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Watch Funny AF with Kevin Hart Season 1 Episode 5 online in HD on Dailymotion (2026).
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00:08I've been all across the country looking for comedians who have just gotten it.
00:12This person is eventually going to become one of us.
00:15The next household man.
00:17I want to help spark the next person of funny.
00:21And after inviting the funniest to Los Angeles,
00:24say your goodbyes and your congrats and everything,
00:26to the 10 that go, congrats on getting to the next time.
00:30Okay?
00:35We're down to just 10.
00:42Or so we thought.
00:45What's going on, Andrea? Talk to me.
00:47I'm quitting the show.
00:49I'm like, are you sure?
00:53And now for the top 10.
00:54It's getting serious.
00:56There's a life changing Netflix comedy special on the line.
00:59So I brought the comics back to L.A. to take on a comedy classic.
01:02A celebrity roast.
01:08Dude, we're here.
01:09It's so cool.
01:10Oh my goodness.
01:11Wow, this is gorgeous.
01:15Wait, Winston got married.
01:16I did.
01:18Yes.
01:19She was like, if you don't make the top 10, the wedding's off.
01:24Oh, Steve, how your wedding prep going?
01:27It's still up in the air right now.
01:28What happened?
01:29Y'all pushed it back?
01:30Yeah, way back.
01:32Like, how far back?
01:33Infinitely back.
01:34Oh, wow.
01:35That's great for Winston.
01:39Sorry, can I get your attention real quick?
01:40Sure.
01:41Yes.
01:42Unfortunately, Andrea Jin has decided to drop out of the competition.
01:46Is she okay?
01:47She's fine.
01:48She took herself out of it.
01:49Whoa.
01:50And just one more thing.
01:52Somebody else will be entering the competition.
01:54Oh, shit.
01:55I was annoyed.
01:57I'm just like, what y'all doing?
01:59Like, this is like the 12th hour.
02:00I'm adding extra stress to my plate.
02:16I was the only black guy.
02:18And now, I'm not.
02:20I tell you what, I love them, but I felt like a KKK member.
02:24Who's letting these niggas in?
02:25Bro, I was in Cancun still trying to get over the fact that I got kicked off.
02:28Then they was like, hey, you want to come back?
02:29I was like, I'll leave right now.
02:30I got to step it up, man.
02:32I definitely feel like I have a lot to prove to everyone.
02:34And I'm not doing this alone.
02:37Joining me, the queen of the roast, Nikki Glaser.
02:41Guys, how are you?
02:42But she's not just here to judge.
02:44She's also here to sharpen the skills of the next generation.
02:47I'm really here to talk about the roasts that you all have.
02:51Nikki's the roast queen.
02:52She's, in my opinion, the best roaster of all time.
02:55First, I just want to say, open your mind to roasts,
02:58because they are such a great way to showcase yourself as a stand-up comedian.
03:02The Tom Brady roast changed my life.
03:05I am excited to have her talk me through some stuff.
03:08Because, like, all I want is her knowledge.
03:10Embrace that for five minutes, you get to truly be, like, a psychopath.
03:15And say, like, the darkest, worst stuff that you would never even maybe say in your act,
03:21because it would make you so deeply unlikable.
03:23I'm tired of hearing, I don't do roasts.
03:25I just love stand-up comedy.
03:26Well, roasts are stand-up comedy.
03:28They're just jokes.
03:29It's just a different format.
03:30If you do a good showing on this, it really is going to show the world what you're capable of.
03:34Yeah!
03:35It's the greatest!
03:37It feels good, baby!
03:45Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Kevin Hart!
04:13Sit down.
04:14Sit down.
04:16Much appreciated.
04:19So before we do anything, I want to welcome you guys.
04:22Yes, this is Funny AF.
04:26Guys, do me a favor, man.
04:28Keep that same energy going for my damn top ten right now.
04:32Show some love to our top ten.
04:36Woo!
04:40Well, it's time to take on a celebrity roast.
04:43And at the end of the show, eight of the top ten will move on to the next round.
04:47And two, well, two of these comics will be going home.
04:51Yes.
04:52Yes, that's right.
04:53It's unfortunate, but fuck it.
04:55It has to happen.
04:57It has to happen.
04:59It's a competition, okay?
05:01But...
05:01Here's what it gets good.
05:02Tonight is the roast of Marshawn Lynch, and joining me...
05:08One of the greatest roasters in the business at the moment.
05:10Man, she is who I would like to refer to as the new queen of roasts.
05:15Do me a favor, guys.
05:15Give it up for Nikki Glaser!
05:30So good.
05:35Wow.
05:37I love it.
05:38Kevin, you literally changed my life as a Tom Brady roast.
05:41Because now, I can't go within 200 feet of Tom Brady, and that is...
05:46It's difficult for me.
05:47And I know I'm supposed to stay three feet away from you, but with our height difference,
05:51I feel like I am adhering to that tonight.
05:56I get to sit on this couch with Marshawn Lynch and Kevin Hart.
05:59What an honor.
06:00Seriously, my all-time dream two-and-a-half-some.
06:03I mean, this is...
06:06Thank you for letting me do that.
06:07Y'all show Nikki some love.
06:09Show her some more love right now.
06:12Right?
06:14All right, let's keep it moving, guys.
06:1613 seasons in the NFL.
06:18A Super Bowl ring with the Seattle Seahawks.
06:20The man ran through and past everybody that got in his way.
06:24Ladies and gentlemen, here is Beast Mode himself, Marshawn Lynch!
06:38Marshawn Lynch.
06:39Five Pro Bowls, over 10,000 rushing yards, a Super Bowl ring.
06:45Beast Mode wasn't a nickname.
06:47It was a warning.
06:47But off the field, a larger-than-life personality with the big kid energy to match.
06:55Winding up reporters at press conferences.
06:58Lighting up the big screen.
07:00Yeah. Hell yeah.
07:01Now he's here.
07:02And this time, the hits are different.
07:05This is the roast of Marshawn Lynch.
07:13Marshawn, these are just jokes.
07:15You understand that?
07:16Keep the motherfuckers to a minimum.
07:18No, no, no, no, no.
07:19I'm not a comedian.
07:20No, listen, no.
07:21I still beat ass.
07:22No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
07:25No, we made an agreement.
07:26You told me you were going to participate.
07:29I want to make sure you don't plan on meeting none of these people outside.
07:33This is the 50-yard line right here.
07:35Yeah, okay.
07:36All right.
07:36Anything you want to say, man, before we get active?
07:38Let's get active.
07:39Let's get active.
07:40Let's get active.
07:41Woo!
07:43Yes.
07:44Now, look, you all know that the prize for the winner of this competition is your own one-hour Netflix
07:51special.
07:51That's right.
07:53A Netflix special is the dream, guys.
07:55It can change everything.
07:57All right.
07:58Are you all ready for a great show?
08:02All right, then let's get it going.
08:04First up, guys, from New York, it's Usama Sadiqa!
08:17Keep it going, keep it going, keep it going!
08:21Wow!
08:22This is amazing, guys.
08:24Three stars.
08:25And now for the man of the hour, Marshawn Lynch.
08:27Clap it up, Marshawn!
08:29Whoo!
08:31Marshawn Lynch, dude, your last name is crazy.
08:34Because it's the worst crime involving your people.
08:39That's like if my name was Usama Usama.
08:45Tread lightly, my boy.
08:47Please don't kill me.
08:49Listen.
08:50Oh, God.
08:50Dude, you are huge.
08:51You are fucking huge as fuck.
08:54People say you look like Allen Iverson.
08:55Bro, you look like if Allen Iverson ate Allen Iverson.
08:59Listen.
09:00It is okay to put on a few pounds after leaving the NFL, but, Jesus, I didn't know you were
09:04gonna go from beast mode to breast mode.
09:05Jesus.
09:06Oh, my God.
09:08Oh, my God.
09:10Marshawn.
09:14Marshawn.
09:15You have one Super Bowl and two Super Jugs.
09:20Dude, you went from Seahawk to Sea Cub.
09:24I am scared to hug you at the end of this because I don't want to go to second base.
09:27I'll be honest.
09:29Ray Lau, I'll tell you what second base is later.
09:30I promise.
09:32People say he's the Shohei Ohtani of comedy.
09:35I'm like, that's not true.
09:36Ohtani has been to second base.
09:39Felicia Fox is here.
09:41Clap it up.
09:41Oh, my God.
09:43Woo.
09:45Felicia, if you're here, then who's talking too loudly on every Greyhound buzz?
09:52Oh, my God.
09:52The women here are amazing.
09:53Caitlin Palufa.
09:54Oh, my God.
09:55Hilarious.
09:57Caitlin was actually engaged for many years.
09:59It broke off and now she's dating again.
10:01Caitlin, you're like the Buffalo Bills.
10:03No matter how many black guys play with you, you're never getting a ring.
10:12But, guys, the hilarious D Fury, everyone.
10:15Clap it up.
10:16You creepy looking fuck.
10:20You look like you joined ICE because you already had some kids in cages.
10:25Doesn't Steve give that vibe?
10:27Enough nobodies.
10:28Enough nobodies.
10:28Kevin Hardy, clap it up.
10:30Good writing.
10:31Good fucking writing.
10:32Woo!
10:32Kevin Hardy.
10:34Listen, listen.
10:35I don't want to do a bunch of short jokes, so I think I'll do some long ones about how
10:38tiny you are.
10:40Kevin, you are so small.
10:42Like, did someone leave you in the dryer too long?
10:44Like, what is it?
10:45Man, you are the man.
10:46Dude, I know when you have sex, you get hard as a rock.
10:49Sorry, um, I misspoke.
10:50I meant to say, hard inside the rock.
10:53Sorry.
10:58Guys, Marshawn is an amazing football player.
11:01Amazing.
11:01He retired from the NFL three times.
11:04Marshawn, you are so unique.
11:05The average black man only leaves his family once.
11:10Marshawn, you're one of the most amazing athletes.
11:12I look up to you, dude.
11:13You are the literal goat.
11:15And a goat your size could feed my entire family in Bangladesh.
11:19Thanks for having me.
11:20You guys are great.
11:20Thank y'all so much.
11:21What's up?
11:23What's up?
11:25Yeah.
11:27Whoo!
11:28Oh, my God.
11:30Okay.
11:31From New York, it is Caitlin Palufo!
11:36Hi!
11:37Hi!
11:38Hi!
11:41Hello!
11:43Marshawn, really, why are you here?
11:45Did you think Kevin was a football?
11:47Okay.
11:50Now, I want to make sure you know, I know you're not dumb.
11:53I know you're very smart.
11:54You went to UC Berkeley, but you know.
11:56Helmet hit hard.
11:57Okay.
11:59Oh.
12:01I swear.
12:03Marshawn has taken more shots to the face than Nikki.
12:12Now, I want to be clear.
12:14That is not a cum joke.
12:15That is a Botox joke.
12:16Okay?
12:16I knew it.
12:18Olivia Carter is a new friend.
12:20Wave, Olivia!
12:21Hi!
12:23Yes?
12:24Or as I like to call her, anorexic Gandalf.
12:28Between your super religious upbringing and all that goth glam makeup.
12:32Girl, we get it.
12:33You were molested.
12:35Okay?
12:37Another pasty weirdo, Winston Hodges.
12:39Winston!
12:41I got to ask, Winston, if you're here, who's scooping ice cream in the 1950s?
12:45Oh, shit.
12:48Who the fuck do you look like?
12:49Winston looks like the youth pastor that fingered Olivia.
12:56Ron Taylor is here, Ron Taylor!
13:01Ron is so funny.
13:03He has so many jokes about hooking up with women.
13:05All right?
13:06I never understood how he got laid so often, but then I realized, oh, pity.
13:12I mean, who wants to fuck Ozempic Bernie Mac?
13:15Oh!
13:17Kick!
13:18Kick!
13:20Yeah!
13:21Anyway, Kevin Hart!
13:23Kevin!
13:25Now, I also don't want to make fun of your height, because I love a short king.
13:29I do.
13:29Yes!
13:30They are the best!
13:32Yes!
13:33They are the best at eating pussy, because they need the nutrients.
13:41That's why he's got so many muscles.
13:43He's so strong.
13:48Do it again.
13:49Do it again.
13:50Why do you think Nikki's sitting so close?
13:52Oh.
13:53I like being this close to you, Marshawn.
13:55I see that you're a little cross-eyed.
13:57I like that.
13:57Yeah.
13:58I think it's cute.
14:00Yeah.
14:00Oh, yeah.
14:00I'm taking a look.
14:02Oh.
14:04Marshawn, let's make a little mocha Travis Kelsey, okay?
14:07Oh.
14:09What the fuck?
14:11Marshawn, I bet being cross-eyed makes you great with the ladies,
14:14because you can talk to two bitches at once.
14:16Oh.
14:21But really, you are incredible, Marshawn, truly.
14:23As a 49er fan, I don't know what was more painful.
14:26Oh.
14:33I don't know what was more painful, watching you beat us or watching your acting career.
14:39Oh.
14:39Oh.
14:40Oh.
14:40But you are.
14:41You are so accomplished.
14:42Your career is almost perfect.
14:44It's spectacular, but it's so close to being perfect.
14:46I just think about that last Super Bowl.
14:48Shut the fuck up.
14:51Shut the fuck up.
14:52Shut the fuck up.
14:52Beat the fuck up.
14:52Think about it, Marshawn.
14:55Think about it, Marshawn.
14:56You were so close.
14:57Two yard line, seconds to go.
14:59And they threw the ball for an interception instead of handing it to you.
15:03Imagine, imagine if you had scored that touchdown, won that game, you wouldn't have to be here.
15:10Thank you, guys.
15:11That's it for me.
15:16Very good.
15:18Very good.
15:19Very good.
15:21Very good.
15:23Very good.
15:23Very good.
15:23Y'all good?
15:24I told you.
15:24That girl good.
15:25I told you.
15:26You crushed it.
15:27You guys baby in it.
15:28Proud of you.
15:28Thanks, honey.
15:33What's your biggest fear?
15:34Generally, my comedy is not very mean spirited.
15:37So you're out of your comfort zone?
15:38I'm out of my comfort zone a little bit.
15:39I'm just like really nervous because I want to do a good job.
15:41If you feel bad, say that.
15:43I think it's almost more interesting when it's a nice guy delivering the stuff against his will.
15:48Yeah.
15:49Yeah, definitely against my will.
15:51How are you feeling?
15:52How is all this?
15:53My big thing is, again, because my comedy is mostly about me, I have a hard time like being mean.
15:58Do you know what I mean?
15:59Yeah.
15:59Like being mean to like a stranger.
16:01Because I don't know Marshawn.
16:02Well, I know him of him, but I don't know him personally.
16:05He asked for it.
16:06He asked for it.
16:07Okay.
16:07He signed up for this.
16:08Okay.
16:09He can take these hits.
16:10He's a strong man.
16:11Okay.
16:11And this is your job.
16:12And this is my job.
16:12The thing I love about Rose is like I can say all these horrible things, but at the end
16:16of it, people are like, I want to be friends with her.
16:18Why?
16:19I should be locked up.
16:22We're going to keep it going.
16:24From Arlington, Virginia, here's Winston Hodges!
16:37Oh, thank you so much.
16:38What an amazing opportunity, man.
16:39Kevin, thank you so much.
16:41But what the fuck is this show?
16:44You know what I mean?
16:44Kevin, you make so much money, you could help real fucking people, man.
16:51Bro, fuck this show.
16:53Build a children's hospital.
16:55What?
16:55What?
16:56Oh, my God.
16:58I mean, I'll be real with you, man.
17:00I think you'd find a way to turn that shit into a TV show, too, though.
17:04Oh, my God.
17:04Wouldn't it be amazing?
17:06Next season on Netflix, Tommy wins a new leg on Kevin Hart, Healthy AF.
17:14Oh, man, good job.
17:16To the real reason for the season.
17:18Make some noise for Mr. Marshawn Lynch here, bro.
17:20I'm so excited.
17:22I'm fucking excited, dude.
17:24Do you know how fucking depressing it is to roast a professional athlete that has more
17:29television credits than me?
17:32Every day, dude.
17:33I had no idea.
17:34Imagine getting hit in the head so many times you get to go into acting.
17:38Do you understand that?
17:40It turns out CTE just stands for Casting Talentless Idiots.
17:45And I know idiot starts with an I, but Marshawn can't fucking read, so be cool about it.
17:53I love you three.
17:54I love you three so much, man.
17:56We got fucking beast mode, least mode, yeast mode.
18:03Oh, man.
18:05People have been making fun of my glasses.
18:06It's true.
18:06I can't see shit because when I got up here, I looked over here and saw these three and I
18:11thought Nikki was finally famous enough to have two black African kids.
18:17So close.
18:20Ray, your mustache is fucking ridiculous, man.
18:23It is.
18:24Literally on anyone else in this room, that mustache would make you look like a pedophile.
18:28Now, on Ray, it just looks like you're a little too old to touch.
18:34You can't go through.
18:37Ron Taylor's only here because he heard if he wins, he gets to be in the Jackson Five, you know.
18:44We got Felicia Foulkes and Eva Evans here.
18:46I'll tell you one thing, brother.
18:47You're not gonna catch a man dressed as a racist southern lawyer making fun of two black women, okay?
18:53It's not gonna happen, all right?
18:55These women are black, they are strong, and they both have fat asses, so they're okay by me.
19:01You know?
19:02You know?
19:02You know?
19:03You know?
19:04You know?
19:05You know?
19:06You know?
19:07You know?
19:08In 2010, Marshawn Lynch actually got his backup quarterback confused with a reporter.
19:16Marshawn can't tell fucking white people apart, man.
19:22Charlie!
19:23You can't tell us apart, and that's why, Marshawn, if you got a problem with these jokes and you want
19:29to see me outside,
19:30I need you to fucking remember.
19:33My name is Steve Fury.
19:46I love this.
19:47I love this image.
19:48We're killer.
19:49We're killer.
19:50Oh, the train doesn't stop now.
19:52We got to keep it going.
19:54From Los Angeles, guys, here is Felicia Foulkes!
20:00Oh, man!
20:03Oh, thank you.
20:05Oh, my God.
20:07I can't believe I'm here.
20:08I know.
20:09I know.
20:10Woo!
20:11No, I can't believe I'm here.
20:12I mean, it's like a complete honor.
20:14I can't believe I get to roast Marshawn Lynch, you know?
20:16This would have been really exciting in 2015.
20:21Nikki Glaser is here.
20:23I'm so happy she's here.
20:24Nikki is truly my favorite living roaster.
20:26I'm not joking.
20:27I love her so much.
20:28A lot of people say we pretend Nikki's funny because she's hot.
20:32Not true.
20:33We know she's funny.
20:34That's why we pretend she's hot.
20:36You know what I mean?
20:39No, honestly, Nikki, it's fine.
20:41I don't mind that you get a lot of plastic surgery.
20:43I think you look beautiful.
20:44You know what I mean?
20:45This is my thing.
20:46You do know they do asses, too, right?
20:51I'll look into it.
20:53Okay, wow.
20:54Seeing Marshawn and Nikki on a couch like this,
20:56it feels like the beginning of a shitty porno, you know?
21:00It's the beginning of a shitty porno, really.
21:02Like, look at them, you know?
21:03It looks like Beauty and the Beast mode, you know?
21:07I want it.
21:09I want it.
21:11It does.
21:13Don't worry.
21:14Nikki's such a slut.
21:15She's used to fucking guys that look like monsters.
21:17Don't worry.
21:19Don't worry.
21:20She likes beasts.
21:21But I don't want to roast you, Marshawn.
21:22You know what I mean?
21:23You, my brother, I don't like.
21:24I don't think black people should roast each other.
21:26Black people got to stick together.
21:27You know?
21:27I have your back, you know?
21:28These guys, they don't have your back, you know?
21:30If Ray Lyle's behind your back,
21:32it's because he's following you around the liquor store.
21:34You know what I'm saying?
21:36And Marshawn's not even the most dangerous guy on the stage.
21:38The most dangerous guy on the stage is Steve Fury.
21:40This guy right here.
21:41Yeah, he's a real piece of shit from Sacramento.
21:45Absolutely.
21:45Steve, if you're here,
21:46who's outside stealing my catalytic converter?
21:51I don't know.
21:52Honestly, I'm scared of Usama, too.
21:54Usama Siddiqui up there.
21:55He's the first Indian fuckboy I've ever met.
21:59Honestly.
22:00He looks like he'd charm a snake and then ghost it.
22:04Good.
22:05Good.
22:06Good.
22:07That's a good job.
22:08That's a good one.
22:09He's a pretty boy.
22:11But we're here to talk about Marshawn Lynch, huh?
22:13Give it up for Marshawn.
22:15Absolutely.
22:17Marshawn looks like someone gave Whoopi Goldberg the super soldier serum.
22:22No, I like your hair.
22:23I really do.
22:24I like your hair.
22:24I like your locks.
22:25I do.
22:26I feel like you look like T-Pain, you know?
22:28You...
22:29Wow.
22:29You do.
22:30You look like T-Pain after your career gave you CTE pain.
22:33You know?
22:35But I do have a lot of respect for you.
22:36I don't want to pretend like I can't do what you can do.
22:39You can't do what I can do.
22:41Well, that's not true.
22:41I can do what you can do.
22:43I could definitely lose the Super Bowl to the Patriots.
22:46That is...
22:50Okay.
22:50Thank you guys so much.
22:51Have a good night.
22:57I'm gonna sit for Lisa.
22:59I'm gonna sit for Lisa.
23:00I'm gonna sit for Lisa.
23:00I don't know.
23:01I'm gonna sit for Lisa.
23:03I don't know.
23:04I don't know.
23:04I don't know.
23:05I don't care what you think you think.
23:06I don't care what you think you think.
23:08Is it something you've done a lot of?
23:09I'm feeling good about the roast.
23:11Like my jokes.
23:12Like I believe in on my jokes.
23:14Yeah.
23:14I know that I'm sort of not a traditional roaster,
23:17because I'm kind of monotone.
23:18So, I don't know if that would be a strength or not.
23:20It works in your stand-up.
23:21You're made for this.
23:23Aw, thanks.
23:23Yeah, your delivery.
23:24Don't worry about your delivery.
23:25Don't change anything about who you are.
23:26Yeah.
23:27How you feeling?
23:27I feel like I wrote good jokes, but not like, ooh, jokes.
23:31Okay.
23:32Just go hard.
23:33I probably should.
23:34Do it.
23:35Don't leave anything on the table.
23:36Coming back into this competition, I feel like I need to constantly put the stand-up like I belong here.
23:40Like, balls to the wall, man.
23:41Like, make sure everyone remembers me.
23:43I just want to know, like, how you're feeling with this whole roast.
23:46I think I'm kind of weak on roasts of other people.
23:49But I think I'm okay on Kevin, and I think that's okay.
23:51Yeah, there's a lot there.
23:52Yeah, there is.
23:53I mean, there's not a lot there.
23:53That's what's there.
23:55I've been flexing a new muscle, working on something new.
23:58I just hope that it goes well.
24:00Yeah!
24:02The greatest!
24:07This next comic is from Brooklyn, New York.
24:11Here is Olivia Colwell!
24:21What do I say about Marshawn Lynch, you know?
24:23He's actually a good guy, you know?
24:26He gives out turkeys on Thanksgiving.
24:29This would be so much easier if you just raped somebody.
24:32What the fuck?
24:34Even if he did, I'd be like, eh, he gave me a turkey, you know?
24:40You haven't even publicly dated someone.
24:43And I'm not saying that you date white women in secret.
24:46I'm not saying that.
24:47Mm-hmm.
24:53But if you do, I'm willing to gain 100 pounds.
25:03Yeah.
25:04You chose Shaq?
25:05I'm just kidding.
25:06I'm more into basketball players.
25:07I'd rather get cheated on than killed.
25:14You got a decision to make, baby.
25:18Steve Fury, this is the most positive I've been,
25:20that someone has paid for sex.
25:24And yes, Usama is from Bangladesh, so he actually eats pussy with his hands.
25:31Oh, yeah.
25:33Yeah.
25:34Yeah.
25:36Oh, shit.
25:37That's so good.
25:38That's so good.
25:39That is a great job.
25:40Yeah.
25:41Yeah, he's a whore.
25:42Um, he even tells his right eye, I think we should see other people.
25:50Oh, my God.
25:52That's a perfect lazy eye check.
25:54And it's too bad you can't see Felicia Folk's smile.
25:57I love her smile.
25:58Sorta reminds me of Nicki's diet, you know?
25:59Mostly gum.
26:05And now for the man who's pitted us all against each other, Kevin Hart.
26:10Yes.
26:13Obviously, we all know he had homophobic tweets about smashing a dollhouse over a gay kid's head.
26:19But then where would you live, Kevin?
26:28No, I think it's shitty Kevin couldn't host the Oscars because of a mistake from his past.
26:33Kevin loves gay people, even though they all got cut and there were none on the stage tonight.
26:41That's good.
26:42That's good.
26:43That's fucking good.
26:47But Kevin, I hope you can still have your moment because everyone I have here what would have been his
26:522019 Oscar opening monologue.
26:55Do we want to hear it?
26:57Yeah.
27:03Good evening, faggots.
27:10Sorry.
27:11I'm sorry.
27:13I'm sorry.
27:14I didn't read it before.
27:16Oops.
27:18Thank you so much.
27:20Yeah.
27:22It was hard.
27:23Woo.
27:32Oscar monologue killed me.
27:34That was insane.
27:35that was funny that was very good evening I thought she was really gonna
27:48read a bunch of shit this next comic was out of the competition but when
27:55another comedian dropped out he answered the call from New York here's reg
27:59Thomas I want to thank Kevin Hart for having me be a part of this roast of
28:12Marshawn Lynch Kevin Hart is one of a kind he's the only black man in Hollywood
28:17who could crash a car and walk away with a tequila brand most niggas crash a car
28:25and get a court date he promotes that tequila so much I thought the name of
28:29his last special was drink responsibly which is hilarious cuz drinking
28:34responsibly is the worst way to enjoy a Kevin Hart film after three shots you
28:39like this little nigga is funny but with that being said tonight is about
28:44Marshawn Lynch one of the greatest running backs of all time
28:54Marshawn just based off your face alone I want to give you some crayon and glue
28:58just to see what you eat first have y'all seen Marshawn eating fucking skittles he
29:05like and here come white people oh Marshawn and I'm like this thing is slow
29:13that's tizzle I'm going to now give my attention to the whitest comedian on the stage Usama Usain Siddiqui
29:29when it comes to Usama I feel so bad for his good eye that good eye works harder than a
29:36single mother that good I was like god damn can I get some help around here it's just me
29:42throw it down
29:47I'll get it fixed
29:51next we have Winston Winston's a really good guy I met Winston's wife this week and I'm gonna be honest
29:57I was shocked to find out that Winston was married to a woman
30:02and then he asked me to fuck her in front of him and I was like that tracks
30:09next we have the horniest comedian on the stage Caitlin Palufo
30:16you gotta believe it
30:17Caitlin likes to get fucked in her ass because her pussy smells worse
30:22damn holy fuck
30:24good night
30:34from Los Angeles California please make some noise for Ray Lowe
30:45what's up people how are y'all
30:52Marshawn Lynch Marshawn Lynch everybody
30:57man Marshawn chose the number 24 because that's the biggest number he knows
31:03Kevin I gotta be honest I just want to say your comedy has been an inspiration for my comedy for
31:07a very long time
31:08which is why I'm not successful yet so I
31:10shit
31:12you're an inspiration it's my dream to become a world famous Verizon rep too
31:16you know I want I want that
31:19Kevin honestly I mean this whole show has been so amazing
31:22you know they always tell me don't meet your heroes
31:24so this show's been perfect you know
31:25you know I want to give you credit props Kevin
31:31I mean people always forget Kevin is a stand-up comedian first
31:34okay he's not just a shitty actor
31:39it's true I mean people love to hate on Kevin's comedy but Kevin has nine stand-up comedy specials
31:44if you watch them all in order that's a good night's sleep okay
31:51one of Kevin's comedy heroes is Bill Cosby that's where he learned how to put people to sleep
31:54so okay all right okay I mean a lot of people here have been making Asian jokes about me I
32:03mean to be honest I'm not even really Asian I just need to squint to see Kevin that far away
32:08oh there you are okay great I mean Kevin you look like you get picked up by the armpits to
32:13get your dick sucked I don't know
32:15I don't know
32:19doesn't it I mean just look at this
32:23I mean Kevin why do you always have the same stupid face for every movie poster
32:27he always looks like the rock just put it in he's like
32:32every poster
32:35am I wrong
32:37this is the rock right behind this is the rock
32:39this is the rock
32:42thanks guys I'm Ray Lau appreciate it so much
32:52some of this stuff is like borderline offensive so I'm a little concerned about that
32:55that's what the job is
32:57uh-huh
32:59roasts are stand-up comedy they're just jokes it's just a different format
33:02my fiance and I split up
33:03are you ready to joke about it
33:05yeah she did leave when I got on Netflix it was a little bit odd she stuck through the mics
33:08I know you're supposed to leave her
33:09yeah I'm supposed to leave her
33:10I don't like roasting at all
33:11you know Steven broke up with his fiancee right
33:14true that
33:15so you gotta hit on that
33:16you're really trying to figure out weaknesses in people's self-esteem that you can exploit
33:24it is your job on a roast to go as hard as possible and to offend people that's the job
33:29tell you what who knew so much goes into roasting
33:33I didn't know it was that much of an art form I thought it was just making people feel bad
33:37I know
33:37I got a lot of work to do
33:41okay guys let's keep the train going from Brooklyn New York it's Eva Evans
33:54thank you for having me hello everyone my name is Eva Evans and I'm the baddest bitch on the show
34:04well I'm sorry I'm the second baddest bitch after Usama
34:10I'm so happy to see my brother Reg here love you Reg
34:15Reg is so short and dark when he walked in I thought he was the ghost of the baby I
34:19miscarried
34:25Marshawn maybe I don't know shit about football but let me tell you this
34:28I was very excited to meet you because my homegirl told me you were fine
34:33but now that I see you in person I think she meant to say you were fined
34:38yeah
34:39the NFL took like over a milli from you right do you still have birth do you have any money
34:43left
34:43me and the gold diggers want to know
34:47Kevin I am so grateful for this opportunity thank you so much I love you
34:51welcome I'm also very jealous of you because you got to kiss the rock before me
34:58y'all may not notice but Kevin was definitely on Epstein's Island but he was not mentioned in the
35:05files because they thought he was one of the kids
35:17my good sis Felicia I'm so I'm so glad to see that comedy is going well for you
35:23especially after you lost your syrup bottle job y'all give it up for Aunt Jemima
35:31show her some love show her some love Felicia gentrified her pussy
35:37yeah but luckily for your white boyfriend
35:39gout diabetes and high blood pressure are not sexually transmitted
35:46Winston wears contacts and glasses and still can't find the clip
35:53I don't understand how he got married I really don't get it I don't get it
35:57Winston is from a small southern town when he introduced his wife to his folks
36:02they already knew her from being her parents too
36:07yeah he married his sister
36:11Usama you look so damn good in that suit baby
36:12Usama is the only brown I want in my panties
36:20cause I know that dick is bomb
36:24I'm talking out of this world trade center
36:30I don't know what's more lazy Felicia's personal trainer or Usama's left eye
36:37my name is Eve Evans thank y'all for fuck with me
36:45his next comic from Detroit to Austin y'all give it up for Ron Taylor
37:04well listen there's a lot of stars and stars to be here
37:09Eva is here Miss Eva
37:13I don't want to say nothing that's gonna get me me too
37:16but if comedy don't work and it won't just know I would not be your only fan
37:24okay brother Winston Hodges just remember that I was nice to you right
37:33Winston is gonna get a Netflix special one way or another it might be a murder
37:37documentary but this shit coming
37:48and of course the man in our Marshawn Lynch yeah
37:57Marshawn a Seahawks legend right right right brother Kevin a big fan of the Eagles and Usama
38:05is a big fan of the New York Jets not the team
38:11but the planes okay
38:17look Marshawn just got the aura of a loose pit bull dog
38:22just make people scary I think that's why white women love you actually
38:27cause white women love to rescue battered animals so that
38:32you're a wild boy the lore of Marshawn Lynch is very interesting it's like you was created
38:38like as a super villain by a racist nine-year-old like he's a big strong black beast that runs
38:44off of Hennessy and Skittles like okay
38:50Marshawn was also on the Great American Bacon Show he got kicked off because he kept putting weed
38:54in all the cookies they got weed in there it's fitting that he wears dreads because that's what
39:01he feels white women with when he walks next to him down the street I'm sorry look I'll be real
39:11Marshawn is the most Oakland person in the world dog like there's no doubt about that like Marshawn Lynch is
39:20what Ryan Coogler turns into on a full moon
39:25in closing look I want to thank Kevin Hart for putting this together
39:32Kevin Hart looked like the slave you get for free when you buy Marshawn Lynch
39:46just throw him in the sweeten the deal you know
39:57ladies and gentlemen I'm a strong believer that whoever goes last on the roast deserves the most
40:04goddamn energy because because you gotta go out with a bomb we're at the last comic ladies and
40:10gentlemen can I get your energy in this building
40:15I'm gonna ask you again can I get some energy in a goddamn building one time
40:25from Los Angeles California make some noise for Steve
40:34what is up yes ladies and gentlemen Marshawn Lynch is a legend in the hood
40:43to the suburbs he's maybe one of the yin yang twins
40:49guys Marshawn Lynch is so hood that he got his entire NFL salary through cash app
40:58is Venmo for black people black people are the people you don't let your daughter date
41:08yes give it up guys ladies and gentlemen your dumbest friends favorite comedian Kevin Hart
41:16Kevin if you're here who's currently filming the worst movie I've ever seen Kevin's dad was an avid crack smoker
41:25what are the odds that he and his dad's best friend would be the rock
41:29good shit yeah I like it guys Kevin is the only person to score a triple double in the celebrity
41:34all-star game
41:3510 points 10 assists and 25 uppies
41:41very loud great to see you not a lot of people know this but Ray and Usama actually tied into
41:47whose food can stink up the break room worst contest
41:52guys let's give it up for Usama or as the women he fucks call him scum dog millionaire
42:00damn by the way Usama I love the tick tocks especially the ones where you're cooking with your feet on
42:05the street
42:07oh shit that yellow goop you guys make looks exquisite
42:13coincidentally Ray's parents are also Asian they're dishonored to be here tonight
42:17oh
42:19Ray was supposed to follow in his family's footsteps of doing deep stretches in the park
42:27that's fine
42:28that's so good
42:30Brooklyn's own Eva Evans everyone
42:32how special
42:35Eva has been on BET, SiriusXM, BuzzFeed, VH1
42:39and The Windy Williams Show
42:41folks if there's something you don't give a fuck about Eva's been a part of it
42:48Felicia folks everybody one of the sweetest and best people I have ever met
42:51oh my god
42:52oh my god one of my best friends
42:55Felicia talks a lot about how her hometown of Inglewood is getting gentrified
42:59she's dating a white Jew Felicia the call is coming from inside the house
43:06Felicia looks like an elementary school bus driver that yells
43:08y'all better not be playing on this motherfucking bus
43:16you better not be
43:22guys Ron lives in his van so he might be the first person to have a Netflix special
43:26but not be able to afford the account
43:30I'm actually surprised Ron is here tonight
43:32he's usually at the library charging up all his electronics
43:38Marsha on a library is where you read free books
43:42gotcha
43:43a book is like a playbook but instead of pictures they use words
43:46words are the things you can't spell
43:50that's my time everybody thank you very much
43:57well deserved
43:59you guys all brought your form of comedy to the style of roasting and that's what the challenge was about
44:06I want to give a big thanks to Marshawn Liggs
44:08now Nikki and I we gotta go make the hard decision to see who's moving on
44:13we gotta also see who's going on
44:15thank you guys so so much
44:17good night
44:27I'm so glad this shit is over
44:29Jesus
44:30fuck
44:30they got the hardest job right now you thought roasting was hard but now trying to judge these guys
44:34yeah that's insane
44:36alright
44:36alright this is it
44:38this is just tough
44:39yeah it's tough
44:40it's tough
44:41I liked all of them
44:42if you had to watch someone do comedy right now who's set do you want to watch
44:45Osama was amazing
44:47hey oh yeah
44:47very very strong
44:49yeah he's got it
44:50I like his comedy
44:50he really does
44:51yeah Felicia killed
44:52Caitlyn fucking destroyed
44:54Caitlyn killed Olivia
44:55Olivia took some crazy chances and they paid off
44:59she was great
45:00you know who was meaner than I thought? Olivia
45:02oh yeah
45:03Olivia was meaner than I thought she'd be
45:04I was like oh shit
45:05I said yeah
45:07Reg
45:08I like the fact that Reg got a call to come in
45:11but he was he was ready for the moment
45:12he really was
45:13what do we think about Eva?
45:16maybe her jokes weren't the best jokes of the night
45:20yeah I don't think
45:20but I'm left after watching her set feeling like I had such a good time
45:24to me I like that
45:25who was trash
45:26for me it would probably be Ron
45:28yeah
45:29I think he did it in his way but his way was it felt
45:32it felt rushed
45:33it didn't feel he was prepared
45:35he felt like he was phoning it in a little bit
45:37I think he had the best joke of the night
45:39bro bro I think the slave joke was the best
45:42the slave joke was the best joke
45:43the slave joke was the best joke
45:43I think it was the best joke
45:44it was literally amazing
45:46I mean Steve is an amazing comic
45:48Steve
45:48the thing about Steve is like he just had too much and he didn't edit
45:51you know
45:51it was like too much
45:53too wordy and
45:54and he's delivering it all down the barrel
45:55watch
45:56yes
45:57I just wish Ray would have had more bits about martial art
46:00or he didn't hit you
46:01I don't think he embraced the
46:03the full capacity of the assignment of doing this
46:06he didn't understand
46:07alright Nicki I appreciate you
46:09yesterday
46:10putting so much work
46:11it was so much fun
46:12I'm so proud of these guys
46:13when we talk about cutting players and shit
46:15it's exactly the way we go
46:17as he go and deliver the bathroom
46:18as y'all go out and get out
46:19yeah
46:19we absolutely put it out there today
46:21no matter what happens
46:22we made it to top ten
46:23that's it
46:23we're winning
46:25ready?
46:26top ten on three
46:27one two three
46:27top ten
46:29I feel good
46:30overall I feel good
46:31you know
46:31it's a little nerve wracking obviously
46:33a little anxiety inducing
46:34but that's par for the course at this point
46:41I'm not a roaster
46:43it's not my thing
46:43it's not my specialty
46:44I don't do this
46:45anything besides stand-up is not my comfort zone
46:48so I'm feeling nervous
46:49not gonna lie
46:50I feel proud of my work today
46:51I know that I definitely
46:53put my best out there
46:54this is a nightmare
46:55I'm spiraling
46:56I'm joking
46:57I'm fine
46:57I feel great
46:59but I think
46:59the beauty of what you guys did
47:01was embrace it
47:02you embrace the idea of it
47:03while still staying true to your unique voice
47:06that's what the challenge was about
47:08this is a tough one
47:09but it's supposed to be
47:09if you didn't make it tough
47:11then that means that you didn't really do your job
47:14alright so
47:14eight spots
47:15get to go on to the next round
47:17two of you will be going home
47:19I'll start off by naming the spots
47:21that are being fulfilled
47:22for the next round
47:23first name
47:27Winston Hodges
47:28yeah
47:31great set man
47:32very well written
47:33strong performance
47:36Caitlin
47:37your personality seemed to get stronger
47:39and the audience was in your hand
47:44Olivia
47:46you're a great example
47:47I think of what I mean when I say
47:48stay true to yourself
47:49and I was very impressed
47:51at how you approached the podium
47:54Felicia
47:56I like how you kept it very personable
48:01Lusama
48:03the first comic out the gate
48:05you set the tone
48:06you really came out with a bang
48:09I'm also going to put through
48:11Reg man
48:12wow
48:13wow
48:14yeah
48:15yeah
48:16hey man you came in prepared
48:18you didn't look like a guy that was an alternate
48:20so congrats to you for seizing the fucking moment
48:25all right
48:25two spots left
48:27I think between
48:28the last four
48:30I can say that the conversation
48:32was very much aligned with you all
48:35nobody
48:35had a flat line
48:36nobody bombed
48:38Steve
48:39I'll tell you
48:39I'll be honest
48:40your set didn't start off strong
48:42but you had a nice build
48:44and I like that you stayed in the pocket
48:46Ron
48:46I think that you could have
48:48went a little deeper into the comedy bag
48:50that Ron possesses
48:52Eve
48:52here's what I'm going to say about you man
48:53you have a very raw
48:55I don't give a fuck
48:56I'm confident in what I am
48:58and who I am
48:59I did want to see more of you
49:01staying on the jokes
49:02and not moving through it so fast
49:04right
49:05you didn't hit the dais
49:07you didn't hit Marshawn
49:08but were you funny?
49:10fuck yeah you'd be funny
49:11all right
49:12two people move on to the next round
49:15this is not an easy decision
49:19my next choice to go through is
49:26let's
49:26say they ready for the show
49:29I don't know
49:30I don't know
49:31hit another stage
49:33gotta go
49:34gotta go
49:34turned another page
49:36another chapter long ago
49:38handling this business
49:39like a pro
49:40like a pro
49:41stay authentic
49:42we gon get it
49:43we drop in it
49:44represent it
49:45we jumped in it
49:45gotta keep it hot
49:46with the juice sauce in it
49:47never gon stop
49:48that's proof we quit it
49:49never gon stop
49:50we'll never quit it
49:50never gon stop
49:51this just the beginning
49:52never gon stop
49:53you thought that it ended admit it
49:54backwards, backwards, backwards
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