- 4 days ago
Top Gear Ambitious But Rubbish S01E06
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00:23Hello and welcome to Top Gear Ambitious But Rubbish, a series of disasters on a scale from,
00:28oh dear, that's not quite worked out, almost all the way to, and do the doctors think, the finger will
00:33grow back?
00:43Whoa! Maniac! That's bad, that's bad.
00:47Oh! Oh no, you're going!
00:50Oh!
00:51Whoa!
00:51Whoa!
00:55We start this programme with car interiors.
00:58Which we agreed are rather boring.
01:01So boring that one of us had enough and decided to do something about it.
01:05Unfortunately, that one of us was Jeremy.
01:13What I did was buy an old Mercedes S-Class, which inside is pretty much the same as the new
01:19one.
01:20Nasty leather and nasty, nasty wood.
01:24And now I'm going to try and change everything.
01:26I mean, how hard can it be?
01:33To find out, I've come to London to see Marie Laurent's Camara Ferguson, who's like Laurence Llewellyn Bowen.
01:39Only she's French and a girl.
01:42Hi.
01:43Hello, Jeremy. Nice to meet you.
01:44Yeah.
01:45Even so, we had pretty much the same ideas about what's wrong with modern car interiors.
01:50To me, the interiors of cars in general nowadays are extremely boring, very masculine.
01:56It's not geared towards being a pleasurable environment.
02:01Everyone these days, right, we'll build a luxury car, that's just a massive gadget.
02:04Exactly.
02:05Is Dixon's a luxury place to go?
02:07You know, you need a tactile environment, and we can use materials such as fabrics, such as wallpaper, and surround
02:15parts.
02:15Sadly, though, while we agreed on what was wrong, we didn't really agree on what materials should be used to
02:21put things right.
02:22We've got aluminium, we've got NASA, we've got liquid floor tiles.
02:27Interesting, though, all your theories are, it's not quite what I want.
02:31So what do you want?
02:32I want it to be like my house.
02:36Is your house very stylish?
02:38No.
02:39I mean, you can mark, OK, and you probably will.
02:42Instead of normal seats, wing-back chairs, I want a stone-flag floor.
02:47Why not have a wood-burning stove?
02:49Yes.
02:50Quaint my ride.
02:52You want...
02:52Marie agreed to try a few things out, saying she'd meet me at a workshop in a week's time.
02:58OK, see you soon. Bye-bye.
03:00Get to work.
03:05Bye-bye.
03:07Unfortunately, when we met up, it quickly became apparent that Marie had completely ignored my ideas and designed a vodka
03:13bar.
03:14This is what I have.
03:17What I have done is that I have actually created a little pod, which is for the drivers.
03:22On that side, on the passenger side, you've got a piece of glass which can convert.
03:27It's an electric glass which can become opaque.
03:29If the actual aim of the design is to create some relaxation mood, it's actually possible to get space on
03:36another.
03:36Tweed doesn't go with it.
03:38Oh, dear.
03:38Yuck.
03:39Sorry, that I have to...
03:40No, you can't.
03:41But Jeremy, your doll's house is going to become a massive fire.
03:45I want wing-backs and I want a stone floor.
03:50I left Marie to have a rethink and went to meet the builders.
03:54How many of you are Polish?
03:56No.
03:56You're Polish?
03:57Yeah.
03:57You're Polish.
03:58Good.
03:59Have you done a car before?
04:00No.
04:02No?
04:02No.
04:03Like small bathrooms.
04:05Small bathrooms.
04:06Not cars.
04:06Think of it like that, but we don't need a bath putting in it.
04:08The first job was to strip the murk of its plastic wood and ruched leather.
04:13I've got a good mind to go around to the boss of Mercedes Benz, to his house, and see if
04:18he's got any of that in it.
04:19I know you're not happy, but you're designing the sort of thing I'm after, and that's important.
04:24This is not design.
04:25This is brilliant.
04:26I'm executing something silly here.
04:28It's not silly.
04:29It's a doll's house.
04:30No.
04:31How old are you, Amy?
04:32Nine.
04:33Really?
04:34Going on five?
04:35Yes, I'm nine.
04:35I know I don't look nine.
04:36I am nine.
04:37I've had an idea, OK?
04:38We'll try it my way first, and then we'll finish.
04:43Meanwhile, the Poles had found a problem with my intended location for the wood-burning stove.
04:49Is that the petrol tank?
04:50Your scheme is not going to work in this.
04:52I mean, hello.
04:52Let's be realistic.
04:53We have to move the petrol tank.
04:55We'll make a smaller petrol tank.
04:57That can't be very difficult.
04:59And then put it in the front passenger footwell.
05:02He's a real rust beast.
05:03I mean, with all due respect.
05:05He has no idea about design, though.
05:07Absolutely no idea.
05:14Finally, the centre console and all the seats were where they belonged, in a skim.
05:19So the problem we've got is that the floor at the back is raised.
05:24It's higher than the floor at the front.
05:25So where are we going to get a wing-back chair that's only two feet tall?
05:29It doesn't work.
05:30Your scheme does not work.
05:31No!
05:31This is why you gave in in the wall.
05:33Oh, it's too difficult.
05:35This is much, this is what the British do.
05:37The scheme is more...
05:38Oh, no, no, no, no.
05:38It's what we do.
05:39We see a problem and we think, how do we get around that?
05:42Ask them.
05:42They're Polish.
05:43It's just an idea.
05:43Marie felt car interior design should be done in a studio, but I was determined.
05:48What we needed was a builder's yard.
05:50This is what I'm talking about.
05:55A cement mixer.
05:57Forget your welding, forget your plastic and your poppers.
06:00Some cement and some plasterboard.
06:05The cement would form a base for my stone flag floor.
06:09And while it was being mixed, I introduced Marie to a builder's lunch.
06:13What do you mean?
06:14What's the matter with chips with vinegar on them?
06:16Oh, this is vile.
06:17I mean, that is revolting.
06:18That is really revolting.
06:19The cement was finally ready.
06:23All this concrete together, level, is going to be too tight.
06:28Right, well, let's see how well this car's made then.
06:30Pour away.
06:31And I'll watch the tire explode.
06:36Next, the door panels.
06:37And of course, Marie wanted something from the planet Zarg.
06:41This is fantastic.
06:42It comes in different colours.
06:44Jeremy, please, a little bit of style.
06:46But she lost that battle as well.
06:48This is going to be hideous.
06:50You realise that.
06:51Oh, I'm sorry.
06:52What's the matter with plaster?
06:53Oh, yes, but what you want to do with it is going to be hideous.
06:56When you hear this, just hear Agincourt.
06:58That's all you need to hear.
07:00This is a joke.
07:01That's not design.
07:02This is set design.
07:03Honestly.
07:04I mean, I would hate to see this house.
07:05I can imagine his parents having quite a lot of trouble with him as a child, and again today, because
07:10he hasn't grown much, has he?
07:12With Anglo-French relations at an all-time low, it looked like the car would never actually be finished.
07:19But it was, and here it is.
07:22Yep.
07:24Welcome to Anne Hathaway's cottage.
07:31As you can see, I've got a wooden floor in the front, and in the back, I've gone for stone
07:36flags.
07:37While we're there, we've got the log store, the wood-burning stove.
07:41There's a little bookcase with a globe on the top.
07:44Here's my wing-back.
07:45I found one that fitted.
07:47And, of course, all the furniture is fully adjustable, like that.
07:51This one, you see, goes forwards and back.
07:54And this is a really nice touch.
07:56I think that.
07:57It is a work of genius, this.
07:59I mean, normally, everything I do on Top Gear either ends up in a hedge or at the bottom of
08:05a lake, but I really am properly proud of that.
08:08Yes.
08:10Well, to find out if his creation worked, we thought we'd take it out for a little test drive.
08:18Right, then.
08:21Adjust my seat.
08:24Right, you ready?
08:25Yes, I'm ready.
08:26Go.
08:28Yeah, that's...
08:29That's a design flaw.
08:31Yeah, that is a problem.
08:32Hang on.
08:32Stop.
08:32Why don't you go in the back?
08:33I'm going to go in the back.
08:40Now, obviously, Jeremy had added quite a lot of weight to the car, so how would it affect performance?
08:47So, this was a 2.8 litre, six-cylinder, 0-60, about 11 seconds.
08:52With a concrete floor and floorboards on top of that, it's going to take longer than that.
08:57Well, I brought a stopwatch.
08:59Three.
08:59Yes.
09:00Two.
09:00Yes.
09:01One.
09:01Yes.
09:01Go.
09:03Plant pots are over.
09:04Yeah.
09:05Flower arrangements sliding backwards quickly.
09:07McGlough, McCotts, McClan's.
09:09We're approaching 35 miles an hour.
09:13This is the fastest Anne Hathaway's cottage has ever been.
09:1743 miles an hour.
09:18Good.
09:19Yes.
09:22If this gets any slower, we'll have to redecorate.
09:24It'll have gone out of fashion.
09:25Oh, no.
09:25What?
09:26The chimney's fallen off.
09:27You're joking.
09:28Keep going.
09:28I am.
09:2956 miles an hour.
09:32Hold on.
09:3259.
09:3460 miles an hour.
09:3535.4 seconds.
09:38I'm going to have to brake fairly firm.
09:39Oh.
09:41Whoa.
09:44Having retrieved the chimney, we checked out the electrical systems.
09:50It's stuck.
09:54Reverse gear.
09:57Brake lights.
09:59Brake lights.
10:00They're on!
10:01They're not!
10:02Well, the brakes are on!
10:04Well, the brake lights aren't working.
10:06That's an MOT failure.
10:08It's more than that, mate.
10:10The wire for the brake lights is on the floor, isn't it?
10:16Ah, under the concrete.
10:17Yes.
10:18He's concreted that in.
10:21Never mind.
10:22Time to turn up the heater and test the handling.
10:26We must now do a lap.
10:27Three, two, one.
10:30Go!
10:34My seat's going back.
10:37Right, Ted, coming up.
10:39Braced.
10:40Now turning.
10:43Yeah, that's bad now.
10:45That's bad.
10:46That's bad, that wasn't.
10:50James.
10:51Yes.
10:52Hammerhead's next.
10:53Oh, no.
10:55Turning in.
10:56Turning.
11:01Regain control of the cottage.
11:03No!
11:04It's OK.
11:04The potpourri, man.
11:05OK.
11:08Yeah, I'm bleeding quite a lot.
11:11James, I can see double.
11:13It's left now.
11:14Yeah.
11:14Now.
11:16Oh, yeah.
11:18That went well.
11:19That went well.
11:23And, er, we're nearly there.
11:24And, er, we're nearly there.
11:24Way through the garage.
11:25Oh!
11:26Oh!
11:28Oh!
11:29It's fine!
11:32Do you know what?
11:33What?
11:34This is rubbish.
11:35Terrible.
11:36It really was.
11:38It really was.
11:38Anyway, onwards and downwards to stretched limos, which always seem to be based on American cars.
11:43Why can't they be built on cars we normally drive in Britain?
11:47We wondered.
11:48All you've got to do is cut one down the middle and lengthen it a bit.
11:51That's not difficult.
11:52Or is it?
11:56This is what I'm going to base my limo on.
11:59Yes, it's a 1993 one litre Fiat Panda CLX.
12:06Now, the interesting thing about this car is that under the bonnet it doesn't have an engine.
12:10What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald.
12:15And if Gerald runs round his wheel really very, very fast, he'll get me from 0 to 60 in 18
12:21seconds.
12:24Don't worry, though.
12:25There's method in my madness.
12:29Why start off with a big car when you're going to make it big anyway?
12:33And why have a big, thirsty engine when you're going to spend most of your time in town doing ten
12:37miles an hour?
12:38And if you put your foot down, everyone in the back is going to spill their pomade.
12:55You're thinking, there goes Captain Sloan, and I expect he'll do a really good job of turning it into a
13:01limousine because, let's face it, he's a bit boring.
13:08You cannot even begin to comprehend the bounds of my forthcoming genius.
13:20For my limo, I've thought a bit laterally.
13:24It's an MGF.
13:26Which, as you've probably noticed, is a two-seater at the moment.
13:30Because what I plan to create here is, quite possibly, the world's first mid-engined roadster limousine.
13:42Nobody's done it before, and I don't understand why not.
13:45Why shouldn't hen knights have that wind-in-the-hair, open-top thrill?
13:56So, we'd all got our cars, and we'd all found people who were going to help us turn them into
14:01limos.
14:06This is the very same workshop where we made our convertible people carrier.
14:11And that worked.
14:15This job, though, would require much more precision.
14:19Right, where are my hammers?
14:25Meanwhile, at my workshop, my genius plan was to make the Saab with a second car.
14:32And here it is.
14:33It's an Alfa Romeo 164 3-litre V6.
14:38And I know it seems odd, but think about it.
14:40No-one ever said that the two ends of a stretch limo had to come from the same car.
14:47I'd picked some motorsport specialists to help with the sports limo.
14:52There are a few concerns, largely because the engine is pretty much at the back.
14:58So, all things like these radiator pipes and the gearbox linkage from the front to the back and the throttle
15:04controls, they're all going to have to be sort of made longer.
15:11Right, this is the really clever bit.
15:12Although the Saab and the Alfa look very different, underneath they've got the same floor pan.
15:17And more importantly, as my centre lines show, the wheelbase is exactly the same.
15:21It'll be sensible and Swedish at one end and fiery and Italian at the back.
15:26It is a Salfa Romea Arb.
15:31Here's a Top Gear top tip.
15:33Rent one of these, 35 quid a day.
15:36For someone you don't like very much, cut their car in half.
15:41My first job was to cut all the pipes leading to the engine.
15:44Oh, that went really, really well.
15:48There. That's disconnected.
15:51When do you think you're going to be cutting it in half?
15:53I'm not going to get into a cutting in half competition with you, though, because I know exactly what you're
15:57going to do.
15:58What am I going to do?
15:59Make a mess of it.
16:01Oh, that's not a good time.
16:04Hello?
16:05Hamster.
16:07Yes?
16:08How's it going?
16:10Really well, actually.
16:11Do you know what James has got?
16:13Yeah.
16:13A Saab?
16:15No, he's got an Alfa.
16:16No, it's a Saab.
16:17No, it's an Alfa. He's got an Alfa.
16:18But he definitely told me he'd got a Saab.
16:20So he doesn't know what car he's got.
16:22He doesn't even know what he's bought.
16:24Is it true that Jeremy's bought a Fiat Panda?
16:27Yeah.
16:28I mean, if you were going to make a stretch car, why would you start with a Fiat Panda?
16:32You can stretch it a mile and it's still only going to be as big as a normal car.
16:35Well, have you met Jeremy Clarkson?
16:36Big tall fella, curly hair, idiot.
16:39That's your answer, really, isn't it?
16:43Finally, it was time to cut our cars in half.
16:46What are you doing?
16:48Cut it in half!
16:51That's halfway, mate. That's about halfway. I'm not going to measure it.
16:54Where are you going to put your seat?
16:56Where's all the strength?
16:58Okay.
16:59It's all right, I can weld that bit up.
17:02Inevitably, James was being scientific about the project
17:05and was sawing his car in half using a plasma cutter.
17:09Now, watch this.
17:18I do know what I'm doing. I've made a bit of plate
17:20and I'm going to weld it over the little hole there
17:24and you'll never know the difference.
17:27By using patience and maths to make my limo, I was doing a damn sight better than Hammond.
17:35Bad. Bad thing. Sorry. It's locked. I can't get in.
17:38The car's burning down before I've even built it. That's bad. That's bad.
17:44Jeremy had similar problems and couldn't even understand how the fire extinguisher worked.
17:49I've got to put these up my safety pins.
17:53That's fire.
18:04Eventually, the fires were put out and by tea time, Richard's car was in half.
18:09There it is.
18:11Shortly afterwards, mine was unconjoined as well.
18:16Behold!
18:18The broken car.
18:20And with James's Saab predictably still in one piece,
18:24I decided to make sure that, mechanically at least,
18:27my little Fiat had survived the operation.
18:30And I'm delighted to say it had.
18:32No!
18:36No!
19:00Well, here it is. My sports limo. Proof that style does not have to be slow.
19:09It is genius. This time, once and for all, I am going to win. I shall be victorious.
19:23Oh. My. God.
19:47It's a giant panda.
19:50Never before bred in captivity.
19:53That is a big panda.
19:55It is.
19:56It is.
19:57Because this is an economical limo.
19:59One litre engine.
20:0040 to the gallon.
20:01It's...
20:02Can we just... Do you mind?
20:03It's my sports limo, mate.
20:04The first thing I saw, obviously, was the spoiler.
20:07It's proportional to the car.
20:09You need Dan Forster here, then, in this?
20:11No, but it's part of the image and image is everything.
20:13Can I also say you blow roof?
20:15I have.
20:15Ahem.
20:19That's it!
20:21Well, it was complicated.
20:22That's it!
20:23There is a gap.
20:24There are tolerances here.
20:25You can only work to so much.
20:29Then May turned up and boy, we'll be in for a shock.
20:35Hang on.
20:35Ta-da.
20:38Now, that...
20:39That I didn't expect.
20:40I'm confused.
20:41Well, can I just explain?
20:43It's all about choice, OK?
20:45At the front, it's a sensible Swedish Saab 9000.
20:50And at the front, it's a sporty and stylish Italian Alfa Romeo.
20:54What kind of paint thinner were you sniffing when you thought of this?
20:58That theme, style, sensibleness, Sweden, Italy,
21:02I've continued that on the inside because at this end, it is a sauna.
21:08Does it work?
21:09No.
21:09And at the other end, are you ready?
21:12It is...
21:17The Sistine Chapel.
21:22Can you drive it both ways?
21:24Yes.
21:24Both cars?
21:25That's the brilliant thing about it.
21:26Because what is the problem with a limousine?
21:28What?
21:28Maneuverability.
21:29No, I'm fine on that.
21:30He may have an issue.
21:31No, you haven't, you see.
21:32It's very thin.
21:35Our first task was to test out each other's cars.
21:38And we began with the Panda's brilliant passenger entry system.
21:43Have you two never seen The Great Escape?
21:45I mean, it's perfectly straightforward.
21:47Look.
21:48Look at this pulley.
21:50You lie on this, OK?
21:52And Britney Spears is going to do that, yeah?
21:54This is ideal, really, for people who used to be miners.
21:58I thought you had sniffed thinners making that.
22:02James offered to join me in the back.
22:05Here he comes.
22:05It's an ingenious solution to a problem that should never have existed in the first place.
22:11Next, I introduced Hammond to the in-car communications.
22:15There's an intercom system, and it's hands-free.
22:19So if you put that thing round your neck, it's like a one-man band thing, so it's legal.
22:24This isn't the most elegant thing.
22:25I have literally thought of everything.
22:28Right, I'm pulling away.
22:29Hold on tight.
22:30Give me the beam.
22:38You'll notice, you swing around, it doesn't have quite that same responsiveness.
22:44I'm running out of runway!
22:46Oh, no, I'm...
22:48I'm sorry.
22:50I'm on the field a bit.
22:52You see, the flex takes some of the jolting out of it.
22:56What have you done?
22:58You've gone over a runway light, you blithering idiot!
23:01What if you make a car a mile long? It's only my fault!
23:05Even on our 160-foot wide runway, manoeuvrability was an issue.
23:11But we did at least find a new way of speeding up my passenger entry and exit system.
23:16Here we go.
23:17Brittany Clarkson is leaving the car.
23:19Okay, we're arriving. I'll break.
23:25You've got... It's an all over carpet burn!
23:28How am I going to explain this to my wife?
23:32Next, we tried James' Alf farm.
23:35James? Yeah?
23:36Bit of an issue I've got here.
23:38What?
23:39Headroom.
23:40There's loads of it. What's your problem?
23:41He's put a sauna in this end and he's put it on the roof.
23:46Your beer fountain?
23:48Yes.
23:48They're just making me want to pee.
23:52But as problems go, that was nothing.
23:57No, don't pull that.
23:59Oh, my God, what's happening?
24:02Hammond's unlocked the steering.
24:04Sorry!
24:05You're wronging, you idiot.
24:06Stop, stop!
24:08To try and regain control of the rear, Hammond dive for the wheel of the Alpha.
24:13Pull that way. Is that helping?
24:15I'll go the other way. Hang on.
24:18Oh, my God!
24:22Oh, my God!
24:23I saw that!
24:24Oh, my God!
24:27James, stop!
24:28How the hell?
24:29You pair of utter pillocks.
24:31You've ruined my car.
24:32If I was driving it like a limousine and you two weren't just being yobbos trying to break everything,
24:38that wouldn't happen.
24:40The engineering in James' limo hadn't fared well.
24:44So, time to try out Hammond's convertible.
24:48Where is the heater?
24:50Well, that is a problem because the engine, of course, is at the back and the pipes are...
24:55It hasn't got one.
24:56You're the stupidest man I've ever met.
24:57I'll tell you what, though.
24:58Your car's rubbish.
24:59I'll tell you what, though.
25:00You've got the roof up, then.
25:02Mind your head, mind your head, mind your head.
25:04Oh, you see?
25:05It's no better with the roof up!
25:08If anything, it catches the breeze, I think.
25:11Oh, that's gone!
25:12That does happen.
25:13How do I tell James to slow down?
25:15Oh, that's brilliant. We call him on this.
25:19What?
25:20Tell him to slow down.
25:21Could you slow down a little, please, driver?
25:23James?
25:24Yes, what do you want?
25:25Can you see us?
25:26Yes.
25:27Yeah, very funny.
25:30To warm up a bit, Hammond suggested we try some of his onboard sports equipment.
25:36There you go.
25:39Yes!
25:41The other thing that Hammond has done is that he's fixed the seat in his drive...
25:46Ow!
25:51With our test drives over, it was time for the challenges to begin.
25:56Not all limo drivers are drug dealers.
25:59Not all limos are used for hen nights.
26:01Some have to be used for transporting political figures who may be attacked at any time.
26:06Your cars, then, should be nimble and fast enough to get out of tricky spots.
26:10Well, that's you in trouble, isn't it?
26:13For the first challenge, you arrive at a roadblock.
26:16The other two presenters are there, armed with paintball guns.
26:20How many hits can they score before you've done a J-turn and got away?
26:25He's in a conversable.
26:27Oh, no! I hadn't done that!
26:31I was first to drive into the jaws of death.
26:43Oh, no! A pathetic roadblock!
26:46Now, a J-turn. You reverse at high speed, brake, spin the wheel, and, as the front slews round, you
26:53slam it into first and roar away.
26:56And, must be honest, the panda wasn't much good.
27:05It's actually quite tiring, isn't it?
27:07Yeah, it's just on the trigger finger.
27:10I may be getting shot a few times now.
27:16Ah!
27:17Yeah, quite a lot.
27:19Yeah, you may have...
27:20I mean, you could get more paint on it if you used a brush.
27:23With my panda having set the bar pretty low, the convertible went next.
27:30I hope you don't mind the bars, but there is no room.
27:32I hope we don't meet any terrorists.
27:35Oh, no! Terrorists!
27:40Don't you enjoy your turn, mate?
27:42The speed was good. The protection, not so good.
27:50I got shot in the head.
27:52Well, I got one there and one there.
27:54Did it hurt?
27:55Yes. Like a... you know.
27:57Like a word you can't...
27:58Like a paintball in the head, yes.
28:00Unfortunately, I suspect...
28:01I think I've beaten you.
28:02You have beaten me.
28:04Right, James.
28:06Good luck.
28:06Good luck.
28:09Instead of doing the tricky J-turn, I planned to get into the alpha end and reverse away forwards.
28:14Ah!
28:16But that idea did have a flaw.
28:28In fact, it had two flaws.
28:32Out of the wheel, oh!
28:39Oh, look!
28:41And I noticed you aimed at my gentleman's area.
28:44That was shuffing agony.
28:46There is far more on you than on your car.
28:49Yeah, well, so in that case...
28:51No.
28:52I've won't.
28:52No, hang on, the rules said...
28:54In every situation, you'd be thinking,
28:55never mind, at least my car's not got paint on it.
28:58The rules said hits on the car, not hits on the wedding vegetables.
29:03It was time for the next challenge.
29:05I just hope that that was the end of the evasive driving stuff.
29:09Evasive driving part two.
29:13It's a test of nippiness against the clock.
29:16You break out from a terrorist trap,
29:18slalom down the runway between strategically placed cars belonging to members of the public,
29:22which you may not hit,
29:23steer around the stinger at the hammerhead,
29:25and pull up once you're out of range of the water cannon.
29:29The what?
29:32With manoeuvrability being the key to every aspect of this challenge,
29:36James was feeling confident.
29:38What's this?
29:40Oh!
29:41Oh!
29:43Oh, my God.
29:44Nobody's still unlocked now.
29:46How is he going to do with a slalom?
29:48It's not going to help at all.
29:54It's the hammerhead.
29:56The water cannon kicked in to make missing the stinger even harder.
30:05Easy victory.
30:06Well, maybe not.
30:09My sports limo was like a greyhound out of the trap.
30:13Oh, wheels spinning everything!
30:17Well, that looks quite good.
30:18I can't really see Kofi Annan ever having got into it in the first place.
30:25It's the stinger next.
30:26No, hang on, it's the water thief first.
30:35Convertible.
30:36As it turns out, not the best idea.
30:41The panda broke out with ease.
30:44Yeah!
30:45Rock and roll!
30:50How's he going to do this slalom?
30:52This is going to be...
30:53Looking good.
30:55He's going to have to take the world's most enormous route!
30:59Oh, don't try it out now.
31:03Oh, no, I'm not going to make it.
31:05No, that is such a poor idea.
31:08Oh, no.
31:09Oh, there's some smoke coming out of it.
31:12Oh, doesn't that break your heart?
31:14Yeah.
31:15Yeah, the clock's still running.
31:17My limo had become bogged down.
31:20But the film crew kindly pushed me out.
31:22And I was on my way again.
31:25No, you can squirt it as much as you like.
31:33Sadly, I hit the stinger.
31:35Which punctured the tyres, and then worse, my engine died.
31:43Oh, no, you're going!
31:46No!
31:48No!
31:59Before being allowed on the road,
32:01we showed each of our cars had to face a government inspection
32:03to make sure they were road legal.
32:06Hammond sailed through no problem at all,
32:09and so, amazingly, did Mays.
32:12Me, though, I had a problem.
32:16For some extraordinary reason,
32:18the rules say you can't drive a 46-foot car on the public highway,
32:22so I had to do some surgery.
32:26I've had to lock seven feet out of the middle.
32:29It has affected rear legroom a little bit,
32:31but it is now quite nippy,
32:32because it's only eight feet longer than a bus.
32:40For my pick-up, I had to go to a hotel in Chelsea
32:43to collect a Brit nominee called Lamar.
32:48Hello.
32:50Mr Lamar.
32:52My name's May. I'm your chauffeur for the day.
32:54OK.
32:55This is your car.
32:57It's an Alfa Saab.
33:01Meanwhile, I'd been sent to EMI Records in West London.
33:06It's just got a bit dented.
33:08There's a little polish there.
33:10Everyone's a critic.
33:12And my VIP pick-up was R&B star, Jamelia.
33:16Oh, my God.
33:19OK.
33:20Now it's spent, spent.
33:23Whilst Hammond got the glamorous singer,
33:25I had to pick up a fat man.
33:28Oh, God.
33:30It's crisp oil, radio wine.
33:32This is your luxury limousine transportation?
33:35No one added mine.
33:41Right.
33:42Here we go. Sit back and relax.
33:45Oh.
33:47What's it done?
33:55OK, if you'd like to step in, that would be great.
33:58And we'll get off.
34:03What?
34:09This is the intercom.
34:10You press that button if you want to talk to me.
34:12If it starts to rain, don't press it, because it'll get electrocuted.
34:23Eventually, though, all our passengers were on board and we were ready.
34:27Are you comfortable?
34:29No.
34:32Good shot.
34:34We were all now heading for Earl's Court.
34:38The Brits is one of the biggest nights in the showbiz calendar
34:41with most celebs hoping to look impressive by arriving in a big, shiny German car.
34:47We were going to show them the error of their ways.
34:54It's better than an Audi.
34:56This will get you noticed.
34:58Now, I've chosen this route to demonstrate the brilliance of my car.
35:05Meanwhile, in the Alfarb, Lamar was riveted by James' conversation.
35:11There is a small issue with the congestion charge because, as I'm sure you know,
35:15the camera records the rear view of the car.
35:17Yeah.
35:18But when they look at the photographs, it will give the registration number for Saab,
35:22but the photograph will show the front of an Alfa.
35:25So it will look as so somebody with the wrong sort of car for the number plate has reversed into
35:30London.
35:34Back in the Panda, my demonstration of its brilliance wasn't going too well.
35:40Oh, no!
35:42You've quenched it!
35:44Oh!
35:46It's still standing!
35:47Exactly, there's nothing wrong with it.
35:49We can edit that bit out.
35:52So when the digital camera takes a picture, it thinks, well, that's a Saab.
35:57But when they look at the photo, they'll see it's an Alfa Romeo and it's going the wrong way.
36:01Hype Park on the left there, sir.
36:04In the MG, poor old Jamelia was attracting a lot of attention from fans.
36:09Not least because Hammond had had to modify his intercom to make it legal.
36:15Sorry about the fan thing trying to chat you up there.
36:18That was a bit awkward for you, I'm sure.
36:20I can't hear you.
36:22So, Jamelia was embarrassed in the MG,
36:25Lamar was bored in the Alfa,
36:27and Chris had yet to appreciate the Panda's brilliance.
36:32Oh, that is a catastrophe that's just happened now.
36:37Is that car behind me very close?
36:40Yeah.
36:41And then Lamar woke up as he began to realise that James had no idea where he was going.
36:48The car doesn't have navigation, I take it.
36:51Well, it has navigation of sorts in that it has a driver who's lived in London for 20 years, 21
36:56years, in fact.
36:57Where are we now, sir?
36:59Um, we're just coming on to, um...
37:07Um...
37:07To distract Chris from the fact that we were almost constantly stuck,
37:11I engaged him in some musical small talk.
37:15I once went to Earl's Court in 1976, saw bad company there.
37:19Simon Kirk, he did a drum solo like you wouldn't believe.
37:25It was now six o'clock.
37:27Lamar was supposed to be at the Brits in half an hour and James was miles away,
37:31stuck in the side streets of central London.
37:35Actually, if you don't mind, sir, this is sort of where I need your help.
37:38Um...
37:39Because the reason this car will go round these very small corners is because you can steer it from both
37:44ends,
37:44but I'm afraid I'd have to ask you to sit in the Alfa Romeo and steer.
37:54By this stage, Moyles was hungry and thirsty and because I hadn't thought to include any on-board catering,
38:00he'd been shopping for supplies.
38:07What was that?
38:09I was getting on my seat.
38:11Oh, so I thought someone had run into us.
38:16Turn left.
38:18Right. Left?
38:19Yeah, your left.
38:21My left?
38:21Yeah.
38:24That's it. That's perfect, you see? Straight round that very tight bend.
38:27You see? Now, a normal limousine wouldn't go round like that, would it?
38:29Let's do another one. Hard left, sir.
38:34OK, so this, um, just...
38:36The whole thing is not...
38:38You need to straighten up a bit, so we're crabbing.
38:40Well, I can't because the whole, you know, your wheel thing is a bit...
38:48Jamelia was closer to Earl's Court than Lamar, but no happier.
38:57The accelerator's stuck open, I think.
39:00But if you think about it, I had to link it to the back of the car.
39:03There's hydro gas suspension and the clutch and the brakes...
39:11Oh, hang on.
39:13That doesn't sound good.
39:17Thanks.
39:21Oh, sorry. Road closed. I'm gonna go right.
39:25Right.
39:25And then it got worse.
39:29That's not gone well, has it?
39:31Where are you going?
39:33You're going that way.
39:34Right.
39:35Sorry.
39:36Sorry.
39:47That's the famous Harrods department store on the left.
39:50Yeah, earlier when I was talking about circles.
39:52Yeah.
39:53So, I mean, Harrods, I've seen it twice.
39:55I don't really need to see it a third time.
39:59The bus couldn't back up and I was stuck on a double-mini roundabout.
40:03I can't make this turn, Chris, at all.
40:06Stop where you're going!
40:10Whoa!
40:15There, we're clear.
40:16Earl's Court was now just minutes away.
40:20What was that noise?
40:23At the Brits, the world's media were waiting for Jamelia's arrival.
40:29I still don't think you appreciate the complexity of linking up a rear-engine car when you stretched it.
40:37Please, Richard, just make me get out of here!
40:39No, no. Red car fitting noise for you.
40:42I'm so embarrassed!
40:45And she wasn't too pleased with my clever exit solution.
40:49No, on the other side! On the other side!
40:55Sorry about the ladder thing. The steps weren't ideal.
40:59Whilst Jamelia regained her composure, I checked on the others.
41:03Jeremy, how are you doing?
41:05Erm, not well.
41:11It's what?
41:12It's in two pieces on the Lily Road.
41:15It's broken in half.
41:17I'm sorry not to be more supportive.
41:23Sorry, Chris.
41:24Yes!
41:29You end up being, like, an hour late or something like that at this rate, is it?
41:32Yeah?
41:35The first time I'm nominated, best male, UK, best male, tomorrow.
41:39Surely, sir, in the music business, it's fashionable to be quite late.
41:42Nobody ever turns up on time, do they?
41:44They're fashionably late and they're stupidly late.
41:46I can only apologise, sir, but it's fine.
41:48I don't want to hear anything. Just, please, just get me there.
41:52Well, there's five minutes to go.
41:55May is hopelessly lost.
41:58Jeremy's car has split in half.
42:00That means, by default, if nothing else, I am the winner!
42:04Yeah!
42:06Hammond may have been gloating,
42:09but I wasn't out of the competition yet.
42:29What time do the awards start?
42:32I have five minutes.
42:48I see you doing it, mate!
42:53Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
42:56Dignity, yes. Dignity.
43:02So, Moyles was happy.
43:04but Hammond wasn't.
43:06You're cheating. You're finished with half a car.
43:08You're supposed to finish with a stretch.
43:10I've got the man here.
43:13Meanwhile, in a car somewhere nowhere near Earl's Court,
43:17Lamar, acknowledged as one of the gentlemen of Pop, had had enough.
43:21Strictly speaking, it's left, but I think if we go right,
43:24I can go round the back.
43:25What do you mean, right?
43:28Well...
43:28Right, why? You just said... No, listen, you just said go left, right?
43:32Well, most people would go left, sir.
43:33So why don't we just follow what most people do?
43:36Because I think if we go right...
43:38No, are you doing this intentionally now?
43:39No. This is actually just stupid.
43:41Are you a jerk?
43:43No, but...
43:43Have you come to mess up my day?
43:45You've picked me up, you've driven me round and round in circles in London,
43:48you've been past Harris eleven hundred times now.
43:51Left, you're telling me to go right.
43:52I'm not taking this anymore.
43:53Open this damn door.
43:54I think it...
43:54Come on out loud.
43:56That's a stupid door, nothing.
43:58Hammond.
43:59Get it.
44:08We've always taken safety very seriously on Top Gear.
44:12But sadly, others are not so safety conscious.
44:16That's why Jeremy came up with a plan to make a hard-hitting safety-based film.
44:21Yeah.
44:22Jeremy.
44:23Jeremy Clarkson.
44:24I know.
44:25I know.
44:28It's a commonly held belief that younger drivers are the ones who cause all Britain's car accidents,
44:35tearing about on drugs with their hats on back to front.
44:40But the truth is that elderly people are three times more likely to have a crash than their grandchildren.
44:49Think about it.
44:50When was the last time you heard of a young person driving the wrong way down a motorway?
44:58Never.
44:59Never.
44:59It's always an old person in their 80s.
45:04And how often do you hear about a teenager plying their car into the sea?
45:09Again, never.
45:11It's always an old lady in a fiesta.
45:19But now it seems Britain's old people have found a new way to get their kicks.
45:33Terrifyingly, they're jumping the lights at level crossings.
45:43Look at this idiot, caught on CCTV, larking about in his reliant robin.
45:48He was lucky not to kill someone.
45:51If we examine the footage more carefully, we see the really worrying thing.
45:56He wasn't even wearing a high visibility jacket.
46:00The trouble is that people have seen their grandparents driving through the red lights
46:05with no safety clothing at all and think it's okay for them to do it as well.
46:11The figures make for appalling reading.
46:14There are 1600 level crossings in Britain and according to British Rail,
46:18or whatever they call it these days, many people are injured on them every year.
46:25You might think it's fun to jump the red lights.
46:28You might think it'll save you a few minutes.
46:33You might think it's okay because your grandad's always doing it,
46:36or because you've got a Renault Espace,
46:38which has a five-star Euro NCAP safety rating.
46:42But it's not all right, as I shall now prove with a gratuitous shot of a train
46:47smashing into the Espace at very high speed.
46:51All right, darling, let's see if you can bring a high tap to me.
46:54All right, darling, let's see if you can bring a high tap to me.
47:26If you drove like that on the public road, you deserve to be called a maniac!
47:39That's toast!
47:44That's bad!
47:45That's bad!
48:05I'd quite like to see that again, in slow motion.
48:15and even slower.
48:27So that is how far the train went from, what, 70, 80 miles an hour?
48:36The message, then, is clear.
48:40Unless you want that to happen to you...
48:45Always wear this.
48:53Wise words indeed.
48:55No, not wise.
48:57What's that other one?
48:58Stupid.
48:59And that's all we've got time for in this programme.
49:02See you again soon for more Uselessness in All Its Forms.
49:05Until then, goodbye.
49:07Bye-bye.
49:10Bełiz occupierd
49:26ha
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