- 2 giorni fa
- #blackadder
- #rowanatkinson
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Blackadder (1983) - Stagione 1
Ambientata alla fine del medioevo, il protagonista è il principe Edmund Blackadder (interpretato da Rowan Atkinson), un nobile ingenuo e inetto, che cerca di sopravvivere tra intrighi e conflitti di potere.
#blackadder #rowanatkinson #subita
Ambientata alla fine del medioevo, il protagonista è il principe Edmund Blackadder (interpretato da Rowan Atkinson), un nobile ingenuo e inetto, che cerca di sopravvivere tra intrighi e conflitti di potere.
#blackadder #rowanatkinson #subita
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00:00England, November 1487
00:02The battle between the church and the crown continues to rage
00:06And the Duke of Winchester, the greatest landowner in England, is dying
00:12Dying, my lord
00:16Am I dying?
00:18Never
00:18Never
00:20Yet, my son, to pass away the idle hours till your recovery
00:25Let us imagine you yourself were to pass away
00:29To whom would you leave your lands?
00:32Why, to me, of course
00:35Yes, to my beloved king
00:40May your filthy soul be prepared for hell, my son
00:44Help
00:45Yes, hell, where Satan delts his fire
00:49And enormous devils break wind both night and day
00:54The mind is never free from the torrents of remorse
00:58And your bottom never free from the pricking of little fox
01:02No!
01:03Spare me the little fox
01:06What is this nonsense?
01:08Hell, we're the softest bits of your nether regions
01:12Of everybody else's favorite lunch
01:17Forgive me, sire
01:19I will change my will
01:22And leave my land
01:24To the church
01:27What?
01:29Blessed be thy stainless soldier
01:33Ah, you will change your mind later
01:37I know it
01:43I think not
01:45I think not
02:30What news?
02:31Well, my lord, an informed source tells me that the Duchess of Gloucester's given birth to twin goblins
02:35No, no, no, I'm at the peak of Winchester
02:37Oh, he's still hanging on
02:39He must be on his last legs by now, my lord
02:41Yes, but how many sets of legs of that man got?
02:44Really, how does he make up his mind?
02:45Either he dies or he lives forever
02:47It's his shilly-shallying that's so undignified
02:52My lord, I come with tragic news
02:55What, died at last, has he?
02:57Oh, my lord
02:58Oh, I see
02:59Now the idea is that you ask me what the message is before you tell it to me
03:04Quite brilliant
03:05I must say
03:06I was referring to the Duke of Winchester
03:09Oh, my lord
03:11Quite
03:12Let's try to sort this out in words of one syllable, shall we?
03:16Someone has died, is it?
03:18Yes, my lord
03:19Who is it that has died?
03:21The Archbishop of Canterbury, my lord
03:23Are you a critic?
03:24Yes, my lord
03:26The Archbishop of Canterbury?
03:28Oh, no, the king has done it again
03:31That's the third this year
03:33How did this one die?
03:35Horribly, my lord
03:36Any details?
03:38Horribly is all I was given
03:39Ah, Edmund, there you are
03:41My lord, I come with tragic news
03:43I've heard it
03:44Will you go away?
03:45Oh, dear
03:46Edmund, the Archbishop of Canterbury has met with the most tragic accident
03:50There seems to be some confusion
03:51But I think I've fathomed out how it came about
03:54Yes, I think I've got a pretty shrewd idea myself
03:56You see, Archbishop Godfrey was coming out of the Duke of Winchester's room
04:00Who had just died, leaving all his lands to the church?
04:03Well, as a matter of fact, yes
04:04And so the king was really after his blood, presumably
04:07Well, I dare say
04:08But the point of the matter is
04:09That at that moment, round the corner, came Sir Tavis Mortimer
04:12The king's hired killer?
04:14No, no, no, no, no
04:15Mortimer, that tall, rather striking fellow with no ears
04:18Yes, that's him
04:19Well, he killed him
04:20Saw the Archbishop and rushed towards him with his head bowed
04:24In order to receive his blessing
04:25And, uh, and unfortunately killed him stone dead
04:29Oh?
04:30Mortimer was wearing a Turkish helmet
04:32Oh, I see, yes
04:33One of those with the two-feet spike
04:35Coming out of the top?
04:36Yes, one of those things they normally use for butting their enemies in the stomach
04:39And killing them stone dead
04:40Yes, so, presumably he'd forgotten he was wearing it
04:45Well, do you know that's exactly what the poor fellow had done
04:48A tragic accident, tragic
04:50Ah, yes, almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram
04:54Being struck by a falling gargoyle while slimming off beachy heads
04:58And nearly as tragic as poor old Archbishop Wilfred
05:02Slipping and falling backwards onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral
05:06Lord, you do work in me
05:09In mysterious ways
05:10I just don't know how I'm going to break it to his catamite
05:14What a tragic accident, my lord
05:18Accident, my coddling
05:22Who do you think will take over?
05:24Oh, I don't know
05:25It'll be one of the bishop fellows, I should imagine
05:27They tend to go for religious types
05:29Rumour has it, my lord
05:31That the king wants to choose Prince Harry
05:34Really?
05:35Prince Harry, Archbishop, my lord
05:39Claude
05:40Prince Harry, Archbishop
05:43And we all know what happens to Archbishops, don't we?
05:46Yes, they go to Canterbury
05:53Oh, yes
05:56Are you sure about your sauce, Ulrich?
05:58Yeah, it was Jane Smart
05:59You know, she was the one who told me about the Duchess of Kent and the Chocolate Chastity Bill
06:05Well, with Harry gone
06:10The Blackadder will be
06:13King
06:15Next
06:17Today could be one of the most important days of my life so far
06:21Percy, I shall require my most splendid garments for the ceremony
06:24Certainly, my lord
06:25Hat, my lord
06:27Trojan, I think
06:28Boots, my lord
06:29The Italian
06:30And coatpiece, my lord
06:32Well, let's go for the Black Russian
06:35Harry
06:36It always terrifies the clergy
06:39He
06:39He
06:39He
06:40He
06:40He
06:41He
06:53Not really.
06:54Ma'ora, apparelli Lord Wilders is keeping sheep in his bedroom, then nothing on the appointment.
07:00Fair enough.
07:07Are you dressed like a dinosaur?
07:09Come what, sorry?
07:11This enormous nonsense here.
07:17Fingers crossed.
07:21Members of the court,
07:24and clergy,
07:26I have,
07:27at last,
07:28after careful consultation with the Lord God,
07:31his son Jesus Christ,
07:33and his insubstantial friend,
07:36the Holy Ghost,
07:37decided upon
07:39the next Archbishop.
07:43May he last longer
07:45in his post than his
07:47predecessors.
07:49Fat chance.
07:51I appoint,
07:52to the Holy See of Canterbury,
07:56my own son,
08:00Edwin,
08:01Duke of Edinburgh.
08:05Archbishop,
08:07へes zobaczyました!
08:11Projection
08:11Abraham!
08:15What am I telling you?
08:28John!
08:28New draw hands!
08:30Very good, ally!
08:31Ah!
08:32Well done!
08:33Well done, Harry!
08:35Enter!
08:37Ah!
08:38Your Majesty!
08:39Ah!
08:40My Lord Archbishop!
08:41Ah!
08:42There were just a couple of points about my appointment before things really firmed up.
08:48Yes?
08:49Ah!
08:49Personally, couldn't I...
08:51No, you couldn't!
08:52Could I?
08:53And...
08:54Don't be mistaken about this appointment, Edward.
08:56I've always despised you.
08:59Well, you are my father, of course.
09:01And you're biased.
09:04You, compared to your beloved brother Harry, are as excrement as compared to cream.
09:11Oh, my Lord, you flatter me.
09:13And me also.
09:15So now, my boy, when I've at last found a use for you, don't try to get out of it.
09:20No, no, no, no, no.
09:21No, certainly not.
09:22I just wondered whether perhaps another man, um, equally weak-willed and feeble might do just as well.
09:30Ha!
09:31There's no such man!
09:33Oh, no.
09:33No, of course not.
09:35Silly me.
09:36Uh, I...
09:37I thought, though, perhaps, you know, someone who believed in God.
09:41No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
09:42If I didn't someone who believed in God, I'd have chosen Harry.
09:47Not an embarrassing little weed like you.
09:51Oh, well, I think that's everything cleared up.
09:55Goodness, it must be almost time to read a song.
09:57Must be going.
09:58Egbert.
10:04Come here.
10:15A word of advice.
10:18If you cross me now or ever, I shall do unto you what God did unto the Sodomans.
10:27Oh, my lord, I don't think that's a very good idea.
10:29You understand?
10:30Well, I shall make myself available for all eventualities.
10:36Thank you so much.
10:38Thank you.
10:48Flee!
10:53We've got the thumb screws, the foot crusher, the nose hooks, those long rods you rather...
11:02Where's the torch?
11:05Here we go.
11:08Right, let's go.
11:09Archbishop!
11:13Um...
11:14Hello.
11:16Going somewhere?
11:19Um...
11:20Yes.
11:23Where?
11:26Can...
11:27Canterbury.
11:29Good.
11:30Good.
11:32Howdy.
11:32Here we're here with a Camille.
11:35I would hate to see you murdered before your investiture.
11:40Tis it!
11:42Thresh horses!
11:44My lord, if we're going to catch the boat to France you'll have to hurry.
11:48Um...
11:49The boat to France?
11:51Um...
11:51You off to France, Percy?
11:54I thought we all were.
11:56No, no.
11:57Uh...
11:57Harry and I are off to Canterbury.
11:59Aren't we, Harry?
12:02Oh, I see.
12:04You've changed your plan.
12:06No.
12:07No, not really.
12:08The only change is if you could go and put your face in some manure and follow a reasonable distance.
12:15That would be fine.
12:17Great.
12:18And another thing that bothers me, Your Grace, suppose my right hand offends me and I cut it off.
12:25Well, wouldn't my left hand offends me as well?
12:28I mean...
12:29What do I cut it off with?
12:32Ah, yes.
12:33Yes, that is a naughty one.
12:35Yes.
12:48Where is that?
12:49I don't know.
12:51But that tall fellow, he had a face full of manure.
12:55That's what I call style.
13:07You, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, believe in God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost.
13:19Ah, yes.
13:22I then name thee Archbishop of Canterbury and primate of all England.
13:35Ah!
13:36Swoosh!
13:49His investiture over, Archbishop Edmund the Unwilling swiftly adopted the ways of the cloth.
13:57But ever the shadow of his father's threat hung over him, until at last, one day...
14:02Tell me, Brother Baldrick, exactly what did God do to the Sodomites?
14:06I don't know, my lord.
14:08I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other.
14:15Oh, my God, this is it!
14:18Baldrick, go and get me Lord Bishop of Ramsgate!
14:21Get Percy, get Percy!
14:27My life is hanging by a thread.
14:36And if I don't leave my lands to the church, then what?
14:41Then, Lord Graveney, you will assuredly go to hell.
14:46Alas!
14:47Hell, where the air is pungent with the aroma of roasted behinds.
14:54No!
14:54No!
14:57I place my lands in the hands of the church.
15:03And so, bid the world farewell.
15:08What?
15:09The Archbishop not yet arrived?
15:12Not yet, and even if he did arrive!
15:14Wait!
15:15Too late!
15:16Get out of my way!
15:18I have killed a pair of you!
15:19I have killed your brother!
15:21I will abolish the church!
15:23My Lord!
15:24My Lord!
15:25My Lord!
15:26I said out!
15:28Get out!
15:29My Lord!
15:29My Lord!
15:30My Lord!
15:32Wake up!
15:33Wake up!
15:34Wake up!
15:35Ah!
15:38Am I in paradise?
15:41No!
15:41No, not yet!
15:43Then this must be hell!
15:45Alas!
15:45Spare my posterior!
15:47No, you're all right!
15:49It's England!
15:50And you are not Satan?
15:52No!
15:53I'm the Archbishop of Canterbury!
15:55Your Grace!
15:56Yes!
15:56Your Grace!
15:57I have left all my lands to the church!
16:00Am I to be saved?
16:01No!
16:02You treacherous swine!
16:04I...
16:04No!
16:05Wait!
16:06Wait!
16:06Let's...
16:07Let's just take this through in stages, shall we?
16:12Um...
16:13You know the church doesn't really need your land!
16:16Now what it made is a damn good thrashout!
16:19But if I do not gain its blessing, I will surely go to hell!
16:24Hell!
16:25We're tiny tweezers!
16:26Dammit!
16:30Someone like you go to hell?
16:32Never!
16:33Never!
16:34But I have committed many sins!
16:36Oh, well, haven't we all?
16:37Haven't we all?
16:38Haven't we all?
16:38I murdered my father!
16:40I know how you feel!
16:43and I have committed adultery who hasn't more than a thousand times it is 1487
16:55you see I will go to hell
17:16you see the thing about heaven is that heaven is the people who like the sort of things that go
17:24on in
17:24heaven like well singing talking to God watering pot plants is is for people who like the other
17:36sorts of things adultery pillage torture those areas leave your lands to the crown and once
17:48you're dead you will have the time of your life adultery pillage through all eternity
17:57against your tender portions very well I leave my lands to the crown and my soul in the hands of
18:11the
18:11Lord may he treat me like the piece of refuse that I am and send me to hell
18:21I wish I could be coming with you but you know being archbishop I'm so sorry that's right
18:36my son father father my son
18:48who's that look like the kind of peril would kill the archbishop of Canterbury to me
18:54technical
19:01father it's me Pax
19:04yes of course sorry Harry you're improving yes well thank you father good night mother
19:12he's gaining on me he's gaining on me and how was Edmund oh well well very well
19:38I can't understand it Edmund doesn't even like religion oh that's impossible
19:50it's the archbishop of Canterbury yes and the archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little
19:56boy whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in default that was a long time ago it was
20:04last Thursday
20:11hell the boys turned out well a long and healthy life to him
20:26I thank God that in my lifetime never again shall I have to say who will rid me of this
20:33turbulent priest
20:36and what is that it's something that my ancestor Henry the second
20:40once said when he was having trouble with Thomas of Beckett
20:43he was sitting at a table like this with two drunken nights
20:46and he yelled out
20:47who will rid me of this turbulent priest
21:03the archbishop of Canterbury of course
21:09well they went straight off and killed him of course
21:17right now let's get down to business shall we is this one yes a board because we're looking at some
21:22of the ways we can actually make a bit of money on this job
21:27basically there appear to be four major profit areas curses pardons relics and selling the sexual favors of nuns
21:35selling the sexual favors of nuns?
21:37you mean some people actually pay for them?
21:39foreign businessmen, other nuns
21:41well let's see the part
21:43right well this is a fair selection
21:46basically you seem to get what you pay for
21:48they run all the way from this one which is a pardon for talking with your mouth full
21:52signed by an apprentice curate in Tewksbury
21:55how much is that?
21:56two pebbles
21:57all the way up to this one
21:59which is a pardon for anything whatsoever
22:01including murder, adultery or dismemberment of a close friend or relative
22:06who's that signed by?
22:08both popes
22:11curses are pretty much the same really
22:12I've got this one for half an egg
22:16curse
22:17dear anyway
22:18I curse you
22:19and hope that something slightly unpleasant happens to you like an onion falling on your head
22:25well that is the bottom end of the market
22:27they run all the way to this one for four ducats
22:30dear enemy
22:31may the lord hate you and all your kind
22:33may you be turned orange in hue
22:35and may your head fall off at an awkward moment
22:40does this work?
22:41really?
22:43really?
22:43no
22:46moving on to relics
22:48we've got shrouds from Turin
22:53wine from the wedding at Cana
22:56splinters from the cross
22:57then of course there's a little stuff made by Jesus in his days in the carpentry shop
23:03we've got pipe racks, coffee tables, cake stands, bookends, crucifixes, nice cheese board
23:14fruit bowls, waterproof sandals
23:18I haven't finished this one yet
23:19but this is disgraceful my lord all of these are obviously fake
23:23yes
23:24but how will people be able to tell the difference between these and the real relics?
23:29they won't
23:29that's the point
23:30well you won't be able to fool everyone
23:34look
23:37I have here
23:39a true relic
23:40what is it?
23:42there's a bone
23:44from the finger of our lord
23:47it cost me 31 pieces of silver
23:50good lord
23:51is it real?
23:52it is my lord
23:55baldrick you stand amazed
23:56ah
23:57I thought they only came in boxes of ten
23:59I could have given my own lines if you could have
24:02what?
24:03yeah
24:03your fingers are really big at the moment
24:05mind you
24:06for a really quick sale
24:07you can't beat a nose
24:09for instance this is the sacred appendage compendium party pack
24:13you get Jesus' nose
24:15St. Peter's nose
24:17a couple of St. Francis' nose
24:20and er
24:21oh no they're Joan and Arx
24:22you bastard verger
24:25I'll show him
24:30I'll show him
24:35good evening
24:36and er
24:37and what can I do for you?
24:40well
24:40we're here to murder the Archbishop of Canterbury
24:45Mary's enemies
24:47we fear he may be in danger
24:50really? how?
24:51well let me see
24:53perhaps
24:54good king richard
24:55angry with the archbishop for some reason
24:58don't it was
24:58might well send two drunken knights
25:01freshly returned from the crusade
25:03crusade
25:04on a mission to weak vengeance on him
25:07that's a good point
25:09it has happened before
25:10quite
25:10yes it is
25:11I'm sorry I didn't quite catch your names
25:15George Dabaugh
25:16how do you do?
25:18Justin de Boino
25:20two drunken knights
25:22special return from the crusades
25:23and here on a mission for good king richard
25:25god bless
25:26amen
25:27and your mission?
25:29well as I said
25:30we're here to kill
25:32a bit of time
25:33yes
25:35before our next crusade
25:37oh right
25:38yes
25:38well I'll
25:39I'll just go and get him
25:40come in
25:41come in
25:41come in
25:42ah
25:44baldrick
25:44couple of knights here to see the archbishop
25:48oh my god
25:52monks
25:55my lord I've got something to say that's construction
25:57it's one about the nuns of Uppingham and the candelabra
26:01don't bother I've heard it
26:02no the fact is
26:03there's two men outside who've come to kill you
26:07what?
26:11I'm sorry
26:11I'm terribly sorry about this
26:13I'll just see what the delay is
26:15please do
26:15help me
26:17look
26:18what's going on?
26:19those two men have come to kill us
26:20oh come on
26:21honestly baldrick
26:22just because a couple of people have a bit of breeding
26:24you assume they're bound to be mindless killers
26:27oh my god
26:28there's no way out
26:30help
26:31help
26:32help
26:32oh my god
26:34help us
26:49they've dropped off
26:57oh my god
27:00my dammit
27:01they must have gone down the secret passage to the nunnery
27:16little sisters of indolence
27:18three men came in
27:19which way did they go?
27:21oh
27:22I think they went
27:23that way
27:25god bless you
27:28wait
27:29Jaffir
27:31they'll be watching out for us dressed like this
27:33quick
27:34in here
27:50great sister
27:51have you seen two burly nights pass this way?
27:54erm
27:55no sister
27:57no's the pity
28:00why don't you try
28:02why don't you try
28:03that way
28:03thank you very much
28:04you're welcome
28:13and yet mother superior
28:15does not St Paul say in the Ephesians
28:18a woman is like a bat
28:21often heard
28:23often heard
28:23but never seen
28:24no I don't think so Sarah
28:27what's up?
28:28shall we check the dormitory?
28:31oh yes mother superior
28:32what a good idea
28:39oh
28:40oh
28:41girls
28:41girls
28:42girls
28:43if I told you once
28:44I told you a thousand times
28:46fighting in the dormitory is completely forbidden
28:48who is the ringleader here?
28:51you
28:51yes you
28:52the plane girl
28:57oh my god
28:58it's the Archbishop of Canterbury
29:02and a man
29:05I think I can explain
29:11and that sweet lady is the whole story
29:14let us go over the facts again
29:16having been appointed Archbishop
29:18you found that all your interest lay in the beauty of your vestments
29:22ah
29:22the fine embroidery
29:24unable to resist the slide into depravity
29:27you began to dress up in the habit of a nun
29:30I could not resist the texture of the hessian under things
29:34oh I can understand that
29:36then you forced the Bishop of Ramsgate
29:39and one brother Baldy to do so also
29:42oh may I be cursed for it
29:44and finally
29:45you got two knights drunk
29:47and invited them to come and wrestle with you inside the nun
29:50in an orgy of heathen to their surprise
29:53this shit
29:54well there's an unsakeable ring of truth
29:57and I must therefore tell you
29:59that this morning I have written urgently
30:01to all three popes recommending your immediate excommunication
30:04never more may you be Archbishop of Canterbury
30:08oh dear
30:09oh dear
30:11that's enough sister Saria
30:12I think he's learnt his lesson
30:14sorry
30:16oh
30:17oh
30:17oh
30:18oh
30:18oh
30:18oh
30:19oh
30:19oh
30:19oh
30:19oh
30:19oh
30:19oh
30:19oh
30:19oh
30:19oh
30:20oh
30:20oh
30:21oh
30:21oh
30:21oh
30:29oh
30:32oh
30:33oh
30:37oh
30:38oh
30:40oh
30:40oh
30:40oh
30:42oh
30:42oh
30:42oh
30:42oh
30:45oh
30:53Quack, the nunnery's on fire!
31:16Blackadder, he rides a pitch-black steed!
31:23Blackadder, Blackadder, he's very bad indeed!
31:30Black, his gloves are finest mould!
31:33Black, his codpiece made of metal!
31:38His horse is blacker than a vole!
31:41His pot is blacker than his kettle!
31:48Blackadder, Blackadder, with many a cunning plan!
31:56Blackadder, Blackadder, you horrid little man!
32:02Alas! The corruption of the world!
32:05Yes, alas, Mother Superior!
32:07I'm tired and weary. You may leave me now.
32:10Very well.
32:11Alas!
32:13So, presumably, you won't be needing the unicorn tonight?
32:17No.
32:18No, not tonight, sir.
32:20No, not tonight!
32:20No, not tonight!
32:26No, not tonight!
32:29No, not tonight.
32:30So, we'll get here!
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