- 5 hours ago
Madame's Place (1982) Season 1 Episode 2
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TVTranscript
00:02They often say she's an ageless wonder. Her lust for life makes this lady change.
00:10When a young man looks at Madame, she just throws herself right at him. She's young and hot and still
00:17getting her kicks.
00:18And at Madame's place, she's a prime time queen. She throws her stuff on a TV screen. Her outrageous charm
00:30fills this money fund that we call Madame's place.
00:46Here at Madame's place, she's the perfect host. She rocks the airwaves from coast to coast. Her outrageous charm fills
00:58this money fund that we call Madame's place.
01:16Hello? Hello, Heth? Yes, Madame here, darling. Yes, dear. Yeah, well, I checked my calendar and I just can't do
01:24it on that date. Yeah, I'm all booked up. I'm sorry, too, Heth. Nothing I wouldn't have enjoyed more. Maybe
01:30some of the time. Oh, good, darling.
01:33Well, ta-ta. And say hi to Vicki and Susie and Terry and Marla and Dee Dee and Babs and
01:40the other Vicki and Brenda and Monica and Colette and Raquel. Yes, think about it then, too. Okay. Ciao, darling.
01:49Who were all those women? Oh, they were Heth's date for last evening. What was his reaction when you said
01:56no? Oh, severe disappointment. But he should know better than to ask me to do the Cinefold for less than
02:0210 Gs. Really? What else do you have for me, Bernie?
02:05Well, the Capicelli brothers called from Reno and they would like an answer today on their proposed chain of Madame
02:14Drive-Thru marriage stands. Oh, that's not for me, darling. Call them and give them Gabor's number. Which Gabor? Doesn't
02:21matter. Take your pick. Anything else?
02:23Oh, yes. Now, the Terre Haute Terras of the Indiana Semi-Pro Soccer League want you to kick out the
02:30first ball on opening night.
02:32How much?
02:33Well, they said they only had $100 in their budget.
02:37Oh, no, no, no. I don't kick balls for $100.
02:40Stick them a classy and wish them well.
02:42Well, have you seen my niece, Sarah Joy?
02:44Yes, as a matter of fact, I did.
02:46Uh, she left this morning by herself to seek lodging as per your request.
02:52As per my request?
02:53I told Pinkerton to take her.
02:56Pinky!
02:57Yes, ma'am?
02:57What are you doing here?
02:59Bringing in wood for the fireplace, madam, for the hot California winter.
03:04Oh, I thought you were out with Sarah Joy, helping her find a place to live.
03:09No, madam. I didn't feel like visiting a series of bachelorette apartments in buildings named Casa de Amor.
03:17Oh, but Pinky, that girl's body is a magnet to the virile.
03:20She might as well be wearing a sign that says,
03:22If you're gonna do it, take a number and go do it.
03:27Auntie, madam, I can't wait to tell you, I had the best time in Hollywood.
03:32Oh, really?
03:33Well, uh, that's wonderful, darling, but let's get to the important part.
03:36Did you find a place to live?
03:38Well, I'm not sure.
03:40Oh, you have a brochure?
03:42Uh-huh.
03:42Let me see.
03:43Okay.
03:44Ah, swing that butt, Garden Apartments.
03:47One key fits all doors.
03:48Who wrote this? Buddy Hackett?
03:52The only problem is that the circus couple who lives there won't be moving out until the end of the
03:56month.
03:56What's the matter? The snake pregnant?
03:59Shame, shame, shame.
04:00You've got to keep looking.
04:02Oh, madam, it's time for your favorite television show.
04:05Oh, goody, goody, goody.
04:06Hey, Sarah Joy.
04:07Thank you, Pinky.
04:08Come on, we can talk while we watch TV.
04:10You're gonna love this.
04:11Oh, not so fast.
04:13I got tiny little feet.
04:15Good.
04:16Now, that's Bonnie, who used to be Bill before the operation.
04:19She recently became Keith's sister.
04:23Oh, that tickles.
04:27Speaking of sisters, how's your mama, Big Marmalina?
04:30Is she still strict with her offspring?
04:32Oh, yes, ma'am.
04:33She's quite strict, as always.
04:35You know, last month, my sister, Darla Gale, she announced she was going to have her first child.
04:40Mama called her a tramp.
04:42Is Darla gonna get married?
04:44Darla's been married for six years.
04:47Whee!
04:47My sister is strict.
04:49Which brings up a curious point, Sarah Joy.
04:53Why, if your mother is so strict, would she ever allow you to come all the way out to Hollywood
04:58by yourself?
05:01Well, ma'am?
05:03Sarah Joy?
05:04Um, she doesn't know I'm here.
05:08Uh, what?
05:10Well, Mama would never let me come here, so I ran away.
05:14Oh, my God!
05:15My poor dear sister must be more upset than she's ever been.
05:18Even more than when they broke it to her that the three stooges were married.
05:22To each other?
05:23Well, you don't have to worry, madam, because I mailed her a postcard this morning from the Museum of Starlets
05:28and Stand-In.
05:29Oh, well, good.
05:31I'm so relieved.
05:32I tell you what, darling, come with me.
05:34If you want to act, we should find out if you have what it takes.
05:38Okay.
05:39Is it dry?
05:42Here are the scripts, madam.
05:43Oh, wonderful, Pinky.
05:45I was just teaching Sarah Joy about showbiz.
05:48Oh.
05:49When I first came to Tinseltown, the only job I could find was selling maps to the homes of game
05:54show hosts.
05:55What a day.
05:56Ooh.
05:57I had no idea.
05:59Yes.
06:00Are you discouraged yet?
06:01Oh, no, ma'am.
06:02And I never will be.
06:03I don't know what I can add.
06:05Then take a script, honey.
06:06I think they're the orange ones.
06:07Okay.
06:09Well, the floozy, the philanderer, and Wanda.
06:12Mm-hmm.
06:13What's philanderer?
06:14Uh, philanderer?
06:15Well, that's as in Hollywood.
06:17A wolf in sheep's clothing.
06:18As in whoop, whoop.
06:20Whip, whoop.
06:20Whip, whoop.
06:21Whip, whoop.
06:22All right.
06:22Let's get center stage.
06:24Pinky, we're going to need a champagne bottle.
06:27All right.
06:28Now, everyone, turn to page 42.
06:31I think I know this scene by heart.
06:34The scene is this.
06:36Pinkerton is Spencer, a married man and a philanderer.
06:39Whip, whoop.
06:40Whip.
06:40Whip.
06:40I am a sweet, innocent girl, Wanda, who happens to be in Spencer's apartment.
06:44By mistake.
06:46Well, who am I?
06:47Oh, you're Spencer's floozy wife, Ellen, who is very jealous.
06:51You're very angry at this scene, Sarah Joy.
06:53Your motivation is that someone creamed your Datsun in the parking lot at Burger King.
06:58You are really P.O.
07:00You get my drink?
07:01Sorry.
07:02Okay.
07:02Now, go outside the front door and walk in on us.
07:04We'll prepare.
07:05Okay.
07:06Bye-bye.
07:07Okay.
07:08I'll put the script down.
07:12Okay, Sarah Joy, come in.
07:16Aha!
07:17I've caught you with my husband, you little trap.
07:20Ellen closes the door.
07:22Cops!
07:23Sarah Joy, Ellen closes the door as a stage direction.
07:27You don't say it.
07:28You do what it says.
07:30Oh, I see.
07:31Sorry.
07:33Oh, my.
07:34You told me you were single, Spencer.
07:36Ellen steps forward.
07:39He's not single.
07:41He's my husband.
07:42Why, you two-timer?
07:44I think I'm going to faint.
07:45Ah!
07:47Clack!
07:48Sarah Joy, you're supposed to catch me in your arms.
07:52Sorry.
07:53Oh.
07:55You philanderer, you.
07:59Don't listen to her, my darling.
08:02I don't even know her name, this harlot.
08:05She walked in a minute ago and said she was in trouble.
08:09That's not true.
08:11Shut up, you floozy.
08:14Ellen breaks champagne bottle over her head.
08:19Oh, my gosh.
08:21Over my head, Sarah Joy.
08:24Over my head.
08:25Oh, my gosh.
08:27Come on now.
08:32Do you know how hard I've worked to keep this marriage together?
08:37Ellen slaps her.
08:40Oh, come on, Sarah Joy.
08:41You can't be an actress if you can't express anger.
08:43Slap me harder.
08:46Ah!
08:51Oh, that's enough.
08:54Call the Piazadora acting school.
08:57Find out if they're still in business.
09:01Oh, Auntie, ma'am, does this mean I have your blessing to try and make it in show business?
09:05Honey, you have my blessing to try to make it, but on your own.
09:10If you don't make it on your own, the whole kit and caboodle is as worthless as a monk in
09:15a cat house.
09:17Oh.
09:19Oh.
09:21What's wrong, child?
09:23Oh, I just started thinking about Roscoe Gene Hupp.
09:27See, he's this boy back home who really loves me.
09:31Oh?
09:33Perhaps you'd like to return to him.
09:34Settle down.
09:35Have yourself a dozen little rug apes.
09:37Oh, no, ma'am.
09:38I mean, I would have, but Roscoe turned weird on me after Mama told him I couldn't be alone with
09:44him.
09:44Really?
09:45What did he do?
09:46Well, he painted my face on his hand, and then he put this little blonde wig on top and called
09:52it Sarah Joy.
09:53My word, how bizarre.
09:56Well, him and his hand are real happy together out here.
09:59Oh, good.
10:00Well, they'll fall behind you now, thank God.
10:03Now, you have to find a job and get yourself a place to live, Sarah Joy.
10:06I will, Auntie, Nat.
10:07You know, I'm so excited about this.
10:09Do you have any suggestions on where I might start looking?
10:11Yes, dear, I certainly do.
10:12Check the yellow pages.
10:14Under convent.
10:15You know how to spell convent?
10:16C-O-N-V-E-N-T.
10:18Good.
10:19Very good.
10:19Okay, run along, darling.
10:21To a nunnery go.
10:22Oh, look at this hair.
10:24I've got to get a new dude.
10:25I'm tired of this dope.
10:28The Amazing Leopold will be our next right after the commercial.
10:32The Amazing Leopold?
10:33Oh, no, not the world's most incompetent magician.
10:36That guy's the worst, the pits, the lowest.
10:39The only thing he can make disappear is the audience.
10:42Oh, dear.
10:42Oh, hi, we're back.
10:45Hello.
10:46My next guest is probably the world's greatest magician.
10:49He knows more tricks than a hooker at a convention.
10:54Now, would you please welcome with me the amazing Leopold.
10:57Hit it, Leo.
10:58Yay!
11:11My, my, my, Leo, you certainly ended with a flush and a flurry.
11:15How are you, darling?
11:17Oh, thank you.
11:19Oh, my, have a seat.
11:22Oh, there goes your win-victory act, hey?
11:28I don't care much for birds, anyhow.
11:31They're the only animals on this earth that will dump on you without a cause.
11:34Oh, sorry, madam.
11:36It's okay, Leo.
11:37You squashed the birds.
11:39What's next?
11:40Tonight, I'm going to do my greatest trick.
11:43Oh, wonderful.
11:44That's what you said the last time you were on, before you sawed the log in half.
11:47How exciting.
11:48Tonight, I'm going to saw you in half.
11:50Wait a minute.
11:51You think I'm putting my life in the hands of a guy who just sat on his bird?
11:55No dangers at all.
11:57You can trust me.
11:58You can trust me?
11:59Honey, that's one of the world's three biggest lies, along with the checks in the mail.
12:04And I've never done this with anyone else, John.
12:07Well, madam, it's time for you to get into the box.
12:10Hmm, that's usually my line.
12:12Well, here it goes.
12:15I'm telling you what, Leopold.
12:17If something goes wrong with this act, half of me is going to sue you.
12:20Oh, like I said before, madam, there's nothing to be afraid of.
12:23Nothing.
12:23My, my, my.
12:24It looks like a casket.
12:26Come on in.
12:26The body's in the parlor.
12:29They could do a good job on her face.
12:30But they shaved her mustache.
12:34Madam, in the box, please.
12:36Oh, gosh.
12:36Okay, just a second.
12:37Let me get my leg up here.
12:42Wait a minute.
12:42Wait, wait, wait.
12:43Let me get...
12:44Oh, gosh.
12:45I just think what it used to...
12:46Grab that one over there, honey.
12:48Stick that in.
12:48Oh.
12:50Just bring it up there.
12:51Oh, madam, your shoe are coming off.
12:52Maybe I should take it off.
12:53It makes it easier.
12:54Oh, what the hell?
12:55Why not?
12:55I feel more at home.
12:57Excuse me?
13:02Well, alley-oop.
13:04Well, this sure ain't built for comfort, is it?
13:07I must have complete silence.
13:10Oh, my lord.
13:12Madam, are you ready?
13:13I guess so.
13:15Okay.
13:16We will begin.
13:22What's my bun?
13:25Well, not really.
13:26My chin's in the way.
13:27But then turn over.
13:28Okay.
13:31There we go.
13:33Now I shall begin the most amazing feat you've ever witnessed.
13:36Sorry, Leo.
13:37Nothing to beat something I saw Earl Flynn do.
13:39What?
13:40I'm sorry.
13:40Who did this train get to Albuquerque?
13:42Slow down, man.
13:45Oh, my lord.
13:46What the hell are you doing?
13:48No!
13:49Ow!
13:50Ow!
13:50You just ruined two gorgeous legs.
13:53Ow!
13:55Ow!
13:56Ow!
13:56Ow!
13:57Ow!
13:57Ow!
13:57Ow!
13:57Ow!
13:58Ow!
13:58Ow!
13:59I'm not going to need a manicure now.
14:03Watch this.
14:04Oh, no.
14:04What next?
14:08Ow!
14:12All right now.
14:15Now what?
14:16What the hell are you doing?
14:18Oh, my lord.
14:20Oh, a split begin in Albuquerque.
14:23Oh, my.
14:25Give me back the rest of my body, darling.
14:28That's an app that has all the fun.
14:30That's an app that has all the fun.
14:35That's it.
14:36You're two.
14:37Well, that's our show for tonight, folks.
14:39If any of my men friends want to come see me, I'll be at the Holiday Inn in room 112
14:44and room 113.
14:48Oh, my God.
14:48I'm so fast, madam.
14:49Oh, my God.
14:50Just will it.
14:51I'm going to turn over for this.
14:53Woo!
14:54Wow.
14:54How you doing, Ben?
14:55I'm just fine, madam.
14:56And tonight, this is your pass.
14:59Oh, Leopold.
15:00Put me back together, honey.
15:01I don't want my story done in two parts.
15:03Okay, we're a little pressed for time.
15:05What the hell do I care what you're pressed for, Jack?
15:07That's the rest of my bottle over there in that box.
15:10Yes, the amazing Leopold will reunite you with yourself right after the show.
15:13But right now, I'd like to reunite you with some important people from your past.
15:17I'd rather have my rear end back, Ben.
15:20Magnificent, madam.
15:21Star of stage and screen.
15:22But you weren't always famous, madam.
15:24Who the hell was besides Uncle Miltie?
15:26Your mail starts in Dawson, Georgia.
15:29Right.
15:30And then it's five feet away.
15:32Fourteen years old.
15:33You marry for the first time.
15:35Our marriage was doomed from the very moment it began.
15:40Could it be true?
15:40I don't believe it.
15:42That's Earl McDonald, the only man in the South with one first name.
15:45Yes, madam.
15:46From Tender, Texas, where he works as a greeter in a crematorium, your first husband, Earl McDonald.
15:51Oh!
15:52There he is, Earl!
15:54What the hell are you doing in their booth?
15:56Hi, Earl!
15:57Have you got lung trouble?
15:58Earl's not bright, Biff, but he's hung like a painting.
16:03In that case, why didn't your marriage to madam work out?
16:06Well, Biff, me and madam is just two entirely different kinds of human beings.
16:11I love beer.
16:13And she hates it.
16:14I don't hate beer.
16:15I just like to open a can for a drink it.
16:18Yeah, but we've remained very close.
16:21I have all of her albums.
16:23I haven't made any albums, Earl.
16:25Earl?
16:25Oh, come on.
16:27I keep getting you mixed up with Della Reese.
16:30Thank you, Earl McDonald.
16:31You'll be seeing madam later at the party in her honor at the Jimmy Carter Hotel.
16:37That's the Earl.
16:39Well, madam.
16:40What a jerk.
16:41After your divorce from Earl, you wrap your cardboard luggage in twine and you're headed for Hollywood.
16:47I used to give madam free scraps of meat when she didn't have any money for food.
16:52My nickname for her was Fido.
16:55Why, that's Benny the Butcher.
16:57That's right, madam, from Chicago, where he owns a chain of all-night do-it-yourself slaughterhouses, former Hollywood butcher,
17:03Benny Sitter.
17:04Oh, my gosh.
17:06How are you, Benny?
17:09What's hanging in your window, honey?
17:12You never did kiss me.
17:14Madam, how did Benny affect your life?
17:16Well, all us starving young actresses would go to him when we were out of money, and Benny would throw
17:21us scraps of food like we were dogs.
17:23Sometimes I had them roll over and play dead.
17:26I even customized the balls and put the names on them.
17:30Oh, get it out of my sight.
17:32Benny, everyone but you will be joining madam later at the party in her honor at the Hollywood Jimmy Carter
17:37Hotel.
17:38Yes.
17:39We'll all be there.
17:40And finally, madam, do you know this voice?
17:44When I left home just two days ago, everyone told me to watch out for all the sin in Hollywood.
17:50Well, I decided to look Aunt madam up anyhow.
17:52Oh, no, her voice.
17:55Why, she's sleeping in my home, eating my food and causing my pool boy to rub himself down with ice
18:00cubes every half hour.
18:01Yes, madam, in order that she could share with your celebration, this is your past brought her all the way
18:06from Georgia by bus, your niece, Sarah Joy Pink.
18:09Why, that little stinker.
18:10She maybe thinks she ran away from home.
18:13How you doing, honey?
18:15Ah, such a gracious woman to allow your niece to live with you permanently.
18:18Oh, Aunt madam's not going to let me live with her permanently, Biff.
18:21You see, it's just for...
18:22Hush up, child.
18:23I won't hear another word of that.
18:25Of course you can live with me.
18:27I can?
18:28God bless you, madam.
18:29Isn't she a magnificent woman?
18:30Yes, indeedy, madam, gives her a public buddy ball.
18:33And now, madam, as a memento of your visit with us tonight, here is your past.
18:39I'd like you to have this charm bracelet.
18:45Oh, my.
18:47Madam, every charm here symbolizes a memorable part of your life.
18:52Does a little vibrator work?
18:54It's beautiful, Biff.
18:56I'm a star Leopold.
18:58Hurry and reconnect me and do it fast.
19:00I say fast, not half fast.
19:03Get your act together.
19:04Oh, I dropped my little charm bracelet.
19:06Well, madam's still got a charm.
19:08Then tune in tomorrow.
19:09Well, we'll be back.
19:10I don't know.
19:11I think maybe...
19:12Yes!
19:13Oh, God.
19:15Mm, mm, mm.
19:17In one piece.
19:27R.A., tonight was an interesting one.
19:31Yes, I was a subject on Here Is Your Past.
19:34And with a past like mine, it should have been a series.
19:38I nearly died when that magician played the shell game with my torso.
19:44Which cup has the madam?
19:46Really?
19:47Well, the last time I saw my legs like that, they were hanging out of the back seat of a
19:51car.
19:54Oh, Pinky.
19:56Thank you very much, Pinky.
19:58Are my guests all bedded down for the night?
20:00Yes, madam.
20:01Oh, but we had to call the paramedics for Mr. McDonald.
20:04Good Lord, what happened?
20:06It seems he ate an entire bucket of chicken, including the bucket.
20:10Oh, I tell you that man, he's got to open things before he eats them.
20:14Cardboard is so hard to pass.
20:17They said he'd be fine.
20:19Good night.
20:20Good night, Pinky.
20:25Oh, Sarah Joy.
20:29I just want to thank you, ma'am, for letting me live here on a permanent basis.
20:33You're certainly welcome, Sarah.
20:35But you should remember, nothing is permanent.
20:39Soon you'll get a job, you'll feel a surge of independence.
20:41And you'll want to move out and be on your own.
20:44Oh, I know I'll feel that surge, ma'am, after living here maybe five years.
21:00Five years?
21:03My God, what have I done?
21:05Two days ago, I was a swinging single, and now from out of nowhere, I'm playing mama to a sexpot
21:10who doesn't even know she is one.
21:13What on earth have I done to my life?
21:16Oh, don't write that cancel back.
21:25Stay tuned.
21:26TV Land's The Love Scad 1999 continues with Spin City's Michael Boltman and Alan Rock hosting the shows they love,
21:35right here in TV Land.
21:38TV Land's The Love Scadmine and Alan Rock hosting the show.
21:39TV Land's The Love Scadmine and Alan Rock hosting the show.
21:42TV Land's The Love Scadmine and Alan Rock hosting the show.
21:43TV Land's The Love Scadmine and Alan Rock hosting the show.
21:44TV Land's The Love Scadmine and Alan Rock hosting the show.
21:50TV Land's The Love Scadmine and Alan Rock hosting the show.
21:54TV Land's The Love Scadmine and Alan Rock hosting the show.
21:54TV Land's The Love Scadmine and Alan Rock hosting the show.
21:55TV Land's The Love Scadmine and Alan Rock hosting the show.
21:55TV Land's The Love Scadmine and Alan Rock hosting the show.
21:56TV Land's The Love Scadmine and Alan Rock hosting the show.
21:56TV Land's The Love Scadmine and Alan Rock hosting the show.
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