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FunTranscript
00:00I love you.
00:36morning morning you're in a coffin i am yes do you want to talk about that or well
00:45john doherty over at bruma moy was selling it on the online and he gave me a very good price
00:51if that's what you're worried about that's not what i'm worried about no no i was just sort of
00:55trying it out and i mean i must have drifted off which is exactly what it's for to be fair
01:01what time is it by the way what's half past eleven is that you just out your pit
01:07uh says the man literally lying in a coffin eh get out of the coffin dad yeah no i won't
01:14get out of
01:14the coffin get out of the coffin dad i will not get out of the coffin richard okay fine then
01:22i'm
01:29still think we should email the producers about doing a spin-off we could call it dr sparrow's
01:33casebook not this again if anyone should get a spin-off it should be me judge basket was better
01:39than your character why can't it be about my character because your character's dead terry
01:43oh yeah headshot sorry terry no that's fine i shouldn't have been standing there
01:49are you actually planning on getting dressed today one sec guys my flatmate wants to ask me a question
01:54can i help you i am not letting you waste another day playing this silly computer game with your
02:00sad little actor pals we're not sad little actor pals although i'm a bit concerned about terry he's
02:05almost 60 yeah 62 actually headphones mute listen just because norway didn't work out doesn't mean
02:13you have to give up on life i've not given up on life i have bloody headphones meanwhile i've got
02:21to
02:21creep about the town pretend you're still in blooming norway no guesses for what we're eating
02:26company apocalypse oh yes we've had a tremendous yield up the allotment this year here stick that in
02:32my glory hole say again my glory hole uh you mean covered you say covered i say glory hole it's
02:43hardly
02:43tomato tomato is it your mother and i had tremendous use out of a glory hole over the years do
02:48you remember
02:48that list of words and phrases where i explained to you over years the meaning has changed sometimes
02:53quite drastically yes forget it
03:05i have to take him to the tailors hopefully alfonso will be able to fix him okay i'm sorry it
03:11was an accident
03:12how long is this going to go on for richard hey you skulking about the house in secret i mean
03:18honestly
03:19so what you got sacked i didn't get sacked me and the producers mutually agreed that my character would
03:25best serve the story by not being a part of it i mean you're still a young man i'm 39
03:31oh come on
03:32you've got all your own hair your lovely smile anything else you know mention the hair
03:43sally hi oh richard hi uh nothing's coming right same time next week oh benedict darling
03:51just trying out a new system to save time listen why don't you come up your mother's old allotment
03:59with me today hey you used to like it up there and i could do with your help to move
04:03one or two
04:04things what if emily sees me well just tell her the truth i'm sure she won't mind i've been sending
04:09her photos with me and other actors on set for the last three months now i've had to do four
04:13photoshop
04:14tutorials you can't hide away forever you'll need to take a leaf out of my book i'm up that allotment
04:20every day getting my steps in tilling this soil feeling this sun in my face i'm even an admin
04:26on the forest what is up group it's whatsapp and everyone's an admin well at least come to the
04:31town hall with me tonight what for what for is this what for the saver allotment campaign to stop
04:38the council chucking us off the land and selling it to some bloody developer i didn't know they were
04:43gonna do that come on son i could use your help i'm sorry dad i can't well you're gonna have
04:55to
04:55leave the house at some point today why will you be careful i'm going to live in that when i'm
05:06dead
05:06i still can't believe you've done this i don't want you spending your money on me when i'm dead
05:13this is an investment in your future stocks would have been fine remind me to take you off my
05:20pallbearer list will you it's the pollen i've not been exposed for a while oh and pull those trousers
05:25up richard what are people gonna think
05:42all right mr. Pritch hello Emily love is everything okay oh yes yes yes aye aye
05:52okay um I'm gonna have to get that hold all I lent you back I'm going away for the weekend
05:56and um that is a coffin yes yes it is aye John Doherty yes thought it might be well as
06:08far as
06:08coffins go yes I'm actually very pleased with it myself apart from the fact it keeps doing that
06:23this is Emily hi there are things
06:38so you're back yeah yeah I just got a couple of days off so I thought I'd come back see
06:45the old man
06:46old man who's that you oh charming old man there you go thank you
06:56oh oh I'll take that
07:06so off anywhere nice just the Lake District I've booked myself into a spa who are you going with
07:15no one just a bit of me time
07:21I'm enjoying all the photos from set good what's Kelly MacDonald like she's a total sweetheart yeah
07:30and a very generous performer oh cool what about um Robert Carlyle nightmare oh well I mean it's an
07:40amazing cast to be part of I've actually got a scene with Martin Compton tomorrow so I'm flying back
07:45tonight wow gosh is there any Scottish actor not in this show I could name one and this this look
07:55yeah it's um I'm playing this detective he's got a lot of inner pain is that because his washing machine
08:02is broken
08:07um yeah right well uh I I should really I'll see you out see you later Mr. Pritch enjoy
08:18I love Martin Compton you get me a selfie definitely yeah that's easy um I mean he doesn't
08:27let many people into his inner circle Marty yeah that's what he lets me call him um but I think
08:33he's taking a bit of a shame to me so yeah I'll definitely get that selfie thanks it's nice to
08:42see you
08:42thank you bye Emily bye Richard
09:02that worked out well how's that exactly now she knows you're back you can come up the allotment with me
09:20what are you Richard what are you doing back big change one more week there
09:30yes Dr. Sparrow all right Ian Jan how are you both oh grand we're actually just off to marriage
09:38counselling oh I'm sorry to hear that nothing wrong with our marriage no no the counsellors
09:45moved up here from London and we want to see what her house looks like 60 grand she spent doing
09:49it
09:49oh isn't this exciting we don't want to be less just saying there what am I like
10:00are you winning aftershoots no I'm not but I wish you were stink coming off you
10:15Richard Pritchard Pritchard Mr. Williams oh come now Horace we're not in drama class anymore
10:25so my protégé returns I presume all the letters of thanks for the success
10:32you've had over the years were lost in the post I wouldn't call it success so what news from the
10:39front aka Shaftesbury Avenue just she asked for me I wouldn't know at the moment I'm very much
10:47round the corner in the ITV3 cul-de-sac how's it been since since the headmaster caught me with the
10:53bottle of peach snaps in the janitor's cupboard well I was gonna say early retirement but well as you
10:59can see I'm thriving I pay 28 pounds a year to sit here drink wine enjoy the view so you
11:07tell me
11:08who's winning I think you'll find that to me would you care to join me for a glass of Chateauneuf
11:15de
11:16Pat well like when you ask me that at school I missed a little early for me Kareth you'll be
11:24at
11:24the town hall tonight I presume oh yes yes we'll be there in force I've organized a strategy meeting
11:31beforehand I thought the pub would be good oh you might well listen it's uh it's been a great to
11:39to catch up quickly quickly can we just do the hank step this way up yet bloody hell that was
11:50quick
11:51can we get this over with I want to be home for tipping point there you go well this is
11:57what you
11:57needed help moving haha it's heavier than it looks I'll find you I will find you it's like I got
12:04a gun
12:04okay it's just Paul somebody's been stealing his radishes so he's just walking about with a gun oh
12:11it's not a gun it's an air rifle I mean you can't do a lot of damage shooting air can
12:15you that's not
12:16what an air rifle is yes yes there you go I'll put the kettle on a bit of bump and
12:29grind don't it
12:30what a bit of bump and grind we're updating that list of words and phrases tonight
12:57oh gotcha you filthy tea lady oh I've detained the suspect
13:06misunderstanding misunderstanding is it let me explain where is he oh good the guns here now
13:11this must be your radish thief Paul I mean look at the state of him I've been having a bit
13:15of a rough
13:15time lately shut it okay do you know how long it takes to grow a radish sorry is that a
13:22real question
13:2360 days in total 60 it's not bad actually right well they are one of the fastest growing vegetables to
13:31be
13:31fair yeah that's why I like them like you keep necking them everything okay please stop doing that
13:43oh Beth seems nice oh yes yes she's a lovely woman lost her husband about a year ago did they
13:52check the
13:52body for rake mugs she's actually moved up here from England to be closer to her son what's that oh
14:03that
14:03that's a that's something your mother left me it's a kind of gardening encyclopedia you know
14:12she didn't want her she didn't want me to let the place go to ruin
14:17means you nearly did I just oh I couldn't face coming up here without her you know
14:24I know done I'm sorry well there you are life moves on eh yeah I knew it was after she've
14:35give me that love burn I think you can get a cream for that that's private he's written on the
14:42ball
14:46nosing people's stuff how would you like it if I stuck my nose into your affairs no you wouldn't like
14:53it then would you hi uh Beth we didn't really get a chance to meet mainly because you were assaulting
15:03me with a reek I'm sorry about that I thought you were a hobo oh no not a hobo a
15:11skag head is that
15:12the one oh I can't believe I attacked dr. sparrow don't worry about it I love detective manners me and
15:20the girlies used to get together every Sunday night with a bottle of wine and try and guess who the
15:25killer was apart from Rachinda the wine I mean she's muslin mmm bit lovely well yeah oh did that
15:33sound racist I can't keep up now Richard look at toilets I mean what's going on with them now and
15:39people they say it's your responsibility to educate yourself go online go where I'm only on the Facebook
15:46and we're all as confused as each other I better head off before I get cancelled I just want everyone
15:52to be happy sure things change so quickly and what if I say the wrong thing god they don't give
15:57you a second chance these days and I never mean any harm but sometimes my mouth runs on the head
16:04of my
16:04brain sorry about that no don't don't apologize
16:23are you are you gonna turn them off or oh yes yes let me see now it's you just you
16:29you know you
16:30just press that which you just press that button which button you're just you're just unlocking the
16:34phone not conducting an orchestra I don't know I press here Richard is it to snooze or stop oh my
16:39god
16:39there's two of them do you Bonnie and lemonade sorry again Horace shot you in the eye then did he
16:53Horace well the doctor thought he didn't really need the eye patch but Horace insistent and so it
17:00was mr. Williams who was stealing your radishes oh I didn't mean to shoot them the air rifle must have
17:05been faulty faulty towers oh I loved that were you in that one Richard what shall we begin I must
17:15say
17:15I thought there'd be a better turn out tonight sorry Horace my son was gonna come but he's on holiday
17:20with his partner he's a personal trainer Richard if he felt like pulling yourself together first point of
17:27order I think I should speak on our behalf tonight really even with the eye patch what's the matter
17:33Richard worried you won't have top billing now I know these allotments I know their stories
17:41take Glenna she took a stroke there remember that Glenna well not really because of the stroke you live
17:49alone if it had happened at home you'd be dead well the doctor said it was only a small you'd
17:55be
17:55deceased Glenda all right one might even say it was a stroke of good luck I'd rather you didn't
18:03okay Paul you were an addict well you're always an addict Horace but yes since I took up the
18:11allotment two years ago I have been free of all drugs right whose round is it I am one with
18:32the
18:32allotment I'm a gentle breeze that blows through I am the morning dew on the lawn oh I wondered who
18:39that was well I think she'd maybe still have a vote on it would you still want to vote if
18:45you heard me
18:46say daffodils that came before the swallow deer and took the winds of March with beauty yeah I think I
18:57think we should still have a boat it's it's the eye patch yeah it's the eye patch for me okay
19:03so
19:04everyone who thinks that Horace should speak for us tonight raise your hands
19:10very well who do you think should speak on our behalf well I think it should be somebody who's not
19:19afraid of being on stage who can maybe sort of you know learn their lines in in a professional way
19:30absolutely not oh come on it's only for tonight you're a performer you're used to dealing with crowds
19:37well I am a performer and you're a very good one too well you know I've always said it's by
19:44finding
19:44the truth and whatever I know what you're doing and I'm not falling for it oh listen if you won't
19:50do it for me do it for your mother she made me promise to look after the place and she
19:54did see
19:55try and get Richard to help if you can oh it's funny how I was never privy to these apparent
20:01conversations and she said you'd see that big snaps please Jim always in the study never the
20:09starring role good to have you back Richard one lager and one double gin lovely dr. sparrow I cannot wait
20:26for the new show to come out I've been learning Norwegian it's an English gin what oh well still
20:34looking forward to it and I think someone might be replacing pile on Paul at number one on the wall
20:40of fame God rest his soul well no he's not dead love well he has learned his lesson oh completely
20:51converted the basement she has Richard who the marriage counselor that's where she has her
20:56appointments she's actually booked us in for next week thanks we have some deep-rooted unresolved
21:02issues we need to work through and we only went in for a nosy that will be 12 and 45
21:12please
21:13including their pitch snaps
21:28oh
21:33someone told me if you're nervous about making a speech
21:37you should imagine the audience naked never work for me I remember looking at everybody during my
21:45husband's eulogy thinking you should be ashamed to yourself turn it up like that
21:53where's your respect oh oh my god it's my team team team team over here everyone my son's here
22:04oh there he is now hi Tim first name Tim you're called Tim sorry I got confused what is your
22:13first
22:13name Richard hi Richard what are you doing here you're meant to be on holiday bloody car broke down
22:19we had to get towed back from Inverness still it means that I can be here with you now so
22:25where's
22:25your lovely lady oh she's coming oh there she is hi everyone mr bridge so did Richard get back okay
22:34well he scurried under the table quick enough
22:47hi Richard hi Emily just under the table at the moment hey dude you okay hi yeah I was just
22:54saying to
22:55Emily Emily I'm just under the table at the moment cool so are you two um yeah yeah great that's
23:04great to hear
23:05that's just say that's us going in now son okay I'm just gonna have a minute here so do you
23:12want
23:13us to just leave you here if you wouldn't mind
23:32it shouldn't be too much longer now maybe we should reschedule no need I am fully prepared you can just
23:41speak from the floor sir well I'm up here now we must take the current as it serves or lose
23:49our ventures
23:53why do I even bother absolute waste of time break your legs sorry everyone sorry everyone
24:09uh okay uh we are here to to ask you uh nay demand well ask let's let's ask first that
24:17you don't
24:18chuck us off the land I I don't know what you've got planned for it a big waitress big waitress
24:24seriously
24:24is that that is fun that's not on that is not on we're not gonna stand for that you just
24:31take your
24:32waitrose and and your extensive dip selection and you take that elsewhere okay I mean look all we're
24:37here to do is to ask you really to agree to give us more time before making any decisions okay
24:44these
24:45allotments they mean a lot to people uh to me to the town I mean I'm from the town I'm
24:53from forests you
24:55know as much as I fight against it I am from forests it's been I'm forest sir yeah we were
25:04all foresters
25:05yeah yeah yeah um I mean my mom was from forests uh yeah your mom was from forests your mom
25:13was from
25:13forests and your mom was from forest forest yeah I don't know why I posed it that the point is
25:20we we
25:20are for us and for you to build a waitrose you're gonna have to go through us first yeah
25:26yeah
25:26yeah
25:27yeah
25:32and I never went to Norway
25:37well I did but I got fired sorry for not telling you Jen I'm sorry to barrel it the big
25:46shock
25:55all right Richie all right Dixie do you want some radishes uh nah I'm all right I don't even know
26:01why
26:01I nick them to be honest see you in a bit Nick see you later hey oh why didn't you
26:15just tell me
26:19I think I can cope with everyone else thinking I'm a failure just not you
26:27I don't think you're a failure Richard I mean I think you're weird
26:33that's a fair comment that's what I've always liked about you
26:40so Tim yeah well thought you weren't coming back
26:49sorry I didn't say anything
26:55well I better go um see you around now that you're not hiding from me
27:02look I'm I'm really sorry
27:10hello
27:12hey
27:14a few of us are heading to the beastie just me Horace Paul
27:20and Beth
27:23well you better get going then
27:25okay
27:27you wouldn't mind taking Percy back home with you would you
27:29oh seriously
27:32okay fine
27:34thanks son
27:34I'll see you back at the house
27:36see you back at the house
27:41here we go
27:53looks like it's just me and you then mate
27:59the program again
28:07you
28:08you
28:10you
28:10you
28:10you
28:10you
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