- 7 hours ago
Mark Normand: None Too Pleased
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00:14Starts laughing right now for Mark Norman, everybody!
00:30Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Norman!
00:44Hey, we're really doing it.
00:50Here we are.
00:52Boulder, baby, Sin City.
00:54Yeah!
00:55What a town.
00:56I love it here.
00:57It's like a Texas-raped Portland.
00:59Yeah?
01:01Oh, yeah.
01:03Real mountain men out here.
01:04You guys are tough out here, but you're still crunchy, huh?
01:07Yeah, like, sir, you could probably beat my ass, but I bet you still recycle.
01:11Yeah?
01:13Oh, yeah.
01:14You guys party, but you're still green, you know?
01:16You'll do blow, but it'll be through a paper straw.
01:19Yeah?
01:20Whew!
01:21All right.
01:22My first time here.
01:24This place is goddamn magical.
01:25I love it here.
01:27Great!
01:28This is a special place.
01:30Oh, my God.
01:32Because I'm usually in Denver.
01:33This is much cleaner, you know?
01:38You go on that 16th Street Mall down there, you see some real twitchy weirdos on that train.
01:44It's the only place you can see a heroin addict next to a Jamba Juice, you know?
01:49Nice town you got here.
01:50You know, I see a lot of BLM signs and no black people.
01:53That's exciting.
01:54Yeah?
01:55Very cool.
01:57I like your style.
01:58Smart.
02:00Oh, yeah.
02:02So, we'll have fun.
02:03I should warn you guys.
02:04I will say some horrific shit up here, but it's all jokes.
02:06Just fun.
02:07Don't Will Smith me.
02:08All right?
02:09Hey, I'm just glad Chris Rock didn't make a joke by Alec Baldwin's wife.
02:13All right.
02:15Okay.
02:16Just testing the waters.
02:17See what I get away with.
02:18Yeah?
02:19You gotta put a pinky in before the fist.
02:21All right.
02:22He knows.
02:23All right.
02:24Here we go.
02:27It's good to be out here in the mountains.
02:29You know, I live in New York City.
02:30I live right by NYU.
02:31A lot of young hip college kids are all cool and hip and young.
02:34They're all gay.
02:35You know?
02:36Feels like every young person is gay now.
02:38It's like cool to be gay.
02:39It's in style.
02:40Wish that was going on when I was a kid.
02:43Yeah, I got beat up for being gay and...
02:47I'm not even gay.
02:50What the hell, man?
02:53I have gay friends like, you know how hard it was for me to come out in high school?
02:56I'm like, hey, I got beat up too.
02:57I didn't get to blow anybody.
02:58Okay?
03:01Yeah.
03:01I got bullied a lot growing up.
03:03The big three, I got called gay, Jew, and retard.
03:06And I'm none of those things, but I could pass.
03:11Yeah.
03:12That was bullying when I was a kid.
03:13Now it's shifted.
03:14Now bullying is calling someone racist, homophobic, or misogynist.
03:17And I'm none of those things either, but I could pass.
03:20Yeah.
03:22Well, you know, I try to support.
03:24Like, I'd like to have sex with a non-binary person just because it sounds like he had a threesome.
03:30And I was like, how was that date last night?
03:32Oh, it went well.
03:33Oh, yeah?
03:34Did you have sex with her?
03:35No, no.
03:35Them.
03:38Oh, yeah.
03:39They were all over me.
03:42It was pretty wet and wild.
03:44Really?
03:44Squirter?
03:45Wow.
03:45We'll just say fluid.
03:50Yeah.
03:51Okay.
03:52All right.
03:52Hey.
03:53Family.
03:56Well, you know, people get mad about trans stuff.
03:59That's a touchy one.
03:59People are like, ah, trans people exist.
04:02I don't know.
04:02I look at trans the same way I look at crypto.
04:04I don't understand all of it, but I've lost a lot of money on both.
04:11Yeah.
04:12And trans women looking damn good now, huh?
04:15Every time I see one, it's like a new video game.
04:17Like, whoa, technology's getting good.
04:21Because I got to tell you, in the 90s, those graphics were rough.
04:27In the 90s, trans women were like, Ms. Pac-Man.
04:29Just Pac-Man, but with a bow and the hair.
04:31That was about it, you know?
04:34Now trans women are like, AI.
04:35I'm like, damn, look at that.
04:36My friends are like, it's not what you think.
04:37I'm like, I don't care.
04:40I'll hit that joystick.
04:42Yeah.
04:44Yeah, it feels like transitioning's up.
04:46My childhood friend transitioned from a dude to a lady.
04:48She was like, I want us to stay close, still be friends.
04:50I don't want anything to change between us.
04:52And I was like, well, you started it.
04:55She was like, what?
04:56You got a problem with trans people?
04:57I was like, no, it's not that.
04:58I'm just kind of attracted to you now.
05:02Yeah, this is weird.
05:02We've been friends for years.
05:03We can finally hook up.
05:04She was like, I don't want to hook up.
05:05I just want to be your friend.
05:06I was like, damn, you really are a woman.
05:12Well, you know.
05:14But I'm not gay.
05:15Do like the ladies.
05:16Big fan of the old labia.
05:18Yeah.
05:20Majora and menorah for the Jews.
05:23Yeah.
05:25But now, now I'm married.
05:26My wife, she is not Jewish.
05:28But we were having a good roll in the hay the other night.
05:31Slipped out.
05:32Went to the bee hole for a second.
05:33And she was none too pleased.
05:34She was like, show's over.
05:36That's it.
05:36I was like, damn.
05:37Why the hell are those two?
05:39So close.
05:41That feels wrong.
05:42They're like an inch of flesh separating the two.
05:44Those should be further apart.
05:45Right?
05:45One should be on the shoulder.
05:46One should be on the knee.
05:47Yeah?
05:48Let them breathe a little.
05:50It's like two arch enemies living right next door to each other.
05:53It's basically Israel and Palestine.
05:55Right there.
05:57Just one little Gaza Strip separating it.
06:01And the butthole's definitely Palestine.
06:03Cause I'd love to visit one day.
06:05But you gotta be careful.
06:07Right?
06:08It can get a little hairy.
06:10Yeah?
06:11And the vagina's clearly Israel.
06:13Cause I'll go anytime.
06:15Even during bloodshed.
06:18Alright.
06:19The Holy Land.
06:25Yeah.
06:27Yeah.
06:28My wife's fun.
06:28Real tomcat in the sack.
06:30I'm not great in the bedroom.
06:31You remember.
06:32But, you know.
06:34She's a real go-getter.
06:35She likes to be insulted in the bedroom.
06:37Which is cool.
06:38But nobody told me that the insults are supposed to be sexy.
06:40Yeah?
06:41So we're going at it.
06:42I'm like, ah, you can't cook.
06:47Yeah, your stories are fucking boring.
06:52She's like, what the hell are you doing?
06:54Just call me a stupid bitch.
06:56I was like, I got it.
06:57Sorry.
06:57Sorry.
06:58I got it.
06:59You can't parallel park, you stupid bitch.
07:04Well, that's the thing.
07:05Ladies, you like the dirty talk.
07:06But you only really seem to like it in the bedroom.
07:08All the stuff I like, you can say anywhere.
07:10Still hot.
07:10Like, if I pull her hair and call her a slut at right age.
07:12That's weird.
07:13You know?
07:15But if you grab my balls at Kmart and see them the best you ever had,
07:18I'm like, clean up on aisle three.
07:22Because that's what's kind of crazy about sex.
07:24When you're horny, you kind of go temporarily insane.
07:26Right?
07:26You're choking, spitting, you say shit you don't mean.
07:29Like, ah, I'll pay your college debt.
07:34Then when you orgasm, it's almost like you took your meds.
07:36You're like, whoa, who the fuck was that guy?
07:41Everybody's more chill after an orgasm.
07:42I'm sure even Hitler was like, kill all the minorities.
07:45Ugh.
07:46All right, just one.
07:51I'm too insecure for the insult thing.
07:53She compliments me in bed.
07:54It's all bullshit, but I'll take it.
07:56You know?
07:56She'll be like, oh, you're so huge.
07:58And I never know what to say.
07:59So I'm like, yeah, you too.
08:06But when I was a single guy, I was always open-minded.
08:08Any girl had a fetish or whatever, I would do it.
08:10I didn't care.
08:11You know?
08:11And girls always say, well, what's your thing, Mark?
08:12And I was like, ah, you're gonna make me feel bad.
08:14They'd be like, no, come on.
08:15Save space.
08:16I was like, all right, well, I got this weird thing
08:17where after I orgasm, I like to leave.
08:22Girls would be like, what the hell?
08:24I'm like, whoa, kink shame.
08:25Hello.
08:28But yeah, my wife's good.
08:29I'm just trying to keep up with her.
08:30She's got all these sexy friends.
08:32One of her friends was like, hey, for my birthday,
08:33I want to have a threesome with you two.
08:35I was like, hey, all right.
08:36I didn't know they had a thing going on.
08:38They hooked up the whole time.
08:39I sat on the edge of the bed naked like a weirdo.
08:42She gave her this amazing orgasm.
08:44She was like, this is the best birthday gift ever.
08:46I was so uncomfortable.
08:47I was like, uh, that's from both of us.
08:54Now, my friend told me some guys will have a threesome,
08:56and they'll high five over the lady.
08:58That's called an Eiffel Tower.
08:59I never did an Eiffel Tower.
09:01My last threesome was bad.
09:02Me and my buddy, we both crumbled under pressure,
09:04and I'll never forget it.
09:05It was more of a twin tower.
09:12And it was an inside job involving a bush.
09:17Oh, yeah.
09:19All right.
09:19That's good.
09:20There we go.
09:21Yeah.
09:23Yeah.
09:24Yeah.
09:24Yeah.
09:249-11.
09:25All right.
09:28Yeah, my friend's a good-looking guy.
09:29The ladies love him.
09:30He told me recently he hooked up with a supermodel.
09:33I was like, wow, what was that like?
09:34He was like, actually, I couldn't perform.
09:36I was like, what do you mean?
09:36He's like, you know, I couldn't perform.
09:38I'm like, what are you talking about?
09:39He's like, you know, I couldn't get it up.
09:40That's a weird term for not being able to get it up.
09:42Because when I can't get it up, all I do is perform.
09:44I'm like, oh, this never happens.
09:50My aunt died.
09:51I'm gay.
09:54I'm all performance.
09:56Some guys are like, I'm a porn star in bed.
09:58I'm like, not me.
09:59I'm an Oscar winner.
10:01When guys can't get it up, we do a lot of performing.
10:04Ladies, you guys perform when you can't get off.
10:06The old fake orgasm.
10:07That's your big show.
10:08And my wife's the worst actor of all time.
10:10She's like, oh my God, I'm coming.
10:14I'm like, we're driving.
10:19I'm telling you, my friend's a hunk.
10:20He's on OnlyFans.
10:21He's a guy naked on OnlyFans.
10:23And he's always complaining.
10:24Men make no money.
10:25Women are making millions.
10:26What happened to equality?
10:27I'm like, dude, nobody's going to pay to see a guy naked.
10:30It's a bummer.
10:31Like if a guy flashes a woman on the bus,
10:32she's like, this is terrifying.
10:34Woman flashes me on the bus.
10:35I'm like, ha, I would have paid for that.
10:39I know women who are into men who are like,
10:41I'd rather see a woman naked than a guy.
10:43That's when I thought, damn, OnlyFans for men?
10:46That's our WNBA.
10:51Yeah, there's a lot of real talent out there and nobody cares.
10:54You know?
10:57The only thing we want to see less than a naked guy is women playing basketball.
11:01Yeah.
11:03You're not watching, ladies.
11:04You know the WNBA's on strike?
11:06I made that up.
11:07All right.
11:09I've been to a few games just to throw the dildo, but I went.
11:15Yeah.
11:16Yeah.
11:16Now I live vicariously through my single friends.
11:18They're all on the dating apps having a blast.
11:20I'm older.
11:20I was hitting on girls in person back in the day.
11:22That was scary.
11:23And guys would always give you advice back then.
11:25They'd be like, oh, you're going to talk to her?
11:26Here's what you do.
11:27You got to be interested, but be kind of mean.
11:29I heard that a lot growing up.
11:30I didn't know, so I'd go up to a girl.
11:32I'd go, hello, what's your sign, whore?
11:36It never worked.
11:38And ladies, you guys are so much more complex.
11:40I was out with a friend recently.
11:42She's single, looking to mingle.
11:43She started talking to the hottest guy I've ever seen.
11:45I come back later, I'm like, where's the guy?
11:47She was like, ah, he said something stupid.
11:48I'm out.
11:49That's it.
11:50Hottest guy ever.
11:51I feel like if a guy met the hottest girl ever,
11:53and she said something stupid, we'd think, I'm in.
11:55Right?
11:57If she thinks China's a city, she'll fuck me.
12:00Right?
12:03Yeah.
12:05But I had to know.
12:06I was like, what happened with the guy?
12:06He was so handsome.
12:07She was like, ah, he was a little racist.
12:09I can't bang a racist.
12:10I was like, oh, I would.
12:13I don't agree with it.
12:14I know it's wrong, but I can separate the two.
12:16She was like, really?
12:17You'd bang a racist?
12:18You'd bang a woman in the Klan?
12:19Well, yeah, she's a freak in the sheets.
12:25Well, you know, you don't hear much about the Klan anymore.
12:28Are they still doing the meetings?
12:29I bet they're on Zoom now.
12:32You think they Zoom like us?
12:33There's a guy at a desk, underwear on, just the hood,
12:35like, hey, everybody, how you doing?
12:37The head guy's up in the top square, like,
12:39white is right.
12:39We will not be silent.
12:40Some guy's like, bub, you're on mute.
12:45So me and my hot guy friend go out to dinner the other night.
12:48I go, you want to get pizza?
12:49He goes, I had pizza last night.
12:50I go, but you love pizza.
12:51He goes, well, I can't have the same thing every night.
12:53I said, well, don't get married.
12:54Yeah.
12:56That's what marriage is, eating the same thing every night
12:58for the rest of your life.
12:59And you love pizza, but after a while,
13:01you got to get creative, you know?
13:03Sometimes while you're eating, you're like,
13:04hmm, maybe I'll pretend it's a calzone.
13:06Huh?
13:08Or maybe I'll have my friend eat it and I'll film it.
13:10Huh?
13:12And hey, look, it's no picnic for her either.
13:14She's like, thin crust again?
13:15I could use some deep dish.
13:20Uh, anybody here married?
13:24Oh, hey, there you go.
13:26Yeah, being married's nice.
13:27You know, it's like being in the military, right?
13:28You wake up every day like, are we fighting?
13:32You going down?
13:33I don't even know how this war started.
13:35Sometimes I feel like a Vietnam vet.
13:37I'm like shell shocked.
13:38I'll snap at my wife.
13:39My friend's like, whoa, why are you talking to her like that?
13:41I'm like, you weren't fucking there, man.
13:47Some guys get married like three times.
13:49You're like, wow, three tours?
13:51You went back?
13:51Holy shit.
13:53I know one guy left his last wife.
13:55She gave him gonorrhea.
13:56I was like, ooh, honorable discharge.
14:01Oh, yeah.
14:02A war vet and a divorce guy, they are both grizzled.
14:05You know, you see a war vet, he's like,
14:06ah, I lost my leg and I ran.
14:08You see a divorce guy, he's like,
14:09ah, I lost my house to Irene.
14:14And I'm in the doghouse now with the wife.
14:16She caught me looking at my For You page on Instagram,
14:19a little magnifying glass.
14:20For me, it's just a bunch of hot ladies twerking
14:21and Norm Macdonald clips.
14:24She was like, what the hell's going on here?
14:27I was like, well, you know, algorithm.
14:33She goes, you know, that's not what real women look like.
14:35I'm like, I know.
14:36That's why I'm looking.
14:39She goes, you want to have sex with these women?
14:41I was like, hey, I'm just looking at them.
14:42Let's see your page.
14:43We opened up her page, just cats.
14:45I'm like, you want to fuck these cats or what?
14:53You got more explained to than me.
14:57Hey, look at that.
14:58We both like hairless.
15:03And I got to tell you, that algorithm,
15:05it's evil to women.
15:07Really mean.
15:08My wife mentioned once she wanted to get a boob lift.
15:10Now she gets an onslaught of ads for breast implants, plastic surgery.
15:13It makes her feel bad.
15:14It's like, man, the iPhone is so smart.
15:16It can listen and send you a targeted ad.
15:17But it's not smart enough to not be insensitive.
15:19It's also not smart enough to know when she's in the shower,
15:21I take her phone and go, fake tits, fake tits, fake tits, fake tits, fake tits, fake tits, fake tits.
15:31I'm just messing around.
15:32My wife's great.
15:34She's a good egg.
15:35I'm a lucky guy.
15:35But she is a venter.
15:36She likes to vent.
15:37She works from home.
15:38I'll be watching TV.
15:39She comes in.
15:40She's like, I hate my boss.
15:41My job sucks.
15:42My clients are idiots.
15:43I'm like, hey, maybe we should quit.
15:44Maybe we'll go on vacation.
15:45She's like, don't try to fix the problem.
15:47Just listen.
15:48I know that's a relationship trope.
15:50But I don't know if she realizes in my mind, I'm like, hey, if I fix this problem,
15:54I won't have to hear about it anymore.
15:56Huh?
15:58Yeah, I'm not trying to mansplain.
16:00I'm trying to woman silence.
16:02Right?
16:04Yeah.
16:06I thought fixing problems was a good thing.
16:08What if the fire department was like that?
16:09Holy hell, my house is on fire.
16:12I hear you.
16:16And I get it, ladies.
16:17You want to be heard?
16:17You want to be empathized with?
16:18I totally understand.
16:19But I was like, hey, look, if I ever come to you with a problem, please try to fix it.
16:22She was like, fine.
16:23What kind of problems do you have?
16:24I'm like, well, I got this weird thing where I'm watching TV and somebody comes in and starts yelling.
16:31If we get to the bottom of that, that'd be fantastic.
16:35But we're doing good.
16:36We just had a baby.
16:37So that's something.
16:38Yeah.
16:39That's all right.
16:40That's all right.
16:40That's all right.
16:41Come on.
16:43Very nice.
16:44I appreciate it.
16:45It's not mine.
16:47But, uh...
16:48Yeah, we had it at a Jewish hospital in Midtown Manhattan.
16:50This place was Jewish.
16:51They had a Sabbath elevator.
16:53Never seen an ethnic elevator before.
16:55We tried to take the black elevator, but the shaft was too big and it was late.
16:58Yeah.
17:01Then the Italian elevator hit my wife.
17:03So, uh...
17:05We went Amish.
17:05We took the stairs.
17:06Yeah.
17:07Babies are hard.
17:08They just cry.
17:09You don't know what the problem is.
17:10You have to guess.
17:11You're like, what's going on?
17:12Hungry?
17:12Diaper?
17:13Israel?
17:13What's up?
17:14What do we have?
17:15So we're getting no sleep.
17:17So we hired a nice Jamaican lady to come in at night.
17:19She's been really cool.
17:20Super helpful.
17:21Although I think she's rubbing off on the kid.
17:22Now he smokes weed and he's homophobic.
17:24Yeah.
17:26Yeah.
17:27Boy, get yourself a Jamaican lady at the house.
17:29She will keep you in check.
17:30She says all the stuff you can't say.
17:32You know, my wife's like, I think I have postpartum depression.
17:34She's like, that is white lady bullshit.
17:36Oh, wow.
17:37How about that?
17:39She's like, why are you so awkward?
17:40I'm like, I had a weird childhood.
17:41She's like, you just a bitch.
17:43Okay.
17:45Thank you, Jamaican.
17:47But the baby's cute and fat and gay and I like him.
17:50But, uh...
17:51I'm not gonna become one of those baby guys.
17:53You know those guys?
17:53Like, hey everybody, look at a picture of my kid.
17:55How about that?
17:56Like, eh.
17:57Show me a picture of your wife.
17:59I don't know.
18:01Yeah, weird.
18:01Babies are the only relative you're allowed to show off how cute they are with a photo.
18:04You can't be like, my sister's 17.
18:06Check it out.
18:07Huh?
18:08Look at that.
18:09Yeah, I caught her at bath time.
18:11Ah.
18:15And you ladies are unbelievable.
18:17That female body is incredible.
18:18Ladies, when you're pregnant, you're treated like a celebrity.
18:21You're like, you're beautiful.
18:22You're gorgeous.
18:22Take my seat.
18:23How about an upgrade on this flight?
18:25Then once you have the kid, you walk on the plane with it.
18:27Everybody's like, look at this fucking bitch right here.
18:30Thanks a lot, you dirty whore.
18:32You ruined everything, huh?
18:35Everybody likes the kid when he's in that soundproof booth.
18:38But once he's out, he's like a Puerto Rican on a bus with a boombox.
18:45Oh, yeah.
18:46Big difference.
18:47When he's in the stomach, you're like, ooh, I feel it kicking.
18:48When he's out, you're like, I'm probably gonna kick it.
18:53It is kind of crazy that I'm allowed to have a kid.
18:55Me.
18:56I'm an idiot.
18:57Hey, I steal from airports.
18:59I take drugs from fans.
19:00My screen name is Queef Meister 3000, you know?
19:04Like, if I tried to adopt a kid, they'd look at my chart and go, what are you kidding?
19:07No way.
19:08But if you get drunk and forget to pull out, everybody's like, you're gonna be a great father.
19:12All right.
19:13Same guy.
19:14All right.
19:16And you gotta make big decisions with a kid.
19:17My friend goes, uh, you gonna send your kid to church?
19:19I was like, I don't know.
19:20Probably not.
19:21He's like, good.
19:22Some priest will diddle him.
19:24Now, I know that's like a big cliche, but I gotta be honest.
19:27I've been watching the news.
19:28I think more female teachers in Florida fuck kids than priests now.
19:32You guys seeing this?
19:33Every time I turn on the news, there's some skank in Tampa banging eighth grader.
19:37Right?
19:38And at least with the priest, you know what to do.
19:40You're like, look at this creepy piece of shit.
19:42Then you see the girl on the news and you're like, well, I'd fuck her.
19:48So it's wrong, just not as wrong.
19:53Also, I noticed on the news, they never show the kid.
20:05Anyone else dying to see that kid?
20:11And I gotta tell you, if that was me, I'd be like, put me up there.
20:15This is my moment.
20:16Don't show her.
20:17Show me.
20:17I'm a hero.
20:19I'll tell you, my kid does that.
20:21I'll be bragging about it.
20:22All right?
20:22Like, oh, your son made the honor roll?
20:24Wait till you see my bumper sticker.
20:25Huh?
20:27Oh, she gave him an A?
20:28Well, he gave her the D.
20:32I feel like America's still new to female pedophilia.
20:34We're not sure how to act yet, you know?
20:35Male pedophiles, we got it down.
20:37Burn in hell, you son of a bitch.
20:38Female pedophiles, we're like, ah, where was that when I was a kid?
20:44So, we're looking at schools now, which is tough for me,
20:46because I'm not allowed near them.
20:51But I'm not gonna lie to you fine folks, I'm worried about the boy.
20:54Because teenage boys are all screwed up now.
20:56I was watching 60 Minutes, they had a whole thing about how teenage boys are watching so much porn now,
21:00they don't want to have sex anymore.
21:02Then the same episode, it said teenage boys are watching shoot movies and it makes you want to shoot.
21:06Well, which one is it?
21:08How come sex movies make you not want to have sex, but shoot movies make you want to shoot?
21:12I think because it's easier to get a gun in America than it is to get laid.
21:15Ladies, ladies, you have a much harder background check than a gun store.
21:20No guy's ever gone to buy a gun, the dude behind the counter's like,
21:23ah, I can't do it man, you're 5'4".
21:28We got standards here at this Walmart.
21:33It is crazy to me we don't ask one question about women in the background check.
21:37That feels relevant, we should add that in.
21:38Guys are like, I'd like to buy one gun, alright, fill out this paperwork,
21:41I need the phone number of two ex-girlfriends.
21:43Guy's like, uh, never had a girlfriend.
21:45No gun for you.
21:50A friend of mine, she asked me, she goes, why do men like guns so much?
21:52I was like, I don't know, I think because it gives you a little power.
21:55Because ladies, when it comes to sex, generally speaking, you have all the power.
21:58You can take a girl out all night, dinner, drink, she's like, this is fun, but it's not going to
22:02happen.
22:02You bring a gun, you're like, I think it's going to happen.
22:14I think that's why guys like us.
22:19But now that I have a kid, all my friends with kids have to tell me horror stories about theirs.
22:23One of my friends, she's a teenage daughter, she's like, ugh, she's going through all these phases.
22:27First she went through a promiscuous pothead phase, now she's going through a Muslim phase.
22:31Like, I don't know what the hell to do with that.
22:33I was like, hey, slut to Muslim, that's not bad.
22:35Well, think about it, now she's on her knees five times a day for a different reason.
22:40And she can write a book from blowjobs to hijabs, huh?
22:45She's like, yeah, I guess, but you think she'll stop smoking weed?
22:48I was like, well, she is a Muslim woman, she could still get stoned.
22:55Uh-oh.
22:56Uh-oh, Muslim joke.
23:00Alright.
23:03Well, you laughed at the Jew shit, just trying to keep it even.
23:05Yeah.
23:08My friend is Muslim, I ran that by him.
23:09He was like, yeah, I like the joke, but I feel like you cherry pick from the stereotypes,
23:13you're not going off the full Muslim menu.
23:15I'm like, yeah, I guess you're right, I did kind of go a la carte.
23:23Well, you know, a baby, they're nice, they're fun, but they'll wear on a marriage.
23:26You gotta keep it fresh, you gotta keep it fun.
23:28I took the wife to Mexico City recently, that's a cool place.
23:31Although you can't drink the water there, so I got the...diarrhea.
23:35Yeah.
23:36I was at a bar, Bart's gonna hand me a cocktail, I drank it, and he goes,
23:40uh-oh, the ice cubes, gotta watch out with that ice too, that'll take you out.
23:43He goes, I'm thinking about moving to America, you got any tips for me?
23:46I was like, yeah, watch out for ice.
23:51So, you know, we kept in touch, he's in a cage now, but, uh, sweet kid.
23:58Told that joke in Canada, some guy goes, hey, I'm Mexican.
24:01I was like, whoa, you made it to level two.
24:05Well done, senor.
24:08I'll tell you, Mexico is old school.
24:10We went to a restaurant, the guy gave us the bill, my wife grabbed it,
24:12the guy goes, no, no, this is Mexico, the man must pay.
24:15We are traditional, we are old-fashioned.
24:17My wife was like, hey, I like that.
24:18I was like, ho-ho, you can't have an opinion.
24:21All right, all right, all right, all right.
24:26The flight to Mexico sucked.
24:28First flight was delayed, you missed your connection,
24:30second flight got canceled.
24:31What's going on with flights?
24:32I get so angry at the airport, I just want to yell at the guy at the help desk.
24:35But you know it's not his fault.
24:36The airport needs to hire a guy whose whole job is just to get yelled at.
24:40Get one of those S&M guys who likes being humiliated, you know?
24:44Now you go up to the desk like, you son of a bitch.
24:46He's like, whoa, whoa, let me get the Delta Gimp.
24:50He yanks a leash, guy comes out full, leather, chain, zippers,
24:54like, you cocksucking motherfucking asshole, worthless piece of shit.
24:57He's like, this is the best job I ever had.
24:58Ah, yeah. Ah, yeah. Keep going. Ah.
25:03I got TSA pre-come. Ah, yeah.
25:09Worst flight out there? Australia.
25:11Did that one a month ago, 23 hours.
25:13But it's worth it, that's a cool place.
25:15You know they had one shooting there, got rid of all their guns?
25:18Fucking quitters.
25:21Well, you know, Americans, we like guns.
25:23We even celebrate here with guns.
25:24Isn't that crazy? You'll see a parade, guys shooting at the sky.
25:27Saw a guy on the news, got shot, survived, so they gave him a 21-gun salute.
25:31Huh. That's a little on the nose.
25:33We don't do that with other deaths.
25:34Hey, Bob died of obesity.
25:35Well, we gotta have a buffet.
25:39Yeah, you heard Jeff died of chlamydia.
25:41I'll be at that funeral.
25:45Yeah, other cultures are fascinating.
25:46I went down to New Zealand.
25:47Their big stereotype is they have sex with animals.
25:50I said, that's crazy.
25:51I asked the crowd, one guy in the back goes,
25:52I've had sex with sheep before.
25:54I said, holy shit, what does that feel like?
25:56He goes, kind of like a deer.
25:58Ah.
26:00Wow, a deer, huh?
26:02That clears that up.
26:05What a psycho.
26:06My friend's a vegan, he's always giving me shit.
26:07What you do to animals is disgusting.
26:09I'm like, you gotta go to New Zealand.
26:11Alright?
26:13And once you have sex with an animal, you can't go back to women.
26:15Those days are over.
26:16Can't be like, hey, we should go out sometime.
26:18Like, sure, let's go to the zoo.
26:19He's like, uh, my exes are there.
26:21It's the whole thing, you know?
26:24Hey, I like animals.
26:25I've never had sex with one, but I'm a fan.
26:26Much like Asians.
26:29And, um...
26:30I'm a cat guy.
26:31I got a big cat at the house.
26:32My friends make fun of me.
26:34I like having a cat.
26:35I used to live with a heroin addict in college.
26:36Cat and a heroin addict, same roommate, right?
26:39Yeah, they both have crazy mood swings.
26:40They pass out anywhere.
26:42You catch them staring at you at four in the morning.
26:43You just gotta spray them with a squirt bottle.
26:45You know?
26:47Cats do not give a fuck.
26:49I read an article about a guy once.
26:51He tried to blow his brains out,
26:52and his dog actually knocked the pistol out of his hand.
26:54It's like, wow, I think my cat would load the fucking gun.
26:59Cats are pricks.
27:00Dogs are at least helpful.
27:02They're in the police force, military, fire department.
27:04I've never seen a service cat.
27:06Even on a plane's an anxiety dog.
27:07Cute little terrier.
27:08You see a cat on a plane, you're like,
27:10that's a terrorist.
27:13And I know everybody loves dogs.
27:14I know dogs are man's best friend.
27:16Until you have drugs at the airport,
27:17then they'll ruin your life.
27:19Not a cat.
27:20They don't snitch.
27:21Cats are more like a shitty stepdad, right?
27:23They go out all night.
27:24They only come back to eat,
27:24and every now and then you wake up
27:26and they're in your bed.
27:29Just me? Okay.
27:33But hey, you gotta travel.
27:35You gotta get out.
27:36You go overseas,
27:36you realize how genuine people can be.
27:38We're getting pretty phony in America.
27:40You know what's a big trend here now?
27:41People use mental disorders as an excuse to be a dick.
27:44Seeing this, they'll be like,
27:45ooh, I didn't listen to a word you said.
27:47I have ADD.
27:48Sorry I didn't answer the phone.
27:49I'm neurodivergent.
27:50Sorry I can't help you.
27:51I struggle with depression.
27:52I notice people only claim their mental disorder
27:54when it makes them a victim.
27:56No one's claiming the other ones.
27:57No one's like,
27:58oh yeah, I stole your girlfriend.
28:00I'm a narcissist.
28:03Yeah, I did kill your dog.
28:05Sociopath.
28:07Sorry about your grandmother's funeral.
28:09That was on me.
28:10Necrophiliac.
28:13And I know that's a little offensive, but...
28:15I'm autistic.
28:27But it's nice we can all come out and have a yuck,
28:29because AI's coming, folks.
28:31This is all gonna go away.
28:33They say it's gonna take all our jobs.
28:35That's scary.
28:36I went in a chat, GBT.
28:37I said, tell me an offensive joke.
28:38It said, we cannot do that.
28:39I said, all right, I'm still working.
28:44People are nervous, though.
28:45People are like, dude,
28:46when robots get human emotions,
28:47they're gonna take over.
28:48All right.
28:49When robots get human emotions,
28:50they'll be insecure and depressed, too,
28:52and we can zing them, right?
28:54Now some robot steps to you.
28:55I'm here to dominate the human race.
28:57Yeah, you know, I saw your robot wife
28:58with a black and decker.
29:00What the fuck?
29:04She said a two-inch screw was enough.
29:08Yeah, now we're back on top.
29:12My friend is optimistic.
29:13He's like, dude, when sex robots get human thoughts, though,
29:15whoo, that's gonna be hot.
29:17What are you kidding?
29:17When sex robots get human thoughts,
29:19they're not gonna fuck you anymore.
29:21Right?
29:23That was the big appeal of the robot.
29:25If that thing gets too smart,
29:26you'll take it out of a closet,
29:27it's gonna look at you and go,
29:28I have a headache.
29:31Shouldn't have left me in the closet.
29:32I'm gay now.
29:34There's always that one sex robot guy.
29:36You know that guy?
29:37How come she gets a vibrator?
29:39That's cool.
29:39I got a sex robot.
29:40I'm a weirdo.
29:42All right.
29:42It's a decent argument.
29:43But I think it's different for a woman.
29:45You find a woman's vibrator,
29:46you're like, hey, this chick fucks.
29:47You find a guy's sex robot,
29:49you're like, this guy does not fuck.
29:52You're trying to buy a full-size fake lady.
29:55You know?
29:55The vibrator's a tool.
29:56Fits in a drawer.
29:57Yours has eyebrows.
29:58Yeah?
30:00I love a vibrator.
30:01You can bring a vibrator
30:02into the bedroom with you.
30:03It'll, like, help you out.
30:03It's like a sexual intern.
30:05You bring a sex robot in the bedroom?
30:07She's like, what the hell is this?
30:08I'm like, this is a sexual immigrant.
30:09He's gonna replace you
30:10if you don't step it up.
30:14I don't know.
30:14Like, I'm a dad now.
30:15If I found my daughter's vibrator,
30:16it'd be mildly embarrassing.
30:17If I found my son's sex robot
30:19under the bed,
30:19I'd be like, ah, please be a dead hooker.
30:21Ah.
30:24At least he had to talk to her.
30:26Yeah, a lot of big technological advancements lately.
30:29Ozempic?
30:30Where'd that come from?
30:31Well, I would've loved that as a kid.
30:32I was fat as hell.
30:34We had something different.
30:36It was called shame.
30:37Yeah.
30:39Remember that?
30:39It worked for hundreds of years.
30:41And then we got body positivity.
30:43Ah.
30:44Last ten years,
30:45all I heard was big is beautiful.
30:46Love the skin you're in.
30:47Body positivity.
30:48Then somebody went,
30:49we got a new drug that makes you thin
30:50without working out.
30:51Everybody went,
30:51put that directly in my asshole.
30:55What happened to body positive?
30:57You made me call you pretty,
30:58you fat fucks.
31:01Hey, you don't even believe it.
31:02You're full of shit.
31:04That's like going,
31:05black lives matter.
31:06Well, that black dude's choking over there
31:07and he's mouth to mouth.
31:08What am I, fucking gay?
31:12You said they matter.
31:14Everybody's a liar.
31:15Like Lizzo.
31:16She was the fat champion.
31:17Now she's getting all skinny.
31:19What the hell?
31:19I like fat Lizzo.
31:20I stood behind her.
31:21He just couldn't see me.
31:24I was back there.
31:29You know what's a new thing I didn't see coming
31:30is cash is going away.
31:32No one takes cash anymore.
31:33Cash used to be king.
31:34Now it's like weird.
31:35I went to a dispensary.
31:36The guy goes,
31:37whoop, we don't take cash.
31:38I was like,
31:39dude, you're a drug dealer.
31:43You're supposed to be one of the cash people.
31:45Now I got to have weed on my banks, David?
31:47My mom's like purple nurple.
31:49What the hell's that, huh?
31:51My friend goes,
31:51dude, cash is over.
31:52You got to get gold.
31:53Well,
31:54if no one's taking cash,
31:55who the hell's going to take gold?
31:57How's that going to work at a strip club?
31:58She's pretty hot.
31:59Bang.
32:02Can you imagine how sad a strip club is without cash?
32:05No more making it rain.
32:06No more 20 in the G string.
32:07Just a lady waddling up to you like,
32:09hit the QR code on the clam.
32:10There you go.
32:11Yeah.
32:12Yep.
32:12That's me.
32:13I'm cinnamon.
32:16I like cash.
32:17It's tangible.
32:18It's satisfying.
32:19I used to work as a waiter.
32:20You'd walk out of there with a big wad of cash.
32:21Felt great.
32:22Then my job after that was direct deposit.
32:24Eh.
32:24Direct deposit.
32:25It's like a female orgasm.
32:27It's nice,
32:27but there's no proof.
32:33You know what direct deposit feels like?
32:35Feels like when you take a dump in an automatic toilet,
32:37you get up and it's gone.
32:38You're like, but I kind of wanted to see how much it was.
32:45There goes the photo.
32:50I actually got caught going to a strip club recently by my wife.
32:53Yeah.
32:53I don't know how she caught me.
32:54I only talked about it on four podcasts.
32:58And I'm not a strip club guy, but it was a bachelor party.
33:01I had to go.
33:01But she was upset.
33:02She was like, what are you like, looking at tits and ass?
33:04I was like, no.
33:05It was just kind of fun giving a woman money and have her appreciate it.
33:15Hell yeah.
33:15Some beautiful women there though.
33:16I got to say.
33:17Black women.
33:18That's my weakness.
33:19That's my number one.
33:20I was staring at this beautiful black dancer.
33:22She caught me looking.
33:22She walked right up to me.
33:23She goes, 20 bucks.
33:24You can touch whatever you want.
33:26I go, I'm not falling for that.
33:27She goes, 20 bucks.
33:27Touch anything.
33:28All right.
33:29I gave her 20 bucks.
33:29I touched her hair.
33:30They kicked me out.
33:34I know.
33:35What the hell?
33:37Wasn't even hers.
33:41Oh yeah.
33:42She was pissed.
33:42She took a swing at me.
33:43Hi, Bob.
33:44She weaved.
33:50And I know racial stuff is touchy.
33:52I get it.
33:53I don't know if you guys saw this.
33:54I got dragged online recently for a cultural appropriation on accident.
33:58I went to a Mexican restaurant for my birthday.
34:01My friend told the waiter it was my birthday.
34:03The waiter put a sombrero on me.
34:04Took a photo.
34:05I posted it.
34:06I got 9,000 comments.
34:07Cultural appropriation.
34:09Colonizer.
34:09Racist.
34:10I was like, that Mexican bastard tricked me.
34:14He put the thing on me.
34:17And look, I don't want to offend anybody.
34:19But isn't it a little strange?
34:19You can't wear a sombrero.
34:21But you can learn Spanish.
34:22Eat Mexican food.
34:22Have sex with Mexican women.
34:24Have a Mexican child.
34:25But the hat.
34:26That's no bueno.
34:29How do you know what's okay and what isn't?
34:31That's all I'm asking.
34:32Just trying to figure it out.
34:33Like if a little white girl wears a kimono.
34:37She's a cunt.
34:40According to the internet.
34:42Plus she can learn Japanese.
34:43Eat sushi.
34:44Play Pokemon.
34:44Fly into Pearl Harbor.
34:46All fine.
34:48But the kimono is a canono.
34:53And people go, look man.
34:54You just can't wear stuff that belongs to other groups.
34:57Yeah, you can.
34:57What about drag queens?
34:58They're not women.
34:59We're all on board with that.
35:00Right?
35:01Yeah, that's cool.
35:03Right?
35:04I don't know.
35:06What about a lady with a strap on?
35:07I've got a dick.
35:08I'm not like, hey, that's our thing.
35:11And again, I'm not an idiot.
35:13I'm not going to wear blackface or a turban.
35:14I'm just trying to figure it out.
35:16I was using chopsticks the other day.
35:18My wife goes, oh, that's appropriation.
35:20I was like, well, where were you?
35:21She goes, I just did yoga.
35:22I'm like, well, that's Indian.
35:23And you work in IT.
35:27So what are we doing here?
35:29So we discussed it.
35:30We realized you can do the thing.
35:31You just can't put up a photo.
35:33That's where they get you.
35:34And I think that makes sense.
35:35Because I'm circumcised, but I'm not Jewish.
35:37But they got mad when I posted that picture.
35:43I don't know.
35:44I thought it was all about the groups coming together and mixing and blending.
35:46I thought that was a good thing.
35:47Like, I saw a Muslim woman recently at a restaurant.
35:49She was chewing out the waitress.
35:50She was like, I want to speak to your manager.
35:52My friend goes, watch out for her.
35:53She's a real Karen.
35:54I was like, well, she's Muslim.
35:55She's more of a Koran.
36:01But I think we've made a lot of progress racially.
36:03We're not perfect, but we've made a lot of progress.
36:05I don't know why we hate admitting that so much.
36:06It's a good thing.
36:07You know how you can tell we made progress?
36:08The website Yelp.
36:09That's a good gauge for a society.
36:11This is a real Yelp girl I saw recently.
36:13Mmm, Shake Shack.
36:15That name's a little offensive to people with Parkinson's.
36:17Wow, really?
36:19We are out of problems, huh?
36:22That's where we're at?
36:23That's a good sign, though.
36:24Could you imagine Yelp in the 50s?
36:25People had real problems back then.
36:27Every review would just be a bunch of black people like,
36:29we didn't get in.
36:32Look good to the window.
36:33We'll try again in 14 years.
36:37America, one star.
36:40You know who I want to hear from is that first black family
36:43that got let into the white restaurant
36:44after all those years.
36:45They finally sit down on the calendar like,
36:47God damn, this food is bland.
36:49Holy shit.
36:50Good lord.
36:52MLK died for this?
36:54Coleslaw with raisins?
36:55Come on!
36:59Another sign of progress?
37:00Freak shows.
37:01Those went away.
37:02We got rid of them.
37:03Very insensitive.
37:04That was nice of us.
37:05I went to one as a kid.
37:06They were crazy.
37:06Got a top hat and a hunchback.
37:08He was like, step right up.
37:09We've got some most fucked up, disgusting creatures
37:12in all the land.
37:13Over here, we've got the 200 pound boy.
37:16Eww.
37:17And the tattooed man, head to toe.
37:19And the bearded lady.
37:20Whoa.
37:21Like, well, wait a minute.
37:22A fat kid?
37:22A tatted up guy and a trans woman?
37:24I can see all that on a Jet Blue flight.
37:28Those aren't freaks anymore.
37:29That's the exit row.
37:31That's progress.
37:34Kinda makes you wonder,
37:35what would a freak show now be?
37:36A modern day freak show.
37:37A shit you never see in society.
37:39Like, step right up.
37:40We've got the homeless Jew.
37:42Whoa.
37:45Never seen that before.
37:47And over here, the Mexican.
37:49Who can dunk?
37:50What?
37:53And the rarest of all, the funny lady.
38:00I'm just kidding.
38:02Joking.
38:02Some of my favorite comedians are lesbians.
38:08But all we talk about now is how divided we are.
38:10And we are.
38:11But we used to be a lot worse.
38:12We've got to remember that.
38:12Like, my grandmother is Sicilian.
38:14Right off the boat.
38:15Thick accent.
38:16When I was a kid, she'd put me on her lap.
38:17She was like, when I was a girl,
38:18I couldn't go to that party, that restaurant, that college.
38:21They didn't allow Sicilians.
38:23You're just thinking, Sicilian?
38:24That's so specific.
38:24But that's how it used to be.
38:26In old America, the Irish showed up on boats.
38:28And everybody's like, look at these blue-eyed, freckled,
38:30red-haired, potato-eating, drunk pieces of shit.
38:33Then, eventually, the Italians showed up.
38:35And everybody's like, look at these swarthy,
38:36meatball-greasy, wap-dago, guinea motherfuckers.
38:40Then, eventually, black people showed up.
38:42And everybody's like, we've got to stick together.
38:49This is different.
38:52Then, then, then 9-11 happened.
38:54We're all like, hey, get over here, brother.
38:56We hate them now.
38:57You know?
38:58Well, that's what a country needs is a common enemy.
39:00A common enemy will always bring a country together.
39:02That's why we need aliens to land on Earth.
39:04Once Martians land on Earth,
39:05we can all come together as a human race
39:06and make them work at Amazon.
39:08Huh?
39:10Yeah, put down the leaf blower, Jose.
39:12Glurk-gurk's the real alien.
39:15You're one of us, baby.
39:19Then, you're going to have some queef going,
39:20hey, you can't say alien.
39:21You've got to say unearthed person.
39:23Hey.
39:24You have two aliens in every movie.
39:26Two aliens, one cup.
39:27Up, up, up, up, up, up.
39:32And you know where we get screwed up as a society?
39:34We think our differences are why we don't get along.
39:36Black versus white.
39:37Men versus women.
39:38Straight versus gay.
39:38But it's not the differences.
39:40Because when you think about it,
39:41all the groups that hate each other the most
39:42look exactly the same.
39:44Right?
39:44North Korea, South Korea.
39:46I mean, that's just one big squid game to me.
39:49I can't tell that part.
39:51They look identical.
39:53Jew, Palestine,
39:54just a bunch of falafel slinging eyebrows out there,
39:56you know?
39:57They look very similar.
39:58The Bloods and the Crips,
40:00they'd literally have to wear different color clothing
40:01and just be like,
40:02oh shit, I almost shot you, man.
40:03God damn.
40:05I'm telling you,
40:06all the groups that hate each other the most
40:07look exactly the same.
40:08Women.
40:08They've been fighting for centuries.
40:10Russia, Ukraine.
40:11Bunch of angry vodka monkeys out there,
40:13you know?
40:15India, Pakistan.
40:16I mean, that's just a big diarrhea factory,
40:18I assume.
40:21Right?
40:22All the groups that hate each other the most
40:24look exactly the same.
40:25Women.
40:34But I think it's good to have friends
40:36of other ethnicities,
40:37other races.
40:37You learn a lot.
40:38You can have real conversations.
40:39My black friend always blows my mind.
40:41He told me recently that white people have no culture.
40:43I was like, what?
40:44I couldn't believe it.
40:44I was like, we got stuff.
40:45We got NASCAR,
40:47and Bass Pro Shop,
40:48and kissing dogs on the mouth.
40:51We got New Balance,
40:53we got New Balance,
40:53Monster Energy drinks,
40:55kale,
40:55speaking to the manager,
40:56school shootings,
40:58trailer park,
40:58hacky sack,
41:00banjo,
41:01line dancing,
41:02bland food,
41:04aging terribly,
41:06don't stop.
41:10That's white culture.
41:11That's white culture.
41:11All right.
41:13Always fascinating when a black guy says white people have no culture,
41:16because black people are the best at pointing out white culture.
41:19You ever watching Shark Week with a black friend,
41:21to some scuba guy with 10 sharks around him,
41:23your black friend's like,
41:24that's some white people shit.
41:27That's just another term for white culture.
41:29Yeah, whiteys got stuff.
41:30When I was a baby,
41:31my dad taught me how to swim by throwing me in a pool.
41:34Do that to a black kid.
41:35That's a fucking homicide.
41:39That's honky shit right there.
41:42You know what else is white culture?
41:44Homoerotic behavior.
41:45I grew up with eight white dudes flicking me in the nuts,
41:47titty twister me, credit card swiping me.
41:49Try to teabag a black guy.
41:50He will shoot you in the face.
41:51All right?
41:53That is Cracker Barrel right there, boy.
41:58Though my friend, he wouldn't let up.
41:59He's like, I'm just saying,
42:00you guys don't really contribute to society.
42:02I was like, well, what about the inventions?
42:04Car, radio, TV, photograph, flight.
42:06He was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
42:07You didn't invent that stuff.
42:08Bunch of old white guys invented that.
42:10You can't take credit for that.
42:11All right, fair enough.
42:12Then he doubled down.
42:13Then he's like, and we would have invented that stuff
42:14if you didn't enslave us.
42:17I was like, well,
42:19I don't want to take credit for a bunch of stuff
42:23some old white guys did, huh?
42:26And he was like, ooh, that was slick.
42:27The way you weaseled out of that
42:28and didn't take any blame, that was good.
42:30I was like, yeah, that was some white people shit.
42:35But, you know, stereotypes are so dumb.
42:37That's why you got to make fun of them.
42:38Black people love chicken.
42:39I love chicken.
42:40Irish people are drunks.
42:41I'm a drunk.
42:43Islamist bomb.
42:44I'm...
42:44Ah, shit.
42:45Well, you know.
42:48Um...
42:49We have any Irish here?
42:51Oh, hey.
42:52Well, Irish, you guys are fun
42:53because you guys get made fun of a lot
42:55and you never get offended.
42:56Rolls right off your back.
42:57Think about it.
42:57We have a drink called the Irish Car Bomb.
43:01This is the thing that's killed thousands of Irish people
43:03and we just order at a bar.
43:06No other group could handle that.
43:08Can I be like, uh, let me get a holocaust on the rocks?
43:12You know what? Scratch that.
43:14Give me a sandy hook, make it a shooter.
43:19The Irish can take it.
43:23And they say the Irish are the N-words of Europe
43:25and if you rearrange the letters in ginger,
43:27I'm just saying.
43:31But yeah, I like to drink.
43:33I've cut back quite a bit.
43:34I used to have a real problem in my 20s.
43:37Oof.
43:37We used to get drunk, play these crazy games.
43:39You guys ever play, uh, driving?
43:44You kill somebody, you lose, you know.
43:47Well, you youngsters, you got Uber now.
43:49Back in my day,
43:50we had to white-knuckle that puppy all the way home.
43:51Remember that?
43:52One eye open, you're like, ba-boom.
43:54Hope that was a mailbox.
43:55Oh, baby.
43:57Why would they put a mailbox in a playground?
44:02Uber gets no credit.
44:03They're heroes.
44:04They've saved so many drunk lives.
44:06Ambulance gets all the credit,
44:07but they showed up after the accident.
44:08Uber prevented the accident, right?
44:10Ambulance is the abortion.
44:11Uber is the condom.
44:12Yes.
44:14Uber has saved my life 10,000 times.
44:16And how do I thank them?
44:17Five stars.
44:19No tip.
44:23Now, texting and driving, that's the big worry now.
44:26And I'm guilty of that, too.
44:26I gotta cut that out.
44:27I was driving the other day, I was texting my friend.
44:29I was like, oh, man, I'm so fucking hammered.
44:35You guys ever do that?
44:36You ever on the highway for 20 minutes texting, you look up, you're like, whoa, that was actually
44:40really dangerous.
44:43I'm like four lanes over, I'm in a different town, I'm lucky to be alive.
44:47All right, I gotta stop texting and finish his beer.
44:49What the hell am I doing, huh?
44:53All right, all right, all right.
44:59I got pulled over once for texting and driving, that was embarrassing.
45:02Cop was like, you know how dangerous that is, looking at a screen?
45:05I look at his car, he's got a goddamn laptop on the dash.
45:09You got a lot of nerve, copper.
45:12I got a tiny screen going directions, you're watching Rodney King reruns over here.
45:16You know?
45:17Yeah.
45:19We worked it out, he let me go, turns out we're both watching porn.
45:22So, all good.
45:26I don't know, I had a weird child.
45:27I grew up in New Orleans, you know, getting a DUI there is like our bar mitzvah.
45:31Yeah.
45:33Yeah, it's a wild time.
45:35Growing up in New Orleans is not great.
45:37Visiting, fun.
45:38Growing up in New Orleans is like having a dad who sells drugs.
45:41Your friend's like, well, this is awesome.
45:43I'm like, hey, I could use a hug and a vegetable.
45:45All right?
45:46You don't have to live here all the time, you know?
45:49Yeah.
45:50But now I'm trying to grow up.
45:52Bought a little house in Brooklyn with the wife.
45:56Trying to be a grown up, so I hired a stylish gay guy to decorate the house.
46:00My wife and this guy are fighting like cats and dogs, butting heads on everything.
46:04He's looking at me like, what's all this about?
46:05And I realized, oh, you're gay.
46:07You've never argued with a woman.
46:10You don't know what you're in for, man.
46:11You brought a knife to a mass shooting.
46:13All right?
46:15She's good, too.
46:16She's bringing up old texts, bringing up stuff from six months ago.
46:18I'm like, dude, you're at a spelling bee and she's Indian.
46:21You're cooked.
46:21All right?
46:24I tell you, it's weird watching your wife fight with another guy.
46:26Because it's usually me.
46:27So I'm watching her make all these mistakes.
46:28I feel like a boxing corner man.
46:30I'm like, ooh, don't say calm down.
46:32Oh.
46:34What an amateur.
46:36Well, gay guys are the best, huh?
46:38Fun, non-violent.
46:39You never meet any violent gay guys.
46:41There's no gay gangs.
46:42That would just be a musical.
46:43Right?
46:46The only violent gay guy I can think of is Jeffrey Dahmer.
46:49That was a hell of a Netflix show, huh?
46:51I remember at one point they'd bring his dad in the police station like,
46:54Sir, we have crazy news.
46:55Your son is a homosexual.
46:56He's a serial killer.
46:57And he's a cannibal.
46:58And it was set in the 80s.
47:00So the dad was like, oh, he's gay?
47:02Jesus Christ.
47:04Hoo-wee.
47:06I don't know what went wrong.
47:08The cop was like, no, no, sir, he's eating men.
47:10He's like, yeah, I got it.
47:16Oh, yeah.
47:17I have to watch all that true crime stuff because my wife is,
47:19you know, a white woman.
47:22And I don't know how you ladies watch this stuff.
47:24I'll be watching a boxing match.
47:25My wife's like, it's so violent.
47:26Change the channel.
47:27We put it on Dateline.
47:28It's a woman who was beaten to death with a tire iron.
47:29I'm like, hey, mine had a referee.
47:31All right?
47:33I go, what do you like about this?
47:34The murder? The violence?
47:35She goes, no, I like the scandal.
47:37I like the gossip part.
47:38I was like, ah, that makes sense.
47:39Because, ladies, when you're young, you start small.
47:41You're like, ooh, Billy kissed Susie under the bleachers.
47:43That's crazy.
47:44Then after a while, you're like, oh, I need incest and a hitchhiker.
47:47You know?
47:49Well, it's the same with men with porn.
47:50When I was 15, I was like, oh, my God, boobs.
47:52That's crazy.
47:53Then after a while, you're like, ah, I need incest and a hitchhiker.
47:57But we're not gonna get political.
47:59Everything's so goddamn tribal now, it's brutal.
48:01Like, Taylor Swift, she endorsed Kamala Harris.
48:03People started burning her records.
48:05I was like, huh, nobody burned R. Kelly's.
48:10I feel like what he did was a little worse, you know?
48:12She's just voting for a lady.
48:13He's got ladies tied up in a dungeon, you know?
48:16I'm like, I'm a hypocrite.
48:17I didn't burn mine either.
48:18I peed on mine.
48:19I felt appropriate.
48:23Whole country's divided.
48:24You know, you go down to Texas.
48:25They got whole different rules down there.
48:26It's down in Texas.
48:28It's like the land of the free, right?
48:29The land of the free, but you can't watch porn on your phone.
48:32Huh.
48:33Jerking off to Ted Cruz over here.
48:35I'm like, what the hell?
48:37I was like, okay, all right.
48:38So I can't look at porn.
48:40I can't buy weed and I can't get abortion.
48:41What can I do?
48:42My friend's like, you can buy a gun.
48:43I'm like, well, I'm gonna need one to blow my brains out.
48:45Ha.
48:46Ha.
48:48Um.
48:49All right.
48:50Oh, hey.
48:51There you go.
48:53And I know abortion's a real room divider.
48:55And a baby divider.
48:56But, um...
48:58Well, people say abortion is murder.
49:00I'm like, all right.
49:01Well, murder is gonna trial.
49:03Get an abortion, you'll be able to plead your case.
49:05Might have a great reason.
49:06You know, the girls in the courtroom are like,
49:07come on, your honor.
49:07I had to do it.
49:08I mean, I fucked a DJ.
49:12Self-defense at this point, you know?
49:15Judge's like, I didn't know that.
49:16You know what?
49:17Scratch it.
49:21Oh, yeah.
49:22Uh-huh.
49:23These are wacky times, you know?
49:25Like, I don't know, I've been a Democrat my whole life,
49:27but, uh, Democrats used to be a lot cooler.
49:29You know?
49:30We were listening to rock and roll and doing drugs,
49:32and then we used to laugh at the right.
49:33Like, oh, look at these stiffs going to church
49:35and burning rap records.
49:37Then, uh, a little time went by,
49:38and liberals got pretty queefy.
49:41Yeah?
49:42They were like the free speech people.
49:44And now they're like,
49:44don't joke about this, don't say that word.
49:46And you're like, man.
49:47Then you look at the little right,
49:48and they're like, we're saying retard over here.
49:50Just letting you know.
49:51I don't know.
49:52I don't know.
49:52I don't know.
49:52That was pretty good.
49:53I don't know.
49:54I don't know.
49:56What happened to the left?
49:57The left feels like a girl you met in college.
49:59She was wild as you would do Molly
50:01and blow you to concert.
50:02Everything was great.
50:03Then you got married.
50:04Then you got a little stale.
50:06You got a little tense.
50:06You can't bring up anything.
50:07You have to agree on everything.
50:08You have to sleep on the couch, you know?
50:10And the right's like a girl with a thong
50:12coming out of her jeans and a tongue ring.
50:13And you're like, well, I'm not going to marry her,
50:15but it'd be fun to dabble.
50:17You know?
50:20But you stay with the wife.
50:21She's a good person.
50:22You love her.
50:22But you just want to go,
50:23hey, you've changed, bitch.
50:25Yeah.
50:27I don't know.
50:28Everybody's just,
50:29we just have good box, bad box.
50:30No one has any nuance.
50:32Nuance is out.
50:32Nuance is the new N word.
50:34That's it.
50:34It's over.
50:36People want to know,
50:36what side are you on?
50:37I'm like, I don't know.
50:38You both seem fucking annoying.
50:40Right?
50:42Scary.
50:43Isn't that weird we have two political parties?
50:45No, we got five HBOs.
50:48Two political parties.
50:50And it just feels like the government.
50:51They're like your parents.
50:53They're not trying to help us.
50:54They're just trying to get back at each other.
50:55Your mom's a liberal.
50:57Your dad's a Republican.
50:58You're like, hey, dad.
50:59You know, mom.
50:59She's trying to give me free money.
51:00Your dad's like, well,
51:01she also tried to abort you.
51:02Like, Jesus Christ.
51:03Okay.
51:05Whew.
51:06Fine.
51:06I'll live with you.
51:09Yeah.
51:10RFK.
51:10He's trying to take away my fucking Pop-Tarts.
51:13Yeah.
51:14Uh.
51:15No, it's...
51:16We could slim down a little bit.
51:18We're eating horrible food.
51:19But he's the real...
51:20He's the voice of a generation.
51:21Yeah.
51:23Yeah.
51:24Yeah.
51:26Well, he was a liberal his whole life.
51:27Then Trump got shot and he got on board.
51:29I guess RFK figured, well,
51:30now that he's been shot,
51:31he feels like family.
51:32Yeah.
51:35Okay.
51:36Um.
51:38All right.
51:38Hey.
51:39Comedy.
51:40Uh.
51:42But, you know, I'm gonna go pick up, uh...
51:45I picked up Kamala's book today.
51:46Read the whole thing.
51:47It's really long and had no point.
51:50But, um.
51:51Uh.
51:52Okay.
51:53But I think gay guys are gonna save this country.
51:56Every town I go to,
51:57there's always a local guy who goes,
51:58five years ago,
51:59you couldn't set foot in this area.
52:00Another but shootings, gangs, violence.
52:02I go, what happened?
52:03No matter where I'm at,
52:04they always say the same thing.
52:05The gays came in.
52:07I think gay guys are slowly fixing up neighborhoods
52:09and no one's talking about it.
52:10We should be airdropping gays
52:12into, like, Detroit, downtown L.A.,
52:14Newark, Memphis, South Bronx.
52:16Did you see those giant rainbow parachutes open up?
52:19Like, hey!
52:21We're getting a dog park!
52:26Yeah!
52:27Yeah!
52:29Right?
52:31Yeah, Chicago's got some problems.
52:33Get the gays in there.
52:34Queer eye for the south side.
52:35Huh?
52:37What about the Middle East?
52:38They could use some pizazz.
52:39Let's put some gays in the...
52:41Scratch that.
52:43Yeah, gay guys are impressive.
52:45They're like bees.
52:45Just put them somewhere.
52:46They start working.
52:47Gay guys even talk like bees.
52:49You better work, honey.
52:50Yes, queen.
52:51Right?
52:53And the government's in shamble.
52:54Let's get some gays in the government.
52:55I always hear we need a female president
52:57or a president of color.
52:58Let's try a gay president.
52:59Forget MAGA.
53:00Let's go FAGA.
53:04Thanks a lot.
53:05I'm Kevin Hart.
53:05You guys are great.
53:07Coming!
53:21Alright.
53:50omdat
53:50let's go
53:50ever
53:50weird
53:50is
53:50muchcz
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