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مسلسل Last Man Standing مترجم - Episode 9
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00:02Hey, Mike, you got any plans tonight?
00:05Oh, great man plans.
00:06Park myself in the den, watch a little ESPN,
00:09and I got some leftover brisket to make a sandwich out of.
00:11Yeah, nothing beats family, huh?
00:15You know, when you ask a question just to make conversation,
00:18you don't listen to the answer, do you?
00:20Yeah, me too.
00:24You're losing it, old man.
00:25Who are you calling old?
00:27Oh, that you heard.
00:29Age is just a state of mind, my friend.
00:31Is it really?
00:32Hey, you know that Civil War shotgun you have?
00:35Uh-huh.
00:35Did you buy that new?
00:36Yeah.
00:39Oh, yeah, the 1800s.
00:41That's around the last time you picked up a check.
00:45Boom.
00:45He got you, Mr. B.
00:47Hey, Kyle, is that a new haircut,
00:49or did Big Bird just crap on your head?
00:53Boom.
00:54Another good one.
00:56Except now my feelings are hurt.
00:59Toughen up, Ginger.
01:00Come on.
01:02You don't want Ed to like your hair.
01:04If he liked your hair, it would show that he didn't have respect for you.
01:07Come on.
01:07Come on, hit me.
01:08Yeah, come on.
01:09Give me your best shot.
01:09I don't even think I could.
01:10Oh, you can do it.
01:11Step up.
01:12Put your back into it.
01:13Look, I'll help you out.
01:13I'll start it off.
01:14Yep.
01:14Hey, Ed.
01:15Mm-hmm.
01:16Is that a beard, or...?
01:19Okay, uh...
01:21Just some hair on your face.
01:23Good one.
01:26I can't even look at him, Mike.
01:28I...
01:40Oh, Travis just tweeted that he's staying in tonight.
01:43Oh.
01:43He should tweet that he just set the world record for boring.
01:47Excuse me, my boyfriend isn't boring.
01:49What was his tweet before that?
01:51I like mittens.
01:55At least he's taking a stand on something.
01:59Hey, big night tonight.
02:00They are letting me close the diner.
02:02Forever?
02:03No, Mandy, when they close it forever, they use a grease fire and an insurance clamp.
02:09Oh, Mandy.
02:10What?
02:11Travis was just tagged in a photo with Lizzie Trotwine one minute ago.
02:14Can't be.
02:14I told you he's staying in tonight.
02:16Doesn't look like he's in.
02:17But he is enjoying that apple pie she's feeding him.
02:20Travis lied to me?
02:22On a wildly popular social network?
02:25I'm sure there's an explanation.
02:27Yeah.
02:28He's in love with Lizzie Trotwine.
02:29What?
02:31Oh, I don't understand.
02:32She has, like, freckles and glasses, but acts like she doesn't?
02:36Come on, Mandy.
02:37You're the first runner-up.
02:38Hold your head high.
02:42Hi.
02:43Hey.
02:47Are we having company?
02:48Yeah.
02:48Why didn't you call me?
02:49What would you have said?
02:50No.
02:52That's why I didn't call you.
02:54Tonight.
02:55Why, you have plans?
02:56Yeah, a date with ESPN and a plate of meat.
02:58Hmm.
03:05Too bad.
03:06A new couple moved into the house on the corner, and I met the wife while I was power walking,
03:10and we really hit it off.
03:12Yeah, it sounds more like power talking.
03:14No.
03:15I don't know.
03:28You guys would be doing your girly talk, and I got to deal with the guy that probably
03:32has a chiropractor that's a wizard.
03:34Let me show you on your back.
03:35Let me walk across your back.
03:37Oh, they're here.
03:38Do not eat your hors d'oeuvres.
03:40What are they here for?
03:44Hey, Rebecca.
03:45Hey, Vanessa.
03:46Welcome to our humble abode.
03:50Oh, you shouldn't have, but I'm glad you did.
03:54Come on in and meet my grumpy husband.
03:59Hi, Mike Baxter.
04:01Hi, Rebecca Haddon.
04:02Charlie's running a little late.
04:03Eh, lucky.
04:06Whenever there's anything on about football, submarines, or quicksand, Charlie has to rush
04:10home and record it.
04:12Yeah.
04:13Fast death by quicksand.
04:14I'm DVRing that myself.
04:15Oh, that's cool.
04:17You know, we've got to meet our neighbors more often.
04:19That's what I always say.
04:20We should meet our neighbors more often.
04:21We always fight about it.
04:24That'll be Charlie.
04:26I know what you're thinking.
04:26What kind of maniac rides a motorcycle at this time of year?
04:29My kind of maniac.
04:30I'll get it.
04:32Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:34Come on, keep it in your pants.
04:37Hey, Cher.
04:42I'll do my best.
04:46Charlie.
04:46Yeah.
04:48Of course.
04:54How do you possibly get banned from a hot dog cart?
04:57Look, when they start watering down their mustard, I have a civic duty to start screaming things
05:01at people.
05:02I would do the same thing.
05:03You do do the same thing.
05:04I won't go to the movies with her anymore because she's always yelling at the screen.
05:08I'm sorry, but when 20 bad guys are firing at Matt Damon and they all miss, I'm going
05:13to show up some profanity.
05:15What about this?
05:16He shoots 50 people, never reloads.
05:18I could sell a thousand of those guns.
05:20I'll tell you that.
05:22They think we're idiots.
05:23Yeah, it's insulting is what it is.
05:25You saw that movie twice.
05:26You even bought the DVD.
05:28I like being angry.
05:30There's no better feeling.
05:32All right, right.
05:32It's late.
05:33We should probably go.
05:34Oh, man.
05:34Well, this has been fun.
05:36This is nice.
05:36Yeah.
05:36Mike, I got to be honest.
05:37I really didn't want to come here tonight.
05:39There's nothing I dread more than meeting the neighbors.
05:42You're singing to the choir.
05:43Just because your lawn's touched doesn't mean you've got to be friends.
05:47Really?
05:48You two are bonding over how much you hate bonding?
05:52Vanessa, Charlie and I are going to the antique fair on Sunday.
05:55Oh, I'd love to go to that.
05:56Good.
05:57Now I don't have to.
05:59Listen, it's supposed to warm up this weekend, so while the ladies are perusing old crap,
06:04what do you say you drag out that bike you've been boasting about and see if you can keep
06:09up with me?
06:10All right.
06:11I'll lube up the chassis.
06:13Get the bike ready, too.
06:18Good times.
06:20So should Rebecca and I be jealous?
06:24No, the only man Charlie would cross over for is John Elway.
06:27Same with Mike.
06:30All right.
06:33You got it.
06:39Travis won't call me back.
06:40Well, technically, your message didn't say, call me back.
06:43It said, I hope you die.
06:47He knows that that means call me back.
06:50Oh, my God.
06:51I have an idea.
06:52Okay, guys.
06:52When Brittany and Justin broke up, what did he do?
06:55Hook up with what's-her-name?
06:56Before that.
06:56Hook up with what's-her-name?
06:57Before that.
06:58Hook up with what's-her-name!
07:00Everyone, shut up.
07:01No.
07:01He made Crimey River the single greatest revenge breakup video of all time.
07:06And that's our move.
07:08But he's Justin Timberlake.
07:09So what?
07:10We-we are the Inglorious Baxters.
07:13And we are going to make the new greatest revenge breakup video of all time.
07:17We?
07:17No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
07:19Do not drag me into this.
07:20Kristen, look at me.
07:21I will give you 20 hours of free babysitting.
07:24Let's shoot it right here in the diner.
07:26Hey, Eve, listen to me.
07:27I know you don't like to dance, but hear me out.
07:29Whoa.
07:30I do like to dance.
07:34Moving on.
07:36Travis wants pie, huh?
07:37Oh, I'm going to give him pie.
07:39Till he cries.
07:41The song will be called Pie Rat.
07:43Yes.
07:44Okay.
07:45We roll camera phones after closing.
07:46Vic gives me approximately 45 minutes to conceptualize, write, score, choreograph, the whole thing.
07:51It's not going to be easy.
07:52I'm not used to work of any kind.
07:54Do you need to go somewhere quiet?
07:56I don't even know.
08:01Something about that Charlie I like.
08:03Well, of course.
08:04She's exactly like you.
08:06It's not that.
08:07She's smart, insightful, and funny.
08:10Oh, I get your point.
08:14I just think it's kind of weird, you planning a whole day with another woman.
08:18I mean, it could barely get you to even come to our rehearsal dinner.
08:22What's to rehearse about dinner?
08:24You eat, you go home.
08:26And why is she any different than Philip at your office?
08:30No, no, no.
08:30You guys go shopping together.
08:31He's in the dressing room with you.
08:33No, it's different.
08:34It is.
08:35Why is it different?
08:36Why is it okay for women to have gay male friends and it's not the other way around?
08:39How come I can't have a gaggle of lesbians hanging around?
08:49I wish I could be a lesbian.
08:53It's not that hard.
08:58Well, what I mean is it must be nice to have a partner you can share your clothes with.
09:03When one talks, the second one really listens.
09:06And when the second one talks, the first one really listens.
09:08Boy, I could never be a lesbian.
09:14Okay, thank you so much.
09:16Yes, it's been such a pleasure waiting for you to leave.
09:20Eve, what are you doing?
09:22This is what real directors do.
09:25Okay, can you just turn the camera on?
09:27All right, places, everybody.
09:29Rehearsal.
09:30Now, remember, we are all waitresses.
09:32We all hate Travis.
09:33And we're all holding pies, yes?
09:35So just follow my lead and then we'll fix the rest into editing.
09:43Now, you break it down.
09:44Go.
09:49Apple, cherry, lemon meringue.
09:52I wake, I bake, I do my thing.
09:54Sad to say, I'll never take you back.
09:56So wave goodbye to my pie-rack.
10:00Per-pie-rack.
10:03My pie-rack.
10:05Per-pie-rack.
10:08P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pie-rack.
10:10Eve.
10:13What?
10:17Hey, Kyle.
10:18If your chest were more concave, we could fill it with birdseed.
10:23Good one, sir.
10:25Uh, say, Mr. Alzate.
10:26Yeah.
10:29Did you drive to work today or, and this is more likely, did you get chased here by dinosaurs?
10:41Kyle, you're by far the most in that ball buster I've ever met.
10:47Oh, no, you didn't.
10:56I'm looking forward to that ride with Charlie.
10:59Oh, you're fooling yourself, Mike.
11:01Come on.
11:01You cannot be friends with a woman.
11:05What are you talking about?
11:06We both have women friends.
11:08Not me.
11:09I have lovers.
11:13You make that word sound creepy.
11:17Lovers.
11:17Stop it.
11:20Besides, Charlie's actually more like a guy.
11:24Yeah?
11:24In what way?
11:25Because she likes women.
11:27Oh, I wasn't aware of her sapphic leanings.
11:31She's not leaning.
11:32She's tipped all the way over.
11:35No doubt to the great delight of her, lover.
11:39Shut up.
11:41Oh, your new friend has a predilection for the secret garden.
11:47Let's not judge, Ed.
11:49No, no, no.
11:49Live and let love is what I always say.
11:52But watch out, Mike.
11:54She may seem like sniffs and snails and puppy dog tails, but inside a woman is still a woman.
11:59Thank you, Billy Joel.
12:01I'm just saying they're a different animal from us.
12:04How are you?
12:04The way they think, the way they move, their generosity as...
12:07Hey, hey, hey, don't say it, please.
12:09Lovers.
12:12Py-rack.
12:14Py-r-rack.
12:16My py-rack.
12:19Py-r-rack.
12:21Py-r-rack.
12:22Py-r-rack.
12:23Ow.
12:27Hey, Mama.
12:28Look at the three of you working on a project together.
12:31Just like when you were little girls on a rainy day.
12:34What you working on?
12:36Uh, we're cyberbullying.
12:41Okay, well, just clean up after yourselves when you're done.
12:45Oh, there goes Dan.
12:47Off to meet his new girlfriend.
12:48Which reminds me, I gotta go pick up mine.
12:51We're going antiquing.
12:52Well, that sounds fun.
12:53Yeah, doesn't it?
12:54No.
12:57Do you guys think Rebecca and Charlie ever fight?
13:00Or do they just talk and share for hours and agree on things and wander around farmers markets?
13:10Mom, are you jealous of lesbians?
13:14No.
13:15Oh, no, honey, I've made my choices, and I am stuck with them.
13:27So, how did my exhaust taste?
13:30Better than those sandwiches you made a stop for.
13:32Those are sandwiches, those are paninis.
13:34Paninis?
13:35I think that's the gayest thing I've ever heard.
13:40That's just because you're a sore loser.
13:41Oh, please, I let you pass me.
13:44Hey, sort of a senior discount.
13:48Speaking of discount, that leather jacket's nice.
13:51I didn't know that Goodwill had a gay section.
13:54Oh, that's what?
13:57See, that's how lesbians laugh when they think something's not funny.
14:01If you're thirsty, let's watch a little bit of the Bronco game.
14:04Read my mind.
14:05Now, seriously, why do you think my bike's getting loose on the corners?
14:09Well, with your low center of gravity, you should be carving up those turns.
14:13What does that mean?
14:15Well, you've heard of junk in the trunk.
14:17You've got a whole garage sale going on back there.
14:21You think I have a big butt?
14:22It's bigger than this one down here.
14:26I think I'm going to go.
14:28Well, the game's going to start in like 20 minutes.
14:30No, that's all right.
14:32I don't want to take up too much space on your couch.
14:35Oh, come on.
14:36Take a shot.
14:36I was just kidding around.
14:38See you later.
14:41This is what straight guys look like when they're real uncomfortable.
14:53Mike, what did you say to Charlie?
14:58Oh, I might have intimated that she's got a big caboose.
15:02What?
15:02You know, we were just taking shots at each other.
15:05I was treating her like one of the guys.
15:06She is not one of the guys.
15:08I mean, there is not a woman in the world who would think that's funny.
15:10I know that now.
15:13Do you have any idea what it is like to come back from a day of antiquing with your new
15:17friend
15:18and find her partner crying in her motorcycle clothes on the front porch?
15:23No, I do not.
15:26Well, it's weird.
15:30Yeah, now Rebecca's mad at me because Charlie's mad at you,
15:33and I'm mad at you because Rebecca's mad at me,
15:36so you need to fix things with Charlie so that Rebecca and I can be okay.
15:41Why didn't she go inside to cry?
15:45Really?
15:46And that's your takeaway?
15:55Mike backs her outdoor, man.
15:57Reminding you that winter hunting brings off winter's best friend, hypothermia.
16:01So watch out.
16:02Dress yourself well and down-filled coats you can buy at our store.
16:05You've got gloves that look like aliens like this.
16:08You've got fiber fill.
16:09You know what?
16:10The best defense against winter?
16:12Thick skin.
16:14Let me explain.
16:15You want to know the gender of the animals out there?
16:18Mention the size of their rear ends.
16:20A lot of junk in that trunk.
16:22See the one turning and charging me?
16:24Got to be the female.
16:28That's right.
16:28When did they get so sensitive about their rumps?
16:31A wide ride used to mean fertility.
16:33That's right.
16:33Yeah.
16:34We domesticated the ass, what, 3,000 years ago?
16:37But you better not mention the size of an ass
16:39unless it's carrying your gold back from the mine.
16:42You think it's cold out here?
16:44Wait till I get home.
16:54Oh, how's your new gal, pal, Mikey?
16:59Not so good.
17:01I said something wrong and she snapped.
17:03I told you.
17:04But she tricked me.
17:06I thought it was a man in the shape of a woman.
17:08Turns out to be a woman in the shape of a woman.
17:13Just because she likes women doesn't make her less of one.
17:16Well, it ought to.
17:19Yeah, what, what?
17:20Mr. Ozate, your doctor called
17:22and you're late for your prostate exam.
17:25By 35 years.
17:31You know, you're really getting the hang of it now.
17:35No, I don't think you're hearing me right.
17:37Oh, you're on fire, man.
17:39Come on.
17:40No.
17:40Hey, Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, take the victory.
17:47Well, Travis saw the video and now he wants me back.
17:50He left me one, two, three, four, five crying messages,
17:53which are all available as audio downloads on my homepage.
17:58So, how does it feel to clear your life of men?
18:01Awesome.
18:01You know, I think this will be good for me,
18:03like a time of focus and self-renewal.
18:06Wow, that's a whole new side to you.
18:08Ooh, 400 boys posted comments?
18:10And there's the old side.
18:13All right, I'm going to the movies with Kyle.
18:15And I am going to go on a first date with Dylan Damacek.
18:18Oh, no, no, no, Seth Thornton.
18:19Manny Thornton.
18:20Ooh, no, no, no, Boyd Baxter.
18:21Oh, who's he?
18:22Uh, my son, your nephew, and the kid you promised you'd babysit tonight.
18:25He will want you to read this book 20 to 30 times.
18:30Come on, I don't want to stay in a night.
18:32Oh, my God, so many hot guys are poking me right now.
18:41Are you trying to kill me?
18:44Maddie, it's an expression.
18:45But a terrible one.
18:47Has anyone pulled me?
18:49Could we?
18:55Oh, what do you have there?
18:57An apology gift.
18:58I'm going to go over to Charlie's and try to smooth things out with her.
19:00Oh, well, you never give me a gift when you apologize.
19:03I would go broke.
19:06It's a little skull and crossbones keychain.
19:08I'll go with her bandana.
19:10Do you think she'll like it?
19:11I don't know.
19:12We're in some weird territory here.
19:15Want me to go with you?
19:16No.
19:17It's one of those times in life that a man has to apologize to a lesbian by himself.
19:24Don't try to joke your way out of it.
19:25Just say, I'm sorry, and get out of there as quickly as possible.
19:28All right, just like our honeymoon.
19:31Yeah.
19:32Maybe she'll just write a note.
19:35I'll be back with...
19:36Oh, hey, I was just coming over to your house.
19:38Oh, can I come in?
19:39Yeah, please.
19:40Thanks.
19:43Listen, sometimes I forget that there's ways of connecting that don't involve insults.
19:48Actually, I came to say I'm sorry.
19:50You're sorry?
19:51Yeah.
19:52I overreacted.
19:53Rebecca reminded me that if I'm going to hang out with a guy and dish it out,
19:56that I've got to be willing to take it.
19:58Having said that, if you so much as mention my ass again, I will clock you.
20:02I get it.
20:03I get it.
20:04Hey.
20:04Time for me?
20:05Yeah.
20:05Oh, thanks.
20:06Do you have time for a beer?
20:07No, I'll take a rain check.
20:09I've got to get back to the ball and chain.
20:11Oh, Rebecca, huh?
20:12No.
20:12Our new toy therapist thinks we need to bring the surprise back to our romance.
20:17You know what I mean?
20:47My favorite flavor, boys and Mary Bliss, as a matter of fact.
20:51Cause ain't nothing sweeter than Mandy's Pie Rack.
20:55My Pie Rack.
20:58My Pie Rack.
21:00My Pie Rack.
21:02Pie Rack.
21:05Ow.
21:08Well, well, well.
21:11You have done the impossible.
21:13You've ruined pie for me.
21:23Wacky, wacky, wacky, wacky.
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