Parkinson
03:22Catherine is an actress in her 40s, so there's still lots of parts for her on television.
03:27Whether she wants to play a divorced mother of five, an ageing spinster, or a kindly grandmother.
03:32There's all kinds of opportunities.
03:36I'm only just in my 40s, I'm nearly out of my 40s, so thank you.
03:41John, you recently voiced Grouchy Smurf in the Smurfs movie.
03:45How did you get that role? Why were you cast, do you think?
03:49Well, I think Fanny Smasher Smurf had already been cast.
03:58It's in the deleted scenes, but it's well worth checking out.
04:01If you nip out to the toilet, there's a chance you missed my entire input to the film.
04:06Technically, I was in a film with Rihanna, and she doesn't know who the hell I am.
04:09LAUGHTER
04:13You've done a film, haven't you? You're like a bird that commentates on films.
04:16Yes.
04:17And you're in Cinderella, which we love.
04:19Yes, I was in Cinderella, but...
04:21Really, do you what?
04:22Active.
04:23Yeah, but...
04:25What part in Cinderella?
04:27I was the pervert trying to get off of her.
04:30It's good they let you keep the glasses, though.
04:33LAUGHTER
04:35Can I tell you that, I mean, part of the reason we watched that is because
04:40my husband originally had that part, but they had him in his costume
04:45and he did a scene and they thought he looked too pervy.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:50So they've got someone who looks pervy.
04:52LAUGHTER
04:53I think, though, Camilla Gabbau looked very young, Cinderella.
04:56She looked very young, and my husband is, yes, my age.
04:59And a convicted pervert.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:02OK, Judy, what would be your perfect day off?
05:05Er, I think it'd be at home, not having to do any kind of maths
05:10or work with numbers and words and shit like this.
05:14LAUGHTER
05:16I don't want to cook, I don't want to talk to no-one, I don't want to...
05:19No, I don't want to do anything.
05:20I'll be honest, you get bored of it.
05:22You asked me, who said I'd get bored? I've got kids.
05:24When you say you've got kids, how many kids you got?
05:26Two.
05:27Yeah, two.
05:28How old are they, Judy? One's 20.
05:29One's... yeah, but...
05:31That doesn't count.
05:31You're not on the front line of a three-year-old.
05:33LAUGHTER
05:34Er, Rob.
05:35You got a mascot?
05:36Yes, I do, I have got a mascot, actually.
05:38Erm, so one of my favourite pastimes,
05:40a little hobby of mine, is tripping up children.
05:43LAUGHTER
05:45When you've got kids, you're a lot of parties, soft plays,
05:47and there's always a couple of idiot kids
05:49that are being mean to your kids, so a little...
05:51as they're sprinting past, being able to have a little leg out.
05:55LAUGHTER
05:56Just to catch them on the run and...
05:58Ever do it to your own child, or...?
06:00No, I don't, no.
06:01No, I don't...
06:02I don't just do it to all...
06:03It's just, you know, I'm getting older,
06:04kids are getting younger and quicker and stuff like that,
06:06so what I've got is I've had some special shoes made
06:08to help me with the tripping up,
06:11cos it can get difficult.
06:12I've got these.
06:13They're only a prototype.
06:14I think they're going to take off.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:23Can I...
06:24Can you see these?
06:25Oh, yeah, I'd like to see these.
06:26Yeah, see, like, obviously, I've got them to look like
06:29normal shoes that people don't notice.
06:31LAUGHTER
06:32Yeah, no, I mean...
06:33I'll come round and show you what...
06:35I don't have to...
06:36LAUGHTER
06:38It's not really that...
06:39What's that?
06:39What's that happening?
06:40No, don't they?
06:41What?
06:42Well, you can tell...
06:43You can tell...
06:44You can tell when you know.
06:48LAUGHTER
06:51They're cool.
06:52They're really cool, yeah.
06:54I think they might catch on.
06:54It's like a classic pair of sort of laced-up trainers.
06:58Say you're at a party, you just sat down having a chat.
07:02LAUGHTER
07:02You're having a drink,
07:03a kid run past, you're in a coffee shop.
07:05Fuck off!
07:05LAUGHTER
07:07And then you're just easy to go,
07:09TWAT!
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11Can you run in those?
07:12What's that?
07:13Can you...?
07:13I'm not chasing kids.
07:15LAUGHTER
07:15You look like someone who chases kids, if I'm honest.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:22APPLAUSE
07:30Oh, that's really...
07:32LAUGHTER
07:33APPLAUSE
07:34That was...
07:35That was...
07:36That was close, though.
07:37It nearly went.
07:38But, yeah, so, if you want a pair, let me know I'm going to start a...
07:41Crowdfunder.
07:43LAUGHTER
07:43LAUGHTER
07:48It's quite long.
07:50Well, Becky, everyone.
07:51It's got a match of shoes.
07:59Oh, my...
08:00Catherine, um...
08:02Catherine, have you got a mascot?
08:03Yeah, but it's nothing like that.
08:04I mean, you've created yours.
08:06Have you made those yourself?
08:08Absolutely.
08:08That's...
08:09I mean, this is...
08:10This is shop-bought, what I've got.
08:12And it's just to relieve tension in the drawer.
08:15But when I first got it, I did...
08:17I used it this way for quite a while until somebody...
08:21So it was actually this way.
08:22What...
08:23And you do it, put it...
08:24Oh, my God.
08:25Oh, my God.
08:26What is going on there?
08:27It looks good.
08:28Oh.
08:29That's very briefly, like, the same work that I've had done.
08:34It'll have bits of my dead skin on it now, but...
08:39It's nice, isn't it?
08:42It's nice, isn't it?
08:42It doesn't look great.
08:43No.
08:44Someone...
08:45Someone's going to Photoshop something in there, Rob.
08:49As it pushes back, it unlocks the jaw.
08:52It does, it does.
08:53Because they're white as well, it looks like your teeth are sort of escaping.
08:58It's going to pull them back.
09:00Judy, have you got a mascot?
09:02I have.
09:03Because when I come on the show, I get a bit nervous.
09:06I'm always worried about, like, what's going to be the end result.
09:10But because of that, I thought, let me just relax myself.
09:13I've got my crystal ball so I can get predictions.
09:18Ooh.
09:19Yeah.
09:19I can see things, like, now I can see this gorgeous, gorgeous woman.
09:24Very, very...
09:25Oh, God, look at her.
09:26Just hot.
09:27Oh, sorry, that's me.
09:28Sorry.
09:29But I can see lots of little things.
09:32I can see John at home by himself.
09:35arguing with a thermostat.
09:38LAUGHTER
09:40I'm not paying these prices, I'll put a cardio on.
09:42Yeah, yeah.
09:44Susie, I can see Susie in the afterlife having a conversation.
09:48Well, actually pulling up God's because he said Pacific instead of specific.
09:53LAUGHTER
09:54Have a break, girl.
09:55Have a break.
09:56Do you know what I mean?
09:57So, yeah, I can see...
09:57And I can see...
09:58Susie's dead in that.
10:00Yeah, but she's not...
10:01She buried the lead on that.
10:02How did she die?
10:03Doesn't die by being tripped up, does she?
10:06LAUGHTER
10:07But what I mainly can predict is that we're going to win.
10:12The silence, that was killing.
10:16Of course, Susie, let's enjoy while we've got it.
10:18OK, John, have you got a mascot?
10:20Yes, well, it's a business venture really, Jimmy.
10:23Oh!
10:23So I've gone into music, tribute bands, a lot of coin in tributes.
10:28So I found this guy who does Elvis, first of all.
10:31He was my first act, but he was a bit...
10:33Well, he was shit.
10:34So people would ask who he was.
10:36So we had to rename him Elvish.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:40So sometimes you want to update an act while you're doing the tribute.
10:44So I've got a modern Johnny Cash called Johnny Contacts.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:51And I sort of brought all the songs up into the modern age.
10:54He's got a song about Dodgy Market called Ring of Fire Sticks.
10:58LAUGHTER
11:00I've got a one-man Led Zeppelin,
11:02cos I can't afford all of them, so that's Les Zeppelin.
11:06LAUGHTER
11:07I've got loads of these.
11:08I've got a one-man Iron Maiden.
11:10Brian Maiden.
11:12LAUGHTER
11:13I've got as many of these as you want.
11:14One-man take that, Jake that.
11:18And then I saw the Oasis gigs,
11:20and I thought, well, there's got to be coin in that.
11:21I thought one thing that puts people off going to the Oasis gigs,
11:24I think there's a bit of a reputation for being quite laddy
11:26and quite unpleasant...
11:27..or piss-throwing and all that.
11:29So I thought, how do you change that?
11:30Well, you just...
11:31The music speaks for itself,
11:32so you just make it less laddy and less toxic.
11:34So I've got a tribute band called OA Sisters.
11:37LAUGHTER
11:38And I'm delighted to say, making their TV debut,
11:41I've brought them along tonight.
11:42So, ladies and gentlemen, OA Sisters are here.
11:46APPLAUSE
11:56So Sally can wait, she knows it's too late,
12:02when we're walking on by.
12:05LAUGHTER
12:07My soul slides away.
12:12Don't look back in anger, I heard you say.
12:17APPLAUSE
12:25You were slightly OK.
12:27You were?
12:28You were?
12:28The only key that I need is the one that I'm going to scrape down
12:31your fucking cat.
12:33LAUGHTER
12:34You know, you are a woman with a soup spoon
12:38and a world full of steak.
12:41LAUGHTER
12:43I've had a fucking enough of this, I'm fucking enough.
12:47You, you weasel in cardigan-wearing little swat.
12:52LAUGHTER
12:53You'd better pay us what you owe.
12:55Yeah, I agree with her, actually.
12:57And I've got big hands.
13:00LAUGHTER
13:03APPLAUSE
13:05APPLAUSE
13:05And over in Dictionary Corner,
13:07please welcome Spencer Jones.
13:09APPLAUSE
13:19All right.
13:20Well, Spencer, good to have you back.
13:21What have you been up to recently?
13:23I've been, um...
13:24Everyone's got a dodgy offie that they go to,
13:26but what I like to do, when I go to the dodgy offie,
13:29give the boys the red stripe, empty the bag,
13:31put the bag on your head like that,
13:33put that round that ear like that,
13:34and then round that ear like that,
13:35and then round that ear like that,
13:35and then...
13:36Oh-ho!
13:38LAUGHTER
13:39LAUGHTER
13:39LAUGHTER
13:39Oh-ho!
13:42You might...
13:43You might get signed by John.
13:44Yeah, I'll take it.
13:46Want some more?
13:47Yeah!
13:49I'm sure the best thing I came up with in lockdown.
13:52LAUGHTER
13:52I'll be honest,
13:53it's the only thing I came up with in lockdown.
13:55LAUGHTER
13:57Happy Mother's Day!
13:59LAUGHTER
14:00Happy Mother's Day!
14:06I've got banned!
14:07I've got banned from TikTok for that.
14:09LAUGHTER
14:10Oh, my God!
14:12There's one other thing.
14:13There we go.
14:14Um, sometimes when you're visiting a hospital,
14:17you know, it's a sad time.
14:18People are dying.
14:19Um, but they've got plenty of these knocking around,
14:21which you can nick.
14:22You know, no-one will ever go, yeah?
14:24You can do sort of like,
14:24you lie, it's fine.
14:26LAUGHTER
14:31LAUGHTER
14:33It's too cheap.
14:34It's too cheap.
14:35Anyone got work tomorrow?
14:37LAUGHTER
14:38Me too.
14:40What you can do, when you pull up like that,
14:42you put one finger in like that,
14:43and then that one comes through there like that,
14:44and then that finger go in there like that,
14:46and then that one and that,
14:47and then...
14:48ROLL AWAY!
14:49LAUGHTER
14:53And they'll be dying, but they'll be laughing.
14:56And then what you can do, you squeeze it like that,
14:58and then twist it like that,
14:59and then...
15:00and then...
15:01like that.
15:05APPLAUSE
15:10Thanks a job.
15:13And with Spencer, of course,
15:14it's Susie Dent.
15:16APPLAUSE
15:20Last Valentine's Day,
15:21Susie Dent co-wrote a romantic radio drama.
15:24I listened to it, Susie,
15:25and I'll be honest with you,
15:26I was bored stiff.
15:27LAUGHTER
15:28Susie, what words make you laugh?
15:31Lots of words make me laugh.
15:33In the historical dictionary,
15:35there's a word for someone who wishes bad luck upon someone else,
15:39and they're described as ill-willy.
15:41If you are kind towards someone, you were good-willy.
15:44And if you really wish death and destruction on someone,
15:47you were evil-willy.
15:49LAUGHTER
15:49And these are all from the 17th century.
15:51I can't imagine you've ever been described as being good-willy.
15:54LAUGHTER
15:55OK.
15:56And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley!
16:00APPLAUSE
16:04Rachel, have you ever been tempted to get a tattoo?
16:06You know, I feel like everyone's got one except me,
16:09so I would quite like to get one.
16:11My brother's got absolutely loads,
16:13but you've got to get it right, haven't you?
16:14You've got to get something meaningful
16:15and something you don't regret.
16:16So, I'm thinking of getting your face, like, here,
16:20so, like, the mouth can be my belly button,
16:23cos, basically, I really want to know what it looks like
16:25to see your face on real human skin.
16:29LAUGHTER
16:32APPLAUSE
16:36OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight
16:38is this, the Countdown Fencing Kit.
16:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
16:48Oh, this should be good.
16:50Oh.
16:50Ooh.
16:51Maybe get...
16:52Maybe a little bit closer together, guys.
16:54Just edge it.
16:55Maybe a little bit...
16:56Just a touch closer, just a tad...
17:00LAUGHTER
17:09I thought they were beekeepers.
17:12One in the blue.
17:13Let's see your face.
17:14Hey.
17:14I knew the second one was a brother.
17:16I knew it.
17:17I don't know, it was just something in his walk.
17:19I said that to you then.
17:19You said, you said,
17:20I could tell from his walk he was black
17:21and I didn't know what to say.
17:24LAUGHTER
17:25Literally.
17:26Yeah.
17:27I whispered it to John.
17:28I was hoping...
17:29John would say it.
17:29Yeah.
17:30But I didn't want it to get cancelled.
17:31But I just...
17:32I just saw it in his walk.
17:34LAUGHTER
17:34I don't...
17:35I don't know what that man is called,
17:36but, um...
17:38RUN!
17:39LAUGHTER
17:40LAUGHTER
17:41OK, let's Countdown everyone.
17:43Time for the first game.
17:43Rob and Katherine,
17:44you get the first pick of the letters.
17:46A vowel, please.
17:47Yeah, sure.
17:48Can I have an E?
17:48A consonant, please.
17:51N.
17:52Another vowel, please.
17:54A.
17:55A consonant.
17:56G.
17:57Another vowel, please.
17:58L.
17:59A consonant.
18:00S.
18:01Another consonant, please.
18:04L.
18:04A vowel.
18:05U.
18:06And another vowel, please.
18:10LAUGHTER
18:11Can we stop a second?
18:13When you said that, the crowd ood, which I felt like you'd made a bad decision, but I wasn't listening.
18:19Shall we switch?
18:20Oh.
18:20Do we think that's too many vowels? Can I... consonant, please?
18:23Consonant.
18:23Yeah, go for it.
18:24Very unusual that someone messes up the picking of the letters.
18:27LAUGHTER
18:29OK.
18:29While you crack on with that, I've got a side hustle.
18:31I'm a couples therapist.
18:33LAUGHTER
18:35OK.
18:37Right.
18:38OK.
18:41Next.
18:43LAUGHTER
18:45LAUGHTER
18:48LAUGHTER
18:49This is, er, this is Mark Obama and Oprah Woofrey.
18:53LAUGHTER
18:55Your time starts now.
18:57Well, where should we begin?
18:59OK.
19:00Well, tell me about your sex life.
19:02LAUGHTER
19:03So you just do it doggy style, do you?
19:06LAUGHTER
19:07Bark Obama, you're saying she won't let you bury her bone anymore?
19:11LAUGHTER
19:12You can't, if you don't mind me saying, real dog breath.
19:15How did you two meet?
19:18Dogging.
19:19LAUGHTER
19:20Mate, I think you should leave her.
19:21She's a bitch.
19:23LAUGHTER
19:27Well, I see you two have, er, made up now.
19:29So that'll be £500, please.
19:32LAUGHTER
19:34OK, round of applause, everyone, for our dogs and their handlers.
19:38APPLAUSE
19:43Er, Rob, how many?
19:45Six.
19:46Catherine, how many?
19:47Six.
19:48Six, OK.
19:49Er, Judy?
19:50Six.
19:50John, how many?
19:51Seven.
19:52Seven, OK.
19:52Rob, what's your six?
19:53Aliens.
19:54Catherine, your six?
19:55Claws.
19:56Oh, nice.
19:57Judy, your six?
19:58I had uncles.
20:00John, for the win, your seven.
20:03Er, glances.
20:04Oh.
20:06Wow.
20:07He's really good, isn't he?
20:09Seven points to John.
20:10Er, Susie, could they have done you better?
20:14You could have had lunacies for eight.
20:16So at the end of that, John and Judy are in the lead with seven points.
20:20APPLAUSE
20:22On to our first numbers round.
20:24Judy, you get your pick of the numbers.
20:27Er...
20:27No, just do it.
20:28Ten.
20:29Ten?
20:30You can have up to four big ones.
20:32Yeah.
20:32And then the rest little ones.
20:34So, I'll pick...
20:37Ten?
20:38No.
20:39What numbers?
20:40Well, you don't get to pick the numbers, that's why it's fun.
20:44So you get to say two big or three big or four big.
20:47OK, so three big ones.
20:49Three big ones.
20:49Oh.
20:50And how many?
20:51Four?
20:51I don't think we were going to win this round.
20:54LAUGHTER
20:54Four small ones.
20:56Shall we go for three small ones?
20:57Three small.
20:58How many numbers can we pick all together?
21:00Six.
21:00It's changed.
21:00It's changed.
21:01Has that changed?
21:02They haven't even changed the fucking chair.
21:04It's changed.
21:06Richard Whiteley died in that chair.
21:08They haven't changed the fucking head.
21:10LAUGHTER
21:11It was different last time when I was picking numbers.
21:15It's exactly the same.
21:16You predicted the future tonight, you didn't see this coming.
21:19LAUGHTER
21:20OK, your three small ones.
21:21Seven, nine, and ten.
21:24You've got your ten.
21:25And the big one's fifty, twenty-five, and one hundred.
21:29Oh, yes!
21:29I remember that.
21:30LAUGHTER
21:32112.
21:32OK, your target is 112.
21:34Your time starts now.
21:36Do you have to use it?
21:36I'm sorry.
21:41Right, I'll do it.
21:44Oh, I know.
21:49OK.
22:08No-one else.
22:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:14We've got it right!
22:16Woo-hoo!
22:16We've got it right!
22:17Rob.
22:18Rob, did you get it?
22:19Yeah!
22:20LAUGHTER
22:21First time ever.
22:22Really quick.
22:23Taking them over.
22:24Can I check, you don't have to use all the numbers, do you?
22:26Yes.
22:27OK.
22:28Woo!
22:29We don't have to use all the numbers!
22:31Judy.
22:33LAUGHTER
22:34Judy.
22:35Did you get it?
22:36Well, if I knew that we didn't have to use all the numbers,
22:39of course I would have bloody got it.
22:41I would have got it.
22:42I got 99.
22:45LAUGHTER
22:46Just tell you how!
22:49LAUGHTER
22:52Yeah!
22:53Shut it out!
22:54So, I did...
22:56How did you get less than a hundred?
22:59LAUGHTER
22:59There's a fucking hundred there!
23:02A hundred take away 50 equals 15.
23:06LAUGHTER
23:06Take away 25 equals 25.
23:11And then 25 take away 10, left 15.
23:14And then...
23:16LAUGHTER
23:17Added 15 to 100 was 115.
23:21Oh, my God.
23:22And then I added seven and nine, which was 16.
23:25And took away 16 from 115, which was 99.
23:32APPLAUSE
23:38Wow.
23:39Judy, do you want to be my accountant?
23:41LAUGHTER
23:43Wow.
23:43Judy, do you want to be my accountant?
23:45LAUGHTER
23:47Catherine, did you get it?
23:48I hope so.
23:49Having sort of whooped and sort of been all pleased with myself,
23:52that I had...
23:52I did get it, I think.
23:53Well, talk us through it.
23:54So, nine take away seven is two.
23:55That was the hard bit.
23:58LAUGHTER
23:58Plus 10 is 12, plus 100 is 112.
24:01Yep.
24:02APPLAUSE
24:03Oh!
24:04I didn't think that would happen.
24:06Good.
24:06Um, John, did...
24:07Did you get it?
24:08I did 50 over 10, plus seven for the 12.
24:11Yeah, that would do.
24:12Nice.
24:12Ten points for both teams.
24:14APPLAUSE
24:15And here is your teaser.
24:17The words are...
24:18Wang, sight.
24:19The clue is...
24:20Is it hot in here?
24:20That's Wang, sight.
24:22Is it hot in here?
24:23See you after the break.
24:25APPLAUSE
24:40Welcome back.
24:41The answer to the teaser, the words were...
24:43Wang, sight.
24:43The clue was...
24:44Is it hot in here?
24:45It was, of course, sweating.
24:47OK, so John and Judy are in the lead.
24:49They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Rob and Judy.
24:53Huh?
24:54So, Judy, your turn to choose the letters.
24:56Vowel.
24:57Yep.
24:58Nailed it.
24:58E.
24:59Consonant.
25:00T.
25:01Consonant.
25:03John, while this is...
25:04While this is going on, we should probably...
25:06Vowel.
25:06A.
25:07Vowel.
25:08I put just Pilates.
25:09Oh, yeah, great.
25:11Vowel.
25:11Shall we?
25:12Yeah, which one?
25:13O.
25:14Continent.
25:15T.
25:16It's not that I'm not interested, I just think this is going to be shit.
25:20And that...
25:21I might just do it.
25:21If I go...
25:22And...
25:23E.
25:23Right.
25:24I've actually only hired one machine, so we're both going to go on at the same time.
25:27So if you go there...
25:28Yeah?
25:28Yeah, you grab that.
25:29Yeah.
25:32Was it lentils again, was it?
25:34Yeah.
25:40Yeah.
26:02Okay, your time starts...
26:04Yeah.
26:08Yeah.
26:09Yeah.
26:11Yeah.
26:12Yeah.
26:12Yeah.
26:12Yeah.
26:13Yeah.
26:13Yeah.
26:14Yeah.
26:18So John, do you mind if I just take the tip out?
26:23I've got tear, if that's anything.
26:27Judy, love, have you got your phone out?
26:29I was just checking the spelling.
26:34Sorry.
26:35Sorry, John, do you...
26:37Oh.
26:38John.
26:39Yeah.
26:40Is that reform Pilates?
26:42Express why they're so fucking angry.
26:43It's amazing.
26:45It's really good.
26:46I liked it, yeah.
26:47But it's nice to be intimate.
26:49Judy, how many?
26:51Five, six.
26:53Five, six.
26:54OK.
26:54Rob, how many did you get?
26:56OK, we're behind.
26:57I've got a solid six, but I'm just going in for a seven.
27:00OK, all right.
27:01So, Judy, what is your six?
27:03I've got stereo.
27:06Two E's, the stereo.
27:07What, sorry?
27:08There's two E's here, right?
27:09Yeah, there are two E's.
27:10Sorry.
27:10Yeah, yeah.
27:12And the tables have turned.
27:17I'm sorry to have to do this, but you're fired.
27:20Yeah.
27:22Anyway, sorry.
27:23Stereo, very good.
27:26Rob, your risky seven.
27:28Yeah, well...
27:29I know, well, first of all, I'm fucked up.
27:34Because it was risky anyway,
27:35but it's even riskier now that I've included a third E.
27:42What else for risky seven?
27:43Oh, no.
27:45Tee-tees.
27:47What?
27:48Tee-tees?
27:49Tee-tees.
27:49I've got a place as a backup for seven, if that's allowed.
27:52No, it's just Rob.
27:53No, OK.
27:56Erm, Tee-tees not in, but Tree-tees.
28:01Tree-tees.
28:01It didn't say Tree-tees.
28:02Fuck it, no, I had it there.
28:03What do you want?
28:04Tee-tees!
28:04Oh!
28:10Six points to Judy Lask.
28:14Susie Spencer, could they have done any better?
28:16Toastier for eight,
28:18Tee-tees for eight,
28:19Tee-tees for eight.
28:20Right, now time for John and Catherine to go head-to-head.
28:23Catherine, your turn to pick the numbers.
28:25You've got to pick a big number.
28:31You have two big ones and four small ones, please.
28:34You can, because two plus four equals six.
28:37Judy, write that down in my coming handy later.
28:40Four little ones.
28:41We have ten, six, five, four, and then your big two.
28:46Fifty and twenty-five.
28:47Can I help you, please?
28:49And the target, 223.
28:51I feel sick.
28:51Okay, your time starts now.
29:24Okay, so your target was 223.
29:28John, did you get it?
29:30224.
29:30A little bit disappointed.
29:32Catherine, did you get it?
29:33Oh, 224.
29:35But I was very pleased with that.
29:37You also got 224.
29:39Mm.
29:39Okay, how did you get it?
29:40That's what I was going for.
29:4125 times 10.
29:4325 times 250.
29:44Five times four.
29:46You got it.
29:4720.
29:48Five times four, 20.
29:50Take away 20 from 250.
29:52And then 230 minus six.
29:54Yeah.
29:54224 went away.
29:55John, how would you have done it had you not been an idiot?
29:58If I hadn't recently been penetrated in the workplace.
30:01LAUGHTER
30:0350 times four is 200.
30:06200.
30:07Add 25.
30:08225.
30:09And then 10 over five is two.
30:10Yeah, well done.
30:15So, John, you didn't get it in time, so seven points for both teams.
30:20Time now to go across to the dictionary corner.
30:22Spencer, what have you got for us?
30:25Well...
30:27When I was younger, my Nan and Grandad had a...
30:31A really, really aggressive parrot called Bobby.
30:34And Bobby was ringside for every single argument my Nan and Grandad ever had.
30:39And he learnt a lot of their swear words.
30:41So I'm going to show you Bobby right now.
30:43But firstly, I've got to put this here, like that.
30:47Like that.
30:48Like that.
30:48Like that.
30:50Like that.
30:51You go to work, Dad.
30:52Yeah.
30:52And go to work.
30:53Like that.
30:55And so that's like that, yeah.
30:57And then grab that.
31:00Like that.
31:02Like that.
31:04Like that.
31:04Like that.
31:05Like that.
31:06Like that.
31:09Every day stuck in this cage.
31:14I just want to fly away.
31:20Every day looking at these walls.
31:26But no one hears my calls.
31:30Who's a pretty boy?
31:31I'm a pretty boy.
31:32Who's a pretty boy?
31:33I'm a pretty boy.
31:35They ask me all the time.
31:36They're always asking me.
31:41Holding this together.
31:46It's a whole lot of feathers.
31:51Oi!
31:53Stop that, you dirty bugger.
31:55Stop that, Derek.
31:56No.
31:57No.
31:58No.
31:58That's not my milk.
32:00That's my milk.
32:01No, you can't park there.
32:03No, stop that.
32:04Derek, that is not my smell.
32:06I did not fart.
32:08Carp out there!
32:10Carp out there!
32:11Stop it, Derek.
32:12I thought it'd be dead by now.
32:14Anyway, just like that.
32:19Fraser Jones, everyone.
32:22And here is your teaser.
32:23The words are our snob.
32:25The clue is thank you, my lady.
32:27That's our snob.
32:28Thank you, my lady.
32:29See you after the break.
32:33APPLAUSE
32:46Welcome back.
32:47The answer to the teaser.
32:48The words were our snob.
32:49The clue was thank you, my lady.
32:51It was, of course...
32:53Baroness.
32:54Well done.
32:55Well done.
32:55Well done.
32:59If you could do it when we can score some fucking points, it might be helpful.
33:03Now, the keen-eyed viewer might have noticed that I've added an extra player.
33:08It's because Rob and Katherine are lagging behind, so I thought I'll give you an extra team member.
33:13Please welcome everyone, comedian John Totill.
33:17Very good to have you, John.
33:19John Totill, it looks like if you asked AI to draw a picture of Henry VIII before he let himself
33:24go.
33:25LAUGHTER
33:27I think I look a bit like your long-lost son.
33:29Oh, my God!
33:32LAUGHTER
33:32You do not look like a family.
33:34Yeah, absolutely.
33:35Hello, darling.
33:39I don't know, I feel like I'm being dragged into the gingers, to be honest.
33:43LAUGHTER
33:43How old are you?
33:45I am almost your age.
33:46I'm 28.
33:48How old are you?
33:49Almost his age!
33:50LAUGHTER
33:52Wow.
33:54How old are you currently, Bob?
33:5539.
33:56So, actually, from where I'm from, old enough.
33:58LAUGHTER
34:01So, John, welcome to the show.
34:03Now, you used to be a teacher, is that right?
34:04Yes, that's right, yeah.
34:05I used to work in a primary school.
34:07I'm slightly worried that I've been brought on here to support the losing team,
34:10but I was not a good teacher.
34:11I was a really bad...
34:13I was, in the words of one of my own students, a dog-shit teacher.
34:16LAUGHTER
34:16I taught year four.
34:19LAUGHTER
34:20Do you think you're going to help this team?
34:21No.
34:22Oh, sorry.
34:23I can't do a countdown.
34:24I really can't.
34:25I can't even count down.
34:27Do you know what I mean?
34:27Counting up?
34:28You should see me counting up.
34:29Fucking hell.
34:30One, two, three.
34:31I could go on.
34:33LAUGHTER
34:33You only practiced once a year at New Year's Eve, didn't you?
34:36Yeah.
34:36Well, no, I used to practice in wet play.
34:38Wet play?
34:38Yeah, but the...
34:39Horrible phrase, isn't it?
34:40Wet play.
34:40LAUGHTER
34:42If I'm honest, if you're a woman over a certain age,
34:45wet play is a good word.
34:47LAUGHTER
34:48John, have you a mascara?
34:50I do, yes, yes.
34:52This is my clarinet.
34:53Oh.
34:53Now, there you go.
34:54I don't make much sense as a person unless you know
34:57that all I did for the first 18 years of my life...
35:02I know, darling.
35:02..was practice clarinet.
35:03Wow.
35:04Now, I haven't come here to brag or anything,
35:06but between you and me, I am what you would call
35:09seriously good at the clarinet.
35:10Wow.
35:11And you know that's true, because why would I lie about that?
35:14LAUGHTER
35:14I'm not coming here going,
35:15the thing is, guys, I'm really good in bed.
35:17I'm not...
35:17I'm nothing to write home about in bed whatsoever.
35:19LAUGHTER
35:19What I'm really good at is the clarinet.
35:22You wouldn't lie about it with the clarinet in your hand.
35:24LAUGHTER
35:25You don't whip that out for wet play, do you?
35:28LAUGHTER
35:30Can we get a little sample of this, er...
35:32Of course you can.
35:35Of course you can.
35:36MUSIC PLAYS
35:38MUSIC PLAYS
35:42MUSIC PLAYS
35:46MUSIC PLAYS
35:46Do you know what I mean?
35:47Wow!
35:50Beautiful.
35:51Beautiful.
35:52Beautiful.
35:52Beautiful.
35:52Yeah, all right.
35:53It is amazing, darling.
35:54It's amazing.
35:55Beautiful.
35:56There's not a dry seat in the house.
35:58LAUGHTER
36:04Look what those fingers can do with a clarinet.
36:06Wait till he gets on a biro.
36:08LAUGHTER
36:08OK, John, Totill, your turn to pick the letters.
36:11Oh, great, OK.
36:12Could I please have a vowel?
36:14He's already more confident than us.
36:16Oh, no.
36:17Could I have a consonant?
36:18M.
36:18Another consonant, please.
36:20D.
36:20Vowel, please.
36:21I feel so confident.
36:22I feel really safe.
36:23I.
36:25Another vowel, please.
36:27A.
36:28Could I have a consonant, please?
36:30T.
36:30Another consonant.
36:32N.
36:33A consonant, please.
36:34T.
36:35And one last vowel, please.
36:37And.
36:37An E.
36:38Can you do this and play the countdown theme on the clarinet at the same time?
36:41I'll give it a go.
36:42I'll put this song to me.
36:43Yeah.
36:45Absolutely, yeah.
36:46OK, and your time starts a two, three, four, now.
36:53It's Yuji Man-Dude Gil.
36:54Oh, gosh!
37:11Can he stop?!
37:14Don't stop!
37:27I've got seven. John, what have you got?
37:30I've got zero. He's got nothing. You've got nothing, you're playing the counter. I was playing the counter. I've got
37:33an alibi.
37:34Yeah. Katherine, you've got? Seven. Judy? Seven. How many? Six, five, four, four, five.
37:40Five. I've got a name. Dante. Nice, classy.
37:45Dante. OK, John, how many? Eight. We're all having fun over it. I think we've done well. You slide your
37:51eight in.
37:51What's your eight? I did that on the Pilates earlier.
37:56Katherine, what's your word? Tainted. Tainted. Oh, nice.
38:01Rob, you're seven. Tainted. Touch, movie, routine, routine.
38:07I love John. It's a lovely guy, but when he's winning, this little weasel comes out.
38:13OK, John, what is your eight? Dominate.
38:17Oh. Oh. Oh. OK, so that's eight points to John.
38:21OK, Spencer, Susie, could they have done any better? Not any better.
38:25We've got two other eights. Antidote and a word I've never heard before. Tomarteen.
38:30Tomarteen. Tomarteen. Yes, it's a compound in tomatoes.
38:32So, at the end of that, John and Judy are in the lead with 38 points.
38:37APPLAUSE
38:39OK, guys.
38:41Time once again to pass to Dictionary Corner.
38:44Spencer, what have you got for us?
38:46Um, well, currently I'm a bit skint.
38:48But eventually you get paid and you go from,
38:49I'm just going to have beans and toast tonight to this guy.
38:53LAUGHTER
38:55Just been paid, didn't I?
38:57LAUGHTER
38:58Put your money away, mate, I'll get these.
39:01Uh, 12 Zambucas, please, mate.
39:03Does anyone else want 12 Zambucas? They're all for me!
39:06Well, while you've been skint,
39:08you've been having a little look online,
39:09you might have been having a look at a new laptop, Susie.
39:12Um, but that little voice in your head,
39:13once you start it, it starts to get louder and louder.
39:16It starts going,
39:17I'm going to buy a step ladder.
39:19LAUGHTER
39:20It's useful.
39:23Heelys.
39:25In my size.
39:26LAUGHTER
39:28So I bought that.
39:32APPLAUSE
39:35And you know, like, everyone's got a rap song
39:37that they swear they know the words to,
39:39but they don't know the words.
39:41You know that song, they don't know the words,
39:42they just know how every word sounds.
39:44Happens in the car with me, a rap song will come and I'll go,
39:46you know, kids, I know this one from back in the day.
39:48Don't know the words, just make up the words.
39:50It's like...
40:12Thanks for James, everyone.
40:16APPLAUSE
40:17And here is your final teaser.
40:19The words are,
40:20Rob's poll.
40:21The clue is,
40:22try and keep a straight face.
40:23That's Rob's poll,
40:24try and keep a straight face.
40:25See you after the break.
40:28APPLAUSE
40:40Welcome back, the answer to the teaser.
40:41The words were,
40:42Rob's poll,
40:43the clue was,
40:43try and keep a straight face.
40:44It was, of course,
40:45bloopers.
40:46OK.
40:47Time for our final letters game.
40:48John and Judy,
40:49your turn to choose the letters.
40:50Go on, King.
40:51Lead.
40:52Wow.
40:54Daddy's got this.
40:55That's not...
40:56Daddy!
40:59Why are you brewing that?
41:02Jimmy's getting his gloves up.
41:05You ready for Daddy?
41:07Daddy!
41:09That's how he eats a sandwich, fucking cereal killer.
41:15May I have a consonant, please, Rachel?
41:18You may.
41:19N.
41:20And a vowel, please.
41:23O.
41:24Oh.
41:24Got two words.
41:26Too low.
41:28And we're going to stick, thank you.
41:32A consonant, please.
41:34L.
41:35And a vowel, please.
41:38U.
41:39And a consonant, please.
41:40R.
41:41A vowel, please.
41:43E.
41:44And a consonant, please.
41:46Q.
41:46OK, while you do that, I've got a patient to see.
41:49A consonant, please.
41:50A consonant, please.
41:51K.
41:52Oh, these are awful.
41:53Eww!
41:54A consonant, please.
41:57And a final G.
41:58Oh, dear.
41:59Lick it out.
42:01OK, next.
42:03Oh, you again.
42:07With the dog breath.
42:08How's the missus?
42:10Are you OK?
42:11I'm going to brush your little teeth-ins.
42:12OK, your time starts now.
42:18You OK?
42:19How are your canines?
42:20Such a good boy.
42:23You want to brush?
42:24Brush, brush?
42:24I don't want to.
42:26It's nice, isn't it?
42:37What?
42:38THEY CONFER
42:38Oh, yeah, I don't like to use.
42:42HE Sckers
42:43I don't care.
42:50Oh, yeah.
42:50Yeah, I don't like to use this.
42:54HE SINGS
42:56LAUGHTER
42:58APPLAUSE
42:59Quite a resemblance.
43:00Go on, you go. You go to Mummy.
43:04APPLAUSE
43:05Catherine, John, Rob, how many?
43:06I've got a five. OK, John.
43:08I've got a three. I'll let you down.
43:10A three. Catherine, how many?
43:12I've got seven, Jimmy.
43:13OK. Judy, how many?
43:15Surprisingly, two.
43:18We've got a seven.
43:19Judy and I...
43:22We've got a seven, yeah.
43:23Judy, what's your two?
43:26No.
43:28John, what's your...?
43:30Noor.
43:31N-O-R.
43:32Noor.
43:33Noor.
43:34Noor.
43:34Yeah, Rob.
43:35Loner.
43:36Loner.
43:37Very good.
43:37John, your seven?
43:40Traditionally on the show, you go with the risky one first.
43:42OK, all right, let's go.
43:43But no, I don't give a shit, cos I'm just...
43:45Do you not give a shit, or are you really annoyed?
43:47I'm here for shits and giggles, mate, and I've already had one.
43:49Can I...
43:50LAUGHTER
43:56L-O-N-G-U-E-U-R.
43:57L-O-N-G-U-E-U-R.
43:58Katherine, is that your seven?
43:59Well, similar.
43:59I've got longer, but I don't...
44:02Oh, lovely.
44:03I think the U2 use for that.
44:05So it's L-O-N-G-U-E-U-R.
44:08Seven points to John.
44:10APPLAUSE
44:15Spencer, Susie, could they have done any better?
44:18No, Langer was ours as well.
44:19Now, whenever we have the clarinet played on the show,
44:23we do something a little bit special.
44:24The traditional countdown is a 29-point conundrum.
44:27LAUGHTER
44:27I look forward to losing that.
44:29You're being patronised, Rob, and I wouldn't stand for it.
44:33OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's 29-point...
44:38..countdown conundrum.
44:39She doesn't know where the buzzer is.
44:42LAUGHTER
44:42Well, in fairness, Judy, we didn't give you a buzzer
44:44because we don't think you're going to need it.
44:47LAUGHTER
44:48OK, fingers on buzzers, it's time for today's
44:50crucial countdown conundrum.
44:52Your time starts...
44:53Go on, John.
44:54At least look.
44:58Oh, you're joking.
44:59Oh, no.
45:01I haven't got it.
45:02Let's restart that.
45:12Oh, no.
45:14It's not a good sound.
45:15It's not a good sound.
45:15Absolutely wrong.
45:17Wrong.
45:17Oh.
45:21Foreigner!
45:22I can't shout that anyway.
45:26LAUGHTER
45:30And let's have a look and see if Judy Love has got the conundrum.
45:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:15Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown Fencing Kit.
46:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:23Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
46:26as all of you for watching at home.
46:27That's it from us.
46:28Good night.
46:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:35Well, fencing geared down and football shirts on
46:39for the AFCON final, Senegal versus Morocco,
46:42live Sunday at half six on E4.
46:44Here next on Channel 4 are the secrets of their comedy genius,
46:49finally revealed in Taskmaster Class.
46:52APPLAUSE
46:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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