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The Last Leg - Season 34 - Episode 07
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00:02Get up, throw your hands in the air
00:03Run and run and run
00:04Thank you for letting us be ourselves
00:06So don't mind me if I repeat myself
00:08These simple lies be good for your health
00:11Keep them find rhymes getting soft
00:13Live my life like I just don't care
00:155-5's and leaders never scared
00:18Raving noise is the moment they fear
00:20Get up, set up here for our door
00:22Get up, throw your hands in the air
00:25Get up, it's coming over again
00:27Get up, get up, get up!
00:38Salute a magpie, secure your mirrors and knock on your wooden leg.
00:41It's Friday the 13th, we're live, and it's time for The Last Leg.
00:47Tonight on the show, America and Iran trade shots.
00:50We crack open a cold one at the Winter Paralympics.
00:53And our banknotes get a refreshing spritz.
00:57Plus, we'll be joined by comedians Richard Ayoade and Michelle Wolfe on the show that
01:02always laps up the news.
01:12G'day.
01:15Hi, I'm Adam Hill.
01:17Welcome to The Last Leg, the show that saw this photo released today of Andrew Epstein and
01:21Mandelson and thought, that's the hardest game of shag, marry, kill ever.
01:26As always, it's the pride of Dartmoor, Josh Whittacombe, and the man who thought the
01:29Strait of Hormuz was the Middle Eastern equivalent of Queer Eye, Alex Broca.
01:39Loads to get through tonight, loads to get through, but before we do, every now and then,
01:43okay, so something happens before the show, and it happened tonight, and it always happens.
01:46When Josh and Alex come out here, I introduce them to the audience, and we always do a little
01:50bit of a fist bump, or shake hands or whatever.
01:52And last week we did, Josh and I did the, because we're cool middle-class, middle-aged
01:57men, aren't we?
01:58And then we got to Alex and did the fist bump, and I did, and I went, oh, you can't
02:03do it.
02:04No, no, no, I don't, I mean, mainly because, like, I am 41, not a jock in High School Musical,
02:12but no, I can't, I can't believe, but you've been doing that to me for so long.
02:17Yeah.
02:18For so long you've been doing it, and you've only, you've only just, like, you've only just
02:21noticed, you're the only one that climaxes.
02:24You're such an unattentive.
02:26But no, I don't, I do kind of, I kind of, I pay, I do a little bit, it's not
02:31really an
02:32explosion, is it?
02:32It's more just a little sprinkle of, like, napalm, which is also what my Scottish mates
02:39call me, but.
02:40I mean, it all, to be honest, I mean, yeah, I felt really bad about this.
02:45I felt really bad about this.
02:46But then, look, you did feel bad, and I felt bad that you felt bad, because on the plus side,
02:51like, if you did it to Josh, and went, poof, and then you came up to me and went, eww.
02:56Fuck that.
02:58Imagine if I did that to Josh, I went, poof, and then I looked to you and went, oh, the
03:01explosion's already happened.
03:05So I felt, so I've had something made up for you, it's a little present here, I've had a
03:10fist made up, that when you give me a fist bump, a little explosion will happen.
03:16So, can you, all right, you ready?
03:18Okay, I hope this is going to work, ready?
03:20One, two, three.
03:21Whoa!
03:24We made the explosion.
03:29It doesn't stop.
03:31You look like you've wanked off a troll now.
03:35But am I allowed to keep this?
03:36Yeah.
03:37I'm going to have a good, bad after this show.
03:43All right.
03:46Look, we are live, as Penny Mordent found out last week.
03:51So you can send any questions you want to ask us about the news.
03:55Instagram, hashtags, is it okay?
03:57WhatsApp, the number's 07956175908.
04:00You can scan the QR code on your screen.
04:02For example, is it okay that the Bank of England is going to replace historical figures with images
04:07of UK wildlife on its next series of banknotes, and it's going to let the public choose which animals?
04:14No!
04:15Because if I know the British public, those animals will be Peppa Pig, Gromit, and a fox eating a nappy
04:20out of a bin.
04:22Before you know it, all paper money will be called Notey McNoteface.
04:26So they've gone for animals, haven't they?
04:29That's what they're going to put on.
04:30Is it basically because they're worried now with people, you don't know who's going to get cancelled anymore in the
04:35future?
04:35So they think they're safe going with animals, but you wait until they find out that there's a squirrel named
04:41in the Epstein files.
04:45Nigel Farage spoke out about that this week, and a lot of people have, blaming wokery or PC gone mad.
04:50But the truth is, there was a public consultation.
04:5360% of people chose wildlife, and Nigel Farage should know you have to respect the will of the people.
04:59Lib Dem leader Ed Davey was also up in arms, although his message seemed more accidentally comedic.
05:05Winston Churchill helped save our country and the whole of Europe from fascism.
05:11He deserves better than being replaced by a badger.
05:15Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
05:20Guys, the next bit is, replace him with two badgers.
05:24Ha ha ha ha ha!
05:24In a long coat, like they're going to the cinema.
05:28Ha ha ha ha ha!
05:29Look, it's not like Winston Churchill's being erased from history.
05:31He's still remembered by the war rooms, the statue in Parliament Square, the dog in the adverts.
05:36Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
05:38Look, we thought we'd do something different tonight.
05:40We've got a comedian and illustrator of the best-selling Adam Kay books, Henry Packer, here.
05:44And he's going to draw a banknote throughout the show tonight.
05:49Henry, thank you so much for being here.
05:50Absolute pleasure.
05:51Can we start, though, with my suggestion?
05:54A quick illustration of a fox eating a nappy out of a bin.
05:57OK, a fox eating a nappy out of a bin, OK, let's do it.
06:02Erm, so, start with the nose.
06:05This is a classic UK fox.
06:07Yep.
06:08Erm, OK, so, that's the gob.
06:11This has changed into a very different show, hasn't it?
06:14LAUGHTER
06:14There we go, the triangular ears, the key feature.
06:17Well, that is a good fox, isn't it?
06:19The nappy.
06:20Yep.
06:20So, it's out of a bin.
06:21Right, so, yeah, as an illustrator, we tend to go for the old-school bins.
06:25It's the, erm...
06:28Oh, lovely.
06:28It's a classic.
06:29Yeah, yep.
06:31Erm...
06:32Soil's nappy?
06:34Yeah, of course.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:36Who throws out a clean nappy?
06:39LAUGHTER
06:39Fair dues.
06:40Level of soiling?
06:41LAUGHTER
06:42Oh, no.
06:44Oh, Brooker on a Saturday morning.
06:48LAUGHTER
06:49OK, so, that's a really, really deeply heavy soil.
06:53Yeah, perfect, lovely.
06:54There's some dripping going down the side of the bin.
06:55OK, erm...
06:57Right, so, the fox...
06:58OK, oh, yes.
06:58For the fox, erm...
07:00Do you want it on a stepladder?
07:02To be, erm...
07:04To be able to reach the...
07:05Or high heels, that's the choice.
07:06Or can it be both?
07:09I've never done that before, but let's try it, yeah.
07:11LAUGHTER
07:11So, the front legs are on a stepladder.
07:14There we go.
07:14Imagine people just tuning in thinking,
07:16Alex Brooker's got better, innit?
07:18LAUGHTER
07:20LAUGHTER
07:20OK, they've got the classic tail, obviously.
07:22Yep, lovely.
07:23And the rear legs in a nice pair of, erm...
07:28Nice, quite sexy...
07:30Oh, lovely, yep.
07:32Sexy high heels.
07:34Erm...
07:34And, erm...
07:35Just as an illustrator, I'm legally bound, if I draw a bin,
07:38to draw a, er...
07:39fish skeleton...
07:41.. sticking out of it, and a banana skin in the foreground.
07:44Er...
07:45Also, here's just some shit UK weather.
07:48LAUGHTER
07:50And, erm...
07:51Yeah.
07:52There you go.
07:53That's...
07:53I mean, for me, that's the fiver.
07:55APPLAUSE
08:01Er...
08:02Throughout the show, Henry's going to be creating, er...
08:04a pound note based on, er...
08:06whatever we talk about in the show, basically.
08:08Yep.
08:08Whatever comes up, it's going to go on the note.
08:10Erm...
08:10Thank you, Henry.
08:11All right, let's get into the big story now.
08:13Joe said, is it OK that the chaotic war has continued
08:15between US, Israel and Iran?
08:17Good luck, Henry!
08:20LAUGHTER
08:22Er...
08:22This week, America and Israel continued to take Iran and Lebanon.
08:26Meanwhile, Iran fired missiles at everything in sight.
08:28It kind of feels like Iran right now
08:30is basically the kid at school in a fight
08:33who just does this.
08:34LAUGHTER
08:35To try and take everyone out.
08:36It's really hard to do without hitting the desk.
08:38Erm...
08:39Iran are hoping they can cause enough disruption
08:40to the world's energy supplies
08:42that they can stop America and Israel from attacking them.
08:45Now, they can do this,
08:46because 20% of the world's oil and gas supplies
08:49pass through something called the Strait of Hormuz,
08:51which is right below Iran.
08:53Supposedly... Oh, sorry, Josh.
08:54Isn't that just the start of EastEnders?
08:56LAUGHTER
08:59You know what's interesting?
09:01And as the bombs fell last week, they went...
09:02Boof! Boof!
09:04LAUGHTER
09:05Oh, yes!
09:07APPLAUSE
09:11So, what I found out this week is basically,
09:13for the ships...
09:14The ships that are getting through...
09:16Yep.
09:16Basically, the way they're getting through
09:17to avoid being hit by Iranian missiles,
09:20what they're saying is,
09:21is that they're saying they're from China.
09:23Right.
09:23So, basically, it's like,
09:24it's all right for them to pretend to be Chinese,
09:26but, Josh, you did it once when we went out for that meal...
09:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:29Don't draw that!
09:32LAUGHTER
09:34It's kind of mad to go to war with someone
09:35who controls something you need to survive.
09:38That's like starting an argument with the anaesthetist
09:39right before an operation.
09:41And I still regret it.
09:44LAUGHTER
09:44Honey went in for an ingranto now.
09:47LAUGHTER
09:47Well, to be fair, you haven't got one now.
09:50LAUGHTER
09:52LAUGHTER
09:54Petrol prices in America have jumped 20%
09:56since the start of the war.
09:58Donald Trump is clearly spooked.
10:00Watch this enlightening clip.
10:01The President subtly deflecting the blame
10:03for attacking Iran,
10:04while throwing his mates under a bus
10:06that's now 20% more expensive to refuel.
10:08LAUGHTER
10:09In my opinion, based on what Steve and Jared and Pete
10:14and others were telling me,
10:16Marco was so involved,
10:17that I thought that they were going to attack us...
10:22It's...
10:22It sounds like so playground, doesn't it?
10:25Like he started a war based on gossip.
10:28It's like, yes, Jared's gone up to him and gone,
10:29by the way, Donald, um,
10:31the Isle of Toller reckons he can have you.
10:33LAUGHTER
10:33Also, he says you drive a girl...
10:35You ride a girl's bike.
10:36LAUGHTER
10:37Yeah, I mean, World War I may have started
10:38with the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
10:40World War III might start
10:41because of Jared, Steve and Pete.
10:44LAUGHTER
10:45They sound like three guys in your chat group
10:47whose videos you don't want to open at work.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:51You're presenters of the Australian Last Lake.
10:52LAUGHTER
10:53And you're still bitter about them getting the job on you.
10:56LAUGHTER
10:56I...
10:57When I heard this clip,
10:58I heard something different to everyone else.
10:59Yep.
10:59I think he's blaming the war
11:01on former Liverpool captain Stephen Gerrard.
11:05LAUGHTER
11:05Watch again.
11:06OK.
11:06I've watched it quite a lot today.
11:08Yep.
11:08My opinion, based on what...
11:11Steve and Jared...
11:13LAUGHTER
11:14LAUGHTER
11:15Wow.
11:15LAUGHTER
11:18I'm just saying it.
11:20Do you know what?
11:20Jamie Carragher was in his ear.
11:23LAUGHTER
11:24Stefan Honsho was giving him all that.
11:27LAUGHTER
11:28The war of memes continued this week.
11:30The White House released this truly tasteless video
11:32that made the war look like a game on Nintendo Wii.
11:37The War of Money.
12:04I mean, it's appalling, right?
12:06And it's not accurate, because if it was,
12:08he would have let go of the bowling ball
12:09and hit the school next door.
12:12Iran have hit back, actually,
12:13with one that's depicted in Mario Kart,
12:16but obviously Princess Peach isn't allowed to drive.
12:19Iran did actually hit back
12:20with their own homemade Lego video.
12:22This is... I'm not making this up.
12:24This is what they put out.
12:25This explains why they think Donald Trump started the war.
12:41They are totally winning.
12:44The UK are also planning a video of their own,
12:46but it's going to take four years
12:47for Aardman Studios to make it out of clay.
12:51But it is going to be the best one.
12:53Oh, mate, can't wait for Wallace and Gromit
12:55got the wrong targets.
13:00So everyone's asking,
13:01what's the end game for Donald Trump?
13:02What are they hoping to achieve out of all of this?
13:04This is the thing, though.
13:05Any time in history,
13:07when you go into the Middle East,
13:08like when there's a war,
13:09these wars are not over quickly.
13:11Yeah.
13:11No one ever goes into the Middle East
13:13for a quick one.
13:14It's like a beer garden.
13:17Middle East, it's like a beer garden.
13:18You know, you go in there,
13:19you say you're everyone,
13:20it escalates.
13:21Always escalates,
13:22and before you know it,
13:23someone's like,
13:23shots?
13:25Jager bombs?
13:27Yeah?
13:29Was there in a third?
13:31No.
13:33I'll be honest with you,
13:34it was a little bit sunny earlier,
13:36and I was just thinking about beer gardens.
13:38Before you know it,
13:39the Strait of Hormuz has backed up.
13:42The US military have reportedly...
13:44The US military have been using an AI model
13:47known as Claude
13:48to speed up the process of choosing targets.
13:51So does it talk to them?
13:53Like when I talk to chat GPT?
13:55I'm assuming, yeah.
13:56You think you're bombing the Middle East?
13:58That sounds like an excellent idea.
14:00Do you think it's something?
14:01So it's...
14:02So people...
14:03The madness is the US using it.
14:05Yeah.
14:05Using AI to choose military targets.
14:07Yes.
14:08At the same time as people who are using AI
14:10to choose a present for Mother's Day.
14:12Yep.
14:13Imagine if they got confused
14:14and they just started bath bombing Iran.
14:19Why is the Strait of Hormuz
14:20covered in glitter and petals?
14:23How long were you in that beer garden?
14:26I'm in the image of someone going,
14:27Alexa, take out the Ayatollah.
14:29And it's like,
14:30did you say kill the Dalai Lama?
14:31No, Alexa, no, no.
14:33Sorry to everyone at home
14:34whose Alexa has just gone off.
14:36And the Dalai Lama.
14:38On Sunday, Iran announced
14:39they had chosen a new Supreme Leader,
14:41Moshtaba Kemeni,
14:42who will be taking over from his late father.
14:44Although there are now reports
14:45he may have been injured
14:46in the attack that killed his father.
14:47Might even be in a coma.
14:49So we're hoping he doesn't wake up and say,
14:51hello, my name is Moshtaba Kemeni.
14:53You killed my father.
14:54Prepare to die.
14:56He released a statement this week
14:57which prompted the Telegraph
14:58to run with the headline,
14:59Moshtaba Kemeni has called for Iranian unity,
15:01but he may not be alive.
15:04This whole war might come down
15:05to whether we run out of oil
15:06before they run out of Ayatollahs.
15:08Who do you reckon's next?
15:10They're going to get through them.
15:11I've got an idea.
15:12There's someone who's looking
15:14for a new royal title.
15:19And he doesn't mind hot places
15:21because he doesn't sweat.
15:24He has to keep moving.
15:25Exactly.
15:27You know his nickname,
15:28the Ayatollah of Partiola.
15:31By the way,
15:31it was also revealed this week
15:32the new Ayatollah owns various properties
15:34across London.
15:35They're currently available to rent
15:36on surface-to-wear B&B.
15:38And from Ayatollah to loves a dollar,
15:41Donald Trump has been handing out
15:43his favourite brand of affordable dress shoes
15:45to his aides and officials.
15:46And a lot of them are apparently,
15:48reportedly afraid
15:49not to wear them in front of him.
15:52Look, there they are,
15:53putting the bro into brogues.
15:55Has anyone wondered
15:56whether this might be like Cinderella?
15:59And Trump has actually danced
16:00with a beautiful senator at a party
16:02and he's just trying to find out
16:03who wore the shoe?
16:06And in fairness,
16:06he's already turning into a pumpkin.
16:09I'm looking forward to
16:10when he starts handing out his bronzer.
16:15And then goes,
16:15can I recommend a barber, guys?
16:18Meanwhile,
16:18the defence attaché to the UAE
16:20has made the media this week
16:21mainly because of his name.
16:22This is a lovely image
16:24of the sandy-haired military leader
16:25known as Captain Sandy Sandylands.
16:29Which sounds like
16:29he's been named by the British public.
16:33The thing with Sandy Sandylands
16:34is once you have a bit of him somewhere,
16:36you just can't get rid of him, can you?
16:38Well, we loved the idea
16:39of Sandy Sandylands.
16:41Oh, I love him.
16:41And it turns out
16:42he's a slight fan of the last leg
16:44because we've been in contact
16:45and he's on a Zoom chat with us now.
16:48So, hello.
16:49Is he frozen?
16:52Yes, he has frozen.
16:53That's not him,
16:54but he has frozen.
16:55Oh, has he?
16:56Sandy Sandylands,
16:56are you there?
17:00No.
17:00This does not auger well
17:01for our military technology.
17:05He might have another call
17:06coming in, in fairness to him.
17:08You know when we said
17:10Aardman would be looking
17:11after the British technology?
17:12It does feel we're going
17:14at a slower pace than that.
17:15I'm not going to say
17:16I'm worried right now,
17:17but we're trying to connect
17:18with a British military officer
17:19in the Middle East
17:20and I just heard in my ear
17:21he's completely gone.
17:23I think he's fine.
17:24Just to be very clear,
17:25this isn't a sketch
17:26we genuinely were
17:28trying to get in contact.
17:29It now feels like
17:30we're playing a prank.
17:31Yeah.
17:32It turns out he's downloading
17:33a movie at the same time
17:34as he's trying to sing.
17:35Right, let's move on
17:36and welcome tonight's guests.
17:38One of them tries not to laugh,
17:39the other one will make a howl.
17:40Please welcome Richard Ayoade
17:41and Michelle Wolf.
17:42Oh!
17:44Oh!
17:45Great as well, mate.
17:49Welcome.
17:50Welcome.
17:51Hi.
17:52Welcome.
17:53Oh, you're my...
17:54Welcome.
17:57Welcome, sir.
17:58Welcome to you both.
17:59All right, Michelle,
18:00I'm going to throw it at you.
18:01You're American.
18:01What do you make of all this
18:02that's gone on in the Middle East
18:04and Iran and everything?
18:05And Donald Trump?
18:06Well, I just...
18:07Everyone says that Trump has dementia
18:09and I just...
18:10I was wondering if he could get more of it.
18:13Not enough dementia happening in the world?
18:15He does not.
18:15I don't think he has enough.
18:17He seems to really remember
18:19who he's angry with.
18:20Yeah.
18:20And now we're at war with Iran,
18:23which could last a very long time.
18:25I mean, these wars are never quick.
18:27This war could go on for so many years
18:29that Trump wouldn't want to have sex with it anymore.
18:32LAUGHTER
18:35And now we're, you know,
18:38we're supposed to trust our leaders
18:40and you can't trust Trump with anything.
18:43You can't trust him with ordering an appetizer
18:45or picking the music
18:47or what fruit is ripe.
18:51You can't trust him.
18:52Hey, does that taste good?
18:54Hey, does this look good?
18:55You couldn't trust him with real estate
18:57or spray tan or make-up coverage.
19:01And now he's sitting next to the nuclear codes.
19:04And I think the only thing more alarming
19:06is if you went to your secondary school
19:08and Andrew was there.
19:09LAUGHTER
19:10And the whole world's being affected, obviously.
19:13Petrol, people are stocking up on petrol.
19:14Richard, are you stockpiling anything?
19:16I mean, I'd be looking to, uh, stockpile cravats.
19:21LAUGHTER
19:22Because, you know, I want to remain sport...
19:25It's very...
19:25It's hard enough to get a good dry cleaner in peacetime.
19:28LAUGHTER
19:29So, and these things, they're delicate.
19:31They're very delicate.
19:32You can hand wash them, but they'll fade.
19:35LAUGHTER
19:35Do they pass through?
19:36You know, I need to maintain standards.
19:39Someone's got to look like a Columbo villain.
19:41LAUGHTER
19:42After the apocalypse.
19:44Have you ever worn anything, uh,
19:46purely because someone gave it to you?
19:47This has been taken from a military dictator.
19:51LAUGHTER
19:51And hopefully I'll be able to travel there
19:53immediately after this joke works itself out.
19:56LAUGHTER
19:59LAUGHTER
19:59LAUGHTER
20:00Uh, now, we didn't get to talk to Sandy Sandiland.
20:03Oh, is he here?
20:03This is a shame.
20:04No, no, no, but you've come up...
20:05You've come up with a game based on his name.
20:07Based on it, yeah.
20:07In honour of Sandy.
20:09So, we were inspired by Sandy Sandiland.
20:12So, we came up with our own name,
20:13our own game, which is about nominative determinisms.
20:16So, we're, of course, calling it
20:18That Job's My Name.
20:19That Job's My Name.
20:21That Job's My Name.
20:23That Job's My Name.
20:24That Job's My Name.
20:27APPLAUSE
20:33APPLAUSE
20:35OK, the gameplay is simple.
20:37We're going to show you a job and a name,
20:39and these are real or fake people.
20:42You have to tell us
20:43whether this person really does the job.
20:46To lock the answers in, we've given you very simple props.
20:49If you think it's true, put on the Trilby of Truth.
20:51Brooke will show you that.
20:53Yep, there you go.
20:54You basically just...
20:55Hang on a second.
20:55You just put it on like that, really.
20:57Yep.
20:58And if you think it's false, put on the fedora of false.
21:00Sorry, I love that you went,
21:01I might need to explain how to wear a hat.
21:04The fedora of false?
21:05Put that on, Hilsie.
21:06Put that on, Hilsie.
21:07OK.
21:07There you go.
21:08There's a fedora.
21:08And whoever we...
21:09The fedora of false leg over there.
21:10Oh, look at that.
21:11Look at that.
21:13There you go.
21:14How's that?
21:14Blimey.
21:14That's the most Australian man I've ever seen in my life.
21:18Now, there is a mystery prize for the winner.
21:21Here's the mystery prize.
21:22Here it is.
21:22There it is.
21:24Let's unveil...
21:25It's not much of a mystery, it's a box.
21:28Let's unveil the first name.
21:31Brooke, read it out.
21:32Is there a urologist called Dr Dick Chop?
21:39I've seen this urologist.
21:42I can tell you, the answer is...
21:44It's true!
21:45Correct!
21:51I feel like that hat looked better on me than I thought it would.
21:54Is the president of the Royal Horticultural Society called Tim Flowers?
22:03I mean...
22:04Oh!
22:05They're taking it more seriously than I thought, Alex!
22:08I've got to say, a lot of these are guesses.
22:09Yeah, I would also...
22:11I feel like there's a guy named Tim Flowers that would love to work with flowers, but he doesn't.
22:17Wow.
22:17I can tell you, the answer is...
22:18It is false.
22:19It is false.
22:20You guys got that guy again!
22:21But he is called Keith Weed.
22:24Right.
22:25There's also a urologist.
22:27Yeah.
22:29Very much.
22:31It's where my man is.
22:31I like the way you made the joke and then flipped the hat.
22:36Next one.
22:38I can't demonstrate that.
22:39Right then.
22:39Is there a man who runs a temp agency called Steve Jobs?
22:46I thought he was dead.
22:49True.
22:52It's false.
22:54But I can tell you, I don't know if you know this, he did used to run a company called
22:58Apple.
22:58Come on!
22:59You've heard of me!
23:00Final one.
23:01Final one.
23:01One, Steve Jobs.
23:02Is there another urologist called Dr. Burns Cox?
23:06There it is.
23:08Okay.
23:09Wow.
23:09Dr. Burns Cox.
23:10I want this to be true about how I feel about men a lot of times.
23:14But I think it's false.
23:16Oh, it's to decide.
23:17I put on the wrong hat.
23:18I put on the wrong hat.
23:19Wait, I think we...
23:20For the gameplay, do you want to choose a different hat?
23:23They're not both of you, do you?
23:25No!
23:29Well, I can tell you.
23:30The answer is...
23:31I'll go with it.
23:32True!
23:33Correct!
23:34And you win your prize, which is a special pair of Donald Trump's shoes.
23:40But don't worry, Michelle, you are not the only winner, because everyone gets a shoe!
23:45Here we go!
23:46Go on, Josh!
23:47You get a shoe!
23:48You get a shoe!
23:49Please don't frighten the lady in a wheelchair, Josh!
23:52Please don't throw wheelchairs at the same people!
23:55Keep going!
23:56Here we go!
23:56You get a shoe!
23:57We'll have more last week for you after the break as we check out the action of the Winter
24:00Paralympics, and we finally get to talk to Sandy Sanderson, who I believe, Sandy Sandilands,
24:05who I believe is back on the line.
24:06We'll see you in a little bit.
24:21Welcome back to Last Leg, we're joined by Michelle Wolfe and Richard Ioharty.
24:25We have got in contact with Sandy Sandilands in the UAE, a defence attaché to the UAE.
24:32Come in, Sandy Sandilands.
24:33Yes!
24:34Hey Adam, how are you?
24:38Thank you for joining us.
24:39What has your fame been like this week?
24:42It's been bonkers, mate, honestly.
24:45The reaction to the ex-feed that the Embassy put out has just been crazy.
24:50Seven million views.
24:51You know, I just hope that half of those actually listened to the message, but most of them were
24:56interested in the name and the location.
24:58So yeah, I am in the Sandy desert in the UAE.
25:03And Sandy is a nickname because it's normal in the army to give people nicknames.
25:08Are there other famous nicknames around you?
25:11I think the one that stands out for me is the guy called Jock Stirrup, so Jock Strap, who
25:16was the most senior guy in the military.
25:19And what I quite admire about him is a lot of guys, when they get senior, they start,
25:22you know, Steve becomes Steven and all that.
25:24But this guy went right to the very top of the military and stuck with Jock Strap, so
25:27I like that.
25:29And listen, how do you think Alex Brooker would go in the military?
25:32Oh, that's interesting, isn't it?
25:34I was watching last week and I saw his kind of shower chair.
25:37So we have a unit called the Mobile Bath and Shower Unit, or we used to have in the Pioneer
25:41Corps, so maybe he could bring his bath chair along to that.
25:43But actually thinking about it, if he's going to serve in the military, then you've got
25:47to kind of go through it all and not bottle it.
25:49And as an Arsenal fan, I'm not convinced he can do that.
25:52Hey!
25:53Ah!
25:54Come on.
25:55Sorry, Sandy, we're losing you.
25:58Sorry, mate.
25:59Oh, sorry.
25:59It's all right.
26:00It's all right.
26:01It's all right.
26:02All my mates call me Handy Handelands anyway.
26:05Good luck out there.
26:07Thanks very much for joining us.
26:08Sandy Sanderland.
26:10Sandy!
26:15Moving on, Gemma said, is it okay that Peter Mandelson still has his lordship?
26:18Uh, so documents were released this week that led to questions about due diligence shown
26:22by the Prime Minister when he appointed Peter Mandelson as ambassador to the US, despite
26:26Mandelson's friendship with Jeffrey Epstein.
26:28Turns out the vetting process had all the rigour of BBC's iPlayer when it says, do you
26:32have a TV licence?
26:35I've got away with that one before.
26:38What would have stopped him getting the job?
26:41Being friends with two pedos?
26:42Sorry, it says specifically, criteria, friends with one pedo or less.
26:47Sorry.
26:48Keir Starmer apologised for the appointment, but if his vetting process could be represented
26:51by a video, it would be this famous one of a Tottenham security guard.
26:56Any links to Epstein?
26:58No, go through.
26:59Any links to Epstein?
27:00No, go through.
27:02Any links to Epstein?
27:03No, go through.
27:05Any links to Epstein?
27:07No, go through.
27:07Yeah, yeah, you're right.
27:08Go through.
27:09I absolutely loved your impression there, Hilda.
27:12But Alex, you said something on the show a couple of weeks ago that I think might
27:15be true.
27:16Whoa, whoa, whoa.
27:18Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
27:19Mum, can you record this?
27:20How dare you accuse him of truth.
27:22Could he have appointed...
27:23Get the trilby of truth on, Brooker.
27:26He's a possibly appointed Mandelson to keep Trump on side, because basically, Epstein,
27:31Jeffrey Epstein said supposedly, quote, Donald Trump doesn't have a decent cell in his body,
27:35which would suggest Epstein knew some shit about Trump.
27:38And if Peter Mandelson was friends with Epstein, then he probably knew some shit about Trump
27:42too.
27:43So maybe, like you said, send a wrong one to deal with a wrong one.
27:46And honestly, in a couple of weeks, you're going to be comparing the war in the Middle
27:49East to going in the beer garden.
27:52Mandelson apparently asked for just £500,000 when he eventually was sacked, but settled
27:57for £75,000, which makes him the worst negotiator ever.
28:01I just want to get out one tiny pun.
28:04Yeah.
28:05Because we had Sandy Lance.
28:06Yeah.
28:06As that, instead of Mandelson, he should be Kid-delson.
28:11It's not a good pun.
28:14The whole time I always thought, Mandelson, Kid-delson.
28:18Kid-delson, right.
28:19And I've been thinking about it the whole time you were talking.
28:24I had to get it out of my body.
28:26I'm sorry.
28:28I apologise.
28:28Many people around Mandelson have said similar things.
28:33You met the whole point.
28:35You set up Richard and he can dunk.
28:38Alright, let's jump.
28:39That was also...
28:40No, sorry.
28:44I love the way you're also both mirroring body language and green trousers together.
28:48Thank you, yes.
28:48We're trying to out-defensive one another.
28:51How sandy were his curtains, by the way?
28:54So sandy.
28:54He was hamming it up.
28:56That guy.
28:57He came with a club act.
28:58He had the tightest three minutes I've ever seen from the military.
29:02I mean, I've never seen camouflage work so well.
29:06Yeah.
29:06I mean, he was basically the curtain.
29:10We actually had him on before, we just couldn't see him.
29:14Let's jump into the Winter Paralympics now.
29:16Steve said, is it okay that after two fourth places,
29:18Neil Simpson and his guide Rob Poth bring home silver?
29:21Yes, it bloody is for GB.
29:23Here's the medal moment.
29:25Come on, Neil Simpson.
29:27One last drive into the finish.
29:29He goes into the lead, but by how much?
29:324.96 seconds.
29:35Oh, that was fabulous.
29:3842.52 on that slalom run.
29:46Explain...
29:48It's worth explaining what's happening there.
29:50Yeah, so he's being guided.
29:52So the guy in the front is his guide.
29:54So the guy's visually impaired.
29:55Neil Simpson's visually impaired.
29:56He's being guided, basically, by the guy with a blue-tooth headset on in front of him.
30:00He's basically probably going like, left a bit, right.
30:02I mean, I don't know the exact terminology.
30:04I didn't know you were an expert, but...
30:07What did he say if they want to go to the other side?
30:09Like, right a bit.
30:10Oh, bloody hell.
30:11But that is like the ultimate trust.
30:14Like, I couldn't trust any of my mates to do that.
30:18That'd just be going, left, only fucking about.
30:20It's a treat.
30:22Also, you need to trust your blue-tooth.
30:23You don't want that to drop out halfway down.
30:26It gets at the bottom, halfway down the hill, and you just hear...
30:33Best impression of Spotify I've ever heard.
30:36Shout out to Nina Sparks, by the way, the first British female para-snowboarder.
30:40And also, Davey Giv, the first snow-sport winter Paralympian with motor neurone disease.
30:46Davey said, was I fastest down the course today?
30:48Absolutely not.
30:49But my race and battle is with MND, and today I'm winning that race.
30:53Well done, Davey.
31:02GV and Australia currently have one silver medal each, but Australia also have a bronze.
31:06Meanwhile, the Italian para ice hockey team released this brilliant clip of their training regime.
31:33It's so interesting that in Italy that's training, but in Britain that's a pip test.
31:40GV's curlers didn't make it to the medal podium, but they did provide us with some of the best self
31:44-commentary of the games.
31:47It's right out there, like.
31:49Mine's good.
31:50Walton's got a weird little jaw.
31:52How do you feel?
31:53I love the dynamic between these two.
31:55I feel like a bag of milk.
32:01We've got those two on the line now, so please welcome Jason Keane and Joe Butterfield.
32:12No, we don't.
32:13Not again!
32:14Oh, Sandy Sanderlums is going to pop back up.
32:16Could I have done this show via Skype as well?
32:19If you were away from Peckham, it's an hour.
32:22To be fair to these guys, they are at the Winter Paralympics, so it's not surprising they're frozen.
32:26Oh no, we've got them, we've got them. Jason and Joe, hello!
32:33Alex, you want to jump straight in with a question?
32:35Yeah, Jason, I've just got a, like, main question is, like, what do you mean by, like, how many bags
32:40of milk have you thrown in your life?
32:43I've never heard that phrase.
32:45Wait a minute, I'll just explain. It's not the, it's not the curling stone that's a bag of milk, it's
32:49actually Jason.
32:50It is me, I am the bag of milk, because as you can see from many of the videos, I
32:56am a rather large portion.
32:58So, with my break being high, so I'm, I'm paralysed from the armpits down.
33:03So, whenever I don't throw it well, then it comes out almost like a bag of milk.
33:09So, me coach, he, like, named it.
33:12He was like, keep a hold of your stabiliser properly.
33:15Throw it strong, me, he says, and stop throwing it like a bag of milk.
33:18So, when I let that stone go, I was like, threw it like a bag of milk.
33:22Turned out it was a pretty good stone, to be honest.
33:26And Joe, of course, you were in Rio as well.
33:28You won gold in Rio in the Summer Paralympics.
33:31How does this one compare?
33:33Well, not quite as good as that, since we didn't get gold.
33:35But, you know, it's a bit different.
33:38The Winter Games is probably a bit more of a family.
33:40It's kind of a smaller group of people.
33:42And they've got a bit of a more, a bit of a culture going on.
33:45But other than that, it's pretty similar.
33:47And Jason, as your first Paralympic Games, how are you finding it?
33:51It would have been a hell of a lot better to get a bit of metal around the neck, like
33:55that was the plan.
33:57But as an experience, it's absolutely metal.
34:01And, like, coming in, like, look at this.
34:04Do I look like an athlete?
34:05Next thing you know, come on, you're going off to the Paralympics.
34:08You've managed to make the grade somehow.
34:10It's been unbelievable, like, and it seems a shame that it's coming to an end.
34:14And it's a shame that it came to an end a bit early for us as well.
34:17And are you aiming for four years' time now?
34:21100%.
34:21Hopefully, yeah, that's the plan.
34:22Like, it's pretty special in the Paralympic Games.
34:25We don't normally get to compete in front of a crowd.
34:27And the noise in the arena at the curling stadium there was insane.
34:31The Italians have done a good job.
34:32So, to come back four years' time is critical.
34:35Excellent.
34:35Well, get out there, get training, and maybe next time you'll throw it like a semi-skimmed bag of milk.
34:40That's it, Jason and Joe.
34:41Just like a bottle of milk will do, because at least that's solid.
34:47Round of applause for Jason and Joe.
34:49Enjoy the rest of your time there.
34:52We'll have more last thing for you after the break as we unveil this week's mystery guests.
34:55We'll see you in a little bit.
35:10Welcome back to Last Legs.
35:11We're joined by Michelle Wolfe and Richard Aoiwati.
35:13Michelle, of course, you're off on tour this summer.
35:15Yes.
35:16The name of the tour?
35:17Best job in the world.
35:18Best job in the world.
35:19Oh, my God, I had so much hair.
35:21Oh.
35:22That was before I had a baby.
35:24I had so much hair.
35:25Look at this.
35:26I look like a little boy.
35:29Get Peter Mandelson away from me.
35:34And this just occurred to me, you didn't end up being a wolf.
35:38Yes.
35:38So in terms of nominative determinism?
35:40No.
35:41I mean, how disappointing is that?
35:43Yeah.
35:43I could have been a wolf and I'm a little boy instead.
35:47It's good for Peter Mandelson, but...
35:50Well, but if you were together with Peter Mandelson, you'd be Peter and the Wolf, so...
35:54Oh!
35:55My God!
35:56In...
35:58That might be my favourite joke that's...
36:00Everyone was so impressed they didn't laugh.
36:04Yeah, get your own out.
36:05In Medical News this week, a surgeon in London has performed the UK's first long-distance
36:10robotic operation on a patient who was 1,500 miles away in Gibraltar.
36:14Here are some graphic footage of the operation.
36:17A historic moment, 2,400 kilometres away.
36:24Unbelievable.
36:26We used a robot and a very specialised connection between London to Gibraltar.
36:34Didn't fail at all.
36:36The time delay between the two sides?
36:4160 milliseconds.
36:43We need to get him on this Wi-Fi.
36:46LAUGHTER
36:47For our Zoom.
36:49I'll tell you what, bet you he's great on them grabber machines in the arcade.
36:54Just got a house full of the boo-boos.
36:57It's impressive, but if you are the patient and they go,
37:00we're going to try a historic thing on you, I'd go, no.
37:04I want my operation to be done.
37:07Yeah, you can do it.
37:08I don't want you to do it, though.
37:10The patient described it as a no-brainer.
37:12Which is ironic because it was a prostate removal.
37:15It wasn't, that's not a joke.
37:16Oh, yeah?
37:18They're doing robotic prostate removals.
37:21I just want them to do one thing for women's health.
37:23Just one thing, like a better tampon or...
37:28To act like endometriosis.
37:34Diagnose women correctly.
37:35Tell them, don't be like, you're just whiny.
37:38No, it's a real, there's fibroids filling my body.
37:42We can't get the robots to do that.
37:47It is appropriate that it was a prostate removal
37:49because Gibraltar is very much the prostate of Spain.
37:53Well, no, by that I mean it's hidden away at the bottom,
37:56no-one knows why it's there,
37:57but it's a lot of fun to visit on holiday.
38:02In AI news, a woman from Florida
38:05asked her chat GPT this week to suggest a place to live
38:08based on amenities that she put in that she was looking for.
38:11She's now planning to move to Torquay in Devon.
38:14Because that's where it told her to go.
38:16Rightly so.
38:18AI has finally reached peak intelligence.
38:21I love this.
38:22This Florida woman is going to go there and she's going to,
38:25she's going to see the sea there,
38:27which is going to be very different from Florida.
38:29And she's going to be like, is this where World War II happened?
38:34This looks like the movies, am I in Dunkirk?
38:37And look, you might think Florida is different to Torquay,
38:40but Mar-a-Lago is a lot like the hotel in Faulty Towers.
38:43They're both owned by shouty dictatorial men
38:45who have zero people skills and don't get on with their wives.
38:48Although Mar-a-Lago has slightly more mentions of the war.
38:51All right, it's time to bring on this week's mystery guest.
38:53Michelle and Richard have to work out how they're connected to the news.
38:55Can we have the mystery guest, please?
38:56The mystery guest.
38:57Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
39:00Mysterious guest.
39:01But I wanna get close to you.
39:05So close to you.
39:08So, this is Glenn.
39:10Glenn was in the news this week because he's going for his 18th World Championship.
39:14But what is it in? Can we have the dramatic lighting change, please?
39:21Is it in being the quickest person to eat 80 grams of watercress?
39:26Being the man with the mintiest breath or
39:29Being a person who can fit the most basil in their ears and nose
39:35Have a look at him have a discuss
39:39We will reveal the mystery guest after the break
39:42We'll also end the show by going head-to-head team with him in a challenge. We'll see you in
39:46a little bit
39:59Welcome back to last leg with John Michael Wolkin, Richard Ayoade now before the break
40:03We challenged our guest to work out how this person was connected to the news. Can we have the options
40:07again, please?
40:09So Glenn has been in the news because he's going for his 18th world championship
40:13But is it in being the quickest person to eat 80 grams of watercress?
40:18Is it being a man with the mintiest breath or is it C being the person who can fit the
40:23most basil in their ears and nose?
40:27The floor is yours. Oh, I like that
40:30Yes, what 80 grams
40:34Feels a very specific amount
40:36Mm-hmm that with all due respect to the team. I don't think they would have thought up
40:45And when when you say the team I need to point out it's Josh and Alex that come up with
40:49this
40:50Yeah, yeah, that's what I meant by the team
40:55How very dare you? I very dare and all of these are X and album titles but
41:02Yeah, I would say 80 grams is very specific. I
41:08It's just he doesn't look like he eats a lot of lettuce
41:1480 grams isn't a huge amount. Okay, I need an answer
41:17Well, you say you need an answer. I think we need to discuss it for another 10 minutes
41:24We can I'm most concerned about the belly button on the t-shirt. Yeah, okay, we need an answer. Let
41:30me put it in another way
41:30Oh
41:32We've seen his all the class final answer. Well final answer. It was Chris
41:38Okay, I haven't even run that by
41:41Yes, yes, yes, Glenn. What is the truth? I am there's 17 times
41:47watercress eating champion
41:57Where's your other 17 trophies
42:00So have you one and I'll give it back every year you get into it. Oh
42:04It's back in 2002 Orsford where I come from start a fest rock to celebrate the spring where they get
42:11the first crop of watercress
42:13Rugby boys do all the parking and helping out
42:16We decided after a while we got a bit bored in the afternoon after playing cock and ball and then
42:23We haven't got time. We haven't got time. We haven't got time. That's not a world championship you want to
42:25win
42:28Anyway, we just saw we got all this green stuff. What are we going to do with it?
42:32I said we've had a few beers. Let's try and eat as much as we can so you can eat
42:35the most of it
42:37Didn't end up well
42:38That's it puking up
42:40The thing is next day as well
42:42After a few more beers
42:46Honestly, let's put it this way. I wasn't constipated fact. I had a ring piece like a dragon's nostril. Oh
42:51Okay, um, what is it? What does it take to be a good a good Cress eater? Is that Cressa?
42:57Yeah, what do you need?
42:58What do you what do you need to be a good? Well, because it's peppery and horrible in the saints
43:02like that
43:03Um, I think I remember big hands and a big bob
43:08Get it down there quick and get rid of it and that's why I have the old guinness afterwards. Just
43:12get rid of it
43:12Oh, how many other people are you competing again?
43:17This is worldwide, you know. We'll tell you what we're going to end the show by competing against Glenn
43:21They do heats. Okay, we're going to have a competition at the end of the show. Glenn, thank you so
43:25much for being here
43:26We'll see you in a minute because we're going to have a competition
43:34Let's check in with Henry Packer who has been designing a pound note a 10 pound note. I believe
43:40Throughout the show based on what's gone on in the show. Yes, indeed. Yes. So yeah, this is sort of
43:45oh, wow
43:46Actually, would you two mind holding this? Thank you. So yeah, can you explain it? I can talk you through
43:50it. Okay. Yeah
43:51So there's quite a lot going on. We've got Donald Trump here using a Wii controller to control the war.
43:57Yep
43:57No, he's on a sofa at home by himself. I've depicted him with with quite weak legs
44:01Which is satire
44:07But of course, it's actually more even more sinister than it looks because Donald Trump himself is being puppeted by
44:12Steven Gerrard
44:17I've got
44:17Here we've got Sandy Sandylands part one. That's Sandy Sandylands. That's him camouflaged against
44:22Here we've got we've got Hilsey as a as a kangaroo with in your pouch. You've got
44:31um
44:32got brooker and josh there and
44:34Feeding alex with uh with milk
44:37And just sort of ruffling josh's hair
44:39It's quite a sweet and slightly sinister image at the same time. Yeah
44:42Um, then we've got sandy sandlands part two. This is more realistic take
44:46Uh, I just I was fascinated by how low down his camera was
44:52Um
44:53And uh, yes, and then on the nominative determinism theme, um, I've tried it for everyone for the whole cast
44:59tonight
44:59So we've got alex brooker here who's in a brook
45:04Which is quite clever
45:05Um, we've got uh, uh, yeah, we've got hills here as a hill
45:10Yeah, there you go with one leg which is actually more than the average hill so you're doing really well
45:14there
45:14We've got we've got uh, michelle wolf
45:18Henry i'm afraid we have to wrap it up
45:20Can you go through really quickly?
45:21We've got rich hard so you're
45:23I picked you as rich as money there's money you've got one of those hot taps instead of a kettle
45:27because you're rich
45:27Yes
45:28You're also ripped and you're hard so the hot tap is actually going onto your onto your arms
45:31And you're fine with it because you're rich and hard
45:33Okay, we need to
45:34Second name
45:34Thank you so much
45:35Didn't have time
45:37We're going to win the show with the quest eating contest
45:38Thank you henry but before we do would you please thank our guest michelle wolf
45:43Richard Iowati
45:45And henry packer
45:48And my co-host josh witticum and alex brooker
45:54We'll be back next week with social media star gk barry and comedian jack d but right now it's time
45:59for this
46:11Simply the grass yeah better than all the rest
46:19Better than anything anything i have
46:31All right we're doing this we've got cress in front of you you've got to beat the world champion what's
46:37your best time
46:3825.5 25.5 seconds three two one go
46:44All right
46:59All right
47:00All right
47:13Michelle, you're doing it!
47:15Oh, my goodness.
47:16Is Michelle going to win?
47:19I'm going to be honest.
47:19I think Michelle has done this.
47:25Oh!
47:27Oh!
47:30Of course.
47:31You know what you're doing.
47:32You know what you're doing.
47:41There you go.
47:43You're all right, Michelle.
47:44Thanks for watching The Last League.
47:46My name's Adam Hills.
47:46See you next week for The Next League.
48:13Better than all the rest.
48:18Better than anyone.
48:20You're all right.
48:22I don't know.
48:22Bye.
48:22Bye.
48:23Bye.
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