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Watch The Claudia Winkleman Show Episode Season 1 Episode 7 online in HD on Dailymotion (2026).
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00:01Quite giggly
00:03This is when we put the best bits of the show together. Have you watched any of it? I watched
00:09one, okay
00:14Only because I go to bed early. No, so do I
00:30I
00:51Always happen just screaming every single day of my life
01:00I'm not gonna lie. I'm shit myself, Claudia. No
01:04Rachel your best friend is
01:07Your biggest fan, which I'm sure you get this a lot when I was growing up and One Direction was
01:13getting very popular
01:13I was getting into Les Miserables, so I wasn't really me too
01:18I've seen it multiple times. Yes, of course and my best friend when I was a kid
01:22I've known her since I was one. Oh, her name is Carly and she had a
01:26Cardboard cut out of you in her bedroom. So when we have sleepovers, do you know who watched me sleep?
01:44Thank you all so much for coming because Jimmy you got in from Australia literally this morning
01:50Why flew from Australia but via Los Angeles? Oh
01:54No, so it was I went I'm basically trying to prove flat earthers wrong
02:00How do you deal with it? What's the answer Lisa? What's your do you have an answer you get on
02:05the plane drugs?
02:09What are you supposed to eat? I can't travel anywhere. I can't go to Manchester. I get jet lag. I've
02:14never yeah, it's true
02:15I've never moved. I don't think you're supposed to eat. I think you're not supposed to eat
02:19You know when to eat on the plane, right? Right. I don't eat plain food. You don't?
02:24I do if I'm hungry
02:28That's how food works
02:31I read once that you love meat. I always know I always travel with like biltong. It's like cured sort
02:39of
02:39Uh beef dead animals. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and when you say like do you take a slither or are you
02:44taking a bag?
02:45I take like a big a big bag, uh
02:47Just to get me through. Yeah, a big sort of fatty bag of sort of old meat
02:55What's happening
02:57You can get like prepackaged stuff in supermarkets
02:59I feel like I need a visual of it
03:01No, I go to like a south africa like a south africa
03:04It's the store like it's still africa themed store, but does the meat
03:08Is it odiferous like does it smell really bad? I don't think it smells bad, but I think other people
03:14might think it smells bad
03:16I don't know. Just curious, you know
03:18Yeah, it smells good. Are you a meat eater? I love meat. Yeah, listen
03:23I'll bring you to the south africa themed shop
03:26Okay, this is the worst episode of first dates ever
03:31Um chase infinity the best name on the sofa the best name I think i've ever heard
03:37Um your parents are very clever. How did they put it together?
03:41They they had watched batman forever and nicole kidman played a character named chase meridian
03:46And they were like regardless of anything
03:48Her name is going to be chase because they were obsessed with nicole kidman in in that movie
03:52And then infinity comes from a toy story to infinity and beyond and i've just gone by chase infinity since
03:58i was 10 so
03:59That's that's how they sort of decided what you were going to do
04:02Before they even met kind of crazy literally crazy how that happened
04:06But yeah
04:06And what's your sister called her name is dolce and she's into fashion she went to school for
04:13Is that all you have to do with the kids yeah
04:16I wish i'd known yeah i would have given my kids different names
04:22Um rita thank you for coming because you've come from very far but you love london you used to live
04:27here
04:27I do love london yes i went to drama school here at lambda very long time ago
04:32But it was super fun and it was it was you know like you're living in england you're in london
04:38I saw so much theater it was absolutely fantastic yeah
04:42So when you come back are you like i remember this little shop or i want to have this soup
04:46from here
04:47Oh no no you have to understand like i was on a student's budget
04:50And so in in america we have this thing called the freshman 10
04:54Which is when you go off to college you immediately gain 10 pounds
04:58And i definitely had that because my diet was like mcdiddies mcvitties
05:03Did i say mcdiddies i like mcdiddies
05:05Guys we're going to mcdiddies
05:08We all did that in freshman year
05:10Yeah we all did that
05:15I'll have the double ditty
05:16I'll have the double ditty and an std test
05:19But mcdiddies was also mcdonald's because it was like french fries or mcvitties that was my diet
05:24And my body loved it
05:26Yeah you were like thank you i will come to london more often
05:29Yes exactly give me more please
05:30Russell uh for you bristol or london
05:34Well i'm from bristol so i you know i prefer bristol
05:38But it's no i like i like london i'm a fan
05:40I i got i got mugged here once and it was the most
05:44But it was the most middle-class mugging so a friend of mine had uh she'd just given birth
05:49So i got some cupcakes so i'm carrying these cupcakes up this hill and this kid's probably about 15
05:54Really pasty looking kid just stands in front of me and goes oi
05:59You better give me one of them cupcakes
06:02And i suddenly kind of went you can't have them my friend she's just given birth
06:07And this kid suddenly went i'm sorry tell her congratulations
06:12And he was like this it's such a beautiful moment of like
06:16You kind of go from fear to like yeah
06:19And i like it um we have unbelievable news because dan you are moving to london
06:25Yeah
06:28Yeah i mean i'm moving as as yes i have a place here that is i will be here
06:35As much as i possibly can with with within legal bounds
06:40You lived here before i did i lived here in my early had a very bad relationship
06:45I'm sorry needed to come here because that's where notting hill was the movie
06:50Like one of my favorite movies
06:51And i was like i don't know i'm 21 years old anything's possible i'm gonna move to london and find
06:59myself
06:59So i found a little apartment yeah and it was great and it was i moved in and i'm like
07:06to be clean
07:07I'm spraying everywhere i don't know who was in here before it was kind of dirty
07:12I'm hearing rumors from the people downstairs that it might have been a a mother-daughter
07:19Sex duo got it oh sexy
07:23Probably had way more sex in there than i did anyway
07:26I'm what was the address out of interest
07:28I pull the bed from the wall at this point i had taken my gloves off
07:33And i'm now you know when you're in cleaning mode it doesn't you're not really you're just fishing so i'm
07:37reaching down the side of the bed
07:41I'm gonna tell you what i found and then you tell me what you think it is okay okay
07:46So i grabbed it can i just say the weirdest game show i've ever been on
07:51I'm into it it slips out of my hands what do you mean oh hell it was a
07:58Yeah phallic shaped perfume bottle
08:01Wrapped in a condom oh and tied at the end
08:07And slippery
08:21What do you think it was what perfume it's a sex toy isn't it no not perfume well
08:26It was perfume until someone turned it into something else would it be me have a condom well maybe because
08:31it was cold
08:35I don't
08:36You ask
08:37I don't
08:40Anna uh you wrote a brilliant book
08:42Uh oh i better get us some water yes
08:45Called unqualified where you talk about the professions that one should avoid
08:49Yes in in dating list some of the things we should not go near number one
08:54Magician correct
08:58Somebody who was tricking you i don't know they won't let you in on their secrets
09:02I had a boy they're going to bore you rigid with a pack of cards
09:07Like take my bra off i don't give a shit
09:09Yeah number two athlete professional athlete uh for the normal reasons cheating and whatnot but also because
09:19I think you're gonna have to do some ego lifting
09:22Yeah
09:23You know oh the rookie isn't that good or and they're gonna want a smoothie as soon as your knee
09:28gets better
09:29Yeah number three chef
09:32Um i do think it's an environment when i was waiting tables where uh it felt like anger
09:41It wasn't managed it was celebrated i don't think you can leave that mentality at work yeah
09:46Um i think there's only one in the list of professions you should date yep and what is that please
09:54that is a woodworker a canoe
09:56Somebody who makes canoes by the coast cop and solitary he's sad
10:04He's sad he's been lonely and he's but he's carving that canoe and sanding it i imagine he's quite thorough
10:12oh yeah
10:14Yes
10:23Sorry um you know what we've got an army of in the audience woodworkers they're right there no no gentlemen
10:34Thank you
10:35Thank you
10:35Thank you
10:35That's amazing
10:36Woodworkers
10:38Thank you woodworkers
10:39Liam
10:40Quiet heroes
10:41Yes
10:43Liam i think you are the speaker of the woodworkers is that right i think so yeah
10:48Okay um have you ever made a canoe
10:51Yeah uh and i'm very thorough
10:57Standing and standing
11:00What do you think about as you're sanding yeah do you think about love all the time
11:07For the rest of you any professions you'd steer clear of actors
11:13Olivia i think if you own or created an app
11:17i think it's
11:19What about the man who created wordle for his girlfriend it's so romantic oh i didn't know that story okay
11:23he not him but
11:24But but all the other ones you don't want an app created the ones all the ones that are coming
11:28to mind
11:31Do you know i keep on thinking where you're like a woodworker but it's got ever like a story i'm
11:35like you need to read the bible
11:37Yes
11:37Oh
11:39Mine's gonna be blown
11:41I do
11:42Yeah
11:43I do
11:44Yeah
11:44Yeah
11:45The album is called the sound of a woman right the sound of a woman i think is just
11:51Exactly i say that quite a lot my husband has an idea
11:58That's another one
12:00I've got a
12:01A bum
12:04Yeah go make the bed
12:05No more words one of my one of my favorite noises a woman's ever made i was in wow wait
12:12a minute
12:14So a lady uh see johnny depp
12:19In the streets it's probably about 20 years ago and the noise i'll never do it justice but she saw
12:23it went
12:25It was so just and you could sort of see it happening as he's walking down various
12:30He was just sort of gliding down the street just causing various noises um i could do something but it's
12:38filthy
12:38Do it just do it right now before no no no yes
12:57I was just making conversation i can't
13:00No you're doing i'll tell you what i can do i can do an extraordinary but it's audio only
13:06Horse impression
13:08Do you want to go around the back so that we can only hear you
13:12And i have used it in foreplay
13:19Are you ready
13:21It's audio just imagine wedding night 28 years guys
13:27Ready okay are you coming to bed yes i get pretend hooves on i don't great
13:32Are you ready
13:34Are you ready
13:36Are you ready
13:37Are you ready
13:47Oh that is the sound of a woman
13:53Just to be clear
13:54Oh what a male
13:58Joanne you're doing all of these shows and you also would like to adopt a dog
14:03I bought a house finally on the ladder i have a garden lovely i was like i'll obviously i'll
14:08Rescue a dog because that's what you do are you adopt also i'm adopted myself so i feel it's only
14:11fair to pay it forward
14:20Yeah
14:21I'm a rescue i'm a rescue dog
14:24Yeah so i would always rescue i would never buy new
14:29Shame on you for having your own children claudia
14:32You should have adopted
14:34How dare you
14:35So anyway i went i rang up and it is so hard and i'll probably get rinsed for saying this
14:42but like i was like
14:43Blah blah blah i want to adopt a little and they were like yeah do you have a car and
14:47i was like
14:47No i said i have access to an e-scooter
14:51And they were like oh you don't have a car and i was like they're like you can't adopt a
14:55dog and i was like what am i driving it to it's piano lessons
14:59I like the fact that i'm just like us we're having a chat and rafe looks like help me
15:05I want to talk about my play
15:09Wait i'm going to talk to you about your play i don't want you to panic and run away screaming
15:13i'm staying here yeah good boy thank you
15:16The good boy was too much
15:20As i said i was like i'm uncomfortable
15:22Um
15:24There'll be an opening night there will be a red carpet do you guys like a red carpet look at
15:30olivia's face
15:31It's it's disgusting isn't it well when you've got all those people
15:36Screaming at you
15:38My reaction is to want to cry or run away
15:42And so like i can't i can't sort like it's sort of all that energy gets put down and under
15:46my dress my like right knee is quivering like that yeah
15:48It's a bit um but it's like it's no but it can be quite scary oh 100 and i don't
15:55know there isn't at least
15:57When i my first red carpet was in the year 2004 scary movie and it felt confusing i'm sure some
16:05of those photos
16:06I am really like you know caught caught like i know i don't belong
16:13Uh here on this red carpet and i think you guys know that too
16:17That's always the feeling of like
16:20Imposter syndrome yes yeah i feel like it's just a necessary evil you know i mean like you've got to
16:26do
16:26The red carpet to get into the venue to quaff the free champagne
16:31It's the it's the tax
16:36So true in my life and i'm 54 i've never met anybody who likes a red carpet and then
16:44Rafe i meet you
16:47I've got evidence let's have a look exhibit one please
16:56I know what you're thinking you guys it's a one-off
17:01Buckle up here is number two
17:05He's enjoying himself that's nothing
17:09Let's have number three
17:13Yes and finally as we're all going oh and it's uncomfortable and they're saying my name
17:23Rafe finds ladies and gentlemen
17:33So why why do you love it you come out of the car you're wearing a suit you've got something
17:38i don't know
17:39You're just ready and they're shouting rape rape and you're like i've come along you know what happens
17:43You can make that rape rape or what i met the name and you
17:48Suddenly a boredom factor kicks in
17:51All right
17:55And you entertain yourself to get through the fucking thing
18:01That's a great strategy
18:03I'm going to try to embrace that
18:06Dawn and i my friend dawn french and i once thought we'd be really daring and we got an ecstasy
18:12tablet
18:13And we thought we could take well i think it was something with a rabbit on it it was about
18:18that big
18:19And we thought one day i said well be alone
18:23It became such a matter of planning as to when we could take half
18:29An ecstasy tablet and so we kept it and kept it on dawn's mantelpiece like that and then one day
18:35This is about six months later when we've gone okay right we're ready we had water we had
18:41We didn't know what to expect at all the pill had gone
18:45No
18:45But your dog was looking lively that day
18:51And it was quite a relief to be honest
18:53You were like thank goodness thank god we don't do that anymore
18:55Yeah
18:56No drugs for us
18:57The dog was out in the garden jumping up and down
19:00Having sex with the dragon
19:04Where did you first meet him where did i first meet riz Ahmed
19:08For legal purposes i've been asked to frame this story
19:13To go back like 20 years could be a little bit more
19:17And i'm from coventry i still live there and i before i did this had different vocations
19:23um one of my vocations was selling tulips let's go with that
19:32That's what beautiful tulips they were right yeah i was a florist people really like the flowers every time they
19:38They say brother this flower is the best flower i ever smell in my whole life okay
19:44i was in an alleyway with my still best friend till this day and a gentleman comes running into the
19:49Alleyway and when you're selling tulips late at night you know everyone's on edge
19:52Of course go with it guys i looked down i looked down the alleyway and there's riz Ahmed
20:00But i didn't know it was riz Ahmed and riz Ahmed was a little bit nervous about the the activity
20:05of floristry in this particular
20:07But to his credit riz decided to venture down there to me and my friend and said my brothers
20:13i'm about to spit some bars in the students union would you like to join me and i looked at
20:18my friend and said
20:19Probably not man these tulips ain't gonna sell themselves brother
20:23My friend who's a good person he's a good geezer he said no we should support this guy he looks
20:29kind of stressed
20:29So we accompanied him to the students union this is oscar-winning riz Ahmed 20 years ago and he performed
20:36Quite okay-ish rap music
20:39To a group of six people in poetry students union
20:44And 10 years later when i started doing like comedy and silly stuff like that he messaged me and he
20:49goes
20:50But can i ask you a question
20:52I said yeah he said did you used to sell tulips
20:58In an alleyway in coventry and i said who are you the police
21:02Go away and that's the story of how me and riz met
21:11Josh could you try and explain to dan who who mr blobby is okay it's quite so there's
21:21Bear in mind this took four hours in the podcast right i need it in 15 to 30 seconds
21:27There's a man called noel edmonds he had a saturday night tv show and he used to prank people it
21:32was huge it was the biggest
21:33Show on british tv massive and he thought a good way of doing that would be to dress as a
21:37fake character
21:38So they made mr blobby which was a seven foot rubber and pink thing that went blobby blobby blobby
21:44And then you know where's your photo is it yeah go on yeah yeah so that's just to be clear
21:51noel is on the left
21:56And then the problem was that mr blobby became so popular
22:02Popular yeah yeah with the with the british public that he uh became absolutely bone chilling
22:10If this creature showed up at my house i would call the police
22:15So that mr blobby he became so popular he got a number one single yeah right christmas
22:20What do you mean he went to things too
22:23Exactly yeah and then he became so popular they opened a string of mr blobby theme
22:28Yeah that's our mickey mouse yeah
22:37Yeah
22:40Um
22:41Rita yes a slight bone to pick with you all right you enjoy camping yeah
22:46I love camping so do you mean camping as in
22:50We're coming pitch up the tent and bring me a pet giraffe or are you
22:54I don't know i've never camped no
22:57Or you're like driving and you're making a stove yes we have one of those
23:02Vans that is you know kitted out with a bed and a kitchen and everything and there's nothing better than
23:08cooking in the outdoors
23:10It is so fantastic like i don't know there's something about being under the stars
23:15And there's a lovely little
23:17Lovely toilet in there so it's very civilized it's very civilized is it one of those where you have that
23:22blue liquid
23:23You have to
23:24No they're very high tech now oh are they very very high tech it's always you know what i mean
23:29it's that weird
23:30Exactly
23:31I've got a glass of it's great and then you're like terrible
23:35You're like working away you're shame
23:37No it's beautiful and it's really really great
23:41Yeah but it is that sometimes you're like
23:49I can't kill the moon
23:52Lisa your character valerie uh takes part in traitors uh-huh
23:57And i know and
24:00And valerie's uh stint on traitors was inspired a little bit by somebody on the uk traders
24:07Yes, it was on linda linda
24:17Because for those who haven't um seen and they i'll just explain linda was the person who and i said
24:24traitors
24:24You'll meet each other later and looked at me and nodded
24:29And there was a bit of linda in it wasn't there a bit yeah oh my god
24:34Yeah we had valerie someone saying like well i think he's a traitor and she's oh no i can tell
24:39you a hundred percent he's a faithful
24:42How do you know just i have a i have a feeling
24:47Don't you wish we knew who the traitor was
24:50It's so stressful yeah i love the fact it was based on linda and i think it's only right that
24:55you meet her but oh yes
24:57Linda
24:59No way
25:17I love seeing you i just somehow wanted linda and lisa together even just for a minute but
25:26Linda in your wildest dreams when that happened and you looked at me and went got it
25:33Did you ever think that then the mighty lisa kudrow would use you as inspiration in her amazing show
25:44Crazy
25:45Absolutely on our show she was voted out like that night
25:50No
25:51What was wrong with your group
25:53Yes
25:54Episode seven
25:55They took a very long time they took a very long time because you're very charming ladies and gentlemen linda
26:02Thank you
26:16We're all still alive though
26:20Yes
26:20Yes we are i just i just i couldn't help it when i watched i was like oh hold on
26:25a minute yeah
26:27I know but they didn't vote her out sorry none of them are here so i can say not bright
26:32No
26:32No
26:37I found out some other information about you which i'm obsessed
26:40More information about me for vogue you went through your beauty routine
26:45Oh jeez
26:48Look at that all right and by the way it would not fit on these cards not even small font
26:56I
26:58There are 22 steps wait one you light a candle to set the tone
27:07Give me a minute go on i'll give her a half an hour
27:09I was going to say
27:10Ford there's a cold water splash pardon
27:15Number nine is you play with big silver balls
27:20There are so many tell me what you actually do
27:23I do quite a few of them to be fair i'm quite i'm quite big into the skin care
27:27Do the ice water in the morning three or four dunks
27:32Actually i'm going to action all the time
27:35We've got it
27:36A couple of moisturizers and like a serum a moisturizer as to have a spray
27:42Well it's like a cold plunge for your face yeah
27:44It's fucking he's actually 72 years old yeah
27:47Wow
27:48He's amazing
27:49I know it i don't know
27:50You did
27:51I'm so impressed i'm used to dealing with lads who've cleaned their face with a scrub daddy
27:55I've never
27:56Anyone with this
27:57I need to move up in the world
28:02I'm sorry Scott yeah
28:04Um guys what are you doing in the morning
28:06Look by the way look how immaculate that skin is
28:08I want to have this
28:09I know but like i wash my face
28:13Sometimes you know sometimes some mornings it's hard
28:16My wife puts that um is it like a black head strip
28:19What is that black head strip
28:21I don't know what it is but every time is every time she puts it on
28:25She insists that she's the one to take it off
28:28And when she peels it she does the same thing every time she peels it looks at it and says
28:32disgusting
28:35That's satisfying
28:36Just so you know
28:37Yeah
28:37Very satisfying though
28:38Did she rip it off like quick or slow
28:41It depends on the mood
28:42Got it
28:43Got it
28:44I think what i'm my plan is to um
28:47Two-step skin care and then just eventually get a gorgeous korean facelift
28:51Yeah
28:52Wow
28:53How how we can all be doing it
28:55I want it they just yank you off
28:58Yeah they yank you up
28:59Yeah yank you right all right
29:00The problem is where did the folds go
29:02Who cares where the folds goes
29:03It goes into the back of your ears
29:04Right
29:05I want my eyes on my head
29:06I want so much plastic surgery when they cremate me I won't burn
29:09I'll just
29:11It just melts
29:12It just melts
29:15Yeah
29:16I can't wait
29:18It's good
29:18It's good
29:19I'll just shrink things
29:21Remember those crisp packets in the 90s you used to put in the oven
29:23They just shrink
29:24Yeah
29:24That'll be me
29:25Fingers crossed
29:26That's my goal
29:28Yeah
29:28It's a good goal
29:29I like it
29:30Thank you
29:30I want my eyes on the top of my head
29:32Yeah
29:32That was brilliant
29:33I want my ass on my back
29:34That's what I want
29:38Jeff you've starred obviously in oscar-nominated wicked the biggest musical film in recent memory
29:47And I don't know whether this is true but please say it is that occasionally you would look down the
29:53lens
29:54And speak directly to the editor and say I like that take or is that true?
29:58Yes, I would do takes I was trying to do a good job and sometimes
30:02As was my want to do I think is the phrase I would after a take I would go
30:08And he would go and cut okay
30:11Jeff says Myron Kirstein that's uh that's I say that's that's a good one
30:15Just so you know our editors called Steve he's happy with any notes you have
30:21That's your camera over there
30:23If you said something that you're particularly proud of you just say Steve
30:26Add
30:27Yes, I think I've been lively tonight Steve and I say any
30:31Any genuine moment that especially I like the spontaneous ones
30:36Where there's a real connection which I've felt strongly with us so I say so far anything is uh good
30:42for the show
30:42Fine thank you
30:44Steve will take that
30:46I trust you completely
30:49James I love the fact we were chatting earlier and you said
30:53Your favorite thing is when you're acting is watching the person who is acting right in front of like sometimes
30:57you're
30:58And I love when actually when you're so in awe
31:00Yes
31:00Oh man
31:01So sometimes like sometimes really good acting just makes it all seem seamless and all that kind of stuff
31:05Sometimes you're working with somebody who's just does something so good you're like
31:09Yeah
31:10Oh my god, and I was like that with your husband
31:13Oh really?
31:14Not that we acted together but like I I would go in and yeah, no he wouldn't let me
31:18And I do just say who your husband is just tell the group
31:24You're married to just so you know
31:30I'm sorry to have to tell you this but um you have all this and be married to tom hanks
31:34Yes, I am
31:35And I yep, he does deserve that
31:39I don't know why I do this thing sometimes when I get around famous people
31:43When they kind of go like hey, what's up? What are you gonna get for lunch?
31:46And they've just been totally normal and I'm like I feel so uncomfortable
31:50And I go into this weird sort of over like almost put on working class thing
31:56I'm like all right, man. I know I'm gonna get some chips or something
32:00I'm gonna get like I drive a Punto
32:06I'm gonna get some bread with butter
32:09I'm gonna get some caviar and I don't know why that happens
32:12Yeah, of course, I don't like it. It's a bit like we know it's weird when you really fancy somebody
32:17Yeah, but early on you know with the first person I found somebody so badly when I was 17
32:21He was speak to me and I would just be sick
32:24Hmm
32:30Gus before you got into comedy and before
32:35All of this you were a teacher
32:37I was a teacher
32:39What kind of a teacher were you a shit one?
32:44I don't believe that I just don't believe that
32:47What do you believe that?
32:53What did you teach?
32:55Well, here's the thing
32:57So when you do your PGCE
32:59Yeah
33:00Specialized in teaching
33:01You you you do that in a specific subject or set of subjects
33:06I never got around to teaching those specific sets of subjects
33:10So like I was basically like a really good big brother forward slash that fun uncle around school
33:17And I would like to hope to think maybe that I had contributed in a positive way to the children
33:22of grace academy in coventry
33:23If I didn't and you failure gcse's I apologize
33:27That is the plot to school of rock without the music
33:30Can I tell you something? Yeah, your students loved you. Did they love me? They loved you. Would you like
33:35to say hello to one?
33:36No, stop it. I'm gonna cry. I'm gonna cry
33:39I'm gonna cry
33:40What?
33:43Hey Mr. Khan
33:45Hello
33:48Here's another one
33:49Yes, come in you y'all
33:51Come here
33:52Come on
33:56Come on
33:56Come on
33:59Can we?
34:01It's 25 now
34:10Yeah
34:12You bought all the brown ones
34:14What?
34:14Yes
34:17Left on the poor white kids at home in Coventry
34:19I love you too
34:20Have a seat on the sofa
34:23Hi
34:25Hello
34:26Can I sit next to the mirror?
34:28Yeah, you can sit next to the mirror
34:30I've loved having a laugh with you
34:32But to hear their stories about how brilliant you were
34:35I don't want to embarrass you. We've gone a bit
34:38Weird
34:39But you were much better than your saying
34:45Because Simran, what did he do for you?
34:47You know what?
34:48As you see Mr. Khan
34:50Yeah
34:50In TV was just like how he was in school
34:53Yeah
34:54I remember the first time I had him in a class
34:56Yeah
34:56He goes
34:57Oi
34:58Simran
34:59Come here
35:00And I was like
35:01I thought I was in trouble
35:02Right?
35:03And he was like
35:03I can't be asked to do the presentation
35:05Slide the next button
35:06You sit there and you do it for me
35:08Yeah
35:10I was like
35:11Safe
35:11Right
35:12But then the thing is
35:14I was quite shy
35:15Up until I had Mr. Khan as my teacher
35:17And again
35:18He was that fun uncle
35:19Vibes
35:20Right?
35:21Where he made me feel comfortable
35:22And I started to gain a bit of confidence from that
35:24But even
35:25After he left
35:26Knowing what he pursued
35:29Was enough to inspire myself to pursue something different
35:33You know
35:34When you come from Coventry
35:35And you come from a South Asian background
35:37You're not always pushed to do something creative
35:39So now
35:39You know
35:40I went to uni
35:41I passed
35:41Yeah
35:42Come on
35:43How much is it?
35:44Yeah
35:44I've got an art degree
35:46I've got art degree
35:46I've got art degree
35:48And
35:49And
35:49And
35:50And
35:50Yeah it was like
35:52You contributed more than you think
35:54You sit
35:56Come on
35:57Come on
36:01How old the family will be okay?
36:04Nafis
36:04Tell us about Mr. Khan
36:05Nafis why you swear so much?
36:09No
36:09I don't know what I'm allowed to say
36:10I'm not allowed to say
36:13Brother got tulips in his inside pocket
36:14I don't know what
36:17Now you know what it is?
36:19This guy
36:20He made us all feel like you can go out and do anything that you want
36:22Yeah
36:23Coventry's
36:25Coventry's known for tulips
36:27So
36:28Everyone
36:28Really?
36:29Yeah
36:30Well done
36:30Everyone there is some sort of florist
36:32Someone wearing another
36:33No one
36:34No one
36:35No one really thinks of Coventry and thinks
36:37Oh yeah
36:37Like someone's going to come out of there
36:39So to see somebody go out and do it
36:40Like
36:40I'll be the first one to say it
36:42And everyone in Coventry has goods back in
36:44Like we're super proud of what you've done
36:46Yes
36:47Right
36:47Come on
36:54Now we are nearly at the end of the show
36:57I cannot express this enough
36:58That we are deeply unqualified to answer questions
37:03But lovely people in the audience have questions
37:05And so anybody who has a question, please
37:09Um
37:10Yes, sir
37:11Right
37:11Yeah, so
37:12Hello, my name is Balder
37:13I've got a dating question
37:15I've just recently started dating someone
37:17No, I'm married
37:19LAUGHTER
37:24Sorry
37:25Sorry
37:26No, I've just recently started dating this girl
37:30And I think it's going really well, you know
37:31But I'm afraid that maybe she's into like star signs
37:37No, get out
37:37Well
37:38Is that a red flag?
37:41When was she born?
37:44I don't know
37:45But you know
37:46The irony is that we met filming a music video
37:48And she was literally in a star-shaped costume
37:52Oh
37:52So I don't know
37:53Oh, that feels like a classic Sagittarius
37:56LAUGHTER
37:59First of all, we said we wouldn't bring this here
38:01LAUGHTER
38:06I love you, Chris
38:10Said you were just coming to support me tonight
38:12LAUGHTER
38:14I mean, why would that be...
38:16Why would that be a bad thing?
38:19LAUGHTER
38:20I think somebody being into star signs is a big red flag for me
38:26This is going to go down badly
38:27If you'd made me guess, I'd have guessed you're into star signs, Claudia
38:31LAUGHTER
38:32Is that true?
38:33I could burst into two
38:34LAUGHTER
38:35That's almost the most offensive thing that anybody has ever said to me
38:40Why?
38:41Let's go deep on this
38:42Where is the trauma?
38:43Why do we not like star signs?
38:46This was my last show!
38:49LAUGHTER
38:49I've talked about your podcast!
38:52LAUGHTER
38:54APPLAUSE
38:57I've done everything I had to do
39:00I...
39:01Can I say this?
39:02We won't put it out
39:03I think people who believe in star signs are sick
39:07LAUGHTER
39:12LAUGHTER
39:14APPLAUSE
39:15LAUGHTER
39:16LAUGHTER
39:16LAUGHTER
39:17LAUGHTER
39:18LAUGHTER
39:18LAUGHTER
39:19LAUGHTER
39:19Oh...
39:19Oh, my God!
39:21Yes, here we go. Go on, darling.
39:23My question is, I want to tell people when they're being annoying
39:28to help them be less annoying
39:30but then I look like a... a bitch.
39:33LAUGHTER
39:34So, what's the best way to handle this?
39:37LAUGHTER
39:37When you say people...
39:39LAUGHTER
39:39How many people are we talking about?
39:41I mean... I mean, it happens every day.
39:43Like, there's a lot of...
39:44There's a lot of people I would like to tell that to.
39:47LAUGHTER
39:48Well, the adage would be,
39:50if you meet three arseholes before noon,
39:52you're the arsehole.
39:53LAUGHTER
39:54LAUGHTER
39:55APPLAUSE
40:03It's tough love.
40:05LAUGHTER
40:06Fair enough.
40:07I didn't know...
40:07I didn't know it was going to go this way.
40:10LAUGHTER
40:11Would you like a gentler piece of advice?
40:14No, it's all right.
40:16LAUGHTER
40:17I'm so sorry.
40:17I think you've learned something.
40:19LAUGHTER
40:20Me too.
40:21And that's what life's about.
40:23LAUGHTER
40:25I mainly do dick jokes.
40:26OK.
40:27LAUGHTER
40:28No, I like this Jimmy as well.
40:30Wow, wow.
40:31What do you do?
40:32I feel like I should...
40:32What do you do?
40:33My best.
40:36LAUGHTER
40:47I'm training to be a therapist.
40:49LAUGHTER
40:51I mean...
40:54I mean...
40:55I'm not sure if it's the job for you.
40:59LAUGHTER
41:03Anybody else?
41:05My question is, what do you think is the meaning of life?
41:13LAUGHTER
41:17I like it.
41:19I'm surprised by it and let's run with it.
41:23Rafe.
41:24LAUGHTER
41:27LAUGHTER
41:29Um...
41:32Is that alcohol?
41:34Yes, good, good, good.
41:36LAUGHTER
41:46Good friendships.
41:48Enjoyment of food.
41:50Um...
41:51Acceptance of death.
41:53LAUGHTER
41:54Oh, that's...
41:54Be cool about death.
41:56Be cool about death.
41:57Yeah, that's it.
41:58Wow.
41:59That's really good.
42:00APPLAUSE
42:04Thank you so much.
42:06OK, we've got one...
42:08One final question.
42:10APPLAUSE
42:10Oh, there we go.
42:11There we go.
42:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:17What's up?
42:21Yeah!
42:22Oh, my God!
42:23Oh, my God!
42:23No!
42:24LAUGHTER
42:26LAUGHTER
42:27LAUGHTER
42:27LAUGHTER
42:27LAUGHTER
42:28LAUGHTER
42:28LAUGHTER
42:28LAUGHTER
42:29LAUGHTER
42:30LAUGHTER
42:34You people are fucking crazy.
42:36LAUGHTER
42:39Yes, you in the pink, Sal.
42:40Oh, my God.
42:43Oh, my God!
42:44LAUGHTER
42:44Oh, my God!
42:46LAUGHTER
42:46LAUGHTER
42:48LAUGHTER
42:50Is that...
42:52Is that how we talk?
42:53Yeah.
42:53Have some respect.
42:54OK.
42:54Go on.
42:56LAUGHTER
42:57LAUGHTER
42:59Josh, would you like to answer that, please?
43:02Um...
43:03I think you should put the perfume bottle in something first.
43:06LAUGHTER
43:07LAUGHTER
43:08APPLAUSE
43:09LAUGHTER
43:10APPLAUSE
43:13Thank you so much for watching.
43:15Good night.
43:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:18Mr Fluffy...
43:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:36That's what he does.
43:39From Dorset Beach huts to Royal Navy Mestex, Alan Carr leads the search for the next interior design master on
43:44iPlayer.
43:45And when did fakery stop becoming a flaw and become the operating system of modern life?
43:49Listen to Everything is Fake on Sounds.
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