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Watch Free Bert Season 1 Episode 3 online in HD on Dailymotion (2026).
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00:13To my nails, cut my hair, I'm a brand new bitch
00:17Got my face in McClare, I'm a new look, sick
00:21I'm a place we can share, put you on the A-list
00:25To my nails, cut my hair, I'm a brand new bitch
00:28To my nails, cut my hair, I'm a brand new bitch
00:32Alright, is this the thing?
00:36I gotta say, I'm questioning this shit out of the whole move
00:39Uh, what are your concerns?
00:41Just the overall neutering of yourself, conforming purely for acceptance
00:45Is Biles a word?
00:46It is, but it does not apply here, okay?
00:51Try to sell me on that or yourself?
00:54To my nails, cut my hair, I'm a brand new bitch
01:01Well, it's definitely different
01:04But that was the whole point, right?
01:05I'm all for change, it's obviously needed, but maybe we're overcorrecting here
01:10Yeah
01:10Are you bumping on the shorts with the button-down? Because I can swap them out with white slacks
01:15No, that's not what I was saying at all
01:17So you're saying that it's the button-down then? Because I can switch out the button-down
01:20Oh
01:21This salmon polo
01:22Oh
01:22Two salmons?
01:23And you bought all this for brunch with the Vanderbilt
01:25Right, the way you're saying that makes it sound like it's nothing
01:28Randy Hotchkiss stuck his neck out to get us this invite
01:30And?
01:31Zach Hotchkiss is gonna be there
01:33Oh, would you like to go now?
01:35Why? What's the point?
01:37Yeah, he's made it pretty clear that he wants nothing to do with her
01:39It went from texting all day, every day, to total darkness
01:43Just like that
01:43Aw
01:44Maybe he's playing hard to get
01:45Don't forget, the kid's got fucking game
01:47Yes
01:47And you're convinced that you have to completely sell out to get them to like you?
01:51Hey, excuse me, we are not selling out
01:54The Vanderthals have a lot of sway at this school
01:56We can't afford to have them as enemies
01:58Okay, zero chance that's gonna work
02:00It's literally like putting lipstick on a pig
02:02Okay
02:03If we have any chance of patching things up with them, the pig requires a little lipstick
02:08Alright
02:09The pig needs a little more than that, mascara, blood
02:12Guys, guys, guys, can we stop saying the word pig?
02:13I think that the pig should just be proud to be a fucking pig
02:16Thank you, Isla, but once again, I think there's a better analogy for this whole thing
02:19I don't
02:38All right, let's talk game plan
02:40I'm thinking classic divide and conquer
02:41I grease up Landon, you play nice with Chanel
02:43Ooh, yes, done
02:45Kill her with kindness
02:47I will have that bitch wrapped around my finger in no time
02:50Okay
02:50And then, once we smooth that over, I go full core press on Zack
02:57There he is!
02:59Hey
02:59Look at you, all dressed up
03:02You remember Mayumi?
03:04Yes, of course, Mayumi, how you doing?
03:06Yeah
03:08And you must be Leanne
03:09Yes
03:10Hi
03:10Uh, Leanne, Randy, and Mayumi Hotchkiss
03:14Yeah, oh, it is so nice to meet you both
03:17Leanne, you are one lucky lady
03:19Aw
03:19I was just saying to Yumi this morning, wait till you hang with Bert, he is gonna blow your panties
03:24off
03:24Aw
03:25Aw
03:26Aw
03:27Have you seen Landon and Chanel?
03:28No, we just got here, wait, are you sure it's cool we're here?
03:31Oh, absolutely, I spoke to them, got them all lubed up, all you gotta do is drill at home
03:36Something I get the feeling you're comfortable with, right?
03:38Am I off, Leanne?
03:40I
03:41I
03:42Come on, come on
03:42I, I, I, I, I'll bring it to him
03:44Okay
03:45I, I, I'll bring it to him
03:46Okay
03:47Yes
04:12All right
04:15Let's play nice today, kids
04:16What do you say we start over?
04:18Bert
04:18And Leanne Kreischer
04:20Dr. Landon
04:21And Chanel Vanderthal
04:22Hi
04:23Uh, thank you both so much for having us
04:26Oh, it's our pleasure
04:26We really take pride in giving people second chances
04:29Oh, that is so generous, and what a lovely home you have
04:33Oh, don't even get me started, I wanna redo every inch of it
04:36Oh, boy
04:36No, yeah, sure, I, yeah, I can see that
04:39What do you mean?
04:41Oh, no, I, I was just agreeing
04:43Let me start by saying, first and foremost, I was so wrong for the way I behaved
04:49I, I went way too far, and that wasn't me
04:52It wasn't either of us
04:53Well, um, thank you for saying that
04:56No, thank you
04:57Honestly, I, I'm, I'm a little ashamed of some of the things I said
05:01Understandably
05:02Who am I to suggest that you couldn't orally pleasure him because of all the lip injections you've had?
05:07I was wrong, and for that, I apologize
05:11Yeah, apology accepted?
05:13And to imply that the work you've done on her face is anything less than perfection was clearly said out
05:18of spite, so seriously
05:21Got it, uh, letting it go, moving on
05:23Great, hey, you know what, let's go grab a drink
05:25I'm sure there's plenty of movement on her face when you ejaculate onto it
05:27Uh-huh
05:29I was wrong to insinuate otherwise
05:33Okay, and good, and we thank you for saying that as well, don't we?
05:37Ah
05:37Uh-huh
05:38You know what, I for one, I'm so glad that we were all able to just put that behind us
05:42Yes, us too
05:43Sooner the better
05:44Hey, hey
05:45Yeah
05:45Water under the bridge?
05:47Mm-hmm
05:53Okay
05:53Great
05:54Awesome
05:54Welcome to our home
06:00All right, gentlemen, here we go
06:02Thank you, thank you
06:03Yeah, thank you, sir
06:04Okay
06:05To new beginnings, huh?
06:08New beginnings
06:09You assholes starting without me?
06:10Oh-ho
06:11Well, we thought you were still parking cars out front
06:14Oh, sorry, Bert
06:16We like to, uh, pepper a little racism in our humor
06:18You cool with that?
06:20Actually, no
06:21Yeah, I'm afraid I'll have to leave now
06:25You pull my car around, Capron?
06:28Bert, Glenn Darvish
06:29Hey, it's good to meet you, man
06:30Yeah
06:31Glenn's the, uh, managing partner over at Stratum
06:33Yeah, he runs the, it's the largest, right?
06:35Yeah, private commercial real estate debt fund
06:37Yep
06:38Just in North America, yeah
06:39Oh, okay
06:40Number two in Europe
06:42Private commercial real estate debt fund, that's crazy
06:44I have a huge chunk of my new hour about that
06:46This fucking guy
06:48Hey, I swear to Christ
06:50Hey, that's some funny shit right there
06:52Right? I told you
06:53Is that the, uh, the kind of thing you bring to the table in a friendship?
06:57Yeah, I try, I try to
06:58Huh
06:58Well, I love it
06:59Right? Yeah
07:00I told you, we had them all wrong
07:02Yeah, well, it might be that I'm, I'm not good at first impressions
07:05Oh
07:06Yeah
07:07No question
07:08There's definitely that
07:09100%
07:10Yeah
07:10No, no, no, but, but beyond that, uh, there's a different energy here, right?
07:14You guys feeling that?
07:15Yeah
07:15Yeah
07:15No, no, definitely
07:16Yeah, well, whatever it is, it's working
07:19Huh
07:20Keep it up
07:21Yeah
07:22I'll, I'll definitely try to
07:24Good
07:30Wow
07:30Wow
07:31This is your closet?
07:33Just for my purses and shoes
07:34Could you imagine if this was it?
07:37It was so gross
07:38It was so embarrassing
07:41It's so funny, I, I grew up in a trailer the same size as this
07:46What do you mean? Why is that funny?
07:48Oh
07:49No, um, not funny like a joke, I was just commenting
07:53Commenting on what?
07:55Just, uh, the irony
07:57Hmm
07:58How is it ironic that my closet is the size of your childhood home?
08:04Yeah
08:04Yeah
08:05Yeah, no, it's ironic, so I don't have the right word
08:08You know what, this is probably just me
08:10Yeah
08:10I'm, I'm overly sensitive to women not supporting other women, so
08:15Right
08:21And that's when I made the decision to start working on myself
08:23Huh
08:24Dude, so inspiring
08:25Yeah
08:26It really is
08:27Glenn, you, you really feel the need to tack on like that?
08:30Yeah, no, that was unnecessary
08:31Completely
08:32No, but honestly though, uh, you know, change, it does start from the inside
08:35But there's no reason it can't find its way to the outside
08:37Oh shit
08:38As a matter of fact, I wanna just get you down to the office
08:41Look, look at this
08:42Yeah, yeah
08:43There's no reason that I couldn't just look at that
08:45You see what that just did right there?
08:46Oh, dude
08:46Look at that, see that?
08:47Oh, yeah
08:48See what I did right there?
08:49Bring that up just like that
08:50Yeah
08:51You should've seen the jowls on me before I met this guy
08:53Uh-huh
08:54The maestro
08:55True?
08:55Oh, yeah
08:56I could also, if I may, get in there and just
08:58Oh, yeah, the bags?
08:59Get rid of those guys right there
09:00See what I did right there?
09:01Oh, yes
09:01Feel it
09:02Feel the difference?
09:03Feel it, yeah
09:03One more time
09:03It looks good
09:04Oh, yeah
09:04He's the best
09:05What do you think, should I have Tanya reach out, set an appointment?
09:08Maybe take a beat?
09:10Think it over?
09:10You wanna take a beat?
09:11Take a beat
09:12Seriously?
09:13What's to think about?
09:14Hey, can you guys give me one second?
09:16I'll be right back, okay?
09:17Okay
09:17Just a phone call away
09:21They fucking love me
09:23I am killing it
09:24How you doing on your end?
09:25I don't know
09:26She's fucking brutal
09:28She reamed me her closet
09:29Yeah?
09:30Well, maybe it's you
09:31No, wait
09:31Well, you know how when you try too hard you get that sweaty energy?
09:34You're blaming me
09:35Like, I tried
09:36How the hell is this my fault?
09:38I was like
09:38Oh, shh shh shh shh shh shh shh
09:39There's the kid
09:40Solo at the Omnestation
09:42It's go time
09:43Wish me luck
09:44Hey, do you want me to come with you?
09:51What's up, fuckboy?
09:53What you want?
09:54I stopped DMing her
09:55Buddy, relax
09:56You still chapped about her running at school?
09:59I mean
09:59Yeah
10:01Kinda
10:01I was just busting your
10:03I was just messing with ya
10:05It was pretty extreme
10:07Okay
10:07I overreacted
10:09One day you're gonna be my age and you're gonna understand
10:11Dude
10:12It is tough when your daughter starts dating
10:14Especially a stud like you
10:18I felt threatened, bro
10:21I'm like a kid
10:22Dude
10:23You're Zach fucking Hotchkiss
10:25You're handsome
10:26Athletic
10:27Think I noticed a little sense of humor in there
10:31If you wanna date my daughter
10:34You have my blessing
10:36Are you fucking with me?
10:37No, I'm not fucking with you
10:38So what do you say we give it a go?
10:39You come by the house
10:40You hang out with Georgia
10:41See if that spark's still there
10:43And if it's not
10:44You walk away clean
10:45No questions asked
10:49Okay
10:49Yeah
10:51Saturday
10:51Yeah, let's lock you in for Saturday
10:54Actually I'd feel more comfortable if we didn't lock it in
10:56Okay
10:57Just trying to keep things fluid
10:58That's all you get that
10:59I fucking love fluidity
11:00So we'll put it on the calendar
11:02We'll try to keep it
11:03And if we gotta slide it
11:04We slide it
11:05Sound cool?
11:06I guess
11:07Yeah, so Saturday
11:08Yeah, unless something comes up
11:10No, no
11:10Yeah, obviously
11:11Unless stuff comes up
11:12But if it doesn't
11:25That was fucking amazing
11:27I am really good at this
11:28Let me tell you something
11:29I told a joke at one point
11:31That wasn't even really a joke
11:32In structure
11:33It was basically a racist statement
11:35Mm-hmm
11:36And they laughed so hard
11:37Honestly, at one moment
11:39I thought Landon wanted to blow me
11:40I wish I could say the same
11:41I can't see anything to this fucking woman
11:44Without her just jumping down my throat
11:46Can I give you a suggestion?
11:48What?
11:48Have you tried listening?
11:49Oh
11:50Because it's working gangbusters for me
11:51And you don't even have to listen
11:52You just have to say you're listening
11:54And then make faces
11:55And say things back to them
11:56Like um
11:56How so?
11:57I did it with Randy the other day
11:59It was like a magic trick
12:00Gosh
12:00Why do I even care?
12:02These people suck
12:03At least one of us did his job
12:04You got Zach to come?
12:05No, he doesn't have testicles, baby
12:06That's why we're doing all of this
12:08No!
12:08To the house, dummy
12:09Oh
12:10You'd think I was asking
12:11Have you got a boy to a checklist
12:12At the Alma station?
12:13I don't know
12:14How am I supposed to know at this point?
12:15Yes, Zach is coming to the house on Saturday
12:17And dude doesn't stand a chance
12:18I'm pulling out all the toys
12:20I've said it before
12:21And you know this is true
12:22I could be a world-class pedophile
12:24If I wanted to be
12:24Oh yes
12:25Yes, you said that
12:26I'm gonna put on a fucking clinic
12:27Lure him into my van
12:28Give him a little candy
12:29Drop his pants down to his ankles
12:31And hand him over to George
12:32Okay
12:32Your analogy's gone a little far
12:34But I like the overall concept
12:36What can I say?
12:37It's a gift
12:47So what?
12:48They bought your bullshit?
12:49Fucking ate it up
12:50Yeah, on the salmon polo?
12:51I got three separate compliments on it
12:53Thank you very much
12:54He's not kidding
12:54I witnessed it
12:55Wait, so that's all you had to do?
12:57Put on some fancy shirt and pants
12:59And now they like you?
13:00It's a little more nuanced than that, Isla
13:01The shirts opened the door
13:03But I had to walk through it
13:04You know what I mean?
13:05Not at all
13:06So how'd you do, Mom?
13:07She shut the fucking bed
13:08I got along with everyone
13:10You're the acquired taste
13:11Eh, not with this crowd
13:13I don't get it
13:14But let's talk about the real victory here
13:18Zach motherfucking Hotchkiss
13:19Oh no, Dad
13:20What did you do?
13:21Nothing, I just hung out with him
13:22He's a really chill dude
13:23Mm-hmm
13:23And he likes you a lot
13:25Oh yeah?
13:25Then why did he ghost me?
13:27I don't know, I think he got scared
13:28Right, hon?
13:29Yeah, and he feels really bad about it
13:31Sure he does
13:31Really bad, no he does
13:32As a matter of fact
13:33He feels so bad about it
13:34Mm-hmm
13:34He wants to make it up to you
13:35Mm-hmm
13:36So he's coming over to the house on Saturday
13:38What?
13:40How'd you pull that off?
13:41You bribe him?
13:41No, I just
13:42I opened his eyes a little bit
13:44And then got out of the damn way
13:46Mm-hmm
13:47Wow
13:48Uh, I mean, thank you
13:50Hey
13:52That's what dads do
14:01Georgia!
14:12I'm sehr excited
14:18That's what happens
14:19And two
14:26A
14:27One
14:27One
14:28One
14:28One
14:29One
14:29One
14:29Two
14:30One
14:31Two
14:32One
14:33Two
14:33Two
14:33Two
14:33Two
14:33One
14:33One
14:33Two
14:33One
14:34My heart can't wait another minute
14:38When you kiss me at the sky
14:42Kiss me at the sky
14:44Kiss me at the sky
14:46And say, baby, I love you
14:50Come on, baby
14:52Baby, I love you
14:55Baby, baby
14:57Baby, I love you
14:59Come on, baby
15:01Baby, I love you
15:04Ooh, my baby
15:05Baby, I love you
15:08Come on, baby
15:10Baby, I love you
15:13So?
15:15Is it working?
15:16Are you kidding?
15:17It's a fucking layup.
15:19I just left them alone in the hot tub.
15:20Wait, you left them alone?
15:22Yeah, that's the beauty of this.
15:23I have never felt better about leaving two half-naked teenagers alone in a hot tub in my life.
15:28This is nice.
15:29Yeah.
15:31Are you bringing a beer?
15:32No, these are for me.
15:33I'm celebrating.
15:34I'm calling it right now.
15:36This scrotal surgery might be the best thing that's ever happened to this family.
15:38God, it is pretty great.
15:40Yeah.
15:41But on our part, are we terrible?
15:43For what?
15:43A whole thing.
15:44Using your pedophile powers to persuade this boy with no scrotum to go out with our daughter just because we
15:49know we can't attack him.
15:50Don't tell me you're having second thoughts.
15:51You want her to be happy, right?
15:53Well, of course.
15:54Well, fucking look at her.
15:55Have you ever seen her that happy?
15:56Right.
15:57Well, it's kind of based on you.
15:59Based on what?
15:59Something other than sex?
16:01Is that so bad that they're going to get to know each other first?
16:03Well, no.
16:04And then in a year or two when his sack is healed, then we can start talking about handjobs maybe.
16:10Okay.
16:11Come on, guys.
16:11Handjobs again.
16:13Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.
16:14Those are for Chanel, a peace offer.
16:16And are you packaging them to look on me?
16:18Yes, I am.
16:19And you're doing that one?
16:21A couple of them always get burnt, right?
16:23Genius.
16:24Are you sure those are chocolate chips?
16:26They smell like something else.
16:27What do they smell like?
16:29Uh, oh, I know.
16:31Desperation.
16:31Oh, fuck off.
16:32I'm doing something nice with this bitch I can't stand.
16:36Yeah, I think you're playing the Chanel thing all wrong.
16:38Chanel's a brick wall.
16:40She responds to strength.
16:42Well, who didn't like chocolate chip cookies?
16:44No, no, I'm just saying, uh, I don't want you to panic and fuck this whole thing up for us.
16:49Because I've got us in a really good place right now.
16:51Well, since what have I ever been living to fuck something up?
16:54Like, ever.
16:54Hold on.
16:55Just because my fuck-ups are usually so big no one sees your fuck-ups does not mean you don't
17:00fuck up.
17:00I think you're kind of fucking up.
17:03Hey, guys, get closer in the hot tub!
17:26Oh, man.
17:28What are you doing here?
17:29It's Leigh-Anne, actually.
17:31And I just wanted to make up for the other day.
17:34I felt really bad.
17:36Yeah, I totally get that.
17:38I just, uh, it's so silly.
17:40I don't even remember what we're mad about.
17:42Really?
17:42I do.
17:44Right.
17:44Well, I just thought that we could start fresh, like these cookies I made.
17:50Oh, that's so thoughtful.
17:52It's so cute that you took the time to bake them yourself.
17:55Well, I bake with love, and I just, I wanted to put that energy into this gift.
18:01In a plastic container, sure.
18:03Yeah, uh, right, sorry about that.
18:06I just, I just transferred them right out of the oven.
18:08Yeah, and who needs a cute box and a ribbon when you have old, dirty Tupperware lying around?
18:15I don't know, for me, I feel like you lose some of that freshness when you don't have that seal.
18:21Yeah, I get that.
18:23But for me, there's a presentation aspect that's hard to completely ignore.
18:27Sure, sure.
18:28But for me, I'm more substance over style.
18:31And at the end of the day, it's about what's best for the baked good.
18:35Yeah, understood.
18:36But for me, it's more about the person you're gifting, right?
18:39And less about the stupid fucking cookies.
18:45Yeah, definitely.
18:46Yeah.
18:47But honestly, so thoughtful.
18:51There's no nuts, right?
18:52Oh, God, no.
18:53No, no, no, I hate nuts.
18:54Great.
18:55Thanks, Linda.
18:56It's leaving.
18:57Anne.
19:00There we go.
19:02And we have fire.
19:05Now, you guys need any sodas, candies, something else?
19:08What do you want?
19:09I mean, I'm good.
19:11What about you, Zach?
19:13Actually, yeah.
19:14Do you have any more red vines, bro?
19:16Dude, we have fucking red vines.
19:17Isla, get every fucking red vine in there.
19:19Isla.
19:20Why do I have to?
19:21Because Zach is here, Isla.
19:22Get it.
19:23Go.
19:24All right.
19:25Temperature.
19:26How we doing?
19:27Zach, are you cold?
19:28Do you want a blanket?
19:29That would be cool.
19:30All right.
19:30Fuck yeah.
19:31Yeah.
19:33Oh, I know a lot of parents have a no-blanket policy for fear of what might happen underneath.
19:38But not us.
19:39We're chill, isn't that right, babe?
19:41Oh, yeah.
19:42Yeah.
19:43Whatever we trust you, make yourself at home.
19:45Have a good time.
19:46Just have fun.
19:47Relax.
19:48It is pretty chill.
19:49Yeah.
19:53What did I tell you?
19:55You have a plan, you execute the plan.
19:57Oh, solid work.
19:59I wasn't strongly recommended.
20:01You did it.
20:01Hey, we did it.
20:02Previously on Euphoria.
20:03I didn't know anything.
20:06I wanted to do it.
20:19Oh, my God.
20:48Oh, my God.
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