- 3 days ago
The Trades (2024) Season 3 Episode 5
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TVTranscript
00:12Oh, this is so warm. It's like Rio de Janeiro.
00:17What's that?
00:18It's a city in Brazil.
00:20Serious?
00:21It smells like this.
00:23Is that a fucking garbage fire?
00:25Dude, we were wondering that too.
00:27Yeah, were you two geniuses wondering enough to do something about it?
00:30Uh, we were trying to contain it.
00:33How?
00:33By watching it. Only then can we truly understand it.
00:38We're the guardians of the inferno.
00:41I tried pouring my coffee on it, nothing happened.
00:44Should we pull a fire alarm?
00:45Well, there's a fire extinguisher right there.
00:47You're part of the volunteer fire team, for fuck's sakes.
00:50Uh, I am at work right now, so I can't volunteer.
00:54Yeah, get smarter.
00:55Conflict of interest.
00:56Do I gotta fucking do everything around here?
00:58What are your interests?
00:59Oh, buddy, insects are the best.
01:00Can you believe this shit?
01:01I built this terrarium where a spider and a bee battle,
01:03I give honey to the bee, I give water to the tarantula,
01:06and they go like that.
01:06Who started it?
01:07Spontaneous.
01:08Seriously, no one knows.
01:10It was Jesus, I assume.
01:29I know.
01:29I know someone, I will do that.
01:30You just saw him, I know.
01:31That's right, I know!
01:31No, I can't.
01:33What do you know, I know?
01:33I didn't know.
01:34It's the damn good thing.
01:35So, right in the view, I probably went on the farm.
01:41incident investigations sit everybody down conduct interviews hope for a snitch no snitches get
01:46stitches damn right i know these guys inside out let me handle this so no one has fessed up to
01:56starting the garbage fire nope and i know you're not going to publicly rat anyone out so we're
02:00going to do it anonymously oh please that's a confession box for cowards we take fires very
02:08serious around here we figure out what happened it never happens again and we go back to work so i
02:14don't want to work feel free to share i'm here to listen my ass well i'm i'm here to read
02:19todd's got
02:20a bitch box todd's got a bitch box todd's got a bitch box all right real fucking funny
02:34come on people it's not that hard so no one has anything to say that's nice we're not leaving
02:40this room until we get to the bottom of this he's gonna sit here all fucking day fill the cards
02:44out
02:45let's go all right toddy traitor you want me to come in your box you don't know anything about
02:51that's a start thank you it's not anonymous we all know who wrote it i just want to get back
02:55to
02:55work keep it coming so what do you think you want to touch all the bases a little later a
02:59little
03:00quickie uh check-in a little face time except my face will be right okay you're not very good at
03:05this are you there you go bud i could be up for a little impromptu tool inspection who's gonna start
03:11a real fucking fire well that's the spirit let's get this show on the road suck on that todd
03:19not reading that one out loud you have to read them out loud todd there's no writing do you want
03:24me to describe this sure this is a vagina pissing on a fire no help there it is well done
03:35though
03:35very hairy i have to read dirty things all the time i'm hr yeah we know allow me hey homer
03:41i think
03:41this one's mine uh it's okay you don't want to read that now let her read it todd trust me
03:47i got
03:47it check this one janet needs to get laid yes this is 100 accurate it's the truth i'm desperate
03:56feedback cards eh you sure you don't want to just use standard protocol for fires you know question
04:02people establish timelines identify ignition source trying to think outside the box here by thinking
04:09inside the box i think this may actually work okay keep me posted
04:16the piss cookies in the shitter are rank janet needs to stop flapping her gums about how i dress
04:23that's me are we running a refinery here or a beauty patch your laces are always loose
04:29yep your coveralls stink like shit it's my musk and you cut the sleeves off of every shirt which
04:36is unhygienic i gotta let my arms breathe preach taser i get more complaints about you than i do
04:41anyone else in the facility really that's what i was going for and you're a shit driver
04:48you never yield to oncoming traffic you never use your blinker and you park across two spaces
04:54you can tell me how to dress janet but you can't say i'm a shit driver shit driver okay taser
04:59can
04:59drive and you've got rules janet moving on i can drive fuck don't worry about it you're a good
05:05driver bummer is a pyrophile fire makes her horny it does not why the hell would you write that you
05:12dick why would you think i wrote that you're the only one that knows we all know now we were
05:17trying to
05:18get to the bottom of the fire your hoo-ha gets moist at every open flame i thought it was
05:21important
05:22information if everyone must know it's only because i got my cherry pop watching backtrack
05:26well at least that's about fire it's getting hot yeah calm down we were the only ones in the theater
05:30is that a music did anybody else write anything about the actual fucking fire
05:36what fire morning roach lunch ready todd says open door policy but his door is literally always
05:43closed yeah what the hell are you doing in there anyway just yanking it i'm doing actual work
05:47oh shit okay this next card it's gonna be with the fire i know it i can feel it yeah
05:53yeah read it
05:55taser's homemade hot sauce is too spicy the next day it felt like i was shitting a saw blade
06:01now i have anal tissues issues fissures fissures yeah yeah makes sense i have a really sensitive anal
06:08cavity and uh there was an alarming amount of blood in the bowl so i guess you you wrote this
06:13one just use less peppers all right pal less peppers todd can't take constructive criticism
06:19okay that is ridiculous who the wrote this card me again seriously taser we are never gonna figure
06:25this out man i have one standpoint todd got rid of the only thing i loved about him his rat
06:33tail
06:36thank you for the constructive criticism dude looks great see how i'm embracing that yeah nice shirt
06:41okay please let this next card be about the fire come on help me out here
06:49if this isn't a safety violation i don't know what is backwards has been plowing audrey in tank 18
06:55oh fuck off who the fuck wrote that one what the fuck what the fuck is right audrey is this
07:01true
07:01who the fuck's writing that shit yeah right you fuckers think that's funny shit is getting
07:05spicy yeah it is the actual fuck guys where's load of hooey is this make shit up hour everybody
07:12yeah really fucking funny hilarious ha ha ha ha jesus take it easy you think i'm into him
07:19right fucking look at him hard pass what yeah i can't i don't see it this is fucking grade a
07:24beef
07:24right here all right you look like a fucking ostrich easy now oh you look like a bloated yeti with
07:30a
07:30perm you don't have any good insults okay sit down you two let's get back on track well why would
07:36anyone write that down and lie about it i don't fucking know same reason someone made up the dumb ass
07:43rumor that leonard had a threesome with two lady engineers at the nerd seminar in truro wait people
07:50were saying that wow yeah apparently like which engineers tina or shelly shelly's pretty hot we
07:58shared an uber to the airport once and he might have brushed a shin giving people ideas the point is
08:03that nobody is taking these cards seriously this fire could have caused a lot of damage true what's
08:09fire okay we're going off the rails here let's take a break everyone think about what they want
08:13to say about the fire and let's fill this fucking box please i'm like crashed out pretty hard could
08:19we like go over the box once again why don't you go back to sleep broach you stone queef
08:24come on letter what are you saying just spit it out just so you guys know i've only had sex
08:28with my
08:29wife i haven't had sex with her recently all right why is this line so long because obviously tanner
08:35isn't jimmy for fox sakes last time we had sex was the night we got the shih tzu puppy damn
08:42isn't your dog four gram cricket the fuck the big kids need this room come back in 10
08:47tool inspection skeet get one fucking see ya well at least sanitize after you damn it why didn't you
08:53grab my straight paintbrush before you got kicked out man you signed your name is lucio the paperwork's
08:58wrong oh the paperwork's wrong well i filled out to bring your child to work paperwork and you're
09:02here tool inspection huh good call who the fuck wrote that card i have no idea but if i find
09:08out
09:09i will slap the yellow off of their mangy rat teeth bigger question though is do you think that
09:13todd fucking believed it i don't know that either but why don't we just tell him the truth what
09:16no why don't we find out who started that stupid fucking fire maybe that'll distract him from us
09:21okay that's a good plan solid plan it's a hot sexy ostrich plan that's what it is
09:27cool fuck you fuck me hard where are you going we got eight minutes i only need two
09:32yeah yeah you just keep sucking on that thing okay
09:40now we gotta take this to todd
09:43who's got an open door policy now motherfuckers sorry to be pedantic there todd but that's more
09:48of a no door policy and it's in effect tanner and roach be patient everybody todd will get to
09:56you all you fucking hag i can't get into my computer you change the password no maybe you just didn't
10:02type it in properly on account of those disgusting long square nails everyone knows it's squabble or
10:06coffin shape now at least i'm not still wearing glitter polish ladies glitter is eternal yeah it is
10:12thank you it's nice yeah thanks i think french kids are very classy they are and they make your
10:18fingers look short and mine are pretty hey hey isn't today beach day friday why don't you do hash
10:26it out over some drinky poos down by the water drinky poos are for besties i'd rather go dewey
10:31anyway too bad dewey's coming with me hell to the no come on dewey come with me
10:35come on dewey come with me
10:37out there's enough of them now you need to hijack us all
10:40ow
10:57i thought i walked that you okay
11:00i need a favor is that an ant farm close i'm harvesting earwig pheromones he's not close
11:08why fuck it never mind just don't bring that shit home no shit they're far too emotionally
11:14sensitive i'm trying to find out who started that fire and i need your help because if you
11:19expose the fire starter it'll distract todd from the feedback card about you and backwoods
11:24yes so what do you got from me ghost protocol no i shut that down i don't poke the bear
11:33i'm a normal man though you are not normal homer homer homer homer
11:40i'm desperate goodbye odds oh yeah okay fine i know that you used todd's tug rug for your
11:48nighttime rituals want me to text him and tell him right now how can i help you
11:54i don't care you sniff the paint hey stop that i'm smoking my fucking jesus christ boys
11:59it's my emotional support thing what the fuck do you mean i got glaucoma
12:03gluco do you smoke the glue now do you guys take whatever this is outside i need a word with
12:08todd
12:09hey i want to step outside play nice fuck wads throat stop fucking dealing with
12:14come on cricket what's up chels there hasn't been a single weld thrown today payroll hasn't gone
12:19out because bev and barb aren't even speaking if people don't get paid we will have a walkout
12:23on our hands that can't happen how far behind this is you guys almost done leonard won't stop
12:27talking about his wife's sexual balloon fetish oh god oh good come to the parking lot asap
12:32it's just going down best day ever just having my lunch i'm gonna have to go park somewhere else
12:39i'm not trying to scare you i'm just saying this is my car what the fuck is going on here
12:44just another shit driver trying to have a relaxed lunch hour in my parking spot right now lord
12:49fuck taser are you serious let it go go park way in the back where we parked janet enjoy the
12:55walk
12:55no i'm not going to do that you need to learn a lesson and i'm gonna park in my spot
12:59could you
13:00just park somewhere else for today janet it's the principal i'm hitting the gas taser
13:05no you're not no you're not oh running people over who's the shit driver now janet would you run
13:10him flat already hit him i'll back you up in court hey todd the feedback cards aren't working
13:15we know more than enough about everyone's sex size but we're still no closer to finding out who
13:19started this fire you know your crew right yes fucking fix this stuff it up everyone in the
13:25lunch room now let's go here's the man lots of mine
13:33what you guys you just kicked my chair tubs what do you got for me here we go and we
13:38are
13:40live holy shit homer i thought you chilled out on the spying i never stopped watching
13:46i just pretended i didn't care now let's take a closer look who's juanita i name all my cameras
13:51after significant women in my life juanita is located in the vending machine and then of course
13:57there's this angle maureen's my favorite that's why i put her on the roof under the stars
14:02that's romantic all right and bingo there she is our sparkling little crime scene can you zoom
14:11in on that can i zoom you know dumb questions like that would have made the old homer flip this
14:16whole fucking van that's fucking dramatic man this is the new homer so let's get to the bottom of
14:22this shall we okay
14:33listen up everyone i started this with good intentions but it caused you guys to fight
14:39about the most ridiculous shit we learned about people's fetishes that no one needs to know about
14:43and making up ridiculous stories about tank 18 terrible you believe all that malarkey bullshit
14:49story i've ever heard in my life most of this shit needs to get checked at the door this ends
14:55now
14:56here we go here we go bye bye bye snitchy bitch box all right everybody okay now everyone's getting
15:06along oh oh god okay uh well at least we know who started this fire oh my god god extinguish
15:15just give me a hand here you go bye extinguish it it's getting hot it's getting hot
15:23you okay scary no i'm not i didn't want to do this but i gotta lay the fucking hammer down
15:30if someone doesn't come forward about this fire in the next five minutes and i find out later it was
15:34you you're fired um a minute bro what's up
15:43uh let's take five everyone
15:46so what do you got here we go
15:50yesterday noon dewey has a package of chocolate delivered
15:53don't ask the box is stuffed with flammable paper which he disposes of in the garbage can
15:58idiot number one what a dumbass
16:003 30 taser on his way to the refinery from a weld tosses an oily rag that rests on the
16:06paper
16:06idiot number two fucking knew it was gonna be him
16:085 30 p.m mr todd stool that's you on his way out from work discards his empty glass juice
16:16bottle
16:16the kind my kids drink into the garbage okay how is that relevant it rests there overnight until
16:24exactly 7 42 a.m when the sun sits just right turning the bottle into a magnifying glass and
16:31poof garbage fire case closed idiot number three okay so no one is to blame and we're all to blame
16:40well actually glass goes in the recycling everyone knows that dumbass so technically 65 35 your fault
16:47there's a lot of pissed off people in that lunch room you're gonna say anything and why fire myself
16:53i don't know what i'm gonna do what was that bullshit with you and backwards huh what now you
16:58two are like giving the blood the patent i i can't even fucking say it it's gross it's weird and
17:03i don't
17:04want to think about it well were the things that they wrote about you on those cards true plus could
17:08have been backwards in anyone he's a notorious slut true totally i mean could have been backwards and
17:13tanner yeah he doesn't know what a box fart is he's probably never seen a human vagina huh totally
17:17let's go backwards and cricket is that a thing you don't know the half of it as of section 5
17:22.2 of
17:23the labor code anyone who violates the fire safety protocol shall be fired so let's respect the boss
17:29here like todd said fess up or you're fired john has the floor thank you stephanie here's the deal
17:37everyone we're gonna forget about this entire incident what why false alarm i hope we all learned a lot
17:43let's move past it let's get back to work i wanted to see someone get fired shut it cricket great
17:49leaders
17:49don't look around for someone to blame tanner blaming is more for people like janet i've had enough
17:55taser so unprofessional you know what else is unprofessional speculating about someone's sex
18:01life with two female engineers i mean how does that even work who's in front and who takes the notes
18:07you
18:08should watch a part of whoever's not holding whatever turns you on should not be up for
18:11discussion what if he got some sick moves that people need to know that's right you do bro
18:17help me i swear to god if you blow that you might do in here anyway
18:22oh hey i just found a few more cards do you guys want to hear them
18:28everybody shut the up thank you uh leonard may not put the blocks to his wife enough but
18:35he fixed my laptop a few years ago and that was that was nice yeah i do need to give
18:41it to her
18:41more okay that's it no no no hang on read this one here about bum and bummer oh i didn't
18:47even see
18:48that one oh look how that turned out bev and berber such good friends i wish i had a friend
18:55to get
18:56mayonnaise and petties with and a friend to finish my sentences oh i mean we are friendship goals
19:05oh that's really oh i'm gonna need this sorry take that okay that is the last card no no hang
19:10on hang on there was one here read this one about teaser and janet oh how did i miss that
19:18let's hear it taser can drive yes and janet has had sex yes i have
19:24really why did you see that wow that was almost lazily on point oh there's another one todd's the
19:31fucking man yeah he is yeah i thought he wrote that himself probably okay let's get back to work
19:35everybody is there a card for me janet oh wow oh yeah there is actually chelsea is the best site
19:42manager
19:42ever that one's anonymous obviously that's all i'm just looking out for you we need to talk about what
19:49it's purely okay oh this should be interesting this better be good all right this is just a sampler
20:01oh how many angles of us do you have everyone you can imagine oh you little purr get rid of
20:08them
20:08i mean all of them even the one from tank 18 that was hard i was fucking right it was
20:13hard
20:14listen delete absolutely everything just make me a copy first joke's on you i already made copies what
20:22i'll have one too please
20:28all right that should do it good job
20:33that is what i call follow through
20:44should i come back
21:00there we go feed my children
21:15classic class d fire class d
21:23hey yo dano put me in the box thanks hey steph i got the uh
21:28you'll tell us
21:36sorry steph
21:38Out, out, out, out, out.
22:08Out, out, out, out.
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