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FunTranscript
00:01Okay, you ready?
00:03That's a load of bloody nonsense.
00:05Aye, yes, or...?
00:06I've been driving for 50 years.
00:07I learned to drive in an ice cream van, for Christ's sake.
00:10You learned to drive in an ice cream van?
00:12Yes, things were a wee bit more relaxed in my day.
00:15Why have I got to re-sit my tests anyway?
00:19You drove into a swimming pool?
00:20Once.
00:21That's not a three-strike system, Dad.
00:23Right, okay, you're tested at 2 o'clock,
00:25so we've got a few hours to go through everything.
00:26Now, first up, they're going to test your eyesight, okay?
00:29So you have to be able to read a licence plate from 20 metres away.
00:33She read 59 MXT?
00:36Yeah, not your own.
00:38Er, okay.
00:38Here we go.
00:431, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.
00:58Yeah, this is fine.
01:00Yeah, Jack.
01:01I can see it quite clearly.
01:03No, no, you have to come here.
01:04What are you eating?
01:06Eh?
01:06Come here.
01:07I can't hear you from there, Richard.
01:1119, 18, 17, 16, 15.
01:15Can you hear me now?
01:16Eh?
01:17Course you can't.
01:1714, 13, 12, 11.
01:21Oh, 11.
01:22Ah, ah.
01:22Great.
01:23How can I help you?
01:24The number plates?
01:2620 metres?
01:27Oh, yes, yes, you mentioned.
01:29Yeah.
01:29Yeah, I did.
01:31So follow me.
01:3220, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.
01:42Now?
01:43Yes.
01:44Now.
01:45No, sorry.
01:45You've gone again.
01:4819, 18, 17, 16, 15.
01:53OK.
01:54Have you been to the toilet?
01:56Yes.
01:57Number one and number two.
01:59Right.
01:59Then another number one, but I just remain seated for that one.
02:02I don't need to know that, Dad.
02:05OK.
02:05So I think we should do this under test conditions to get you prepared.
02:10So for the next couple of hours, I won't be Richard, I'll be Benjamin.
02:16You're mine again?
02:17You?
02:18Oh, me.
02:19Right.
02:19OK.
02:22Do you mind?
02:24I'm taking time out of my busy schedule to help you.
02:28All right.
02:29Schedule.
02:30Still.
02:31Oh, it's from Beth.
02:33She's tagged me on a picture of her new sunflower plant on Facebook.
02:37Isn't that lovely?
02:39I'll just give her a wee poke.
02:42Lovely.
02:43I thought you'd given up on Facebook.
02:45I did, but then Beth showed me how to use it properly.
02:48And she doesn't roll her eyes when I ask questions.
02:52I post all the time now.
02:55Do you?
02:57Dad, what are these?
03:00These aren't posts.
03:01They're complaint emails you've written on your wall.
03:05Wall?
03:06What wall?
03:06Albion Bank.
03:08BT.
03:09To whomever it may concern, my landline hasn't been working for six weeks now.
03:14Hmm.
03:15Despite repeated emails.
03:17Well, you mean Facebook posts.
03:18When will you be sending someone out?
03:22Oh.
03:24I worry about my son when he is in the house alone as he will have no way of communicating
03:29with me if he needs his dad.
03:31I mean, what the hell?
03:33You posted that on Facebook.
03:35That'll be why no bugger's replying to me, is it?
03:37I mean, what were you thinking?
03:38You just type it anywhere and somehow it'll get to them.
03:42800 likes.
03:44All laughing emojis.
03:46Emily.
03:47I'm happy to go round and let him out for a pee.
03:50Oh, amazing.
03:51Oh, she's very funny, her.
03:53Very funny.
03:55Outdoor swim done.
03:56And off to brunch with my fave.
03:58That'll be Tim.
04:00Yes, I know that.
04:02Okay.
04:02Lesson number one.
04:04Checking your phone in the car is an automatic fail.
04:07No more distractions.
04:09No more phones.
04:10Okay?
04:12PHONE RINGS
04:15Sally!
04:16Hi!
04:16Richard, how are you?
04:18I'm, er...
04:19What it is, I just heard from a little birdie that there's going to be a Detective Manners spin-off.
04:25Seriously?
04:26Now, I don't know which character it's going to focus on, but I'll find out by the end of the
04:29day.
04:30I mean, it has to be you, doesn't it?
04:32Your character was the best character as far as I'm concerned.
04:35Erm, well, thanks Sally.
04:37Yes, which one were you again?
04:39Dr. Sparrow.
04:41Dr. Sparrow.
04:41Sparrow.
04:41Spell it.
04:43S-P-A-R-R-O-W.
04:45Oh, W-O-W.
04:46Yes, that's right.
04:47Unforgettable, Richard.
04:48I'll be in touch.
04:49PHONE RINGS
04:51Well, that was interesting.
04:54Sorry, I can't say anything about it yet.
04:56Oh, well, that's fine.
04:57What it is, is it probably means I'm going to get my own TV show.
05:00By the way, I'll tell you I bumped into Catherine Rutherford the other day and her wee granddaughter.
05:05Many times.
05:06They've apparently decided to go on their first family holiday together and they can't decide...
05:11Can't decide whether to go to Portugal or Turkey.
05:14Oh.
05:15Well, where did they end up choosing?
05:18What do you mean, where did they end up choosing? It's your story. You know they chose Turkey.
05:22Who did?
05:23Starting from now, I'm Benjamin.
05:26And when you think it's safe to do so, turn on the engine.
05:35Is it safe?
05:37Yes.
05:38It is safe.
05:39It is perfectly safe.
05:47Check your mirrors.
05:48Check your mirrors.
05:50Check your mirrors.
05:50Check your mirrors.
05:52Check your mirrors.
05:56Oh, look.
05:57Check.
05:57See?
05:58That's 17 degrees there.
05:59See that?
06:01Back into your eyes and...
06:05And we're...
06:08It's okay.
06:10It's okay.
06:11Engine on.
06:12Engine on.
06:14Biting point.
06:16And...
06:17Gas.
06:19It's okay.
06:21Engine on.
06:24Biting point.
06:27Gas.
06:29Okay.
06:29Right.
06:30What you need to do...
06:31I know how to start a bloody car.
06:34Evidence would suggest otherwise.
06:36It's you.
06:37You're making me nervous.
06:38It's not me, is it?
06:39It's Benjamin.
06:41I hate to tell you, but Benjamin's turning out to be an almighty prick.
06:52And we're off.
06:54That's set up to 18 now.
06:56Yeah.
06:56Maybe think about second...
06:59Eh?
07:00Why have we stopped?
07:01I don't...
07:02What did you say?
07:03I just asked you to put the car into second gear.
07:06Oh.
07:06All right.
07:07Yeah.
07:09We're turning right up ahead.
07:11What?
07:12I can't drive the car and listen to you at the same time.
07:16It's a driving test.
07:17You need to take instructions.
07:24It's down to 17 now.
07:27What is this obsession with the temperature?
07:30Eh?
07:43Good.
07:44OK, Mr Pritchard.
07:46In a couple moments' time, I'd like you to attempt a reverse parallel park.
07:50Oh.
07:51Oh, look, there's Tim.
07:53Oh, God.
07:54I'll just give him a wee beep.
07:55Eh?
07:56No.
07:56The horn is to alert your presence to other drivers,
07:59not to greet pedestrians.
08:01I always think it's polite to beep somebody, you know.
08:04What's it with you and beeping at people the minute you recognise them?
08:06Honestly, it's like when you used to drive me to school.
08:08You'd beep at anyone who passed who was wearing a school uniform.
08:11It was madness.
08:13Every morning, I'd end up waving at my entire class.
08:15I'd look like the Queen.
08:16Oh.
08:19All right, here you go.
08:24Richard.
08:25You beeped.
08:26Well, my dad did.
08:27Again?
08:27Hello.
08:28What are you two up to, then?
08:29Quick driving lesson?
08:31Bit of father-son bonding, eh?
08:32Yeah, I miss that.
08:34But on a day like today, when the old sun parts those dark grey clouds, I think...
08:38Yeah.
08:39That's him.
08:41Shining down on me.
08:42Yeah, apparently it's meant to rain later.
08:45Mr Pritch, do you mind if I call you Mr Pritch?
08:48Oh, yes, yes, yes.
08:49Well, my dear old mum, she's coming with me to Avimor next week.
08:52I'm running a 10K.
08:55And, um, she just wondered if you'd mind keeping her company at the finish line.
08:59Oh, lovely.
09:01I've actually just finished giving her a wee poke there.
09:05Um, you tell your mother I'd be absolutely delighted.
09:09Okay.
09:10Huh.
09:10Take care and, er, stick with the driving, Richard.
09:13Yeah.
09:14No.
09:14No, I can drive.
09:15It's him that can't drive.
09:16I'll pass my turns when I was 17.
09:18Turn!
09:19Turn!
09:21Give him a wee beep.
09:22Watch us drive.
09:31What are you doing?
09:33Who are you waving to?
09:35That was Joan Dempster.
09:37You don't need to beep every time.
09:40Who even was that?
09:41They're singing with us and watch our face.
09:43We're close friends, then.
09:46What?
09:49Come on, I'm coming!
09:52What are you doing?
09:54Get back!
09:54You're driving!
09:55Aww!
09:56It'll get cold!
10:02Shit!
10:04Oh, my God!
10:06I can't stop you!
10:09Come on!
10:10Who's that me they're tooting?
10:17So, did I pass?
10:19Is that a serious question?
10:21You mean I failed?
10:22Multiple times.
10:24Eh?
10:27Oh, it's...
10:28What do we do now?
10:29I don't know, Dad.
10:31I didn't realise things had gotten so bad.
10:33Oh, how we...
10:36There's...
10:36One or two wee hiccups.
10:38What's that?
10:39Nothing major.
10:40What about when you nearly hit that lollipop lady?
10:42Well, what the hell was she doing standing in the middle of the bloody road anyway?
10:48Look...
10:48Maybe you should just use the bus from now on.
10:52I mean, it's free.
10:53Oh, it's free.
10:54When it turns up.
10:57Well, we're gonna have to postpone your test.
10:58Oh, come on.
10:59For heaven's sake.
11:00What's happened?
11:01Let's not be defeatist.
11:02Not being defeatist.
11:03I'm being realistic.
11:05Realistic?
11:07Realistic, Richard?
11:09Can I tell you something, son?
11:11Ninety percent of my life is spent working round the things I'm not allowed to do anymore.
11:17I'm not allowed to go hill walking.
11:18I'm not allowed to eat grease.
11:20If I see somebody with bright green hair and pins sticking out their face, I'm not allowed to mention it.
11:26If I don't get my licence back, that is just one more thing in my life that's closed off to
11:32me.
11:32And you know what?
11:34There comes a point when you just think to yourself.
11:37What is the use?
11:39What's my use?
11:44Okay.
11:46I suppose we could give it one more try.
11:51Really?
11:53If you listen to me and do exactly as I say.
11:58I will, son. I will. I will.
12:01Engine on.
12:05Mirrors.
12:08Oh, look, there's Ian and Jen.
12:10Unbelievable.
12:15Hi, Ken.
12:16Dr. Sparrow.
12:17Good to see you behind the wheel again, Ken.
12:19I don't suppose you'd give us a lift to the pub.
12:22We need to open and we're running a bit late.
12:24Afraid no.
12:25Awful good of you, Ken.
12:26Yeah, yeah. Thanks, lads.
12:27Don't mention it.
12:29So, been anywhere nice?
12:31The old marriage counselling again.
12:33She can't get enough of us.
12:35Asked if she did loyalty cards.
12:38She didn't laugh.
12:40Not even a flicker.
12:42How's that all going?
12:44Um...
12:44That's fine.
12:45Grand.
12:46Grand.
12:49Oh, how was that, my love?
12:51Nothing.
12:53Just what you said in there.
12:55What did I say in there?
12:57Just about me using laughter as a way of not dealing with things.
13:03I didn't say that, did I?
13:06Yes.
13:07Which is fine.
13:11I suppose she said it, but you sort of did a nod along.
13:16A nod along?
13:18Traffic's taken quite well, isn't it?
13:19Right.
13:22So, did you mean to nod along, or...?
13:25Well, I suppose if I did nod along, then, um...
13:28You know, maybe she might possibly have something.
13:32So you agree with her?
13:33I think it might be, um, temporary traffic lights.
13:36I don't agree with her.
13:38You don't do it all the time.
13:39It is. It's, uh, temporary traffic lights.
13:41I do it some of the time, do I?
13:45Maybe. Some of the time. Maybe.
13:48Maybe.
13:50You see, that's up to 19 degrees now.
13:52Is it? That's strange.
14:05I think we might just walk the rest of the way, lads.
14:07Are you sure?
14:08Yeah, I mean, the pub's right there, to be fair.
14:11Thanks for the lift.
14:13No worries.
14:23Why?
14:24Come on.
14:25The light's green.
14:31You said you had the keys, you feckin' idiot.
14:36Turn the wheel. Keep turning the wheel.
14:39Stop turning the wheel.
14:40And-and checking your blind spot.
14:42Where is that again?
14:44Good. This is good.
14:46Just maintain the speed.
14:49Oh, and braking to a halt.
14:55And brake on.
14:57Great. You're doing great.
14:59Don't patronise me.
15:01I cannot win with you.
15:17Ah.
15:18Oh, God.
15:20Er, change of planning.
15:21You go.
15:21Your turn.
15:22Hey!
15:22Now!
15:25Now, Dad!
15:26Oh, Dad!
15:27You are such bloody madness!
15:39OK, nice. Well done.
15:41Sure. Where the hell am I going?
15:42Just follow Tim for a bit.
15:44Follow Tim?
15:45Yeah, that's right.
15:46Follow the pedestrian. That's part of the test now, is it?
15:49You never know. They update it all the time.
15:51OK, right.
15:52Right!
15:53Oh, right!
15:53Oh, right!
15:55There he is.
15:56There he is. Keep up!
15:58I'm keepin' up! I'm keepin' up!
15:59Right, floor it!
16:00This is bloomin' madness!
16:03Do you want to pass this test or not?
16:04What the hell has gotten into you?
16:09Alright, Richie.
16:11What am I like, eh?
16:12Are you OK, Diggsie?
16:14Aye, I'm fine.
16:17Hello, Darren.
16:19Sorry about the hurt.
16:20Ah, no worries.
16:21Oh, nice petunias.
16:23I am, yeah.
16:25I mean the flowers.
16:27Oh, they are, yeah.
16:29I'm gettin' into hort...
16:30hort...
16:31hort...
16:32hort... hort... hort...
16:33horticulture.
16:34That's the one.
16:35Ah.
16:35Well, that's good, son.
16:36That's great, eh.
16:38That'll keep you out of trouble.
16:40It is, yeah.
16:41Oi!
16:42Keep that buck!
16:43Take care, yeah?
16:46Get back here!
16:48Oi!
16:48Oh, great.
16:49Now Tim's gone.
16:50Well done.
16:52Well, that'll be me failed again, is it?
17:03Here you go.
17:04What's happening?
17:06Well, thankfully she updates her stories quite a lot, so I'm sure she'll post through their meetings soon.
17:13It's not a stocking.
17:15I'm saying nothing.
17:18Sounds a wee bit like stocking to me though.
17:20Well, that's not saying nothing, is it?
17:23Oh, come on!
17:23Why is it so important that we have to find out where they're meeting anyway?
17:27Because I think Tim is about to propose to Emily.
17:30You're a big galoot, ye. Honestly, why didn't you tell her how you felt about her years ago?
17:36I don't know.
17:38I don't know.
17:38There's just always been this potential between me and her.
17:42I guess I felt that as long as it stayed potential, then I couldn't mess it up like everything else.
17:49But now the idea that there won't even be a chance and that I've waited too long.
17:54I, ah...
17:59Yass! We're in.
18:00We're at bonnie appetite.
18:01Right, let's go.
18:01Aye, let's go, let's go.
18:02Right, eh...
18:03So, what's the plan?
18:04I don't know.
18:05Oh, marvellous.
18:21What now?
18:23I don't know. Just observe, I suppose.
18:26That's your big romantic gesture, is it?
18:28Just to spy on her.
18:30Just give me a minute.
18:35Why is she laughing so much? That's our thing.
18:38Listen, I don't mean to rush you, but my test isn't half an hour.
18:41You all right.
18:44Oh, no, you don't.
18:47Oh, so you're allowed to beep now, are you?
18:49Stay there.
18:52Emily!
18:54Tim, I thought that was you.
18:57Hello.
18:57Richard.
18:58Oi.
18:59What are you up to?
19:00Uh, just giving my dad a final driving lesson before his test.
19:04Because I can drive.
19:05Right.
19:06Ah, sort of.
19:08I mean, don't call you three-prang-pritchard for nothing.
19:10None of those were my fault.
19:11Good case.
19:12Oh.
19:14Looks nice.
19:18I should let you eat.
19:20Because otherwise it'd be weird.
19:23Well, tell Mr. Pritch good luck from us.
19:26I take it you've called the swimming pool to warn him that he's back on the road, yeah?
19:30I should, shouldn't I?
19:40I should do this more often, the three of us.
19:46Or I could bring someone.
19:48Right.
19:48Bring your dad.
19:49No, I met a girl.
19:50If I met a girl, I would bring a girl.
19:53Yeah, yeah, just, just let us know.
20:00Was there anything else?
20:01No.
20:03That's all, Fox!
20:04I've never done that before in my life.
20:06Oh.
20:11Yeah, yeah, how'd that go?
20:22I was meaning to ask, actually, uh, what's the food like here?
20:26Uh, well, we don't know, because, uh, some guy keeps interrupting us before we can take
20:30a bite.
20:31Oh, right, right.
20:32Um, well, do you want to take a bite now?
20:36What, you want to watch?
20:38Well, I'll.
20:39Yeah, yeah, okay, sure, I'll, I'll try some.
20:44Moist.
20:46And how, how does it, uh, taste?
20:49Like eggs.
20:49Oh, excellent.
20:51Or should I say egg-cellent?
20:53No.
20:53No.
20:54I've also been meaning to ask, um, uh, you know this one, Tim, uh, what is an egg?
20:59Is that a vegetable, or what food group would you put it?
21:03Then, then egg is a member of the protein food group.
21:06Egg is a member of the protein food group.
21:08Oh, of course, of course, egg-cellent, I've done that one.
21:12Did you fall over today?
21:13Well, I think I've, um, I think I've got the information I came for, uh, so I, I, uh,
21:18I shall bid you head you.
21:20Adieu!
21:22Okay.
21:23Bye.
21:25Shh, go back.
21:27Come on, you can do it.
21:28Go, go, go.
21:30Go back.
21:33I'm sorry, I'm sorry to do this, mister.
21:35You just keep your hands on the table where I can see them.
21:39Wait, are you in on this?
21:41Is this one of your jokes that I don't get?
21:44Yeah, I just want to make it clear I have nothing to do with this.
21:46Okay.
21:47Well, I wanted to show you.
21:48I'm getting my own TV show.
21:51Oh, well, that's, that's, that's great, Richard, but, um, now might not be the best time.
21:56Yeah, I wasn't going to say anything, but, uh, you forced it out of me, Tim.
21:59Grrrr!
22:00Did I?
22:01Yeah, it's a Doctor Spiral spin-off.
22:03Oh, okay, well, that, that's amazing.
22:06Congrats, man.
22:07Is that everything?
22:09Is that everything?
22:11Is that everything?
22:13Okay, well, while you're thinking about it, what is it you wanted to show me?
22:16So?
22:17No, don't!
22:17What is going on, Richard?
22:19Shh, don't make any decisions, no.
22:21What do you mean?
22:21What does he mean?
22:22I really don't know.
22:25I just wanted to show you my dad's old ring.
22:26Oh!
22:28Oh, did they clean it up all right?
22:29Yeah, they did a really good job, actually.
22:31Oh, really?
22:31She did, Dad's, she, it's your dad's ring.
22:37I, I, I, I saw my flowers in the jewellers, and I thought, I, I, I, saved by the horn.
22:52Yeah, it's just been, that's, yeah, I'm going to go now.
23:04I'm not hungry anymore.
23:05No, me either.
23:09Thanks for getting me out of that.
23:11No, I beeped you because I wanted you to go into the shop and put my lottery on.
23:14No!
23:15No, just drive!
23:16As quick as you can!
23:17Oh, hey.
23:18So, how did that go?
23:19I can't feel my legs.
23:20Oh, I do.
23:21Right.
23:21I'll just, uh, salt my mirrors.
23:24No, forget the mirrors!
23:25No, no.
23:29Just take your time.
23:31You're shouting.
23:32I'm panicked.
23:33I'm sorry, okay?
23:35Nice and easy.
23:37Nice and easy.
23:37Engine on.
23:39Biting point.
23:41Accelerator.
23:46Engine on.
23:48Engine on.
23:48Accelerator.
23:49Accelerator.
23:50Accelerator.
23:53Frank, go on.
23:55Get out.
23:56I'm driving.
24:01Just nip in and do my lottery.
24:02Nope.
24:04No, no, no.
24:05It only took a minute for heaven's sake.
24:13Who put that there?
24:16Go on.
24:27What are you, Richie?
24:29What are you like, eh?
24:47Ken Pritchard?
24:50Don't mention it.
24:54That's me.
24:55If you'd like to follow me.
24:57Look, I'm sorry the driving lesson got about out of hand earlier.
25:02You'll be fine, Dad.
25:05And, just so you know, you have plenty of uses.
25:12Like a multi-tool.
25:27Good luck.
25:35Sally, hi.
25:36Richard, how are you?
25:37Please tell me you've got good news.
25:39Well, you know, I just might.
25:41Now, tell me, what was your character called again?
25:43Doctor Sparrow.
25:48Hello?
25:49Not Judge Basquiat, then.
25:56Oh, my God.
26:02Dad?
26:08I failed.
26:10I failed.
26:33I failed.
26:34You, too.
26:37Now, I will kill you.
26:37I failed.
26:37You, too.
26:39I will kill you.
26:40You, too.
26:42I failed.
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