- 2 days ago
The Claudia Winkleman Show S01E07 (2026)
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00:00Hello, how are you? Thank you. Good
00:04Quite giggly
00:06This is when we put the best bits of the show together. Have you watched any of it? I watched
00:12one, okay
00:17Only because I go to bed early. No, so do I
00:31I
00:54Always happen just screaming every single day of my life
01:00Just
01:02I'm not gonna lie. I'm shit myself, Claudia. No
01:07Rachel your best friend is
01:10Your biggest fan, which I'm sure you get this a lot when I was growing up and One Direction was
01:16getting very popular
01:16I was getting into Les Miserables, so I wasn't really me too
01:23And my best friend when I was a kid I've known her since I was one
01:26Oh, her name is Carly and she had a cardboard cut out of you in her bedroom
01:32So when we had sleepovers, do you know who watched me sleep?
01:35Oh
01:37It's all coming back
01:40It's all coming back to me now
01:42It really is
01:44Quite intense to see you in the flesh
01:47Thank you all so much for coming because Jimmy you got in from Australia literally this morning
01:53Well, I flew from Australia, but via Los Angeles. Oh
01:57So it was I went I'm basically trying to prove flat-earthers wrong
02:03How do you deal with it? What's the answer Lisa? What's your do you have an answer you get on
02:08the plane drugs?
02:12But what are you supposed to eat? I can't travel anywhere. I can't go to Manchester. I get jet-lagged.
02:17I've never yeah, it's true
02:18I've never moved. I don't think you're supposed to eat. I think you're not supposed to eat. You know when
02:23to eat on the plane, right?
02:24Right. I don't eat plain food
02:26You don't? I do if I'm hungry
02:31That's how food works
02:35I
02:35Read once that you love meat. I always know I always travel with like biltong. It's like cured sort of
02:44And when you say like do you take a sliver or are you taking a bag? I take like a
02:48big big bag
02:50Just to get me through. Yeah, I think sort of fatty bag of sort of old meat
02:58What's happening
02:59You can get like prepackaged stuff in supermarkets. It's terrible
03:03I feel like I need a visual of it. I don't know what it looks like
03:05I go to like a South Africa
03:06Like a South Africa store. Like a South Africa themed store. But does the meat?
03:11Is it odiferous? Like does it smell really bad? I don't think it smells bad, but I think other people
03:17might think it smells bad
03:19I don't know. Just curious. It smells good. You know. Yeah. It smells good. Are you a meat eater?
03:24I love meat. Yeah, listen, I'll bring you to this of Africa themed shop
03:30This is the worst episode of first
03:35Chase infinity the best name on the sofa the best name I think I've ever heard
03:41Your parents very clever. How did they put it together?
03:44They they had watched Batman forever and Nicole Kidman played a character named Chase Meridian and they were like regardless
03:50of anything
03:51Her name is gonna be chased because they were obsessed with Nicole Kidman in in that movie
03:55And then infinity comes from a toy story to infinity and beyond and I've just gone by chase infinity since
04:00I was ten
04:01So that's that's how they sort of decided what you were gonna do
04:05Before they even met kind of crazy literally crazy how that happened
04:09But yeah, and what's your sister called? Her name is Dolce and she's into fashion. She went to school for
04:15Is that all you have to do
04:20I would have given my kids different names
04:25Rita thank you for coming because you've come from very far, but you love London used to live here. I
04:30do love London
04:31Yes
04:31I went to drama school here at Lambda very long time ago, but it was super fun
04:36And it was it was you know, like you're living in England you're in London. I saw so much theater
04:42It was absolutely fantastic
04:44Yeah, so when you come back you like I remember this little shop or I want to have this soup
04:49from here
04:50Oh, no, no, you have to understand like I was on a student's budget and so in in America
04:55We have this thing called the freshman 10 which is when you go off to college you immediately gain 10
05:00pounds
05:01And I definitely had that because my diet was like mcdiddies mcvitties
05:05Did I say mcdiddies?
05:07I like mcdiddies
05:07Yes, we're going to mcdiddies
05:10We all did that in freshman year
05:14McDonald's
05:16Yeah
05:17I'll have the double ditty
05:19I'll have the double ditty and an std test
05:22But mcdiddies was also mcdonald's because it was like french fries or mcvitties
05:26That was my diet and my body loved it. Yeah, you were like, thank you. I will give me more
05:32please
05:33Russell, uh for you bristol or london?
05:37Well, i'm from bristol, so I you know, I prefer bristol, but it's no. I like I like london. I'm
05:43a fan
05:43I I got I got mugged here once and it was the most but it was the most middle-class
05:48mugging
05:49So a friend of mine had she'd just given birth
05:51So I got some cupcakes so i'm carrying these cupcakes up this hill and this kid's probably about 15
05:56Really pasty looking kid just stands in front of me and goes oi
06:02You better give me one of them cupcakes
06:05I
06:06Suddenly kind of went you you can't have them that's my friend. She's just given birth
06:10This kid suddenly went i'm sorry tell her congratulations
06:14And we said it's such a beautiful moment of like
06:19You kind of go from fear to like yeah
06:22And i like it um we have unbelievable news because dan you are moving to london yeah
06:31Yeah i mean i'm moving as as yes i have a place here that is i will be here
06:38As much as i possibly can with with within legal bounds
06:43You lived here before i did i lived here in my early had a very bad relationship
06:48I'm sorry needed to come here because that's where notting hill was the movie
06:55And i was like i don't know i'm i'm 21 years old anything's possible i'm gonna move to london and
07:01find myself
07:02So i found a little apartment yeah and it was great and it was i moved in and i'm a
07:09i'd like to be clean
07:10I'm spraying everywhere i don't know who was in here before it was kind of dirty
07:15I'm hearing rumors from the people downstairs that it might have been a a mother daughter
07:22Sex duo got it oh sexy
07:26Probably had way more sex in there than i did anyway
07:29I'm cleaning what was the address out of interest
07:31I pull the bed from the wall at this point i had taken my gloves off
07:36And i'm now you know when you're in cleaning mode it doesn't you're not really yeah you're just fishing
07:40So i'm reaching down the side of the bed
07:44I'm gonna tell you what i found and then you tell me what you think it is okay okay
07:48So i grabbed it and i just say the weirdest game show i've ever been on
07:53I'm into it it slips out of my hands what do you mean oh hell it was a
08:00Yeah phallic shaped perfume bottle
08:04Wrapped in a condom oh and tied at the end
08:08Oh and slippery
08:15I love john was hit your flat
08:19Finally someone found it
08:22Do you still have it?
08:24What do you think it was what perfume?
08:26It's a sex toy isn't it?
08:27No not perfume well it was perfume until someone turned it into something else
08:32Why else would it be me have a condom?
08:34Well maybe because it was cold
08:38I don't
08:39You asked
08:40I know
08:43Anna uh you wrote a brilliant book
08:45Oh i better get us some water yes
08:47Called unqualified where you talk about the professions that one should avoid
08:52Yes in in dating list some of the things we should not go near
08:56Number one magician correct
09:01Somebody who was tricking you i don't know they won't let you in on their secrets
09:06I had a boy
09:06Also they're going to bore you rigid with a pack of cards
09:10Like take my bra off i don't give a shit
09:13Yeah
09:14Number two athlete professional athlete
09:17For the normal reasons cheating and whatnot but also because
09:22I think you're gonna have to do some ego lifting
09:25Yeah
09:26You know oh the rookie isn't that good or
09:28And they're gonna want a smoothie
09:30As soon as your knee gets better
09:32Yeah
09:32Yeah
09:33Number three chef
09:35Um i do think it's an environment when i was waiting tables where uh it felt like anger
09:44Wasn't managed was celebrated
09:46I don't think you can leave that mentality at work
09:49Yeah
09:49Um i think there's only one
09:51One in the list of professions you should date
09:55Yep and what is that please
09:57That is a woodworker a canoe somebody who makes canoes by the coast
10:02Cop and solitary he's sad
10:07He's sad he's been lonely and he's but he's carving that canoe and sanding it
10:13I imagine he's quite thorough
10:15Oh yeah
10:16Yes
10:25Sorry
10:27You know what we've got an army of in the audience
10:29Woodworkers they're right there
10:31No no gentlemen
10:36Thank you
10:38That's amazing
10:39Woodworkers
10:41Thank you woodworkers
10:43Quiet heroes
10:44Yes
10:46Liam i think you are the speaker of the woodworkers is that right
10:50I think so yeah
10:50Okay um have you ever made a canoe
10:54Yeah
10:55And i'm very thorough
11:00Sanding and sanding
11:03What do you think about as you're sanding
11:06Yeah
11:06Do you think about love
11:07All the time
11:10For the rest of you any professions you'd steer clear of
11:14Actors
11:15Who do
11:16Livia
11:17I think if you own or created an app
11:20I think it's
11:21What about the man who created wordle for his girlfriend it's so romantic
11:25Oh i didn't know that story okay he not him
11:27But all the other ones you don't want an app created
11:30All the ones that are coming to mind
11:34Do you know what i keep on thinking where you're like a woodworker but it's got
11:37Over like a story i'm like you need to read the bible
11:42Your mind's going to be blown
11:44I do
11:45Yeah
11:46I do
11:47Yeah yeah
11:48The album is called the sound of a woman
11:51Right
11:52The sound of a woman i think is just
11:54Exactly
11:54Exactly
11:55I say that quite a lot
11:56My husband has an idea
11:59Exactly
12:00Yes
12:01That's another one
12:02A bit bad bad bad bad bad
12:03I've got a
12:07Yeah go make the bed
12:08Do his homework
12:10No more words
12:11One of my
12:11One of my favourite noises a woman's ever made
12:14I was in
12:14Wow wait a minute
12:15I saw a lady see johnny depp
12:21In the streets
12:22It's probably about 20 years ago
12:24In the noise
12:24I'll never do it justice
12:26But she saw it and went
12:26It was so just
12:31And you could sort of see it happening as he's walking down various women
12:34He was just sort of gliding down the street
12:37Causing various noises
12:39Um
12:39I could do something but it's filthy
12:41Do it just do it right now before
12:43No no no
12:43Yes
13:00I was just making conversation
13:02I'll tell you what I can do
13:05I can do an extraordinary but it's audio only
13:09Horse impression
13:11Do you want to go around the back so that we can only hear you?
13:15And I have used it in foreplay
13:21Are you ready?
13:24It's audio
13:25Just imagine wedding night 28 years guys
13:29Ready okay
13:31Are you coming to bed?
13:32Yes
13:33Yes
13:33I get pretend hooves on
13:34I don't
13:35Great
13:36Are you ready?
13:38Are you ready?
13:38Oh
13:41That is incredible
13:47We all would
13:48We all would
13:49Yeah
13:50That is the sound of a woman.
13:54LAUGHTER
13:56Just to be clear.
13:58Oh, what a male.
14:01Joanne, you're doing all of these shows
14:03and you also would like to adopt a dog.
14:06I bought a house, finally on the ladder, I have a garden.
14:09Lovely.
14:09I was like, I'll obviously rescue a dog, because that's what you do.
14:12Also, I'm adopted myself, so I feel it's only fair to pay it forward.
14:17LAUGHTER
14:20True.
14:23I'm a rescue dog.
14:25I'm a rescue!
14:27Yeah, so I would always rescue.
14:29I would never buy new.
14:32Shame on you for having your own children, Claudia.
14:35You should have done that.
14:37How dare you.
14:38Anyway, I rang up and it is so hard.
14:42I'll probably get rinsed for saying this,
14:45but I was like, blah, blah, blah, I want to adopt a dog.
14:47And they were like, do you have a car?
14:49And I was like, no.
14:51I said, I have access to an e-scooter.
14:53LAUGHTER
14:54And they were like, do you don't have a car?
14:55And they were like, you can't adopt a dog.
14:58And I was like, what am I driving it to?
14:59It's piano lessons.
15:01LAUGHTER
15:02I like the fact that I'm just like...
15:04We're having a chat and Rafe looks like, help me.
15:08I want to talk about my play.
15:12Rafe, I'm going to talk to you about your play.
15:13I don't want you to panic and run away screaming.
15:16I'm staying here.
15:16Yeah, good boy.
15:19Erm...
15:20The good boy was too much.
15:22LAUGHTER
15:23As I said that, I was like, I'm uncomfortable.
15:26LAUGHTER
15:27There'll be an opening night.
15:29There will be a red carpet.
15:31Do you guys like a red carpet?
15:33Look at Olivia's face.
15:35Straight away.
15:35It's disgusting, isn't it?
15:36Like, well, when you've got all those people screaming at you,
15:41my reaction is to want to cry or run away.
15:44LAUGHTER
15:45And so, like, I can't...
15:46Like, it's sort of all that energy gets put down
15:48and under my dress, my, like, right knee is quivering, like that.
15:51Yeah.
15:52It's...
15:53Erm...
15:53But it's like...
15:54No, but it can be quite scary.
15:56It's intense.
15:56Oh, 100%.
15:57And I don't know...
15:58There isn't...
15:59At least...
16:00When I...
16:01My first red carpet was in the year 2004, Scary Movie,
16:05and it felt confusing.
16:07I'm sure some of those photos I am really, like,
16:11you know, caught.
16:12Caught, like...
16:14I know I don't belong here on this red carpet,
16:18and I think you guys know that too.
16:20That's always the feeling of, like...
16:23Imposter syndrome.
16:24Yes.
16:25I feel like it's just a necessary evil.
16:28You know what I mean?
16:28Like, you've got to do the red carpet to get into the venue
16:31to quaff the free champagne to get the living back.
16:34It's the...
16:34It's the tax.
16:35You know what I mean?
16:37Yeah.
16:39So true.
16:40In my life, and I'm 54,
16:43I've never met anybody who likes a red carpet,
16:46and then, Rafe, I meet you.
16:50I've got evidence.
16:52Let's have a look.
16:53Exhibit 1, please.
16:54Oh!
16:57He has a lot.
17:00I know what you're thinking.
17:01Guys, it's a one-off.
17:03Buckle up.
17:05He's...
17:05He's number two.
17:06Yes.
17:08He's enjoying himself.
17:10That's nothing.
17:12Let's have number three.
17:14Yes.
17:16Yes.
17:17I'm going to take you as an education.
17:20And finally, as we're all going, oh, and it's uncomfortable,
17:25and they're saying my name, Rafe Fiennes, ladies and gentlemen.
17:29LAUGHTER
17:31APPLAUSE
17:36So, why do you love it?
17:38You come out of the car, you're wearing a suit, you've got something, I don't know,
17:41you're just ready, and they're shouting, Rafe, Rafe, and you're like, I've come along.
17:45You know what happens?
17:46You go and they excite, Rafe, Rafe, or the name, and you go,
17:49and then suddenly a boredom factor kicks in.
17:54LAUGHTER
17:58And you entertain yourself to get through the fucking thing.
18:01LAUGHTER
18:04That's a great strategy.
18:06I'm going to try to embrace that.
18:09Dawn and I, my friend Dawn French and I, once thought we'd be really daring,
18:13and we got an ecstasy tablet.
18:16Oh, goodness me.
18:17And we thought we could take...
18:18Well, I think it was something with a rabbit on it.
18:20It was about that big.
18:21LAUGHTER
18:22And we thought, one day, I said, well, be alone.
18:26Yeah.
18:26It became such a matter of planning as to when we could take half an ecstasy tablet.
18:33And so we kept it and kept it on Dawn's mantelpiece like that.
18:37And then one day, just about six months later, we've gone, OK, we're ready.
18:42We had water.
18:44We didn't know what to expect at all.
18:47The pill had gone.
18:48LAUGHTER
18:50That your dog was looking lively that day.
18:53Oh, my God!
18:54And it was quite a relief.
18:56Yeah, you were like, thank goodness.
18:57Thank God, we don't do that any more.
18:58Yeah, yeah.
18:59No drugs for us.
19:00The dog was out in the garden jumping up and down.
19:03Having sex with the dragon.
19:05LAUGHTER
19:07Where did you first meet him?
19:09Where did I first meet Riz Ahmed?
19:11For legal purposes, I've been asked to frame this story.
19:15LAUGHTER
19:16To go back, like, 20 years.
19:19Could be a little bit more.
19:20And I'm from Coventry, I still live there.
19:22And I, before I did this, had different vocations.
19:26Mm-hm.
19:27Um, one of my vocations...
19:30LAUGHTER
19:30..was...
19:32..selling tulips.
19:33Let's go with that.
19:35LAUGHTER
19:35Let's go with that.
19:36What beautiful tulips they were.
19:38Right?
19:38Yes.
19:38I was a florist.
19:39People really liked the flowers.
19:40Every time they said,
19:41Brother, this flower is the best flower I ever smelt in my whole life.
19:45OK?
19:46LAUGHTER
19:46So, I was in an alleyway with my still best friend till this day
19:50and a gentleman comes running into the alleyway
19:53and when you're selling tulips late at night,
19:54everyone's on edge, yes?
19:58Go with it, guys.
19:59I looked down, I looked down the alleyway
20:01and there's Riz Ahmed.
20:03But I didn't know it was Riz Ahmed.
20:04And Riz Ahmed was a little bit nervous
20:06about the activity of floristry in this particular alleyway.
20:10LAUGHTER
20:10But to his credit, Riz decided to venture down there
20:13to me and my friend and said,
20:15My brothers, I'm about to spit some bars in the Students' Union.
20:19Would you like to join me?
20:21And I looked at my friend and said,
20:22Probably not, man.
20:23These tulips ain't gonna sell themselves, brothers.
20:25LAUGHTER
20:27My friend, who's a good person, he's a good geezer,
20:30he said, No, we should support this guy.
20:31He looks kind of stressed.
20:32So we accompanied him to the Students' Union.
20:35This is Oscar-winning Riz Ahmed 20 years ago.
20:37And he performed quite OK-ish rap music
20:42to a group of six people.
20:44In Coventry Students' Union.
20:47And ten years later, when I started doing, like, comedy
20:50and silly stuff like that,
20:51he messaged me and he goes,
20:53But can I ask you a question?
20:55I said, Yeah.
20:56He said, Did you used to sell tulips?
21:00LAUGHTER
21:00In an alleyway in Coventry.
21:03And I said, Who are you, the police?
21:05Go away!
21:06LAUGHTER
21:07And that's the story of how me and Riz Ahmed?
21:09I mean...
21:14Josh, could you try and explain to Dan who Mr Blobby is?
21:20OK, it's quite...
21:21So, there was...
21:24Bear in mind, this took four hours in the podcast.
21:26Right.
21:27I need it in 15 to 30 seconds.
21:29There was a man called Noel Edmonds.
21:31He had a Saturday night TV show.
21:33Uh-huh.
21:33And he used to prank people.
21:35It was huge.
21:35It was the biggest show on British TV.
21:37Massive.
21:37Massive.
21:38And he thought a good way of doing that
21:39would be to dress as a fake character.
21:41So they made Mr Blobby,
21:42which was a seven-foot rubber and pink thing
21:45that went blobby, blobby, blobby.
21:47And then, you know...
21:48There's a photo.
21:50Is it?
21:50Yeah, go on.
21:51Yeah.
21:52Yeah!
21:52So, that's just to be clear,
21:54Noel is on the left.
21:56Very good.
21:56And...
21:56Come on!
21:58Don't mind it.
21:59And so...
22:00And then the problem was that Mr Blobby
22:03became so popular...
22:04Terrifying.
22:05Popular?
22:06Yeah.
22:06With the British public...
22:08That he became...
22:10This is absolutely bone-chilling.
22:13If this creature showed up at my house,
22:15I would call the police.
22:18So that Mr Blobby,
22:19he became so popular,
22:20he got a number one single.
22:22Yeah.
22:22Right?
22:23A Christmas number?
22:23What do you mean?
22:24He went to things too?
22:25He's Mr Blobby.
22:26He's Mr Blobby.
22:26Exactly, yeah.
22:28And then he became so popular
22:30they opened a string of Mr Blobby theme parks.
22:32Yes, they did.
22:33That's all.
22:34That's our Mickey Mouse.
22:35Yeah.
22:36LAUGHTER
22:39APPLAUSE
22:39OK.
22:44Um...
22:44Rita?
22:45Yes?
22:45A slight bone to pick with you.
22:47All right.
22:48You enjoy camping?
22:49Yeah.
22:50I love camping.
22:51So do you mean camping as in,
22:52we're coming, pitch up the tent
22:54and bring me a pet giraffe,
22:56or are you...
22:57I don't know, I've never camped.
22:59No!
23:00Or you're like driving
23:01and you're making a stove?
23:03Yes.
23:04We have one of those vans
23:06that is, you know, kitted out
23:08with a bed and a kitchen and everything.
23:10And there's nothing better than cooking in the outdoors.
23:12It is so fantastic.
23:14Like, I don't know,
23:15there's something about being under the stars
23:18and there's a lovely little...
23:20Lovely.
23:21..toilet in there.
23:22So it's very civilised.
23:23It's very civilised.
23:24Is it one of those where you have that blue liquid
23:26and you have to...
23:27No.
23:28They're very high-tech now.
23:29Oh, are they?
23:30Very, very high-tech.
23:31So, you know what I mean?
23:32It's that weird...
23:33Exactly.
23:34Grastery's great
23:35and then you're like...
23:36Terrible.
23:37You're not working away your shame.
23:40No.
23:40It's beautiful
23:41and it's really, really great.
23:44Yeah, but it is that...
23:45Sometimes you're like...
23:46And that blue liquid...
23:47I think your friend's coming in a minute.
23:49She's making the horse noises!
23:52I can't kill the move!
23:56Lisa, your character, Valerie,
23:58takes part in Traces.
23:59Uh-huh.
24:00And...
24:01I know.
24:04And Valerie's stint on Traitors
24:06was inspired a little bit
24:08by somebody on the UK Traitors.
24:10Yes, it was.
24:11On Linda.
24:13Linda.
24:13Oh!
24:19Because...
24:20For those who haven't seen...
24:23And they...
24:24I'll just explain.
24:25Linda was the person who...
24:27And I said,
24:27Traitors, you'll meet each other later
24:29and looked at me and nodded.
24:31LAUGHTER
24:32And there was a bit of Linda in it, wasn't there?
24:34A bit?
24:35Yeah.
24:35Oh, my God!
24:37Yeah, we had Valerie...
24:38Someone saying, like,
24:39well, I think he's a traitor.
24:41And she's...
24:41Oh, no, I can tell you 100% he's a faithful.
24:44LAUGHTER
24:45How do you know?
24:46Just...
24:46I have a...
24:47I have a feeling.
24:48I mean, you know, I don't...
24:49Don't you wish we knew who the traitor was?
24:52I do.
24:53I'm being so stressful, yeah.
24:55I love the fact it was based on Linda
24:57and I think it's only right that you meet her.
24:59But...
24:59Oh, yes!
24:59Linda!
25:01Come on!
25:02No way!
25:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:20I love seeing you.
25:22I just somehow wanted Linda and Lisa together,
25:27even just for a minute.
25:28But, Linda, in your wildest dreams,
25:31when that happened and you looked at me and went,
25:34Got it!
25:35LAUGHTER
25:36Uh, did you ever think that then
25:38the mighty Lisa Kudrow would use you
25:41as inspiration in her amazing show?
25:44No!
25:45LAUGHTER
25:47Crazy.
25:48Absolutely crazy.
25:49On our show?
25:50She was voted out, like, that night.
25:52Oh, yeah.
25:53No.
25:54What was wrong with your group?
25:56Yes!
25:57Episode 7.
25:58They took a very long time.
26:00They took a very long time.
26:02They took a very long time.
26:02Because you're very charming.
26:03Ladies and gentlemen, Linda.
26:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:07Thank you, darling.
26:08Thank you, darling.
26:09Lovely to see you.
26:09Thank you, darling.
26:14Oh, my God!
26:16That was thrilling.
26:17I do.
26:18That was thrilling.
26:19What the...?
26:19We're all still alive, though, yeah?
26:23Yes, we are.
26:24I just...
26:24I couldn't help it.
26:26When I watched, I was like,
26:27Oh, hold on a minute.
26:29Yeah.
26:29I know, but they didn't vote her out.
26:31Sorry, none of them are here.
26:33So I can say, not bright.
26:35No.
26:36LAUGHTER
26:39Um, Niall, I found out some other information about you,
26:43which I'm obsessed by.
26:43More information about me?
26:45For Vogue, you went through your beauty routine.
26:48Oh, jeez.
26:51Look at that.
26:53Correct.
26:53And, by the way, it would not fit on these cards.
26:56Not even small font.
26:59I bought a clipboard.
27:01Oh, a clipboard!
27:02There are 22 steps.
27:04Wait.
27:05One, you light a candle to set the tone.
27:09I'll explain.
27:10Give me a minute.
27:11Go on.
27:11I'll give her half an hour, actually.
27:13I was going to say.
27:14Ford, there's a cold water splash.
27:17Pardon.
27:18Number nine is you play with big silver balls.
27:23There are so many.
27:24Tell me what you actually do.
27:26I do quite a few of them, to be fair.
27:28I'm quite...
27:28I'm quite big into the skincare.
27:30Do the ice water in the morning,
27:32three or four dunks.
27:33What?
27:35Action.
27:36I'm going to action all this.
27:37Are you ready?
27:38We've got it.
27:39A couple of moisturisers and, like...
27:41Two moisturisers.
27:42A serum and moisturiser.
27:44Have a spray.
27:45It's like a cold plunge for your face.
27:47Yeah.
27:47It's fucking freezing.
27:48He's actually 72 years old.
27:50Wow.
27:51He looks amazing!
27:52I don't.
27:53I don't.
27:53You do.
27:54I'm so impressed.
27:55I'm used to dealing with lads who cleaned their face with a scrub daddy.
27:58I've never met anyone with it.
28:01Exactly.
28:03I need to move up in the room.
28:05Sorry, Scott.
28:05Yeah!
28:06Um, Guz, what are you doing in the morning?
28:10By the way, look how immaculate that skin is.
28:11I want to have this.
28:12I know, yeah.
28:13Like I wash my face.
28:16Sometimes, you know, sometimes, some mornings it's hard.
28:19My wife puts that, um...
28:21Is it like a blackhead strip?
28:22What is that?
28:23Blackhead strips.
28:24I don't know what it is, but every time...
28:26Every time she puts it on, she insists that she's the one to take it off.
28:31And when she peels it, she does the same thing every time.
28:34She peels it, looks at it and says, disgusting.
28:38So satisfying.
28:39Just so you know.
28:40Yeah.
28:40Very satisfying though.
28:41Did she rip it off, like, quick or slow?
28:44It depends on the mood.
28:45Got it.
28:46Got it.
28:47I think my plan is to, um, two-step skincare and then just eventually get a gorgeous Korean
28:53facelift.
28:54Yeah.
28:55Wow.
28:56How...
28:57We can all be doing it.
28:58Yeah.
28:59I want it.
28:59They just yank you up.
29:01Yeah, they yank you up.
29:01Yeah, yank you right up.
29:03The problem is, where did the folds go?
29:05Who cares about the folds?
29:06It goes into the back of your ears.
29:07Right.
29:08I love my eyes and my head.
29:09I want so much plastic surgery.
29:10When they cremate me, I won't burn.
29:12I'll just...
29:14It just melts.
29:15It just melts.
29:18Yeah.
29:19Yeah.
29:19I can't wait.
29:20It is.
29:21It is.
29:22It is.
29:22It is.
29:23I just shrank.
29:24Remember those crisp packets in the 90s you used to put in the oven, they'd just shrink?
29:27Yeah.
29:28That would be me.
29:28Fingers crossed.
29:29That's my goal.
29:31Yeah.
29:31It's a good goal.
29:32I like it.
29:33I want my eyes at the top of my head.
29:35Yeah.
29:35That was brilliant.
29:36I want my ass on my back.
29:37That's what I want.
29:41Jeff, you've starred, obviously, in Oscar-nominated Wicked, the biggest musical film in recent
29:46memory.
29:47Yes.
29:47Oh, yeah.
29:49Great.
29:49And I don't know whether this is true, but please say it is, that occasionally you would
29:55look down the lens and speak directly to the editor and say, I like that take.
30:00Is that true?
30:01Yes, I would do takes.
30:02I was trying to do a good job and sometimes, as was my want to do, I think is the
30:07phrase,
30:08I would, after a take, I would go, and he would go, and cut.
30:12Okay.
30:14Jeff says, Myron Kirstein.
30:16That's, I say, that's a good one.
30:18Just so you know, our editor is called Steve.
30:20He's happy with any notes you have.
30:24Really?
30:24That's your camera.
30:25Over there.
30:26If you've said something that you're particularly proud of, you just say Steve.
30:29Add.
30:29Yes.
30:30I think I've been lively tonight, Steve.
30:32And I say any, any genuine moment, that especially, I like the spontaneous ones.
30:38Yes.
30:39Where there's a real connection, which I've felt strongly with us.
30:42So I say, so far, anything is good for the show.
30:46Fine.
30:47Steve will take that.
30:49Good, Steve.
30:49I trust you completely, Steve.
30:52James, I love the fact we were chatting earlier and you said your favourite thing is when
30:57you're acting is watching the person who is acting right in front of you.
31:00Like, sometimes you're, and I love when you're so in awe.
31:03Yes.
31:04Oh, man.
31:04Sometimes, like, sometimes really good acting just makes it all seem seamless and all that
31:08kind of stuff.
31:09Sometimes you're working with somebody who just does something so good, you're like,
31:12Yeah.
31:13Oh, my God.
31:14And I was like that with your husband.
31:16Oh, really?
31:17Like, not that we acted together, but, like, I would go in and he'd say, no, he wouldn't
31:21let me.
31:23And I do...
31:23Would you say here your husband is just tell the group?
31:27Yeah, you're married too.
31:29Just so you know.
31:30Yes.
31:31Tell me.
31:33I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but, um, you have all this and be married
31:36to Tom Hanks.
31:37Yes, I am.
31:38And I, yep, but he does this all that.
31:42I don't know why I do this thing sometimes when I get around famous
31:45people, when they kind of go like, hey, what's up?
31:48What are you going to get for lunch?
31:48And they've just been totally normal.
31:50And I'm like, I feel so uncomfortable.
31:53And I go into this weird sort of over, like, almost put on working class thing
31:59when I'm like, all right, man, I know I'm going to get some chips or something.
32:03I'm going to get, like, I drive a Punto.
32:06Do you know what I mean?
32:07How would you drive a Ferrari?
32:08Brilliant, aye.
32:09I'm going to get some bread with butter.
32:11That's definitely.
32:12I'm going to get some caviar.
32:13And I don't know why that happens.
32:16Yeah, of course.
32:16I don't like it.
32:17It's a bit like, you know, when you really fancy somebody.
32:20Yeah.
32:21But early on, you know, when the first person, I found somebody so badly
32:24when I was 17 and he was speak to me and I would just be sick.
32:27You had that character in South Park.
32:29He was like, everything right?
32:30He was like, bleh!
32:33Guys, before you got into comedy and before all of this, you were a teacher.
32:40I was a teacher.
32:41What kind of a teacher were you?
32:44A shit one.
32:45LAUGHTER
32:47I don't believe that.
32:49I just don't believe that.
32:50What do you...
32:51I believe that.
32:51I believe that.
32:54That tracks, yeah, sure.
32:56What did you teach?
32:58Well, here's the thing.
33:00So, when you do your PGCE...
33:02Yeah.
33:03..specialise in teaching, you do that in a specific subject
33:07or set of subjects.
33:09I never got round to teaching those specific sets of subjects.
33:12Right.
33:13So, like, I was basically like a really good big brother
33:17forward slash that fun uncle around school.
33:20And I would like to hope, to think maybe that I had contributed
33:23in a positive way to the children of Grace Academy in Coventry
33:26if I didn't and you failed your GCSEs, I apologise.
33:29LAUGHTER
33:29That is the plot to School of Rock without the music.
33:32Yeah.
33:33Exactly.
33:33Can I tell you something?
33:34Yeah.
33:35Your students loved you.
33:36Did they love me?
33:37They loved you.
33:38Would you like to say hello to one?
33:39No, stop it.
33:40I'm going to cry.
33:41She on the front door.
33:41I'm going to cry.
33:42Sid Man.
33:44What?!
33:47Hey, Mr Khan!
33:48Hello!
33:49Yes!
33:51Give another one!
33:52Yes!
33:52Come here, you lot!
33:54Come here!
33:55Oh, my God!
34:02Who are you, you're 25?
34:04You're 25 now!
34:06I love Cs!
34:08Come here!
34:11What?!
34:14What?!
34:15You bought all the brown ones!
34:17What?
34:20You left on the poor white kids at home in Coventry.
34:22I love you too!
34:23Sid Man.
34:23Have a seat on the sofa, have a seat on the sofa.
34:25I love you.
34:25I love you too.
34:33I've loved having a laugh with you, but to hear their stories about how brilliant you were. I don't embarrass
34:39you. We've got a bit
34:41weird
34:43You were much better
34:46Than you're saying because Simran, what did he do for you? You know what as you see?
34:52Mr Khan, yeah in TV was just like how he was in school. Yeah, I remember the first time I
34:58had him in a class
34:59Yeah, he goes, oi Simran, call me out and I was like, I thought I was in trouble, right?
35:05He was like, I can't be asked to do the presentation slide next button you sit there and you do
35:10it for me
35:15The thing is I was quite shy up until I had Mr Khan as my teacher and again he was
35:21that fun uncle
35:22Vibes, right where he made me feel comfortable and I started to gain a bit of confidence from that but
35:27even
35:28After he left knowing what he pursued was enough to inspire myself to pursue
35:35Something different, you know when you come from Coventry and you come from a South Asian background
35:39You're not always pushed to do something creative. So now, you know, I went to uni I passed
35:44Yeah
35:54You contributed more than you think
35:57Oh
36:00Come on
36:07Tell us about Mr Khan
36:09Why are you sweating so much?
36:12I don't know what I'm allowed to say and not allowed to say in it
36:16Oh
36:16Brother got tulips in his inside pocket
36:17I don't know what it is
36:20Now you know what it is, this guy
36:23He made us all feel like you can go out and do anything that you want
36:26Coventry's
36:27Coventry's going for tulips
36:29So
36:31Everyone
36:32Well done
36:33Everyone there is some sort of florist on one way or another
36:36No one
36:38No one really thinks of Coventry and thinks
36:40Oh, yeah, like someone's going to come out of there
36:42So to see somebody go out and do it like
36:44I'll be the first one to say it and everyone in Coventry has guzzers backing like
36:47We're super proud of what you've done
36:57Now we are nearly at the end of the show
36:59I cannot express this enough that we are deeply unqualified to answer questions
37:06But lovely people in the audience have questions
37:08And so anybody who has a question, please
37:12Um, yes, sir
37:14Yeah, so hello, my name is Balder
37:16I've got a dating question
37:18I've just recently started dating someone
37:20No, I'm married
37:27Sorry
37:28Sorry
37:29No, I've just recently started dating this girl
37:32And I think it's going really well, you know
37:34But I'm afraid that maybe she's into like star signs
37:39No, get out
37:40Well
37:42Is that a red flag?
37:44When was she born?
37:47I don't know
37:48I don't know
37:48But you know the irony is that we met filming a music video
37:51And she was literally in a star-shaped costume
37:55Oh
37:55So I don't know like
37:56Oh, that feels like a classic Sagittarius
38:02First of all, we said we wouldn't bring this here
38:13You were just coming to support me tonight
38:15I mean, why would that be a bad thing?
38:23I think somebody
38:25I think somebody being into star signs is a big red flag for me
38:29This is going to go down badly
38:30If you'd made me guess, I'd have guessed you're into star signs, Claudia
38:34Is that true?
38:36I could burst into two
38:38That's almost the most offensive thing that anybody has ever said today
38:43Let's go deep on this
38:45Why?
38:45Where is the trauma?
38:46Why do we not like star signs?
38:48This was my last shot
38:51I've talked about your podcast
38:59I've done everything I had to do
39:02Can I say this?
39:05But we won't put it out
39:06I think people who believe in star signs are sick
39:22Oh my god
39:24Yes, here we go
39:25Go on, darling
39:26My question is
39:27I want to tell people when they're being annoying
39:30To help them be less annoying
39:33But then I look like a bitch
39:37So what's the best way to handle this?
39:40When you say people
39:42How many people are we talking about?
39:44I mean, it happens every day
39:46There's a lot of people I would like to tell that to
39:51Well, the adage would be
39:52If you meet three arseholes before noon
39:55You're the arsehole
40:06It's tough love
40:10I didn't know it was going to go this way
40:13Would you like a gentler piece of advice?
40:16No, it's alright
40:18I'm so sorry
40:19I think you've learned something
40:21I think you've learned something
40:22Yeah
40:23Me too
40:24And that's what life's about
40:27I mainly do dick jokes
40:29OK
40:31No, I like this Jimmy as well
40:33Wow
40:33What do you do?
40:35I feel like I should
40:35What do you do?
40:36My best
40:37Oh
40:38Oh
40:40That's a great answer
40:41Thank you
40:42Thank you
40:43Thank you
40:47What do you do for living?
40:49I'm training to be a therapist
40:54I mean...
40:57I mean...
40:58I'm not sure if it's the job for you
41:06Everybody else?
41:08My question is
41:10What do you think is the meaning of life?
41:20I like it
41:22I'm surprised by it
41:24And let's run with it
41:26Rafe
41:30Um...
41:35Is that alcohol?
41:37Yes, it's good
41:38It's a good girl
41:39It's a good girl
41:47Good friendships
41:50Enjoyment of food
41:53Um...
41:54Acceptance of death
41:56Oh, that's...
41:57Be cool about death
41:58Be cool about death
41:59Be cool about death
42:00Yeah, that's it
42:00Wow
42:01That's really good
42:04That's...
42:04I like that
42:06That's really good
42:07Thank you so much
42:08OK, we've got one...
42:11One final question
42:12Oh, there we go
42:14There we go
42:19Yeah
42:20What's the fucking...
42:24Oh my god
42:26No?
42:36Um...
42:37You people are fucking crazy
42:42Yes, you in the pink
43:02Josh would you like to answer that please I think you should put the perfume bottle in something first
43:37Oh
43:39for me
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