- 3 days ago
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00:24Yesterday was for me a very bad day.
00:27I was arrested for blowing up a railway line, which I did not do, and General von Klinkeroffen,
00:34a very important kraut, had me shot at door.
00:38But my two friends, the German officers over there, put dummy bullets in the firing squad's
00:44rifles so that I could live to tell the tale, which is what I am doing now.
00:50Needless to say, I owe them a favour.
00:59René, now that things are back to normal...
01:01Almost normal?
01:02We have not yet got back the painting of the Fall of Madonna with the big...
01:06Snow!
01:09René, now that things are back to almost normal, I think you owe me a favour.
01:15Of course, Colonel. Yvette or Maria?
01:22Decide.
01:26No contest.
01:28In half an hour?
01:30Perfect.
01:31Just one little thing is worrying me, Colonel.
01:34What's that, René?
01:35Well, the lieutenant who was in charge of the firing squad that shot me, he is a regular
01:39customer of mine.
01:41Will he not think it a little strange to find me still here, alive?
01:46We thought of that.
01:48We think of everything, Colonel.
01:50We told him your cafe was now being run by your twin brother.
01:57What a brilliant idea, Colonel.
02:00How do you think of these things?
02:02We have to be on our toes.
02:04He's looking forward to meeting you.
02:06Do you think it will work?
02:08Of course.
02:09You look exactly like yourself.
02:12You are most reassuring, Colonel.
02:14Oh, one other thing.
02:15I am running very short of butter, sugar and paraffin.
02:18Do you think you could let me have a little from your store?
02:21René, we cannot keep on fiddling our books.
02:24That's not fair on Hans.
02:29Oh, I'll manage somehow.
02:35Well, Helge, sit down.
02:39Have you seen Herr Fleck of the Gestapo?
02:41Yes, I carried out your instructions.
02:44I told him René has been shot and his twin brother has arrived from Nancy to run the catholic.
02:48Did he believe her?
02:49After some interrogation.
02:51Why did he interrogate you?
02:52It was raining, so we decided not to go out.
02:59Dear Sippard, will nobody come to help me?
03:06Here we are, Mama.
03:08Oh, not more onion soup.
03:11No, today we have a treat.
03:15Harakot beans.
03:16Oh.
03:18More than an old woman can bear.
03:22But no matter.
03:23Come proceed this.
03:25Now Zach René is dead.
03:29Have you found his will?
03:31Mama, he is not dead.
03:33He is down below.
03:35Oh, well.
03:36The life he led, I am not surprised.
03:39Now, Edith, you must marry again.
03:43Why do you not marry Monsieur Maurice?
03:47He owns the Hotel Grand Place.
03:49He has a café.
03:51Mama, René is not dead.
03:53He has a bigger one than René.
03:58Do not fill your head with such things.
04:01I must go.
04:02I have much to do.
04:03Now, Edith, what are you going to do about the airmen in my wardrobe?
04:11There are no airmen in your wardrobe.
04:13We have hidden them in the inn house.
04:17Airmen in the inn house.
04:20Yes.
04:21Sometimes I think I go wrong the twist.
04:29Maria.
04:30Yvette.
04:32The two German officers in half an hour.
04:34Did you explain that the flying helmet and the egg whisk are extra?
04:38Not this time.
04:39This one is on the house.
04:41René, what about the resistance?
04:43You know we have to give them ten percent.
04:46They will be very cross if they find out we are giving the Germans freebies.
04:50Take it out of the till.
04:58Allow me to introduce myself.
05:01I am Lieutenant Gruber.
05:03I was a very close friend of your brother.
05:06Ah, my twin brother, René.
05:08Yes, yes.
05:08It was very sad.
05:11Unfortunately, I was in charge of the firing party.
05:15Yes, I know.
05:16Orders, you understand.
05:17I hope you will not hold it against me.
05:21I will try not to.
05:24Your usual?
05:25Whatever that may be.
05:28That is my usual.
05:29How extraordinary.
05:32You bear a most remarkably close resemblance to René.
05:36I know.
05:38You even have the same pretty rings.
05:40Ah, yes.
05:41Yes, yes.
05:41He left them to me.
05:43Now I come to look.
05:44Your eyelashes are a little longer.
05:47And your hands are more artistic.
05:51The Colonel told me you arrived from Nancy's this morning.
05:55Yes, he is quite right.
05:56Is that where you and René were born?
05:58Yes, we were both Nancy boys.
06:06René, I must talk to you.
06:08We have to feed the ends.
06:14She called you René.
06:16That is very strange.
06:17Ah, yeah.
06:18Well, you see, we were so alike.
06:20There did not seem to be any point in giving us different names.
06:25So they called you both René.
06:26That must have been very confusing.
06:29Oh, no, no.
06:29They called us René 1 and René 2.
06:32Are you one?
06:33No, I am definitely two.
06:40Otto, what brings you here?
06:43I am here on official business.
06:44You will refer to me as Herr Flick.
06:47Yes, Herr Flick.
06:47And stand up when you talk to me.
06:49Yes, Herr Flick.
06:50Come here.
06:51Yes, Herr Flick.
06:55You are wearing perfume.
06:56You gave it to me, Herr Flick.
06:58That is no excuse.
07:00Members of the German forces should not wear perfume on duty.
07:04Even if they are girls.
07:06Turn around.
07:09At least your hair is tidy.
07:11Turn around.
07:12Yes, Herr Flick.
07:13You wish me to tell the colonel that you are here?
07:15No.
07:17I will tell him myself.
07:19You wish me to kiss you?
07:21Well, just a little one.
07:34Thank you, Herr Flick.
07:36Thank you, Herr Flick.
07:36You are welcome.
07:41Helena!
07:47Your visit is unexpected, Herr Flick.
07:50So it seems.
07:52We were just reading how well the war is going.
07:55There is a very good picture of the Fuhrer on page three.
07:59I understand you shot the saboteur.
08:02Yes, Herr Flick.
08:03Was there any peasants present at the execution?
08:06A few, Herr Flick.
08:07Did you take their names?
08:09Did you take their names, Hans?
08:11Er, I think there was one called Bobby.
08:14Fool!
08:15They might have been members of the Resistance.
08:17They might have been members of the Resistance, Hans.
08:20But you gave me no orders.
08:21That is no excuse.
08:22You should have asked them their names and addresses.
08:25You ask a French peasant that, he drops his onions and runs like the clappers.
08:30This being the case, you must attend the funeral.
08:33Funeral?
08:34Funeral?
08:34To the Resistance, he's a hero.
08:37They will come to pay their respects.
08:40I will observe from a discreet distance.
08:42You will obtain names and photographs.
08:45Helena!
08:45Helena!
08:46Clop!
08:53Carstairs, that cockerel hasn't taken his eyes off you for the last hour.
08:58I suppose, sitting in this position, he thinks I'm going to lay an egg.
09:02I wish you would.
09:03I'm just hungry.
09:13Oh!
09:15Dinner time!
09:19It's that Resistance girl, Michelle.
09:21Hello, chaps.
09:22Sorry about the cramped quarters.
09:24I'm afraid you've got to lie low a bit longer.
09:27It's not exactly luxurious, you know.
09:30Fairfax nearly fell off his perch last night.
09:34I'm trying to get through to London to get them to send a plane for you.
09:37Oh, good show!
09:38By the way, we're jolly thirsty.
09:42See the button on that feeder there?
09:44Press it with your nose and the trough will fill with water.
09:46Hey!
09:47Thank you!
09:49Toodle-oo!
09:50Toodle-oo!
09:52Yvette!
09:53Quick!
09:54I want you upstairs!
09:55Oh!
09:56It is the wireless!
10:00Mama, we have to use of adieu under your bed.
10:04Has Monsieur Maurice proposed to you yet?
10:08Mama, René is not dead.
10:10I saw it in full.
10:13I heard the shots with my own ear-trumpet.
10:17Ah!
10:18He has come towards me!
10:20Calls the priest!
10:22It is, René!
10:23He is alive!
10:24No, no, no!
10:25He is a phantom!
10:27See, my stick goes through him!
10:29You stupid old bat!
10:31Are you trying to kill me or something?
10:33Oh!
10:34It is a miracle!
10:36Oh, Tom Maurice's wedding is cancelled!
10:40Take no notice of her.
10:41Get the better.
10:42One, two, three!
10:44Oh!
10:47Oh, my God!
10:49Oh!
10:53Who is this Monsieur Maurice?
10:55He owns the Hotel Grand Place and a café.
10:57But why does she want you to marry him?
11:00He has a bigger one than you are.
11:04But René does more behind the bar.
11:07This is true.
11:11Hello, hello.
11:12This is Nighthawk.
11:14Are you receiving me?
11:15Over.
11:16London is receiving you.
11:18Pass your message.
11:20Over.
11:21The N's are still in the N house.
11:24Over.
11:25Over.
11:26What is so strange about that?
11:30Over.
11:31The two airmen want to go home.
11:35Over.
11:36Please use the code.
11:38Over.
11:39The N's are still in the N house.
11:42Over.
11:44Roger, Nighthawk.
11:45Now, listen very carefully.
11:48The big one will arrive at midnight.
11:52Oh, Monsieur Maurice, what did I tell you?
11:56Shut up!
11:57This means they are dropping the consignment that we have ordered.
12:01That must be the new uniforms for the German officers,
12:04which they no longer need,
12:05and the forged painting of the fuller Madonna with the big boobies.
12:10Thank you, London.
12:11Over and out and things.
12:14There's a man downstairs.
12:15He says he is an undertaker.
12:17But what does he want?
12:18He has come to measure you for the coffin.
12:21Oh, I forgot I was dead.
12:27Oh, hey.
12:29Good afternoon.
12:30Good afternoon.
12:31My name is Alphonse, director of funerals.
12:34My card.
12:35Ah, thank you.
12:38Swiftly and with style.
12:41I like that.
12:44This is the wife.
12:46Oh, my brother, René.
12:47The dead one.
12:51And this lady?
12:52Oh, that is Yvette.
12:54A seven, girl.
12:55I used to work under the deceased.
13:04Sad occasion.
13:05Tragic.
13:08Where is the body?
13:09In the office.
13:11Well, we have been moving him about a bit.
13:14Well, I shall have to take some measurement later.
13:18But first, we must decide on some distressing details.
13:22Of course, sir.
13:24If Monsieur would like.
13:29Now, first.
13:31The coffin.
13:34Oak.
13:35Elm.
13:36Ash.
13:37Pine.
13:45Which do you favour?
13:47Do you not have something a little bigger?
13:54These are samples of the wood.
13:58Oak is 35,000 franc.
14:01Ash.
14:0225,000 franc.
14:04Elm, 15,000.
14:06Pine, 10,000 franc.
14:07This is very expensive.
14:10Do you not have something in orange box?
14:14We must have oak.
14:16All my neighbours will expect it.
14:18Edith, I am paying for this.
14:20No wonder you really ate me in front of my neighbours.
14:23Oak.
14:24Now, as you have chosen the oak, you shall always want the bronze handles.
14:30They'll last longer.
14:33Why should this be an advantage when not pulling him up again?
14:37And the brass nameplate with the letters inlaid in silver.
14:41Might I suggest...
14:44To my beloved husband...
14:47Sadly missed.
14:51Excuse me, may I say something?
14:54They shot him.
14:56You cannot have sadly missed.
15:04What does Madame suggest?
15:06He was brave.
15:08He died for France.
15:12Long live de Gaulle.
15:14Who?
15:16De Gaulle.
15:18You know, the one who scarpered.
15:20Oh, I've been doing so grandiose.
15:24There should be a poem.
15:27The rifle's fired.
15:29The bullet's hit.
15:31Oh, we shall miss that little man.
15:37And pray it didn't hurt a bit.
15:40Yes.
15:48That would be at 200 francs a letter 12,000 francs.
15:5212,000 francs?
15:54Just put to buy.
15:57I will pay.
15:59There is provision in the will.
16:00What will?
16:01I found it.
16:02It was in the secret drawer of the bureau in the dressing room of my mother.
16:06It leaves everything to me.
16:09I think there will very likely be another will.
16:13Well, now, it only remains for me to measure, if you will pardon me.
16:18The body.
16:20Oh, well, that is no problem.
16:22I am his twin brother.
16:23You can measure me.
16:24Monsieur, I am professional.
16:27We have our etiquette.
16:28If it ever leaked out that I measure you instead of the body,
16:32every undertaker in France would laugh.
16:35Ah, well, that would be unusual, I'm sure.
16:40Well, perhaps, before you measure, if you will pardon me, the body,
16:44you would like a cognac.
16:45Oh, that is most kind.
16:47Yvette.
16:50Edith, when Monsieur Alphonse has finished his cognac,
16:54show him the body in the office.
16:56But René...
16:57Er, René's body, that's right.
16:59Yes.
17:00Monsieur Alphonse, I am sure you will forgive me if I do not come with you.
17:02It is very difficult for me, you understand.
17:05Of course, of course, Monsieur.
17:06Yes.
17:08Sure.
17:27It is very difficult for you.
17:29It is very difficult for you.
17:44It is the unquiet spirit of my husband.
17:59Are we ready?
18:01I hope so.
18:13Sorry.
18:15Of course I have a bitch.
18:17I hope so.
18:31Madam?
18:37Madam?
18:54Pardon?
19:02Why does he have flour on his face?
19:06When he was arrested, he was making a roly-poly pudding.
19:12Just think, we will never see his roly-poly again.
19:34Before I go, I will need the signature of the brother-in-law.
19:42Where do you think he is at the moment?
19:45Oh, I do not know, but I am sure he will join us in the bar as soon as he
19:50can.
19:57Oh, I do not know.
20:04I do not know.
20:15I am sure he is at the moment.
20:20I am very proud of you.
20:25Are you finished?
20:28It is all done.
20:30How did he look?
20:32Terrible.
20:33Monsieur, monsieur.
20:35Of course.
20:39Thank you, sir.
20:45Oh, monsieur.
20:52Oh, I have left my tip, monsieur.
20:58We'll get it for you.
21:09Who's that?
21:10Don't open the door till I put the lid on.
21:14It's Michelle's resistance.
21:16What does she want?
21:18Well, how do I know?
21:19Open the door and find out.
21:23Quick, all of you, inside.
21:25What is happening?
21:27Last night, the picture of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies did not come by parachute.
21:31These did.
21:32They are being pursued by a German patrol.
21:34You must hide them for us.
21:35Well, what are they?
21:37Anti-tank mines.
21:39Treat them very gently.
21:41Keep a cool head.
21:42And if the Germans find them, you will be shut.
21:44Well, at these prices, I cannot afford another funeral.
21:48Well, we must go through the back.
21:52Well, where am I supposed to hide these?
21:55You will think of something.
21:57But hurry, the Germans may have seen us and her.
21:59Oh, German soldiers coming towards us.
22:02Oh, heck.
22:03Quick, in the coffin.
22:05Not you, these.
22:09What is all these bottles doing in the coffin of my husband?
22:13They are to make it heavy, so that when they lift it up, they think I am in it.
22:17Quick, the rest.
22:21Oh, wait till I put the lid on.
22:27What do you want?
22:29We demand anchorage.
22:30Stand aside.
22:32Why, you buzzery poor woman, in a time of grief.
22:36We are hunting members of the resistance, and they came in through this door.
22:41We thought they were customers, but they came straight through and out the back.
22:45Did you see their faces?
22:46No, we were busy doing the screwing.
23:01What's going on?
23:02What were the soldiers doing?
23:04They were following the resistance.
23:06René, you must stop seeing those people.
23:09If Herr Flick finds out, he will make you talk.
23:12And you might tell him about us.
23:13Oh, I...
23:14I would die before I did that, Colonel.
23:16I would try to arrange it.
23:19Now, did you put the weights in the coffin?
23:21Yes, Colonel, yes.
23:23Just finished, yes.
23:26Hans, the black bands.
23:29Are you coming to the funeral, Colonel?
23:31Of course.
23:32We were very fond of you.
23:37One word of warning.
23:39Herr Flick will be observing from the bushes.
23:42Make sure no members of the resistance are there.
23:45Oh, of course, Colonel.
23:47Thank you for telling me.
23:52What's that?
23:54I paid for the bells.
23:56All the whole village of Nouveau will come to pay their respects.
24:00How much did they cost?
24:02That was very cheap.
24:04A hundred francs, a bong.
24:05You are having fifty bongs.
24:10What is this?
24:13The choir.
24:15How much do they cost?
24:16Well, they said you would give them the usual,
24:19and then they giggled,
24:20so I didn't understand.
24:23They look very beautiful,
24:25standing there with their candles.
24:29I'd like this when my turn comes.
24:32Or even before.
24:35There was a munger boy.
24:38Shut up!
24:40What on earth is he doing here?
24:42He was five hundred francs.
24:44The real priest was three thousand.
24:47Good choice he did.
24:50We are gathered here
24:52to pay our respects
24:53to our good friend,
24:56Rene.
24:58One, two, three, four.
25:24Something is happening.
25:26We must move to a better position.
25:28The back of the car, Halfley?
25:29To observe the funeral.
25:49It's only an handful of my friend's ear.
25:52I thought you said the old village of Nuvion
25:54was turning out to mourn my passing.
25:56Nuvion rangers are playing away.
26:03Rene, hold on for my arm.
26:06Are you going to faint?
26:07No, I cannot see.
26:11Rene,
26:12do you think the resistance
26:13will be very cross with us
26:15because we are burying
26:15the anti-tank mines in a coffin?
26:17That is their funeral.
26:19This is mine.
26:21Do you think we should goose-step?
26:23No, Hans.
26:24That would be very poor taste.
26:27As bad enough,
26:28we have with us
26:28the man who shot.
26:30It was obeying orders.
26:32I was most upset
26:34as I uttered the word
26:36fire.
26:37I felt a complete rotter.
26:42This will do.
26:43They cannot see us here.
26:45You will bend over
26:46and touch your toes.
26:48What have you in mind, Halfley?
26:50I wish to steady my binoculars.
27:12What do you think?
27:26what is wrong hurry up who has the key the priest has the key not you the real
27:38please where is he he plays center off for the Nuvian Rangers what is the problem the priest has
27:52forgotten the key shall I shoot off the lock if it wasn't for you and your shooting we wouldn't
27:57be here in the first place can you all come back tomorrow I won't keep until tomorrow
28:26something very strange is happening what is that hair flick the coffin and all the mourners are
28:36heading in this direction
28:59should we move to another position no we are quite safe here
29:34so that was very amusing
29:39that's not so amusing
29:44so
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