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Top Gear Ambitious But Rubbish S01E02
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00:23Hello and welcome to Top Gear ambitious but rubbish, a towering example of why you should
00:29pay attention in school. Or shouldn't pay attention, I'm not actually sure.
00:35Yes! We're taking on a hell of a lot of water!
00:43I'm sorry! Ventress!
00:49We start this programme with a public service. You see, if you have a disability and you want
00:56to go rambling, you are limited to a few fairly tame all-terrain machines. We thought we
01:02could do better, so we each went away and came up with what we thought were true go-anywhere
01:07mobility scooters.
01:09This is exactly the sort of damp, muddy countryside that ramblists love. Ideal conditions then
01:16to test our machines.
01:19This is what I've created. I built it from two scooters, so I've ended up with two engines,
01:26four-wheel drive, the four at the back, and four-wheel steering, the four at the front.
01:31It's got chunky off-road lawnmower tyres, a sound system and binoculars for bird-watching.
01:37And with that in mind, check this out. This is a hide that fits over the top of the scooter,
01:44so I can sneak up silently without frightening even the most timid bird,
01:48birds such as the pied wagtail and the coot. Crikey!
01:57Stephen Hawking has arrived.
02:00Were you not listening to the challenge?
02:02Yes.
02:03It said mobility scooters, off-road.
02:06Well, forgive me for taking it maybe a bit too seriously, but as far as I can make out,
02:11mobility scooters are for people who have difficulty walking.
02:15Mm-hm.
02:15I'm concerned with people who have no choice but to be in this, which is a wheelchair.
02:20And why shouldn't people in wheelchairs be able to go rambling?
02:24You are right. I was with some disabled children the other day,
02:27and they're all confined to wheelchairs, they're all electric,
02:29and they were all saying they wished they were a bit more spunky,
02:33I think was the word they used.
02:34Well, fast was actually the word they used.
02:36This isn't fast, if I'm honest, but it's versatile. That's the idea.
02:40It's go anywhere.
02:40Because once you get out into the countryside, you can't... Don't do that.
02:44You've got a coffee... So you've got a coffee machine on it?
02:46I've got everything.
02:47I've got drinks, I have sat-nav and comms, an electronic tablet.
02:51You mean an iPad.
02:52Exactly.
02:54What's this on the back?
02:55It's a gravel dispenser that puts gravel under the wheels. I've got the idea from the railways.
03:00So if you get a bit stuck in a boggy bit...
03:01What's this handle for?
03:03Ah, that's very clever. You see, when you're going up or down a steep bit,
03:06but you want to remain level, you wind that and it changes the angle of the seat.
03:10At this point, the peace of the morning was shattered by the arrival of the local boy.
03:16That is him making that noise, isn't it?
03:18It is. He looks like an idiot.
03:20Well, he is an idiot.
03:22He has built a half-track.
03:24Gentlemen, hello!
03:28Ah, I know.
03:29Surely it's supposed to be, well, A, electric and B, not for invading France.
03:33No, where did it say that it's supposed to be electric?
03:36Well, isn't it in the regulations?
03:38No, it doesn't have to be electric.
03:39Let me talk you through what I've done here.
03:41The chassis, it's composed of two different vehicles.
03:43A mobility trike here, that's this front end.
03:46Then it's mated to one of those powered wheelbarrows that builders use for carting huge amounts of stuff over rugged
03:52terrain.
03:53Obviously, that gives it tremendous off-road capability and, in such an environment, you will need extras.
03:58So I've fitted a winch.
03:59Mm-hmm.
04:00Oh, not again.
04:01I have mated it.
04:01Have you mounted it to the front wings?
04:03No, it's to the chassis this time.
04:05I've learned.
04:05I've learned that one.
04:06Right, good.
04:06I've got an inclinometer, because this can achieve incredible angles of lean.
04:10This way and that way.
04:12Jerry cans for extra fuel.
04:14Can I just say this?
04:14This is actually important.
04:16We not only had to build machines that worked better than what you can buy off the shelf off-road,
04:21but were cheaper.
04:23This is the most important thing.
04:24Now, mine, all in, £2,700.
04:29£2,400.
04:31Really?
04:32£1,200 for the trike, £1,200 for the wheelbarrow.
04:34The rest was just sweating work.
04:36Interesting.
04:37Yeah.
04:38But what was yours?
04:38£2,000.
04:39Is it?
04:40So that represents a massive saving.
04:43Well, there we are.
04:44If you were disabled and you want to go into the countryside...
04:48Hello.
04:48Exactly.
04:49Exactly.
04:52Obviously, we'd test our machines in the hills later, but first we had to make sure they worked in town.
04:59This, of course, is very important.
05:02A Range Rover doesn't just work in the countryside.
05:06It has to work in the city as well.
05:08And so must this.
05:11Coming down.
05:18I'll do what I normally do in town, which is go into the bakers.
05:23Morning.
05:23Morning.
05:24Have you got an iced finger?
05:29Coming.
05:32There are many regulations, as you would imagine, this being Britain, governing the use of mobility scooters.
05:38And this meets almost all of them.
05:41I'm good for width.
05:43I'm good for length.
05:44I'm good for speed.
05:46But I do have a problem with weight.
05:48And so does my scooter.
05:52Excuse me.
05:53Would you be...
05:54I hate to do this because...
05:57I'm trying to get down there and it's a bit stuck.
05:59I'm so sorry.
06:02Sorry.
06:02Sorry.
06:03It's not quite as easy as it looks.
06:06No.
06:06And again, sorry.
06:08Bye.
06:08Bye.
06:11Well, policemen have got to be careful at the speed limit.
06:13I'm only allowed to do four miles an hour in built-up areas.
06:18That's more than four.
06:20Feel the speed!
06:22The speed!
06:25Four miles an hour, officer.
06:26You look really uncomfortable in there.
06:29Well, it's my first time.
06:29Yeah, but there you go.
06:31The first time you get in, your feet are going like this all the time, aren't they?
06:34Yeah.
06:35But it's all on this.
06:36All on this little wizard's hat thing.
06:39Just down there.
06:40Come on!
06:42All right, let's go.
06:42Okay, okay, okay.
06:43Mind out, mind out.
06:44Three, two, one.
06:46Go!
06:47Ha-ha!
06:49Oh, come on!
06:54That's all I got!
06:56Here's the big test.
06:58Will it fit in a disabled lavatory?
07:02Yep!
07:05Morning.
07:06Just browsing.
07:08Ooh, ooh, ooh.
07:09That's mad.
07:10Ah-ha!
07:11I'm sorry!
07:17Despite the mishaps.
07:22We decided our machines worked well in an urban environment.
07:26So we headed back out to the fields, where my half-track was even better.
07:32Seems able to tackle quite steep slopes, which is potentially good.
07:38Easy.
07:39Plenty of torque from that petrol engine.
07:42Adaptive suspension is working.
07:44Look at that.
07:45That's just climbed up there as if it wasn't there.
07:48Check my wildlife screen.
07:50That's a blackbird.
07:52Okay, I'm driving now in stealth mode.
07:55Of course, you can't see that because I'm so well camouflaged and silent.
08:00I have to say, though, the four-wheel drive system is working magnificently well.
08:05The ride is good.
08:06The grip is good.
08:08I've built a Land Rover here.
08:12Oh, no! I've run over my hide!
08:15Since the hide clearly needed more work...
08:18Ah!
08:20The producers told me to get rid of it, and then they gave us a challenge.
08:25You will now report to...
08:29Hmm...
08:30No.
08:31It's a Welsh thing.
08:35It's not clearing up there, is it?
08:37Where you will take part...
08:39Oh, God, in an off-road race.
08:42Hang on a minute, it gets worse.
08:44You will be working as a team against a group of wounded servicemen
08:48who will be using the off-the-shelf off-road scooters.
08:53The terrain we'd have to cross was brutal.
08:56Wet grass, mud and steep, wooded slopes.
09:00The finish line was on a mountain three kilometres away.
09:04And this is who we were up against.
09:09You're Nick.
09:10Mark.
09:11Mark.
09:12Ben.
09:13So, let's just get the wounds worked out.
09:16Spinal injuries.
09:17Spinal injury.
09:19Right leg below me, MBC.
09:20Right leg, so that's nothing, there's...
09:22Yeah, do... kick it as much as you want.
09:25Go on.
09:26And you are...
09:27Left arm, right leg.
09:29Left arm, right leg?
09:30Yeah.
09:31How do you do that?
09:32As I was spinning down, I landed on the ground.
09:35I think I landed on my arm first.
09:36Is that a bomb?
09:38Yeah.
09:38Despite their injuries though, they were feeling confident.
09:42Do you honestly think you're going to beat us?
09:43Yeah, definitely.
09:44Yes.
09:44They're just playing mental games with us down this.
09:47Put some beers in it.
09:48Yeah.
09:49All right then.
09:49How many?
09:50Case of beers.
09:51Case of beers.
09:52Case of beers.
09:52Case of beers.
09:54Case of beers.
09:56The military boys use their orienteering skills to map out a manageable route for their scooters.
10:02Yeah.
10:03Take it easy on the rocket on this.
10:04Yeah.
10:05Then just burn up one camp.
10:07We, however, were so confident in our engineering, we decided to go as the crow flies.
10:14We're being started with a traditional Welsh hunting horn.
10:27Go!
10:29Yes!
10:31Yes!
10:33Yes!
10:35Go, go, go.
10:55There's no question mine is faster than yours.
10:59And quieter.
11:01Ah!
11:04Oh, no.
11:05My steering's jammed.
11:07I've losing traction completely.
11:09Mate, go forward.
11:10Go forward.
11:10Do a bit of convoy formation here, lads.
11:12That's a good effort.
11:13Go, go, go.
11:14Yes!
11:15Oh, no.
11:16I can just engage seat angle alteration.
11:26Oh.
11:31While Sir Ranulf May was stuck...
11:34What have you done?
11:34I went to help the orangutan.
11:37Try and get the bodywork off the wheel.
11:39If you try and turn the wheel to the left...
11:41This is a teamwork now, isn't it?
11:43Yeah, we're actually doing teamwork.
11:45What am I thinking of?
11:47I've got my gravel system to deploy.
11:50Watch this.
11:51Pulling the string, dispenses gravel from the hopper in front of the wheels, improving traction.
11:58Deploy.
12:02Hang on, right?
12:04Go, go, go.
12:06Yes.
12:08Having mended Jeremy's scooter, Thunderbird One then had to rescue me.
12:13Oh, yes.
12:14Yes, yes, yes.
12:15Oh, this is just glorious.
12:18Tremendous.
12:22Stop it.
12:26Ow!
12:34It's down there, look.
12:36There, there, there, there.
12:38Jesus!
12:39How did you get there?
12:42We'll see you again.
12:44I feel like a great beer coming on.
12:47Who are these...?
12:48Hammond!
12:49They're ahead of us!
12:51Let's go!
12:53I've got a banger left here, Ben!
12:55Go on, go, go, go.
12:56Worried by the progress of our rivals, Hammond and I stopped to discuss our colleague.
13:02I mean, look at him, he's pretty pointless.
13:06There is a bit of a, a bit of a rise in the terrain there.
13:11Nope.
13:14Do we, in these unique circumstances, merely leave him or shoot him and leave him?
13:21Because we were working as a team, we decided to just leave him.
13:27I feel bad.
13:28I feel bad.
13:28I do, I feel bad.
13:29I'm getting better.
13:35Right.
13:36I think, that way.
13:41The ProRider Road King is doing well here.
13:44A moment of actual progress.
13:48Mate, we're rolling.
13:51I was rolling too, and had left Jeremy far behind.
13:56It's getting very muddy now, but that's okay.
13:58This is where tracks are absolutely perfect.
14:05Ah!
14:17Bloody Nora!
14:19Want to do a nab check there?
14:20Yeah, get around.
14:22That was that metal road that we saw on top of the, er, the ridge line.
14:25Yeah, we're doing well.
14:26We're doing well.
14:28It's gonna get tricky up there, you know, with them contour line.
14:30Yeah, let's keep doing what we're doing, yeah?
14:31Yeah, happy days.
14:33Sportster, this is Pro Rider Road King. Come in.
14:37I may need your winch a tiny bit.
14:40Oh, God!
14:42Once again, I had to abandon my pursuit of our rivals
14:45to go and rescue the orangutan.
14:48What have you done?
14:50Let it rock. Go on.
14:54Yeah, that's much better.
14:55That isn't... Oh, no!
14:59Go!
14:59Lovely, lovely. Go, go, go, go, go, go.
15:03The Pro Rider was eventually righted.
15:07Ha-ha-ha!
15:08But this teamwork nonsense wasn't getting us anywhere.
15:12Ram me!
15:19Jeremy.
15:21Go. It's going to be dark by the time I get there.
15:24Mate, I'm going to.
15:25Go. Be the team.
15:27Go, the team.
15:27And beat the soldiers on the top gear thing that that's suddenly become.
15:32Yes.
15:33I'm not giving in, but I don't want you to wait any more.
15:37So long, Pro Rider.
15:39Go, go, go, go, go, go.
15:40Obviously, the servicemen were in the lead,
15:43but they were still taking the long way round.
15:46If I'm going to stand the chance of preserving my team's honour,
15:49I'm going to have to go straight up.
15:51Come on.
15:53Go, go, go, go, go, go.
15:54To help me, my rivals were starting to struggle.
15:58Go, go, go, go, go.
15:59Go, go, go, go, go, go.
16:01OK.
16:02Go, go, go.
16:11If you're going to jump on the hill, you've got to go back.
16:15I can't go back.
16:16I can't go back.
16:25Go, go, go, go, go.
16:28Now that my weight is on the back wheels, I have traction.
16:33Oh, yeah. I'm surfing now.
16:37Just pre-bend it outwards.
16:39Mark's control panel had snapped off in the fall,
16:41and getting it fixed again had cost them precious time.
16:45Can you hear that? Yeah, I can hear some engine.
16:47I can hear Hammond.
16:49Hammond? There's no way you could have got up here that fast.
16:52Go, go, go.
16:57Come on, Unstoppable Sportster.
17:00I've got to pick my lines, keep the thing as level as I can.
17:05That's it there, isn't it? There's something there.
17:07That's it. That's the stomach.
17:10It's a race to the finish line.
17:13That's got to be the summit out there.
17:17Hammond!
17:20Last push now, boys.
17:24I'm going to make it.
17:27Keep going, keep going, keep going.
17:28Go, go, go, go, go.
17:29Last little bit.
17:33Yes! This is it. This is the summit.
17:38You all right, lads?
17:43Welcome.
17:44Hi, mate.
17:45Well done. Well done.
17:47It's just me.
17:49Meanwhile, far, far away.
17:52Now, look at this, it's a 17th-century pub.
17:56And look at that step there.
17:58Now, if you're in a normal, conventional electric wheelchair,
18:01that would be game over and no pint.
18:04But now, watch this.
18:08Full power.
18:13Hang on, hang on.
18:24Oh, cock.
18:26Still, could be worse.
18:29Fenton!
18:30Fenton!
18:33Fenton!
18:35Oh, Jesus Christ!
18:40There are times when we genuinely do our bit to help.
18:43But that wasn't one of them.
18:45Anyway, from a useless attempt to do something worthwhile
18:48to useless attempt to do something pointless,
18:51this is from our Winter Olympics special,
18:54where the producers had just told us we had to ski-jump a car.
18:57Strangely, at the time, it made perfect sense.
19:11This is the ski-jump at Lillehammer,
19:14the very one used in the 1994 Winter Olympics.
19:18It offers jumpers 400 feet of pure and bridal terror.
19:27There are times when we're in the winter winter Olympic ski-slash-car-jumping champio.
19:38Right, chaps, we have got to get that
19:41to jump further than him
19:44in the Top Gear Winter Olympics ski-slash-car-jumping champio.
19:51Hmm.
19:53A 20-year-old, slightly rusty Leyland Mini.
19:59So, let's work this out.
20:00Mini does 0 to 60 in what?
20:02About 14 seconds.
20:03Hang on, that's not going to be very relevant, though, is it?
20:06Because you're not going to get any grip off the tyres.
20:07All you've got up there is gravity.
20:09Oh, I know, gravity's a cruel and unpredictable mistress, so...
20:12Well, no, it isn't.
20:13It's a constant all over the world.
20:15But this is quite simple, arithmetically.
20:16We've got, it's V equals U plus AT.
20:18We know what acceleration due to gravity is, 9.8 metres per second squared.
20:22But that's weight component down a plane, because it's on a slope.
20:24So, we need to get the mass of the car, we need to know the angle of the slope,
20:27and then we need to work out also the angle when it gets to the lip where it jumps off,
20:30and that will give us V, and it will follow a sort of parabolic trajectory.
20:32We should be able to then calculate the exact point when the car comes and meets the snow.
20:36That's quite easy.
20:37I think we should go and get a cup of tea and work that out.
20:42So, come on, James.
20:43Hang on, hang on, hang on.
20:45Is gravity going to be enough to get the car down the ramp and beat the skier?
20:52No.
20:52Right.
20:53Then we have a huge problem.
20:55We need some more propulsion, because we can't use the engine, because that will just spin the wheels.
20:59Right.
21:00Also, we can't put a driver in it, because obviously he'll be killed.
21:04So, we're going to have to work something out on steering.
21:07That can be your job, OK?
21:09There's another problem.
21:10Once it's set off, we've got to stop it at some point,
21:12otherwise it'll just soar over there and take out Lilyhammer.
21:15So, I'll work out where's stopping it.
21:18Right, guidance for you.
21:20Stopping.
21:20Braking for you.
21:22And then I'll figure out some way of the power.
21:25Power.
21:26Exactly, I do the power.
21:27Let's get about our business.
21:29Right.
21:30I'll take my tea.
21:31Earl Grey in Norway.
21:33Whoever would have thought it.
21:36Our first job was to mark the point where the skier had landed, so we knew the distance to beat.
21:43Unfortunately, James was no Sir Edmund Hillary.
21:46You've got to paint it across.
21:50There you go, I've done it.
21:51No, no, you've got to get it across the whole way across.
21:53No, that'll do.
21:54It won't do.
22:00Shut up.
22:02Shut up.
22:06With James proving his own laws of gravity, I got on with the business of power.
22:12Hi, is that the United Kingdom Rocketry Association?
22:16Yeah, it's Jeremy Clarkson here from Top Gear and I need some rockets.
22:22Soon, though, it went dark, so we went to the pub.
22:27Nice to meet you.
22:28The next morning, the Rocketeers arrived and announced that they could give the Mini twice as much thrust pound-for
22:34-pound than an F-15 jet fighter.
22:37I've taken drag, aerodynamic drag, friction, gravity and the thrust of three contrail hybrid rocket motors into it.
22:45This is rocket science?
22:46This is rocket science.
22:48By this stage, Spider-Man had finally got to the top of the ski jump.
22:52When the skier goes down, how does he... how does he... how does he stay in the middle?
23:00Oh, in... it has tracks.
23:02Grooves, liquid nitrous oxide.
23:05Yeah.
23:05And that's got all the oxygen in it.
23:07Yeah.
23:08And in the bottom end, fuel, which is rubber.
23:11Don't... here's a tip.
23:13Please, I'm a doctor of engineering twice.
23:15If you use rubber as fuel, you're not going to go as far as if you use like petrol or
23:21dynamite.
23:22Hey, Jeremy.
23:23Do you think you could mount it on skis?
23:28Why?
23:29Just trust me, if you put it on the skis, I can keep it dead straight.
23:32I'll have to make them.
23:33Well, yes.
23:35Obviously, you can't go to the ski rental shop and say,
23:38have you got some skis for a mini?
23:43James, the track is 1300 millimetres.
23:48And with those measurements, the Icemen could now cut their special grooves.
24:01Oh, yes!
24:04If I lose it now, I'm going to end up in the Lilyhammer Asda.
24:09I'm on drill in this team.
24:12Rocket scientists have found a job for me to do.
24:14Does anyone want Earl Grey?
24:16No!
24:18With my skis fitted, the rockets installed, and the ice grooves coming along nicely,
24:26James and I dropped in on Hammond to inspect his snow bag.
24:30I can guarantee that won't stop the mini.
24:34Partly because it's not substantial enough,
24:37but mostly because you've built that in front of that slope,
24:41and the mini is coming down that one.
24:45Right.
24:48Righto.
24:48What a complete...
24:51Some adjustments?
24:53Did nobody tell you?
24:55No, obviously, or I'd have built it over there.
25:00That is fairly embarrassing.
25:02What I need is a big machine.
25:08So, I got myself a Peaced Basher.
25:16With this, I am going to construct something that will rival the Hoover Dam.
25:20Those two Muppets will not be laughing at me now.
25:23And to speed things up, I even drafted in a herd of tractors.
25:33While Philip Schofield was building the Great Wall of Lillehammer...
25:37Oh, yeah.
25:40The rocket car, primed with one and a half tonnes of explosive thrust,
25:45began its long journey to the top of the jump.
25:51And half an hour later, the ice grooves were ready for Chris Bonnington's approval.
25:56I'm not touching you.
25:56Please don't come near me.
25:57I'm not touching you. Go over there.
25:59Look, I'm...
26:00I'm nowhere near you.
26:01That's really nice.
26:13This has never been done before.
26:14No.
26:15We are, in fact, at the cutting edge of cocking about.
26:20The time for cocking about, however, was over.
26:24The wall was finished, the target was laid down, sort of, and we were now in the hands of the
26:31rocket men.
26:34We're filling the rockets now.
26:36Get that maximum.
26:40It's going to be an appalling mess.
26:41An explosion, explosion.
26:43A burning mini.
26:44Carnage, yeah.
26:44Coming down on its roof.
26:45Venting, red, white, blue. Confirm.
26:51Venting.
26:52In three, two, one, purge.
26:57Come on, Mini!
26:58Armed.
26:59And five, four, three, two, one, initiate.
27:23Wall's going to be needed.
27:28We were a bit short.
27:30We didn't beat the ski jump gun.
27:32How well did it ski?
27:40This brilliant ski jump!
27:42This brilliant ski jump!
27:48Well, that had never been tried before.
27:50Unlike our next item, which had.
27:53By us.
27:54You see, we'd already made amphibious cars once, and it had gone, um, badly.
28:00So, naturally, the producers told us to have another crack.
28:03It's sort of like that million monkeys, million typewriters principle, or something.
28:12There we are.
28:13Now, obviously, my, um, original plan of simply bolting a very large outboard engine to the back of a pick
28:21-up truck worked very well.
28:22Uh, until it rolled over.
28:25So, to prevent that happening again, what I've done is I've welded up the doors much more thoroughly this time.
28:30That should stop water getting into the cockpit and sloshing from side to side.
28:35In the back, I've fitted these big drums, which, when I go in the water, I simply lower them like
28:41this, so they're like, sort of, stabilisers on a child's bicycle, and, uh, that should give me more, um, um...
28:55Stability.
28:55Yes, that.
28:59Next, Hammond arrived.
29:03Yeah!
29:04Now, you see, Hammond...
29:05Yes?
29:06What you've done there, mate, is you've parked a van on top of a boat.
29:11No, no, no, it's brilliant, let me tell you.
29:13It is a refinement of the theory.
29:15Check it out, flying bridge, completely equipped.
29:18It's not a flying bridge.
29:19More or less.
29:19And this is where the girls go, up here.
29:22No, Richard.
29:23In bikinis.
29:24I'm already seeing a problem, would you like to step down?
29:26Yes.
29:27Stand at the wheel.
29:28Yes.
29:29Look ahead.
29:30Yeah, that is an issue.
29:31I didn't describe that until...
29:33I need a box, I need a sailing box.
29:36As before, Richard had stuck with the cabin creaser principle, and as before, to make it move in the water,
29:42so he'd simply fixed a propeller to the Volkswagen's rear-mounted engine.
29:47So, as you're driving down the road, this propeller is turning.
29:51A bit.
29:51Have you rung the highways department and told them you're driving a car with, effectively, a blender on the back?
29:57And there was another issue.
29:59This is your hull.
30:00Yes, it is.
30:01These are holes in it.
30:02Fibre glass. Yes, they are. Well, that's for the wheels to stick out.
30:04I've seen Titanic. Got a hole in it. Sank.
30:07Well, no, but I've sealed them around the arch with a bit of foam.
30:10Oh, I see. So, if Titanic had been filled with foam, it would have been here today.
30:14Yeah, but they didn't know that. They're technology. You can't knock them for that.
30:16Fibre glass hole, predominantly. Barely tips the scale at over five tonnes.
30:20And the cooling?
30:21Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, there's that. Yeah.
30:24Jeremy then showed off his handiwork.
30:27You've set fire to it by the looks of it.
30:28There was a small fire.
30:29What happened?
30:30The welding.
30:30Oh, yeah.
30:31And then, while waiting for James...
30:33Oh, again, ambitious.
30:35So, you're thinking of what to occupy yourself with whilst out on the walls and not sinking.
30:38Sink again.
30:40No, not this time.
30:41It will.
30:42It won't.
30:42It won't.
30:43It won't.
30:44It just won't.
30:44It just...
30:47Some time much later, James arrived in a flurry of déjà vu.
30:54It's the same vehicle.
30:55The same car.
30:56Well, not exactly.
30:57No, exactly the same car.
31:00It is the same car and the reason for that is my car, if you remember, worked.
31:04It didn't.
31:04Every time you got to a low bridge, your mast was...
31:07That did happen.
31:08Now, I have a collapsible mast and I have a spinnaker and I also have a keel cum centreboard.
31:17How do you get that underneath it?
31:19You drop it down through the slot like you do on a dinghy.
31:21That's a whopper.
31:22Have you seen this?
31:23That's where the water will be.
31:25The water will just simply...
31:26What's the word we're looking for?
31:27Come through there.
31:29And you'll sink before you put your bit of water in there.
31:31Because I've calculated it.
31:32What's a spinnaker?
31:34When a body is wholly or partially immersed in a fluid, it experiences an upthrust equal in magnitude to the
31:38mass of the fluid displaced.
31:40This won't work.
31:42We'll soon find out.
31:45Thank you so much. Here's our challenge.
31:47Come on, then.
31:50Is it bad?
31:51Yes.
31:52No, really bad.
31:54Go on, then.
31:56You will now drive to Dover.
32:01No, not...
32:01And then you will cross the channel to France.
32:05That's the sea.
32:06What is it, 22 miles?
32:07He's not making it up.
32:08Mine won't do that.
32:10If I'd known it was the sea, I'd have fitted a bigger anchor.
32:13That's not really a sea-going anchor, is it?
32:15And a longer chain.
32:17Yeah, I'm not going to need that.
32:18Damp down.
32:19No, this will sink within 30 feet.
32:21I'm not sure.
32:22I recommend...
32:23It will sink.
32:23We're all going to be killed.
32:25No.
32:25We're going to be killed.
32:26No, we're not, because mine's essentially a dinghy.
32:28We're going to have a Korean dinghy sail across the channel every day.
32:30I'm 47 years old.
32:32I'm going to be run down by a Korean grain carrier, minced.
32:36Yeah, but what a day.
32:38Before we could set off, James had to take down his new collapsible mast.
32:43Oh, timber.
32:45Oh, that's the lamp.
32:47France, here we come.
32:50What's it actually course on?
32:51The security camera.
32:52So, would you admit that your design is already flawed?
32:56No.
33:02Finally, we were on the road and it soon became clear that all the additions had taken the edge off
33:08my Nissanx performance.
33:10Oh!
33:14Mind you, while he was a hurrying...
33:16I'm just going to bring the solicitor to do my last will and testament.
33:21Leave everything to the lifeboat people.
33:23I can't believe they're asking us to go across the channel in them.
33:27When I'm following Jeremy's pickup, it looks like a man with a pickup who's stolen an outboard motor and a
33:32couple of oil drums on the way to a fishing trip.
33:41James, as usual, had fallen behind, but otherwise, all was well in his world.
33:47This is fantastic. I absolutely cannot wait to try out my Triumph Herald in its newly re-rigged form and
33:54sail across the channel.
33:55Why shouldn't it work?
33:58I had just one crumb of comfort. This time, mine was working on the road.
34:04But then the crumb went away.
34:12Oh, God, look at them.
34:14They are worse than they were last time on the road.
34:17And we've got a much bigger challenge on the water.
34:21Mind you, after five miles, Hammond was beyond caring.
34:27It is like the West Indian dope-smoking team practising in the car.
34:32Soon, we arrived in Dover.
34:37We would be launching from the slipway once used by the giant cross-channel hovercrafts.
34:43Spread before it was Dover Harbour.
34:46And beyond the safety of its walls, 22 miles of English Channel, the busiest shipping lane in the world.
34:57We're fishing rods!
35:04Amazingly, the only things that did actually break on the Nissan's journey to Dover were all its brakes.
35:11I'm telling you, James, I cannot stop it!
35:16I can't stop it!
35:18By the time James had fixed his rudder, we were running late and the tide was coming in.
35:24It's ten to eight.
35:25Yeah.
35:26It's 22 miles.
35:28If mine worked, that's 25 minutes.
35:32How fast do you think it goes?
35:3340 knots.
35:34Fantastic!
35:36Have you seen the size of the engine on the back of it?
35:38Your top speed?
35:40Very slow.
35:40Four knots?
35:42Yeah.
35:42And there's a three-knot tide.
35:43It's a mile an hour.
35:45Yeah.
35:46And you...
35:4720 knots?
35:48Just...
35:48No, James.
35:50Look, the point is, I'm the only one with even a vague hope of getting there before nightfall.
35:54Why don't we just go when the tide's going out? Then it'll help us.
35:57That's a good idea.
35:58That's tomorrow.
35:59No, Slackwater.
36:01Or Slackwater, yeah.
36:02Slackwater is tomorrow about one o'clock.
36:04We shall go then.
36:06Yes.
36:06We'll go to the pub now.
36:08That's a very bright sound idea, yeah.
36:08We'll go to the pub now and then tomorrow, one o'clock.
36:12That'll be us at Slackwater.
36:13Because the water's slack.
36:16What's Slackwater?
36:21It was a lovely morning and the sea inside the harbour was calm and inviting.
36:27Outside the harbour, though...
36:32Despite the roughness, Captain Cockshaw was supremely confident in his engineering and eager to get going.
36:38He's going.
36:39Oh, he's off.
36:40He's going.
36:40He's doing it.
36:42It's a car.
36:43Car.
36:43It's still a car.
36:45It's a...
36:47boat.
36:48Sail.
36:49Gypsail.
36:52You're coming back now.
36:53It's a car again.
36:55Oh.
36:56Centreboard.
36:57He's got no rudder.
36:59He's got no rudder in the water.
37:01Oh, yeah.
37:02Nothing.
37:02And Amel and May had another problem.
37:05He'll never have...
37:05The centreboard's stuck.
37:07He's got further that way than he has that way.
37:12I'm enjoying this.
37:14I was so preoccupied with my centreboard, I wasn't looking where I was going.
37:18Oh, my.
37:19He's going to hit the pier.
37:20He's going to hit the pier.
37:21Now, here comes a rescue boat.
37:23You're being rescued after, what?
37:25A minute and a half.
37:27It's so unfair.
37:29The rescue boat nudged me back to open water, where I discovered my Archimedes calculations were a bit out.
37:35I would say that car's sinking as well.
37:38Mayday!
37:39He's going down.
37:40I think we should get in there.
37:42This can only go well.
37:46Here we go.
37:49Oh, yeah!
37:56Once again, my pickup truck is working.
38:00Yes!
38:01It works!
38:03I am floating!
38:07Amazingly, all three of us were floating.
38:10Well, when I say three...
38:13It's going down!
38:23Richard offered to pick James up, but he had a problem.
38:27You can't stop.
38:28No, I can't stop the engine.
38:30See you then.
38:32Oh, bloody hell.
38:33Do you want to come on this boat?
38:35Up to a point, yes.
38:37Will you admit it's a brilliant piece of design?
38:40No.
38:40Bugger off.
38:41Goodbye.
38:44Richard and I returned to land, because we wanted to be there to offer James reassurance and sympathy.
38:52You designed a rubbish car and you know nothing about sailing.
39:00Amazingly, however, James insisted that his herald and the snapped mast could be fixed.
39:06And so, with help from me and Jeremy, two hours later, he was back in business.
39:13Here we go!
39:15Here we go!
39:15Let's go!
39:16Let's go!
39:21This is absolutely brilliant!
39:28I'm actually using my weight to counter the role of the craft.
39:33Ow!
39:35Is that your top speed?
39:36I'm flat out!
39:40Even so, I was a lot faster than James, so Jeremy and I left him behind.
39:46And pretty soon, we were at the mouth of the harbour, facing the open sea.
39:55That's choppy out there.
39:57Bloody hell!
40:01These are quite bleak.
40:02Don't like that!
40:03Don't turn on a wave!
40:05In seas like this, and with my puny power, I bravely decided to head back to the harbour.
40:16And then Jeremy bravely followed suit.
40:21Mayday!
40:25Ow!
40:26Is it not working well, James?
40:28Have you ever heard of the milk of human kindness?
40:31Well, prepare to suckle on it.
40:37Sorry, mate.
40:38As Jeremy rescued James, I realised that the big seas had damaged my precious craft.
40:45My steering's broken.
40:46I just go in faster circles.
40:49I was stuck in the entrance to the harbour.
40:53Oh, my God, there is the sea cat!
40:56He can move!
40:59Bertie continued on course, and now James was a sitting duck as well.
41:03No time to lose.
41:05What do you want me to do?
41:05Just lunge the front gently back to port.
41:08I don't want to go that way now!
41:11Go left!
41:12And then...
41:15Oh, I've lost another one!
41:27Never in maritime history has a ship had to dodge so much flotsam and jetsam while coming into Dover.
41:33Sorry! It was him! Sorry! Sorry!
41:36And this made us be in trouble.
41:38Morning, officer!
41:40We were ordered back to land, but getting there wasn't easy.
41:45Mate, my engine is letting go.
41:48It's dying. There's no doubt about it.
41:51And I pulled Richard in.
41:52That's humiliating.
41:54James's boat was now beyond repair.
41:58But luckily, Jeremy was on hand to comfort him.
42:01You fell!
42:10Today, the wind had dropped, and the sea was much calmer.
42:14We're going to France. This time, we are going.
42:20I was now powered by an outboard I'd bought from Jeremy for a million pounds, and James was my cabin
42:26boy.
42:27If you would go below, please, Roger, the cabin boy.
42:30And a cup of tea.
42:31Hello, sir.
42:32Oi! Prescott!
42:33Have a bacon sandwich!
42:38Richard's million-pound outboard wasn't exactly gutsy.
42:41So, in the spirit of the sea and in keeping with the maritime code, I gunned it and left them
42:47behind.
42:49Oh, she's riding the waves like a twig.
42:54Meanwhile, back on the cabin cruiser...
42:57Bloody hell!
42:58Mate!
42:59What?
43:00There's quite a lot of water. It's up to...
43:02Oh, not again.
43:05As you can see this morning, the sea is a mill pond.
43:09We're hoping to capitalise on that, make good progress, before the waves build up, which they inevitably will.
43:25I'm disappointed. I thought we were going to make it.
43:28Oh, sorry, mate. The cab sank.
43:30With typical good grace, Jeremy came back to pick us up, and then announced we'd have to go back to
43:35Dover.
43:38A couple of years ago, Richard Branson set a record for crossing the channel in an amphibious car.
43:44One hour, 40 minutes, six seconds.
43:48And?
43:49No way.
43:50It's an average speed of 10.8 knots.
43:54Well, so we go for it. We're giving it a shot.
43:56Calais for lunch.
43:57Beardy, you're going down!
44:07Guys, can I ask one question?
44:09What?
44:09Where's France?
44:11We followed a ferry, but not the one going to Holland.
44:16Soon, the three men in a boat were an incredible two miles from England.
44:21And since we were going for a record, we had to work out our speed.
44:24This is our speedometer. We've tied knots in a rope.
44:28You throw it in, and you see how many pass through your fingers in a given time.
44:33It's a very accurate system.
44:36Captain, about 110 knots.
44:39110 knots.
44:40What's that in miles an hour?
44:42130?
44:43125.
44:44Because we were blasting along at a steady 125 miles an hour, we had a visit from the Coast Guard.
44:54This is the military crossfire aircraft. Please state your intentions, please.
44:59Our intentions are to go across the channel faster than Beardy Branson.
45:04In that case, I wish you good luck at Ben Haraj.
45:09I want to do that for a job.
45:11That's brilliant. And then all you do is jump out and wrestle Albanians.
45:16Amazingly, our vessel ploughed on without mishap. And then...
45:21Land ahoy!
45:23France! We can see France! Through a pick-up truck!
45:28Mind you, Jeremy, do you want to be depressed?
45:31What?
45:31Look at England.
45:32Come on.
45:35Ready? Ready? One hour.
45:3840 minutes coming up.
45:40Now!
45:41We've failed!
45:42We lost!
45:45Now, it was just a question of seeing if we could make it.
45:48But with eight miles to go, it started to get choppy.
45:53We're going down, boys!
45:56It's pouring in!
45:58Oh, my God, look in there now.
46:01I don't like that!
46:02I'm in big trouble!
46:04Don't like that! Don't like this!
46:06Things were even worse at the back.
46:09We're taking on a hell of a lot of water!
46:12So, we sent James to the front to act as ballast.
46:16I'm getting a bit bored with sinking, frankly.
46:21Mercifully, as we got into the lee, or something or other,
46:25the waters calmed and we could taste success.
46:35The town of Sangat was about to get three more immigrants.
46:39Never mind that we'd aim for Calais and missed, France is France.
46:43Come on! Come on!
46:45We're 20 yards from France.
46:49To succeed, we had to get up the boat ramp,
46:52but that meant going through the breakers.
46:58No!
46:59No!
47:03Where's that come from?
47:09I really thought we were going to tip over.
47:12We're on the rocks.
47:15We're going up the beach now.
47:22Skillfully, James got a rope round the front bumper
47:24and in a gap in the waves.
47:26I went for it.
47:34No!
47:38That's good!
47:40That's good.
47:41The pick-up and landed.
47:49Less ambitious but rubbish, more ambitious but quite successful.
47:54apart from the bits that weren't.
47:56And that's it for this programme.
47:58See you next time for more moments from the Top Gear archive
48:01when at least one of us thought we might die.
48:04Goodbye.
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