Taped live during a performance at the historic Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C., Katt Williams' third stand-up comedy special finds the outspoken funnyman offering his unique take on the world of politics. Nothing is off limits as Williams touches on everything from the politics of Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and George W. Bush to questionable election advertisements, shady campaign tactics, and much, much more!
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#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #kattwilliams #kattwilliamscomedy #kattwilliamsstandup
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FunTranscript
00:00:20Oh man, D.C. is always remarkable, it doesn't matter when you come, how you come, D.C. is
00:00:27always a business.
00:01:03Life is short, you better enjoy it while you got, stop being ungrateful all the goddamn
00:01:08time.
00:01:09That is Money Mike on Friday after next, wild it out, Pimp Chronicles American Hustle for
00:01:15a Sunday, D.C. get on your motherfucking seat, and give it up to Cat.
00:01:23I used to see, saying that I chose this cute apartment, I wanna be, and I apologize if
00:01:29this message gets you down, then I cc'd every girl that I cc round on, to choose a lover,
00:01:35never in the seats like it earns, I wanna cover, money on a dresser, drive a compressor, top
00:01:44get the most, not the lesser, trash like the fuck, the $40 in the hood, but the game,
00:01:50you get no good, you be buck, don't you give it all that you got, a thousand on the pop,
00:01:55I'm pulling billions off the lot, I smashed up the grade one, brought me a red, every time
00:02:01I hit the parking, I would turn red, some fucks, I wanna choose, but them, they're too scary,
00:02:06told me you ain't a cliffs, you're a fearsome, Oh, oh, oh, oh
00:02:13oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
00:02:16Okay, god damn it, what's going on in this big city, please?
00:02:21Thank you!
00:02:22God damn it!
00:02:27Uh, uh...
00:02:36To the rest of the world,
00:02:40this is what
00:02:42D.C. looks like.
00:02:48And that's wonderful, because it's beautiful and
00:02:51y'all really do have some historical,
00:02:55wonderful places to look at.
00:02:59What you don't find out until you're actually in D.C.
00:03:06Is that why you looking at this?
00:03:09D.C. is actually behind you.
00:03:14And D.C. look like this.
00:03:16What's going on, my niggas?
00:03:18Woo! D.C.
00:03:22Nothing fucking like it.
00:03:25I'm so happy to be here.
00:03:26Your motherfuckers have been wonderful.
00:03:28Before I get started, what a motherfucking pleasure it is
00:03:31with all the hating going on in the world
00:03:33to be surrounded by this many real motherfuckers.
00:03:35At one goddamn time.
00:03:37It is certainly a pleasure.
00:03:39Certainly a fucking pleasure.
00:03:41I gotta...
00:03:43There's so much going on in the world right now,
00:03:46and I need to say to real motherfuckers,
00:03:47you gonna have to be a little bit more selfish in 2008.
00:03:51You're not selfish enough.
00:03:53Motherfuckers go all day trying to please other people and shit,
00:03:57and you forget you got to please your star player,
00:04:00the motherfucker that's in the mirror looking at you every goddamn day.
00:04:03That need to be the motherfucker you concerned about.
00:04:06Nigga, how are you doing today?
00:04:08Nigga, fuck what they talking about.
00:04:10You...
00:04:11Some of y'all is mean to yourself.
00:04:13Say terrible shit to yourself.
00:04:14I lie to me every morning in the mirror.
00:04:18Just ridiculous lies to make me feel better.
00:04:21Nigga, did you catch a growth spurt last night, nigga?
00:04:25You look like you could be five, five and a half today, nigga.
00:04:28This is a tall day for you.
00:04:30You...
00:04:31You better say some shit in 2008 to motivate your motherfucking self,
00:04:35because if you a real motherfucker, they hate you with every fucking thing they got.
00:04:40They can't stand it.
00:04:42They hate what you look like, what you're wearing, what you're driving,
00:04:46what you talk about, what you think about.
00:04:48They fucking hate it, and you gonna have to understand that's the way it is.
00:04:51Have you ever caught a motherfucker looking at you with...
00:04:54I just caught the stomach virus face.
00:04:57You ever just out your peripheral just called a motherfucker just...
00:05:08Like everything about you really fuck with them?
00:05:10That's what the fuck is supposed to happen.
00:05:12You gotta remember to laugh in 2008.
00:05:15You ain't gotta wait for a joke.
00:05:17The hater is the goddamn joke.
00:05:18Soon as you see that motherfucker, you supposed to laugh immediately.
00:05:23I know why you mad, nigga.
00:05:26I know why you mad.
00:05:27It might be bugs on the rest of you mugs, but it ain't no bugs on me.
00:05:31I know why you mad, nigga.
00:05:34You gonna have to be happy and be in tune with your star player,
00:05:37because these motherfuckers just own some bullshit.
00:05:39If you watch TV, all they want to talk about is the election.
00:05:43The election.
00:05:44It's time for a new president.
00:05:45I think first we need to celebrate the fact that Bush ain't gonna be president no goddamn more.
00:05:50First.
00:05:51First.
00:05:53This motherfucker.
00:05:57I don't understand.
00:05:58How the fuck do you get a job and fuck up everything?
00:06:02Everything?
00:06:04Everything.
00:06:05This motherfucker has fucked up everything.
00:06:08Gas, water, air, everything.
00:06:12And he's not just stupid.
00:06:13Bush don't even give a fuck.
00:06:14He won't even try.
00:06:16At least if you stupid, you should try.
00:06:19He don't even try.
00:06:20I don't even know why he go to the press conference.
00:06:22He don't even be talking about shit they even be talking about.
00:06:25They just...
00:06:26What do you think about the problem in dark fur?
00:06:28You get on that horse, you gotta ride it.
00:06:34Who the fuck asked him about a goddamn horse?
00:06:37Then he walk off like he done really said some shit.
00:06:45This motherfucker don't give a shit.
00:06:48Bush done led this country lost for eight goddamn years.
00:06:52For eight fucking years we've been not finding the same one motherfucker we was looking for in the first place.
00:06:58The same one motherfucker.
00:07:00Not a gang, not a group, not a country.
00:07:02The same one motherfucker.
00:07:04The tall one with the beard and the robes and the kidney problem and the dialysis machine lived in a
00:07:11cave doing a video right now.
00:07:13We still ain't found that same one motherfucker, but they know everything T.I. did at the Hip Hop Awards.
00:07:21They got that shit down in five minute increments.
00:07:25Just 9 o'clock, 9.05, 9.010, 9.15, 9...
00:07:31I don't know why that said 9.010.
00:07:34Some of you niggas couldn't wait.
00:07:35That dumbass nigga said 9.010.
00:07:39That's not even a real time nigga said.
00:07:43Bush's motherfucking ass, he don't give a shit.
00:07:46Every time you see our soldiers, they tired as shit from marching in the wrong goddamn direction.
00:07:52Every time you see him, just...
00:07:55Y'all going the wrong way.
00:07:56We know.
00:07:59We don't know shit.
00:08:00Two weeks ago on CNN, they said Pakistan is terror central.
00:08:05Pakistan?
00:08:06That's not what the fuck you motherfuckers said, Pakistan.
00:08:09You said Afghanistan.
00:08:11Then you said Iran, then Iraq, then Syria, then Baghdad.
00:08:19You motherfuckers have no idea where terror is, do you?
00:08:23And why the fuck is we chasing terror if terror can't even keep a home address?
00:08:27Maybe terror ain't doing well right now.
00:08:29But Bush don't give a fuck.
00:08:31He don't give a fuck.
00:08:32White people, y'all too nice.
00:08:33Just let a motherfucker fuck up the greatest country for eight years in a fucking row.
00:08:37White people, you just let the driver of the car be lost for miles and miles and miles.
00:08:43And they won't even say nothing.
00:08:45Just sit in the back seat and talk shit quietly to each other and shit.
00:08:59I don't think they even know where they're going.
00:09:02No, because we passed that three times, remember?
00:09:05I took a picture with my camera phone.
00:09:07You do remember.
00:09:08As niggas, we ain't got no patience.
00:09:10You can't even be the lost driver of niggas, cause we ain't got enough patience.
00:09:15Soon as your ass make two suspects lefts, your ass is no longer the goddamn driver.
00:09:21Niggas ain't got no patience.
00:09:22If one nigga in the back go...
00:09:26Hey, you gotta pull this motherfucker over, nigga.
00:09:28You can't be the driver if you don't know where the fuck you going.
00:09:31We got warrants back here, nigga.
00:09:33We can't be lost just looking around.
00:09:39Push his motherfucking ass.
00:09:41He don't give a shit.
00:09:43He think he can just go over there and fuck with all the countries that got brown people in it,
00:09:47then come back over here to America like everything ain't gonna be okay.
00:09:50Everything ain't gonna be okay.
00:09:52You can ask a nigga, you can go in the club and say fuck everybody in the club,
00:09:56but you cannot then walk back to your car.
00:09:58I keep trying to tell you...
00:10:00Go ahead, try it, try it.
00:10:04Fuck everybody in the club.
00:10:06Now go back to your car.
00:10:07Wait for it.
00:10:10The fuck I was trying to tell you.
00:10:17And now, now it's time for a new president.
00:10:20And all they want us to do is pick a new president.
00:10:23I feel like, didn't we just get out of a fucked up relationship?
00:10:26Maybe we don't need a president right now.
00:10:29Can we be single as a country for a while and maybe date a president?
00:10:34See how that worked out for a couple months?
00:10:36This shit is bullshit.
00:10:38I've been confused the whole goddamn election I've been confused.
00:10:42Because everybody commercials sound good at 2.30 in the goddamn morning
00:10:46and you done had a rough day and shit.
00:10:48They just...
00:10:48Do you care about your family?
00:10:55Yes, I do.
00:10:57Is healthcare important to you?
00:11:00Well, yes it is.
00:11:03No, nigga, this motherfucker know me personally.
00:11:05This ain't no regular campaign.
00:11:07This motherfucker's in my family life.
00:11:10I've been confused the whole goddamn election.
00:11:12Before Barack came along, I was excited about Hillary.
00:11:15I thought it was gonna be a good thing for us to have a woman in the office.
00:11:18I felt like at least if we had a woman president,
00:11:21we wouldn't have to worry about what other countries was doing
00:11:24because bitch gonna be on espionage on day one.
00:11:27That's gonna be her first shit.
00:11:29You know I got Chinese voicemail messages today, right?
00:11:32I'm gonna get the MySpace password by 10.30.
00:11:35Give me a second, bitch.
00:11:36It's my first day.
00:11:37But then Hillary came and started acting cocky for no goddamn reason.
00:11:41Like, she should have been president all goddamn ready.
00:11:43Like, you motherfuckers need to Google me.
00:11:45I've been running countries before this.
00:11:48She can't stand Barack's good-talking ass.
00:11:51Every time that nigga say something clever, she just...
00:12:00I don't know what Hillary was thinking.
00:12:01She thought she was just gonna inherit the minority vote.
00:12:04Like, she was just gonna get the nigga vote off top.
00:12:07Wait a minute, bitch.
00:12:08We don't know you like that.
00:12:15No, bitch, we like your husband.
00:12:17We like your husband.
00:12:19That's...
00:12:19That's not the same thing.
00:12:20You wasn't even on the invitation.
00:12:22It said Bill Clinton plus one.
00:12:24We didn't know who he was gonna bring.
00:12:26I was voting for Monica for no goddamn reason.
00:12:29I thought she was coming back.
00:12:32I'm just saying, you can't think niggas forget.
00:12:34Niggas don't forget.
00:12:35Last time I checked, you wasn't handling the presidential penis correctly.
00:12:39So I'm trying to figure out, if you can't handle a dick, bitch, how you gonna handle the world.
00:12:43That's a big place.
00:12:44I'm just saying.
00:12:46Fuck that.
00:12:46That was your main missile to look after.
00:12:48That was Air Force One you let fly the fuck off.
00:12:51How the fuck...
00:12:54I've been confused the whole goddamn election.
00:12:57When it come to Barack white people, I know it's not fair, but y'all need to just give us
00:13:01a minute just to be proud for a goddamn second.
00:13:04Can we just be proud?
00:13:06Shit.
00:13:07This is history.
00:13:10You selfish motherfuckers.
00:13:13White people ain't y'all had all the goddamn presidents?
00:13:15Go to the library and get the president book.
00:13:17White, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white.
00:13:21Give me the vice presidents.
00:13:22White, white, white, white, white, white.
00:13:24Niggas ain't never even had a chance.
00:13:25Some niggas still don't believe it.
00:13:27Nigga, I think I saw Tiger Woods running for president on Sports Center, nigga.
00:13:31He had on his green jacket and everything.
00:13:33That nigga's a winner.
00:13:34He really is.
00:13:37I don't know.
00:13:38White people, I don't think you should vote for somebody just because of their race.
00:13:41But I will say if you was ever gonna vote for a nigga, if you was ever gonna vote for
00:13:45a nigga,
00:13:46this is the nigga to vote for right here.
00:13:49This is the one.
00:13:50Yes.
00:13:52Absolutely.
00:13:54Cause he is nigga-like.
00:13:57This nigga been running for two years.
00:13:59He ain't had no baby mama come out the woodwork.
00:14:01This nigga don't owe nobody $200 for nothing.
00:14:04He ain't never had a pit bull puppy.
00:14:06Don't have an earring.
00:14:08Never had a tattoo.
00:14:09Where the fuck did you get this nigga from?
00:14:11A cave?
00:14:12In Salt Lake City?
00:14:13Some goddamn where?
00:14:14This nigga's like a black superhero.
00:14:16This nigga's amazing.
00:14:17I believe he can fly.
00:14:22Thank God for Michelle Obama.
00:14:24That's a real nigga.
00:14:25Barack may be a clone, but Michelle Obama is a thoroughbred nigga.
00:14:30You can look right on TV and tell that's a real nigga.
00:14:33You know, if you walk up on her in person, she smell like motions, hair conditioner, and cocoa butter.
00:14:38That's a real nigga right there.
00:14:45Somebody go to Jeremiah Wright's church and tell him to shut the fuck up while we trying to make some
00:14:50goddamn progress.
00:14:53Niggas were so embarrassed.
00:14:54Oh nigga, don't fuck it up yet.
00:14:57Goddamn.
00:14:58I've been confused the whole fucking election.
00:15:00I'm just glad Huckabee had to drop out the goddamn race.
00:15:03Because I was finna leave the goddamn country if we had to have a president named motherfucking Huckabee.
00:15:10That's where we should draw the goddamn line.
00:15:12We can't go from a bush to a motherfucking Huckabee all in the same goddamn junk.
00:15:17Have all the other countries fucking with us at the United Nations and shit.
00:15:20You are with Huckabee, yes?
00:15:23You are followers of Huckabee, yes?
00:15:26How the fuck you gonna be president?
00:15:28Your name sound like bullshit weed.
00:15:31Nigga don't even come over here with that big ass bag of Huckabee, nigga.
00:15:34Ain't nobody interested in that shit.
00:15:36Like smoking a cactus.
00:15:39Some of you niggas can't even laugh because you got a big ass bag of Huckabee in your pocket right
00:15:43now.
00:15:48McCain can't be president because he a hundred and fucking eleven.
00:15:53I'm sorry.
00:15:54I know it ain't fair, but goddamn it.
00:15:56You can't be the president during the time of change and you might have a diaper that's time to change.
00:16:01That's just...
00:16:02That shit don't even go together.
00:16:04Fuck that.
00:16:05At a hundred and eleven, you got too many fucked up memories of niggas, first of all.
00:16:10You been fucked around and had a flashback at a hundred and eleven.
00:16:13You...
00:16:13What is your last name?
00:16:14I think I used to own your grandfather.
00:16:16What is your last name?
00:16:18Did you hear what that motherfucker said in the Congolese race?
00:16:25KKB president?
00:16:26Fuck that.
00:16:26His memory can't be good at a hundred and eleven.
00:16:29I got an uncle that's sixty-seven.
00:16:31We don't let that nigga drive after seven o'clock p.m.
00:16:34Cuz he'll forget he driving everybody and jump out to go pee and leave the car running right down the
00:16:38street and shit.
00:16:40McCain, a hundred and eleven.
00:16:41He'd be done lost the military or some shit.
00:16:43It's time for war.
00:16:44He'd just wake up.
00:16:48Where's the army?
00:16:51Everybody waiting on the army in Baghdad.
00:16:52He done sent everybody to Southeast Barry Farms for no goddamn reason.
00:17:03Too much motherfucking shit going on is my motherfucking point.
00:17:06It's too much fucking shit going on.
00:17:08That's why you gonna have to make a dedication to yourself that you gonna treat your star player a little
00:17:13bit nicer in 2008.
00:17:15Some of us go through our whole life trying to please other motherfuckers and you can't please nobody.
00:17:20People in your family mad.
00:17:22People at your job mad.
00:17:23People in your car mad.
00:17:24Everybody.
00:17:25Fuck that.
00:17:26How the fuck are you doing nigga?
00:17:28How are you doing?
00:17:29You might want to focus on that a little bit motherfucking more in 2008.
00:17:34Especially if you a real motherfucker.
00:17:36Cuz these motherfuckers hate real motherfuckers.
00:17:38If you a real motherfucker understand they hate every goddamn thing about you.
00:17:44These motherfuckers hate real motherfuckers.
00:17:46I'm gonna give you a prime fucking example.
00:17:48They supposed to be putting medicine in America to help motherfuckers feel better and help you live better.
00:17:53But these motherfuckers don't give a fuck about the medicine.
00:17:56They out making they motherfucking money.
00:17:57They give you one medication supposed to fix some shit and the side effect fuck up your leg and shit.
00:18:03Then they give you another one to fix that and they fuck up your arm and now you on two
00:18:07medications looking like a flamingo in front of your motherfucking children and shit.
00:18:11These motherfuckers don't give a fuck.
00:18:13Just one month they say this is the best medicine ever.
00:18:17It'll cure everything.
00:18:19And then three months later you hear this quiet ass commercial.
00:18:22Have you or one of your loved ones been killed from using our medicine?
00:18:27Dial 1-800-R-BAD.
00:18:29That's 1-800-R-BAD.
00:18:32These motherfuckers don't give a fuck.
00:18:34Weed is still illegal and all of that shit is still fucked up.
00:18:38Their medication either don't work or it worked too fucking good.
00:18:41And I wasn't familiar with working too good and I had to find out the hard way.
00:18:46I got a son that's seven.
00:18:47His name Malik.
00:18:48This nigga run every goddamn day.
00:18:50That's what the fuck he do.
00:18:51You ain't gotta chase him.
00:18:53You ain't gotta train him.
00:18:54You ain't gotta put shorts on him.
00:18:56This nigga is ready every morning.
00:18:57Soon as his foot touched the goddamn ground out the bed.
00:19:01Shoo!
00:19:02That nigga's gone for the rest of the goddamn day.
00:19:04Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!
00:19:06You either see him like this or like that.
00:19:09That's your only two options.
00:19:10Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!
00:19:12And he be happy as shit.
00:19:14Now, the nurse at the school say...
00:19:20She say, it's not healthy.
00:19:23I said, you don't understand.
00:19:24The nigga's happy.
00:19:26She said, uh, no, no.
00:19:28You don't understand whether he's happy or not.
00:19:31It's not healthy.
00:19:33I said, now, I don't know what the fuck you want me to do.
00:19:36The nigga, I can't put the nigga in trouble for being happy.
00:19:39That's kinda...
00:19:41Nigga, stop being happy and get in here and be miserable.
00:19:44I can't fuckin' do it.
00:19:45So I said, what do you recommend?
00:19:47So she recommended Ritalin.
00:19:50Now, she told me the shit was gonna even him out.
00:19:55Now, either I don't know what the fuck even means,
00:19:59or Ritalin got crack cocaine in it, one of the two, as a goddamn fact.
00:20:04Cause this shit is no bullshit.
00:20:06I wasn't ready.
00:20:07He wasn't ready.
00:20:08This shit caught both of us off guard.
00:20:10I gave the nigga the shit in the kitchen.
00:20:12He was on the way to his room.
00:20:14That nigga never even made it out the hallway.
00:20:17That shit caught that nigga in mid-stride.
00:20:20He was just...
00:20:32Now, for the first two hours, I was happy as shit.
00:20:36I'm gettin' shit done.
00:20:38I'm like, this is wonderful.
00:20:40But after three hours...
00:20:47After three hours, you got to come check on the nigga now.
00:20:50After three hours, you...
00:21:03Nigga, what you doin'?
00:21:05My kid's smartass.
00:21:07I'm bein' good like you want it, daddy.
00:21:10Okay, touche, my nigga, touche, touche.
00:21:14This is what fucked me up.
00:21:15I was like, you been sittin' there for three hours.
00:21:17What are you thinkin' about?
00:21:19That nigga said, running?
00:21:31Well, go on and run, then, little nigga.
00:21:33Go on and run.
00:21:34Cause you just gonna have to let real shit be real shit.
00:21:37Cause these motherfuckers are attacking real shit
00:21:40at every motherfuckin' angle.
00:21:42They had a story on CNN three weeks ago
00:21:45that said the USDA has approved the sale
00:21:49of cloned meat to the American public.
00:21:54What?
00:21:56See, I was high when I originally saw the story.
00:22:00So I waited all the way till I came down
00:22:02to re-look at the story.
00:22:04And it still fuckin' said the USDA has approved the sale
00:22:09of cloned meat to the American public.
00:22:12Ain't that about it?
00:22:13God, you raggedy motherfuckers would feed...
00:22:17You gon' feed...
00:22:18We saw the movie Multiplicity.
00:22:20We know what the fuck clone mean, motherfucker.
00:22:22It mean retarded.
00:22:24You gon' feed us the retarded ass cloned cow meat now?
00:22:28And I thought niggas was gon' tear up the streets
00:22:30and riot and shit.
00:22:31And nothing fuckin' happened.
00:22:33You, these motherfuckers, you gon' feed America the cloned...
00:22:36Ain't it motherfuckers starving in other countries
00:22:38that we coulda gained a goddamn retarded cloned meat to first?
00:22:41To see if that was gon' work out?
00:22:44They ain't got shit to eat.
00:22:45They don't give a fuck.
00:22:46You can't feed it to us first, you motherfuckers.
00:22:49And some of you same niggas
00:22:50gon' be eatin' the shit out that goddamn cloned meat
00:22:53and talkin' shit about it.
00:22:54Nigga, fuck that, nigga.
00:22:55The cloned meat is delicious, nigga.
00:22:57They put the garlic in the cow as a baby.
00:23:00Nigga, you ain't even gotta season it.
00:23:01It just already grow up garlic and delicious, niggas.
00:23:07They don't give a fuck about us.
00:23:09You know the cloned meat gon' be cheap as shit, nigga.
00:23:11Fuck that, I went to McDonald's,
00:23:12got the mint-cloned combo for 19 cent, nigga.
00:23:15Had 11 big-ass Big Macs in it.
00:23:17It was wonderful.
00:23:19That's all right.
00:23:21That's all right, go ahead.
00:23:22Go ahead.
00:23:23No, go ahead.
00:23:24Feed your baby the retarded-ass cloned cow meat
00:23:27and see what the fuck happened.
00:23:28You gon' be wonderin' why your daughter's four years old,
00:23:31weighs 611 pounds,
00:23:33got a little horn comin' out her motherfuckin' braids,
00:23:35and the bitch can't do her alphabet correctly.
00:23:37Just A, B, C, D,
00:23:39get merrrr.
00:23:41Cause you fed that bitch the retarded-ass cow meat.
00:23:45These motherfuckers gon' give a fuck.
00:23:47That's why you gon' have to be in tune
00:23:49with your star fuckin' player.
00:23:52These motherfuckers put so much bullshit on the news.
00:23:54If you watch the news, you would think steroids
00:23:57is the drug problem in America.
00:23:59I've been all across this great country
00:24:02buyin' drugs and shit.
00:24:03I have never...
00:24:06I have never ran into a steroid salesman.
00:24:09Have one of you niggas ever ran into one and just...
00:24:11Oh, you know I got that fire in them roids, nigga.
00:24:13I got that fire in them roids.
00:24:15Nigga, if you got hemorrhoids,
00:24:16you shouldn't be sellin' weed right now to you.
00:24:20The fuck they fuck up steroids?
00:24:22Steroids are supposed to be the perfect goddamn drug.
00:24:24Now they got Roger Clemens all on TV,
00:24:27talkin' bout he ain't on steroids.
00:24:29He can say he ain't on steroids,
00:24:30but what he can't do
00:24:31is not look big as fuck on TV
00:24:33while he sayin' it.
00:24:35That motherfucker's huge.
00:24:36Senator, I was never on steroids.
00:24:39Senator, I was never on steroids.
00:24:42I just got bigger and stronger the older I got.
00:24:46What you get for talkin' so goddamn much.
00:24:49That's why Barry Bonds is still a goddamn G.
00:24:51Cause Barry ain't say shit.
00:24:53They couldn't stand that motherfucker.
00:24:55Every time they ask him another question,
00:24:56he just hit another home run.
00:24:58They was mad as shit.
00:24:59Barry, are you on steroids?
00:25:10No comment.
00:25:13They was mad as shit at that motherfucker.
00:25:15I don't know how they fucked up steroids.
00:25:17Steroids supposed to be the perfect goddamn drug.
00:25:20Do you know how excited a nigga my size was
00:25:22to hear about a human growth hormone nigga?
00:25:25I thought Jesus had answered this prayer individually.
00:25:27I was glued to the TV.
00:25:29Thank you, Jesus, for finally coming through.
00:25:31I appreciate that.
00:25:33I knew you wasn't gonna let me look like a seventh grader
00:25:35the rest of my life.
00:25:36I really did know.
00:25:41Fuck what y'all talkin' about.
00:25:43I was gonna be the first nigga on steroids.
00:25:45I'm gonna have to be the biggest nigga in comedy
00:25:46one way or the goddamn other.
00:25:48At five foot five, twelve hundred and forty-six pounds
00:25:52of comedy.
00:25:53And I'm coming out in a fur coat and biker shorts
00:25:55so you niggas can't act like I ain't big as shit.
00:26:01I was all motherfuckin' excited about steroids.
00:26:03I was like, well, what's the side effect?
00:26:04They was like, uh, it make your dick little.
00:26:12Make your dick little?
00:26:14Ain't no motherfuckin' side effect.
00:26:16That's from Satan.
00:26:17What the fuck are you talking about?
00:26:19A side effect.
00:26:20It make you big?
00:26:21It make your dick little?
00:26:23Ain't that?
00:26:26I was trying to get the muscles to get some more pussy.
00:26:29I wasn't trying to trick a bitch.
00:26:30That's just wrong.
00:26:31Come on in there, bitch.
00:26:32I'm huge.
00:26:33You see how I'm huge?
00:26:34Come on in.
00:26:35Nothing.
00:26:36I apologize.
00:26:36I apologize.
00:26:37But fuck me anyway.
00:26:39But feel my arms.
00:26:39You feel how big my arms are, don't you?
00:26:41Feel that?
00:26:47Motherfuckers fucked up everything.
00:26:48That's why I'm saying if you're a real motherfucker,
00:26:50you just gonna have to hold on to the fact you're a real motherfucker
00:26:53because it's getting ready to change.
00:26:54It ain't just about color no more.
00:26:56They hate all real motherfuckers.
00:26:58I'm gonna give you a prime example.
00:26:59There's a white boy that ran track for a motherfuckin' living.
00:27:03He ran track for a motherfuckin' living,
00:27:05and he lost both his motherfuckin' legs.
00:27:08Now, I hate losers and quitters,
00:27:10but I feel like if you run for a motherfuckin' living
00:27:13and you lose both of your motherfuckin' legs,
00:27:15you should be allowed to sit this motherfucker out.
00:27:18You have done everything there was for you to do.
00:27:21And this motherfucker on some gangster shit
00:27:24decide not only is he gonna walk again,
00:27:26he decide he gonna fuckin' race again.
00:27:29Now, you got to be in tune with your fuckin' star player
00:27:32to pull this shit off,
00:27:33cause they made him some aluminum racing legs and shit
00:27:36look like bent back paper clips and shit.
00:27:41Just...
00:27:44Don't try to act like somethin' wrong with me.
00:27:45Some of you motherfuckers saw the story.
00:27:47You know what the fuck I'm talkin' about.
00:27:48It look like bent back paper clips,
00:27:50like two baby boomerangs and shit.
00:27:52That's what he had to run on.
00:27:54That motherfucker had to be in tune with his star fuckin' player,
00:27:57cause sometimes motherfuckers ain't gonna have your back like you think you should.
00:28:01And this motherfucker now gotta come in on his aluminum racing legs
00:28:05and race again.
00:28:06And he gotta try to come in and be all calm and smooth
00:28:09and not draw too much attention to himself.
00:28:13Just...
00:28:13Tink, Tink, Tink, Tink, Tink, Tink, Tink, Tink, Tink, Tink, Tink, Tink, Tink, Tink, Tink...
00:28:29Motherfuckers fuckin' with him and shit.
00:28:31Yeah, you gotta go over there and sign up first before you race.
00:28:34Okay, motherfucker.
00:28:35T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T
00:28:41Yeah, they said I gotta sign up first.
00:28:44It's no sign up at all.
00:28:50T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T
00:28:53He all at the starting line. You know motherfuckers fucking with him.
00:28:56Doing all sorts of unnecessary exercises with they legs and shit.
00:29:00Just on your mark!
00:29:07T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T!
00:29:11And the craziest fucking thing happened.
00:29:13This motherfucker not only started running,
00:29:15this motherfucker started winning,
00:29:17and you know a hater can't stand a goddamn winner,
00:29:20and the last place you wanna be
00:29:22in a motherfucking foot race
00:29:24is behind the motherfucker
00:29:26with no goddamn foots.
00:29:28That's the last the last-
00:29:29I think that motherfucker was mad as shit.
00:29:31.
00:29:37my legs tired ain't your legs tired his legs ain't tired he just
00:29:42just paper clips and sparks everywhere
00:29:51but you gonna have to be in tune with your star fucking player because these haters
00:29:56do not play fair these hating ass motherfuckers at the olympic committee let this motherfucker
00:30:01race and then waited till he won and then disqualified him and said and i quote he had an unfair
00:30:09advantage
00:30:13are you talking about the motherfucker running with no goddamn legs that's who the
00:30:17you talking about poor little tink tink think about that when you think you having a bad goddamn day
00:30:25poor little tink tink ain't that a bitch that's why you gonna have to be in tune with your star
00:30:31fucking player these motherfuckers want you to be miserable they want you to be sad they want you
00:30:36to feel like they feel you can't feel like the fuck they feel because you ain't like them you're gonna
00:30:41have to get every fucking laugh you can possibly get what they talk about they want you to be sad
00:30:47because they said fuck that you gotta be happy if a motherfucker fall in front of you in 2000
00:30:53goddamn eight and you are not a doctor on duty across the street from the hospital it is your
00:30:59obligation to get seven laughs off that motherfucker before he get off the ground
00:31:07call another nigga so he can get four five in you're gonna have to because they want you to be
00:31:11miserable i laugh at shit i'm not even supposed to laugh at i'll laugh first and apologize after like
00:31:18when they was talking about the polygamy ranch and they had them all on tv before they showed
00:31:24them and shit when they were just showing the ranch and they had told us all the kind of
00:31:28fucked up shit that was going on in there i'm watching tv like just show us what these motherfucking
00:31:33monsters look like just show us what these hateful motherfucking creatures look like and then they
00:31:40opened the doors and these motherfuckers came out like little house on the goddamn prairie and
00:31:45shit just dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun the bitch came out with a dress made out
00:31:52of
00:31:52construction paper and leaves and shit i laughed the whole goddamn time i had them poor women in there
00:31:58they don't know nothing about nothing they ain't never seen sex in the city the sopranos nothing
00:32:03they ain't never seen nothing they don't know what to say in the interview just we want our kids
00:32:10oh i laughed from a good healthy place to see white people back in colonial days again on tv
00:32:16because you know if that had been niggas it'd have been some different shit if they'd have found 400
00:32:20nigger kids in a camp they'd have burned that down and came in with 800 swat teams but because they
00:32:26was white they came and got them in tour buses and shit and took them all i laughed all the
00:32:36goddamn time
00:32:37i don't give a fuck if it's right or not i laughed first like when that motherfuckers got attacked by
00:32:42that goddamn tiger in the goddamn zoo in san francisco and shit and they had it all on cnn like
00:32:49it was a
00:32:50national tragedy and shit just oh it's so sad well i didn't see nothing sad at all i laughed all
00:33:01goddamn
00:33:02coverage these wasn't kids these was grown motherfuckers i feel like if you a grown
00:33:07motherfucker and you get killed and you get killed by a tiger and you get killed by a tiger in
00:33:14a zoo
00:33:14and you get killed by a tiger in a zoo in san francisco i think god's will has been done
00:33:20for
00:33:20your life i think that's exactly what was supposed to happen and i think he wanted me to laugh about
00:33:26it
00:33:26a whole lot that's what i think fuck that i'm a parent i got kids i feel like if you
00:33:31raise a child
00:33:31at any age that's dumb enough to climb into a tiger's cage you should tell them the rest of the
00:33:37goddamn
00:33:38story then the tiger eats your asshole out baby that's the end that's what the fuck's supposed to
00:33:44happen and these motherfuckers zookeepers got on tv and started talking about the tigers start snitching
00:33:52on the tigers like they was disappointed in the tigers and shit like we can't believe they would
00:33:58even do something like that they've never done anything like that before and if they're a danger
00:34:02to the community then we'll have to get rid of them you gonna get rid of the tiger you gonna
00:34:06get rid
00:34:07of the only real motherfucker in the whole goddamn equation you gonna get rid of the tiger first of all
00:34:12white people understand this if you cannot understand what it's like to be a tiger in a zoo
00:34:20i don't know how you ever gonna understand what it's like to be a nigger in america if you can't
00:34:24understand what it's like to be a tiger in a zoo look at white people what niggas are tigers now
00:34:33they're great follow along white people all i'm saying is you got to look at this
00:34:38shit from the tiger's motherfucking viewpoint first of all this ain't no fake ass got it at the mall
00:34:43tiger this a real goddamn tiger like the kind to be on national geographic every time you turn it on
00:34:48on the back of a wildebeest ass and shit
00:34:56the wildebeest don't even be dead i'm not every dad jack i don't give a fuck bitch i'm hungry now
00:35:04real fucking tiger and every day they got this real fucking tiger in a fake ass habitat
00:35:11real fucking tiger fake ass habitat and the tiger not supposed to know as a real tiger that this is
00:35:19a speaker system
00:35:33and every fucking day the tiger be fucked up because he'd be conflicted everything in the tiger spirit
00:35:39they're telling him nigga you a motherfucking monster nigga you a beast you run the jungle
00:35:43nigga you supposed to roar and shit supposed to happen and every fucking day the tiger come out
00:35:49and tried and the shit don't work and some of us know how the fuck that feel to be trying
00:35:53shit and trying shit trying shit and trying shit don't work trying shit and trying shit won't work
00:35:59trying shit try switch it up trying shit trying shit won't work that's how the fuck the tiger feel
00:36:04every goddamn day he come out with the roar and shit wish me luck wish me luck
00:36:22you see that bitch take a camera phone picture of me right in the middle of my goddamn roar
00:36:27you see how they disrespect the tiger
00:36:32these four tigers don't know what the fuck to do it be four five real tigers in a fake ass
00:36:37habitat
00:36:38what the fuck you think them tigers talk about every goddamn day nothing but what the
00:36:42fuck they would do if a motherfucker was to ever ever ever climb their goddamn foot over the goddamn gate
00:36:51that's all the fuck they talk about just i wish a motherfucker would climb in this goddamn cave
00:36:58this cage right here nigga this cage right here
00:37:02it's your motherfucking wood
00:37:08and the tiger be fucked up because the tiger feel like he's supposed to be eating elephants
00:37:13and giraffes and shit and every day they come feeding meat out of a bucket and shit
00:37:18and all while he eating that bullshit what he be looking at
00:37:24your good fresh meat ass walking around the zoo with the video camera and shit
00:37:33just look at that delicious ass fat bitch right there i eat the shit how that delicious ass fat
00:37:38bitch right there fuck that it's a baby fat right on her motherfucking ass you know that's my favorite
00:37:42part i love baby fat and the tiger be fucked up because you don't know what to feel and after
00:37:47a while
00:37:47he get depressed and down and start acting like us you know how we get depressed and start
00:37:52doubting shit we shouldn't even doubt i bet the tigers had got as low as they could possibly get just
00:37:58are you sure i'm a tiger
00:38:03i don't feel very much like a tiger maybe i'm just a vicious ass koala bear did you ever investigate
00:38:10that but as a real motherfucker you can't never afford to give up because all real motherfuckers is
00:38:17only waiting on one opportunity and that's the opportunity to show a motherfucker they ain't
00:38:22bullshitting and i bet them tigers had got as low as they could possibly get and then
00:38:27something wonderful happened in the tiger world they did
00:38:35nigga this is not a drill get ready nigga they think we bullshitting
00:38:57that's what the fuck's supposed to happen what the fuck's supposed to happen god damn that tiger
00:39:04that's a strong ass wildebeest i almost broke both of my arms that would have fucked up all the rest
00:39:09of the show i had to do it like this poor little tank tank
00:39:19my motherfucking point is we're going through some new motherfucking shit in the world we're going
00:39:24through some new fucking shit and it's going to be important that you have your star player in line
00:39:28then you're going to have to make sure you got your team set up and some of us been forgetting
00:39:32to set
00:39:33up our motherfucking team you're not going to be able to go past 2008 without your motherfucking team you're
00:39:38going to need three or four motherfuckers that you know for a fact will jump in and block
00:39:42bullshit off your motherfucking ass in a time of crisis you're going to need that shit you're
00:39:47going to need four five motherfuckers will just jump in and block bullshit off of your motherfucking
00:39:55ass in a time of crisis you're going to need that the team is going to be very very important
00:40:00in this
00:40:01next motherfucking era we finna go into you're going to need a team if you don't believe me ask
00:40:06michael vick's motherfucking ass how much you need a team that is alone alone alone everybody told on
00:40:12that nigga everybody family friends co-workers strangers his motherfuckers in line excited to tell
00:40:34you're going to need a team you're going to need a team you're going to need a team that's why
00:40:37you
00:40:37got to make sure your team is together because these motherfuckers are sniff on you they'll switch on you
00:40:41like i can't even fucking do it quick enough they'll snitch these motherfuckers are switching up on you
00:40:48just like fucking that that's right there that was the one if i hadn't broke my arm early i could
00:40:53have done it correctly but just like that that's how quick them motherfuckers to turn on you you
00:40:58don't believe me ask britney's motherfucking spears how quickly them motherfuckers will turn on you
00:41:03poor britney poor britney how sad how hilariously sad what happened if you ain't got your motherfucking
00:41:11team right they switched on her so motherfucking quick they was just taking sweet pictures of britney
00:41:16just how you doing britney looking good britney you going shopping britney now they're taking
00:41:22gangster pictures just get in the car bitch show us your pussy bitch throw your wig in the air
00:41:29baby like you just don't care they don't give a fuck but you gotta watch the goddamn story kevin
00:41:35federline is their motherfucking american dream i hope you was watching the goddamn story you can hate the
00:41:41player but you can't hate the goddamn game and that goddamn kevin federline followed the pimp manual
00:41:46step by goddamn step line by motherfucking line that motherfucker was a joy to watch it was like he was
00:41:54on sports center just dun dun dun dun dun fucking federline this motherfucker is not bullshitting his
00:42:00name gonna be an adjective in 2009 away a warning a woman bitch don't fuck around and get federline
00:42:06fucking with me i'll tell you i am not one to play with that motherfucker kevin federline is the american
00:42:12goddamn dream he is proof that you can take nothing and turn it into something if you don't believe me
00:42:20on the count of three name your favorite kevin federline moment one two three nothing turned it into
00:42:27something and britney was the shit she wasn't no regular goddamn singer she was performing in front of
00:42:32arenas and shit i got nigger kids my kids was listening to her shit in the kitchen trying to make
00:42:37you cool and shit oops i did it again okay just say you sorry go to your room i don't
00:42:44need you to
00:42:44perform and shit and all the time while britney was out there performing kevin federline's position was
00:42:51way back here behind the goddamn dj and shit he used to have to dance from back here
00:43:02that motherfucker got in and handled his goddamn business and i was trying to tell all women on my
00:43:07staff you better fucking watch this shit so you can see what the fucker happened and they didn't want
00:43:11to fucking believe me just what what he gonna do he gonna get with her and take her money uh
00:43:17no
00:43:17bitch it looked like he gonna make his own motherfucking money there go the baby's check
00:43:21and checkmate right on schedule this motherfucker is not missing a beat well but what he gonna do he
00:43:28gonna break up with her so he can get the money uh no it looked like he gonna make her
00:43:33break up with
00:43:34her motherfucking self and the next time you saw her she was in the back of an ambulance looking happy
00:43:39and
00:43:39mad at the same time that's why you gotta make sure you got your fucking team together these
00:43:50motherfuckers ain't playing fair you gonna need your team together you don't believe me ask eddie murphy
00:43:55that motherfucking bitch from the spice girls came from london and got that motherfucker in 3.2
00:44:00minutes or some shit soon as she got off the plane she was on her shit yeah we're pregnant eddie
00:44:06bye
00:44:06boy yeah that bitch is the shit you gonna have to make sure your motherfucking team is right
00:44:13especially us fellas it start with us we supposed to be the motherfucking team captains we supposed to
00:44:18be the coach of our motherfucking team and some of us have forgotten how important the team gonna be
00:44:23in 2008 some of you niggas got a franchise player on your motherfucking team i'm talking about a thoroughbred
00:44:29woman one that live and die by the goddamn team you got a franchise player and you done let her
00:44:34sit on the
00:44:35bench she done forgot what team she even on you gotta understand some of you niggas ain't going to
00:44:40the playoffs some of you niggas it's three and 22 in the relationship right now you gonna have to work
00:44:46on it work on your franchise player some of y'all got a wonderful franchise player but you so busy
00:44:52looking out at the free agency and who getting traded and who coming up on the draft you done forgot
00:44:59about
00:44:59your franchise player you got to fucking try you ain't gotta spend no money you ain't gotta wait for a
00:45:04holiday you gotta fucking try just wait for the right moments wait for her to be laying across
00:45:09the bed on her stomach unsuspecting that's a great time for a pep talk for some enthusiasm and
00:45:16shit if you just sneak up on her in the right moment
00:45:26you do remember who's motherfucking team you on don't you huh do you remember who's motherfucking
00:45:30team you on two four six eight who do we appreciate come on now just gonna have to do it
00:45:36fellas we gonna
00:45:37have to try some of you niggas won't even try to keep your franchise player motivated
00:45:42you won't even fucking try some of you niggas won't even jack off you done got so motherfucking
00:45:47grown you too grown to jack off you don't even wanna practice you won't practice at all i don't
00:45:53understand how you gonna keep playing the game if you refuse to goddamn practice you just gonna
00:45:58run in the game cold you ain't gonna warm up or nothing come on tell them don't you have to
00:46:03warm up
00:46:07you gotta fucking warm up this is bullshit you got some of you fellas come on now god damn it
00:46:12we
00:46:12got to try you want women to do all kind of shit for us we wanted to wear some new
00:46:16lingerie put on
00:46:17new outfit cut her hair different bring another girl in the relationship i did that for five niggas
00:46:24that's what i said that's the one i had picked remember i picked that one i'm just saying we got
00:46:29to do something niggas we can't just keep presenting the same dick night after night just
00:46:38no we gotta fucking try some of you niggas won't even fucking try you're not gonna jack off and
00:46:44because you won't jack off niggas some of you grown motherfuckers have been had the same hand and your
00:46:49same dick your whole motherfucking life and you don't know your own motherfucking stroke number you don't
00:47:01know you don't know your own motherfucking cum number you don't know your own fuck number fuck a
00:47:06sleep number nigga you don't know your own goddamn fuck number you don't know how many times you can
00:47:10do this before something happens you have no idea every time you fuck her you playing russian roulette you
00:47:16don't know she don't know it's a surprise to both of you just bang bang i'm sorry i'm sorry i
00:47:21didn't even
00:47:22see that coming i didn't even i would have warned you it caught me off guard to be honest with
00:47:26you i
00:47:26didn't even you gonna have to find out your own fuck number nigga it'll free you up for the rest
00:47:31of
00:47:31your goddamn relationship if you could just find out what your fuck number is because if you find out
00:47:36it's 174 now you have taken the pressure off yourself because now you ain't gotta try to get to 175
00:47:43you know that's unnecessary because you can always stop and reset at 175 now so now you free you just
00:47:50172
00:47:51173 174 reset thank you thank you but you want to know your own fuck number at least even if
00:48:01your
00:48:01number is small even if your number is 12 nigga even if your number is 12 at least you should
00:48:09know what
00:48:10it is it ain't the end of the world because your number is 12 you can still have fun with
00:48:1412 you can
00:48:15do slow six fast six you just one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve reset
00:48:27now switch it up just one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve
00:48:32gotta fucking try some niggas gonna try something gonna be laying across the bed five
00:48:42five five five dollar five dollar foot long you gotta fucking try is my fucking point some of you
00:48:50niggas been fucking since you was 15 and you don't have your own signature move yet
00:49:01you've been fucking since you was a teenager you ain't got your own
00:49:04fucking move you still doing the same original fucking the same og teenager fucking you don't
00:49:11have nothing you niggas don't even have a dismount yet nigga a dismount a dismount is easy
00:49:17at least you could get a dismount work on your signature move for 2008 give your woman something
00:49:29special everybody wants something special every now and again you don't want to go to a basketball
00:49:34game and just see motherfuckers doing layups all the goddamn time that's why the dummy nba is
00:49:40struggling like they are you want to see a nigga do some special shit every once in a while
00:49:47that's what she won't do they can work on you a signature move i got one
00:49:51called monkey fuck i don't know i don't know if it worked but i do know if i give it
00:49:57to you i'm giving
00:49:58her all she's got captain because once i'm in monkey fuck everything is moving nigga i'm everywhere
00:50:03trying everything
00:50:10you gotta fucking try is my point there's too much motherfucker
00:50:16going on in the motherfucking world we got big time fucking issues happening in the goddamn world
00:50:21right the fuck now we still got racism in america right the fuck now 40 years after martin
00:50:28luther king's assassination we still got racism in america right the fuck now we're gonna have to
00:50:34deal with it we're gonna have to deal with it white people first of all understand this if you don't
00:50:39take nothing else from the nigger meeting just
00:50:44understand this white people y'all brought us over here and y'all ain't got no motherfucking receipt so y
00:50:52'all are
00:50:53not gonna be able to return niggers you need to understand that from the very beginning niggers
00:50:58are here to stay we got to get over certain shit i can honestly say i'm a nigger and i
00:51:04love niggers but
00:51:04i don't want to live in a country with just niggers
00:51:13fuck y'all i don't i i have too many customer service needs and requirements that i have become
00:51:19accustomed to fuck that y'all know what the fuck i'm talking about you don't try to return something
00:51:24to a black woman at a store and she act like she bought you that shit herself personally and
00:51:28shit just embarrassing you in the store just well what the fuck is wrong with it
00:51:37never mind bitch i don't know why i gotta have two toasters because you mad and shit this is ridiculous
00:51:44we all need each other america is strong because of the motherfuckers that's in it and white people
00:51:49you do not want to be in this motherfucking country without niggers and hispanics you do not want to be
00:51:54in
00:51:54this country by your goddamn self especially if the terrorists come y'all gonna be trying to break
00:52:00in the hood if the goddamn terrorists come yeah let us in you guys have got all the illegal weapons
00:52:07in there let us in fine we'll clean up everybody's credit freecreditreport.com
00:52:18we got to get over certain shit if you find a white person that don't like a
00:52:23nigga it catch you off guard like you don't like niggas what niggas is the shit you didn't know
00:52:31niggas was the shit niggas is the shit why you think y'all came and got us in the first
00:52:36fucking place y'all had that big ass boat y'all could have got any goddamn body i bet y
00:52:40'all was
00:52:40excited as shit the first time y'all saw niggas
00:52:46what are those those are cool as shit is that their women what's that they're carrying on their backs
00:52:57that's their ass let's go let's go
00:53:03what the fuck you don't like niggas niggas is an american success story
00:53:11they're gonna talk me out of my love for niggas niggas is the shit niggas went from being treated
00:53:16like dogs till now that's why i keep saying the word niggas because i want them to remember what
00:53:21the fuck it came from i don't give a fuck i'm a nigga i trace my roots they end up
00:53:26in alabama some
00:53:27goddamn well i'm proud of niggas niggas don't never quit niggas always come through the
00:53:33motherfucking trouble and looking better at the same time they can't make me feel bad about niggas
00:53:38i remember niggas it just looked like niggas was just in the cotton field picking cotton them
00:53:43niggas wasn't just in the field picking cotton them niggas was working on skills and shit that was
00:53:49gonna show up generation after generation later it just looked like they was picking cotton they was
00:54:07just working on
00:54:07cotton picking niggas them cotton picking niggas we gotta get over certain
00:54:12shit like when the racists were putting them nooses on black university professors doors and
00:54:18shit and hanging the nooses off of trees and shit and i got fucking mad and put a noose on
00:54:22my neck and
00:54:23walk down the red carpet of the hip-hop awards and then them motherfuckers had me on cnn the next
00:54:28week like i was the racial problem in america and they were so glad to catch me like what the
00:54:33fuck do you why do you think racism is so funny kat williams that's not what the fuck i was
00:54:39trying to
00:54:39say i was trying to say niggas ain't scared of rope
00:54:49that wasn't the fucking point niggas ain't scared of rope and knots and shit it wasn't that it's the
00:54:55fucking hanging we had a problem with so if you not gonna hang a motherfucker then what the
00:55:00fuck is you putting nooses around trying to scare some goddamn body for i keep saying you don't see
00:55:05gangbangers putting bullets on the curb to scare a motherfucker just wait till these niggas see
00:55:12this shit they're gonna be scared i put two hollow points down there them niggas gonna be scared and
00:55:19just saying we got to get over certain shit that racism is still fucking out there and we gonna have
00:55:28to deal with it as a motherfucking country i didn't know it was even out there like that i had
00:55:32to
00:55:33fuck around and get my motherfucking feelings hurt i did the flavor flave comedy central roast and
00:55:38shit and i was so excited thank you sir uh because i was excited because it was gonna be me
00:55:44and flave
00:55:45and some more and iced tea and snoop and i'm like okay this is a wonderful thing for niggas and
00:55:50sometimes
00:55:50shit just catch you off guard i showed up four days early like i just want to get the script
00:55:55so i can get my part together so i can do my job and they was like uh it's no
00:56:00script uh you gonna write
00:56:02yours and then we got writers that's gonna write for everybody else
00:56:10now at this point my spider sense begins to tingle softly like
00:56:15nigga you've been in a setup before and it feels just like this coincidentally so i'm worried i keep
00:56:21asking about the script they keep telling me it's no script they tell me wait for the day before the
00:56:25show to the dress rehearsal so we get to the dress rehearsal and it's just us niggas none of the
00:56:31white
00:56:31comics is there i'm like well what about them don't they uh have to be here for the dress rehearsal
00:56:38so they can dress in rehearsal they was like no they're professionals they do this all the time
00:56:46uh-huh all right well at this point it's no longer tingling now it's a full alarm blaze right now
00:56:54some shit is really going on so i sent d militani in there to find me a goddamn script and
00:57:00sure enough
00:57:00he come back with the script and it's racist like a 1946 newspaper i saw the william shatner roast and
00:57:07the pamela anderson roast and it wasn't all about them being white but on flavor flav shit every other
00:57:12word was flav is a crispity crackly crunchity coon he's a black sizzly crunchity crackly coon
00:57:20flav is a big black crispy crackly crunchity coon all for the fucking script the first line say
00:57:27flavor flav in a purple suit and a paper hat is supposed to come out the sky on the wire
00:57:32with
00:57:33his legs cocked up like this and as he come out the sky the first words i'm supposed to say
00:57:38is look
00:57:38it's a flying monkey that's what they say right on the first goddamn line so i'm backstage going to
00:57:44fuck off like it's gonna be the crispy crackly crunchity coon hour on my motherfucking watch
00:57:49i'm tearing up all the shit in the backstage i can afford to tear up i'd have left the plasmas
00:57:56and
00:57:56the stereo and shit but i'm fucking up the plastic cups and paper plates and shit give me these napkins
00:58:02nigga i don't give a fuck i done done 11 worth of goddamn damage back there and by the time
00:58:09i get out
00:58:10flav is already in the contraption and they just let him go and all i can say is look it's
00:58:15a flying
00:58:16monkey that's all i can say and the whole goddamn show i was mad but i was mad at me
00:58:21that i was still
00:58:22fucking doing it the way i felt because but they had already told me how much they was gonna pay
00:58:27me
00:58:27and i had already spent it in my head so i was in a fucked up position i was mad
00:58:34the whole goddamn show
00:58:35and flavors kids was in the audience they left halfway through the show crying and shit because
00:58:41their daddy had been called all types of crispity crackity crunchity coons and after the show i'm mad
00:58:47my staff mad everybody backstage like it's still racism in this motherfucking day and age and we feeling
00:58:54fucked up and right at that moment flay busting the trailer smiling and congratulating everybody on a
00:59:00good show and high-fiving niggas and i was like what the fuck is wrong with you nigga you you
00:59:07don't
00:59:07give a fuck what these motherfuckers think about you and certain niggas you don't expect to learn
00:59:12nothing from like
00:59:16you know what the fuck i'm saying i'm saying of a nigga standing in front of you in a viking
00:59:21helmet
00:59:21and gold teeth and a purple suit and a big ass clock with the wrong goddamn time on it
00:59:27you'll be like i can't learn nothing from this nigga right here i can't learn nothing from this
00:59:32nigga and i'll never forget that nigga looked at me he was like i don't give a fuck what they
00:59:39think
00:59:39they got to pay me boy and ran out the goddamn trailer
00:59:51i got to thinking about it you know what that nigga is absolutely
01:00:01goddamn right that's what the fuck it mean to be in tune with your star player if they was gonna
01:00:08call
01:00:08you a crispity crackly crunchity coon anyway you might as well get them motherfuckers for
01:00:15everything everything everything you got to be in tune with your star goddamn player you ain't never
01:00:24gonna be able to please every goddamn body and you might as well stop fucking trying
01:00:28oprah winfrey done made nine billion goddamn dollars and motherfuckers still be talking
01:00:33shit about oprah with nine but you should be able to kill a motherfucker just by saying nine billion
01:00:39in they direction just nine billion nigga nine billion you better duck
01:00:43nigga nine billion did you hear the billion oprah done every fucking thing good you could possibly do
01:00:50and motherfuckers still talks nigga fuck her nigga she don't like hip-hop nigga fuck hip-hop i don't like
01:00:54flute music it didn't make me nine billion goddamn dollars open and done every fucking nice thing
01:01:00there was to do fuck me at the end of my show i say thank you and good night at
01:01:05the end of oprah's
01:01:06show you stand up she done put a muffin basket under your seat two best-selling novels put three of
01:01:12your
01:01:12kids through college without your permission and shit well oprah's into her star fucking player she know
01:01:19you think her name ugly that's why she named everything oprah the magazine name oprah the show
01:01:23name oprah new network name oprah gail's name oprah stedman's names oprah she don't give a fuck and
01:01:30that's how you gonna have to be and we've been to go into some major motherfucking changes in this
01:01:35fucking country and white people please do not take it the wrong way we do not hate y'all
01:01:39no fucking more it is not your fault that y'all looked the way the people looked who did the
01:01:44fucked up shit to us and we understand the difference but we gonna have to get better
01:01:49as a country white people stop asking your black friends about oj we don't know nothing more about
01:01:54oj then y'all goddamn do it's 50 on either side oj ain't come to a nigger meeting in many
01:02:01a moon we
01:02:02don't even send him invitations anymore everything is not the same white people what about oj we don't
01:02:08know about oj most of us got niggas who really are in court and really need some leniency from a
01:02:14judge and shit for a motherfucker to be getting off on murder and then going to jail for anything
01:02:19you're not supposed to go to jail for nothing after murder nigga you're not even supposed to
01:02:24jaywalk you supposed to be the last nigga to cross the street most of us was done with this nigga
01:02:32where he wrote a book where he hypothetically snitches on his goddamn self that was very
01:02:38un-niggerly nigga what this nigga wrote a book called what if i would have done it nigga what
01:02:44if you'd have shut the fuck up what is you trying
01:02:49then this nigga went to jail for some shit niggas didn't even know was a crime this
01:02:53nigga went to jail for stealing his own shit
01:02:59nigga did you go to jail for stealing a picture of you nigga
01:03:02you couldn't have got a copy of kinko's or nothing oj won't even go to jail like a
01:03:08nigga every time you see oj going to jail he moving way too quick to be going to jail like
01:03:13him in the
01:03:14offices is late for a meeting or something with his big ass head bopping up and down and shit
01:03:21all niggas know it's only one acceptable walk to jail nigga and it is slow and deliberate
01:03:34and all while you have your head up you'll be thinking i can't remember nobody's goddamn number
01:03:38by heart nigga this is bullshit i ain't gonna never get out of jail nigga i can't remember nobody's
01:03:43goddamn number this is bullshit we just gonna have to deal with the shit we gotta deal with make sure
01:03:49you have as much fucking fun as you can i get in trouble because i be trying to have too
01:03:53much fun and
01:03:54i be telling black people you need to get you some white friends but you have to be careful with
01:03:58your white friends your white friends to get you fucked up accidentally sometime like everybody know
01:04:04i like weed everybody know i think it's fantastic well my my white friends fucked me up on the
01:04:11shit because they was like we got something that's really fantastic and i was like well weed is already
01:04:17really fantastic i don't know how you go out fantastic fantastic uh and sometimes niggas you
01:04:24should know when to shut the fuck up because i be saying shit like uh i wonder how high i
01:04:29could actually
01:04:30get and if you say that around uh some niggas that we all just laugh and move on just
01:04:36nigga you crazy but uh your white friends take that shit seriously and they got answers for your
01:04:43questions and shit and you might want to be careful and shit because uh my white friends introduced me
01:04:48to something called the vaporizer and um uh as a public service announcement niggas this is um
01:04:54this is the real deal right here this is uh a lot of shit is bullshit this is not one
01:05:01of them uh
01:05:01nigga this is star trek the next generation right here this is a new frontier i was not
01:05:07fucking ready it come in a black box and shit and uh you put the weed in there and then
01:05:13they plugged
01:05:14it in the wall now as soon as i saw them plug it into the wall i realized i had
01:05:23already crossed my
01:05:24motherfucking boundary uh i'm standing there with a lighter in my motherfucking hand like
01:05:33this motherfucker is no bullshit it got real knobs on it you don't put it on warm it's like a
01:05:38oven you
01:05:39put it on a real temperature like 375 like jiffy corn muffin mix numbers and it ain't got no fire
01:05:46and no
01:05:47smoke which really fuck with me because if you smoke weed the the smoke is your way of knowing when
01:05:54not to
01:05:54go too far you can't really go too far because when you've achieved maximum highness your lungs will
01:06:01let you know that's when you can't catch the cough when you but this this don't have no smoke it's
01:06:15just
01:06:15all vapor and you have to be careful because you don't know how many vapors
01:06:22you can safely take you just don't know i was four five bags then before i realized
01:06:28nigga you have made a terrible mistake you this year you might want to you might not want to find
01:06:35out how
01:06:35high you can actually get just take it from me you might really embarrass yourself to yourself if you
01:06:41ain't careful you don't want to be a grown motherfucking man in your own car in the driveway
01:06:46what a wife be the own and some jogging pants crying with a lap full of bills crying to lil
01:06:53wayne
01:06:53songs and shit because he sound like he's six when he rapping you just in the car
01:06:57i just if i don't do nothing i'm a boss i counted all day like a couple of dollars
01:07:05could you give your money to touch the back boy look in the left mirror i ain't never read from
01:07:11the
01:07:12dick i had that damn story hey just saying you might not want to get to that motherfucking extreme
01:07:20that shit got so high it took me all the way low and it took me all the way high
01:07:25and you're not supposed
01:07:26to be so high that you go in your house and start fucking with your kids we game you are
01:07:31not supposed
01:07:32to do it because we and weed do not go together they seem like they should go together but they
01:07:38don't
01:07:38because the weed wants you to be active and weed want you to sit your motherfucking ass down
01:07:44and you should not be fucking with that you are not supposed to as a grown man get so high
01:07:50that you
01:07:50done went in the house found your kids we playing the tennis game and done fucked up your whole goddamn
01:07:57house losing by a thousand goddamn points trying to play tennis in your living room and shit
01:08:05move the couch
01:08:09kids come back home what happened daddy it looked like a tornado came through here little wayne was in
01:08:14here crying and shit i don't know what the fuck happened i'm sorry you just gonna have to
01:08:19fucking do your fucking best and try as hard as you can because sometimes
01:08:23shit just does not work out the way you motherfucking plan that's just a part of life sometimes
01:08:28shit do not work out the fucking way you plan i'm gonna give you a prime example i waited my
01:08:33whole
01:08:33fucking life trying to get a motorcycle my whole fucking life all i wanted was a motorcycle and first
01:08:39i couldn't afford the motorcycle then when i could afford the motorcycle then i had kids and you can't
01:08:45just get a motorcycle as your primary means of transportation if you got kids you don't know
01:08:51what to tell them in the driveway you just i ain't got no room
01:08:59and i finally was able to fucking get the motorcycle i was happy like a kid at motherfucking
01:09:05christmas you don't understand i have never been this goddamn happy i had the motherfucking
01:09:10motorcycle and it was small and black and fast just like me and i had got the black harley davidson
01:09:17boots and the leather one piece that zip up here and got the knee pads and shit already in it
01:09:22i look
01:09:22like a black toddler superhero like you should call me to solve small crimes and shit but i felt good
01:09:29than a motherfucker because i'm not that big in regular life but um on a motorcycle i'm the perfect
01:09:37size if you look in the rear view you don't even see me coming it just look like a bike
01:09:42is coming by
01:09:43itself and i'm so proud to have that and i thought everybody was going to be excited for me because
01:09:53i was happy and everybody talked shit everybody everybody who saw me standing by the goddamn bike
01:09:59talk shit about nigga what the fuck is you doing with a bike nigga you gonna kill yourself and then
01:10:04my bodyguard who ride a harley every goddamn day i'm thinking this nigga gonna have my back
01:10:09this the first nigga talking shit talking about nigga if you ride nigga you gonna fall
01:10:19nigga why are you saying that like that's in the bible or something that's not a scripture
01:10:24nigga you can't just be quoting that to people nigga if you ride nigga you gonna fall so he
01:10:30done saying this shit so much it done spooked me so i had to take the bike off to myself
01:10:35for a couple
01:10:36days and try to practice and shit because i'm not built like regular motherfuckers like most motorcycle
01:10:41niggas if you see them at the light they holding they whole bike up just on their tippy toes and
01:10:47shit i'm not built like that i got to ease way up on the hatterbars put my legs out firmly
01:10:53and
01:10:53shit or else i've been on lost control of the bike and rolled into the intersection or some shit
01:10:58so i had to go off to my motherfucking self and try to get my shit in fucking order so
01:11:09i don't
01:11:09work on it for like three or four days and finally i feel comfortable enough to debut and showcase me
01:11:15and my motherfucking fast ass black motherfucking bike so we are in tampa and it's the perfect
01:11:21situation it's a curvy road they go like this and it break into a straight shot for a mile now
01:11:27i'm not
01:11:28gonna fuck with the curvy part but i am in the cusp of the curb and the straightaway and all
01:11:34i'm waiting
01:11:34for is the bus to come because it's got glass windows and i want them to come around and then
01:11:39catch me in all my motherfucking glory down the goddamn street and i'm not telling my bodyguard
01:11:46because i want him to be the first motherfucker with the dusty mouth for talking shit about me
01:11:50in the first goddamn place so this is how it was in my head now you know what i was
01:11:56thinking in my
01:11:57head now it had been raining for a couple days before this day don't worry that don't have nothing
01:12:03to do with the story i'm just trying to make sure you know the details but since it had been
01:12:08raining i
01:12:09decide i'm gonna be extra careful so i moved my bike to the middle of the street right on the
01:12:15yellow line
01:12:15and the reason i'm doing that is because it's a straight shot and i want to make sure if somebody
01:12:20come from this way or that way i can fucking maneuver now you can probably hear some niggas grumbling
01:12:25and laughing in the back them is real motorcycle riders who is telling their friends you should
01:12:31never ever be on the yellow line because that's the strict slippriest place on the goddamn street
01:12:36but none of them smart ass niggas was there at the goddamn time so i'm just gonna tell the story
01:12:42like the fuck it happened so here i am on the yellow line the bus is coming through the curves
01:12:50now you know
01:12:51when you get excited how everything slow down and go into slow motion and shit that's where the
01:12:56fuck i was i saw the bus i went into slow motion and i hit that motherfucker one time
01:13:07now let me pause the story right here just to say sometimes shit does not work out
01:13:14the way you goddamn planned it one second i'm waiting on my moment of glory
01:13:19shoo i hit it one time yeah i don't know what happened the next second
01:13:27but the second after that i am in the middle of the goddamn street
01:13:34with my bike on top of me now not only am i in the middle of the goddamn street trapped
01:13:42under my
01:13:43own goddamn bike the bus has now pulled up right the fuck here so now everybody in my staff is
01:13:50looking
01:13:51at me trapped under my own goddamn bike and my bodyguard who could have easily picked this
01:13:57motherfucker up off of me is too busy getting his seven goddamn chuckles under his goddamn helmet and
01:14:03shit and not only am i caught under my own fucking bike my left hand is caught up under the
01:14:10handlebars
01:14:11so not only am i trapped under my own bike in the middle of the street i am slowly spinning
01:14:17for no goddamn
01:14:18reason at all just
01:14:19i get up all this side is all crispity crackly crunchity cool
01:14:45i can't even get no motherfucking sympathy from no goddamn body because it ain't like i got in a
01:14:50motorcycle accident all the that happened is my bike drugged me five feet up the goddamn highway
01:14:56and then slowly spun me rotisserie style in front of my goddamn friends
01:15:07i had to do what any real motherfucker would do in that situation
01:15:10i got back on that motherfucker made them follow me for 500 miles
01:15:17while i did two and a half miles an hour crying
01:15:20y'all been all that i've been cat williams thank you so much dc i appreciate it
01:15:29thank you
01:15:46you suckers don't fit like gangsters playing ping pong
01:15:49i stand strong ain't nothing you can do with me feel it d
01:15:53niggas don't be acting like you
01:15:55i got my swag right
01:15:56i got my cash on
01:15:58a lot of haters talking about
01:16:00i ain't gonna last long
01:16:01but that's unlikely
01:16:03and they don't like me
01:16:04probably because they ain't nothing like me
01:16:07cuz i'ma blow
01:16:08blow
01:16:09i'ma blow
01:16:10blow
01:16:10and when i blow
01:16:11blow
01:16:12don't be acting like you're cool with me
01:16:14blow
01:16:14blow
01:16:15i'ma blow
01:16:16blow
01:16:16and when i blow
01:16:18blow
01:16:18don't be acting like you're cool with me
01:16:20shia
01:16:24xl
01:16:25yeah
01:16:25i hear him talking
01:16:26yeah i hear him
01:16:28it sound like hate
01:16:30what is that like
01:16:30it smell like hate
01:16:32what it smell like
01:16:32it feel like hate
01:16:33it feel like what
01:16:35but ain't nothing they can do about it
01:16:36it ain't nothing they can do
01:16:37it looks like cat know how to make good decisions
01:16:39yeah
01:16:40yeah
01:16:42cat pack records people
01:16:44woo
01:16:45suck ass
01:16:46niggas talking about they can rap
01:16:48rap
01:16:48rap what
01:16:49they got flow
01:16:51flow
01:16:51flow up
01:16:51y'all got a problem is what y'all got right now
01:16:54a real problem
01:16:56clutching explicit people
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