- 7 hours ago
Mark Vigeant: The Best Man Show
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00:13Danny, Danny, dude, dude, you gotta pick up the phone bro, Danny, Danny, dude, no, dude,
00:18you need to hear what just happened at Charles' wedding, bro, it was even crazier than we
00:23expected, huh, no, dude, he didn't get a divorce, remember, this was like a, like
00:29a second wedding, like a polyamorous thruple thing, bro, and I just gotta decompress for
00:36a second before I give my speech, dude, dude, this whole ceremony was this like new moon
00:43circle slash sound bath meditation, hoo-ha to fucking plant seeds, I'm not even kidding
00:51you bro, they literally gave us cups of soil that we had to plant eucalyptus in, all three
00:57of them wore three rings each, it was a literal circus up there, each ring had some kind of
01:05protective crystal in it, I was like, what the fuck are they elves, dude, this whole thing
01:10is taking place in this like warehouse next to a highway that looks like a fucking circus
01:16tent, god, like, where are you supposed to park around here, dude, and I'm not even kidding
01:21you bro, every single person here is gay, poly, and self-employed, I'm serious, this whole
01:28thing is turning me into a republican, dude, and they fucking staged the space, I nearly
01:34passed out, what even is sage poison, imagine my parents right now, they're livid, bro, dude,
01:44Kristen is here, Ella is here, it's like, yeah, of course they said no kids, but what was I
01:49supposed to do, hire a babysitter back in New York, god, no, what am I supposed to tell
01:53my daughter about all this, that her uncle's a psychopath, who are all these people, dude,
02:01I'm telling you, all these LA hippie people smell like shit, I'm serious, natural deodorant
02:08doesn't work, people, no, they can't hear me, I am whispering, plus some mustache is playing
02:15piano right now, it's just, I just feel like Charles doesn't really trust me after what
02:25happened at his first wedding, no, dude, I didn't even do anything weird, okay, no, I
02:31drank the normal wedding amount, I just, you know, I got a little loud, we had a convo
02:42about it, so, I just feel like I, feel like I really gotta blow them away tonight, you
02:48know, no, I'm not nervous, I'm the king of this shit, I'm gonna crush this, this is a
02:55room that's full of people who are dying for a best man speech, all right, dude, yeah,
03:01I'll call you when I'm back in New York, all right, yeah, thanks, bro, bro, ew, dude, we
03:05don't say that to each other, okay, goodbye, goodbye, um, sorry, I'm just gonna go back
03:15to my seat, sorry, sorry, sorry, oh, I was sitting here, is that, it's okay, you don't
03:23have to, can we just, like, share it, just real quick, yeah, just, I'll just, just right
03:30here, it's fine, do you like this song, I love it, you love it, it's my favorite, it's
03:39your favorite song, for real, no, do you know what the song's called, I think it's Claire
03:49DeLune, okay, sick, yeah, you know, I don't know this shit, dude, I only listen to Tool,
03:56oh, this is my favorite part, the end, oh, man, fuck yeah, there he goes, all right,
04:15we don't have to clap, we don't have to clap so much of this, all right, dude, hell yeah,
04:18it's okay, all right, I'm just gonna go, like, talk to people, it's cool, are those Warby's
04:21brother, no, okay, no follow-up, nice crotch, yeah, no, same, brother, how is this for
04:33you, is this cool, it's fine, yeah, sick, all right, nice, that's it, that's all, have
04:39you been to a poly thing like this before, I haven't, you haven't, yeah, so, what was
04:43your favorite part, the vows, yeah, the vows, they were crazy, because they had the part
04:49where they spoke to each other, yeah, sick, you've done this before, are you into the
05:00whole poly thing, yeah, how big is it, maybe like four or five, how do you not know, all
05:08right, sick, hell yeah, did you hike here, or did you take the unicycle, I took the unicycle,
05:14was it your first time, or, first time taking it to a wedding, yeah, okay, what did you
05:21take one to earlier, just work, and what do you do again, I'm a clown, yeah, clowns take
05:29unicycles to work, we all know that, did you like the part where they spoke in Elvish, I
05:35loved it, you loved it, yeah, do you speak Elvish, a little bit, what's your favorite Elvish
05:39word, and what does that mean, wow, there's no way to fact check you, hell yeah, are you
06:00guys into the whole poly thing, I assume you're together, sure, we're researching, sick, love
06:09the vibe over here, did you guys charge your crystals for this, yeah, okay, which ones, like
06:14amethyst, sick, do you know your sun, moon, and rising, I don't, sick, that's awesome, oh,
06:24Jim, it's almost time for me to get my speech, that's right, now please drag your attention
06:36to the dance floor, where the group's brother Paul is about to give the best man speech,
06:42everybody, what's up everybody, it's your boy Paul, Big Dog Rose, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
07:13where my little doggies at, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I know half of you half as
07:22well as I'd like, and I'd like, like, half, and then less than half of you more than half
07:26as well as I'd like to deserve.
07:33So.
07:36Wow.
07:37Let's give it up for my amazing brother,
07:40Charles, everybody.
07:42Oh, my God.
07:44Wow.
07:46My baby brother, Charles.
07:49Okay, you can stop.
07:51You can stop.
07:52Honestly, it's too much.
07:53Dude, Charles,
07:54you remember when you were 13
07:55and I snuck you out of school
07:57to bring you down
07:58to your first improv show downtown?
07:59Dude, mom and dad,
08:01we're so pissed,
08:02but like it doesn't matter
08:03because look at you now, bro.
08:05An artist in L.A.
08:07An aspiring artist in L.A.
08:12And I'm just some fucking engineer in New York.
08:20Charles, man.
08:22I love you, bro.
08:23There, I said it.
08:24Okay.
08:29I'm honestly getting a little emotion right now,
08:30not even going to lie.
08:32Dude, Charles, man.
08:34Charles is an entertainer, you know?
08:36He's a golden child, you know?
08:38He's a professional improv coach, you know?
08:41What would this speech be without a few laughs?
08:43Am I right?
08:44Huh?
08:44Come on.
08:46Yeah, let's turn this toast
08:47into a little bit more of a roast.
08:50Am I right?
08:53Dude, you guys might recognize me
08:55because I look like Charles.
08:57I sound like Charles,
08:59but I have a little bit more hair.
09:01Even though I'm five years older
09:02and everybody's like,
09:03are you older?
09:04Are you younger?
09:04Are you guys twins?
09:05Are you guys the same age?
09:05Are you guys identical to him?
09:06I was like, what the fuck is that?
09:07I'm older, but I'm more handsome.
09:17While Charles might not have
09:18a ton of hair on his head,
09:19he has a dense rainforest
09:21on his ass.
09:23Seriously.
09:24Seriously, dude.
09:25It is the hairiest butt
09:26I've ever seen in my life
09:27and I was in five different fraternities
09:28in college.
09:30Not all at the same time.
09:31I got behavior stuff.
09:34Just know that when you pants
09:35to this guy,
09:36yeah, you'll be staring
09:37at a shag carpet, okay?
09:40Just know that when this guy
09:41gets the hair plug surgery, LA,
09:43yeah, you'll be staring
09:44at some butt pubes.
09:47What?
09:49That's what they're called.
09:55So.
09:59As you guys probably know,
10:01my brother Charles
10:02can't really hold his alcohol.
10:04It's true, bro.
10:05It's true, dude.
10:05You know what I'm about to say, bro.
10:06You know what I'm about to say.
10:08Easter 2019.
10:09Yeah, he pissed in all the eggs.
10:13Yeah.
10:13He might not remember it that well,
10:15but my daughter Ella
10:16certainly still does.
10:17Don't eat those jelly beans, sweetie.
10:19They're kidney stones.
10:22Dude, what a weird malady
10:24to have at such a young age,
10:25you know?
10:26And that was after, what,
10:27two, three beers?
10:28God, what a lightweight, huh?
10:30Is that why you're sober?
10:33He's sober.
10:35We all know he's sober
10:36because he hit that kid
10:37with his car.
10:40What?
10:42The kid pulled through.
10:46We wrote a card.
10:54But is it really sobriety, you guys?
10:56Is it really sobriety
10:58if he's still smoking that ganya?
11:00You know what I'm talking about?
11:01Yes, you are, bro.
11:02Yes, you are, dude.
11:03Nobody who's actually sober
11:04eats at Taco Bell
11:05more than twice a year.
11:17Mom originally bought this guy
11:19girls' clothes
11:19because the doctor said
11:21his penis was so small
11:22they couldn't find it.
11:24It's not a joke,
11:25just a fact.
11:27Let's give it up
11:27for my amazing sister-in-law,
11:31Paige, everybody.
11:32Wow.
11:36Wow, Paige.
11:37Paige, dude.
11:38Charles and Paige
11:39make an amazing couple.
11:41Do they not?
11:41They really do.
11:43They do.
11:43They do.
11:45Yeah.
11:46Yeah, which is why
11:47we're all so surprised
11:48they're adding a third
11:49to the mix.
11:51Seriously, seriously.
11:52Paige, you have this
11:53brilliant mind.
11:54You're able to articulate
11:56complicated emotions
11:57with just one or two words
11:59at a time.
12:00How would you describe
12:01this momentous occasion
12:03shifting from a decade
12:04of monogamy
12:05with my brother
12:05to polyamory?
12:08Oh, lustful.
12:10Lustful.
12:11Yeah, I get that here.
12:14Speaking of lustful,
12:15let's give it up
12:16for that spicy newcomer,
12:18Carrie, everybody.
12:19Wow.
12:21Carrie, you're going to have
12:22to figure that out.
12:25Yeah, Carrie,
12:26you really spice things up
12:27in there.
12:28Can you fix my marriage?
12:30Ooh, just give me a chance.
12:31Oh, wow.
12:34Meow.
12:34Okay, okay, Charles,
12:35you don't have to say anything, bro.
12:36I see what you're saying, bro.
12:38Boundaries.
12:40This is a word
12:42that he keeps saying to me.
12:45So my baby brother's
12:47getting married.
12:48Again!
12:50Well, this isn't really
12:51a marriage, right?
12:52This is a poly-commitment-schmageggy,
12:55a permanent threesome.
12:57Hot!
12:58Who doesn't want that?
13:01Hello?
13:01It's okay to laugh, people, okay?
13:04I know that we're in a
13:05sweltering warehouse
13:06on a fucking Monday night,
13:08but come on, guys!
13:10Let's lighten up, yo!
13:12Charles and I,
13:12we can laugh about this kind of...
13:13Yeah, we're buds.
13:14We're bests.
13:16We're bests.
13:17Yeah, pound your elbow
13:18to my hand.
13:19Yeah.
13:21That's like the normal thing we do.
13:23Yeah, dude.
13:24Charles and I
13:25weren't always like this.
13:26Yeah, back when we were a little, uh...
13:28Yeah, I used to, uh,
13:29bully him a little bit.
13:30Guilty!
13:31Okay, you know,
13:32give him a noogie here and there.
13:33You know?
13:34Shoot him with the old Nerf gun.
13:36You know?
13:37Boy stuff.
13:38I used to be able to make this guy
13:39hide in the closet
13:40just by walking like this.
13:44You remember?
13:45You remember?
13:45Look, yeah, look,
13:45he's scared.
13:46Yep.
13:48Yeah, back in the day,
13:49Charles and his friends
13:50really knew who the big dog was.
13:57But, uh,
13:58Charles went to therapy
13:59and figured that all out
14:00and we're friends now, so...
14:02Oh, my God!
14:03It's fucking Andrew, dude!
14:05Holy shit, dude!
14:06It's fucking Andrew, dude!
14:08Put that on...
14:09Oh, my God, dude!
14:09We're gonna do that high-five
14:10we always do, brother!
14:11Here we go!
14:12Ooh!
14:13Ah!
14:13Ah!
14:14Ow!
14:14Ow!
14:15Ow!
14:15Ow!
14:16Ow!
14:16Yeah, I'm taking it
14:17in the microphone!
14:17Ow!
14:20Ow!
14:26Yeah, yeah!
14:27Hit me!
14:27Hit me!
14:28Hit me!
14:29Hit me!
14:30Ah!
14:31Ah!
14:32Do you consent to this?
14:33Yes.
14:34Ah!
14:36Ah!
14:41Ah!
14:42Ah!
14:43Ah!
14:43Ah!
14:44Ah!
14:44Ah!
14:44Ah!
14:52Andrew, dude
14:56We'll do that again
14:58Oh my god, dude
15:00If you guys don't know who Andrew is
15:02Andrew is my favorite of Charles' friends
15:04No offense, weird hippies, I don't know
15:07Andrew has my back no matter what I do or say
15:11Yeah, yeah
15:12Yeah, hell yeah
15:13He laughs at everything I say
15:16Yeah
15:19And Andrew doesn't speak often, right?
15:21But when he does have something to say
15:23It'll always knock you on your ass
15:30Congratulations
15:30Oh my god, dude
15:34That's some classic Andrew shit right there, dude
15:38Simple
15:39Like, is he joking?
15:42Like, oh my god
15:43Like, keeping us wondering
15:44You know what I'm saying, dude?
15:46Andrew, I will literally celebrate anything you say into this microphone
15:49Please do not make me regret giving you that power
16:00Okay
16:01Okay
16:02Uh
16:08So
16:13Oh my god
16:13We have a surprise for you guys
16:15Oh my god, yeah
16:16Okay
16:16So, um
16:17This was supposed to happen last night at the rehearsal dinner
16:20But
16:20That ended up being a three-hour silent meditation in the dark with no food
16:27So
16:28Glad I brought my daughter to that
16:29So, uh
16:31Some promises were made
16:32And we're gonna do it now
16:33Okay
16:33So, um
16:34Charles
16:34And Paige
16:35And Carrie now, too
16:37Uh
16:37They have this cat named Mookie
17:03And my daughter loves this animal
17:09And obviously
17:09Mookie couldn't be here
17:11For the 12-hour multi-speech ceremony today
17:14So, uh
17:14She wanted to share something in honor of Mookie
17:18Tonight
17:18And now's your moment, sweetie
17:20Ella?
17:22Yeah?
17:23Where are you, sweetie?
17:26Yeah, it's my daughter, Ella
17:27Come on up here, sweetheart
17:29Wow
17:32Instant
17:34Instant
17:34Can I give you a hug?
17:36Yes
17:36Yeah, come here, sweetheart
17:37Oh my god, this is my
17:39Uh, you just turned
17:41Seven
17:41Ten
17:42Okay
17:43And, uh
17:44Ella's favorite animal in all the world is
17:46Mookie
17:46Mookie
17:47Very close
17:50And, uh
17:51In school, you've been learning all about
17:53Africa
17:53Poetry
17:56Cool
17:58And so, as a family
17:59We've actually been reading this, uh
18:01Book
18:01We've been actually reading this book
18:02As a family
18:03Um
18:05Sweetheart, did you
18:05Did you bring the book?
18:06Sorry, here
18:07You're gonna have to put that up
18:09Did you bring the book?
18:10I forgot it
18:11You forgot it?
18:12Yeah
18:12But you said you were gonna bring it
18:14I'm sorry
18:15Wait, wait
18:15Sorry is not enough?
18:16This is your daughter's big moment
18:17I didn't
18:18Where'd we leave it?
18:19What do you mean
18:19Where'd we leave it?
18:20It's your job
18:22Everything's my job now?
18:23Just this
18:24Do you see
18:25Do you see the sweat
18:26On my face?
18:27I can't do this with you right now
18:28I can't
18:28I can't
18:29I can't do this
18:30In front of you
18:31In front of you
18:32In front of you
18:33In front of you
18:33In front of you
18:33In front of you
18:34You want me to do this?
18:36You want me to do this?
18:36No, no, no, you
18:37No, you
18:37Dr. Rosen says you need to respect
18:39Okay, don't talk about
18:42Do not mention that man
18:43We don't talk about Dr. Rosen
18:45Okay, that's my lovely wife Kristen, everybody
18:47Don't clap
18:47Don't clap
18:49She gets enough of that at work
18:51She's a first responder
18:52Okay
18:54So, we're going to do it without the book
18:57I'll just describe the book
18:59The book is
18:59We've been reading this book as a family
19:00It's called
19:01Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats
19:03By T.S. Eliot
19:04Who's a famous British person
19:06Yeah, and
19:08This is a collection of cat poems
19:10And because Ella loves Mucky
19:12And she loves poetry
19:13She decided to write a poem
19:15In the style of T.S. Eliot
19:17All about Mucky
19:21Now
19:23In this book
19:25Every cat has a job
19:27Mr. Mistoffelees
19:29Is a conjurer
19:32Skimble Shanks
19:33Is a railway cat
19:37So, Ella decided that Mucky would be a
19:41Journalist
19:44Did you say Mucky?
19:46Okay
19:47She's ten
19:48Yeah, no, it's true
19:50And so
19:51Because he's so curious
19:53Okay, and now he's gonna
19:54She's gonna share this poem
19:55With everybody right now
19:56So, babe
19:56This is your moment
19:57Oh, no
19:58I'm so nervous, Gabby
19:59That's okay, sweetheart
20:02You're okay
20:02You're gonna be great
20:03I'm just gonna
20:04Kneel over here
20:05Next to my brother
20:07Okay
20:08Ready?
20:09This is
20:09This is Mucky
20:11Looky, looky
20:12Into the microphone, sweetheart
20:13Oh, sorry, Daddy
20:19I'm her daddy
20:21I am her daddy
20:24Looky, looky
20:25It's cute, fluffy Mucky
20:27He's not a cop, a robber, a dog, or a bookie
20:31So, sit a moment
20:33I'm so sorry
20:33Can we pause real quick?
20:34Yes
20:34You're doing so well, babe
20:35You're doing so well
20:36Didn't you want to sing this?
20:37Oh, no
20:38Oh, you did
20:39You did, actually
20:40You did want to sing this
20:41That's why you got on your feet so quickly
20:43Okay
20:45I don't know if you guys knew this
20:47But Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber
20:48Who's a famous British person
20:49He actually adapted this book
20:51Into an award-winning 2019 film
20:53Called Cats the Musical
20:57My daughter thinks that
20:58That's objectively
20:59Sir Ian McKellen's best work
21:00And
21:01She wanted to sing this poem
21:03Like the sexy cats from that film
21:06Okay, so can we do
21:07Your vocal warm-up, sweetheart?
21:10I'm not sure
21:14Perfect
21:14Perfect
21:16Perfect
21:17Perfect
21:19And can we get the videographer?
21:20Can we get close on this?
21:21This is important
21:22Okay
21:22We'll take it from the top
21:23And we'll get the music
21:24Just as we rehearsed it
21:25All the way from the top
21:26It's not even that long
21:27Okay
21:28Here we go, sweetheart
21:28Okay
21:29DJ Sam
21:29Can we start it with the track, please?
21:36Looky, looky
21:37It's cute, fluffy, mooky
21:39It's not a cop
21:41A robber
21:42A dog
21:44So sit a moment
21:45And remove your hat
21:47And read about the
21:49Fighting
21:49Can I be
21:51Can we pause real quick?
21:51Can we pause the music?
21:52I'm sorry
21:53No, no, no
21:54You're doing so well
21:55You're doing those
21:56Where's the costume, sweetheart?
21:59You forgot
22:00No, yeah, right
22:00It's in your backpack
22:01Right
22:02What's your favorite color again?
22:04Pink
22:04All of them
22:05Is there a
22:06Rainbow
22:07Inspired
22:08Like Lisa Frank
22:09As backpack
22:10Can you pass that up to the front?
22:11Yes, please
22:11Just go ahead and pass it
22:12Yeah, okay, yeah
22:13You're great, great
22:13Thank you so much
22:14Okay, yeah
22:15Just go ahead
22:15I'm sorry
22:17Just go ahead
22:17And put your costume on, sweetheart
22:18It's some
22:19Your mother spent a lot of money on this
22:21Yeah, she did
22:22There's a big piece
22:23And then there's
22:23Yeah, no
22:24Well, you decided
22:25You wanted to do this
22:28You volunteered so fast
22:29No one's ever volunteered
22:30That fast before
22:33Sorry
22:33Sorry
22:34This is turning into a whole thing, everybody
22:36This was Kristen's idea
22:38Yes, it was
22:39It was your idea
22:40Don't
22:41No
22:41It was your idea
22:42I never wanted her to do this
22:44Yes, you did
22:45You said
22:45No, I said she can do it as she wants
22:47Yeah, but she
22:47No, but I'm pushing her
22:48Because I want her to succeed
22:50Well, okay
22:51You know a lot about success
22:52Oh, yeah
22:53Well, I
22:56Kristen
22:57I know a lot
22:58I watch a lot of successful people
23:00And study them on Reddit
23:01Well, yeah
23:02And I'm sure they're all doing
23:03Just as well as you are
23:04Okay
23:04Well, Kristen
23:05I happen to be writing
23:07A very big application
23:09That's going out on Monday
23:10How can you write if you can't read?
23:12Okay
23:14Okay
23:15Easy shot
23:15I haven't read a book in 15 years
23:18Okay
23:23Let's take it from the fold part
23:25Okay
23:26Okay, and what I want you to do
23:27Here, you can actually hold the microphone
23:29In the other hand
23:29And let's see that choreography
23:31That you've been working on
23:32Oh, yeah
23:32And, um, um, um
23:34Yeah, yeah, yeah
23:35Ashley, could we just actually get, like, big
23:37Can you make this big?
23:39You know what I mean?
23:39Like, um
23:39Like Avengers
23:40Like Christopher Nolan
23:42You know what I'm saying?
23:42Yeah
23:42Okay, okay, perfect
23:44Okay, okay, perfect
23:45All right
23:46DJ Sam from the big part
23:47Please, thank you
23:51But that's not all
23:52He's a monster
23:53He's a killer
23:54He slices
23:56He screams
23:57He's a terror
23:58The bringer of death and blood
24:01Who can a cat sitter even escape?
24:04He will hurt you
24:05He will terrorize you
24:09The bringer of death and blood
24:11Whom a cat sitter wants
24:13And a hunt
24:14And a burn
24:15And a daunt
24:16And a kill you
24:16He will die
24:17You will die
24:19He has the claws
24:21Of the furry cat
24:22Ah!
24:24Yeah!
24:26The cute, fluffy monkey!
24:33Wow
24:36Let's give it up one more time
24:37For my daughter, Ella, everybody
24:40All right
24:41Um
24:42You can do that
24:43You can
24:43You can just take this that way
24:45And just, yeah
24:45Okay, sweetheart
24:46Yeah, let Uncle Steve
24:47Take care of you over there
24:48Okay
24:49Great, wow
24:50Wow
24:52Am I right?
24:52My baby daughter, huh?
24:54Wow
24:56Ella
24:57She gave up with that choreography herself
24:59Okay
24:59Uh
25:00Wow
25:01As you guys probably noticed
25:03There's a videographer here
25:05Uh
25:06Yeah
25:06That's my gift to you, Charles
25:08Okay
25:09That was supposed to be a secret
25:11Uh
25:12That's why I didn't get them to come until
25:14Now
25:14Uh
25:20Which means we did forget to get the
25:22Uh
25:22Ceremony
25:23But
25:27But, you know
25:27Who wants to watch that again anyway?
25:29You know what I mean?
25:30Like, that's
25:30It's like
25:31It was great
25:32But you didn't
25:32You just got
25:33You had to kind of be there
25:34You know what I mean?
25:35But this
25:36This is the real show
25:38Okay
25:38This is the thing you want to see
25:39Over and over and over again
25:41And uh
25:42Tell people about it
25:43And if you write something about it publicly online
25:45Please be nice to me
25:46I worked so hard
25:47Okay
25:48Yeah
25:49Okay
25:50That's
25:51This is
25:51This is what we want to rewatch
25:53Um
25:54Paige
25:54You've got that
25:56Exciting
25:56Incredible
25:57High level mind
25:59You're able to
25:59Articulate these
26:00Complicated things
26:02Poetically
26:03Um
26:03Your cat Mookie
26:04You know
26:05Is kind of polarizing
26:06You know
26:06He could be fluffy
26:07He could be really evil sometimes
26:09How would you describe the temperament of your cat?
26:11Oh
26:12Debatable
26:13Debatable
26:14Yeah
26:15Debatable
26:16What a
26:16Perfect word
26:18I feel like I'm
26:19I'm like
26:19Hanging out with Charles Dickens
26:21Debatable
26:22Um
26:23Carrie
26:23Um
26:24You know
26:24Mookie can be a little tough to newcomers
26:26And you're new of course
26:28Um
26:28Has there been a problem with you
26:30Or do you like it, Ruff?
26:31Ooh
26:31I can make anything per
26:32Oh
26:33My
26:34God
26:36Wow
26:37I like this woman
26:39Okay
26:39Okay
26:39Charles
26:40Okay
26:40Charles
26:40Charles
26:41You don't have to say anything bro
26:42You don't have to say anything bro
26:43I know what you're thinking bro
26:44I know what you're thinking
26:45You're thinking
26:45Move it along Paul
26:46Get to the good part
26:47Okay
26:47I've been on stage for literally two minutes
26:49Okay
26:50Seriously
26:51I can see
26:52I have the clock
26:52Don't look
26:53There's been two minutes
26:53Okay
26:54And that was
26:55Ella's thing
26:55That wasn't my thing
26:57You gotta give me a chance
26:57To do my thing
26:59My thing
27:01Me too
27:12Okay
27:12I forgot the words
27:13Of what comes next
27:14But that's okay
27:16I'm not really a performer
27:18I'm an engineer
27:20An engineer who can't read
27:23Okay
27:25English
27:25Okay
27:26So that's fine
27:27I'm just gonna consult the notes
27:30Real quick
28:02Okay
28:03Great
28:05You might recognize me
28:06Because I look like Charles
28:07I sound like Charles
28:08But I have a little bit more hair
28:11Did I say that part already?
28:13Oh I did
28:14Okay
28:14Okay
28:15Let's sit here
28:17Oh Charles has a micropenis
28:18According to the doctor
28:22I said that
28:27You know what
28:29It's time to throw away the words
28:32Speak from the heart
28:34It's okay
28:34This is when speeches
28:35Usually get good
28:38Speak from the heart
28:48Oh my god
28:49Look at all these gifts
28:50Here we go
28:59Wow
29:00Some cool stuff here
29:01I wonder what all this stuff is
29:05Oh
29:06Okay
29:08Somebody might not want to
29:09Shake that one
29:10That sounds expensive
29:13Sick here
29:14It's cool
29:15Cool stuff
29:16It's pretty cool
29:18Oh
29:23Somebody should clean that up
29:28No
29:32Oh my god dude
29:33Oh my god
29:34Are you kidding me?
29:35I recognize this
29:36Handwriting anywhere
29:38You got a letter from
29:39Mrs. Kramer bro
29:40Oh my god
29:41Dude
29:42She was my favorite teacher
29:43In high school
29:44Dude
29:44She always used to say
29:45I was the funniest student
29:46She's ever had
29:47Dude
29:47Let's read this together
29:49Oh my god
29:50Yes
29:50Mrs. Kramer
29:51Saving the day again
29:54Fuck this mic stand though
29:59Oh my god
30:06Get in there
30:36Oh my god
30:36Oh my god
30:43It's okay
30:44There we go dude
30:52Get up
30:52Get up
30:53Get up
31:15We're gonna do it without a mic stand
31:18Oh
31:20Oh
31:23He owes me
31:26I'm still paying for Xbox Live
31:32Dear Charles
31:34Congratulations on this beautiful occasion
31:37Yada yada yada
31:39I'm so thrilled for you
31:41Even when you were young
31:42I knew you were a trailblazer
31:47It must have been so tough
31:49Following the huge
31:50Dominating personalities
31:52In your family
31:53You know who I'm talking about
31:57But you really stood
31:58Head and shoulders
31:59Above the crowd
32:00You're the funniest student
32:02I ever had
32:02In my decades of teaching
32:03Okay no
32:11I used to be the creative one
32:13In the family
32:16But no one said that
32:17Ever since Charles came along
32:19Isn't that right
32:20Daaaad
32:22That's right
32:23Charles and my father
32:24Paul Sr. everybody
32:25Don't clap
32:26Don't clap
32:27He gets enough of that
32:28On Veterans Day
32:31If you guys
32:32If you guys think
32:32My brother Charles
32:33Is such a creative genius
32:34Which he is
32:35You should hear
32:36My screenplay idea
32:37Okay
32:37It's okay
32:38Imagine
32:38If they made a
32:39Marvel Cinematic Universe
32:41But about
32:41Okay
32:43How about that
32:44Toes
32:45Now
32:45On to your
32:46Ride
32:46No no no no no no
32:48No no no no
32:49No
32:50I'm not done yet
32:52I don't know when
32:53I'll be done
32:53But I know
32:54I don't know
32:54What it feels like
32:54To be done
32:55And I don't feel
32:55That way yet
32:56So F off
32:56DJ
32:57Shit
33:01I don't get paid enough
33:06Charles
33:07Charles dude
33:08I'm not
33:09I'm not being rude
33:10To the DJ bro
33:11He's trying to cut me off
33:14What are you trying to
33:16Impose some kind of
33:17Rules on me right now
33:18What is your
33:19One of your pacifist friends
33:20Gonna yank me off the stage
33:22With a cane
33:23According to you
33:24There are no rules
33:25Yeah
33:26You can just have
33:27Two wives
33:28And not a real job
33:30And flit about
33:31On the wind
33:31Calling yourself sober
33:33But still smoke that
33:34Pot of Juana
33:36Yes you do bro
33:37Dude
33:37It's cool
33:38I can joke about this
33:39Don't get so sensitive
33:40Bro
33:41I'm just kidding
33:41Dude
33:42I'm just kidding
33:46How bad do you want me
33:47To get off the stage
33:48Right now baby bro
33:49You don't have to say anything
33:52Cause I know how you feel
33:55But she gets
33:57Who has the microphone
34:01And I'm not drunk
34:03Okay
34:04If you were wondering
34:06If I was drunk
34:09I'm not gonna ruin your wedding
34:11And hijack the first dance
34:13And do a bunch of
34:14Interpretive dance
34:15And then collapse in the floor
34:17In the fetal position
34:18Crying
34:18God I did that one time
34:20I did that one time
34:21And you forget everything
34:22I've ever done for you
34:25Who calmed mom down
34:27Before this circus
34:31Our own mother Charles
34:33Mama stop crying mama
34:36Mama
34:39Mama stop crying mama
34:42It's getting louder mama
34:46And she's getting frantic
34:49And now she's doing
34:51That crazy yodel cry
34:52She does
34:59And now she's doing
35:01That crazy pirate cry
35:02She does
35:05And now she's doing
35:07That like freestyle
35:08Your choice kind of cry
35:13Our own mother Charles
35:16Our mother
35:22She wants to support you
35:24But she doesn't get
35:25The whole poly thing
35:26And dad
35:28He hasn't been sleeping
35:30But you
35:31You live in fancy L.A. city
35:34With your fancy time difference
35:37But me
35:38I live down the street
35:39From these two
35:40Who are sitting
35:40An awkward distance apart
35:44So I've had to do
35:45What I always do
35:46Go to bat for you
35:47Stand up for you
35:48I put up with their
35:49Confusion and rage
35:50So that you can remain
35:51A member of this family
35:53Whatever happened to
35:54Honor thy father
35:55And thy mother
35:56Broseph
35:59This man went to
36:00Desert Storm
36:04As you can see
36:07Dad I can see
36:08You're furious right now
36:10Yes
36:13When he's furious
36:15He's extremely literal
36:18Charles stay out of this
36:19No
36:20Dad
36:21Charles
36:22Dad
36:23Yes
36:24Charles
36:25No
36:45I'm still toasting
36:54I'm still toasting
36:55I'm sorry
36:57I know this is a celebration
36:59Of love
37:00And all that
37:05Wait a minute
37:06You know what
37:07I'm not sorry
37:10Because I'm showing you
37:11What real love
37:12Looks like
37:13Yeah
37:13Charles
37:14You moved away
37:15And you never call
37:17And then one day
37:18An invite showed up
37:19On our door
37:20And we came
37:20No questions asked
37:22That's love
37:22Love is commitment
37:26I used all my
37:27Frequent flyer miles
37:27And credit card points
37:28To be here
37:30Me and Kristen
37:31Took four vacation days
37:32Each
37:34We're staying
37:34At an Airbnb
37:35In Frogtown
37:37Because my daughter
37:38Loves frogs
37:39And we haven't seen
37:40A single amphibian
37:41The whole time
37:41We've been here
37:42And I don't give a shit
37:43About any of that shit
37:44Because all I care about
37:45Is crudging dead speech
37:47Love conquers
37:48All my ass
37:49My significantly
37:51Less hairy
37:52Ass
37:57Bad man up there
37:59Spitting truth
38:02No
38:05I'm the best man
38:11You guys are so cute
38:13Seriously
38:14You're really cute together
38:16You are
38:18But let's call it
38:19What it is
38:19You three
38:21Adultery
38:22It is
38:24You're flaunting
38:25Your infidelity
38:26Trying to make me
38:27Feel weird
38:28For being loyal
38:29To my wife
38:30Don't you think
38:31I want to fuck
38:32Whoever I want
38:32But I don't
38:35Where's my reward
38:36Me and Kristen
38:37Barely ever have sex
38:39And to be clear
38:39That's totally fine
38:41That's fine
38:41Nobody's having sex
38:42Okay
38:43There's studies about it
38:44Raise your hand
38:44If you have sex
38:45More than once a month
38:47No mama
38:50Liar
38:50Liar
38:51Liar
38:52Liar
38:52Liar
38:53Liar
38:54Well maybe not you
38:56Kristen seriously
38:57Spent so long
38:58When's the last time
39:00We had sex
39:01Before COVID
39:02Before
39:05Before COVID
39:09Do you remember
39:10The occasion
39:11COVID
39:15That's right
39:16That's right
39:17The second
39:18That we were on
39:19Twitter at the time
39:20And then the second
39:21That the numbers hit
39:22The second the numbers hit
39:24You finished
39:24Yeah
39:26Then I came
39:28See okay
39:29That's my sex life
39:30Okay
39:30That's what
39:31That's
39:31But you know
39:32But like
39:33The thing is
39:35Relationships are not all
39:36Just about physical
39:37Interaction
39:38You guys
39:39Okay
39:39Me and Kristen
39:40We got a system
39:41Okay
39:42I get Ella
39:43In the morning
39:43She gets her
39:44In the evening
39:45I make all the money
39:47She gets the good
39:47Health insurance
39:49I let her talk
39:50About her mom
39:50As much as she wants
39:51She doesn't comment
39:53On my drinking
39:53It works
39:54Okay
39:55Shit has been hard
39:57How
39:58Babe
39:58Babe
39:58Seriously
39:59How would you describe
40:00Our daily life together
40:02Uphill battle
40:04Uphill battle
40:06Sisyphean
40:07Huh
40:07Yeah
40:10Uphill battle
40:11But you know what
40:12I love this woman
40:13Okay
40:14She's the best mom
40:15You're ever going to meet
40:15In your entire life
40:16She is
40:17Okay
40:17You guys see what
40:18I'm trying to say
40:18You know what
40:19Let's take mom and dad
40:20For example
40:21Okay
40:21They've been together
40:22For 40 years
40:25Wow
40:28Mama
40:28Stop crying
40:29Mama
40:30Mama
40:31You have this saying
40:32About love
40:33You always said
40:33That love is
40:34A struggle
40:35A struggle
40:37And what's the second half
40:38Of that saying
40:39But it's worth it
40:40In the end
40:41But it's worth it
40:42In the end
40:43Love is a struggle
40:46But it's worth it
40:47In the end
40:47Dad
40:48I can see
40:48You're still furious
40:50Yes
40:54But dad
40:55According to you
40:55Happiness isn't
40:56The point of marriage
40:57What is
40:58Togetherness
41:00Togetherness
41:03You see what
41:04I'm trying to say
41:04You guys
41:05And I see
41:05The three of you
41:06Shaking your heads
41:07You think you know
41:08Better than me
41:09But guys
41:10You haven't
41:11Thought this through
41:12And I know
41:13You haven't
41:14Thought this through
41:14Charles
41:14Because all you
41:15Care about
41:16Are your feelings
41:19You're feeling
41:22But that lovey-dovey
41:23Feeling you guys
41:24Feel right now
41:24That's chemicals
41:26Bro
41:27Science proves that
41:29The chemicals
41:30They wore off
41:31Between you and Paige
41:32And you guys
41:33You guys panicked
41:34And you added
41:34This spicy
41:36Mix to the mix
41:37And right now
41:38Everything feels
41:39So good
41:40But brother
41:41Let me tell you this
41:42This too
41:43Shall pass
41:44So then
41:46What are you gonna do
41:47You're gonna wake up
41:48One day
41:49And roll over
41:50In your California
41:51King
41:52And see two
41:52Shlubby older bodies
41:54You're no longer
41:55Attracted to
41:55And you're gonna
41:56Say
41:57Fuck
41:58You're gonna wake up
41:59One day
42:00And realize
42:00The amount of
42:01Energy it takes
42:02To nurture
42:02Two romantic
42:03Relationships
42:04Is so intense
42:05You can't remember
42:06The last time
42:06You got up on stage
42:07Or did something
42:07For yourself
42:08Believe me
42:08I live with
42:10Two females
42:10No offense
42:14So then
42:15What are you gonna do
42:16At a fourth
42:18Get a double divorce
42:22Sorry if I'm
42:23Absolutely murdering
42:24The vibe here
42:24People
42:25I'm just the only one
42:26Making any
42:27God damn sense
42:38Nobody knows
42:39What love is
42:43What is love
42:44See
42:45Do you see
42:46What I'm saying
42:46You see
42:47What I'm saying
42:48Nobody knows
42:49Wait
42:49I don't need to
42:50Interrogate the audience
42:51There was a sign
42:52As you entered
42:53That said
42:54Write what it means
42:54To love
42:55Probably for some
42:55Fucking promise quilt
42:56Or some bullshit
42:57But I'm gonna use
42:58These cards now
42:59And we'll get to
43:00The bottom
43:00Of what it means
43:01To love
43:09Okay
43:12Jesus Christ
43:15How much time
43:16Did you have
43:17Have
43:19No
43:23Enjoying peace
43:24And happiness
43:24With total understanding
43:25Yeah that's impossible
43:29Love that it's
43:30Purist
43:31Can make you feel
43:32Like your body
43:32Is about to explode
43:33Yeah that doesn't
43:34Sound good
43:35What is this
43:36Pepto
43:37Mentos
43:38Diet Coke
43:43Did everyone
43:44Do this to me
43:45Did everyone
43:50This is so long
43:54Throw them back
43:58Unconditional acceptance
44:00Of who you are
44:02Yeah right
44:05When you can't
44:06Decide between
44:07Leftovers
44:08Or eating out
44:09And you eat
44:09Frozen foods
44:10Haha dude
44:11Was that you brother
44:12Here we go
44:21Oh man
44:24Man I love it
44:25When he writes
44:26Hilarious stuff
44:27Sharing half
44:28Of a sandwich
44:29Here we go
44:42The silent moments
44:43The endless conversations
44:45Okay those are both
44:46Contradictory
44:50Love is being seen
44:52For who you are
44:53And allowed to become
44:54Yourself and change
44:55Love is being seen
44:57As multidimensional
44:58Full of potential
44:58And still enough
45:00As you are
45:01Okay I've tried that
45:07Love is giving
45:08More than you take
45:12Like how though
45:19What is love
45:24Baby don't help me
45:27And I'm not drunk
45:29Okay
45:30I use all my
45:31Frequent flyer miles
45:32And credit card points
45:32To be here
45:33Moving along Paul
45:35Get to the good part
45:35Okay I've been on stage
45:36For literally two minutes
45:38Okay
45:38I can't do this with you
45:39Right now
45:40I can't
45:40I can't do this
45:46This man went
45:47The desert sword
45:48Yes
45:50Don't you think
45:51I want to fuck
45:52Whoever I want
45:53But I don't
45:56Where's my
45:57Ruin your wedding
45:58I did that one time
46:00And you forget
46:01Everything I've ever done
46:02Peace
46:02Love conquers
46:03All my ass
46:05My significantly
46:06Less hairy ass
46:08Okay
46:09How about that
46:11Don't
46:12No
46:19Okay
46:20Okay
46:21Lock the doors
46:22Everybody
46:22Lock the doors
46:23Lock the doors
46:25Shut up
46:26We're not leaving here
46:27Until we get to the
46:28Bottom of this
46:29Together
46:30We're gonna get to the
46:31Bottom of what
46:32Means to love
46:42Cool
46:47Charles
46:48Dude
46:49I gotta admit
46:51Dude
46:51I thought you
46:53Polly
46:53Kabbalist
46:54Weirdos
46:56Would have something
46:57To teach me
46:57Here today
46:58That's right
46:59Charles
46:59I thought I was
47:01Gonna learn
47:01Something
47:04Joke's on my
47:05Face
47:09Weddings
47:10Are not a place
47:11To learn
47:13Weddings
47:14Are an
47:15Outdated
47:18Expensive
47:19Banquet
47:19Where we
47:21Pretend
47:23We pretend
47:24That love
47:25Is forever
47:27We pretend
47:28That you
47:28Want to stay
47:29Bonded
47:30To the one
47:30Person
47:31Who you
47:31Happened to be
47:32Fucking
47:32When all your
47:33Friends
47:33Were getting
47:33Married
47:34Ella
47:34Earmuffs
47:35Fuck
47:41We share
47:42These
47:43Poems
47:44And prayers
47:45Fusing two
47:46Souls
47:47Into one
47:47We pretend
47:48That you
47:48Don't
47:49Slowly
47:49Grow
47:49To hate
47:50Your
47:50Partner
47:50While
47:51Lying
47:51To your
47:51Annoying
47:52Children
47:52That it
47:53Was all
47:53Worth
47:53It
47:53Ella
47:54Earmuffs
47:55Fuck
48:16I can feel
48:18My wife's
48:19My wife's
48:19Adoring
48:19Eyes
48:19On
48:20Me
48:21Wrap
48:22It up
48:23Paul
48:24Fun's
48:25Over
48:25Paul
48:26Put the
48:27Flask
48:27Down
48:28Paul
48:29I'm
48:31Tired
48:39I'm
48:40Tired
48:47I'm
48:54Tired
48:55I tried
48:56So
48:57Hard
48:57And
48:57Charles
48:58I tried
48:58To teach
48:59You
48:59What I've
48:59Learned
49:00Bro
49:00But
49:00You
49:00Don't
49:00Listen
49:03You
49:04Don't
49:04Have
49:04Anything
49:04To
49:05Teach
49:05Me
49:05Charles
49:05Because
49:06You're
49:06Idiot
49:07The
49:08Hardest
49:08Thing
49:09In
49:09Your
49:09Life
49:10Is
49:10A
49:11Cat
49:12Who's
49:13Debatable
49:21If I
49:22Was
49:22In
49:22Your
49:22Place
49:23I
49:24Would
49:24Have
49:24Made
49:24It
49:24By
49:24Now
49:25Charles
49:26And
49:27Who
49:28Gives
49:28The
49:29Shit
49:29If
49:30I
49:30Blacked
49:31Out
49:31And
49:31Ruined
49:32Your
49:32First
49:32Wedding
49:33Cause
49:33Look
49:33Where
49:34We
49:34Are
49:34Now
49:37Charles
49:37Man
49:39So
49:40What is
49:41That
49:41It's
49:41Crystal
49:44It's
49:44Fucking
49:45Amethyst
49:48Charles
49:50So
49:50Easy
49:51To
49:51Be
49:51You
49:51Everybody
49:52Loves
49:53Charles
49:53I'm
49:54Gonna
49:54Show
49:54You
49:54I'm
49:54Show
49:55You
49:55What's
49:55Like
49:55To
49:56Be
49:56Charles
49:57Yeah
49:57Hi
49:58Everybody
49:58It's
49:59Me
49:59Charles
50:00I'm
50:00Charles
50:01And
50:01I'm
50:01Gonna
50:01Do
50:01I'm
50:02Gonna
50:02Do
50:02Some
50:02Improv
50:03For
50:03You
50:03Like
50:03It's
50:0320
50:04Fucking
50:0412
50:06Can I
50:06Get a
50:07Suggestion
50:07Meep
50:08Meep
50:09Meep
50:09Meep
50:10meep
50:29Meep
50:31spaghetti spaghetti it's funny because I'm repeating myself it's funny because I'm repeating
50:38myself it's funny because I oh wait a minute do you guys hear that this is the this is the
50:47royalty-free version of that Enya song you love this means it's time for me Charles to do my
50:55second first dance this reminds me of when I was a little boy back when grandma was still around
51:12no I'm not nervous I'm the king of the shit this is a room that's full of people who are
51:18dying for
51:18a best man's speech I'm honestly getting a little emotion right now not even a lot
51:27I love you bro there I said it no I drink a normal wedding amount hello it's okay to laugh
51:33people
51:34again what's up everybody it's your boy Paul big dog rose where my little dog is at
51:52did everyone do this to me because you can't get what you want
51:57I've tried I've tried so hard and Charles I didn't teach you what I've learned but you don't listen
52:03I'm the best man
52:14oh no I did it again
52:21Charles why did you ask me to do this
52:34I'm fucking up I'm fucking up I'm fucking up oh my god oh my god I'm so lonely
52:49I'm not important I don't know anything
52:57Charles Charles are you getting up right now to help me stop don't do it
53:04Charles you're getting up to help me right now stop don't do it Charles
53:09Charles I see you getting up to help me stop sit there don't get up to help me no stop
53:16stop Charles no no no don't get up on stage right now Charles
53:24don't help me up no you asshole you fucking ass don't hug me right now
53:28you fucking asshole don't film don't film this don't film this don't film this don't film it
53:34don't film this don't film it no don't film it stop blowing your bubbles this is not beautiful
53:39stop it stop it oh my god stop it okay pause right here over here take this here we go
53:47all right you put that on I don't want to get frosting in your hair okay now you're Paul now
53:55okay Paul it's okay it's okay it's okay it's okay brother it's okay let's get you off the stage
54:01now baby big brother come here come here okay yep this is a outfit that's hard for this you're so
54:08good okay Paul just have a seat with Paige over here okay
54:15hi everyone it's me Charles obviously I've been sitting right here the whole time soaking wet with
54:27sweat that was a lot let's all take a deep breath
54:40I actually prepared something for this moment that I think is even more apt given what just
54:46happened here today it's a reflection on what it means to love using your words before I put them
54:53in the promise quilt because love means something different to all of us
55:09the most powerful force in all of the universe is accepting someone for who they are
55:19the best feeling in the world is making compromises and learning how to make each other the best
55:26version of you all we need is patience kindness and gratitude Tom
55:42thank you Tom
55:48your Tom
55:55let's do our high-five that's secret
56:06love everyone deserves love and while I don't forgive what just happened yet Paul you told
56:15everyone I have a micro penis twice at the beginning it doesn't change how I feel about you I love
56:24you
56:24Paul and I always will
56:29all right we have a few more minutes before we cut what's left of the cake here so let's all
56:35refocus our attention
56:37because now it's time for Andrew to give his speech
56:45how do you know my brother I was his teacher what'd you teach him English what's your favorite book
56:51uh tale of two cities have you heard of it nah brother
56:56love means waiting in line for longer than I've ever waited for anything outside of a music festival
57:02and now she's doing that crazy yodel cry she does
57:07and now she's freestyle crying
57:12when was the last time we had sex then
57:14probably when our daughter was born
57:16probably when our daughter was born the day
57:22the day it happened
57:25oh my god there's a backside
57:28what is this a tale of two cities
57:33it was the worst of answers it was the best of answers
57:52what is this a tale of the world
57:53you cannot join in for 15 hours now
57:56oh yeah
57:57this is
57:58listening to our zone
57:59I don't know.
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