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Watch Free Bert Season 1 Episode 4 online in HD on Dailymotion (2026).
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00:28Transcribed by ESO, translated by —
00:59Transcribed by ESO, translated by —
01:29Transcribed by ESO, translated by —
01:30And, uh, you're sure it was the cookies?
01:34Oh, yeah, 100%. I mean, it's the only thing she ate all day.
01:37You know, intermittent fasting.
01:39Oh, yeah, I knew that.
01:40It's just so weird because I know that it said no nuts.
01:44What did?
01:45Oh, just a recipe or whatever.
01:49Literally baffling.
01:50Anyway, she's going to be out for another four or six hours, so.
01:53Wow, from a nut allergy.
01:55Yeah, well, I also gave her a little extra propofol, you know, so I can get a little golf in.
01:58Oh, you just put her out longer just so you—
02:01Exactly.
02:02You know, this whole ordeal's just been rough on both of us, so I figure might as well make it
02:08a win-win, you know?
02:09This way, I get to unwind a little bit.
02:11She gets to get a brow lift in and, you know, have a refreshing medically-induced sleep.
02:16She just slipped in a brow lift?
02:18Well, she was—
02:18Smart, right?
02:19Yeah.
02:19I mean, I figure I might as well take advantage while she's out.
02:22Well, not like that.
02:23Yeah.
02:23Can't get away with that anymore, huh?
02:26Okay, Mr. Landon.
02:28Oh, ah, yes.
02:29Thank you, Yoli.
02:30Do you have enough bus tokens or whatever?
02:33No, I have bus.
02:34Oh, yep, great.
02:35Even better.
02:36Oh, God.
02:37Love her.
02:38Oh.
02:38You know, she is like family to us.
02:40Oh, she seems wonderful.
02:41You golf at all, bro?
02:42I do golf.
02:43How about this?
02:45Come with.
02:45For real?
02:46For real, dude.
02:47I'm about to meet Glenn and Randy for a quickie.
02:49Maybe we even sneak in an extra nine.
02:51I could always up her meds for my phone.
02:52Wait, so you can just up her propofol from your phone?
02:56Yeah.
02:56Let's go, bro.
02:57I'm driving.
02:57Yes.
02:58Wait, whoa.
02:58Wait.
02:59Are you sure it's okay to leave her?
03:01She's not okay.
03:04That is a good point.
03:05Yeah.
03:06Somebody probably should hang back.
03:19Oh.
03:20Oh, wow.
03:21You're going to like that one, lamb man.
03:24So hang on a second.
03:25So the nuts were somehow in the cookies?
03:28That's so strange.
03:29How'd they get in there?
03:30I mean, that's the mystery.
03:31Yeah.
03:32Almost seems unsolvable at this point.
03:36Woo!
03:37That'll play hot.
03:38Yeah?
03:38Oh, yeah.
03:39Speaking of nuts, when's that surgery, Rando?
03:41Two weeks.
03:42Oh, hey, that reminds me.
03:44Talk to Dr. Sezekiel.
03:45This guy is all over it.
03:47He just dealt with a very rare case of testicular ectopia, very similar to Zach's.
03:53Kid was in and out in two hours.
03:54Oh, that quick.
03:55That is so good to hear.
03:59Nice.
04:00Yeah, and you know what?
04:00I just continue to have just a great fucking rapport with this guy.
04:03We're going to make a great team.
04:04Wow, wait, you're doing the surgery too?
04:06No, no, no.
04:07I'm just assisting.
04:08Now, Sezekiel, he's running the show.
04:10I mean, after all, he's the best urologist in the country.
04:13Yeah?
04:13Got a state-of-the-art facility down in Atlanta.
04:16Yeah.
04:17Now, he'll be handling all the plumbing, and I'm just there to, uh, well, make the thing look pretty.
04:22No, no, no, no.
04:23Don't be modest.
04:24Appearance is a crucial part in this.
04:25I really appreciate it, bro.
04:26Come on.
04:27No, I'm happy to do whatever the heck I can.
04:29You know, if I could just make the scrotum look good, make it feel good, and give this kid some
04:33of his confidence back, you know?
04:35Yeah.
04:36I mean, that's why I got into this game in the first place.
04:38Well, that's kind of beautiful.
04:39You're not just giving him back his sack.
04:41You're giving him back his balls.
04:44Bert, honestly, I just want to tell you, heart-to-heart, the levity you bring to this situation, it, uh,
04:53it really gets me through this hard time.
04:54Huh? It's the best medicine.
04:57Yeah.
04:57Bet she could get me through some hard times.
04:59Oh, dude.
05:01Amanda is my favorite.
05:02Oh, dude, I forgot to tell you, I sent her over to Dr. Shestak, a gyno buddy of mine.
05:07Dude, any hot chick we meet, we funnel her right over to Shestak, get the debrief.
05:13Oh, that's creepy.
05:14Last week, this one girl had cervical cancer, so we all got big.
05:18Oh.
05:20Bert, you can't see the cancer, bro.
05:22It's not like we're sickos.
05:37All right, you know, let's just take a peek.
05:41Okay.
05:42Pill's boring.
05:46Vibrate.
05:49Okay, I see you.
05:51What the fuck are you doing here?
05:53Oh, hi.
05:54You're awake.
05:55Don't sit.
05:56Oh, yep.
05:57Where's Landon?
05:58How long have I been out?
05:59I think, like, four hours or so.
06:02He went golfing, didn't he?
06:04If he left without doing anything.
06:06Okay.
06:07The browse.
06:08Yeah.
06:09Such a good call.
06:11What do you mean?
06:11No, just doing it well.
06:14It was just so efficient.
06:17Hon, can you get me some water, huh?
06:19Of course.
06:19Coming right up.
06:23Okay.
06:26No nuts in this, right?
06:27Oh, you know, I'm so sorry.
06:30I have no idea what happened.
06:32Well, obviously, the person who made them used peanut oil.
06:35Well, I made them.
06:36That's been established.
06:37But you saying that made me think, was my cooking oil maybe mislabeled?
06:43Huh.
06:43I've never heard of that happening.
06:45But if we're grasping at straws, I guess it's possible.
06:48You gotta figure what, like, millions of bottles of oil just pass through that factory floor every week.
06:55And what percentage of them have, like, the wrong sticker just, like, slapped on there?
07:00I mean, is it five?
07:02Even if it's two percent, that affects just a lot of people.
07:07Yeah.
07:08I mean, that has to be it.
07:09Because what's the alternative?
07:10That you lied and didn't bake them at all?
07:13Bought them at a store and tried to pass them off as homemade?
07:17Ridiculous.
07:17What kind of sad individual would do that?
07:20I cannot imagine anyone would do that.
07:23Right?
07:23Because it's such a pathetic lie to risk ruining your reputation at the school and in the community.
07:36Sweetie, would you do me a favor?
07:38A few favors, actually, since I'm stuck in this bed for a bit.
07:43Sure.
07:45Whatever you need.
07:47Oh, yeah, there's gonna be a happy catastrophe.
07:52Oh, yeah, there's gonna be a happy good times now.
07:56There's gonna be happy good times from now on.
08:01There's gonna be happy good times from now on.
08:05Hey, how's everybody doing?
08:07Oh, yeah.
08:08So long I felt so bad.
08:11So long I felt so sad.
08:14Happy good times from now on.
08:43Love you guys.
08:44Hit the link for the boys.
08:44Just take care.
08:45Just take care.
08:47Shut the fucking door for me.
08:51It was so weird.
08:53I was like, no.
08:54You have happy good times from now on.
09:00Go on and make the move.
09:03Get yourself another cruise.
09:06Happy good times from now on.
09:08So long I felt so bad.
09:12So long I felt so sad.
09:15Happy good times from now on.
09:20Oh, yeah.
09:21Happy good times from now on.
09:23Do you think I'm fucking dead?
09:26Congrats, babe.
09:27You earned it.
09:28You're doing it.
09:29You're doing it.
09:29You're doing it.
09:29You're doing it.
09:29You're doing it.
09:29You're doing it.
09:30You're doing it.
09:30Of course.
09:31Yes.
09:33You know, I just can't put my finger on it, but something fucking stinks here.
09:38Come on.
09:38Get in the hole.
09:39Straight in.
09:39Get the ball, man.
09:40Lots of weight.
09:40Here we go.
09:42Oh, that's it.
09:43That's it.
09:43That's it.
09:43That's it.
09:44That's it.
09:44That's it.
09:44Yes!
09:46Yes!
09:47Look at this guy.
09:49Wow.
09:50Dude.
09:51Such a pleasure, man.
09:53Oh, thank you.
09:54Yeah, he really fills out the foursome, doesn't he, fellas?
09:56Yeah.
09:57Perfect fit.
09:57Definitely does.
09:58It's funny, you know, Art, I never really had a crew before.
10:01As a comic, we have a bunch of friends, but at the end of the day, you're a lone wolf.
10:05Well, I'll tell you what, I think this wolf might have just found his pack.
10:08Yeah, he did.
10:09But you guys never had a fourth?
10:15No, uh, we did.
10:17But, uh, that was a long time ago.
10:26Gene Magnuson, but, uh, he's no longer with us.
10:32Oh.
10:32He died?
10:34No, uh, he had a bit of a psychotic break.
10:38Wow.
10:39Yeah.
10:39Became pretty unmanageable.
10:42I'm sorry to hear that.
10:43Well, you know what they say.
10:46When one door closes.
10:49You know the finish on that, Bert?
10:56Another door opens?
10:57Fuck yeah.
10:58I knew he'd get it.
10:59This guy.
11:00I knew it, bro.
11:01That guy is a son.
11:01Yeah, you think Magnuson would have ever come up with that?
11:03No fucking way.
11:05Take it easy, Glenn.
11:06Oh, my God.
11:07I love it.
11:09Hey, you know what?
11:10Uh, I just had a bit of a thought.
11:13Would you ever, uh, consider maybe, I don't know, joining the, uh, board over at Barking?
11:18Dude, the open seat?
11:20Yeah.
11:20That's brilliant.
11:21Bro, you would fucking crush it.
11:22And we could use another level head in there.
11:24We sure could.
11:25Not to mention the perks, all right?
11:27Check this out.
11:28You get to pick your teachers.
11:29The parking?
11:29Okay, the parking.
11:31Priority parking.
11:32Dude, Kirsten was a fucking nightmare of a student, all right?
11:36Failing everything, and then, all of a sudden, she wasn't.
11:40And that's from joining the board.
11:43Dude, she didn't just fucking get smart overnight.
11:47No, definitely not.
11:48Glenn, I've just about fucking had it with you today, bro.
11:52Bert, we'd be happy to nominate you with the board, if that's something you'd be interested in.
11:57Would that be something you'd be interested in?
12:00Well, yeah.
12:02That would be awesome.
12:04Consider it done.
12:04Oh, wow.
12:08The Wolfman, let's go.
12:13How am I supposed to write a complete sentence?
12:15What does that even mean?
12:16I don't know.
12:17Put a bunch of words together.
12:17Put a period on the end.
12:19What the fuck's going on in here?
12:20Oh, hey.
12:21Not right now.
12:22I've got to finish these flowers for Chanel's luncheon, and I'm on my way out the door.
12:26Yeah.
12:26We've been caught out of the loop.
12:28It's pretty hectic around here.
12:29Do we have a second, maybe, to hear my fantastic news?
12:31You're giving up your pussy away and going back to your old self?
12:34No, Isla.
12:34Quite the opposite.
12:35The guys have nominated me for a seat on the board.
12:40Okay.
12:41What?
12:41If anyone should be on the board, it's not really...
12:45I know it's more your world, hon, but at least one of us has a seat at the table.
12:48Look, you're getting fucking pummeled right now, okay?
12:51I don't want to say I told you so, but it kind of needs to be said.
12:53Please.
12:53This conversation is boring as fuck.
12:55Isla.
12:56Is that a complete sentence?
12:58Yeah.
12:59Yeah, it is.
12:59Good job, kiddo.
13:00Okay.
13:01I've got to go.
13:02I told Chanel that I would pick up Kirsten from school.
13:04No, I can't go.
13:05I've got to start a cold lunch with the guys.
13:08That's more important?
13:09And yours is?
13:10Yes.
13:10At least mine's pushing our agenda forward.
13:12Okay.
13:13Hey, this Chanel shit, it's time to call it.
13:14There's no coming back from this.
13:16He's right, Mom.
13:16The sooner you admit that to yourself, the better it is for all of us.
13:19Thank you, Ryla.
13:20It is not over, okay?
13:21I've just got to pick up Kirsten, drop her off, run to the bakery, grab the cake for the
13:25subtle sense, and then I am back on track.
13:27I've got to go.
13:28Bye.
13:32Who are the subtle sense?
13:33Fuck, fine now.
13:35Is that a complete sentence?
13:37Yeah, yeah, I think it is.
13:38Write it down.
13:38Let's see it.
13:40Fuck.
13:41If.
13:41If.
13:42Now, here's the tricky one.
13:44How are we going to spell no?
13:47I have a learning disability, but I'm not fucking retarded.
13:50Mm-hmm.
13:56Hi.
14:08Hello, Kirsten.
14:10Mrs. Kreischer.
14:11Hello.
14:17Hello.
14:19Hello.
14:22Look, Kirsten, I know we got off on the wrong foot, and feelings got hurt, and people
14:28go out of blame for things that they didn't do.
14:31I mean, this whole thing is just like one big misunderstanding after another.
14:36So I just thought maybe you could talk to your mom for me.
14:41Just kind of like calm the waters down a bit.
14:47Yeah.
14:48Yeah, okay.
14:49I'll talk to her.
14:50Really?
14:52Yeah.
14:53Okay, great.
14:53I mean, thank you so much.
14:55Um, and would you mind doing something for me?
15:00Yeah, of course.
15:00Whatever you need.
15:02Would you just tell Georgia that there's no bad blood over this sack thing?
15:05Oh.
15:06You know, I'm really happy for her.
15:08They seem great together.
15:09Oh, that is so sweet.
15:11Yeah, I can.
15:16You know, it's just been hard.
15:19Losing my boyfriend and my best friend at the same time.
15:22Oh.
15:23That's got to be tough.
15:25You know, I just wish I knew why.
15:28You know, like, God, what did I do wrong?
15:31Why this sudden change?
15:38Well, I mean, probably it's not you.
15:42You know, I mean.
15:43It might be more about Ham and the personal situation he's dealing with.
15:49Personal situation?
15:50What?
15:50No, I mean, not like personal situations.
15:53Like, you know, like normal teenage stuff.
15:57Right.
16:02I mean, it says so right in the handbook.
16:04I was reading it, and I thought to myself,
16:07what's the point of having a handbook for not going to follow the rules?
16:11Hmm.
16:12That's a good point, Mr. Kreischer.
16:13Oh, he's full of them.
16:14Aren't you, Bert?
16:15I mean, you just have them ready to go whenever?
16:18I think.
16:20Well, I think we've heard enough, right?
16:22Should we move to a vote?
16:24Yes.
16:24All in favor of Mr. Kreischer joining the board?
16:28Great.
16:29Done.
16:29Wow, that was quick.
16:31Almost faster than my wedding night.
16:37Oh, man, he's hysterical.
16:39I swear, sometimes I forget this guy's a comedian.
16:41Actually, you know, you should totally emcee the ceremony next week,
16:45Mr. and Ms. Barkledge.
16:46I mean, if you'd do us the honor.
16:48Mr. and Ms. Barkledge?
16:49Yeah.
16:50I'd love to do that.
16:51Wonderful.
16:53Well, then, should we move on to the other business at hand,
16:56the gym renovation?
16:58Yes.
16:58Motion to increase the budget for the new gymnasium.
17:01The necessary funds will be reallocated
17:03from a few lower-priority departments.
17:05Like what department?
17:06Oh, new guy coming right out of the gate
17:09with some big questions, huh?
17:11I was just wondering.
17:13Such a curious mind.
17:14Hmm.
17:16Should we vote?
17:17Those opposed?
17:19Those in favor?
17:31You did well back there, kid.
17:33Really fucking strong.
17:35Proud of you.
17:35Thanks.
17:36Yeah.
17:36A lot of people buckle in that room, not you.
17:39Yeah, yeah.
17:39What's your secret?
17:41Uh, I just voted?
17:43Yeah, you did.
17:44Well, I'll tell you what.
17:45Your vote put that thing over the top.
17:46You fucking saved it.
17:47Yeah.
17:48Good, good.
17:48I'm glad I helped, guys.
17:49Hey, yeah, buddy.
17:50Bring it in.
17:50Come on, man.
17:51All right.
17:53You did the right thing, man.
17:57Hey, what do you say?
17:58Driving range?
17:59Hit some balls?
18:00Oh, shit.
18:01You just reminded me.
18:03Zach's been having these panic attacks over this surgery.
18:05You got any more Klonopin, dog?
18:06Yeah.
18:07Center console.
18:08Sweet.
18:10Hey, you know, I was thinking, uh,
18:11you should come to Atlanta with us.
18:13Hey, Glenn's coming, too.
18:14We'll party a little bit.
18:15It'll be fun.
18:15You guys are turning Zach's scrotal surgery into a guy's trip?
18:18Yeah, why?
18:19No reason.
18:20So we can count you in, then?
18:22It'll be some much-needed emotional support for this guy.
18:25Yeah.
18:26Yeah.
18:26Count me in.
18:27All right.
18:28Yeah.
18:29I love it.
18:30Hot Atlanta.
18:31Hot Atlanta, baby.
18:32Where the players play.
18:33Yeah.
18:34Hot Atlanta.
18:34Ride on them things like every day.
18:38All right.
18:38All right, brother.
18:39Calm down.
18:39Yep.
18:41I was lying on the grass a Sunday morning of last week,
18:47indulging in my self-defeat.
18:51My mind was thought, dolly,
18:54but all twisted and raw feet.
18:57Uncomfortable feet.
19:01I know.
19:03It's all for me.
19:05It's all for me.
19:05What?
19:07My sunshine, keep it up.
19:10And it's built to be, if you steal my sunshine.
19:14Hi, Bernie.
19:15Uh, Jesus.
19:16Burning the candle at both ends, huh?
19:18Who, what are you doing here?
19:20I know what's going on.
19:21With Zach?
19:23I don't know what you're talking about.
19:25Don't play them with me.
19:26Or, rather, don't be your normal fucking self with me.
19:30Your wife told me all about his personal situation.
19:33She did?
19:34Sadly, yeah.
19:36Oh, I see what happened.
19:38You saw she was in a hole with your mom,
19:40so you manipulated her to tell you about Zach's surgery.
19:43The surgery?
19:44Yeah.
19:45Yeah, it's what she told me.
19:48And how hard it's been for him.
19:51Because, well, you know.
19:53Yeah, I do know, Kirsten.
19:56Scrotal reconstructive surgery is very serious.
20:00Scrotal reconstructive surgery.
20:02Right.
20:03Hey, did you just manipulate me?
20:05Oh, that's it.
20:07That's the connection.
20:08You don't want her dating him.
20:10Then you find out about this surgery,
20:12and suddenly you do.
20:14Nope.
20:15Ice cold.
20:15Once I find out what scrotal reconstructive surgery is,
20:19I feel like I'll have all the pieces.
20:21Honestly, not even worth your time.
20:24Wouldn't even Google it.
20:26You think it's so easy, don't you?
20:28You buy a collared shirt and a pair of stupid shorts
20:31and some mere one of us.
20:33You're no longer the annoying fat guy
20:34who never shuts the fuck up.
20:36Kirsten, stop.
20:38They might not see through your little facade,
20:40but I do.
20:42And I'm guessing this whole thing would crumble
20:44if this got out.
20:46What do you want?
20:52What do you think I want?
20:56Honestly, I'm still thrown by getting shaken down
20:59by a 13-year-old in my driveway.
21:00Yeah, it's unexpected.
21:03I want him back.
21:07So, you gonna play ball?
21:10Or are you gonna go down in flames?
21:13It's your call, big boy.
21:14Alright.
21:15Oh, my God.
21:18Let's go.
21:23What do we mean?
21:29What?
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