- 5 hours ago
Free Bert - Season 1 - Episode 05: A Doubt Firestorm
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00:07Go, go, go, get a mess of the car.
00:10That bitch has us by the shorties.
00:12Look, I hope this doesn't stop her from Dr. Chanel for me.
00:15Are you kidding me?
00:16You thought that was genuine?
00:17Yeah.
00:17She played you like a fucking fiddle.
00:19That was so real.
00:20She cried actual tears.
00:21Yeah, she's a fucking pro.
00:23She buttered you up, told you what you wanted to hear,
00:25sat back, and let you diary out the mouth.
00:28I hardly told her anything.
00:29You told her enough, and now she holds all the cards.
00:32No, no, hold on a second.
00:33Does she?
00:34Are you kidding me?
00:35If that dumb bitch opens her fucking mouth,
00:37she's going to ruin everything I built.
00:38My trust in the guys, my board seat.
00:40Oh, right, your precious board seat.
00:41I almost forgot.
00:42My guys trip to Atlanta, we're fucked.
00:44No, okay, hold on a second.
00:46Why would she tell?
00:47Sure, she blows your shit up,
00:49but she doesn't get what she wants.
00:51She doesn't get Zach back.
00:52She loses all her leverage.
00:54Think about it.
00:59It's Landon.
01:00Okay, okay, what's he saying?
01:03Well, there goes your theory.
01:05He knows.
01:06Oh, fuck.
01:07Yeah.
01:07I really thought I was onto something there.
01:09He fucked us.
01:09That's it.
01:30We talked about it.
01:39Okay, let's go.
01:41Burt?
01:44So, uh, what's up, fellas?
01:50Well, it's Kirsten.
01:52Oh?
01:53I was going through her Google history last night, and, uh, well, I stumbled upon something concerning.
02:00A search for scrotal reconstruction.
02:04Huh.
02:06Wow.
02:07I wonder why she would...
02:08Gentlemen.
02:09I'm afraid we have a leak.
02:12I'm done.
02:14It's over.
02:16Zach's going to own my fucking ass now.
02:20Unless it was him who told her?
02:23God, no.
02:24She's the last person he'd tell.
02:26No offense.
02:28All right, well, let's break it down.
02:29I mean, who knows about the surgery?
02:31No, I mean, the four of us.
02:32Huh?
02:32Yeah, well, we know none of us leaked it, right?
02:35And we sure as shit weren't stupid enough to tell our wives, were we?
02:38Oh, can you imagine?
02:40I don't tell Val shit.
02:41Well, then who the fuck was it?
02:46Wait.
02:50It just hit me.
02:53And it pains me to say this out loud.
02:59Fucking Mayumi.
03:01She must have heard me telling you about it.
03:03That's got to be it.
03:04It's like every other hole is so fucking tight, but the mouth on this broad.
03:08Oh, wow.
03:09Wait, wait.
03:09So you think she just maybe told Chanel and then Kirsten overheard it, maybe?
03:14I don't know.
03:15I mean, what's another plausible explanation?
03:17Think about it.
03:24They are so close to putting all the pieces together.
03:27It's just a matter of time.
03:28This sounds like it's getting out of control.
03:30I don't think you should go to Atlanta with these guys.
03:32Are you kidding me?
03:33I'm the new fourth.
03:34Do you have any idea how hard that was to achieve?
03:37I've never been part of a group before, Doc.
03:38And they like me for me, not because I take my shirt off.
03:42I know, but it just seems to me like...
03:44Hey, hey, hey.
03:44This was your idea.
03:46I'm following your plan.
03:48Do you have any idea how suspect I would look if I didn't take the trip to Atlanta?
03:51It'll look like when Leo wouldn't give a social security number in The Departed.
03:54Yeah, he was the new guy.
03:55I never understood why they didn't instantly realize it was him.
03:59Yeah, that was a giant fucking hole in the movie.
04:02And I can't rely on these guys being as stupid as the writer and filmmakers of The Departed.
04:06Yeah, well, you can't force Zach and Georgia to break up.
04:09I know that.
04:10Of course I can't.
04:11He wouldn't listen to you anyway.
04:14I see where your head's going.
04:17Where?
04:18You're saying make them do it themselves.
04:22Uh, I don't see how you got that.
04:25Make them believe it was their idea.
04:26They break up with each other.
04:27I come off scot-free.
04:28God damn it, you're a genius.
04:36We act like everything's normal.
04:37I go to Atlanta.
04:39I isolate Zach and plant a seed of an idea in his brain.
04:43That maybe not everything's as perfect as it seems.
04:46I get him to question something.
04:48Something small.
04:49And you do the same with Georgia.
04:51So when Zach returns with his shiny new ball sack,
04:53and they finally talk about this stuff,
04:56it causes a fight.
04:57They go their separate ways,
04:59and we win.
05:01Yeah, but she loses?
05:03Does she?
05:03Hold on.
05:04The kid fell for her dad.
05:05He likes her for all the wrong reasons.
05:07And when his sack's healed,
05:08and he's ready to fire off some shots,
05:10he's going to be like a kid on Christmas
05:11with a brand new BB gun.
05:12Okay, Bert, I hate to point it out,
05:13but this whole thing was your idea.
05:16And ideas evolve, Leanne.
05:18Okay, but this is venturing into completely unhinged.
05:23Okay, I totally hear you.
05:24You're gone soft.
05:25We'll give your part to Isla.
05:27Give one to me.
05:27Wait, were you just listening at the door?
05:29Always.
05:30Kissing me to.
05:30Well, you are needed.
05:31What's your schedule look like?
05:32It's actually wide open.
05:33Now that they're shutting down the LD department,
05:35my lunch got a lot lighter.
05:37What? Why?
05:38This is the main reason we chose this school.
05:40I think they're redoing the gym or something.
05:43Probably a better investment in the long run.
05:45The necessary funds will be reallocated
05:47from a few lower priority departments.
05:49Departments.
05:50Departments.
05:50Should we vote?
05:51Vote.
05:51Those in favor?
05:52Favor?
05:53Favor?
05:53Burt?
05:54Your vote put that thing over the top.
05:56Top.
05:56Top.
05:57Burt.
05:57Huh.
05:57Did you know about this?
05:59No.
05:59How could I?
05:59No.
06:00Guys, what do you need me to do?
06:01Okay, Isla, listen very carefully.
06:03This is super nuanced, okay?
06:05I fuck with nuance.
06:06Stop.
06:07I'll do it.
06:08Okay.
06:09Are you sure this is right?
06:10I am more certain about this
06:11than I was about having her.
06:13You're good, Isla.
06:23Atlanta, baby.
06:24Atlanta.
06:24Atlanta.
06:48big weekend you excited what dude I said I said big weekend
06:54you excited for my nut surgery I mean yes I'm more nervous than anything oh sure I bet
07:05but your scrotum's in good hands Dr. V's the best in the business have you ever seen Chanel sits
07:11well like just in clothes and stuff they're a work of art let me tell you something after this
07:19surgery you're not just walking out with a new sack you're walking out a new man thanks man
07:26I hope so if you were in a relationship I'd call up that school more than every chick in there
07:32you know how much pussy you'd get if you had balls well like you know you don't kind of worry
07:36about
07:37anything of course I mean I respect you no no I know I know that's not what I'm talking about
07:40what I'm saying is Bert pop up here will you yeah yeah hold that thought
07:52what's up guys well we got some new info that's what's it whoa yeah it wasn't my umi she knows
07:58nothing trust me I put her through the fucking ringer what'd you go green card yeah
08:04what's green card yeah it's just this whole thing uh I got my buddy Steve saved in my phone
08:09his ISO whenever I need to put the screws to her I just have him call the house and she
08:13freaks out
08:13I bet fucking brilliant so wait hang on so we still don't know who told Kirsten well we have a
08:19better understanding of the timeline now we know she googled scrotal reconstruction Wednesday night
08:24right but then Wednesday morning she's texting her friend Lexi what the fuck is up with Zach lately
08:30is he gay lol right so Wednesday morning she's in the dark Wednesday evening she's got the answer
08:40so what do we think happened Wednesday that's exactly where our heads went so now all we got
08:46to do is trace her steps now I have her location services on my phone but we don't have any
08:51fucking
08:51Wi-Fi up here okay hey hey hey Lando not the end of the world look as soon as we
08:57touch down we'll be
08:58able to trace every step she took that day so not to be concerned
09:11so how's it going with Zach is it kind of petering out no he's the best honestly I couldn't even
09:21imagine a better boyfriend or relationship yeah she was literally a zero before he started dating him
09:26and now she's like bordering on cool in the discussion for Ms. Barclay with a chance to dethrone Kirsten
09:33it's been stunning to witness honestly thanks I love thank you
09:36I just don't want to see you get hurt sweetie you know Zach is a very popular boy and he's
09:42giving off
09:43I don't know maybe like player vibes that I'm picking up on
09:47no no no no he's not like that okay he actually respects me and wants to take things super slow
09:52right of course he does slow that's being generous you guys haven't even kissed yet
09:56you haven't no why is that weird
10:04now now it's not weird sweetie okay
10:14this is ridiculous drop 100 fucking K on a jet and I can't even check Instagram this is such
10:19fucking bullshit I'm gonna go ask you about that Wi-Fi I want to get to the bottom of this
10:22yeah
10:23Glenn please do something but Glenn but really complain okay I want someone to lose their job
10:28over there yeah and see if you can get something for free I'm on it I'm on it hey can
10:35I ask you
10:35guys a question that might be a little bit in the sensitive area yeah what's up anything man
10:41floor is yours what's up
10:48it's Glenn I mean how well do we know this guy Glenn I mean we've been pretty close for
10:56what 25 30 years not more than that I mean think about menopause we went to elementary school
11:01oh yeah so when his folks died my parents adopted him so I mean we're not technically brothers but
11:07yeah you know we shared a room well after the crash he was in it he did a little stint
11:12in an
11:12orphanage yeah for a couple months then he moved in with me bunk beds why do you ask
11:19I wish my spidey senses weren't going berserk here but
11:24just every time someone brings up the Kirsten thing he gets a little defensive look you know
11:30him better than I do but I think he's hiding something
11:48okay so I'll be making the first of several incisions here and then what I'll do is I'll open the
11:56flaps
11:57remove the testicles temporarily and then just burn off any remaining scrotal skin
12:03and we should all be here this is customary well I mean technically no but yeah so then I'll use
12:12a
12:12local tissue graft from the inner thigh to perform the scrotoplasty and construct the replacement pouch
12:19Landon of course that's where you come in all over it yeah there you go thanks pal all right look
12:26obviously we want to make this thing durable okay but at the same time this thing's got to be a
12:31fucking showstopper of a sack okay a hundred percent I mean it's got a look real feel real taste real
12:38right bud I mean yes and then since your case is pretty rare we'll need to tunnel the nuts into
12:48the
12:48new pouch and suture it into place to prevent them from retracting upward help form the pocket if you
12:55will same concept as a baseball glove but yeah yeah oh I have a question how long until we get
13:01that
13:02contraption you know up and running on this guy oh should be a fairly speedy recovery yeah I'd say
13:07two to three weeks before you can drop a proper load oh got it pretty good look if we do
13:13our jobs
13:13right here all right Zach walks out of here with something between his legs that he can feel super
13:17proud of uh mr. hotchkiss I just need you to fill out some paperwork uh you too Landon sure absolutely
13:23gentlemen we'll be right back but powerful presentation doc thank you for noticing really enjoyed that
13:36wow lots of stuff going on it's such weird timing huh what do you mean I'm just saying you know
13:44big surgery
13:46you're starting a new relationship it's a lot on a kid's plate you gotta get one of them off there
13:49and you can't get the surgery off they're not gonna mess anything up right I mean what if they make
13:54a
13:54mistake and my balls are permanently fucked no no no no no no that's not gonna happen let's get back
14:01to the relationship though I don't know I mean because what if something goes wrong I mean something
14:04could go wrong right take a breath hold on stop stop stop stop stop dad dad get in here don't
14:10shut the
14:11fuck up dad get in here Randy I'm fucking freaking out it's okay it's okay it's okay let's go look
14:17at
14:17me you got this you fucking you're a hotchkiss hotchkiss you're a hotchkiss okay okay
14:23you want this sack you need this sack
14:33bye girls bye love you baby be good have fun girls play nice behave hey oh
14:43I texted you you're not avoiding me are you what no of course not okay of course not good because
14:50I have some news I think you're really gonna be happy about I spoke to my attorneys and I told
14:55them all about your genius mislabeling theory oh yeah hmm they think we have a very strong case
15:00for a very lucrative lawsuit a lawsuit well yeah the cooking oil people are 100% responsible right
15:07so they should pay don't you think yes of course and you're including me in the lawsuit like well
15:15it was your theory what kind of monster do you think I am I wouldn't dream of cutting you out
15:21that is so sweet of you I mean unless you're coming off that theory
15:33god no if anything I'm more convinced now great so they'll just need to take your deposition under
15:41oath of course testifying that you made the cookies yourself from scratch the list of ingredients you
15:46use receipts you have something like that yeah I mean I definitely have all that stuff why wouldn't
15:54you mm-hmm okay I'll have my lawyer reach out and get that I'll sit up thanks sweetie oh thank
16:03you
16:03thank you thank you honey how's he doing he's battling bro it's tough to watch we shared a good hard
16:22cry and then he
16:24uh he fell asleep in my arms well maybe this will be like a bonding experience something that you
16:37shared in life that you'll never forget
16:43Zach's a strong kid rando he's gonna be okay what's that he's a strong kid he's gonna be okay
16:50you think he's gonna be fucking okay yeah is that what is that what you're saying no no no no
16:55no you
16:55said it Glenn so just tell me what the fuck you're just saying what did I just no no no
16:59you just said
17:00he's gonna be fucking okay he doesn't have a fucking sack sorry no no no don't fucking say you're
17:07sorry I'll fucking come over this fucking table and I will take you down right fucking here right
17:13fucking here man don't just shut the fuck up
17:18you guys see my phone anywhere I haven't seen it since we were on the plane I don't know what
17:23to do
17:23with it yeah fuck I hate when that happens you know it's fine I'll just have my assistant order
17:30me a new one get it delivered sink it to the cloud I'll be back online in a couple of
17:33hours
17:35wow that easy huh yeah then we'll find out where Kirsten's been and nail down who this mole might be
17:41that'll be great yeah it will be great Glenn
17:50I want to find out who's behind this yeah I bet you do Glenn
17:58all right screw this should we go grab some wings
18:00oh I could fuck up some wings
18:02yep says Magic Kitty has the best in town
18:04here we go I'm not sure that's our vibe guys uh pretty sure that's a strip club
18:09I think we can handle some mild nudity if the wings are worth it right guys
18:13oh yeah let's go
18:14come on
18:32this is nice
18:33yeah it's a good vibe
18:37hey hey hey thanks for having me
18:40oh absolutely Bert hey you earned it all right you deserve to be here
18:45yeah you really put in the work pal
18:47just thanks for noticing
18:49oh almost forgot
18:53we've been talking and uh yeah we'd like you to have something
18:59wait what
19:00what is this
19:04the password to Dr. Shestak's photo sharing link
19:08only six people on the planet have access
19:11who I don't know what to say
19:15say yes
19:16say yes to the link of your gynecologist who passes pussy pics
19:20to what the link represents
19:22to us
19:24bring it in
19:25to us
19:26to us
19:29please give it up for Pac-Man Joe
19:35if I see your white ass out somewhere with a fucking shirt on I'm gonna be highly motherfucking
19:40disappointed my boy my boy I bet not see you ever with a shirt on
19:43sure sure you know what guys I'm gonna hit the can make a little room for these wings okay
19:48yeah I'll be back
20:13oh my boy
20:17Hey, you remember the crew?
20:19My boy Milo and my boy Sully.
20:20Look at you guys.
20:22We was inspired by you, bruh.
20:23This how we do it now.
20:25No shirt gang.
20:26Shut the fuck up.
20:27You changed shit for us.
20:28Gave us a whole new perspective.
20:30Really?
20:30Yeah, look at all these motherfuckers.
20:32Letting rules and shirts dictate their lives.
20:35We over here living life on the buckle.
20:37You know what I mean?
20:37No seat belt.
20:38Like, for real.
20:40Boy, we about to have a ball tonight, my boy.
20:44Yes, we are.
20:44Let's fucking do this.
20:45Okay.
20:46Let's go.
20:47Let's do shots.
20:48Burn.
20:49Burn.
20:50Let's go.
20:51Man.
20:52Anything you want.
20:54Hey, did you meet that new chick, the one over there?
20:56Some other thick one?
20:57Yeah, let me go get her, okay?
20:58I'll get her.
20:58I'll bring her back.
20:59All right, you gotta stay here.
21:02Everybody, welcome back to the stage.
21:04One time to the stage.
21:06Oh, excuse me.
21:08You okay, bruh?
21:09Yeah, you're like, fully sweating.
21:11Must have been a doozy.
21:12No, I'm good.
21:13But I can't say the same for the shitter back there.
21:16Wait a second.
21:17What?
21:19Did you sneak in a lap dance behind our backs?
21:24Busted.
21:25Busted.
21:26Yeah, dude.
21:27I was going to the shitter, and I cut the corner, and this stripper, like, grabs me and, like,
21:31throws me down and starts grinding on me.
21:34It was like she was trying to undo my fly with her butt.
21:36She was just .
21:38Which girl?
21:40It's that one right there.
21:42And she said she could get us in the private room.
21:44Let me get her over here.
21:45No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
21:46No, no, no, no.
21:47I'll talk to her.
21:48I already set up a rapport with her.
21:50You know?
21:50It would be weird.
21:51Yeah, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
21:53What's good, fellas?
21:55Where is she, bro?
21:56Who?
21:58What the fuck you got going on, my boy?
21:59What are you talking about, man?
22:01I'm just partying.
22:02Wait, wait, wait.
22:02You said you was going to get the girl, then you disappeared for way too long.
22:06Like, what the fuck?
22:06Yeah, then you came back here out of breath and shit, not remembering what you told us?
22:10Yeah.
22:10You doubtfiring us, bro?
22:11No.
22:11I'm not doubtfiring anybody, I swear to God.
22:13I don't know, man.
22:14We seen you go put a shirt on and go sit with them white folks over there.
22:17You really think you could just switch up your whole thing and bounce back and forth without
22:21us knowing?
22:21Hey, look, this place too small for that shit, though.
22:23Yeah, at least in the movie, you was far away or nothing.
22:26Yeah, you was a waitress with a tray to hide behind.
22:28You just out here in the open with him.
22:30All right, listen, guys.
22:31I thought it was just a shirt and not prosthetics and a wig.
22:33I could get away with it.
22:34Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, my boy.
22:37What about the other guys?
22:38Is it still working on them?
22:39Oh, thanks for reminding me.
22:41We're about to find out.
22:44Hey!
22:45Oh, Bert.
22:46What the fuck?
22:47Sorry, guys.
22:48I just got caught up.
22:50Well, what happened to your shirt?
22:55Same fucking stripper.
22:56I went to talk to her about the private room and she fucking ripped my goddamn shirt off.
23:00No, no, no.
23:00I gotta say, I'm a little shocked right now.
23:03Okay?
23:04Yeah, like to my core.
23:06I mean, here I thought we were all being honest with each other.
23:09Yeah, I'm a little disappointed in you too, Bert.
23:11Wait, hold on.
23:11Guys, let me explain.
23:12Because from here, it looked like you were partying with Pac-Man Jones without us.
23:17Wait.
23:18What?
23:19You know Pac-Man fucking Jones?
23:23Uh, yeah.
23:24A little bit.
23:26Well, are you going to introduce us or what?
23:54I'm so fucking lazy.
23:56Yeah, but you're going to be good for the surgery, right?
23:58What?
23:59Oh, yeah.
24:00A cup of coffee, maybe a bump or two.
24:02I'll be just fine.
24:03That's all.
24:21Holy shit.
24:22Bert!
24:23Come on in.
24:24No, no, I'm good.
24:24I am.
24:25No, no, no, Bert.
24:27Take a seat.
24:27No, actually, I'd rather not land it.
24:29Found my phone.
24:31Huh?
24:32In your jacket.
24:36Sit down, Bert.
24:46It was you.
24:49How did I not see it?
24:51Here I was questioning lifelong friendships and it never occurred to me it might be the new guy who just
24:57joined the fucking crew.
24:58That's a surprisingly easy mistake.
25:00Huh.
25:01Listen, I'm sorry, Landon.
25:02I don't know what happened.
25:03But I guess maybe Kirsten must have ever heard me talking with you guys on the phone at the school
25:08and then she came over and told me she blackmailed you.
25:11She actually did.
25:12Oh, fuck.
25:13I know.
25:13It's really upsetting.
25:15Oh, fuck.
25:15I know.
25:15I know.
25:16And I was gonna come and talk to you privately.
25:17Stop.
25:19Oh, I'm just kidding.
25:20Oh.
25:21Thank you, honey.
25:21That's great.
25:22You're welcome.
25:25Whew.
25:26Goddamn.
25:27I can't believe she did that.
25:29I thought you were finishing her mouth.
25:30Yes, Kirsten.
25:31God, it just kills me that she did this to you.
25:34I mean, I guess she was just so upset that Zack broke up with her, you know, and she didn't
25:37know why.
25:38And none of us did.
25:40Yeah.
25:41Then I saw him in one of your stupid fucking jerseys and, well, it hit me.
25:49You seduced him, didn't you?
25:52So you could rest easy knowing that the kid couldn't bust for shit.
25:56It's actually fucking brilliant.
25:57Look, I was just looking after my daughter.
25:59Oh.
26:00No, I get that.
26:00Hey, I'm a girl dad, too.
26:03And, look, don't even worry about Kirsten blackmailing me.
26:06I'll talk to her, all right?
26:07Oh.
26:09Landon.
26:10You have no idea, bro.
26:12On one condition.
26:13Oh.
26:14Mr. and Miss Barklage is this Sunday.
26:16And you're gonna be up there, right?
26:18You're gonna be the one announcing the winner.
26:20It's all in your hands.
26:22I'll just read the name of whoever wins.
26:25Absolutely.
26:25You should 100% read the name of whoever gets the most votes.
26:31Cool.
26:32But it's Kirsten.
26:34Wait.
26:35Hang on.
26:36What if someone else wins?
26:37Oh, yeah.
26:38Well, then you should absolutely read that person's name.
26:42But it's Kirsten.
26:43Wait, I'm a little confused.
26:44Because you keep saying that I should read whoever it says...
26:49Yeah, I mean, we want to be fair, don't we?
26:51Right.
26:52Right, yeah.
26:52Right.
26:52Okay, well, then good.
26:53We're on the same page.
26:54Okay.
26:55They'll count the votes.
26:56Yes.
26:56They'll hand you a piece of paper with the name of the new Miss Barklage on it.
26:59And you, as the emcee, will read that name.
27:03Okay.
27:03Okay.
27:04Great.
27:04Great.
27:05But it's Kirsten.
27:09All right, well, I'm gonna go do another bump just to get ready for surgery tomorrow.
27:14Are you good?
27:16Knew I could count on you.
27:32Knew I could count on you.
27:35Knew I could count on you.
27:36So begun up yes.
27:56Kind of begging for dinner.
27:56Now I'll get one to get J крупkestoo.
27:56Anyway, first time, the块 was left before you decided to go out and go right back to Knox.
27:57No way, so.
27:59Oh!
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