- 2 days ago
Family Guy - Season 24 - Episode 02: Pumpkin Spice Girls
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00:01It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:15Lucky is a family guy. Lucky is a man who wants to give and can do all the things that
00:22make us laugh and cry.
00:25He's a family guy!
00:33We now return to Hung Sheldon.
00:38I don't think I have to say smart stuff anymore.
00:43Bazinga.
00:45Hello, family. Just wanted to give you guys a heads-up that I have catastrophically clogged the toilet.
00:50Catastrophically clogged?
00:51Well, let's just say your dress shoe couldn't scoop it all out.
00:55And the Emmy goes to...
00:58Bob's Burgers!
01:03Stupid things political.
01:05I guess everybody will just have to make a family trip to Starbucks.
01:09Well, I can't leave without my bathroom reading material.
01:12I'm gonna bring my pickup artist book. I'm learning how to neg.
01:15You can read that when you get home.
01:17You know, you're really pretty for a broad with small boobs.
01:20I gotta read chapter two.
01:26God, this place is sad. Look at that loser working on his screenplay.
01:30Oh, that's Brian.
01:32Interior. Space brothel. Day.
01:35You know, I think it has potential.
01:36Why do we always come to a coffee shop when our toilets don't work?
01:40Well, coffee shop toilets are strong.
01:43They're stress-tested daily, and I guarantee to be able to flush a homeless man's pants.
01:51What you're picking up is Pop-Tarts and a hint of Mango White Claw.
01:55Now, is that? No. It can't be.
02:07Pumpkin Spice Latte is back? But it's a day early!
02:10I have a Google Alert on my phone for that, and Luke Hemsworth.
02:14I want to be the first one to know when he becomes a successful actor.
02:17I also see you had a pap smear today.
02:19Yeah, my pap is still a little tender.
02:22Anyway, two pumpkin spice lattes, please.
02:25You can say I like those a latte.
02:29Cool beans, huh?
02:32What broodiful news!
02:34Okay, you gotta give me something here.
02:36I live in my car.
02:37Oh, way to make it all about you.
02:40Meg! It's the start of pumpkin spice latte season!
02:44What's that?
02:44A very special day for white women everywhere.
02:47Even bigger than Martha Stewart's birthday.
02:49August 3rd.
02:50Honey, there comes a day when every white girl must become a white woman.
02:54Today is that day.
02:59Makein' my way downtown.
03:01Walkin' fast.
03:02Face is passin' and homebound.
03:09Staring black in your head.
03:11Just makin' my way, makin' my way through the crowd.
03:20And I need you.
03:22And I'll miss you.
03:25And I'll miss you.
03:26And now I wonder if I could fall into the sky.
03:33Do you think time wouldn't pass me by?
03:39Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you.
03:49You don't tell me to connect the dots.
03:51You connect your own dots.
03:52Oh my god, it's a giraffe!
03:54Lois, look!
03:54I thought it was going to be a palm tree, but the antlers were a dead giveaway.
03:57Hey bitch, let's get PSLs.
03:59Mama wants to nut some Megs.
04:01Oh honey, it's been a month.
04:03Pumpkin spice latte season is over.
04:06Over?
04:06What do you mean, over?
04:07Well, it's a seasonal beverage.
04:10I mean, this is why I always have withdrawals this time of year and quickly lose patience with family and
04:14friends.
04:15I told you, no straws in the living room!
04:21Let me make you something fall adjacent that'll help tide you over.
04:25Mama?
04:26What the deuce, Stewie?
04:27Ah, that's where that comes from.
04:30Here you go.
04:31A nice cup of green tea you can drink until it's the same temperature as the room and then leave
04:36half full.
04:47Hi, I'm Green Tea.
04:49I have an extra ticket to see Three Dog Night at the fairground this weekend.
04:52It's none of the original members and none of the original fake members.
04:56What do you say we Shambala over around six?
05:00This sucks!
05:01Hey, can you guys stop going on drug trips?
05:03I haven't had my diaper changed since October.
05:05I'm sorry, Meg. It's just the way it is. You'll get used to it.
05:10I'll tell you exactly what it is.
05:12Misogyny.
05:13This is them taking things away from women.
05:15Why can't the patriarchy let us have this one thing?
05:21Hey, my dudes. On today's agenda, we're deciding what women can and can't have.
05:26We're in Q4, so pumpkin spice lattes are out.
05:30And where did we land on reproductive rights?
05:33They gone!
05:33Before we go any further, would anyone like to yell an Anchorman quote?
05:38Milk was a bad choice.
05:40Whale's vagina!
05:41Right on. Now let's take a quick stand break to unstick our testicles from our legs.
05:49This arbitrary cutoff is BS. I bet they have all the ingredients just sitting there in some storage room.
05:55You know what?
05:56What are you doing?
05:57This table has a very strict weight limit and you're testing it.
06:00We need to rise up and take back our country. I mean, a seasonal beverage.
06:05Are you in?
06:06I'm in.
06:10Hey, Chris, can you stop using me as your recovery email for Pornhub? You don't need an account.
06:16You do to post comments.
06:18Pornhub, join the conversation.
06:24Guess our many pandemic hobbies are finally paying off.
06:28Alright, since we have more time on our hands, we're gonna get into social justice.
06:33And I got a Black Lives Matter sign to put on our lawn.
06:36Ooh, we should also put up a sign in support of the trans community.
06:39I don't know, Meg. Suddenly everything's sounding very cluttered.
06:43Mom's high school swimming records are getting shattered.
06:49Meg, I found it!
06:54Nice! Up top, bitch!
06:56Can you stop calling me that?
06:58Oh, what's this?
07:01Starbucks used to sell a lot of CDs. They propped up Michael Bublé for years.
07:05Joni Mitchell, Alanis Morissette.
07:08The Diana Krall?
07:10What's this really tall stack?
07:12Oh, it's the audio book for Kamala Harris' The Truths We Hold.
07:16Well, now I'm just sad.
07:26Cheers!
07:28Coming up, my adult nephew's band, Forged in Steel, will be playing at the Cat Club on Friday.
07:34Is that enough uncling for you, Denise?
07:35But first, a brazen robbery occurred at a Quahog coffee shop last night, with the assailants stealing a proprietary spice
07:42blend used to make pumpkin spice lattes.
07:44An eyewitness reports seeing two people fleeing the scene. A woman he, quote, would like to jump, and a second
07:50woman.
07:51We now turn to local cop Joe Swanson, who is taking this very seriously.
07:55I'm now going to answer some questions from reporters that this microphone is not picking up.
08:02No, not at this time.
08:06We're monitoring that.
08:10Yeah.
08:13About 45 minutes at 375 degrees.
08:17We have to keep a low profile.
08:19Ooh, good thinking.
08:20I'll go on social media and let everyone know I'm taking a mental health break.
08:24Meg, no one cares. Just don't post.
08:26I think they do.
08:30All right. I forgot to unfollow her.
08:43Good God, woman.
08:45Hi, Lois.
08:46I just wanted to say I noticed how your windows have been looking. Windex is on aisle 9.
08:52Wow. That's like the woman equivalent of getting stabbed in the face.
08:55Well, I appreciate that, Bonnie.
08:57You know, maybe you should focus on your hydrangeas. They're looking a little pale.
09:02Hmm. What interesting perfume you've got on.
09:06Nutmeg, clove, a little bit of brown ginger.
09:09I'd say that smells like pumpkin spice latte, but that would be crazy.
09:16Well, Jamaican me crazy.
09:18Ugh. Embarrassing.
09:20Coffee without creamer.
09:22Insulator sleeves.
09:24Pregnancy test?
09:25That's for me. Veronica from Baby Piano is late. Again.
09:29That's why the rosary beads are there, too.
09:35It's you! You're the coffee shop thief!
09:38Shh! Okay, what do you want? You want money?
09:41I want in.
09:43Otherwise, I can't guarantee what I may or may not tell Joe.
09:47All right, fine. But you can't tell anyone else.
09:50I'm very discreet. I take every secret to my grave.
09:54Like, for example, did you know that Tom Hanks has a passion for vintage typewriters?
09:59Bonnie, I read that in Parade Magazine.
10:01Well, they didn't hear it from me.
10:09Give me the pumpkin spice latte.
10:12I'm sorry, but I don't know what you're talking about.
10:15I saw the bat signal. We all did.
10:21Bonnie.
10:21I know you have some. Give it to me right now. I am filming you.
10:26And I'm filming you because this is how I deal with conflict.
10:29And I'm filming you filming her because I have a TikTok about women who don't support women.
10:34Ladies, I'm sorry, but I just don't-
10:36Pumpkin spice! Pumpkin spice!
10:38I borrowed this from my white husband.
10:41Pack the bags, Donna. Pack the bags, Neil!
10:44Oh, no! Pack the bags, Dennis! Mikados!
10:48Well, we hadn't been in three weeks.
10:50You get the mesh bag of sandals and I'll get all our grease greases.
10:54Pumpkin spice! Pumpkin spice!
10:56Okay! Okay, we can get you all pumpkin spice lattes tomorrow.
11:00Okay, Meg, we got 24 hours to replenish our supply.
11:03Mom, what are you doing?
11:04Don't worry, Meg. I know exactly how we can monetize this.
11:08I took the Bill Gates master class.
11:10I was never on Epstein's plane, and if I was, it was just a routine flight for my charity.
11:16But I wasn't.
11:17Microsoft!
11:27Password?
11:27Dressing on the side.
11:35We accept cash, Venmo, or Etsy gift cards.
11:38We prefer Etsy gift cards. Actually, we only take Etsy gift cards.
11:48There goes the neighborhood.
11:50Humming bird feeders in those damn free libraries everywhere.
11:55Constant smell of banana bread. Look at them.
11:57Eating granola like it's cereal.
11:59It's supposed to be sprinkled on top of something.
12:01It's too calorically dense otherwise.
12:04Times of Maine is owned by Colgate.
12:07Liar!
12:08Look it up!
12:15Seventh one this month. Guys, we really need to find some evidence so I can have stuff to say at
12:19the next press conference.
12:20I knocked it out of the park at the last one, and people are expecting a lot.
12:25I can't believe someone would do something like this.
12:27It's disgusting. Starbucks is more than just a coffee shop. It's a place where people come together and post flyers
12:33advertising their bad improv shows.
12:35By the way, can you come see my Malcolm and the Giggle show next Wednesday?
12:39I would, but I'm going to a Gimprov show. We're reclaiming that word.
12:43We're looking for a suggestion from the audience. Does anyone have an occupation?
12:47Former acrobat.
12:48Great! How about a location?
12:49C6, C7, between two vertebrae.
12:57Fellas, I think we just got a break in this case.
13:02This isn't for the case, but I'm taking these napkins for my car. The other day I had to drive
13:06home blind after a wet sneeze.
13:11There's a three-week backlog at the lab. Thought you might be able to help.
13:15You've come to the right place. I have a database of every woman's foot in Quahog. I call it the
13:20foot book.
13:20Drop the the. It's cleaner.
13:28Yeah. Uh-huh. You stop it right now.
13:32Are you talking to The Footprint?
13:34The Footprint and I are having a conversation. It's a little like Harry Potter. The admirer doesn't choose the foot.
13:39The foot has to choose the admirer.
13:41Let me just cross-reference and... oh, that's very sad.
13:44What?
13:45It's a discontinued Payless shoe from 2009. A shoe so sad can only belong to one woman.
13:52Olivia Wilde? She must be pretty sad. Tabloid culture overshadowed a movie the cast and crew worked so hard on.
13:58No, Joe. It's Lois.
13:59By the way, you could read more of my movie reviews on my Letterboxd. Did you know the cast of
14:04Oppenheimer lived together while they were filming?
14:06Uh-huh.
14:07Killian Murphy spent a lot of time on his own. Kind of a lone wolf.
14:11Okay.
14:11Of course, by then, most of the cast had seen his penis. You know, that scene with Einstein. Originally, they
14:16had both their penises out.
14:18Actors sometimes do that to break down their emotional walls.
14:23Thank God he's gone. I've been holding in a major fart.
14:33Everything's hard for me, Cat.
14:40Thanks, Quagmire. This is the smoking gun we needed. We're gonna nail Lois.
14:45Really? Could I go first?
14:47No, I mean we gotta slap the cuffs on her and throw her in the back of my car.
14:51Get her in her room and drill her till she breaks.
14:55See how she likes it in the can.
15:01I'd like to see one of those strong female attorneys try to get her off.
15:20Everyone get in position.
15:21Roger that.
15:22Copy.
15:24Jerry, please acknowledge.
15:27He's not acknowledging. I'm going in.
15:31Let's get this debutante ball started.
15:38Be professional, Jerry.
15:46Hello. I am a white woman named Kayla, and I spell that in a very complicated way for zero reason.
15:51Well, aren't you a cool glass of water? Why don't you come on in for a non-consensual shoulder rub?
15:56I just want to speak to your wife.
15:58Wife? We've been drifting apart for a long time. So, is there a Mr. Kayla?
16:03There was. My husband was a wrestler. This doctor told him he couldn't wrestle anymore, but he loved it so
16:08much he wrestled one last time and died.
16:11Telling him not to wrestle was like telling him not to breathe.
16:14That's so sad. That's literally exactly what happened to Mickey Rourke and the wrestler.
16:18No, it's very different. Unlike Mickey Rourke, my husband's face was completely disfigured by too much plastic surgery.
16:24Kayla, you have got to watch this movie. It's so similar to your life.
16:28Is Dad okay?
16:29It's brain fog from having COVID 12 times.
16:32What do we do now?
16:33Look, we always knew this time would come. Grab the pumpkin spice from the garage and run!
16:37I'm sorry to be so forward. It's just that you're literally any woman other than the one I'm allowed to
16:42have.
16:49Getting your own daughter involved? You're a sick woman, Lois Griffin.
16:54Joe?
16:55I'm sorry, Peter. But for what it's worth, Kayla found you very attractive.
17:00Nah, it's alright. I'll just work out this sexual confusion in my porn searches later.
17:04Might have an account if you want to leave a comment.
17:07Pornhub! Fun for the whole family!
17:16Oh my god, we're like Thelma and Louise! I've never felt so alive.
17:20Meg, unpair your phone. I'm driving so we pair my phone.
17:23Seriously? Ugh, fine. Go ahead.
17:27Well, I can't connect until you disconnect your phone. You have to forget device. Go to settings, general, network, Bluetooth,
17:35find car, then hit forget my device.
17:38Ugh! We can't do it while you're driving. The car has to be stopped.
17:42Siri, forget device.
17:49Coming to you live, we are in pursuit of two fugitives identified in the gruesome pumpkin spice latte robberies.
17:55As you can see now, they're headed down Route 95.
17:57Oh yeah, right past that exterminator with the big bug on the roof.
18:01Oh, look, there it is. They do a nice little job.
18:04It appears they're slowing down.
18:08Siri! Forget my device!
18:11Yep, just what I thought. Classic Bluetooth pairing problem.
18:15Well, okay, it appears they were able to safely pair the phone.
18:18But it looks like the police cruiser is pulling over for similar reasons.
18:21Listen, I don't know what they're teaching you at the academy, but this is day one stuff.
18:25Go to settings, general, network.
18:28Oh, you got an Android? So you're the green idiot on the group text.
18:37Peter?
18:38I can't find a remote.
18:40Wait, did you check under the table?
18:42Yeah.
18:43No.
18:44Hold on.
18:47Okay, I found it. Thank you.
19:07I'm sorry, Meg. I never meant for things to get so out of hand.
19:11Me too, Mom.
19:12But I gotta say, I enjoyed spending time with you.
19:23Should we go out in a blaze of eternal glory?
19:25I'd like that very much.
19:29Uh, can I get a vote? I've been here since you went to Target. Two days ago.
19:38I guess this all could have been avoided if there was another seasonal beverage that followed the pumpkin spice latte.
19:44Well, there is the peppermint mocha, but there's no comparison. I mean, yeah, it has candy on top, a rich
19:51peppermint cream, and basically tastes like Christmas in a cup.
19:54But, oh, actually, that doesn't sound that bad!
19:58Are you f***ing me? Turn around!
20:01It's too late!
20:03Unbuckled in. This should be fine.
20:16We've changed our minds! Oh, we made emotional decisions. Please save us men!
20:22We got them, boys. I guess all that's left is for the husband to give an emotional press conference.
20:29It's time we forgive Kevin Spacey. That will be my only statement at this time. Thank you!
20:44I already joined three prison gangs.
20:47We got community service.
20:49Yeah, I know. I was getting ready just in case.
20:53Joe told them about the footbook.
20:55Drop the the. It's cleaner.
20:59Gurgles the band.
21:11If a government is carrying a seat Right now, Lynn Woods.
21:15Joe told us, don't do宇 Enlightenment.
21:16Joe told us this time.
21:27Joe told us,
21:27Joe told us.
21:27Joe told us this time.,
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