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Blackadder (1986) - Stagione 2

Ambientata all'epoca del regno di Elisabetta I. Il protagonista è Lord Edmund Blackadder (interpretato da Rowan Atkinson), un nobile squattrinato, cinico e astuto che cerca di ingraziarsi la potente e lunatica sovrana, rischiando spesso di venire decapitato. Il suo servitore è Baldrick, un misero e stupido omuncolo che cerca di toglierlo dai guai con sghembi piani, stupidi ed inattuabili

#blackadder #rowanatkinson #subita
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02:51Elefante.
02:54Milano, do you wish to see me?
02:56Yes, Edmund. Lord Melchard
02:58has bad news.
02:59Lord Melchard is bad news.
03:03No, be serious.
03:06Melchard.
03:07Unhappily, Blackadder,
03:09the Lord High Executioner
03:10is dead. Oh, whoa.
03:14Murdered, of course.
03:15Oddly enough, no, they usually are,
03:17but this one just got careless one night
03:19and signed his name on the wrong dotted line.
03:22They came for him while he slept.
03:23He should have told them they had the wrong man.
03:25No, he did, but you see, they didn't. They had the right man
03:27and they had the form to prove it.
03:29Bloody red tape, eh?
03:31And the bad news?
03:33The bad news is that actually
03:34there are simply hundreds of Catholics
03:37who desperately want their heads sneaked off
03:39and there's no one to organise it.
03:41Well, I pity the poor sod who gets the job.
03:43No one ever survives in more than a week.
03:45I have taken the liberty, ma'am,
03:47of drawing up a list of suitable candidates.
03:49I don't know...
03:50Lord, oh!
03:51Nice limit!
03:53List for the post
03:54of Lord High Executioner.
03:58Lord Blackadder?
04:06Right, then. Let's take a look, shall we?
04:08Who's first into the head basket, then?
04:11Admiral Lord Effingham
04:13and Sir Francis Drake on Monday.
04:16That should draw a crowd.
04:19Well, sailing enthusiasts.
04:21Oh, yes.
04:22Better make sure there's a few anchors and things
04:24on the souvenir store.
04:26Aye, aye, sir.
04:28Never, ever try to be funny in my presence again, Percy.
04:32Right.
04:33Buckingham and Ponsonby on Friday.
04:37Oh, wait a minute.
04:38Farrow on Wednesday.
04:39Who's Farrow when he's not having his head cut off?
04:42Uh, James Farrow.
04:43Pleasant bloke from Dorchester.
04:44Don't know him?
04:46Never will either.
04:49Yes, and he goes on Wednesday.
04:51Hmm.
04:51It's not right, though, is it?
04:53Well, no.
04:54I mean, now you come to mention it, my lord,
04:55there was absolutely no evidence against young Farrow at all.
04:58It was an outrageous travesty of justice.
05:00Now, it's not right he should be on Wednesday
05:02when we could stick him in on Monday
05:03and have half the week off.
05:06Oh, is he?
05:06Yes, that's right.
05:08Pop him in on Monday.
05:10Right.
05:10Good.
05:11Five dead in two days.
05:12Not a bad start.
05:13Oh, yes, Percy, in the new rough.
05:15Better.
05:16Worse.
05:17The profession today is towards the tiny.
05:20Well, in that case, Percy,
05:20you have the most fashionable brain in London.
05:25Right.
05:25Good morning, team.
05:26My name is Edmund Blackadder
05:28and I'm the new minister in charge of religious genocide.
05:32Now, if you play straight with me, you'll find me a considerate employer.
05:36But cross me and you'll soon discover
05:38that under this playful, boyish exterior
05:41beats the heart of a ruthless, sadistic maniac.
05:45Now, my man, you are?
05:47Jailer, sir.
05:48My lord.
05:49Good.
05:49Well done.
05:50And your name is?
05:50Ploppy, sir.
05:52Yes, sir.
05:54Ploppy the jailer.
05:55That's right, sir.
05:57Ploppy son of Ploppy.
05:59The jailer.
06:00Ploppy son of Ploppy the jailer.
06:02Oh, no, sir.
06:04I am the first Ploppy to rise to be jailer.
06:07My father, Daddy Ploppy, was known as Ploppy the slopper.
06:12It was from him that I inherited my fascinating skin diseases.
06:16Yes.
06:17You are to be congratulated, my friend.
06:20We live in an age where illness and deformity are commonplace,
06:23and yet, Ploppy, you are without a doubt the most repulsive individual of all.
06:28I would shake your hand, but I fear it would come off.
06:32There's no many bosses would be that considerate, sir.
06:36Thank you, Ploppy.
06:37I do my best.
06:38Now then, woman, if indeed you are a woman,
06:42what is your function on death row?
06:44I'm the last meal cook, sir.
06:47The prisoners may ask me for what they fancy for their last meal.
06:51And you cook for them what they desire?
06:52Oh, yes, sir. Provided they ask for sausages.
06:57Otherwise, they tend to get a tiny bit disappointed.
07:00Sausage is all I got.
07:02You are clearly a woman of principle and compassion, mistress, sir.
07:05Ploppy, sir.
07:06Oh, sir.
07:06You are married to a woman.
07:08No.
07:09Many people think that, but it's pure coincidence.
07:13We did laugh when first we found out.
07:16Good morning, mistress Ploppy, he'd say.
07:19And I'd say, good morning, Mr. Ploppy.
07:25The long winter evenings must just fly.
07:30Ah.
07:31And you must be the boy who makes the tea.
07:33No, no, no, no.
07:34No, sir.
07:35No.
07:35He's the executioner.
07:37But he does sometimes make the tea.
07:39Yes.
07:40And your name is?
07:41Aldrich, my lord.
07:43But I'll change it to Ploppy if it'll make things easier.
07:46No, thank you.
07:46I can cope with more than one name.
07:48What are you doing here?
07:49Well, it's a hobby.
07:51It would be more fun, sir, if he were to change his name.
07:55Give the place a more family atmosphere.
07:58A family atmosphere?
07:59This is meant to be a place of pain and misery and sorrow.
08:02That's what I mean, sir.
08:04And mistress Ploppy's a bit of a social realist, sir.
08:08Now then, we're going to run a fast, efficient operation,
08:11and I intend to do as little work as possible.
08:13My deputy, Percy Peer, will explain.
08:20Good afternoon, staff.
08:22My name is Lord Percy.
08:25And if you played there by me, you will find me a considerate employer.
08:29But if you cross me by Jove...
08:32Just tell him the plan, duck face.
08:34My lord, not in front of the staff.
08:36Get on with it.
08:38Right.
08:39Staff.
08:40As you know, we are scheduled to execute Drake and Effingham on Monday,
08:44Lord Farrow on Wednesday, and Buckingham and Ponce's bit on Friday.
08:48But, in order to give us the middle of the week off,
08:52Lord Blackadder has decided to move Farrow to Monday.
08:55Let's just say he's got time off for good behaviour.
09:03Your Majesty.
09:04Yes, Lady Farrow.
09:06My husband dies tomorrow.
09:08I beseech you even if you cannot save his life.
09:11Which I don't think either of us would want, seeing as how he's a horrible traitor.
09:15Of course not, Your Majesty.
09:17But if he must die, may I see him?
09:21But, of course.
09:24What's she asking me for?
09:25Why doesn't she just go along to the execution with everyone else?
09:29No, Your Majesty.
09:31I don't believe she wants to see him die.
09:33I believe she wants to see him before he died.
09:37How odd.
09:39She's not seen him.
09:40I wouldn't marry someone I had never seen.
09:43You should treat marriage a bit more seriously next time.
09:48Oh, come now, Lady Farrow.
09:51Crying isn't going to help your husband now.
09:53No.
09:55Ointment.
09:55That's what you need when your head's been cut off.
09:58That's why your sister Mary, when they done her.
10:01There, there.
10:02I said you'll soon grow a new one.
10:05Shut up, Nancy.
10:06Of course you may see your husband, my dear.
10:09And if that horrid old Edmund tries to stop you, get him.
10:13Yes.
10:14It's a warrant.
10:15Why is there an execution?
10:17Oh, thank you, Mum.
10:18May flights of angels sing you to your rest.
10:22Yes, I'm sure they will.
10:34So they're all dead, are they?
10:36Yep.
10:36All three.
10:37Drake, Effingham.
10:39Farrow.
10:40Splendid.
10:40Any interesting last words?
10:42Well, Farrow was rather moving, my lord.
10:44A great strong man.
10:46He stood there gaunt and noble in the early morning mist.
10:49and in a loud, clear voice he cried out,
10:51My wife might have bloody well turned up.
10:55She's probably shacked up with some new pair of tights already.
10:59Well, unless Lord Percy has anything to do,
11:01either you lot can amuse yourselves
11:02in whatever foul, depraved way you feel fit till Friday.
11:06Thank you, sir.
11:08First off, I've got a few notes on today's show.
11:11On the whole, I was impressed.
11:13They've gone, Percy.
11:15Uh, uh, uh, uh, team?
11:18Team?
11:20My lord, there is a lady outside to see you.
11:22Oh, is she pretty?
11:23I don't know, what do you think?
11:24I don't know, do I?
11:25I haven't seen her yet.
11:30Make yourself scarce, will it?
11:31Oh, what?
11:33Good evening, Lord Blackadder.
11:35Well, it certainly is now.
11:38Perhaps you'd like to slip into something more comfortable.
11:41No, my lord, for there is a great pain in my heart.
11:45It's probably indigestion, I'll soon take your mind off.
11:48It is my husband.
11:49Your husband's got indigestion.
11:51Well, he won't be bothering us then.
11:53No.
11:54He dies tomorrow.
11:56Oh, come, you can't die of indigestion, you're over-dramatising.
11:58He is to be executed at your order.
12:02I am Lady Farrow.
12:04Ah.
12:05And what exactly did you want of me?
12:07I wished to see my husband tonight.
12:10Not really possible.
12:16Lord!
12:17That farrow bloke you executed today, you sure he's dead?
12:20Well, I chopped his head off, that usually does the trick.
12:22Yes, don't get a clever knee-baller.
12:24I just thought you might have locked up a leg or something by mistake.
12:26No, the thing I chopped off had a nose.
12:30I'm so sorry, I've just been consulting my legal people
12:33and I'm afraid there really is no chance of a meeting.
12:36But the Queen told me it would be allowed.
12:38Really?
12:39Yes.
12:40And that if you said no, I should give you this.
12:47Fine!
12:48Fine!
12:49Absolutely!
12:50Why not?
12:52Right, Baldrick, is that all clear?
12:55Yes.
12:56Um, I've killed someone I shouldn't have killed
12:58and now you want me to put a lady on my head and talk to his old bag.
13:01No, I want you to put a bag on your head and talk to his old lady.
13:05Why do I want a bag on my head?
13:07In order, nincompoop, that she should believe that you're her husband.
13:11Well, did he used to wear a bag on his head?
13:15Young, young ploppy here has a point, my lord.
13:18Lord Farrow never wore a bag.
13:20He was an old-fashioned sort of a gentleman.
13:24Well, yes, my lord.
13:25I mean, I hadn't meant to mention it, but I have been wondering all along
13:29why you should think that Baldrick, with a bag on his head, is going to be a dead ringer for
13:32Lord Farrow.
13:33Because he's not!
13:35Look, crittins, the bag is there in order to obscure Baldrick's own features
13:40and many might think, incidentally, that that would be reason enough for him to wear it.
13:44Before I bring in Lady Farrow, I shall explain to her,
13:47inventing some cunningly plausible excuse that her husband has taken to wearing a bag.
13:54She can then chat to Baldrick, imagining him to be the man she married
13:57and the Queen need never know of my little miscalculation.
14:00Why, my lord, that is a brilliant plan.
14:02Foolproof.
14:02You're very kind.
14:03Although there is something lurking at the back of my head that bothers me.
14:08It's probably a flea.
14:09Your lord, Lady Farrow, it's your pleasure.
14:12All right, okay.
14:15Ah!
14:17Lady Farrow, what a real pleasure it is to see you again.
14:20It is my beloved that I shall be pleased to see.
14:23Well, quite, quite.
14:24Though I should warn you that he, er, he will not be quite as you knew him.
14:29You fiend!
14:30What have you done to him?
14:31We have put a bag over his head.
14:35Why?
14:36Well, the thing is, you see, none of the other prisoners have such shapely widows.
14:40They're wives, I do know so.
14:42And therefore, in the interests of the morale of the condemned community, your husband has nobly agreed to wear a
14:48bag.
14:48It was either that or have all the other prisoners in there with you.
14:51How like him to make such a gesture.
14:54Yes.
14:55Yes.
14:56Well, I'll just go check he's bagged up.
15:01Right, Baldus, this is it.
15:03My lord!
15:03What is it now, Ploppy?
15:05I have located my nagging doubt.
15:08It's a small point, but I do now recall that Lord Farrow was considerably taller.
15:15More than a yard taller than young Ploppy.
15:20If you want something that properly, you've got to do it yourself, haven't you?
15:25Anything else I should know?
15:26Oh, yes.
15:27He had a very deep voice.
15:29Big, deep, booming voice.
15:31So quite like mine, then.
15:32No, my lord.
15:33A big, deep, booming voice.
15:34Oh, mine's quite deep.
15:36Not like his.
15:37And, in fact, Lord Farrow was taller even than you, my lord.
15:42Oh, a giant of a man.
15:43Yes, all right, all right.
15:44Don't rub it in.
15:44Percy, you'd better go and have another word with her.
15:48Go on, go on.
15:55Um, sorry about the delay, madam.
15:57As you know, you are about to meet your husband, whom you will recognise on account of the fact that
16:03he has got a bag over his head.
16:06Oh, I would know my darling anywhere.
16:08Well, yes.
16:09There are a couple of other things.
16:10I am prepared for the fact that he may have lost some weight.
16:14Yes.
16:15And some height.
16:18That's the interesting thing.
16:20Uh, you'll probably hardly recognise him at all, actually.
16:23You'll be telling me his arm's grown back next.
16:30Excuse, just for a sec.
16:34You've only got one arm!
16:36Oh, yes!
16:38Oh, well, I'll just have to stick it inside the shirt.
16:40Which one?
16:42Which one?
16:43Which one?
16:45Which one?
16:48Which one?
16:48Um, um.
16:49Uh, how do we know you're his wife?
16:51What?
16:52Uh, well, you know, you could be a, a gloater.
16:55I beg pardon?
16:56Uh, you know, a gloater.
16:57Uh, come to gloat over the condemned man.
17:01I mean, we're up to our ears in gloaters here.
17:03Can I come in for a gloat?
17:05They shout, they shout back.
17:07Oh, you heartless gloaters!
17:10All right, all right!
17:11All right, all right!
17:12Tell you what, I'll believe you're not a gloater if you tell me which arm he hasn't got.
17:20His left, of course!
17:21Now let me see my husband!
17:24Right!
17:25It's the left!
17:26Good luck!
17:28Glutus!
17:28You really are a prat, aren't you?
17:30Yes!
17:31Right!
17:32Now don't forget, in two minutes you interrupt me, all right?
17:34And no more than two minutes, otherwise I'm in real trouble.
17:36And don't forget, because...
17:38Because we're not at home to Mr Cockup.
17:41Correct!
17:46Remember the voicemail.
17:47Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
17:50Enter.
17:53James?
17:54My darling.
17:56How are you?
17:57Oh, fine, fine.
17:59Food's not bad.
18:00Apart from the sausages.
18:02Your voice is somehow different.
18:05Oh, how?
18:06Somehow lighter.
18:07Not as deep nor booming as once it was.
18:11Is that better?
18:13Oh, my darling!
18:16Call me by that name you always called me to show your love is still strong.
18:22Ah, yes.
18:23Look, do you think that this is quite the time and the place for that sort of thing?
18:27Please.
18:29Um, this is the specific, secret little name that I always used to call you.
18:33You want to be called it again, is that right?
18:35Yes.
18:36The one...
18:37The one like your little pumpkin.
18:40The one like your little pumpkin.
18:43But not actually your little pumpkin.
18:45No.
18:46Ah, no.
18:47Right then, my little...
18:49Pumpkney wumpkney.
18:50Oh, my darling!
18:52Oh!
18:52You're home!
18:54What's wrong with it?
18:54What happened to it?
18:56Well, I'm rather hurt.
18:57You don't remember yourself, in fact.
18:58But it was only cut off at the elbow!
19:00Ah!
19:01What happened to the rest?
19:03Ah, yes.
19:03Well, I got into a scrap here with a fellow who called you a nosy little strumpet who was
19:07always going blubbing to the Queen.
19:09Oh!
19:09And we got into a fight and he cut off the top half.
19:12Oh!
19:14Alas!
19:15Yes, of course.
19:15Well, I think you'd better be going.
19:17And Lord Blackadder said he was going to be sending in his servant Baldrick to collect
19:20me.
19:21Perhaps, my lord, he is leaving us for a little longer.
19:25Oh, no.
19:25No, I shouldn't think so.
19:27Baldrick!
19:27It's usually very much.
19:29Perhaps this Baldrick is doing it out of kindness.
19:33Oh, no.
19:33I shouldn't think so.
19:34Baldrick is a very unkind person.
19:36Well, then, let us leap on the moment that we have been given and use it to its full.
19:40What?
19:40Let me do this last thing for you.
19:42What wife could do more?
19:44What?
19:45Oh, I see.
19:46He!
19:47He!
19:48Right!
19:48That's it.
19:48Time's up.
19:49No, it isn't.
19:50Yes, it is.
19:50Come on.
19:51Hang down.
19:53We've had so little time.
19:54May we finish what we began in paradise.
19:57Farewell.
19:57Farewell.
20:01Boy, you bust.
20:04That's a bust.
20:05That was the first time ever in my whole life I've been on this paltry, boring planet
20:12for 30 years, and that's the first time anyone has ever...
20:15But do not despair, my lord.
20:17Your brother petitions the Queen tomorrow morning.
20:20There may still be hope.
20:22What?
20:27Shall I prepare the guest room for Mr Cockup, my lord?
20:32Oh, yes.
20:33Yes, all right then.
20:34Let him off.
20:35He probably is innocent anyway.
20:37My lady, may the heavens rain down radiant jewels and sweetmeats upon you.
20:42Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
20:44And may cherubim and seraphim...
20:49My lady, about Lord Farrow.
20:51I've let him off.
20:52No, no, no, no.
20:53You can't.
20:54He's a complete cad of the first water.
20:57Can't is not a word for princes, Lord Blackadder.
20:59How very true, Your Majesty.
21:02Anyway, I won't be argued with, will I, Nursey?
21:04Well, sometimes, my darling, when you want something very naughty.
21:07Now you won't be argued with absolutely nothing.
21:09Precisely.
21:10So, Lord Blackadder, I want to see Lord Farrow here in one hour.
21:16Meanwhile, I shall spend the time visiting my old friend Lord Ponsonby,
21:21who I believe I'm having killed on Friday.
21:23Come on, Percy.
21:25Let's see if there are any good heads in Traitor's Cloyster.
21:29On the way.
21:35Percy, this is a very difficult situation.
21:38Yes, my lord.
21:39Someone's for the chop.
21:41You or me, in fact?
21:43Yes.
21:45Let's face facts, Percy.
21:47It's you.
21:50Except...
21:50Except...
21:51I may have a plan.
21:53Oh, yes.
21:53Yes.
21:55How about if we get Lord Farrow's head and body,
21:58and we take it to the Queen,
22:00except, except,
22:01just before we get in,
22:03we start shouting and screaming,
22:05and then we come in saying,
22:06we were just on our way when he said something traitorous,
22:09and so we cut his head off in the corridor to teach him a lesson.
22:12Pathetic.
22:14Absolutely pathetic.
22:15Contemptable.
22:17Worth a try.
22:18Where do we put the head?
22:19It's on a spike in Traitor's Cloyster.
22:21Oh, God, well, that's where the Queen's gone.
22:22Did she know Farrow?
22:24Oh, yes.
22:24They were childhood friends.
22:26Well, if she sees his head on a spike,
22:28she'll...
22:28she'll realise...
22:30he's dead.
22:31Yes.
22:32You fix the body.
22:33I'll cover the head.
22:38Hello, Edmund.
22:40Look.
22:41I'm sorry I snapped at you just now.
22:43Oh.
22:44You know I'm really very keen on you indeed, don't you?
22:47Oh, yes, ma'am.
22:48As you were keen on Essex.
22:49Exactly.
22:50Right up to the point at which you had his head gone off.
22:52Oh.
22:53He didn't mind that.
22:54He knew it was only little me.
22:56And I must say his head did look jolly super on its spike.
23:02Are there any heads on spikes today?
23:05Um...
23:05No.
23:07No.
23:08We're training up our new executioner and he's a little immature.
23:11Takes him forever.
23:12Slash, slash, slash.
23:13By the time he's finished you don't so much need a spike as a toast rack.
23:18Well, love, toast.
23:20Still, must be off to say bye-bye to Ponsonby.
23:23Would you care to stroll with me a while?
23:26Just if you've got time.
23:27If you're not too busy.
23:28No.
23:29Sorry, ma'am.
23:29Affairs of office and...
23:30I said, would you care to stroll with me a while?
23:31Just if you've got time.
23:32If you're not too busy.
23:34Yes.
23:35It would make the decade worthwhile.
23:40And in Genoa, tis now the fashion to pin a live frog to the shoulder braid.
23:44stand on a bucket and go bibble at Ponsonby.
23:48Oh, our Italian cousins.
23:51Well, if you'll excuse me, ma'am, I've got some business to attend to.
23:54Certainly.
23:55But first, Edmund, take my hand.
23:59Tell me you'll forgive my former sharpness.
24:06Milady.
24:07Sweet Lord Blackadder.
24:26Oh, Percy.
24:27Well, I've got the body, my lord, and I see you've got the head.
24:30Yes, but look, it's no good, Percy.
24:31No-one's ever going to believe we've just cut it off.
24:33It's gone green.
24:36We're doomed.
24:37Doomed.
24:38Oh, wait a moment.
24:40That's not Farrow, isn't it?
24:41No, that's Ponsonby.
24:43My God.
24:44Ponsonby.
24:45That genius ball rick has killed the wrong bloke.
24:48We're saved.
24:49Saved!
24:50The Farrow is alive and we're saved.
24:52Hooray!
24:53And when the Queen gets back from seeing Ponsonby, we'll...
24:56Oh, God!
24:58Oh, we do!
24:59We do!
25:04It's not very nice here, is it?
25:06Oh, it's not meant to be, my Pikelet.
25:09This is where all the horrid people who don't like you live.
25:11Oh, I suppose so.
25:13It's a bit smelly, too, isn't it?
25:16Oh, well, of course I'm used to that.
25:18In the mornings when you were a little baby.
25:21Shut up, Dorothy.
25:22You!
25:23No, not you.
25:24You're too repulsive.
25:24You!
25:25Yes, Your Royal Majestic Highness.
25:26Bring in Lord Ponsonby.
25:28Yes, Your Royal Majestic Highness.
25:31So strange, Ponsonby turned out to be a traitor.
25:35You would have thought that he'd have had problems enough.
25:38What, with that hunch?
25:39And only having one leg.
25:41Yes, and that terrible speech problem.
25:46Your Majesty.
25:48Lord Ponsonby.
25:52Your Royal Majestic.
25:54Showing about your bag didn't have time to save.
25:59His great grandfather was a king.
26:03Although for only thirty seconds
26:06Went put in charge beheading.
26:09He felt that fame and glory beckoned.
26:13Blackadder!
26:15Blackadder!
26:17No such blooming luck!
26:21Blackadder!
26:22Blackadder!
26:24Elizabeth and Schmuck!
26:28Blackadder!
26:29Blackadder!
26:31Blackadder!
26:32Nothing goes as planned!
26:35Blackadder!
26:36Blackadder!
26:38Blackadder!
26:38Life deals him up on the hand!
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