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00:05Hey!
00:06Colonel!
00:07Are you considering my suggestion to transfer to a different base?
00:10No, I just remembered that I left a knife behind the toilet.
00:14Oh, I found it when I was putting mine there.
00:15Come on in, I'll get it for you.
00:17Yeah, I just hate getting caught with my pants down,
00:20especially when my pants are down.
00:21Ah, thank you.
00:22I have a feeling you're here for more than a knife.
00:24I have ways of making you talk.
00:26Very nice, yeah.
00:27Oh, I like these glasses.
00:29Thanks.
00:30You know, I had a feeling you'd knock on my door.
00:32Really?
00:33Mm-hmm.
00:33Did you know that I am the first woman in the Canadian Army to see combat?
00:38I know.
00:38And the first woman to ever lead NATO.
00:40I know.
00:41NATO me, baby.
00:42But I will not be the first woman to fall for some half-assed sexual harassment trap.
00:47You're in my chain of command.
00:49Going any further could be cause for my dismissal.
00:51Okay.
00:51I had one card to play and I played it, all right?
00:54Really?
00:54Because I found a brick of marijuana when I was hiding the pantry knife.
00:57Pantry knife.
00:59Everybody knows you don't hide a knife in the pantry.
01:01You hide a gun.
01:04What is this?
01:07Forget it, Scrap.
01:08She found the drugs we planted.
01:09Bye.
01:17It's a vote of confidence that General Martin is letting me help mediate the situation between
01:22you two.
01:22Mediators.
01:23They're like the refs of real life except they have no whistles, no power, and no purpose.
01:28You wanted me to work with Martin so that I can help, right?
01:31Mm-hmm.
01:31Well, you have got to meet me halfway.
01:33Colonel.
01:34I see you're still in my office.
01:36Our office.
01:36I would like to start by thanking you for this opportunity.
01:39I believe that we can find a fair solution today.
01:42That doesn't involve a sex trap?
01:44Your loss.
01:45I am willing to offer a few fair solutions.
01:47Number one, we can transfer him to a different army base.
01:50Or he can continue to work here under my command, but with minimal contact.
01:54I have prepared what I consider to be a very reasonable counteroffer.
01:58No, I can't.
02:00I...
02:01You could just get...
02:02No.
02:07Go back to hell, you succubus demon.
02:09Is it too much to ask for her to hold the crucifix and just see if it burns?
02:13Oh, my...
02:13You know what?
02:13I've changed my mind.
02:15Did you move the table?
02:16Yes, you did, because that's my heart medication.
02:18What's it for?
02:19Growing a heart?
02:21You're such a baby.
02:22I'm the baby.
02:22You're the baby.
02:23You are being a baby.
02:24I'm not the...
02:25She's the baby.
02:29Dumbest house in NATO.
02:30Italy.
02:32Yeah, it's giving Peter Pan, but Britain literally has a feather in their cap.
02:35I'm supposed to take you serious.
02:36I like the feathers in the caps.
02:37Shut up, Gideon.
02:38That's not the stance we've taken.
02:39No, we had feathers.
02:41Uh, have you guys seen Shaw around?
02:42Yeah, the Cardinal has him working part-time, because he's still in denial about his retirement.
02:46Yeah, I really need to talk to him, because I haven't seen him since, um...
02:50Since the breakup?
02:52Girl, just saying.
02:53Okay.
02:54Since the breakup.
02:55I mean, between the divorce and the retirement, the man is having a well-earned midlife crisis.
03:00Mahalo!
03:01Who wants scratch-offs?
03:03There you go.
03:03Love that feather.
03:04What's up, pool bros?
03:06How you guys doing?
03:07Scratch-offs?
03:07Get your money.
03:08There we go.
03:09Scratch-offs.
03:10Oh, I didn't get any.
03:12Maggie?
03:14Abe?
03:15Actually, while I'm waiting for my DD-214, I've entered this new phase of my life called
03:19Freedom.
03:20So I'm going by A.B.
03:22It's a little nickname I'm trying out.
03:24Is that a soul patch?
03:25Mm-hmm.
03:25I love A.B.
03:26He's like a thousand times more awesome than the Major.
03:29Hey, Maggie, you should dump Gideon next.
03:32Maybe he'll finally be cool.
03:33I'd love that.
03:34Uh, look, Abe, uh, A.B., I've been thinking about it a lot, and I'm ready to talk, so
03:42maybe you guys could give us a...
03:43Yeah, you know what?
03:44We should leave these nice people to their drama.
03:47Hey, hey, hey, no need, no need, because there is no drama.
03:49We're copacetic.
03:50We are good.
03:51We're so good.
03:51We're all good.
03:52You're good.
03:53I'm good.
03:53You're good.
03:54What's up?
03:55What's up?
03:55Okay.
03:58Uh, what is happening?
04:01Because, you know, you've been retired for a week.
04:03Yeah, but when I do something, I go all in.
04:06I checked out, like, 40 books from the library all about the rules of freedom.
04:09I even watched the Matthew McConaughey Masterclass, and he helped me realize that everything
04:13is gonna be all right.
04:17All right.
04:18All right.
04:19All right.
04:20All right.
04:20Now you're getting it.
04:21Okay.
04:24Specialist Gideon, have you cleaned my battle tank before?
04:27No, but I'm excited.
04:28Okay, listen.
04:29The military uses a very highly toxic fluid, so don't let it get on your skin,
04:32because, well, I could kill you.
04:36Hey, wait a minute.
04:37Where's my tank?
04:38What?
04:39Where is it?
04:41Sir?
04:42The highly toxic fluid is melting my shoes.
04:44Shh.
04:45I'm trying to hear the alarm.
04:46Will you help me put my mask on?
04:47Too late for that.
04:48I gotta find my tank.
04:50Oh, man.
04:51That's going through fast.
04:53Where's my beautiful tank?
04:54Where is Rosalita?
04:56You mean my new compressed metal nightstand?
04:59You know what?
05:00Cube up everything I love.
05:01What about your people?
05:02Because I just found 200 fake handbags that I'm eager to talk to Sergeant Conway about,
05:06and I realized Corporal Papadakis has personal grooming that does not fit Army protocol,
05:12and I might have to take a razor to that head of his.
05:14Well, it's not really necessary.
05:16Papadakis believes that his mustache is a Samson situation.
05:18You know, like, his IT skills come from the 11 hairs on his lip.
05:22That's up to your father.
05:23You see, tomorrow, the NATO selection board is going to rubber stamp me as the new head of this base,
05:27and I'm going to have to make some really tough personnel decisions.
05:33Oh, they're taking it away?
05:35I need a compressed nightstand for the other side of my bed.
05:38Colonel, where is the Colonel?
05:42Hey.
05:42Hey.
05:43Listen, I have a plan.
05:45Are you making Molotov cocktails?
05:46Technically, they're not Molotov cocktails, unless you light them.
05:50And I am going to light them, so, yeah, technically, I guess they are.
05:54Okay, just, I was wrong.
05:55There is no meeting Martin in the middle.
05:58I am.
05:58So, if we want to take Stroopstorf back, we're going to have to fight fire with fire.
06:02Right.
06:03Metaphorical fire.
06:04Real fire is so much better.
06:04Dad, all I have asked of you since you've come to this base is to trust me.
06:10Okay, so can you do that for once?
06:12Can you just trust me?
06:13Okay.
06:14Okay.
06:14So, in Brussels, the NATO selection committee is meeting-
06:18It's everything I hate in one sentence.
06:21Okay, go ahead.
06:22While you were making Molotov cocktails, I was making manyards.
06:27Oh.
06:28Because if we can't beat them, you are going to join them.
06:36You know, it is such an honor to be in the running to lead NATO's newest base, even if I'm
06:41the only candidate.
06:43Actually, so, of this morning, there is another one.
06:47Maybe you knew him.
06:48I mean, I think I'm the perfect person to run your peacekeeping force, because I've used force to keep the
06:53peace for so long.
06:55What do you do when you hate peace?
06:57I love peace now.
06:57I've come around, because I realize how I can use it to destroy my enemies.
07:02Peace out.
07:09What I want to know is who selects the selection board, because you guys clean up great.
07:14You guys are looking awesome.
07:16This wasn't your father's idea, Major.
07:19You did this.
07:21Couldn't let you fire my friends.
07:23Well, when I get the job, it'll be bad for you, your buddies, and whatever yawn is to you.
07:29A work compatriot, who I've accidentally seen naked four times.
07:33Oh.
07:34And, uh, you have to get the job first.
07:39Look at him.
07:40He's already self-destructing.
07:42But look at the bright side.
07:43I mean, nuclear winter means more ice time for all the hockey players from Finland.
07:48You guys can take over the National Hockey League.
07:52Guys.
07:58Okay, party gang.
08:00A round of blues zombies to usher in your freedom.
08:02Yeah.
08:03Okay.
08:03Welcome to the good life.
08:05Mm.
08:06You know, these are kind of my thing now.
08:07Rum and food coloring, they look like Windex, but they taste, mm.
08:13Like Windex.
08:14It's gone very, very bad.
08:15But it doesn't matter, because I've got nothin ahead of me today, except...
08:19nothing.
08:20Hey, father.
08:21there you guys are there's like no time general martin is going to get rid of everybody on the
08:26base when she takes it over what so who is general martin but i have a plan just need your
08:30help of
08:31course ab you probably can't come because you'll be manifesting relaxation on a meditation app
08:37sam elliot voices a bear called sleepy boo that helps you take a nap in your mind
08:40fine yeah and uh for the rest of you i will walk you through the plan on the way there
08:44all right
08:45hey hey just curious have you fully thought up the logistics and possible variations of this plan
08:49why do you maybe want to join us for one last mission maybe on the day of my retirement
08:55if movies have taught me anything that's when i'm most likely to be shot so i'm in all right
09:03oh oh didn't look like you needed that i didn't and i have an immediate headache okay let's go
09:08okay uh hey yeah by step one of the plan uh-huh get rid of that uh too sexy no
09:20where have you been i've been pretending to be mr nice guy for like the last 45 minutes
09:24i was getting reinforcements
09:35all right team here's the plan so every candidate has been asked to give a presentation
09:41outlining how they would lead the new nato base babadakis i need your hacking skills
09:47war oh it's coming which is why we here at nato believe stroop store is essential
09:54to our um no um i did not use comic sans as a font
10:02okay this is my presentation but a lot sillier disrespectful just look at the content not the
10:08delivery who taught me conway the chairman loves wine so you need to get him something expensive and
10:17impossible to find chairman muller i hope you're a fan of beaujolais because if you are i've got a
10:23bottle so old jesus turned it into wine himself yeah fine i thank you the colonel is way less
10:31prepared so his presentation has to just be old war stories shah help him pick a winner
10:37do you know the two k's that's too angry how about the uh ied in the moped too problematic
10:42and angry why are my stories too angry i don't know maybe nature and nurture hey
10:47what about the hoodless gangsters oh that's a good one that's a good one yeah right so we're about
10:52to breach right and uh oh you hear all these insurgents yelling and screaming inside we knocked
10:58the door down guess what they're doing they're watching the sopranos finale
11:04thank you i had a 60 minute powerpoint and a recommendation letter written by butrus butrus
11:10golly on his deathbed but whatever well mags this was a great plan but i can't wait to get my
11:17base back so i never have to talk to these nato dorks ever again right yeah yeah he knows that
11:24if
11:24he gets the job he's gonna have to deal with them all the time yeah no i don't think he
11:27listened
11:27to my whole plan he's not a good listener well whether or not he's listening to me at least he's
11:32trusting me well finally he's got to trust someone right now that you're uh you're leaving
11:40i have an announcement to make the selection board is split so we are asking for a final statement
11:48from each candidate thank you follow me i'm a little drunk
12:03general martin we will start with your statement
12:08thank you chairman muller you all know me you know my work therefore i've decided to
12:15yield my time to someone who knows both myself and the colonel very well
12:24surprise witness we should crush more bureaucratic meetings are they all like this
12:30i'm general gerald davidson and as colonel quinn's ceo i have unique insights into his qualifications
12:37i'm sorry to say to the board that all of you have been duped duped by colonel quinn and his
12:45band of
12:46merry morons who have hacked and schemed their way into this selection process but you don't have to
12:52take it from me it's best you hear it directly from his soldiers sergeant conway corporal papadakis
12:59won't you join us okay okay hey everybody should have done with the fire bombing
13:09sergeant conway before colonel quinn came to strutsdorf you often used military resources to transport
13:17unauthorized items in violation of army code but colonel quinn put a stop to that correct
13:24the colonel is not aware of all of my operations okay that makes the colonel sound bad corporal
13:30papadakis has colonel quinn ever asked you to cut your hair uh yeah i once woke up in the middle
13:38of
13:38the night and he was hovering over me with scissors that i cried and he left me alone and what
13:45consequences did you face for your insubordination well one of the consequences of having hair like
13:50this is i can't online date because my inbox freaking crashes what's up north macedonia thank you you're
13:57both dismissed sorry the only officer of quality that i have ever seen associate with colonel quinn
14:05is major shaw who just abruptly retired major shaw did you do so for well thought out professional
14:11reasons no i did it for a woman sir
14:19there you have it colonel quinn poisons the best soldiers and protects the worst i rest my case
14:27thank you general that was very enlightening colonel are you prepared to make your statement
14:32yes as a matter of fact i am i have many things to say about general davidson but first i'm
14:39gonna
14:39need a translator who can say the word prostitute in 29 different nato languages chairman we're gonna
14:44need a moment with the colonel thank you do not take this date i want to go out in a
14:49blaze of glory
14:49metaphorically speaking because you wouldn't let me bring my molotov cocktail dad you are better than
14:54this i know that you've grown as a person since coming to strip store i know but my enemies are
15:00going to use that against me you think that caring is a weakness but it is a strength colonel quinn
15:05your statement okay
15:12general davidson is right all the soldiers at my base
15:17are useless as soldiers they're just too soft and i should relieve them but
15:25i'm not going to because i'm soft too that's what stroopstorf does to people it makes you
15:31soft it's a terrible terrible base you guys don't want this as a base the base has been decided we're
15:37not even talking about that thank you general malton but let him speak thank you chairman
15:43stroopstorf is terrible it's not centrally located i mean it doesn't have a working airfield
15:48if more than ten people take a shower at one time we run out of hot water all people do
15:53at
15:53stroopstorf is eat cheese and have feelings that's all they do i used to think that having feelings was
15:59a sign of weakness you know and now even i am finding myself having feelings and i'm eating cheese
16:06is this a nervous breakdown i think so what's wrong with me i'll tell you what's wrong with me
16:13stroopstorf
16:15it's taking away my edges that's why you don't want it it's gonna ruin nato it's gonna take away all
16:20the
16:21edges you guys are gonna be sitting around eating cheese and crying is that what you want no you
16:26don't you want bomb holder that's a real base what no bomb holder is my base bomb holder is a
16:34great
16:34base because this man is leading them you can tell he's a real general look at him two stars he
16:38knows what's going on and they got hot water for days unless you don't want a centrally located
16:44base in germany that's up to you guys what do you all in favor tabling stroopstorf and considering
16:53bomb holder
16:57yes
17:05well played quince it's nice to win i know because i always do did you win because it looks like
17:12i just
17:12got a bigger better base well it looks like maybe you owe me one you know it's uh too bad
17:28you're loving
17:29retirement because you were great out there today it was mostly it was mostly it was mostly you but
17:35we make a very good team we do
17:41can i be honest yes i'm not that into freedom of retirement right i like purpose structure a clean
17:48chin i'm thinking about sticking around sticking around stroopstorf i got everything i need here
17:57it's where i'm happiest it's where everyone i care about is i'm sorry i'm sorry that i ran away and
18:06i
18:06got scared and look i was moving way too fast i mean i literally got divorced retired and then fell
18:11in
18:11love in like a month i could say i could scare a person right yeah
18:17you know i'm still really i'd like to see if this could work
18:24yeah me too
18:28great great great great yeah we'll just take it slow and start from the beginning
18:37that's a good idea yeah hey i'm abe hi i'm maggie can i get you a drink yeah just uh
18:48surprise me
18:54oh look it's our returning best sexy man
19:01now i get my ball hero kiss no no no so you had your chance to leave the base and
19:08you biffed it
19:09well actually it's the second time because last year when i was blackmailing davidson he offered me a
19:14transfer and i turned him down why well because of you and it's not what you think i felt obligated
19:21because you were such a mess last year at this time you were a gigantic mess
19:24uh-huh you're getting soft hey oh thank you
19:29you're welcome that's great i think we need to make a toast for our favorite water
19:33okay here is tube's tube store
19:40is that papadakis do i look like a real soldier now
19:48oh
19:50you guys don't like it oh
19:54what have i done
19:59papadakis has been in there for so long
20:02do you think he's gonna be okay i don't know the man who cut his hair was a butcher
20:06oh finally oh jan
20:09did you fix it
20:10i tried but honestly i've never seen anything like that
20:13the length of the hair just accentuated his obvious lack of jawline
20:17the layers were just chaotic and cruel and you could have sent him to the hague because that
20:22middle part was a war crime well you have to do something i have to work with him did anybody
20:27think about me i cannot stare at that monstrosity every single day i did what i could
20:33say
20:34the rest
20:35we must live up to god
20:37yeah
20:38did you guys like it
20:40oh
20:41looks better though right
20:45i'm a monster
20:47why did i let the army bully me into short hair
20:50yeah scraps okay we know we all hate it
20:53we don't know that's for sure what he said
20:57well i heard it that time
21:00Tiffany
21:00any
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