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Top Gear Ambitious But Rubbish S01E05
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00:23Hello and welcome to Top Gear Ambitious But Rubbish, a general grab bag of idiocy which
00:29I would sincerely recommend you don't put your hand into.
00:33This feels fantastic. This is awesome.
00:37Ow!
00:46Tell me that isn't happening. Tell me that isn't happening.
00:50We start this program with one of our problem-solving ideas. You see with petrol getting
00:56more expensive, large engine cars are getting cheaper. Meanwhile train tickets are going up
01:01because trains themselves are so pricey. Put the two together and you've got the makings of
01:07something or other.
01:10This is a Jaguar XJS. It's 22 years old and it cost us four and a half thousand pounds.
01:17For that we got the convertible version with the big engine. The 300 horsepower 5.3 litre V12.
01:28Really does go like a train this car and that is what got us thinking because
01:34could it actually be a train?
01:39To find out I took it to Top Gear's secret railway development centre in Leicestershire
01:44just off the A46 near Thurkasten where we queued the music and set to work.
02:18So what we've done is replaced the
02:21standard wheels with train wheels and that's it. Nothing else. The cost savings are phenomenal
02:28because a normal railway locomotive is four million. This was in total 4,750 pounds.
02:36That is an enormous savings. It's not much more than a thousandth of the cost.
02:40Exactly. If we were running this from Peterborough to London, I don't know what a season ticket is
02:45to do that at many thousands of pounds a year. Yeah. This would be 20 or 30 pence.
02:51It was time for the Jaguar's inaugural run.
02:55Ready? Yes.
03:00We are pulling out of the station.
03:06No steering is weird. No steering and everything.
03:16This feels fantastic. This is awesome.
03:20We've sold public transport. Literally solved it.
03:24Yeah!
03:27A modern-day railway carriage costs in excess of a million pounds. Ours didn't cost anything like that much.
03:42Now, we have made some mechanical modifications. We've stripped out the central wheels and added one
03:47in each corner for extra stability. And we've introduced a class system.
03:52Absolutely. Now, I have taken the Pageant CD Champagne model, no less, and used it to create first class.
04:01Inside, it was beautifully appointed, creating an atmosphere that I hoped would resurrect the golden
04:08age of train travel for the discerning first-class passenger.
04:15Hammond, meanwhile, had been responsible for the buffet car and second class.
04:21Just look at this. Inside. Smart, clean, functional. Everything the modern rail traveller wants and demands.
04:30And at the back, there was Jeremy's creation.
04:34This is the economy section. What I've done is I've fitted benches and on the floor,
04:39straw, straw, to absorb the diseases and the blood, should there be a riot. And then, for an authentic,
04:47working-class feel, at the back, I've fitted an outside Kazi.
04:54With the carriages hooked up to the Jag, we prepared ourselves for the maiden voyage of the world's cheapest train.
05:02Engaging drive.
05:04Engage forwards.
05:05You're a train.
05:10Engage forwards.
05:13We're not moving.
05:14Be gentle with it.
05:17Gently.
05:18Well, that's not working, is it?
05:20Since we're doing 80 miles an hour, then, get out and give us a push.
05:25How's he going to push it?
05:26Just get it started.
05:27When did you ever see one of them push?
05:28I'll tell you, when did you ever see one of them push?
05:30Why won't it go?
05:33300 horsepower.
05:39Why isn't it working?
05:41Because it's just spinning all its power away and not going anywhere.
05:44Why?
05:45Well, one, you're driving it like an ove.
05:47I've done gentle.
05:48You didn't do gentle.
05:50You just planted your foot on it and went power as normally.
05:52Secondly, I'm sorry to say this, but you brought the wrong car.
05:56You did.
05:57This is a rear-wheel drive roadster.
05:59What do you want?
06:00Do you want front-wheel drive?
06:01Possibly.
06:02Four-wheel drive is where it wants to be, not his train.
06:04It's not the car.
06:05We've got too many.
06:07Carriages are too heavy.
06:08Of course it's got carriages on it, you muppet.
06:10It's a train.
06:11There are too many.
06:12That's the bare minimum.
06:13What about...
06:17...a sports train?
06:19A what?
06:19Sports train.
06:20One carriage and a car.
06:22It's a sports train.
06:23Well, that defeats the point of it being a train, doesn't it?
06:26Uncouple me.
06:26Gladly.
06:27Uncouple me.
06:28Off you go.
06:29Jeremy departed, leaving us with the task of finding a new locomotive.
06:36Oh, yeah, that's great.
06:40After a canter through the classifieds,
06:44Hammond and I found our new locomotive.
06:48Here's what Hammond and I have bought instead.
06:50It's an Audi S8.
06:52It has even more power than the Jaguar, but more importantly,
06:55it has four-wheel drive, which is what you need because the rails are slippery.
07:01Also, I have feet made of flesh with nerves in them like a human being,
07:07not lumps of lead yoked to an incompetent oath.
07:12While I was doing the driving, Hammond would take care of the passengers.
07:17Right, in just a few minutes, I shall be welcoming the passengers onto the train.
07:20This is the manifest with their names.
07:21But before I do that, let's get the buffet car ready.
07:24This has to look good.
07:26This really is all passengers.
07:29First, second.
07:31Well, just first or second, we'll be able to come in here.
07:33So I want it to look excellent.
07:36With the buffet ready, it was time to greet our guests.
07:41Who were a group of top officials and inspectors from the railway world.
07:47You are...
07:48Steve Davis.
07:49Steve Davis, MBE.
07:50He's important.
07:51Steve Davis, MBE.
07:52Indeed.
07:52And you're a colonel.
07:53Hello.
07:54How do you do?
07:54Nice to see you again.
07:55Well, you're in first, which is there.
07:58Indeed.
07:59Hello, you're Helen.
08:00Hello, Aspie.
08:00Aspie, OBE.
08:01Hello.
08:02Hi.
08:03Come on in, please.
08:04You're in first as well, obviously.
08:07And, um...
08:07Seth?
08:08Ian?
08:08Yes, you're also...
08:11Yes, in there, Ian.
08:11That'll be absolutely brilliant.
08:13In.
08:14There you go.
08:15You'll be fine.
08:16The straw's fresh.
08:17Don't worry.
08:19Everything now depended on giving our passengers the train ride of a lifetime.
08:25Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard the 1453 Express from just outside Leicester to near Loughborough.
08:32This train is about to depart.
08:35James, that's my job.
08:36I'm running this bit of the train.
08:38You just drive.
08:39Ladies and gentlemen, this is your steward speaking.
08:41Whose train this is?
08:42We will shortly be departing towards Loughborough.
08:57Look at this.
08:59It's a train and it works.
09:10This is just the best thing I've ever done.
09:16Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be through shortly with refreshments.
09:24TGV 12 is up and running.
09:32Let me talk you through my passengers.
09:35The man on the left, he's just a man.
09:37But the man on the right, that is the editor of Rail Express magazine.
09:42And I need to impress him.
09:44He's going to be reviewing this experience.
09:48Clearly, the best way of impressing him would be to beat Hammond and May to our destination.
09:53Come on.
09:54Let's build up that speed.
09:59Taking it up now to 40.
10:0445.
10:0855.
10:13D12 power.
10:15The editor of Railway Express magazine.
10:18Busking in the shadow of my magnificence.
10:25Oh, a train.
10:28Oh my god.
10:38Meanwhile, further up the line, May had also got his foot down.
10:4325 miles an hour.
10:46But this turn of speed was causing a few problems.
11:00It wasn't just the vibrations that were bothering the inspectors.
11:04The noise was also an issue.
11:09What?
11:10Do you think it's safe?
11:11I can't hear you.
11:13Do you think it's safe?
11:14No.
11:17Meanwhile, I'd caught up with the idiots, but I couldn't get past due to a railway network design fault.
11:25Even here, we're stuck behind caravans.
11:29If I'm honest, though, that wasn't the most immediate problem.
11:33Oh, for god's sake!
11:38I decided to go back in search of some points where I could change tracks.
11:44I do apologise. I do apologise.
11:47With Jeremy going backwards, James and I decided we had time to stop at the next station.
11:54James, stop! James, stop!
12:02James, we're bloody miles off!
12:09Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd like to stretch your legs at this immediate station,
12:12then apologies for the overshoot.
12:15James, stop doing the f***ing announcements!
12:18That's my job!
12:20Ladies and gentlemen, we're just pulling into the station in case you might want to stretch your legs,
12:25perhaps, or maybe have a walk.
12:28Come on!
12:30Meanwhile, I'd found a set of points where I could switch to the other track.
12:36Yes, now, this is more of a palaver than on the motorway, but I am now in the overtaking lane.
12:43Yes, I am.
12:44Let's go and hunt down James May.
12:54We're really moving now!
12:5770 miles an hour!
12:59Yes!
13:02That massive rear spoiler providing the downforce we need.
13:09And now I would show May that speed is right, speed is good, speed works.
13:16There he is.
13:17James May is about to be splashed by the mighty wheel spinning TGV 12.
13:23Ha ha ha ha ha!
13:30Clots.
13:34God!
13:35How did he do that?
13:38The sports train is invincible.
13:42Ever since the dawn of the train, it's been mired in this sea of turgid practicality.
13:49Nobody's ever thought, let's make an exciting train.
13:52And here I am in just such a thing.
13:56On Hammond and May's train, it's just one long, dreary trail of boredom.
14:04Brace! Brace!
14:13Some boo's come out!
14:39Oh, wait a minute.
14:42Now, since hunting was banned, one sees the horses frolicking gaily in the fields.
14:47Enjoying...
14:48Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
14:49Forgive me while I just back off and have a bit of a gloat.
14:52If we look over here, we see traditional farming methods.
14:55And I think that pretty much covers the lecture.
14:58I'm just doing a lecture on the countryside.
14:59Nothing to see here.
15:01And that's it. So now we'll be on our way.
15:06Oh, dear! Bye!
15:09Once again, the editor of Railway Express magazine was heading back towards Leicester.
15:15Ignore the enormous locomotive behind me. It's a glitch, really. Not my fault.
15:21It's a glitch.
15:22Our train was now certain of beating Jeremy's to near Loughborough.
15:27This is just serene.
15:30However, in the buffet car, things weren't going so well.
15:40I had finally found a passing point and was now back in the chase.
15:46Really sick thing now.
15:48Really, really, really moving.
15:52No time to lose.
15:5780 miles an hour.
15:59Ha ha!
16:06Meanwhile...
16:11Oh, dear.
16:13It appears my colleagues have a bit of a problem.
16:18Oh, dear.
16:18Ha ha!
16:19Ha ha ha ha!
16:27James!
16:28What?
16:28Your train's on fire.
16:30Is it?
16:31Yes, it is.
16:32Right.
16:35Well, there we are.
16:39Once again, then, it looked like I would be the first to our destination.
16:44We're nearly at the end now.
16:46And what an epic voyage this has been.
16:48Leicester, well, nearly Leicester, to the outskirts of Loughborough.
16:54A distance of nearly eight miles, and the sports train just about done it.
17:01Easing it down now.
17:02Well, I should imagine there'll be a fanfare.
17:07The mayor of Loughborough is almost certainly going to be here to see how he isn't.
17:13Nobody is.
17:15Not to worry, though, because the great pioneers are often unappreciated at first.
17:25But I don't think that's right. I don't think that does it justice.
17:32I think that the editor and the other men will agree that what you are looking at here is the
17:38future.
17:40And all we must do now is await the arrival of my less successful colleagues.
17:49I don't think that's what we're looking at.
17:49No, listen, listen.
17:50If you ignore the fire and the fact that we didn't get where we wanted to go,
17:54it was incredibly noisy, and the fact that all the passengers have run away.
17:58Apart from that, it was a resounding success.
18:00Yeah, I think we can only judge it to be a success.
18:02It worked as a train.
18:03We came up with something new and unique and brilliant.
18:05Well, I think it has a concept.
18:06Oh, hello.
18:07Hello, lovely.
18:08But the fact is...
18:21Now, before you complain, please don't worry.
18:24Most of the scum class was empty at the time.
18:26Anyway, we must move on to our next clip, which starts with me in the studio,
18:32about to set up some world-class ingenuity from Professor Jeremy Clarkson, who is a genius.
18:38Can you tell I'm being sarcastic?
18:40Good, because I am.
18:44Now, we all know the problems faced every day by the elderly.
18:48At home, watching television, something comes on they don't want to see,
18:50they want to change channel.
18:51Can't reach, so they have to build up enough momentum in their rocking chair,
18:56until eventually they can reach forwards and get it, and that's hard if you've got arthritis.
19:02However, you can now wave goodbye to the misery of being forced to watch Adrian Childs,
19:09because I've connected this chair to a 6.2-litre V8 engine.
19:15It's actually the same Corvette engine that we used a couple of weeks ago to power the food blender.
19:19Actually, didn't you say you were going to use it to power a stand of stairs?
19:22Yes, I did. Sadly, the test went wrong.
19:25Used an old lady and her spine, it came out of the top of her head.
19:29It was... Anyway, look, let's not dwell on ooh, killed ooh, because it's time now to test this one.
19:35Yes, I think we'll use a dummy this time.
19:37Yes, good idea with a dummy.
19:38Now, I should explain, okay?
19:40Normally, the accelerator for the engine would be on the chair itself,
19:43so the elderly person could simply push it there,
19:46but because we're using a dummy, I have the accelerator here.
19:49Now, the idea, we start up the engine, the chair begins to rock,
19:54and the old lady can effortlessly make Adrian Childs go away.
19:59So, are we ready to try that out?
20:00Yeah!
20:02Here we go.
20:18I think that didn't work very well because...
20:22No, listen, it hasn't worked.
20:24There are few issues.
20:25Because the noise is so great, you'd never hear television, would you?
20:29Yeah. But there is that, and the fact that the old lady has disintegrated.
20:37Imagine what percentage of my Top Gear life I spend sighing.
20:43It's a lot. Sometimes I sound like I'm deflating.
20:47Anyway, onwards we go, to electric cars.
20:50Back in 2009, these were all rather dismal,
20:53which is why Jeremy, James and I decided to build one of our own.
20:59Keen to get cracking, we went to the Top Gear Technology Centre and set to work.
21:06It's all very simple, really.
21:08I am in charge of the batteries and the electric motor.
21:10Clarkson is in charge, God help us, of the bodywork and interior.
21:15And Richard Hammond is in charge of the chassis and the brakes.
21:19If you are going to build your own car, there's no point just throwing the chassis together yourself,
21:24because you'll get caught up in 20 years of red tape trying to get it registered to use on the
21:27road.
21:28So what you need to do is use the chassis from another car.
21:31But there is a problem, because most modern cars don't have a chassis as such.
21:35It's all kind of built into the body, so you need to choose from an older car.
21:39Specifically, you've got a choice of either a Land Rover, a Lincoln Town Car or this, a TVR Chimera.
21:48I bought this one for £5,000 and I was going to remove its body and engine
21:53and then use its chassis as the backbone of our new car.
21:59James, meanwhile, was preparing to cannibalise something a bit less sporty.
22:05I shall be using the electric motor from this, which just leaves me with the problem of the batteries.
22:11Now, the Tesla, that American electric sports car, uses 6,831 batteries.
22:18But that seems a bit excessive to me, so to save weight and money, I'm going to use two batteries.
22:28Like all great car designers, I'd created a mood room, hung with images from which I could draw inspiration.
22:37Big cats, jet fighters, the actor, Peter Bowles.
22:43And pretty soon, I was ready to start work.
22:51It's a lovely material to work with aluminium because it bends.
22:55Car makers can learn a lot from this simple system I've adopted.
22:59Ow!
23:02And there is the precious chassis.
23:06That is the basis of everything we're doing.
23:08Double!
23:14In terms of construction, I've taken my lead from shelving.
23:19You simply get the uprights, which I've got here.
23:22There it is.
23:25Bolt goes through there.
23:27Damn it!
23:29How simple is this?
23:31One piece, another piece, bolts, holding them together.
23:36With the milk float dismembered, my power system was taking shape.
23:40That's 100 quid's worth of batteries, a 20 quid milk float motor, and what's this?
23:47Look at that.
23:49Is that turning round now?
23:51Yeah, don't put your finger on it.
23:52Well, I'm going to.
23:53As long as you two keep the weight of your body and your chassis down, that'll go like a stabbed
23:57rat.
23:58Are you sure?
23:59Well, it'll be a damn sight faster than a gee whiz.
24:04I'm going to.
24:05While May wired up his batteries and Hammond prepared his chassis...
24:08It's free!
24:12...I retired to the mood room to seek further design inspiration.
24:18Okay.
24:20Removing ancient history here.
24:22Is he...
24:23Yes?
24:24Has anyone ever done a car with a moustache?
24:26No.
24:27No.
24:33Having finished their jobs, Hammond and May left me alone to complete the body work.
24:39Beautiful.
24:48Our masterpiece was ready.
24:51Well, credit where it's due.
24:53It's...
24:53I mean, sir, I can't see any of the nail heads.
24:56I mean, it isn't...
24:56It's all right.
24:57You're pleased.
24:58Very.
24:59Amazed.
24:59I have to say, this isn't actually it.
25:03Oh, yeah.
25:05There you go.
25:13That is the worst looking car in the whole world.
25:16I'd rather look at one of your dingleberries.
25:18What is the matter exactly?
25:20Everything is straight.
25:22Everything is doable on your kitchen table.
25:24Jeremy, is that a section from a garage door?
25:27Yes.
25:28Okay.
25:29What's more, I'd fitted a tape player and, rather brilliantly, three abreast seating.
25:35Who's going to sit here?
25:36You haven't given him any headroom.
25:38Well, Hammond can sit in the middle.
25:39Oh, God.
25:40Careful of my roof.
25:41You're bending my roof.
25:43I can't...
25:43It's bending my spine.
25:45You really need to change the roof.
25:46That's no good.
25:47All right, all right, all right.
25:49Back to the drawing board.
25:51While Jeremy modified the roof...
25:53Out.
25:54Again, out.
25:55...Hammond and I started to think about a name for our creation.
26:00I hate it when eco cars are given a really pious name, like,
26:03Intelligentsia.
26:05So, we want to give it a more aggressive, like, Mustang, Tiger,
26:08Leopard, Panther.
26:09Or Vixen.
26:11Vixen.
26:12Sadly, though, Jeremy had beaten us to it.
26:18Jeff.
26:21And after some more styling tweaks, Jeff was ready for the road.
26:33I feel like the Pope with his head in a box.
26:37It works.
26:39Ow.
26:41What is that noise?
26:43It's the motor.
26:45It sounds like they're filming an episode of Balancer.
26:48It's an amazing racket.
26:50Don't knock, it's working.
26:52Open it up, James.
26:53Open it up.
26:54Yeah, go on.
26:55Give me the beats.
26:55I have.
26:56Is that it?
26:57Is that full speed?
26:58Uh, yeah.
26:59How fast is that?
27:02Nearly ten.
27:03You've built a car that will only do ten miles an hour?
27:08It... yeah.
27:10Actually, that wasn't such a bad thing,
27:12on account of a design flaw with Jeremy's shiny bonnet.
27:17Oh, I don't know.
27:19It's been cooked in the box.
27:22I'll tell you what, though, it works.
27:25It does work.
27:25I mean, it's going along.
27:26We're in an electric car.
27:27Which we made.
27:28It's fantastic.
27:29£6,000.
27:30Can you put three people in a gee whiz?
27:33No, no.
27:33No.
27:34In fact, we were so proud of Jeff, we took him for a drive into Oxford.
27:39Now, you do realise Oxford loads the motor car.
27:43Not this one.
27:43But this one will be welcomed.
27:46They will think that it's the second coming.
27:49Hippie.
27:50A hippie.
27:50See the happy hippies.
27:52Did you see the cyclists smiling at us?
27:57However, as we neared the city centre,
28:00James's power system started to develop some issues.
28:04I'm not going to indicate.
28:05It seems to slow it down.
28:06You're not telling me that the indicators affect the charge?
28:09There's something not quite right with the way it's wired.
28:11I felt a definite drop in power then.
28:14Why did you not fit more than two batteries?
28:16Because I wanted to save weight.
28:18Stop picking holes in it.
28:20James, James, James, we aren't allowed to drive down this street.
28:24Yes, we are.
28:25No, we aren't.
28:25We are.
28:26We aren't.
28:27I was right.
28:28We weren't.
28:32Oh, God.
28:33Yeah, well, you're going to have to turn around.
28:34You can't.
28:34That's a dead end.
28:37Hang on.
28:37It's packed up.
28:38Oh, no.
28:40Don't tell me it's died.
28:43Sorry.
28:44Why is it doing that?
28:46What?
28:47Because you designed the engine.
28:48Sorry.
28:49Sorry.
28:49Yeah, I was working.
28:50James.
28:51James, motorcyclist.
28:52James, motorcyclist.
28:52Look out.
28:52There's a perso.
28:53Sorry, mate.
28:53Motorcyclist.
28:54Sorry.
28:55Then it stopped again.
28:57Sorry.
28:58Sorry.
28:59It's got a bad connection.
29:00It just cuts out.
29:02I feel silly now.
29:04Oh, there's a policeman.
29:05There's a policeman.
29:07Every time we reversed, the motor cut out.
29:10So we had to go forwards into the buses only zone.
29:14Excuse me, Hammond.
29:15Sorry.
29:16Sorry.
29:20Having annoyed the people in the center of Oxford,
29:23we drove on and ended up annoying the people in the outskirts of Oxford.
29:28Have we got anyone behind us?
29:30Yes.
29:31Oh, yes.
29:32Yes.
29:32Yes, we have.
29:33Yes.
29:34This is embarrassing.
29:36And then it got a bit more embarrassing.
29:40James, this isn't...
29:41Why are you stopping?
29:42Please.
29:43Oh, God.
29:43James.
29:44Why?
29:47I've run out of juice.
29:52While James and Richard directed the traffic round Geoff,
29:55I went in search of some electricity.
30:01Tiny, tiny, tiny bit of left.
30:03That'll do.
30:03You've got room on the left.
30:04You're fine.
30:06Nobody in.
30:09Just go back a little bit.
30:14I thought everybody was unemployed.
30:16So it's left a bit.
30:18A bit more.
30:19No, no, left.
30:20Left, that's right.
30:21This would be an old people's home.
30:23They won't have electricity.
30:27Guys, we're going to have to get the electricity from this side of the road.
30:30Nobody is in there.
30:32Okay.
30:34Sorry, everybody.
30:35You are so kind.
30:37When you run out of fuel in the future, this will be your life.
30:41Undoing spaghetti.
30:43We're in.
30:45There.
30:45That works.
30:48Sorry.
30:49Sorry.
30:50Please.
30:51James, how long does it take to charge an electric car?
30:53Well, to charge it fully would take a good six or seven hours, but I think in two hours...
30:58Six or seven hours?
30:59My arm's aching already.
31:01Those are the facts of battery-powered cars. We know that.
31:05Still, much to the relief of everyone,
31:09Geoff was eventually ready to go.
31:12Let's see.
31:13Yes!
31:14Sadly, though, he was just as slow as before.
31:18James, you're being overtaken by children.
31:22A lot of children coming past.
31:24A bicycle coming by.
31:25With two people on there.
31:26A bicycle coming by.
31:29On balance, we thought it best to leave Oxford and get back to the Top Gear Technology Center.
31:35But then James took a wrong turning.
31:38Left, left there!
31:39What?
31:40With terrible consequences.
31:44James, this is the A34.
31:47Oh, God!
31:48This is a road with a speed limit of 70 miles per hour.
31:52A lot of traffic now.
31:55Can you drive with the hazards on?
31:57Yeah, but it might slow us down a bit.
31:58Oh, my God.
32:00James, get off the dual carriageway.
32:02Right, that sign says motorway six.
32:05I don't want to go on a motorway.
32:06Don't go on a motorway.
32:06James, do not.
32:07Is there a junction before that?
32:09Look at the traffic jam.
32:11I can't.
32:12It's too embarrassing.
32:13Look at the traffic jam.
32:14Come on, it's too embarrassing.
32:15I've got my head in a plastic box and everyone can see me.
32:19Do you know what we've done?
32:20We've made something worse than a gee whiz.
32:23Don't say that.
32:24Well, we have.
32:25I disagree.
32:26It's slower.
32:28Yes.
32:29He's being cooked.
32:30Yes.
32:31It's rubbish.
32:35Eventually, we ended up in the countryside, where at least we couldn't get in anyone's way.
32:40But unfortunately, the A34 had had a catastrophic effect on our performance.
32:49We're hardly moving!
32:52I wouldn't mind it going solo. I just wish it wouldn't make that noise.
32:57James.
32:58Oh, God.
32:58What?
33:04Please tell me that.
33:08You bloody idiot.
33:10Why did you think two batteries was the right solution?
33:13Tesla used 6,800 batteries for a reason.
33:18Oh, great.
33:19We're actually holding people up here.
33:21Sorry.
33:21Sorry.
33:23Come on, Geoff.
33:25Come on.
33:27Tell you what, James.
33:28What?
33:28There's loads of houses around here where we can get some electricity.
33:32More electricity.
33:33James.
33:33What?
33:34Seriously, why didn't you put more than two batteries in it?
33:36Because I didn't want it to weigh too much.
33:37Batteries go flat.
33:38This is important consumer information.
33:41Stored electricity is like a caged animal.
33:44You should have used more than two.
33:45Well, next time I know, and we know.
33:48We're just in the house.
33:49Tell me that isn't happening.
33:51Tell me that isn't happening.
33:52That's not...
33:57I don't want to...
33:59The lonely walk confirmed our worst fears.
34:04Geoff was dead.
34:10So, we return to the Top Gear Technology Center for a bit of a redesign.
34:14I fitted narrower wheels.
34:17And James mercifully found some more batteries.
34:21I've also devised a very, very clever way of recharging them while we're on the move.
34:29Meanwhile, in the mood room, Jeremy had decided Geoff should no longer be called Geoff.
34:37Hammerhead.
34:39Hammerhead shark.
34:40That's just a dolphin.
34:41Yes, I know, but it's like a hammerhead shark.
34:43It's not really.
34:44It lives in the sea.
34:45Yeah.
34:46I'll tell you the other thing we've got to have is the letter I.
34:50Why?
34:51Because if you put a little I, not a capital I, a little I with a dot on it,
34:54it tells everyone who sees it that it's eco, and that's okay.
34:58It does, because eco-mentalists are stupid.
35:02After many days of development, our new, improved car was finally ready.
35:12But, Jeremy, you haven't done anything.
35:15You can't improve on perfection.
35:17In any way, I have done something.
35:18Look, an energy-absorbing front end, and you can have massive accidents,
35:23and no damage.
35:25Well, because you could run this into a wood at top speed, nothing would happen.
35:30Then James unveiled his radical new propulsion system.
35:34Look at this.
35:36Batteries, as before, but a few more of them for extra power,
35:40but here's the clever bit.
35:41They are recharged by that.
35:43That is a diesel generator.
35:46That charges the batteries?
35:48Yeah.
35:48Is that a generator just from a shop?
35:51So, we've made a hybrid.
35:52Well, no, no, because a hybrid uses a normal engine that drives the wheels.
35:57A hybrid's a normal car for fools.
36:00This just charges the battery.
36:02What? It's a diesel electric.
36:04I got the idea from old railway locomotives.
36:07They had a big diesel engine.
36:07So, you just run the generator?
36:09Yeah.
36:09That means that you'll never run out of electricity.
36:11Exactly.
36:12It uses a tiny amount of fuel.
36:15Yeah.
36:16I mean, seriously, credit where credit's due, James,
36:18and that's not something you hear often on Top Gear.
36:20Or ever, even.
36:22That's actually quite a good idea.
36:25And this'll go like stink.
36:28And it did.
36:35So, James, this generator is charging the batteries as we drive along.
36:41Yeah.
36:42Well, that's brilliant.
36:43It's a hybrid.
36:44We've built a Prius.
36:47You don't think the producers are messing with the subtitles, do you?
36:51No, they wouldn't do that.
36:54Since our amazing Eagle Eye Thrust had had cost £1,000 less than a gee whiz,
37:00we decided it was brilliant and that we should put it on sale to the general public.
37:07However, before you can do that, it must pass a series of stringent EU tests.
37:13So, we took the Eagle Thrust to the motor industry's top secret proving ground,
37:19just off the A5 between Atherston and Hinkley, near Fenny-Braton.
37:25When we get out, remember, be positive, be positive.
37:29Yes, positive.
37:30Everyone's a customer.
37:32We started with one of the biggies, the crash test.
37:37We've all seen these.
37:38A car is loaded up with dummies and fired into a concrete block,
37:42while super slow-motion cameras record the impacts.
37:50I, however, am so confident about the Hammerhead Eye Eagle Thrust,
37:55that we will be using a different sort of dummy.
38:00Don't worry, we're coming as well.
38:03There you go.
38:03Done. Now, can you paint a Randall on my face?
38:06Why do crash test dummies have these things?
38:09I don't know.
38:09It's for the slow-motion camera that records the impact. It gives you a datum point.
38:15I didn't think it was fashion amongst crash test dummies.
38:18Are you sure about your new bumper design?
38:21Yeah.
38:21Thank you very much.
38:30We were a bit frightened when we saw the concrete crash block,
38:34because we had to crash into it at 30 miles an hour.
38:37But then Jeremy had a brainwave.
38:39Yeah. Remember what I told you.
38:42It's a very, very good plan, this.
38:45Okay. Now, let's see the slow-motion crash footage.
38:54We're going to crash.
38:58We're going to crash.
39:04Oh, my nose.
39:14Ow, my chest.
39:21Do you think we fooled them?
39:23Yeah.
39:23Yeah.
39:24We're alive.
39:25We're alive.
39:25Wow, that was...
39:27It's not even marked.
39:28Oh, man, that was...
39:29That's just staggering.
39:31I think this is very convincing.
39:35Okay, it is now time to watch that crash at the speed it actually happened.
39:42We're going to crash.
39:45Oh, my nose.
39:48Ow, my chest.
39:51And there we are.
39:52A superb result in the crash test.
39:55So let's move on, shall we, and do the pendulum test.
40:01This is designed to measure how a car will stand up to being sideswiped by a bus or a truck.
40:12Frankly, it was hard to see how we could possibly pass this, but then James came up with a plan.
40:18Right, we need the camera.
40:20Uh, yeah.
40:21A plan that would fool even the most astute EU bureaucrat.
40:26All right, action.
40:27Wow!
40:27Wow!
40:28Wow!
40:30Wow!
40:31Pendulum.
40:33Trois coul!
40:35All right.
40:36So now our car is going to face the fearsome pendulum test.
40:43Ooh,ış!
40:48Ow!
40:49Wow, indeed, another pass.
40:54and happy that our car was completely safe,
40:57we lined it up for a drag race.
40:59We would be up against a Toyota Prius.
41:04Chris Hoy, next-door neighbour.
41:08Hannah, the fastest girl in our office.
41:12And our main rival, the G-Wiz.
41:17This was the quietest start line in drag racing history.
41:23Until Hammond's start of the generator.
41:26OK, this is it. The future is here.
41:30Three, two, one!
41:37Did he jump the start?
41:38No.
41:40I am so in the lead straight away!
41:43Oh, the Toyota's gone.
41:47Where's the G-Wiz?
41:49I am all over it!
41:51Come on!
41:55This is brilliant, Quig! I'm going to win! I'm going to win!
41:59Yes!
42:00Yes!
42:02Yes!
42:07Yes!
42:08He beat the G-Wiz!
42:10He beat the G-Wiz!
42:12And as ever, Hammond was gracious in victory.
42:15Yeah!
42:17Oh, yeah!
42:18What do you think of that, then?
42:20What are you, stupid little plastic gerbil?
42:25Next, we had to drive on the fearsome Belgian Parve,
42:29in a test designed to measure both comfort and build quality.
42:34Ah!
42:38The chassis is smashing into the ground.
42:42It's his generator weighs too much for my suspension.
42:46Ah!
42:47James, James!
42:48What?
42:49The chimney's come off!
42:50What?
42:51Oh, that's...
42:53Quite a lot of smoke in here.
42:56It's all collected in my poke box.
42:59Yeah!
43:02But we're still going!
43:05Yeah, we're hammering now!
43:11How's one of the doors falling off?
43:13No, no.
43:14Well, then we passed.
43:15I think we have.
43:16It's an EU regulation.
43:18It actually says,
43:20if the doors are off, after doing this, then you passed.
43:24Well, it's still on.
43:28Although we'd been a bit gassed, the torture wasn't over.
43:32So we reattached the stovepipe and went to see how the Eagle Eye Thrust would perform
43:36in the fearsome steep hill test.
43:40Okay, we're off.
43:46Come on!
43:52Come on.
44:03Oh, I think we've passed this.
44:05Yeah, well done, everybody.
44:06That's good.
44:06Yeah, well done.
44:07I meant the G-Wiz wouldn't get up here, anyway.
44:09I meant it wouldn't.
44:10No.
44:11In the interests of fairness, we decided to see how the G-Wiz would get on,
44:16using, of course, an independent test driver.
44:22Is he good, this guy?
44:25He's independent.
44:26That's the important thing.
44:29It's £1,000 more than our car, this.
44:32Hard to believe.
44:32Will it go 1,000 feet higher up this hill?
44:35Well, let's see.
44:38It's struggling.
44:39Now, that's a failure.
44:41Yeah.
44:41Look at there.
44:42That's a failure.
44:44The ham-haired eagle eye was sailing through every test the EU could throw at it.
44:51But then it was time to head to the wind tunnel,
44:54where we could measure the aerodynamic efficiency of that body.
44:59Where's Hammond?
45:00I'll call him.
45:03Right then, lads, we're going to get on with this.
45:05Let's get going.
45:06That works.
45:07What?
45:07What?
45:08Nothing.
45:08Nothing.
45:09Well, come on, then.
45:09How does it work?
45:10I don't know.
45:11How hard can it be?
45:12Ready?
45:16Yes.
45:17Look at this.
45:19There we go.
45:2012.
45:2012.
45:20Here we go.
45:21Look at the speed.
45:2428 miles an hour.
45:26I'm going to take this baby up.
45:33When the bodywork ripples like that, it does look beautiful.
45:36It looks like a fish.
45:37A really square fish with wooden ears.
45:42It's also moving.
45:44It's moving.
45:45Did you put the handbrake on?
45:48No, that's...
45:49Stop it.
45:50Stop it.
45:50It'll go in the fans.
45:51No, make it stop now.
45:52Stop.
45:54Stop it, James.
45:55Stop it.
45:56How do you stop the bloody fans?
46:02Despite the slight issue with the fans, we decided that our car had passed.
46:07So we moved on to what would be the final hurdle.
46:11The I-Ham would be driven around the clock flat out on the Proving Grounds test track to measure its
46:17range.
46:19Obviously, in these conditions, it's damp, there's a bit of drizzle in the air.
46:24The concentration required to do this is just immense.
46:28No, Mr. Manning, we couldn't do that.
46:29No, we couldn't.
46:30But we know a man who can.
46:32He's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's vegetarian cousin.
46:47What's he called?
46:48His name is Janet Stig-Porter.
46:52Yeah.
46:54Right, fire up that generator.
47:00Go!
47:03Look at the speed, aren't you?
47:10James, how long, realistically, are you expecting that to keep going?
47:15Well, I've topped up the gen tank, so that's eight hours on the generator.
47:20Yeah.
47:20And that fully charges the batteries as well, so you get another hour out of those, just the batteries.
47:24So, realistically, you're looking for nine hours of running.
47:28Yeah.
47:45What's happened there is, well, the Stig's died.
47:48Yeah, and that's because the stovepipe came off.
47:51Now, if we reattach that stovepipe, I think I'm right in saying, am I not, gentlemen, that the thrust-eye
48:00eagle hammerhead is ready for its road test.
48:03Yes.
48:04It's ready.
48:06Obviously, we couldn't do that because we'd be biased, so we decided to lend it to Britain's oldest motoring magazine
48:12for an independent review.
48:16They test all the latest cars and innovations, and to make sure they didn't realise who were the brains behind
48:22the eagle-head eye-hammer, we had it dropped off by an anonymous driver.
48:30Hello, how can I help you?
48:37All we could do now was wait for their verdict.
48:51And if memory serves, their verdict said it was rubbish.
48:56Still, what do they know about testing cars?
48:59Well, quite a bit.
49:00Hey-ho.
49:01That's it for this programme.
49:02See you next time for more Disappointment and Ineptitude.
49:05Goodbye.
49:06Goodbye.
49:08See you next time for Disappointment and Ineptitude and Ineptitude and Ineptitude and Ineptitude and Ineptitude and Ineptitude and Ineptitude
49:15and Ineptitude and Ineptitude and Ineptitude and Ineptitude.
49:24You
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