- 3 days ago
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FunTranscript
00:36Oh, here we are.
00:40Your place.
00:41Your place.
00:43La maison de la femme.
00:47El casso de la señorita.
00:52Das Haus die Frau.
00:56Good night.
00:59Er, you know, I'll just walk you to the door.
01:02And there's no need.
01:03It's fine, I can get them in here.
01:11So, I guess this is arrivederci.
01:15Quite fancy a cup of tea, though.
01:19Glass of water, maybe?
01:23Perhaps a little lie-down.
01:25Yeah.
01:26I have to tell you something.
01:28What?
01:28I wanted to say it in the restaurant, but...
01:31It...
01:32A good time never came up, and I wasn't going to say it.
01:35So?
01:36But...
01:36I have to.
01:41What?
01:41You've got...
01:43You've got shit on your head.
01:47What?
01:50There's some shit on your head.
01:52What?
01:53Where?
01:54Where?
01:55It's been there for ages.
01:57Oh, God.
01:58Oh, God.
02:00Oh, God.
02:02It's chocolate.
02:03It's chocolate.
02:04It's not shit.
02:05It's not shit.
02:06It's, um...
02:07It's my dessert.
02:09I don't know how it got there, but, um...
02:11It's on my fingers.
02:13It's not shit.
02:14Thank God for that.
02:16Yeah.
02:17It's funny.
02:19You know, I just spent the last hour thinking you were some sort of disgusting tramp.
02:24Oh, no.
02:27That's funny.
02:29Yeah.
02:30Oh, God.
02:31I don't know! It's... it's... no! It's chocolate!
02:36Oh! How about that cup of tea now?
02:43I was a perfect gentleman last night from beginning to end.
02:46Oh, but she can't see past a little bit of shit on my forehead.
02:49I thought you said it was chocolate. Yes, chocolate, yes, I meant chocolate.
02:53I forgot to turn this thing.
02:57Hello, IT.
02:59Something's wrong with my computer.
03:01Have you tried turning it off and on again?
03:03No, no, no. Oh, dear. Thanks.
03:06You're welcome, mate.
03:08You know, it's typical.
03:09The one time I managed to bamboozle a girl in the building
03:12into going out with me and this happens.
03:15Oh, she's gonna tell everyone.
03:16Oh, come on. She's a receptionist. She'd hardly gossip.
03:21Besides, it's a boring story.
03:23Yeah. Yeah, it's boring. It's boring. She won't tell anyone.
03:27Oh!
03:28I loads it off!
03:30Oh!
03:33Oh!
03:35Oh!
03:36Oh!
03:38Oh!
03:38Oh!
03:40Oh!
03:40Oh!
03:41Oh!
03:42Oh!
03:43Oh!
03:47Sorry!
03:54She might have told Jen.
03:59No, no, that's what I'm saying.
04:01It wasn't. It was chocolate.
04:04It was chocolate.
04:05I don't know. It got on my fingers and then it must have...
04:09Listen, how did you even hear about this, Mum?
04:14Mars, Mars, there's a spider in my office. Could you deal with it?
04:19I just hate spiders.
04:21Oh, ah, yeah, I'm not overly fonder than myself there, Jen.
04:28Um, how...
04:31How big is...
04:33Whoa, hey now!
04:35I tell you what, I'd actually recommend my good friend Roy there
04:39as the go-to guy on anything with more than seven eyes.
04:44Um, he's on a very brief personal call right now.
04:47Come on, Moss, don't be silly.
04:48No, you're right, I'm being silly. Wrap it up, Roy!
04:50Come on, what now? No, it's just a spider.
04:52It's fine, it's just a spider.
04:54Oh, look, it seems to have left of its own volition.
04:57Oh, be a man, Moss.
04:58You're right, I'll be a man. I'm a man.
05:02Please don't shut the door.
05:05I won't.
05:07Goodbye, Jen.
05:12That was my mother.
05:14How did she hear about us?
05:16Oh, was that the woman who phoned earlier?
05:18Cos I've just been telling everybody.
05:20Why would you want to go out with Patricia, anyway?
05:23I mean, her last boyfriend was Simon from Third.
05:27Jen?
05:27Hey-ya!
05:29Hello there.
05:30Have you caught it yet?
05:32Not quite, Jen.
05:33The spider's managed to walk behind me
05:36and it's between me and the door.
05:40So I can't get out.
05:43Simon from Third is the one with the hair.
05:46Oh, him!
05:47Oh, he's awful.
05:48He once ate a copy of Loaded for a bet.
05:53She liked him.
05:54Apparently.
05:55Well, I mean, that explains everything.
05:57She likes the kind of big, obnoxious guy who eats lauders.
06:01Oh!
06:03Hello, Daniel.
06:04How are you?
06:05Oh, I'm great, thanks.
06:06How are you?
06:07I'm great.
06:08Um, well, can either of you tell me, okay, uh, okay,
06:11who wrote Misa Brevis in D minor?
06:14Was it Mozart or Beethoven?
06:17That was a certain Mr. Mozart, I think you'll find.
06:20Oh, oh, right.
06:21Do you, do you know a lot about classical music?
06:23Uh, Petit Point.
06:24Oh, right.
06:27Mozart, Beethoven, 50-50, innit?
06:30Hey, actually, no, you, you were, you were right.
06:32It was, it was Mozart.
06:33Wow, that's, it was, okay, so let's try another one.
06:36Um, okay, uh, here we are.
06:38In what year did Mozart die?
06:40Was it 1780 or 1791?
06:4391.
06:44Yes, yes, bang on!
06:46Wow!
06:48God, I hope he doesn't come in again.
06:52Jen?
06:53Yes?
06:53It's Roy off the phone yet.
06:55The spider is now upon my person.
07:07You, uh, you guys don't mind me chilling out in here, do you?
07:10No.
07:11Chill out.
07:12Did you see the match last night?
07:15Oh, yeah.
07:16Oh, yeah.
07:29What was Rooney thinking of there?
07:32Oh, who knows?
07:34That's Rooney.
07:35He is a foolish boy.
07:40Yeah, but that, that referee, I'm sorry, the referee is just an idiot.
07:43Yes, he was certainly the villain of the piece.
07:47Oh, Daniel, you're still here.
07:50Yeah, just, uh, just having a little break.
07:52Do you want to come and join me?
07:55Oh, stop it!
07:58Well, but, uh...
07:59Oh, uh, by the way, guys, if you need any help with any more spiders,
08:04just, uh, just give me a call, OK?
08:06Yeah, we'll be fine, I think, thanks.
08:08Actually, do you have a card?
08:11That's good.
08:12I'm just to see you.
08:17You like him?
08:19Who?
08:21Oh, that good-looking man with security, written on his shoulder.
08:25Yes, yes, I do.
08:27He seems really nice.
08:28Oh, nice.
08:30Oh, yeah, because that's what you women want.
08:32Nice guys.
08:33Hello, IT.
08:34What are you talking about, Roy?
08:36If my date last night proved anything,
08:38it's that you ladies, you don't want nice guys.
08:41I think if your date proved anything, Roy,
08:43it's that women, like men, without poo on their foreheads.
08:46Oh, that's our type.
08:49That had nothing got to do with it.
08:51She clearly just didn't want a gentleman in her life.
08:54I hate to generalise you know that,
08:56but all women just want bastards.
08:59Oh, that women-liking-bastards thing is a total myth.
09:04I've tried turning it off and on again,
09:06and nothing happens.
09:07Is it definitely plugged in?
09:11Oh, sorry, that's it.
09:12Thanks very much.
09:13You're welcome, man.
09:15It's just not true.
09:17Women don't want gentlemen, they want bullies and thugs.
09:21I'll prove it to you.
09:22How will you prove it to me, Roy?
09:24Oh, OK.
09:26I'll put on a classified ad online.
09:30A classified?
09:31Yeah, like a Lonely Hearts thing,
09:33but I'll make it sound psychotic,
09:34and I still bet I'll get a bazillion replies.
09:37Oh, dear God.
09:37Come on, how much?
09:38OK, yeah.
09:39I'll give you 20 quid if you get one response.
09:44You're on.
09:44Oh, my God, no.
09:47It's all about body fluids with you, isn't it?
09:52Come on, Moss, we need to get to work.
09:54Work?
09:55Yeah, we need to post a classified Lonely Hearts ad online
09:58that makes me sound like a psycho
10:00so that I can prove to Jen that all women love bastards
10:02and therefore win £20.
10:04Oh, thank God, I thought that thing was broken.
10:17Shut up.
10:18Do what I tell you.
10:19I'm not interested.
10:21These are just some of the things
10:23you'll be hearing if you answered this ad.
10:26I'm an idiot, and I don't care about anyone but myself.
10:30P.S. No dogs.
10:34That's good.
10:35What's yours?
10:37Mine doesn't look any good now.
10:39Go on.
10:40I'm going to murder you.
10:45You bloody woman.
10:49Might want to play a bit hard to guess.
10:53If you were a murderer, what would your nickname be?
10:56Mine would be The Gardener,
10:57cos I'd always leave a rose at the scene of the crime.
11:00What would your murder weapon be?
11:03A hammer.
11:07I must.
11:11Would you like to go for dinner with me?
11:14And then move it back to my place?
11:18I'd love to, Jen,
11:19but I'm actually helping Roy at the moment.
11:21No, no, no, no, no, no.
11:23Who does this remind you of, yeah?
11:26Do you want to go on a date with me?
11:30Gandhi?
11:33No, no, no, the other one, Bono.
11:37No, no, no, no, I was doing Roy.
11:39Oh, yes, yes.
11:40It's like there was two of me.
11:42Come on, get your money ready.
11:43£20.
11:45Hey, hello.
11:49It's a security.
11:51I hope I'm not in any danger.
11:54Oh, my God.
11:55It's not shit.
11:59On my head, it's not shit.
12:01It's chocolate spread.
12:02Taste it.
12:04No.
12:05Look, look, look, look, look, look, that is, oh, that is soft.
12:10Ringo Starr?
12:12I'll be wondering about that all night.
12:15How do you know about this site?
12:16Oh, I'm a member.
12:19Really?
12:19You do the whole Lonely Hearts thing?
12:22I'm a 32-year-old IT man who works in the basement.
12:26Yes, I do the whole Lonely Hearts thing.
12:32So, as you can clearly see, it wasn't excrement, it was chocolate.
12:39I was playing a joke, it was chocolate.
12:41Jen, it's OK, I've got it.
12:43Don't worry about it.
12:44Listen, what are you doing tonight?
12:47I've got a response.
12:48Oh, that was quick.
12:50Yeah?
12:51Why's it taking so long to download?
12:52Oh, something happened with the routers this morning.
12:54We're back to pre-broadband speed.
12:56Oh, dear.
13:05But we're on the phone now.
13:07Why can't you just ask me now?
13:08Can't, Jen.
13:09Trust me.
13:10Why should I trust you?
13:12Because I know what's good for you.
13:16Listen, you have to be home between 8 and 9 tonight.
13:18Are you going to be home?
13:19OK, this sounds exciting.
13:21Look, it might not happen, OK, but hopefully it will.
13:24Well, now, I don't know if this is exciting or not.
13:26Jen.
13:27Jen, it's exciting.
13:32Would be very interested in meeting up and talking it over.
13:36Love, Rebecca.
13:36Oh, my God.
13:37What did we write again?
13:38It started with, shut up.
13:41Oh, there's more.
13:43I attach a photograph for your approval.
13:46Or not!
13:47Exclamation mark.
13:48All right.
13:48Let's have a look at you, you mad thing.
13:54Nice hair so far.
13:57Eyebrows seem normal.
13:59Two eyes.
14:00That's the best amount of eyes.
14:03Nice eyes, too.
14:05It has to go wrong.
14:06She must have a shite nose.
14:11Oh, do you remember the internet of the speed?
14:13Up all night and you'd see eight women.
14:18Good nose.
14:18That is a good nose.
14:20The mouth has to be wrong.
14:21There's got to be something wrong with the mouth.
14:24Now, that's a good-looking woman.
14:27Shall I tell Jen we've got a reply?
14:30Roy?
14:32Roy?
14:34Roy?
14:37Roy?
14:46Hello, Daniel.
14:47I mean, hello.
14:50Jen, hello.
14:51It's Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
14:54Oh, my God!
14:55Chris Tarrant, hello!
14:57Oh, my God!
14:59Oh, my God!
14:59Oh, my God!
15:00Jen, the next voice you hear is going to be Daniel.
15:02Daniel?
15:03It's OK.
15:03But before I put you on with him,
15:05he's asked me to ask you a question.
15:07OK.
15:07He can ask me a question.
15:09Yeah, he wants to know if you'll go out for dinner with him tomorrow night.
15:12Oh, my God!
15:13He's boring me!
15:15Yes!
15:16Yes!
15:16I can't go wrong!
15:17I can't go wrong!
15:18Yes!
15:18Yes, I can't go wrong!
15:19I can't go wrong!
15:21Yeah, that's great, Jen.
15:22Right, now, let me fill you in on what's happening.
15:25Daniel's doing very well, although he has just used his 50-50.
15:2850-50.
15:28Now, here's Daniel.
15:29Daniel, you've got 30 seconds, starting from now.
15:33OK, Jen.
15:33Hello, Daniel.
15:34Yeah, hi, Jen.
15:35Hi, Jen.
15:35OK, who composed The Wooden Prince?
15:38Was it A, Bartok, B, Chopin?
15:45Oh, oh, did you see I'm a millionaire last night?
15:49Who wants to be a millionaire, it's called.
15:50No, I didn't.
15:51Well, you are not going to Adam and believe this.
15:54Um, OK, do these make me look like a bastard?
15:58Why do you want to look like a bastard?
15:59I've got that date tonight.
16:01She's expecting a monster.
16:02Do these make me look like a bastard?
16:04They make you look like an idiot?
16:05Anyway, did you see it?
16:07What?
16:07Do you want to be a millionaire?
16:10Who wants to be a millionaire?
16:13Ah, who wants to be a person who is wrong?
16:17Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
16:18What's happened?
16:19If I may?
16:20Sure.
16:21Guess who was on it last night?
16:23You?
16:24No, Daniel, King of Men.
16:26Daniel was on Millionaire?
16:27Indeed he was, sir.
16:29And it was the Do You Want to Phone a Friend?
16:31It's just phone a friend.
16:32Anyway.
16:33Shh, she was the phone a friend.
16:35She was the phone a friend.
16:36You were the phone a friend!
16:37Oh, what was the subject?
16:39Classical music is the extraordinary answer to that question.
16:43So who, of course, is Daniel, our esteemed temp security guard,
16:46going to phone but Jonathan Miller over here?
16:49Daniel was on Millionaire.
16:51Too bad it wasn't 50-50.
16:53It was.
16:55And?
16:56I got it wrong.
16:57Oh!
16:58I cost him £31,000.
17:00It isn't funny, though.
17:02Now I have to go on a date with him.
17:03Wow, the rules on that show have really changed.
17:05No!
17:06No, you don't understand.
17:08He asked me out on the show before I got the question wrong.
17:12It was all very romantic.
17:15But now...
17:17I don't think he likes me now!
17:19And I don't want to go out with the biggest loser in England!
17:22There you are!
17:24Daniel.
17:25Hiya!
17:26Hiya!
17:28You're going to go for this meal, then?
17:30Yeah.
17:31Yeah, I can't wait.
17:33I'm going to take you to one of my favourite restaurants.
17:35Right.
17:36Yeah.
17:40I'll pay!
17:42It really is the least I can do.
17:49Oh, my God.
17:51Did you see that look?
17:52I have a dinner date with that man.
17:56If I'm not here tomorrow, I want you to call the police.
17:59Maybe not the best time to mention it, but also you owe me 20 quid.
18:02What?
18:03You got a response?
18:04With the one that ended No Dogs?
18:06Yep.
18:08Oh, my God.
18:08Brilliant.
18:09More money gone.
18:09Well, now, the money that Daniel lost wasn't really yours, was it?
18:12It would have been if I'd married him, Moss.
18:15Oh, gosh, OK.
18:16I need a good restaurant.
18:17Maybe if he likes the food, he won't beat me to death with the shoe.
18:21I thought you said you were taking me to one of your favourite restaurants.
18:24Haven't you got it yet?
18:26That's what I do.
18:27I lie.
18:29I lie and I lie and I lie.
18:33Well, I went to a good place recently.
18:35Nice atmosphere.
18:36Food's great.
18:37Really?
18:38Yes.
18:39What?
18:40Sorry, I just didn't have you down as a restaurant,
18:41I'm a restaurant person.
18:42I'm a restaurant person?
18:43Why wouldn't I be a restaurant person?
18:45Cheese string?
18:47No, thanks.
18:48What's this place called?
18:50Missy Joe's.
18:51Is that French?
18:52French.
18:52No, it's English.
18:54Oh, OK.
18:55Thank you, Moss.
18:56Yeah, I'll give that a go.
18:58OK, I need a place to bring this girl that says,
19:02I'm a bastard.
19:03Well, I went to a good place recently.
19:06Nice atmosphere.
19:07Food's great.
19:08It's got a bit of an edge.
19:09Yeah?
19:09What's it called?
19:10Missy Joe's.
19:11What is that, Spanish?
19:12No.
19:13Spanish, it's English.
19:15Missy Joe's.
19:35Well, hey, okie-dokie.
19:37You get the firecracker nachos,
19:39and you get the prawn bites with spicy salsa.
19:47This seems an unusual place for someone like you to want to meet.
19:53Yeah, but everyone needs a place to come to be alone.
20:06Can we get a clown over here, please?
20:10You're a loner.
20:11I'm a loner, all right.
20:13I'm just a lonely loner on lonely robes.
20:23Alone.
20:26Do you always wear shades?
20:28Always.
20:30They help me hide the fact I'm always lying.
20:35Little women.
20:44Hey, everyone is having, having fun, fun, fun.
20:48Because everything is nice, and everyone is friendly.
20:51Lots of friendly faces having fun, fun, fun.
20:53Because everything is nice, and everyone is friendly.
20:56Smile, and the world will...
20:58Excuse me, excuse me.
20:59It's just, it's not, sorry.
21:00It's just not appropriate at the moment.
21:14Everyone is having, having fun.
21:22Ah, ha, ha.
21:23You're that bloke off the telly.
21:24Ah, ha, ha.
21:26And you must be the woman he phoned.
21:27Oh, brilliant.
21:29Funniest thing I've seen in ages.
21:31Ha, ha, ha, ha.
21:33Ha, ha, ha, ha.
21:35Ha, ha, ha, ha.
21:39Ha, ha, ha, ha.
21:39Ha, ha, ha, ha.
21:40Ha, ha, ha, ha.
21:41Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
21:42God, I'm a bastard.
21:45Yes.
21:46So you keep saying.
21:48Trouble.
21:48It's basically what I am.
21:53Oh, thank you.
21:54Oh.
21:57You know something?
21:59I don't think you're a bastard at all.
22:02I am so.
22:04I am a complete tool.
22:08Oh, my God.
22:10Oh, my God.
22:10Oh, my God.
22:11Oh, my God.
22:14Oh, my God.
22:16Oh, my God.
22:18Oh, my God.
22:21Oh, my God.
22:22Hey, whoa.
22:23What's going on?
22:24Stay out of this, Fonzie.
22:25You're fighting me, kid.
22:26Okay.
22:27Oh, you're angry.
22:28His blood just insulted me.
22:30Ah!
22:31Hey, a bit more careful with the clown shoe there, mister.
22:34Oh, my God.
22:39Just hold your head back.
22:41Yeah.
22:43Oh, God.
22:45Oh.
22:46Oh.
22:48He caught me by surprise.
22:50Oh, when I see him tomorrow,
22:54Oh, that was his last day.
22:56Oh, thank God.
22:57Oh, my God.
22:59If you're coming, can you just bloody hurry up?
23:01I'm coming.
23:01For God's sake.
23:02I just need to take my shoes off.
23:04Car.
23:05They look like such fools.
23:10Hey, I'll call you a car.
23:12Oh, no, no, no.
23:13It's fine.
23:13Taxi.
23:14Oh, don't be stupid.
23:15It's cold.
23:16Taxi.
23:18Oh, God.
23:18Yeah, you can have your 20 back.
23:20I don't really think the bed proved anything.
23:23Taxi!
23:38Thanks.
23:40I just...
23:40Nice, then!
23:53Hi, girls.
23:55My name is Maurice Moss, or Moss for short.
23:58Sorry about the sound quality,
23:59but I'm having to do this in the toilet at my mum's house.
24:02She's watching Diagnosis Murder at full volume,
24:05and it drives me up the wall.
24:07Don't worry, though.
24:08I'm sitting on the toilet,
24:10but I'm not using it.
24:12What?
24:14Moss.
24:14Yes?
24:15What are you doing in there?
24:16Number twos.
24:17Leave me alone.
24:18Don't get flushed the toilet.
24:20Don't clog it up like you usually do.
24:22I know.
24:23Stop doing this.
24:24You're always doing this.
24:25You're making it go back in.
24:29Now, my time.
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