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00:01It seems today that all you see
00:04Is violence in movies and sex on TV
00:07But where are those good old-fashioned values
00:11On which we used to rely?
00:14Lucky is a family guy
00:18Lucky is a man who
00:19Knows what he can do
00:21All the things that make us
00:23Laugh and cry
00:25He's a family guy
00:35My apologies, Mr. Griffin
00:37Dr. Hartman is still with a patient
00:39And definitely not playing rock band
00:41Through the paper-thin walls of his office right now
00:44Well, I'm here
00:46To remind you
00:48Of the mess
00:50Watch out for the plug!
00:50Watch out for the plug!
00:51Oh, you dope!
00:55Sorry, I was with a very sick patient
00:57You're still wearing the guitar
00:59Oops, my bad
00:59Let's, uh, keep that off the Yelp, huh?
01:02So, you're here for a physical
01:03I'll start with a few questions
01:05How many drinks would you say you have per week?
01:07Four
01:07Oh!
01:08Hundred
01:09Fifty
01:09Okay, you need to talk faster
01:11Now, I'm going to show you a list
01:12Of the top ten songs on Spotify
01:14Tell me how many of these artists or songs you recognize
01:17None
01:18Oh, oh, wait, oh, no, I know her
01:19Uh, uh, do, uh, do, uh, duolingo
01:22Not sure we can accept that
01:24Let's go to the Gen Z judge
01:25Who's always sad about stuff he just saw on social media
01:28Do you even realize how much water it takes to grow a single almond?
01:33Well, he's busy being sad about almonds
01:35However, I can say that given your age and embarrassing lack of pop culture knowledge
01:39It's time I schedule you for your first colonoscopy
01:42What the hell is that?
01:43Here's a video of a plumber from Southie describing the whole thing
01:46So they snake this freaking camera in your caboose
01:49Look, I know it sounds gay, but it ain't
01:51It's a real medical procedure
01:52It's not gay
01:53You ever had one?
01:54Nah, what am I, gay?
02:00What's all that stuff?
02:02Oh, just some forms
02:02We're going on a field trip to the animal shelter and I need mom to chaperone
02:06You need a chaperone for a trip to the animal shelter and you're not asking me?
02:10Why?
02:11So you can taunt all the German shepherds behind bars?
02:14I wouldn't do that
02:15Yeah?
02:16Then why is your tail wagging?
02:18Damn
02:18Look, all I'm saying is I could provide hope to those dogs in there who've given up by telling them
02:23my story
02:23A story of inspiration
02:25A story of will
02:27A story of triumph
02:28You were picked up on the side of the road like a runaway hooker
02:31A story of doing hand stuff for drugs
02:38I've been putting off my colonoscopy for months now
02:41Yep, my barber said I'm overdue for mine
02:44You mean your doctor?
02:45Nope, barber
02:46Black guys get their medical advice from their barbers and their haircut advice from their doctors
02:51We're all just one guy off
02:53Boy, what happened to the days when men just ignored months of bloody toilet water and slowly withered away to
02:59die a costly and unnecessary death?
03:01You know, maybe the reason we've been putting this off is because deep down we're scared
03:05And maybe we'll feel better if we just talk about what we're scared of
03:09All right, I'll go first
03:10I'm mostly scared of someone seeing my gigantic butt and tiny wiener
03:14That's what I'm scared of, too
03:16What if there was a way to make the colonoscopy process less scary?
03:19Like, what if we rented a cabin and did the prep night together so we could be there to support
03:24one another?
03:24That would make it easier
03:26I'd do it
03:27I'd be into that
03:28Great, Cleveland?
03:29Yep, Devontae said it's cool
03:31I'm assuming Devontae is your...
03:33Devontae is my barber, yes
03:38Hi kids, I'm Sophie
03:40Welcome to the animal shelter where the pit bull to lesbian volunteer ratio is always one to one
03:45So let's meet some...
03:47Hi Sophie, Brian Griffin, dog who's also pretty much a guy
03:49I'll take it from here
03:50Fellow canines, my name is Brian Griffin
03:53And before I tell you my story, I want to hear yours
03:56Now, how many of you were returned by Lena Dunham or Ellen DeGeneres?
04:02Well, I'm here to say that no matter how pathetic that bitch Sarah McLachlan is making you all look in
04:07those commercials
04:07There is hope
04:08And I am living proof of that
04:10Everyone moved on to the cat section three seconds into whatever that was
04:13Wait, they have cats here?
04:15Oh, I will not be around cats
04:17It's an animal shelter, they've got everything
04:19They even have Diddy's pit bull
04:20Just let me outside, I'll play in the yard
04:23I won't look, I won't tell nobody nothing
04:28Come on, Brian, even you have to admit these guys are pretty cute
04:32Oh, cats are terrible, selfish creatures
04:34I mean, who poops inside?
04:37Oh my god, get her off, get her off, get her off
04:42Huh, I guess that is kind of cute
04:48You know, maybe I was wrong about cats
04:51Okay kids, it's time to see where we keep all the Rob Schneiders
04:55Boy, everyone thinks they're ready for a Rob Schneider until they get one home
04:59Come on, Brian, we gotta go
05:00Alright, let me just take this guy off my
05:04What are you doing? You're going to kill him!
05:10Drop it! Drop it now!
05:14What happened? I blacked out
05:16You killed a kitten, you monster!
05:18I told you it was a bad idea for me to be in here
05:21And we're going to be in so much trouble
05:22Alright, listen, we can't just leave the dead kitten in here
05:25Okay, let me think
05:26Well, there's got to be a dumpster out back
05:28We could just put it in there
05:29I don't think we have another choice
05:30You could always cover yourself in drugged baby oil
05:33And wake up back at home
05:34I thought you said you were going to keep your mouth shut
05:41Okay, our colonoscopies are tomorrow morning
05:43So I'm going to go mix up some tasty colonoscopy prep cocktails
05:47I made a killer diarrhea playlist
05:49Boy, you guys are going to lose it when we're five hours in
05:52And Natalie Imbruglia's torn comes on
05:54You got Diana Ross's I'm Coming Out on there?
05:57This isn't my first diarrhea playlist, okay pal?
06:00Gentlemen, say hello to my signature colonoscopy prep cocktails
06:04Joe, here's your bum and coke
06:06Peter, you get a piña colonata
06:08And Cleveland gets a gin and deuce
06:11Laid back
06:12And I made myself a coiler maker
06:14Bottoms up
06:15And then in 45 minutes, bottoms very much down
06:23Oh my god
06:24Now I assume that a single room cabin in the woods has four bathrooms?
06:28Well, technically it has one three-quarter bath
06:31So there's not even a tub?
06:32I call the shower
06:33Why wouldn't you call the toilet first?
06:35I don't have time to argue with you, I'll be in the shower
06:37I'll call the toilet
06:38I'm bagged and ready to go 24-7
06:40Fine, I'll figure it out
06:42Whose blue luggage is this?
06:44Peter, no, that's my Away brand luggage
06:46I get compliments on that
06:53You guys look high as balls
06:55Anyway, time for your results
06:56Mr. Quagmire, Mr. Swanson, and Mr. Brown, you're all clear
07:00Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid we found something quite large
07:03Was it my penis?
07:04It was definitely not your penis
07:06Although your butt is gigantic
07:08What we found was this
07:12Oh my god, my childhood G.I. Joe!
07:15That was inside his colon?
07:17Yep, I'm afraid this soldier was literally left behind
07:21Not to be that guy, but this Joe came with a pair of binoculars
07:24He was kind of like the scout
07:26Did you happen to see anything like that?
07:28Oh, never mind, I think they just came out of the mess hall
07:36Peter, how did that little guy even get in your colon?
07:39I was a kid
07:40If you squish anything into Wonder Bread, it goes down soft
07:43You ate a G.I. Joe?
07:45Oh, are we gonna play this game, Quagmire?
07:47Are we gonna play the
07:48How did objects get inside of you game?
07:51Withdrawn
07:51Um, I just looked up vintage 1980s G.I. Joe scout with binoculars
07:56And it says it's worth $100,000
07:59What?
08:00Oh wow
08:00Let me see that
08:04Holy crap, it does say that
08:05Wait, I'm in your phone as white number three?
08:08What am I listed as in your phone?
08:11Withdrawn
08:15I still can't believe I snapped and killed that kitten
08:18You don't think that shelter has cameras, do you?
08:20There was one water bowl for 40 dogs
08:23I don't think they have money for cameras
08:24Well, as long as neither of us talks, I guess we'll be fine
08:26Yes, as long as I don't talk, we'll be fine
08:29What's that supposed to mean?
08:30I'm just saying my silence comes at a price
08:32And that price is the cost of an annual membership at the Soho House Malibu
08:36What? That's the most expensive Soho House?
08:39Fine, then I want front row seats to Paris Fashion Week
08:41And I refuse to sit next to any of the Hadids
08:44I will get you a sticker book of Bluey
08:47You, sir, have my silence
08:53Peter, would you mind moving that thing from your butt away from the onion rings we're all eating?
08:57Sorry
08:58So what do you guys think I should do with the hundred grand I'll make from selling this thing?
09:02What do you mean? We're splitting it
09:03Yeah, we each get a share of that
09:05I never said I'd split it
09:06He was inside me
09:07I was the one who spent decades carrying him to term
09:10You wouldn't even have gotten the colonoscopy if it wasn't for us
09:13I'm not giving you guys my money
09:15We can't let him get away with this
09:17I agree with white number two
09:23Hey, check it out
09:24Mayor West is doing press conferences on TikTok now
09:27Howdy, TikTok
09:28I'm Mayor Wild West, here today with a Hat Over My Heart press conference
09:33See, my sweet feline companion, Meowr West, has gone missing
09:40I was contacted by the shelter and told he had wandered into their facility
09:44But when I went to pick him up, he was gone, possibly kidnapped
09:48Well, when I find out who took him, I will personally pursue the harshest punishment allowed by law
09:55Thank you, TikTok
09:56Now, enjoy the vicious comments on the post of an overweight girl who's clearly struggling
10:02So AMC made me buy two seats for Wicked
10:06Oh, my God! I killed Mayor Wild West's cat!
10:22Oh, this is bad, Brian, very bad
10:24You've got to get out of town
10:25Luckily, I've got a go bag so I can leave at a moment's notice
10:28Here, you take it
10:30What's this?
10:31That's a European adapter for my Corn Air hair dryer
10:34I think you're gonna need that
10:36Four pairs of boots?
10:38I don't know who's gonna see me twice
10:45You know, I can't believe you would let something like a toy get in the way of your friendship with
10:49the guys, Peter
10:50So? You didn't talk to Bonnie for two years after she got the same haircut as you
10:55Well, that's different. Bonnie's a bitch
10:56I'm just saying, think of all the great times you've had with the guys
11:01And you're gonna give it up for what? 40, 50 bucks?
11:0450 bucks? Lois, this thing's worth $100,000
11:08Wow, Dad's right, I just Googled it
11:10What? Let me see that
11:12Oh, my God, Peter! We're gonna be rich!
11:15Okay, forget everything I just said, screw those guys, your butt stuff belongs to us
11:19I get it
11:22Excuse me, are you Peter Griffin?
11:24Yeah
11:24You've been served
11:27Those bastards are actually suing me for their share of the GI Joe
11:30Excuse me, are you Andrew McCormick?
11:33Yes
11:33I'm here to serve you
11:34Wait, I just served him
11:36Get out of here, you're lying
11:37No, I swear to God, sir, what did I just do?
11:40He served me
11:40Hey, I'm just gonna go out on a limb here, but are you ambisexual?
11:45I am
11:45Would you like to have a drink and see if we can rub our way to a little gene smoke?
11:50Love to
11:52I guess it's true what they say, every pot has a lid
11:56Boy, they fogged up that Ultima real quick
12:04Mom, what's going on?
12:06Your father got a letter saying his friends are taking him to court
12:09Yeah, I read that letter, they're taking him to arbitration, not court
12:13What? Really?
12:14Yeah, and if you need representation, I'm happy to offer my services
12:18I've spent months studying anal salvage law
12:21You have?
12:22It started out as a fun personal project, but then I kind of fell down an internet rabbit hole
12:27But this whole thing only happened a couple of days ago
12:30Well, that's what we would call a happy coincidence now, isn't it?
12:37Okay, Stewie, run me through the plan one more time
12:40All right, well, no one has more cats in town than the librarian
12:43So there's a very good chance she'll have a Meow West look-alike inside
12:47So I'll distract her here at the front door
12:49You sneak in through the back and find us a replacement cat
12:51I don't know, me in another room full of cats seems risky
12:55Oh, that's the risky part?
12:56Not the high-wire improvisational act I'm about to pull off with the librarian
13:00No, I suppose that's the easy part, right?
13:02Do I need to remind you I'm on the improv theatre's house team, Brian?
13:06We had to kick Brad off, by the way, he did the Chinese voice on stage again
13:10Ugh, whatever, just want this whole thing to be over already
13:15Hello, I'm an online dating expert
13:17And I'm giving one lucky person a free Bumble profile makeover
13:21May I ask how your dating life is going?
13:23Oh, let's just say my dating life's quieter than the place I work
13:31I work in a library
13:34No, yeah, I'm aware
13:35Let's have a look at your profile, shall we?
13:37Oh, sure, let me just log in
13:49All right, here you go
13:51All right, we'll start with your photos
13:53We'll lose this one of you pointing at a grand opening banner at a Jersey Mike's
13:57We'll also lose this one of you lying with your mother in her hospice bed
14:00Doesn't exactly bring all the boys to the yard
14:08Oh, this one of you at the beach is decent
14:10I mean, we'd have to airbrush out the knee dimples, but this could work
14:13Let me see if I...
14:14And knee dimples be gone
14:23Oh, a match
14:24What? Let me see that
14:26A Jewish urologist? Oh, I love that for you
14:29Let's look at his profile
14:32Okay, he's taking a selfie on a bus
14:34On a public bus
14:36Let's, um...
14:38Let's keep looking here
14:42And I quote
14:43We are all in this together no matter what
14:45That is why my clients deserve their share of the profits, Your Honor
14:51Thank you, Mr. Baker
14:52Okay, we'll now hear from Mr. Griffin's representative, Chris Griffin
14:56Who prepared for this by binge-watching suits
14:59And then Googling Meghan Markle
15:01And then Googling Meghan Markle deepfakes
15:04Thank you, your boner
15:06If I may direct your attention to Exhibits B through M
15:09All items removed from my father's anus in only the last 24 hours
15:14Do Messrs Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire also lay claim to this Michelob Ultra key fob?
15:20Would Messrs Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire feel justified taking home this highlighter cap?
15:26I submit that Messrs Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire are nothing more than unprincipled opportunists
15:33Poop swoopers, as it were
15:35I've heard more than enough, case over
15:38Over? Who won?
15:39I don't know, him?
15:41In your face!
15:43You gotta be kidding me!
15:44Yeah, that's not fair
15:45Maybe we'll win on appeal like Cosby
15:49Excuse me, I work for Christie's Auction House
15:52And we'd love to fetch you top dollar for that G.I. Joe
15:56Wow, THE Christie's Auction House?
15:59No, it's actually Chris Christie's Auction House
16:03We specialize in items that were swallowed by fat guys
16:07We actually have an auction tomorrow we could add you to
16:10Get there early though
16:12We're starting with movie props swallowed by James Spader
16:16Oh, James Spader is so handsome
16:19Yes, for a half hour in the late 80s he very much was
16:29Alright Stewie, this is it
16:30We open the cage, let the new Meowr West in, and we're out of here
16:35Ah, dammit!
16:43Oh, Mayor West, good news! I think we found your missing cat
16:46It, it may have had a heart attack from the excitement of this reunion
16:50Well, I only have one question
16:52If that's my cat, who's sitting over there on my couch?
16:58Well, Brian, I think the only thing to do now is
17:00Go bag!
17:03I don't understand, but how-
17:04A short-haired, tattooed woman from the shelter found him in the dumpster left for dead
17:09Said she saw a dog and a little fella putting him in there
17:13I'm so sorry, Mayor West, I acted on instinct
17:15I'm just glad he's not dead
17:17I teach all my cats to play possum
17:19And I teach all my possums to play horse
17:22And I teach all my horses to play cat
17:24Circle of life
17:27Did you teach that one too?
17:29He may have seen my online course, I don't know
17:31Now, for your punishment
17:33Oh no, I hate measured consequences to my actions
17:36Six bad boys with very bad boys sprinkled in to taste
17:41Six? That's a death sentence!
17:43Bad boy
17:44Ow!
17:44Bad boy
17:45I can't breathe!
17:46Very bad boy
17:47That's worse!
17:48Bad boy
17:49I'm low to the ground
17:50Bad boy
17:50I can't get any lower
17:52Very bad boy
17:53Oh, the shame!
18:01800, do I hear 900 for the beard Kevin Smith sleep ate off his own face?
18:06Going once, going twice
18:08Sold for $800 to Kevin Smith who used to be fat and now looks like he was shrunken by a
18:14witch's spell
18:17Next on the auction block, a vintage scout GI Joe with binoculars removed from the colon of Peter Griffin
18:27This is it, Peter
18:28Yeah, we're gonna be rich
18:30We'll start the bidding at $75,000
18:32Seventy-five
18:34Seventy-five
18:34Do I hear 80?
18:3680
18:3680
18:36It's happening, Peter!
18:3880,000!
18:39We can get Meg one year at Sarah Lawrence excluding the food program!
18:4990,000!
18:5090!
18:51Do I hear 100?
18:52100,000!
19:11100,000 dollars going once, going twice
19:14Stop the auction!
19:16Peter, what the hell are you doing?
19:22What is he doing?
19:23What is he doing?
19:24Saving three friendships
19:26My name is Peter Griffin and I've realized that no amount of money is worth more than great friendships
19:31I guess what I'm saying is, life isn't about the contents of your butt, it's about the contents of your
19:37heart
19:38I love you guys
19:47I'm sorry, Lois, I-
19:48No, I'm the one who's sorry
19:50No amount of money can buy the kind of friendship you guys have
19:54Although, you could have just taken the money and split it four ways
19:57But, you made the right decision, Peter, and I'm proud of you
20:03But this story had an even happier ending
20:05Because 39 years later, the guys were all dead
20:09And I pooped that Joe out again, and I became the oldest freshman at Sarah Lawrence College
20:15Lois gave me a hall pass, but I failed to achieve arousal when a maybe woman touched my slacks
20:26I'm sorry we almost let that toy ruin our friendship, Peter
20:29We won't make the same mistake next time
20:32Yeah, we're due for our next colonoscopies in five years
20:34Maybe we should book that same cabin
20:36Yeah, not sure that's gonna be possible
20:38The guy was pretty mad, made me send my own cleaning lady
20:45Oh, no, no, no, no
20:54House no good
21:05termin Maya
21:06Yeah, not sure
21:09Yeah, I didn't care
21:20Yeah, no, no, no
21:21Yes, I'm sorry
21:22Yes, we're dead
21:22At that time
21:22No room
21:22No room
21:22No room
21:22No room
21:23No room
21:23No room
21:24No room
21:24No room
21:26No room
21:26No room
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