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00:00Sorry, but the person you are trying to reach can't take your call right now.
00:04Please leave your message after the tone.
00:07Hello, Beth. It's Ken here.
00:09Ken Pritchard, yeah, again.
00:12You can't take my call right now, so I'm leaving your message after the tone.
00:19Cheerio-bye, then.
00:21Emily, can't take your call right now.
00:23Please leave your message after the tone.
00:26Emily, hi, it's Richard again.
00:32But you'll already know that because my name comes up in your phone.
00:36Well, unless you've deleted my number, in which case it is 07700900.
00:43But then the phone would have logged that as well.
00:46But just in case, the final three digits are 521.
00:51Uh, yeah, I'm actually just going to hang up now.
00:57So, um, cheery-bye, then.
01:03Cheery-bye, then.
01:12Just trying you here, Beth.
01:14Want to say sorry for not telling you about Richard and Emily kissing at the time.
01:18P.S. Are we still engaged?
01:19Cheery-bye, now.
01:20How did you know I wrote that?
01:22Because you posted it on the Forrest's WhatsApp group.
01:24Now the whole town knows about me and Emily.
01:26I did no such...
01:27Oh, I did.
01:28Oh, how have I done that?
01:32Oh, that's the reply's coming in now.
01:34Oh, brilliant.
01:36What a fantastic way for everyone to know that I'm in love with Emily.
01:39Just as she's about to fly halfway around the world with her boyfriend.
01:43Gordon Cope.
01:43I wonder if he still kisses with his eyes open, lol.
01:46What were you doing kissing Gordon Cope?
01:48What was I kissing Gordon Cope?
01:49He was just there.
01:50It was a school party.
01:52We were all playing spin the ball.
01:53I mean, I'd try to sneak out.
01:54I'd never kissed a girl before.
01:56But then it landed on me and Emily.
01:58And, of course, I wanted to kiss her.
01:59She's not in front of the whole room.
02:00But then they all started chanting,
02:01Kiss her!
02:02Kiss her!
02:03And I did.
02:03But I just didn't realise that you had to close your eyes
02:05when you were kissing someone.
02:07So for years after, everyone called me...
02:10The Cyclops kisser.
02:12You see, this is why I wanted to talk to you about your technique.
02:15Obviously, I don't kiss like that now.
02:17A lot of people still remember it.
02:19Oh, great.
02:20Are you happy?
02:21Are you?
02:22That I can never leave the house again?
02:24How to make an already awful situation even worse,
02:27the autobiography by Ken Pritchard.
02:29That's a terrible title for my autobiography.
02:32Oh, have you got a better one, have you?
02:32Yes, I have, as a matter of fact.
02:34It was rhetorical!
02:35Shh.
02:36What have it?
02:38Pritchard and Prejudice by Ken Pritchard.
02:41Yeah.
02:42Or you could have prayed on Pritchard, I suppose.
02:46Please stop.
02:53Are they still talking about how bad I am at kissing?
02:56No, no.
02:57They've moved on to something else now.
03:01What?
03:02How bad are you at acting?
03:06I hate his accent in detective manners.
03:09I'm using my real accent.
03:11He's completely wooden.
03:13One-dimensional.
03:14Let's just hope he kisses better than he acts.
03:18Well, on the upside.
03:19It's good to hit rock bottom early in the day.
03:22Really freeze up your afternoon.
03:25Oh, apparently rock bottom has a basement.
03:29I thought people in Forest liked me.
03:31I thought they were proud I was from here.
03:34No-one on this is rooting for me and Emily to get together.
03:37I thought the whole town would be behind us like the end of a Richard Curtis film.
03:41Who's he again?
03:42He'd do The Wicker Man.
03:44No, Richard Curtis.
03:46Love, actually.
03:47Oh, I never saw that one.
03:48Notting Hill?
03:49Four weddings and a funeral?
03:50Oh, yeah, yeah, you see, there's a funeral at the end of The Wicker Man.
03:54Oh, this one just says useless twat.
04:05Sally, hi.
04:07Richard, something's coming.
04:09Really?
04:10Why do you need me for this?
04:12Because Emily normally reads the parts in and it's my first TV audition in months.
04:17I'm not missing out on it.
04:18All right.
04:21Who am I playing again?
04:23You're playing anyone apart from Sebastian.
04:26You understand?
04:27That's the face you do when you don't understand but you're pretending that you do.
04:30Uh-huh.
04:31Uh-huh.
04:32Uh-huh.
04:32Okay, is that uh-huh as in you do understand or uh-huh as in you don't understand?
04:37Absolutely.
04:37Sure, okay.
04:38So what I've done is I've highlighted all the parts you're playing.
04:41Okay, so if the line is highlighted, you say it.
04:44Right?
04:44Okay.
04:50Richard Pritchard, represented by Sally Monteith.
04:54Um, and can I just say, even if I don't get the part, I think the script is fantastic.
04:59Don't creep, Richard.
05:00It's not becoming.
05:00Can you just...
05:02Right.
05:04Right, let's just...
05:05Let's just try on it.
05:12What are you doing?
05:14It says there's jazz music playing in the background to you.
05:17Yeah, we'll take that as red.
05:18Oh well, please yourself.
05:19For the benefit of the tape, we're taking the jazz music as red.
05:23Can you not talk to the tape?
05:24Just do the lines.
05:25Hmm?
05:30Good evening.
05:32I wasn't sure you were going to turn up tonight.
05:36Good evening.
05:38I wasn't sure you were going to turn up tonight.
05:44Did you have any trouble finding the place?
05:46Did you have any trouble finding the place?
05:48The highlighted line.
05:51Oh yes, sir, sir, you said that.
05:53Yeah, I did.
05:57Did you have trouble finding the place?
06:00Yes.
06:01But you managed to get here without being seen?
06:04Yes.
06:06Drink?
06:07Pint it heavy, if you're asking.
06:09Does it say that there?
06:10No.
06:10What does it say there?
06:11It says yes.
06:12Say yes then.
06:12Yes.
06:14The money on the table.
06:16Is it the amount we agreed on?
06:19Yes.
06:20Okay, now the waiter arrives.
06:22Oh, the waiter, yes.
06:22Yes, the waiter.
06:25Yes?
06:26I'd like a martini.
06:27Would you like a martini?
06:31Yes.
06:32What?
06:33Is that all I ever get to say?
06:35I think my character...
06:36You don't have a character.
06:38Right, just skip forward to when the German officer enters.
06:42Ah.
06:44Fredericks.
06:45Are you well?
06:46Yeah.
06:47I mean, this is a bloody wind-up.
06:49Mademoiselle Arnault, this is General Fredericks.
06:52A very great pleasure.
06:54We talked about the accent.
06:55It needs the accent, Richard.
06:57A very great pleasure to meet you, mademoiselle.
07:01Or should I say, meet you again?
07:04It was you I saw sneaking around my quarters last night, wasn't it, eh?
07:09I'm afraid you are going to have to come with me.
07:13And seen.
07:14No, don't say unseen.
07:15Why not?
07:16Because I'm the actor, I want to say seen.
07:18Right, come on.
07:19Let's do another one from the top.
07:24Good evening.
07:25Oh.
07:26Hold that thought.
07:27Hold that thought.
07:28Oh, it's from the forest.
07:30What is up?
07:32Eh.
07:33What are they calling me now?
07:34How can they just start digging up the allotment without giving any notice?
07:38This is all your fault, you know.
07:40I could have been up there already if you hadn't insisted on staying in
07:43so that I could pretend to be a bloody Nazi.
07:46Heil.
07:47Eh, hi.
07:48I meant hi.
07:49Just put the damn phone down.
07:51I need to get the audition to Sally before two o'clock,
07:54which means I've got no time to edit out your nonsense.
07:56Never mind a bloody audition.
07:58This is about saving a place your mother held most dear.
08:02Okay, but...
08:03Okay, that's the accent.
08:05That's all.
08:06Okay.
08:08Hello, Darren.
08:09All right.
08:11Tizzy?
08:11All right, Richie.
08:14You all right, mate?
08:17I meant to be meeting my dad here.
08:19My real dad, like.
08:21Found out who he was.
08:23Turns out he didn't move to America and invent a floppy disk.
08:28Found him a few weeks back, but it took me a while to...
08:35Sent him a letter saying I'd be here at half ten if he wanted to meet me.
08:39Maybe he got held up.
08:41Or, eh...
08:42Maybe he got the deer on.
08:43I mean, that's dad's fear.
08:44That's what my dad would do.
08:47Um...
08:47Or maybe he wanted to come...
08:51But got a bit scared.
08:59The tree?
09:02Oh, right.
09:05Take care, mate.
09:08All right, Richie.
09:09All right.
09:12Richard, are you coming or what?
09:15We shall not be moved.
09:16We shall not be moved.
09:18We shall not be moved.
09:19We shall not be moved.
09:21We shall not be moved.
09:39Is there literally anyone else here I can talk to?
09:43What's going on?
10:11What's going on?
10:12Who's in charge here?
10:12I am.
10:15Well, Richard, are you going to answer the lady?
10:18What?
10:19Written permission or no, this is an outrage.
10:23The people have the power, and the people shall not be moved.
10:28We shall not be moved.
10:29Exactly.
10:31And free Nelson Mandela.
10:33What?
10:34No.
10:34No.
10:34No, but it's that type of thing, isn't it?
10:37We shall not be moved.
10:39We shall not be moved.
10:40We shall not be moved.
10:42We shall not be moved.
10:44We shall not be moved.
10:46We shall not be moved.
10:48We shall not be moved.
10:48Excuse me.
10:48Do you mind moving?
10:49Sorry, if you could just move.
10:51Move.
10:52We shall not be moved.
10:53Emily.
10:54I don't think so, buddy.
10:55I just need to speak to her for a minute.
10:56I said no, man.
10:58Look, I don't want a confrontation here, but you need to know that I am trained in stage
11:01combat.
11:02Well, I think you should probably know that I'm a black belt in Taekwondo.
11:05Well, you also need to know that my hamstring is a bit tight, actually, and it wouldn't
11:09be a fair fight.
11:09Yeah, and you wouldn't be able to run away as fast.
11:11And can you, can you just stop standing there with your fists clenched?
11:14I mean, honestly, this was just a big misunderstanding.
11:18Hello, babe.
11:19Ken, I've been speaking with mother, and we think it's only right that she shouldn't
11:22talk to you right now.
11:23Hello, Ken.
11:24Ladies, will you please just let me do my job and protect you?
11:27Protect us from who?
11:28Them.
11:29How can kissing him be a misunderstanding?
11:31I mean, you can't exactly get us mixed up.
11:33I mean, look at him!
11:35You get me in the gym for six months and I'll look like you.
11:38Six.
11:39Yeah, well, only if I trained you and you followed a strict diet regime.
11:42Ooh, I'd take your head deal if I was you, son.
11:45He's not actually offering it, Dad.
11:46Are you?
11:47No.
11:48Yeah, thought so.
11:48Ladies and gentlemen, please create a pathway as work is about to commence.
11:56Quickly, attach yourself to the person next to you.
11:59We're forming a blockade or a wall, as you will, to stop the diggers getting in.
12:04Why have you got so many pairs of handcuffs?
12:06Do you really want the answer to that question?
12:08Why do we even need handcuffs?
12:09Why don't we just sit down to stop the diggers?
12:11What are you doing?
12:12Eh?
12:13Just where I can keep an eye on you.
12:14Oh, great.
12:15Make sure the gate is blocked.
12:17We must form a human centipede.
12:20Oh, okay.
12:21I think you mean chain, Mr. Williams.
12:22We better.
12:23Keep your positions.
12:24Remember your motivation.
12:26You're part of a wall.
12:27If you need to draw on anything, draw on your favourite wall.
12:30I'm using Berlin, so you can't use that one, Richard.
12:33Fine.
12:34I'll be the Great Wall of China.
12:35No, I want that one.
12:37Everyone, I am the Great Wall of China.
12:42Well, I can't see a digger getting through here.
12:46The diggers are already inside.
12:49What?
12:52She didn't think to check.
13:00Right, well, at least you can unlock us from these.
13:03Where are the keys?
13:04What do you say?
13:04The keys for the handcuffs.
13:07As Macbeth said,
13:09my dull mind was wrought with things forgotten.
13:12You haven't got them?
13:13No.
13:14Brilliant.
13:17I was a frogman betrayed, you see.
13:19Got let go after claiming I had a conversation with Shergar in the Thames.
13:25One of the builders have got to get some bolt cutters.
13:28You should be out of cuffs soon.
13:30Can I get anyone water?
13:32Have you got any sparkling?
13:33Or with added electrolytes?
13:34Just water.
13:38Well, looks like we're going to be here for a while then.
13:41Anyone want to play I Spy?
13:43No.
13:44No.
13:44No.
13:45No.
13:46What about the minister's cat, Richard?
13:48You look very good at that.
13:50They're a little showy.
13:52No, I'm fine, Mr Williams.
13:57I was worried you'd maybe fallen out with me bed.
14:01The minister's cat is an adorable cat.
14:03No.
14:03Nothing like that.
14:05I've just been doing some thinking.
14:07It's just her sent some messages.
14:09Quite a few, actually.
14:11Somebody needs to do B.
14:12Did you?
14:13Well, I haven't got none.
14:14That's because you don't put your mobile data on.
14:16Oh, God.
14:17My mum never did that either.
14:19It was infuriating.
14:20She thought getting a text message outside the house would bankrupt her.
14:23Don't think anyone else is playing.
14:26The thing is, Ken, I've been thinking about your proposal.
14:31And I know I said yes at the time, but maybe that was a bit rash of me.
14:36What's she saying, Richard?
14:40She's saying that she's been thinking about your proposal and even though she said yes
14:49at the time, that maybe it's a bit rash.
14:53She's got a rash.
14:54Do you need someone to interpret for me as well?
14:57Tell him, Richard.
14:58He's a lovely man.
15:00A wonderful man.
15:03You're a lovely, wonderful man.
15:06And I'm so very glad I met him.
15:09Even thinking about getting married to him has taught me something.
15:13That maybe I can love again.
15:19Maybe in the future, not now.
15:23Just not now.
15:28I'm so very happy that I met you.
15:32And even thinking about marrying you.
15:36Is this you or Meg?
15:37Who do you think?
15:38Right.
15:39I'm going to say this in the third person tonight.
15:41She says that even thinking about marrying you has taught her that she could love again,
15:53but just not now.
15:58Not now.
16:00Not now.
16:00Right.
16:01Okay.
16:03Not now.
16:04Right.
16:05Right?
16:06I am sorry.
16:08Did you say sorry?
16:09No, no.
16:11Don't.
16:13Don't be sorry.
16:15Come on.
16:15I'm sorry.
16:16I've just got a wee bit carried away.
16:20Yeah, maybe I did too.
16:25Can it be okay?
16:27Pancake?
16:28Yeah, you'll be fine.
16:29How do you turn this mobile data thing on?
16:33You just...
16:36There you go.
16:39Oh.
16:40Well, it's beeping all over the place.
16:43You have seven new messages.
16:45First message received today at 10.34am.
16:50Hello, Beth.
16:51It's Ken here.
16:52Ken, Pritchard.
16:54Again.
16:55You can't take my call right now, so I'm leaving you a message after the dawn.
17:01Cheerio-bye then.
17:03I'd better call him back.
17:05Well, you just spoke to him, Beth.
17:07Oh, yes, so I did.
17:10Are you winding me up?
17:12Eh?
17:13Just trying to hear, Beth.
17:14I want to say sorry for not telling you...
17:15What are you telling me you hung up?
17:16It used to be that nothing good has ever come from your mouth that started with,
17:20It used to be that.
17:22It used to be that when you put the phone down, that was it.
17:27It was hung up, and now it's all blooming buttons and things.
17:30No, there's just one button you press once.
17:32Oh, brilliant.
17:33What a fantastic way for everyone to know that I'm in love with Emily.
17:36Just as she's about to fly halfway around the world with her...
17:50Is, er...
17:51Is my mobile data on?
17:52I very much doubt it.
17:57I was our frogman betrayed, you see.
18:16Well, we made a great job of looking after the allotment for your mother, didn't we, eh?
18:23See you, Joe.
18:25Ah, well.
18:27We've still got a train station, haven't we?
18:30Eh?
18:45Oh, hey.
18:46Emily.
18:47Emily.
18:48Please don't go to New Zealand.
18:50What?
18:52Wow.
18:53This guy does not quit.
18:56I actually have to hand it to you.
18:58Assistance is one of the key fundamental tenets of success.
19:00I did a podcast about it.
19:01You don't want to be with him.
19:02He does podcasts.
19:04I've never seen him laugh.
19:05I can laugh.
19:06Well, go on then.
19:07Well, which is now.
19:08Well, it's so easy.
19:10Yeah, sure.
19:10I mean, I'll...
19:11I'll laugh.
19:13But...
19:15Wait, that doesn't count.
19:16No, no.
19:16Where?
19:16It's me.
19:20Yeah.
19:21Come on!
19:22I win!
19:23Do you feel like a winner?
19:25No.
19:26Not really.
19:27Don't listen to him, Emily.
19:28You're gonna love New Zealand.
19:30I've made loads of plans for us to get lost in the moment.
19:33You're forward plotting us getting lost in the moment?
19:35Well, yeah.
19:36You said you wanted to do more of that, right?
19:38Tim...
19:40You're a lovely guy, okay?
19:42A wonderful guy, in fact.
19:44And...
19:45You know, I am so very happy that I met you.
19:50You know, even thinking about moving to New Zealand with you has taught me something.
19:54That...
19:55That maybe one day I can move to New Zealand in the future.
19:59Wait.
20:01This is exactly the same thing that my mum just said to Ken.
20:04The template's the same, sure.
20:08So you're breaking up with me?
20:10I'm...
20:10I'm sorry.
20:13You're...
20:14You're a really lovely guy.
20:15Yeah.
20:16You're really nice.
20:16Shut up!
20:17Sure.
20:20Well...
20:21So there it goes.
20:25This might be the wrong time, but do you fancy going for dinner tonight?
20:29What?
20:30Too soon.
20:31It was too soon.
20:31Yeah, yeah.
20:32I thought it might be.
20:33Richard.
20:34You have had, since we were 16, to ask me out.
20:37I mean, you could have asked me out three months ago, but you chose to go to Norway.
20:42I've always been plan B.
20:44You were my plan A.
20:45Not now, Tim.
20:46Sorry.
20:48No, I am going to go travelling.
20:50I'm going to do it on my own.
20:51You know, for once in my life, I'm going to do something just for me.
20:54No.
20:55I get it.
20:57But just to be clear, you don't want me to come with you.
21:01P.
21:02P.
21:03P.
21:09Take a look at this.
21:10Have you seen this?
21:11Look.
21:12What's happening?
21:13I have no idea.
21:18You're going to have to hang around until the police get here, I'm afraid.
21:21Police?
21:22We found bones on the earth.
21:24Bones?
21:25What kind of bones?
21:26Chicken bones?
21:26Yeah, they stopped digging because they found someone's KFC.
21:29Human bones?
21:30Alas, poor Yorick.
21:32We don't know.
21:33But all work will need to be halted until further notice.
21:36Excuse me.
21:37Excuse me.
21:38Excuse me.
21:40Ha-ha-ha!
21:43Bones!
21:44Bones!
21:45Bones!
21:46Bones!
21:47Bones!
21:48Bones!
21:48Bones!
21:49Bones!
21:49Bones!
21:51Bones!
21:52Bones!
21:52Bones!
21:52Bones!
21:53Bones!
21:53Bones!
21:55Bones!
22:18Oh, hello.
22:20I wanted to give you this.
22:23Oh.
22:24Tim's asked me to go to New Zealand with him, just till he settles in.
22:30Thought you could look after this till I get back.
22:35All right.
22:37It's a pear tree.
22:39Its blossom is meant to represent lasting friendship.
22:48You don't get nothing.
22:56Kinda heavy?
22:59Yeah.
23:01Why not?
23:09Oh, bugger, I've left my phone.
23:11It's all right, I'll get it.
23:29Hello there.
23:31But...
23:32All right.
23:37Sorry about earlier.
23:39I just...
23:40couldn't.
23:46What you got there?
23:48It's a plum tree.
23:51I like plums.
23:52Oh.
23:55Me too.
23:58Yeah.
24:13For God's sake, have we got a girl in the spine?
24:15Have you got on the phone?
24:16Yes, Dad?
24:34Yes, Dad?
24:37I like that.
24:37Yeah.
24:42So where are you gonna go then?
24:45TBC.
24:47To be continued.
24:49To be confirmed.
24:51Oh, that.
24:52TBC.
24:53TBC.
24:55Well...
24:57When you get back, I'll still feel the same.
25:02Well, thanks for finally telling me how you feel.
25:06Even if it wasn't a voicemail from your dad to my ex-boyfriend's mum.
25:11Well, I guess I've figured what's the modern-day equivalent of a message in a ball.
25:19I can't believe I've messed this up so badly.
25:22Look, I'm not saying never, Richard.
25:27I guess...
25:28me and you can be TBC for now.
25:31To be confirmed?
25:33To be continued.
25:34Oh, the other one this time.
25:36What?
25:38Have you ever thought about auditioning for comedy roles?
25:41I think you'd be quite good.
25:43Casting directors disagree.
25:46Why don't you write your own show?
25:48Hello, Jen.
25:53What would I write about?
25:56Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to the Greenfield allotment
26:01who love to fight another day!
26:02Yay!
26:04And, uh, well, we're celebrating.
26:07My wife and I would like to announce
26:08that we have decided to renew our wedding vows.
26:12And you're all invited!
26:13Yay!
26:15Oh, no, no, no, sorry.
26:17Shirley?
26:18I didn't see you there.
26:20Three stars on TripAdvisor, indeed.
26:24Anyway, on with the party!
26:26Yay!
26:33You alright?
26:35Yeah.
26:36I think so.
26:39So what now?
26:40What now?
26:42Well...
26:43We're gonna get up.
26:45We're gonna get dressed.
26:47And we're gonna keep buggering on.
26:49Ha, ha, ha.
26:51Ha, ha, ha.
26:53PHONE RINGS
26:57PHONE RINGS
26:58Sally!
26:59Hi!
26:59Richard, I've just heard back it's a no, I'm afraid.
27:03Right.
27:04But the casting director wants to ask if the other actor was available.
27:09Which actor?
27:10The one reading the other lines.
27:17Are you taking the piss?
27:19Hey!
27:22PHONE RINGS
27:35PHONE RINGS
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