- 3 days ago
The Trades (2024) Season 3 Episode 3
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TVTranscript
00:19You
00:20Holy shit you fuckers got a death wish
00:22What did you miss the announcement go shelter in place till we can make an official call go on get
00:26the fuck out of here
00:28Thank you boys
00:31Jesus it's hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock
00:52Guys this door is super fucky, okay, so don't let it shut I'm trying to get someone here to fix
00:57this
00:57But my text won't send I think anything south of trailer 17 is a black hole
01:03Bad signal I don't know should we make a run for it find a better shelter?
01:08Roach
01:09Hang in it never helps. That's not what she said, man. I gotta take a wizard
01:17Oh my god
01:19You're so genius. Yeah, totally man this one time I got a subscription to high times magazine for answering a
01:27skill testing question correctly
01:29Oh, yeah, what was it?
01:31It was what?
01:35Oh
01:36Fuck
01:37Come back
01:37Oh
01:38Hey, man
01:39Bang it on it doesn't help
01:47Oh
01:49Oh
01:49It's for our two
01:49Oh, yeah
01:50I remember
01:51This is how real visionaries scale themselves even though today I'm in Frankfurt
01:56I'm attending three meetings simultaneously in three different time zones
02:00Oh
02:01Hey guys the AC units broken and I can't get reception to call an electrician
02:06Well, let me take a look
02:07You stay here
02:09Leonard
02:09You're a senior engineer
02:11Leave this to the schlops
02:13Hey, be careful of that door
02:15It slams and sticks
02:17This is insane
02:18There's no way to live
02:20I need to get the AC fixed
02:21My ass cheeks and my nutsock
02:23Gonna be stuck to this chair forever
02:24Why would you put that in my head?
02:28Heat index over 40
02:30That's shut her down hot
02:32Heat day?
02:32Oh, I'm calling it
02:33Fuck yeah!
02:34Beach day, baby
02:35Oh, I regret the words I'm about to say but
02:38Cool party at my place?
02:39No way
02:40Oh, fuck yeah
02:43Cool party
02:44Attention everyone
02:46This is your GF
02:47The work day has been suspended due to an excessive temperature
02:53Heat day fuckers, let's get wet
02:55Let's see some dad bods out there
02:57Yeah
02:58Yeah
02:59I'll inform any stragglers and I'll see you there
03:04Heat day?
03:05Pool party at Chelsea's
03:06Yes
03:07I got beers in my truck
03:08Bring them all, I'm your boss and that's an order, Taze
03:11Heat day, let's go!
03:12Do we have to invite Gen Con?
03:14Fuck no
03:14Yes
03:16Oh, hey man, while you're down there
03:17Gross
03:19My heat pump's toast
03:20It's only blasting hot air
03:21Yeah, just like I told you
03:24So fuckface
03:24Not much shithead
03:26Woo!
03:28Okay
03:28Heat day is confirmed and Chelsea is hosting a pool party
03:32No!
03:34Fine
03:34Does that thing stick?
03:36It does
03:37It does
03:37Okay, I'll call for help
03:39Are we using our reception?
03:40No answer ding dong
03:42Oh fuck me
03:44What in the french fried fuck?
03:48Good luck Chummer
03:49For fuck's sakes
03:52I will have the common sense to not yell at inanimate objects
03:57Nice Homer, I'm feeling proud of your progress Homer
04:00Hang on Kim
04:03Hey Todd, I'm just on a call with my deprogramming sponsor
04:05Fucking right buddy
04:07So listen, there's a pool party at Chelsea's and someone stole my fucking shorts
04:11Yeah, big whoops, someone took my fucking job away
04:13Well deprogram that, listen, come to the party
04:15You need to see your crew, show everyone you're ready to go back to work
04:18Oh yes, it's time I re-entered civilized society
04:21I just, I need to get paid again man
04:23There you go you dick twizzler
04:25Listen, do me a favor, grab me a pair of trunks under the laundry and get the fuck over to
04:29Chelsea's
04:30Yeah, I'm on it
04:33Okay, so um, I just got invited to a party and I think I'm ready, do you?
04:38I mean, I've got my coping tools, right Snacks?
04:41You know, why don't you go fuck yourself?
04:43And, and I'll, I'll practice deep breathing if anybody brings up pool chlorine even though it is chemical warfare on
04:49the body
04:50Would you like to hear the latest? And you didn't hear this from me
04:53But chlorine causes rosacea and fallen arches from one tooth into the other
05:00Astonishingly unhelpful
05:01Stay strong my boys, stay strong
05:04Call you later
05:06All snacks?
05:08I'm going to a party
05:15Metal expands and doors jamming these cheap trailers
05:18The tunnel expansion, windows all sealed and graded shut
05:23This is a problem
05:24No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
05:26Everyone, don't panic, I've got this
05:29Thank you, Dewey
05:33Epic fail
05:34Oh, for fuck's sake, Dewey
05:37Everyone panic
05:39Oh my god
05:41Oh my god
05:42Oh no
05:44It turned into a hair dryer
05:47We're gonna fly in here
05:49Why would it turn off?
05:51Everyone's gone
05:53No one's coming for us
05:54Oh my god, guys
05:56My body doesn't metabolize heat properly
05:58I have no sweat glands
06:01I'm gonna embarrass myself
06:04I'm not normal
06:05Not normal? How?
06:07I pant like a fucking retriever
06:10Can you fetch?
06:12No, Roach
06:12But I fucking bite
06:14Okay
06:16Hey
06:16Aren't you demons?
06:18We're stuck in here
06:20Go wheel yourself off and get some help
06:22Okay
06:23Well, R2D bag is on it
06:25C3P, go fuck yourself
06:28Okay
06:29Uh, Leonard
06:30Dewey
06:30Go find another way out of here
06:32Roach
06:33Fly step down
06:34And get a stone
06:35Aye aye, Captain
06:37Don't panic
06:38Why are there so many fucking locks on this thing?
06:42Hello
06:43There is a group
06:45Stuck in trailer 19
06:47Eddie
06:47Jason, thank goodness
06:48We have a crisis
06:49We're all going to the boss's place for caviar and expensive cocktails
06:52Pool party
06:53Wish you were here
06:54Wait, wait, wait, wait
06:55Oh!
06:56You know what?
06:57You're all a group of party-obsessed fools
06:59Let's go
07:00Hello?
07:02Yes
07:02Uh, thank you for calling me back
07:03Room 1308
07:04I have one very important question for you
07:06Are your heirloom oats gluten-free?
07:12That doesn't work
07:13Good afternoon, Chelsea
07:15Aw, Homer
07:16Glad you came
07:17Would you, um, allow me please?
07:20You do florals?
07:22Yes, Maureen's encouraged me to take up habits that are based in reality
07:26As she so eloquently put it
07:28And call this bullshit simulation a reality
07:31Drink all those beers, boys, or you're fired
07:33Woo!
07:34Thanks for having us, Chelsea
07:35Pleasure
07:35Nice break
07:36Right?
07:37Homer, you okay?
07:39Glad you came, but go back to my place if you're feeling triggered to whatever the fuck is happening here
07:43You know, I could go back and keep working on your hot tub
07:47As you were, my man
07:48Here are your shorts
07:50Wow, this place is insane
07:52No, it's not right
07:53Homer, are you okay? You want a beer?
07:55Oh, fuck, I love it when a heat day comes together
08:04I'm leaving
08:05You're trying to create a closed-loop sauna in here
08:10Roachman, you've had a screwdriver this whole fucking time?
08:13Scoop, do I have a beer?
08:14No, that's my vape driver
08:16That's a good idea, though
08:19Leonard!
08:21If no one comes
08:22This sandwich will keep us alive
08:24You protect your lunch
08:26All I want is this Leatherman
08:28Okay, where were we?
08:30Marry Chelsea
08:31You should totally marry Chelsea, dude
08:34Your life would smell like a five-star hotel then
08:37I'd marry Chelsea
08:38Marry Chelsea
08:40And fuck Jen Pops
08:42Is that a euphemism?
08:46It just rhymes, idiot
08:47This could be the way out
08:48God damn it
08:49It's so fucking tight
08:51Pinching my bag and going right up my hole
08:53Fuck!
08:54Dumbass packed me the wrong shorts
08:56Those are Audrey's shorts
08:58Yeah, no shit
08:59They're riding right up my hole
09:00Ew
09:01Oh
09:02Oh
09:03There's a nice old lady staring at your sweet and juicy candy ass
09:07Hey, big boy
09:08You got barf written right across your arse?
09:11He sure does
09:13Gladys, ignore her
09:14Hello, Gladys
09:16I guess I'm wearing pants
09:18No you're not
09:19Yoink
09:19Hey, I like those shorts
09:20Take them Gladys
09:21They're my property now
09:22Can I have my pants please?
09:24Back off
09:25I will tear the both of you apart
09:27Oh, I've got the stamina
09:30Believe me
09:31Good to know
09:31I can't wear these fucking things
09:33You're fucking right, you can
09:34Hey, Gladys
09:35Don't threaten me with a good time, my dear
09:38Let's fucking go, boys
09:40Taser
09:43And fucking the ladies
09:44Taser, why would you bring your kids to a work party?
09:46He's trying to be a better dad
09:48You spend quality time, right, kids?
09:50Oh, that hurts
09:51Well, it hurt me when you didn't take us for ice cream on the way here
09:55Yeah, Taser, we're hungry
09:57You taught us to get fed here
09:58Your kids call you Taser?
10:00Remember we talked about this
10:02I'm your dad
10:03You call me dad
10:04Love you babies
10:05We're having fun
10:07Oh, come on
10:09Good kids
10:10You having fun, fun dad?
10:11Nice shorts
10:13And now there's children here
10:15Thank you
10:15It's too late
10:18Hold steady
10:19Here we go, baby
10:20Oh, my God
10:22You got it, Aud
10:23A little higher
10:24I got a knot
10:25Guys, this isn't a fucking back massage
10:27Oh, yeah
10:29Feel good
10:31Shit
10:31Guys
10:33You have to hoist me out
10:34Okay
10:35Giddy up
10:35Here we go
10:36Open the ice in the daylight
10:38I don't know if you fit in it
10:40Shit
10:41Come on
10:41I got a bit down
10:46Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy girl
10:49You just need a little cloud cover
10:52I'll take some, too
11:00I'll take some, too
11:00Oh, no
11:02I have a contact eye
11:03I've never done drugs before
11:05And there's no going back, man
11:09Nice shorts, bag licker
11:12You little
11:13Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
11:14Those are Louboutins
11:15And that might mean nothing to you
11:17But...
11:17Those are nice for feet
11:18Yes, they are
11:19They're also expensive
11:20Ah, mother
11:22Oh, okay
11:23How about we do a trade here?
11:25Can I offer you some stuffed olives?
11:26Yeah, you can
11:27Hopefully nobody's playing whack-a-dick over here
11:29Pumping cricket
11:31How ridiculous to look in these shorts, boys
11:33Have you looked in the mirror?
11:35Easy there, tan man
11:36Shut the fuck up
11:37The men are still a stallion, okay?
11:39But, yeah, he's right
11:39You look like fucking shit
11:41Prick
11:42Oh, well, fuck it
11:43Heat day still rules, boys
11:45I wonder where the fucking Audrey is
11:52And Dewey
11:54And Steph
11:55No, that's a good point, Backwoods
11:57Is someone else having a competing party?
11:59Does Jen Conk have a pool?
12:01Oh, I'm sure she'd just fill it with Prosecco and party foam
12:03Call it Ginchella
12:05Yeah
12:06Conk stock
12:06Homer
12:07Ghost particle?
12:08Mmm, I'm off the dark web
12:10My son's monitoring my internet usage
12:12And no more energy drinks
12:15But I'm feeling good
12:16Life is good, right?
12:17Yes, drink it
12:18Yeah, lemon shark bite
12:21Tell us more
12:22Three years old
12:24My dad faked his own death to get out of parent-child support
12:29Joke's on him
12:30Found him in Regina with a whole other family
12:33So, that's cool
12:34I got stepbrothers
12:35You guys heard of Kids and Cousins?
12:37Oh, yeah
12:38I can top that
12:40I've only ever been with my wife
12:42Aw, that's adorable
12:44And she's only ever been with me
12:45That's delusional
12:47This is grim, guys
12:49I'll never have the chance to do it
12:52Do sex?
12:54Yeah, I do sex
12:58You wear a shirt that says certified lover on it
13:01It says certified panda lover
13:03And I got it at the zoo
13:05I wear it to be ironical
13:07I do sex
13:09I just can't wear socks
13:11It gives me blisters
13:12No, no, no, no, no
13:13Don't do that
13:13Don't do that
13:14No, no, no, no, no
13:16There's no circulation in here
13:18Oh, my God
13:19Roach, no
13:20Oh, fuck, what a stink
13:21I know
13:22I know, I know
13:23My feet stink
13:24And my collarbone pops out
13:26But I got excellent penmanship, man
13:29Roach?
13:30Rewind a little
13:33I can't wear socks
13:35It gives me blisters
13:36Fast forward
13:37I can't remember what I said
13:38His collarbone pops out
13:39Yeah, that's what I said
13:42Up you go
13:43Hop up stink foot
13:45What?
13:46Oh, yeah
13:47Homer, YouTube says the Denver airport is a porter to hell
13:51Now, do you think the horse statue there killed its own sculptor?
13:55That horse has a name
13:56And it's Blucifer
13:57Blucifer?
13:59Which I would explain to you if I was engaging
14:01But I am not
14:02Good for you, man
14:03Stay strong
14:04You got this, buddy
14:04Yeah
14:05Homer
14:05What about them pigeons?
14:07Still think they're government drones?
14:08They're just birds, Taze
14:10They're just birds
14:11Yeah, they are
14:11How about billionaire blood transfusions?
14:13Oh, guys, lay off them a little, huh?
14:15Is the earth flat?
14:16Is the moon hollow?
14:18Wait a second
14:18Are you telling me that Marilyn Manson took out his own ribs so he could suck his own dick?
14:24I am on vacation
14:29I celebrate the things I can control
14:31Remove small obstacles to reach my goals
14:34Just like Marilyn Manson
14:36Because I'm in as a fucking genius
14:39Yes
14:39Genius
14:40Maureen
14:41Listen up, boys
14:44Maureen
14:45Don't you fucking fart in my face
14:48Okay?
14:49Okay, okay
14:50I'm gonna keep pushing
14:51Oh, it's too tight
14:53You're ripping my skin, man
14:54Okay, okay
14:55Okay, okay, okay
14:56Okay, we're stopping
14:58Oh
14:59Oh
14:59Oh
15:01Leonard
15:03What's in your sub?
15:04Lettuce and vegan male
15:07Don't you think about it
15:09Already thought about it
15:11The new Homer is kind of weirding me out, my goodness
15:14It's not like the old Homer, he's no fun, can we reboot him?
15:17Yeah
15:18What he's talking about? How you talking shit about me?
15:19Busted
15:19Yes
15:20We just missed the guy used to talk about UFOs and robot overlords
15:24My wife doesn't miss that guy, okay?
15:27What Maureen doesn't like is that you believe this stuff
15:30It's hard not to believe in the Matrix when you're in it
15:32Open your mouth, Theo!
15:38You missed me, huh?
15:39You expect me to believe that chlorine is for germs?
15:42No!
15:43Here we go
15:43It's for mind control!
15:44That's why all you shameful are so agreeable at parties
15:48It's not the hot dogs!
15:50It's compliance gas!
15:52You gotta get over this, man
15:55Chelsea!
15:55I need your laptop!
15:56Why? Why?
15:58What are you gonna do?
16:00You're a shit-disturber
16:01Yes, I am!
16:03Hey!
16:05Here we go
16:07Oh
16:10We should have done this a while ago
16:13No
16:13I'm not gonna eat the rest of that
16:15Get him up, people
16:16Okay, ready?
16:17One
16:18Two
16:19Three
16:20Oh!
16:21Oh!
16:23Oh!
16:23It's on my cardboard!
16:25Oh, man
16:34Can you get out?
16:36I'm totally fucking stuck, man
16:38Okay, okay, let's get him down
16:43You're out
16:44Oh, man, no!
16:48Homer, you know who's really behind chlorine?
16:51Big Pharma
16:52Alright, enough!
16:52I need your support, okay?
16:54You're supposed to be helping me
16:55From my perspective, Homer, you're doing good
16:57You're vertical, dressed as a civilian
16:59Sitting here in clothes is hardly aspirational
17:02Would you like links to clothing?
17:03What?
17:04New summer inventory is being updated every hour
17:07Homer, where the fuck did you find this guy?
17:09Someone in my group recommended him
17:10I think he's in Texas or something
17:12I have a virtual success rate of 98%
17:14And a 4.95 star rating
17:17I'm expecting a 5 star from you, partner
17:20Did he just get a Texas accent?
17:23Yeah, he did
17:25Hold on a second
17:27Hey, Kim
17:28Tell me a haiku where the first letter of each line spells the word cat
17:31But do it in a Cockney accent?
17:33Closed doors eye the truth
17:35Aliens run the bake sales
17:37Tinfoil hats?
17:38Sold out
17:41Goddammit, he's an AI!
17:42What?
17:43Really?
17:44I thought it was pretty good
17:45No, I got duped
17:46And you know what?
17:47I want a refund you robotic fuck
17:49Homer, I never told you I'm human
17:51Read our terms of service
17:53I am authorized to sign you up for a 2 year non-refundable subscription
17:59And I did
18:01Fuck!
18:02Call back any time Homer
18:04You look stressed
18:06Enough of this shit
18:07Fuck yourself
18:08Come with me
18:09Right now
18:10Fuck man
18:14You're going to that pool Homer
18:15You need to end this conspiracy loop
18:17You tell him booty shorts
18:19You can call me booty shorts all you want
18:21But I'm standing here in front of y'all
18:24Dick and nuts
18:25Fighting over that last gasp of air
18:27You know what?
18:28They both lost
18:29I don't even fucking care
18:31What I do care about is you Homer
18:33No one's going to abduct you again
18:35The pyramids are just stone triangles
18:37And Amuamua is just a giant space rock
18:40Get over it
18:42Now hold my hand
18:44No chance
18:44I don't have eye or ear protection
18:46I don't want pulmonary edema or chronic bronchitis
18:48Homer, hold my fucking hand
18:51I'm not holding your fucking hand
18:53I'll hold whatever you like
18:54Short shorts
18:56And you other fella
18:57Stop being such a little biatch
19:00Let's get in the fucking pool
19:03I think everybody should do
19:06Whatever the fucking Gladys says
19:08I like Gladys
19:09Homer
19:10Homer
19:12I'm not doing it
19:13I'm not doing it
19:14Yes you are doing it
19:15Homer
19:16It's not happening
19:18It's not happening
19:20Homer
19:21Homer
19:22Homer
19:23Homer
19:24Homer
19:24Homer
19:26Over
19:26Homer
19:27Homer
19:29Come on Homer
19:30You can do this
19:31You got this
19:34You can do it
19:34There you go
19:36Yeah
19:53I did it!
19:55He died!
19:56He fucking did it!
20:03Hey, girls!
20:04Hey, hey!
20:05Let's not tell your moms how much!
20:06We're dying in this friend's drink today.
20:09Gee.
20:19Look out!
20:21Look out!
20:23I can feel my power draining away.
20:27We're all dying.
20:29Oh!
20:31Power!
20:32Guys, the only way to stop the heat pumping
20:35is to cut the power and trip the breaker.
20:37It might electrocute you.
20:38It's 220 volts.
20:40But you use your right hand and hold your left arm against your body,
20:43the kernel will ground out through your feet
20:45and won't pass through your left arm, frying your heart.
20:46Hop to it, Leonard.
20:48Electrician and engineer, both start with E.
20:50That's close enough.
20:51Come on, Leonard.
20:53Tell my wife I love her since the moment I laid eyes on her.
20:56Cut that fucking wire!
20:58Cut the wire!
20:59Cut the wire!
21:07The door sticks!
21:10No, it doesn't.
21:13What's this?
21:15Marcus, you angel!
21:16I will live to do sex, Marcus!
21:19Give the fuck off me!
21:21Marcus, how did you find this?
21:23Noble, Manny called.
21:24Told me to say, Leonard, you suck.
21:27Manny!
21:28I just gotta rehydrate my tongue.
21:29You really don't sweat.
21:31Cut!
21:32Fuck off, man!
21:34Ha!
21:35Ha!
21:36Come on!
21:37Put this in!
21:38Come on!
21:38Wake up!
21:39There we go.
21:40All your kids are so cute, it makes me want to have more.
21:43500 for the pair.
21:44I'm a good fart.
21:45No more beers.
21:46Definitely no more kids.
21:47You're paying for the cab.
21:48Let's go.
21:49I'm right in the trunk, then, if you wanted to.
21:51Good luck, boys!
21:52Thanks, guys.
21:53God.
21:53Oh, my Jesus, you're all red and rashy.
21:57You've got a chlorine allergy?
21:58No.
21:59I think they're relief hives, coupled with burning tears of pride.
22:02Well, you face down the chlorine demon in one.
22:05Yeah, well, there's chlorine in tap water.
22:07Yeah, and this fucker takes 20-minute showers.
22:09Yeah, I'm a little crazy.
22:10You are a little crazy.
22:11And we love you for it.
22:13Chelsea, thanks for the awesome party.
22:15Anything else we can do before we leave?
22:16Place looks pretty good, I think.
22:18Nope.
22:18I've already called the cleaners.
22:20Oh, but please, never wear those again.
22:23Richard Simmons is rolling over in his grave.
22:26Come on, I'll get you some calamine lotion.
22:27I can't see.
22:28Is that a bad thing?
22:28Hey, booty shorts.
22:30That was a nice moment you had with your little friends.
22:33Here's your pants, washed and pressed.
22:36You washed my pants?
22:37What, do they smell it or something?
22:38Do I look like the sort of person who goes around sniffing people's pants?
22:43No.
22:44Well, I am.
22:45Next time, bring your dad over.
22:48He is a rig.
22:50Oh, a real dilf.
22:52Okay.
22:53Didn't know you knew my dad.
22:55I don't.
22:55Yet.
22:57I'll tell him you said hi.
22:58Tell him to bring his laundry.
22:59Smell good, thanks.
23:01Oh, my God, he's raw, like a fetus.
23:04Aqua.
23:05It looks like a third degree.
23:06Take him to the medic.
23:07Potter?
23:0851st guy.
23:09Potter?
23:09Hey, you gotta eat that sandwich.
23:11You rubbed it all over you, man.
23:14Get the rug in her eye.
23:15No!
23:17You can't believe it!
23:18We'll chase you!
23:19Get the fuck off!
23:21Get the fuck off!
23:22I hate today.
23:23I swear to God, I better not have to push this van again, Homer.
23:26Relax.
23:27I got the alternator fixed.
23:28Yeah, you said that last time.
23:30Six fucking blocks.
23:31You got a free leg workout.
23:32You're welcome.
23:34What's that smell?
23:37Heartbreak.
23:38Dried up dick tears.
23:40We're getting you back to work tomorrow.
23:42I'll find the money.
23:44Thank fuck.
23:50Okay, I lied.
23:51I didn't get the alternator fixed.
23:53Six.
23:55Please.
23:57Fuck!
23:58Sorry, buddy.
24:02Push.
24:04Come on, put your legs into it!
24:06Is the fucking handbrake on or what?
24:08It's a neutral!
24:09Come on!
24:10I'm out so far, son, and nobody hurts.
24:14Nobody cry.
24:18I'm out so far, son, and nobody drowns.
24:22Nobody dies.
24:26I'm out so far, son, and nobody hurts.
24:29It's better than life.
24:33I'm out so far, son, and nobody hurts.
24:37I'm out so far, son, and nobody hurts.
24:40Excuse me, sir.
24:41Could you please help me down the stairs?
24:43What the fuck?
24:44What?
24:45Oh-ho!
24:46I remember you, hey, buddy?
24:48How could I forget you, Betty?
24:50Biggest jerk around.
24:52Hey, hey, hey!
24:52Where you going?
24:53Come on, let's dance, huh?
24:55Hey!
24:55Ah!
24:56I'm out!
24:56I'm out!
24:58I'm out!
24:59See, you never robo-nerds.
25:01You bloody bastard!
25:04Might as well go for a soda.
25:06Nobody hurts, and nobody cries.
25:12Might as well go for a soda.
25:14Nobody drowns, and nobody dies.
25:20Might as well go for a soda.
25:22But it's better than slander.
25:23It's better than lies.
25:27Might as well go for a soda.
25:30Woo-hoo!
25:31Oh, yeah!
25:33Yeah!
25:34Close it.
25:34Ah!
25:36Ah!
25:36Ah!
25:37Ah!
25:37Ah!
25:38Ah!
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