- 4 days ago
Top Gear Ambitious But Rubbish S01E01
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:23Hello and welcome to Top Gear, ambitious but rubbish.
00:27How best to describe this show? Well, it's not a celebration, it's more a sort of, um, basically
00:35it's a load of stuff like this.
01:02That is the worst looking car in the whole world.
01:06Oh no!
01:12Mayday!
01:16Stop!
01:24You get the idea. It's basically a look back at Top Gear's design and engineering genius
01:30in all its forms. Although when I say genius, idiocy might be a better word. And we start
01:37with one of our very first projects, one which really did seem like a tremendously good idea
01:42on paper. You see, we'd noticed you could buy almost any style of car as a convertible,
01:48except people carriers. And we decided to do something about that.
01:56This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much
02:03to shout about. That's like saying, oh good, I've got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted
02:09diseases. Look at that, Piddington. Says it all. I've got a people carrier, I'm a bit of a Piddington.
02:18Behind the wheel of a car like this, you feel like you're drowning in wallpaper paste.
02:24So we're going to see if we can liven it up a little bit by cutting its head off.
02:31You see, the good thing about the Espace is because it's got a proper chassis
02:34and just a plastic body, we can take the roof off and theoretically it won't make it,
02:40you know, too weakened. Theoretically.
02:43Because you've done this before anyway. Yes, I have. It didn't go well.
02:46How not well? Well, I took the roof off and then the whole car split in half.
02:50You see, that's very not well indeed. Yes, it snapped.
02:52But this time, he is going to be our project leader.
02:56I'm going to be in charge... And he had an ambitious plan.
02:59This is my detailed engineering drawing of what I think we can do.
03:03Because it's a very long car, I don't think we can make a roof that all folds into the little
03:07boot area.
03:08So what I've done is I've divided it up into two bits. This bit at the back is on a
03:11frame.
03:12In the middle, I'm proposing this removable hoop.
03:15Can this be put up and taken down in under, let's say, a day?
03:19Yeah, yeah, a couple of minutes.
03:21No, two minutes is too long. Why don't I believe you?
03:22The modern convertible is a two-second job. My SLK.
03:26Zzz, zzz, zzz. You're talking about a camping holiday here.
03:30Almost, but the point is... Essentially, yeah.
03:32You said you were an expert. No, I never said I was an expert.
03:35What you've done is design an awning that you can put over your car.
03:40The next squabble was over the pathetic cutting tools that James had provided.
03:45You're quaking already with fear.
03:46I'm not quaking with anything. Honestly, I'm a chicken.
03:51Anybody for the leg? Oh, it's a bit tough.
03:54You'll be surprised.
03:55With our nanny state spectacles on, it was time to get cracking.
04:16This mail-order carving knife that James has brought is useless.
04:21So, I left Hammond and May to it and went to rent something a little more manly.
04:31Now, that's what I'm talking about.
04:37You know what I've just thought of? What?
04:40I'm cutting through the roof without I'm standing on it.
04:43Yeah. We were hoping you wouldn't realize.
04:50Now, the important thing when cutting through the pillars is to protect the glass.
04:55Oh.
04:56I broke the window a bit.
04:59Yeah. I've done a bad thing there, haven't I?
05:02Well, it's still convertible.
05:03Hammond? Yes?
05:04You see this window?
05:05Yes?
05:07That would have been fine.
05:09We don't need that one.
05:10Well, you've broken one.
05:10We do need that one.
05:12Yeah.
05:12And you broke it.
05:14We now had to be extra careful not to break any more.
05:18No.
05:19You're going to have to do this.
05:21Ah!
05:22That was yours!
05:23I didn't touch it!
05:25Yeah, you did.
05:26I didn't touch it!
05:27You did. You had the saw at the time.
05:29With half the windows gone, it was time to remove the roof.
05:33And we're going to...
05:34Well, it's plastic. It won't weigh anything.
05:35So, you grab that side.
05:37We're ready?
05:38Yeah.
05:39One, two, three, go!
05:41It doesn't weigh anything!
05:42It doesn't weigh anything!
05:44It's like somebody's espacer's sunk.
05:47That is cool.
05:49That's excellent.
05:50It looks brilliant.
05:51You've sawn through the sun visor.
05:54And one of the seatbelts.
05:55You know what I'm thinking now?
05:56What?
05:59Yeah.
06:00Yeah!
06:08This is brilliant!
06:10I'm not joking.
06:11If anything, it's better to drive than the ordinary one,
06:14because it still feels as stiff, but you've got...
06:16Look!
06:17The world!
06:18We have made something truly wonderful.
06:25James doesn't look very happy.
06:27What's up with him?
06:28He's a bit freezing.
06:30Do you want the heater on?
06:31Shut up.
06:32Put the heater on and see if it makes any difference.
06:34I'll put it on the wall.
06:35Oh, that's better.
06:36Thanks.
06:38Now, though, it was time for the tricky bits.
06:41Building our roof.
06:42Yeah, that's all right.
06:44James was in charge of the frame.
06:46Hammond was in charge of the fasteners.
06:48And I had the tough job cutting and sewing the canvas.
06:53You know you want it 57 inches wide?
06:55Yeah.
06:56The material you've bought is 55 inches wide.
06:59No matter.
07:00My sewing skills would compensate.
07:03See, once you...
07:03You never forget, really.
07:05It's like riding a bicycle.
07:07You never forget how to sew.
07:12Oh, damn and blast!
07:14What?
07:15What have you done?
07:16I've sewn myself to the machine!
07:19Oh!
07:21James untangled me and asked me to help create a hoop for his frame.
07:26You've got that bit perfectly vertical in that right...
07:28Yeah, here we go.
07:30This is the critical component of the whole design.
07:35And then that goes at right angles.
07:36Yep.
07:38Oh, you utter flot.
07:41Again, top gear.
07:43Ambitious but rubbish.
07:45This may take some time.
07:52Behind these doors, we had created a masterpiece.
08:04Hammond has done a very thorough job along here of anchoring the roof at the front.
08:08We've replaced the glass that was broken and that obviously does tuck under there.
08:14This...
08:14This...
08:15That's not a safety feature.
08:18There's James' folding arrangement that gets it all down.
08:21But it's the back where we're really pleased.
08:24Because what we've done is we've cut the tailgate in half.
08:27So you come back with heavy shopping.
08:28You undo all these.
08:29Takes no more than five or ten minutes.
08:32And then we've hinged it here.
08:34So you can pull the whole thing open and load up the boot.
08:38I mean, yes, there are one or two rough edges here, for example.
08:42But on the whole, we are very proud of it.
08:47To see how good our roof would be in real-world conditions,
08:51the production team came up with a number of tests.
08:54Now, our first challenge.
08:55Yes, indeed.
08:56Let's have it, Professor Wright.
08:58No idea what this is.
09:00Challenge one.
09:01You must drive the car with the roof up at a speed of 100 miles per hour
09:05without anything breaking or falling off.
09:08OK.
09:09Well, it won't.
09:09Good.
09:10Good.
09:12Obviously, we couldn't do this on the road,
09:14so we went to the Millbrook Proving Ground in Bedfordshire,
09:17where there's a two-mile banked circuit.
09:21It's been nice, chaps, working with you.
09:23Normally, I wouldn't wear a helmet for this.
09:26No, but on this occasion...
09:27Today, though, I am.
09:29Are you ready, boys?
09:30Yeah, brazed and ready.
09:31Here we go!
09:32Do it!
09:3435, 36 miles an hour.
09:36There's a bit of a draught here from these windows.
09:39I may have a look at that.
09:41Things were going well until we blasted past the 50-mile-an-hour barrier.
09:46Guys!
09:47What?
09:48Our issue's happening back here.
09:50What's...
09:51Oh, no!
09:52Your stitching is rubbish!
09:54It's fine. Keep going.
09:56Your stitching has let it down.
09:58That's because your stitching came apart.
10:00Oh, no!
10:01Uh-oh, what's that?
10:02What's that?
10:03It's all collapsed in the back.
10:05It's overhead.
10:06It's still on.
10:06My head's holding it up.
10:08That's fine.
10:08Just stay where you are.
10:1265, 66.
10:14Here we go.
10:1559.
10:16Yes!
10:17Ah-hey!
10:17That's my speed limit.
10:21She's breaking up.
10:22She's breaking up.
10:24Come on, you useless piece of junk.
10:28I am now part of it.
10:30I'm structurally integral to the roof.
10:35It's really not good back here.
10:3896.
10:39It's not good.
10:40It's not good at all.
10:4297.
10:46Yes!
10:46Yes!
10:48Yes!
10:48We're on it now!
10:48It's on!
10:52I'm easy to go down now!
10:54I'm easy to go down!
10:58So, we'd survived that.
11:00Just.
11:01And Richard and I decided to get the roof down.
11:07James said this would take but a moment.
11:10Let's lift them off the floor.
11:11Surely if we...
11:13Now, where does that go?
11:14It doesn't...
11:20It's neat as we can work.
11:25See, from a distance, it actually looks quite good.
11:29From the back end, look at that!
11:30Look at that!
11:34This isn't its best side, though, cos you've got the hinges on.
11:36It looks better to the other side.
11:39Righto. Next challenge.
11:45You must now go to Woban Abbey Safari Park
11:49and drive your convertible through the wild animal enclosures.
11:54Righto.
11:56Fine.
12:00But there are lions. You don't want to worry about the lions.
12:03It's the monkeys you've got to worry about.
12:07Have you seen a lion? Massive pointy teeth.
12:12Monkeys, they don't scare me.
12:14Oh, no, cos they're Barbary ape monkeys and they're really, really vicious.
12:17They've got really, really, really vicious teeth.
12:21Alright, put it this way.
12:22If you were to be locked in a phone box for half an hour with A, a monkey,
12:26or be a lion, there you go. What would you go for?
12:29The lion.
12:30What?
12:31No, because monkeys in confined spaces, those Barbary monkeys,
12:34they panic and they get really incredibly violent.
12:38I just love the way that James thinks that monkeys are, in some way,
12:41the greatest peril we're facing in the next hour of our lives.
12:47Normally, Woburn does not allow convertibles into its dangerous animal enclosures,
12:52but they were so impressed with the structural integrity of ours,
12:56they made an exception.
12:58Ah! Ah! Ah! I'm scared. Look, it's like Jurassic Park.
13:01Oh, so I'll film it. It is Jurassic Park.
13:03Please keep your doors and windows closed and, under no circumstances,
13:08going in a homemade convertible run of his family.
13:11These animals may bite!
13:14The African lion. Six tonnes of muscle and teeth.
13:19For anyone from Woburn, have these lions been fed?
13:23They're on a starve day today.
13:26Excuse me, it's Jeremy again. Did you say they were on a starve day?
13:30Yeah, we feed them twice a week,
13:34which is more similar to the feeding regime they'd have in the world.
13:38So, when did they last eat?
13:40Two days ago.
13:47Yeah, but...
13:48If you mention monkeys, I'm throwing you out.
13:56Oh, stop, stop!
13:57Holy momma!
13:58That's the spine of the last person who came through the convertible.
14:02To him, we looked like a sort of sandwich box with the lid half off.
14:06Fortunately, the lions had other things on their minds.
14:11Oh, look what's going on.
14:12Oh, no, he's...
14:14Lion porn!
14:16Oh, what are you doing, man?
14:18What if he tries to do that to us?
14:21With my point made, we left the lions and headed for the peril of the monkeys.
14:26Oh, ah, monkeys!
14:28Oh, some of them are like a foot tall.
14:31He's eating a carrot!
14:32Look what he's doing to it!
14:35But then, a really big one rocked up.
14:37Attack, monkey!
14:38Ah! Get off!
14:41That's a Barbary ape.
14:42That's...
14:43Ah!
14:44No, you've got to stay there after you muck her off.
14:48There's another one in the front.
14:55He's coming to go.
14:58We had to leave with our roof mascots still in place because it was time for our final challenge.
15:07Modern convertibles are capable of driving through automated car wash machines.
15:11You must now do the same with your car.
15:31The car wash selected for the test was brand new.
15:35It had cost the owner a million pounds and featured the latest technology to deliver the cleaning power of a
15:41Category 5 hurricane.
15:52Has anyone else suddenly become slightly nervous?
15:54Yes, I'm terrified.
15:55Yeah, I'm scared.
15:57It is quite cold this evening as well, isn't it?
16:00Yeah.
16:00It's already freezing.
16:02Let's have the heater on a bit.
16:04Yeah.
16:09Oh, here we go.
16:10I'm not nervous.
16:12No, I'm not nervous.
16:13It's fine.
16:13It'll be good.
16:14It'll just, you know, flap around a bit.
16:16My confidence is waning.
16:18I'm dry.
16:20There's a light mist coming into the car.
16:23No, that's just condensation.
16:24There's a bit of mist through the gap, but that's fine.
16:28I'm dry still.
16:30I'm wet now.
16:31They've got a bad, bad, bad feeling about this.
16:35There's a bloody big roller coming up the window.
16:38It's got to hit the roof, isn't it?
16:39You're all right.
16:39Oh, my God.
16:41Get out, get out, get out.
16:42I'm going to hit us.
16:43I'm going to rest the car, man.
16:45Get out.
16:45I can't get out.
16:46Get out of this side.
16:48I'm out.
16:48Run, man.
16:50I can't go.
16:50You have to go through there.
16:53I can't see him getting through.
16:54Just get out.
16:55Get out.
16:55Just get out.
16:59Keep running.
17:00Run.
17:03Over there.
17:09That's bad.
17:10That was bad.
17:14Uh, it's on fire.
17:16It's what?
17:17Absolutely.
17:17It can't be on fire.
17:18It's on fire.
17:19It's on fire.
17:20It's on fire.
17:22Just run.
17:25Just run.
17:28Another Top Gear mantra in action there.
17:31If in doubt, run away.
17:33Although we now move on to James May doing the exact opposite.
17:37In 2010, you may remember, an unpronounceable volcano in Iceland
17:42started spewing ash and molten lava into the air.
17:46In response to this, May decided he should go over there and attempt to drive up it.
17:51He is a very odd man.
17:59It's very hard to drive across Iceland at the best of times.
18:05But luckily, I had just the vehicle for the job.
18:10This looks exactly like the Toyota that Jeremy and I drove to the North Pole.
18:18More to the point, this has been to the North Pole with us.
18:21But you never saw it, and it never got any of the glory,
18:24because it was the one driven by the camera crew.
18:29After we got back from the pole, our car went off to a museum,
18:33whereas this one was just left to rot.
18:36Today, though, I'm going to bring it back to life and give it one more mission.
18:46Wow!
18:47I never actually thought I'd be so pleased to see one of these again.
18:51This really brings it all back.
18:52The ice going on and on forever.
18:54The boulder field going on and on forever.
18:57I can hear Jeremy going on and on forever.
19:02Oh, God.
19:05No matter.
19:06My job is to turn this into the world's first volcano-proof car,
19:11which means a visit to Emil,
19:14the 4x4 genius who built it in the first place.
19:19I mean, what are the unique risks to volcano driving,
19:22apart from obviously being consumed by molten lava and burnt to a crisp?
19:26It depends on how close you want to get.
19:28Very close.
19:28As far as I can work out, no-one's ever actually driven right up to
19:31the mouth of an active volcano in a car, so...
19:34Another top gear first, if we can do it.
19:37Yeah.
19:37Some people claim you can walk on hot coals if you wet the bottom of your feet.
19:42I was just wondering, if there was some system of
19:46continuously wetting the tyres, would it be possible to drive across the hot lava?
19:51If you don't fall through, possibly, yeah, if you drive fast.
19:58Emil didn't look very confident.
20:01But we set to work anyway.
20:06And by the next morning, the volcano buster was ready.
20:15I know I look a bit like a petty thief on my way home from some corrugated
20:19roof robbery at the allotment, but there's a very good reason for all this.
20:23The lava occasionally goes over an area of water and that causes an explosion,
20:28throwing bits of lava and rock up into the air.
20:31So that's there to stop those lumps coming down and breaking the windscreen.
20:35Or my head.
20:39We have also fitted our new and pioneering tyre cooling system.
20:44There's an oil drum on the back full of water and pipes feed the water to the tyres.
20:49Now, obviously, there's a risk of it freezing and we can't put antifreeze in the water
20:52because that pollutes the glacier. So we've added a dash of vodka.
21:02As I drove onto the glacier, I stopped to hook up with a volcanologist,
21:06who couldn't get to the volcano because of the weather.
21:14And it is fantastically windy. I've never seen or felt a wind like it.
21:20Because of this storm that has been raging for the last few days,
21:23we haven't really been able to visit the area to see what's going on there.
21:27So at the moment, with this weather and this whiteout,
21:32really nobody knows what's happening.
21:33Exactly. Nobody can see.
21:37As night fell, the storm became worse.
21:40It was so bad that by morning, it had taken the lives of two locals.
21:48This is what we're seeing, or what we're not seeing, I should say.
21:54The visibility is probably less than 10 metres.
21:58We reckoned that as long as we could follow the car carrying Emil and the camera crew,
22:03we'd be OK.
22:06Yeah, there he is.
22:09But we weren't.
22:12Oh, I've lost the tail lights.
22:16Wow, that is dark.
22:18Soon, we were completely lost.
22:20Can you see any red lights?
22:23I don't see anything.
22:29Right.
22:30We are now effectively driving on instruments.
22:33Outside the window is just...
22:35It is a complete sheet of white. There's a blizzard going.
22:38The windscreen itself is freezing up.
22:41The windscreen wipers are frozen up.
22:43It's quite unnerving.
22:45Eventually, I had to get out to unjam the wipers.
22:49It's a bit blinding.
22:55Look at that.
23:15I've never known anything like that.
23:17I hadn't realised how strong that was, being in here.
23:20I could hardly stand up.
23:23We ploughed onwards until, at last, salvation.
23:28Lights! Look, lights. There they are.
23:31Thank God.
23:34Eventually, the storm cleared and we arrived at our overnight stop,
23:39where we were greeted by a spectacular sight.
23:43Wow, look at that.
23:45Beautiful.
23:47How far away is that?
23:49About one and a half kilometres.
23:52I can hear it as well.
23:54It's like cannon fire.
24:06The next morning, still with no idea how big this eruption would become,
24:11I dropped off the professor.
24:13Thanks for a ride.
24:16I'm headed on alone until, at last, I got my first close-up look at the volcano.
24:33God in heaven, look at that.
24:40Lava was spewing out at a temperature of 1200 degrees centigrade,
24:44and right in front of my eyes, a brand new part of the world was being created.
24:49It was now my job to test our volcano car by driving up to the crater
24:53and scooping up a fresh piece of landscape as a souvenir.
24:58And to help me with that, they've given me a garden trowel on an extending pole,
25:03held on with sticky tape, and a bucket.
25:09And, of course, I have my corrugated roof,
25:11and I am in the best off-road vehicle I've ever driven.
25:16So, piece of cake, really. Here we go.
25:31Does look quite angry.
25:35Oh, God, look at that.
25:38Even though I was driving on lava that had fallen days ago,
25:42it was still red-hot, and the Top Gear vodka tyre cooling system was working overtime.
25:49Right, what I need is for a piece to land quite nearly,
25:52and then I can reach out of the window and grab it.
26:01Bravely, I decided that was far enough.
26:04Oh, my word.
26:06I don't know if you can see this as well as I can,
26:08but there's raining red-hot lumps. It's quite...
26:12God, that's hot.
26:16It was time to break out the lava scoop.
26:24What the hell?
26:26Look at the size of that.
26:28A piece of that would do nicely.
26:42Oh, that's getting a bit frisky.
26:51In the excitement of bagging a souvenir, I'd stayed still for too long.
26:55Oh, my God.
26:59They're on fire.
27:02Right, I'm off.
27:06With the tyres steaming, I beat a retreat from the volcano,
27:10clutching my brand-new piece of planet Earth.
27:15I claim you for Queen Elizabeth and Top Gear.
27:24And best of all, the unsung hero finally got the recognition it deserves.
27:30Oh, my God.
27:42Now, whenever you watch those police stop action programmes,
27:46all the American chases are exciting and end in an explosion.
27:50And all the British chases don't.
27:53This seems to be because British police are scared of damaging their expensive cars.
27:58So we set out to create much cheaper police cars that our police could use to look cool on telly.
28:09I was the first to arrive.
28:14OK, what I've got here is a Fiat Coupe.
28:18Paid £900 for it, so the police could buy...
28:22getting on for ten of these for the cost of one Astra.
28:26And this is the 20-valve five-cylinder turbo version, so it does 152 miles an hour.
28:32And, of course, if it were ever to appear on one of those police crash accident programmes,
28:37it would make our officers look rakish.
28:40Sadly, the same couldn't be said of James's car.
28:45Masonry opens doors, James. Here, look. Let me show you.
28:47Morning.
28:48Well, I know to join the police, you have to be in the Masons,
28:50and therefore you've got a Mason's car.
28:52Therefore, I'm doing the secret handshake.
28:54Morning.
28:55It's a Lexus, James.
28:57It is, yes.
28:57And you paid...
28:58£900.
29:00But you could have had one of these. I paid £900 for that. Much better.
29:02OK, the police has a recruitment problem.
29:04Yes.
29:05So you've got an advert saying,
29:06wanted policemen to spend all day driving around in very boring Lexus,
29:10or policemen wanted to drive 20-valve turbocharged R-registered Fiat Coupe.
29:15To the garage.
29:16There's nothing wrong with it.
29:18Not yet.
29:18Our argument was then brought to a shuddering halt.
29:22But it is!
29:24It's like...
29:25Officer Barbie has arrived.
29:32What the...
29:34Yeah!
29:36Well, they all run round in Range Rovers.
29:38It's the police!
29:39Not an air-dressing salon.
29:40You see police in Range Rovers all the time.
29:42This is a budget, but I think pretty nifty alternative.
29:45It is a 1994 Suzuki Vitara 1.6 JLX SE.
29:51How's this going to look when you pull up outside someone's house to tell them that
29:54their husband's just been killed in an industrial accident?
30:01James and Richard then set about my Don Johnson-mobile.
30:05So you're going to get...
30:06Climb into the cab of the AA recovery vehicle and say, follow that.
30:11You're nicked.
30:12And have you got a fan belt for an old Fiat?
30:14Because it's...
30:16But I retaliated by demonstrating a special feature.
30:20Can you open the boot?
30:22Yeah, don't they?
30:23You see...
30:24Yeah.
30:25An armed siege, okay?
30:27Yeah.
30:27I'm pinned down in the car by Robert De Niro.
30:30I need to get at my M16.
30:32I'd just come through here without getting out of the car.
30:34It really was time for a challenge.
30:38We don't yet know what we've got to do.
30:40Well, if it's go to Brighton and pose undercover in gay clubs,
30:43you're right there already.
30:45Yeah.
30:47We've got a challenge here, boys.
30:48Don't let it have the word Brighton in it.
30:52Now that you have your cars, you must each use your skill and ingenuity
30:56to turn them into the perfect modern police car for no more than £500.
31:02You must meet up at the track for a series of tests to find out which one is best.
31:09A few days and several pots of paint later, we were ready and I was the first to arrive.
31:20A few days and a few days and a few days and a few days and a few days and
31:21a few days.
31:21Morning, all.
31:22Here's what I've done.
31:23Classic British police livery, classic stripes, the inverted plant pot blue light,
31:28as you'd expect, and a mission statement for the modern age.
31:31Catching crims and locking them up in your community.
31:37Oh, good God, the carabinieri have arrived.
31:41Feast upon my magnificence.
31:43Hang on. Stand aside. What's that?
31:47Bodicea conquered the entire Roman army using something very similar to this,
31:51so I should be able to easily conquer four hoodies in a stolen Datsun.
31:55What happens if you just pull up next to the pavement and there are some women and children walking around?
31:58They'll have their legs cut off.
32:00In jail, no-one can hear you scream. Scary.
32:03Bodicea wheel attachments. Scary.
32:05You presumably have nothing.
32:07Wrong.
32:08These four nozzles are paint guns.
32:12Yeah.
32:12So you drive in front of the crims, who are trying to get away.
32:15These fire a great cloud of pink paint all over the windscreen,
32:17and they have to stop because they can't see.
32:19All you're going to do with this is generate headlines.
32:22Police chop more people's feet off.
32:24All you're going to do with this is respray the front of people's cars.
32:27James then demonstrated his siren.
32:32Which he'd got from an ice cream van.
32:37They're going to be really impressed with that on an American police video.
32:40No, they stopped for an ice cream and then they're nicked.
32:42Mine was much more high-tech.
32:47Oh, wait, no, that's the cow.
32:50Things were not going well.
32:53And then they got worse.
32:59Oh, God in heaven.
33:01The Patcott boys are here.
33:02Yeah.
33:03No, wait, the police.
33:05Yeah, well, the police are coming.
33:06The police.
33:07The police are here.
33:09No, you saw me coming, didn't you?
33:11Straight away.
33:12One of the biggest problems the police face,
33:13trying to get somebody out of the way with blues and twos on.
33:15I've got a lot of blues and twos.
33:17They will see me coming.
33:18Well, we've got to ask, okay?
33:20Yeah.
33:20You notice that?
33:21Yeah.
33:21This is...
33:22It's genius.
33:23It's a stinger.
33:24Okay, you get the word over your radio
33:26that you might need to stop a bad day.
33:28Rather than pulling out and blocking with your car,
33:30which is frankly dangerous,
33:31you just stop very quickly and then...
33:36It was unmistakably a doormat with some nails in it.
33:40So we moved on.
33:42A police car has to be fast.
33:45Ah.
33:46To see how quick your cars are,
33:48the Stig will now drive one timed lap
33:50in the standard British police issue Vauxhall Astra Diesel.
33:54All you have to do is beat his time in your cars.
33:58Bonus points will be awarded for flamboyant driving style,
34:03which will look good on a police kill action programme.
34:06Yes.
34:07Yes.
34:08Right.
34:09Flamboyant and fast.
34:10Only one person can win this.
34:15Three, two, one.
34:21He's proceeding in a westerly direction.
34:26Honestly, giving the British police cars like that to save money
34:29is the same as the Queen saying,
34:30well, change the guard.
34:31They can all wear primer.
34:34Here comes the British army.
34:36They're wearing beach towels,
34:37because that saves money.
34:40How would the Blues Brothers have looked?
34:45And there he is.
34:47How long?
34:48One minute 48.
34:5048 is quicker than most of our celebrities
34:53throw around here in the La Sette.
34:55Is it?
34:56Is it?
34:57Then it was our turn,
34:59and the gentle touch went first.
35:01Three, two, one, go.
35:06Well, that began.
35:07He pulled away.
35:08I pulled away.
35:09Sadly, James's idea of flamboyant driving
35:12isn't quite the same as everyone else's.
35:16That'll look excellent.
35:17I wonder if it's got traction control.
35:19I don't think it's necessary.
35:23The tyre square from the 1970s.
35:27Left.
35:29I hope you like prison food,
35:31Crim's.
35:33Looking good.
35:34Cock.
35:37Bit of task, Will.
35:38Maybe there'll be a bit more here.
35:39I'll make it out of the way.
35:47Can I help you, sir?
35:49That's not bad.
35:51It's two minutes.
35:52Point oh three.
35:54It is pretty good.
35:55Two minutes, James.
35:58I was next to give it a bash in my Fiat.
36:01But before I do, I want to make it look good,
36:04so I just brought this.
36:05Oh, wow.
36:06That's right.
36:07You're on your own.
36:08You see, you go for the soft focus.
36:11See, now, when I set off, swooping J-turn, soft focus.
36:15You're just going for extra points for flamboyance, yeah?
36:24Oh, damn it! Blast!
36:26Oh, that's good.
36:28Wow, a lot of points there.
36:33Are we in soft focus as well?
36:35No.
36:37Ah, I fear my...
36:39Yes, I fear the Bodicea wheel attachments have affected the wheel balance.
36:44Somewhat.
36:45It wasn't an option on the original car.
36:47No, Bodicea spiked.
36:48You didn't hear people driving around and say,
36:50I've got a Fiat Coupe, it's great,
36:51but I just wish the rear wheels were a bit heavier and out of balance.
36:57It'll look good, okay?
36:58They're going to cut in for a shot at the driver.
37:06I can hear a lot of noise, but not a lot of movement.
37:09It's very much like Jeremy, that car.
37:11Oh, is that a cook tip?
37:13Hideously there.
37:14I'm suggesting getting back.
37:15Yeah, I think you're right.
37:16I'm thinking further with those things on the side.
37:19Further still.
37:22And then a flourish to the finish.
37:26And flash the lights.
37:29What about that?
37:30What did I do it in?
37:32Um, two minutes dead.
37:36Two minutes and eight seconds.
37:37What, slower than yours?
37:39Yes, sir.
37:40Yeah, look, without the J-turn...
37:43You chose to do the J-turn.
37:44We didn't make the...
37:45You can't go up to a villain as a police officer.
37:47I didn't mean that.
37:48Just you come back and wait for it.
37:49Can you just come back another hundred yards
37:50while I do the J-turn again?
37:52What?
37:53Except I won.
37:54Well, you just didn't.
37:55And finally, from the streets of San Francisco.
37:59Two, one, go!
38:01Yeah!
38:05It's got four-wheel drive, isn't it?
38:06Oh, yeah.
38:07I lose the drama of the start, but at least it means I can go...
38:11I'm not in four-wheel drive anymore.
38:14That's painfully slow.
38:16How can I do flamboyant driving in this?
38:19I need points.
38:24Oh, no, he's broken the thing off. Look, he's broken his tongue.
38:27I've deployed my stinger there.
38:28Is he still on the...
38:30Hello? That'll help me.
38:33Oh, yeah! Look at that!
38:35That looked good in slow motion.
38:36You never thought to do that.
38:38I didn't.
38:38Past the gratuitous boxes.
38:43That was to make it look good.
38:45Shall we step back?
38:46Because who knows, handling-wise, what might happen there?
38:49It's packing up.
38:58There's got to be points off for that.
39:00Yeah, that's not flamboyant.
39:09There's an electrical problem.
39:13There's an electrical problem.
39:13Three minutes fourteen.
39:14Have you seen the front of your car?
39:16Yeah, but you see, you get points for flamboyance.
39:19Remember, we're making...
39:19This is good.
39:20Think of the spectacle I've just given.
39:22Right, I'm going to give you a big push and off.
39:26Go.
39:26Now.
39:33Yeah.
39:34What is it? Ambitious, but rubbish.
39:38For our next challenge, we were told to hot-foot it to the scene of an accident.
39:52As you can see, the road has been blocked with a crash.
39:55This is this here, you see?
39:57Yeah.
39:58Normally, it would take the authorities six hours to get the road open again.
40:02Yeah.
40:02You will now demonstrate that it's possible to be much quicker than that.
40:05Well, it is.
40:06We don't have to wrap them all in tinfoil blankets.
40:08We don't have to offer them counselling.
40:10We don't have to fill in health and safety forms until a week on Tuesday.
40:13We can just clear this in no time.
40:15Well, this is our chance to prove it.
40:16If you haven't got the job done in two minutes,
40:18motorists who've been held up will be allowed to pelt you with food.
40:21Good idea.
40:24With the clock ticking, Richard and I decided to take care of the cars,
40:27while Jeremy took care of the wounded.
40:32We were working well as a team.
40:34I'm towing that car!
40:37Sort of.
40:38I've got a live one here.
40:41And as a result, we had most of the wreckage
40:44and the bigger body parts cleared in good time.
40:50The road is clear.
40:58While we'd been busy at the crash scene, the real police had turned up.
41:03They wanted to demonstrate the official procedure for stopping a stolen car.
41:08The operator will dispatch a police vehicle.
41:11The Hotel Papa 9-1 Lima 375 Tango Papa Tango.
41:16A BMW colour silver, lost stolen report received.
41:20Throughout this, the pursuing vehicle will be given a commentary
41:23to all the vehicles that are engaged in this stop.
41:26The vehicle is trying to stop, trying to stop.
41:28The vehicles will be given the instructions to move off by the pursuing vehicle.
41:32It does seem like quite a faff.
41:34It is a palaver, to be honest.
41:36It's very involved.
41:38You know they have to fulfil 13 separate health and safety criteria
41:43before they can do this?
41:44Well, you could be abroad by then.
41:46Once the criteria is fulfilled, they will attempt to stop the vehicle.
41:49Go near side, near side.
41:51And under the instruction of the ground commander,
41:53they will get the vehicle into position where they can surround it, box it and stop it.
41:58Well, you just wind the window down, draw alongside, blow his head off.
42:02Or ram him off the road.
42:03Keep it rolling, keep it rolling.
42:05But the point is, the police won't ram him off the road
42:07because their police cars are valuable.
42:08They're about 30 grand each.
42:10Tighten up and stop, stop, stop.
42:12Well, this is where our idea comes in.
42:14And for once, the challenge was just what we'd hoped for.
42:17You will now demonstrate to the police how your cheap cars can be used to stop a stolen car
42:23without using £125,000 worth of Volvo, the RAF and 16 health and safety forms.
42:31And just to make your task that little bit harder, the BMW will be driven by...
42:37...Ronnie Stiggs.
42:38Oh, I know.
42:41Keen to try out his paint gadget, Inspector Morose went first.
42:46There goes a member of the criminal classes.
42:49So, we're now watching James in a hot pursuit situation.
42:53Yeah.
42:53How long have you got before you have to go home tonight?
42:57What was he shuffling?
42:59He's absolutely giving it the police shuffle.
43:00I'm shuffling the wheel in accordance with the police roadcraft driving manual.
43:04Hang on. James' plan is to deploy his paint.
43:06Yes.
43:07Now, that relies entirely upon him being in front of anybody else.
43:12Luckily, I had a plan.
43:14Right, watch this.
43:16I know what he's doing.
43:18He's going to wait for him to come round again and then pick him up.
43:22I can see the mystery approaching in my rearview mirror.
43:25But this sitting around waiting for the baddie to come round again.
43:29It could work on the M25, perhaps.
43:36He's pounced.
43:37He's pounced.
43:38Now, is he deploying?
43:39I don't know.
43:43Oh, I see.
43:44It's right on the windscreen.
43:46It works.
43:47That is brilliant.
43:48I'm amazed.
43:49Sadly, there was one invention James hadn't considered.
43:55Well, he's just put his wipers on!
44:00So, would Hammond have any success?
44:05It's a 1.6-litre salon.
44:09Come on! Come on! Come on!
44:11Give chase!
44:12No, look, that's pathetic.
44:15I'm a police officer. I shall never give up.
44:20Now, thanks to four-wheel drive, I could intercept the Stig and deploy my Stinger.
44:27This is £900 plus a bit of doormat with some nails in it. Here we go.
44:40Oh, no, he's driven round it.
44:44The Stinger needs to be longer.
44:48Now, all hope of succeeding in this challenge rested with Commodore Clarksonio.
44:54Right, now, in Jeremy's mind, this is already a magnificent spectacle.
44:57What I like to do is play music.
44:59Loud.
45:00This goes the hell out of it.
45:03It's Robert Duvall, Nate!
45:07I'm going to try something the Americans call pitting.
45:10My pop-like car along his rear wing, push his backhand out, he counter-steers, I then brake.
45:16And, of course, it shoots the other way.
45:21Unfortunately, none of what I just said happened.
45:26So, there's nothing for it.
45:28I'm going to deploy my boat of Sears.
45:31I don't think you'll take Stig's alive.
45:34Now, any second now.
45:40Whoa! That's uncomfortable.
45:42I presume, at some point, there's going to be a simply hideous accident.
45:46Yep.
45:46Come on!
45:49Yeah! Take that!
45:57I think it could be time to admit failure.
46:00See?
46:01That could have been, um...
46:05Something's gone wrong with the handling.
46:08You, what, failed to apprehend the miscreant?
46:16I couldn't agree with me more.
46:19And that's it for this blunder through some choice moments of Top Gear idiocy.
46:24Join me again soon when, for a brief moment, you may sincerely believe someone is about to lose a finger.
46:30Goodbye.
46:34I'll see you next time.
46:34Goodbye.
46:35.
46:35.
46:35.
46:35.
46:35.
46:37.
46:37.
Comments