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00:22Hello and welcome to Top Gear ambitious but rubbish, a towering example of why you should
00:29pay attention in school. Or shouldn't pay attention, I'm not actually sure.
00:35Yes! We're taking on a hell of a lot of water!
00:42I'm sorry! Ventress!
00:49We start this program with a public service. You see, if you have a disability and you want to go
00:56rambling, you are limited to a few fairly tame all-terrain machines. We thought we could do
01:02better, so we each went away and came up with what we thought were true go-anywhere mobility scooters.
01:09This is exactly the sort of damp, muddy countryside that ramblists love. Ideal conditions then to test
01:17our machines.
01:19This is what I've created. I built it from two scooters, so I've ended up with two engines,
01:26four-wheel drive, the four at the back, and four-wheel steering, the four at the front. It's got chunky
01:32off-road lawnmower tyres, a sound system and binoculars for bird watching. And with that in mind,
01:39check this out. This is a hide that fits over the top of the scooter so I can sneak up
01:45silently
01:46without frightening even the most timid bird. Birds such as the pied wagtail and the, um,
01:53the coot. Crikey!
01:57Stephen Hawking has arrived.
02:00Were you not listening to the challenge?
02:02Yes.
02:03It said mobility scooters, off-road. Well, forgive me for taking it maybe a bit too seriously, but
02:10as far as I can make out, mobility scooters are for people who have difficulty walking.
02:15Mm-hmm.
02:15I'm concerned with people who have no choice but to be in this, which is a wheelchair.
02:20And why shouldn't people in wheelchairs be able to go rambling?
02:24You are right. I was with some disabled children the other day and they're all confined to wheelchairs,
02:29they're all electric, and they were all saying they wished they were a bit more spunky,
02:33I think was the word they used. Well, fast was actually the word they used.
02:36This isn't fast, if I'm honest, but it's versatile. That's the idea. It's go anywhere.
02:40Because once you get out into the countryside, you can't do that.
02:44You've got a coffee... So you've got a coffee machine on it?
02:46I've got everything.
02:47I've got drinks, I have sat nav and comms, an electronic tablet.
02:51You mean an iPad.
02:52Exactly.
02:54What's this on the back?
02:55It's a gravel dispenser that puts gravel under the wheels.
02:58I've got the idea from the railways. So if you get a bit stuck in a boggy bit...
03:01What's this handle for?
03:03Ah, that's very clever. You see, when you're going up or down a steep bit,
03:06but you want to remain level, you wind that and it changes the angle of the seat.
03:10At this point, the peace of the morning was shattered by the arrival of the local boy.
03:16That is him making that noise, isn't it?
03:18It is. He looks like an idiot.
03:20Well, he is an idiot.
03:22He has built a half-track.
03:24Gentlemen, hello!
03:28I know.
03:29I know.
03:29Surely it's supposed to be, well, A, electric and B, not for invading France.
03:33No, where did it say that it's supposed to be electric?
03:36Well, isn't it in the regulations?
03:38No, it doesn't have to be electric.
03:39Let me talk you through what I've done here.
03:40The chassis, it's composed of two different vehicles. A mobility trike here, that's his front end.
03:46Then it's mated to one of those powered wheelbarrows that builders use for carting huge amounts of stuff over rugged
03:52terrain.
03:53Obviously, that gives it tremendous off-road capability.
03:56And in such an environment, you will need extras, so I've fitted a winch.
03:59Mm-hmm.
04:00Oh, not again.
04:01I have mated it.
04:02Have you mounted it to the front wings?
04:03No, it's to the chassis this time.
04:05I've learned. I've learned that one.
04:06Right, good.
04:06I've got an inclinometer because this can achieve incredible angles of lean, this way and that way.
04:12Yes, jerry cans for extra fuel.
04:14Can I just say this? This is actually important.
04:16We not only had to build machines that worked better than what you can buy off the shelf off-road,
04:21but were cheaper.
04:22This is the most important thing. Now, mine, all in, £2,700.
04:29£2,400.
04:31Really?
04:32£1,200 for the trike, £1,200 for the wheelbarrow, the rest was just sweat and work.
04:36Interesting.
04:37Well, what was yours?
04:38£2,000.
04:40Is it?
04:40So that represents a massive saving.
04:43Well, there we are.
04:44If you were disabled and you want to go into the countryside...
04:48Hello.
04:48Exactly.
04:49Exactly.
04:51Obviously, we'd test our machines in the hills later, but first, we had to make sure they worked in town.
04:59This, of course, is very important. A Range Rover doesn't just work in the countryside. It has to work in
05:07the city as well.
05:08And so must this.
05:11Coming down.
05:18I'll do what I normally do in town, which is go into the bakers.
05:23Morning.
05:24Have you got an iced finger?
05:29Morning.
05:31There are many regulations, as you would imagine, this being Britain, governing the use of mobility scooters.
05:38And this meets almost all of them.
05:41I'm good for width.
05:43I'm good for length.
05:44I'm good for speed.
05:46But I do have a problem with weight.
05:48And so does my scooter.
05:52Excuse me.
05:53Would you be... I'd hate to do this, because I'm trying to get down there and it's a bit stuck.
05:59I'm so sorry.
06:02Sorry, sorry.
06:03It's not quite as easy as it looks.
06:06And again, sorry.
06:08Bye.
06:08Bye.
06:11Well, policemen, got to be careful at the speed limit.
06:13I'm only allowed to do four miles an hour in built-up areas.
06:18That's more than four.
06:20I feel the speed!
06:22The speed!
06:24Four miles an hour, officer.
06:26You look really uncomfortable in there.
06:28Well, it's my first time.
06:29Yeah, well, there you go.
06:31Yeah, I have done that a few times.
06:31The first time you get in when your feet are going like this all the time, aren't they?
06:34Yeah.
06:35But it's all on this.
06:36All on this little wizard's hat thing.
06:39Just down there.
06:40Come on!
06:41All right, let's go.
06:42Okay, okay, okay.
06:43Hold on, hold on.
06:44Three, two, one, go!
06:49Oh, come on!
06:54That's all I got!
06:56Here's the big test.
06:58Will it fit in a disabled lavatory?
07:02Yep!
07:05Morning.
07:06Just browsing.
07:08Oh, oh, oh, that's mad.
07:10I'm sorry!
07:12I'm sorry.
07:17Despite the mishaps,
07:22we decided our machines worked well in an urban environment.
07:26So we headed back out to the fields, where my half track was even better.
07:32Seems able to tackle quite steep slopes, which is potentially good.
07:38Easy.
07:39Plenty of torque from that petrol engine.
07:42Adaptive suspension is working.
07:44Look at that, that just climbed up there as if it wasn't there.
07:48Check my wildlife screen.
07:50That's a blackbird.
07:52Okay, I'm driving now in stealth mode.
07:55Of course, you can't see that because I'm so well camouflaged and silent.
08:00I have to say, though, the four-wheel drive system is working magnificently well.
08:04The ride is good.
08:06The grip is good.
08:07I've built a landrover here.
08:12Oh, no, I've run over my hide!
08:15Since the hide clearly needed more work...
08:18Ah!
08:19F***!
08:20The producers told me to get rid of it, and then they gave us a challenge.
08:25You will now report to...
08:28Hmm.
08:29Choued...
08:30Choued dog?
08:31No.
08:31It's a Welsh thing.
08:33Choued...
08:35It's not clearing up there, is it?
08:36Choued dog.
08:38Where you will take part...
08:39Oh, God, in an off-road race.
08:42Hang on a minute, it gets worse.
08:44You will be working as a team against a group of wounded servicemen
08:48who will be using the off-the-shelf off-road scooters.
08:53The terrain we'd have to cross was brutal.
08:57Wet grass, mud and steep, wooded slopes.
09:00The finish line was on a mountain three kilometres away.
09:04And this is who we were up against.
09:09Your neck.
09:10Mark.
09:11Mark.
09:12Ben.
09:12Ben.
09:13So, let's just get the wounds worked out.
09:16Spinal injuries.
09:17Spinal injury.
09:18Right leg blowing the amputee.
09:20Right leg, so that's nothing...
09:21Yeah, do...
09:22Kick it as much as you want.
09:25Go on.
09:26And you are...
09:27Left arm, right leg.
09:29Left arm, right leg?
09:30Yeah.
09:31How do you do that?
09:33As I was spinning down, I landed on the ground.
09:34I think I landed on my arm first, which is crumbling.
09:37Is that a bomb?
09:37Yeah.
09:38Despite their injuries, though, they were feeling confident.
09:41Do you honestly think you're going to beat us?
09:43Yeah, definitely.
09:44It's fact.
09:44Just playing mental games with us down.
09:46Listen.
09:47Put some beers in it.
09:48Yeah.
09:49All right, then.
09:49How many?
09:50Case of beers.
09:51Case of beers.
09:51Case of beers.
09:52I was going to say three.
09:53Case of beers.
09:54Case of beers.
09:56The military boys used their orienteering skills to map out a manageable route for their scooters.
10:03Yeah, take it easy on the rocket on this.
10:05Yeah, that's what's going up.
10:06Yeah.
10:07We, however, were so confident in our engineering, we decided to go as the crow flies.
10:13We're being started with a traditional Welsh hunting horn.
10:28Go!
10:29Yeah!
10:31Yes!
10:33Yes!
10:35Go, go, go.
10:38Come on!
10:39Yay!
10:41We're at peace!
10:42This is full speed.
10:44I hate it when they make us do a race.
10:46I should have known.
10:48Well, boys.
10:51Let's get up this hill.
10:53Go, go, go, go, go.
10:56There's no question mine is faster than yours.
10:59And quieter.
11:04Oh, no, my steering's jammed.
11:07I'm losing traction completely.
11:09All right, go forward, go forward.
11:10Do a bit of convoy formation here, lads.
11:12That's a good effort.
11:13Go, go, go.
11:14Yes.
11:15Oh, no, I can just engage seat angle alteration.
11:26Oh.
11:31Well, sir, Ranulph May was stuck.
11:34What have you done?
11:34I went to help the orangutan.
11:36Try and get the bodywork off the wheel.
11:38If you try and turn the wheel to the left.
11:42This is a teamwork now, isn't it?
11:43Yeah, we're actually doing teamwork.
11:45What am I thinking of?
11:47I've got my gravel system to deploy.
11:50Watch this.
11:51Pulling the string dispenses gravel from the hopper in front of the wheels, improving traction.
11:58Deploy.
12:02All right.
12:02Hang on, all right.
12:04Go, go, go.
12:07Having mended Jeremy's scooter, Thunderbird One then had to rescue me.
12:13Oh, yes.
12:14Yes, yes, yes.
12:15Oh, this is just glorious.
12:19Tremendous.
12:22Stop it.
12:34It's down there, look.
12:36There, there, there, there.
12:39How did you get there?
12:42We'll see you again.
12:45I feel a great beer coming on.
12:48Hammond, they're ahead of us.
12:51Let's go.
12:53I'm going to bang the left here, Ben.
12:55Go on, go, go, go.
12:56Worried by the progress of our rivals, Hammond and I stopped to discuss our colleague.
13:02I mean, look at him, he's pretty pointless.
13:06So that is a bit of a, bit of a rise in the terrain there.
13:11Nope.
13:14Do we, in these unique circumstances, merely leave him or shoot him and leave him?
13:21Because we were working as a team, we decided to just leave him.
13:27I feel bad. I do, I feel bad.
13:29I'm getting better.
13:35Right.
13:36I think, I think, that way.
13:41The ProRider Road King is doing well here. A moment of actual progress.
13:48Mate, we're rolling.
13:51I was rolling, too, and had left Jeremy far behind.
13:55It's getting very muddy now, but that's okay. This is where tracks are absolutely perfect.
14:26It's going to get tricky up there, you know, with them contour lines.
14:29Yeah, let's keep doing what we're doing, yeah?
14:31Yeah.
14:31Doing all right?
14:31Riffy days.
14:33Sportster, this is ProRider Road King. Come in.
14:37I may need your winch a tiny bit.
14:40Oh, God.
14:42Once again, I had to abandon my pursuit of our rivals to go and rescue the orangutan.
14:48What have you done?
14:50Let it rock.
14:52Go on.
14:54Yeah, that's much better.
14:55That isn't...
14:56Oh, no!
14:59Lovely, lovely.
15:03The ProRider was eventually righted.
15:08But this teamwork nonsense wasn't getting us anywhere.
15:12Ram me!
15:19Jeremy.
15:21Go. It's going to be dark by the time I get there.
15:24Mate, I'm going to.
15:25Go. Be the team.
15:27Be the team.
15:27And beat the soldiers on the top gear thing that that's suddenly become.
15:32Yes.
15:33I'm not giving in, but I don't want you to wait anymore.
15:37So long, ProRider.
15:40Obviously, the servicemen were in the lead, but they were still taking the long way round.
15:46If I'm going to stand a chance of preserving my team's honour, I'm going to have to go straight up.
15:51Come on.
15:53Come on.
15:53Come on.
15:53Keep doing it.
15:54To help me, my rivals were starting to struggle.
15:58Look at that.
16:01Mate, and my leg's falling off.
16:11Nessa vehicles would have been just stumped by that.
16:15Are you stuck, Mark?
16:16Oh, fuck!
16:21Landed right on my GPS.
16:24Meanwhile, much further back.
16:28Now that my weight is on the back wheels, I have traction.
16:33Oh, yeah.
16:34I'm surfing now.
16:37Just pre-bend it outwards.
16:38Mark's control panel had snapped off in the form, and getting it fixed again had cost them precious time.
16:45Can you hear that?
16:46Yeah, I can hear some engine.
16:48I can hear Hammond.
16:49Hammond?
16:50There's no way you could have got up here that fast.
16:52Go, go, go.
16:57Come on, Unstoppable Sportster.
17:00I've got to pick my lines.
17:02Keep the thing as level as I can.
17:05That's it there, isn't it?
17:06There's something there.
17:07That's it.
17:07That's the summit.
17:10It's a race to the finish line.
17:13That's got to be it.
17:14That's got to be the summit out there.
17:17Come on!
17:20Last push now, boys.
17:24I'm going to make it.
17:27Keep going, keep going, keep going.
17:28Go, go, go, go, go.
17:29Last little bit.
17:33Yes!
17:33This is it.
17:34This is the summit.
17:37Oh.
17:41All right, lads.
17:43Welcome.
17:44Righto, mate.
17:45Well done.
17:46Well done.
17:47It's just me.
17:49Meanwhile, far, far away,
17:52Now, look at this.
17:53It's a 17th century pub.
17:56And look at that step there.
17:58Now, if you're in a normal,
17:59conventional electric wheelchair,
18:01that would be game over and no pint.
18:04But now, watch this.
18:08Full power.
18:13Hang on, hang on.
18:24Oh, cock.
18:26Still, could be worse.
18:29Fenton!
18:30Fenton!
18:33Fenton!
18:35Oh, Jesus Christ!
18:40There are times when we genuinely do our bit to help.
18:43But that wasn't one of them.
18:45Anyway, from a useless attempt to do something worthwhile,
18:48to a useless attempt to do something pointless.
18:51This is from our Winter Olympics special,
18:54where the producers had just told us we had to ski jump a car.
18:58Strangely, at the time, it made perfect sense.
19:11This is the ski jump at Lillehammer,
19:14the very one used in the 1994 Winter Olympics.
19:18It offers jumpers 400 feet of pure unbridled terror.
19:38Right, chaps, we have got to get that to jump further than him
19:44in the Top Gear Winter Olympics ski-slash-car-jumping champion.
19:52Hmm.
19:53A 20-year-old, slightly rusty Leyland Mini.
19:58So, let's work this out.
20:00Mini does 0-60 in what?
20:01About 14 seconds.
20:03Hang on, that's not going to be very relevant, though, is it?
20:06Because you're not going to get any grip off the tyres.
20:07All you've got up there is gravity.
20:09Oh, I know. Gravity's a cruel and unpredictable mistress, so...
20:12Well, no, it isn't.
20:12It's a constant all over the world.
20:15Well, this is quite simple, arithmetically.
20:16We've got... It's V equals U plus AT.
20:18We know what acceleration due to gravity is, 9.8 metres per second squared.
20:21But that's weight component down a plane, because it's on a slope.
20:24So, we need to get the mass of the car,
20:25and we need to know the angle of the slope,
20:27and then we need to work out also the angle
20:28when it gets to the lip where it jumps off,
20:30and that will give us V,
20:30and it will follow a sort of parabolic trajectory.
20:32We should be able to then calculate the exact point
20:34when the car comes and meets the snow.
20:36That's quite easy.
20:37I think we should go and get a cup of tea and work that out.
20:42So, come on, James.
20:43Hang on, hang on, hang on.
20:45Is gravity going to be enough to get the car down the ramp and beat the skier?
20:52No.
20:52Right.
20:53Then we have a huge problem.
20:54We need some more propulsion, because we can't use the engine,
20:58because that'll just spin the wheels.
20:59Right.
21:00Also, we can't put a driver in it, because obviously he'll be killed,
21:04so we're going to have to work something out on steering.
21:07That can be your job, OK?
21:08There's another problem.
21:10Once it's set off, we've got to stop it at some point,
21:12otherwise it'll just soar over there and take out Lilyhammer.
21:15So, I'll work out a way of stopping it.
21:18Right. Guidance for you.
21:20Stopping.
21:20Braking for you, and then I'll figure out some way of...
21:24Power.
21:25Power.
21:26Sally, I'll do the power.
21:27Let's get about our business.
21:29Yes. Right.
21:30I'll take my tea.
21:31Earl Grey in Norway.
21:32Whoever would have thought it, I know.
21:36Our first job was to mark the point where the skier had landed,
21:39so we knew the distance to beat.
21:43Unfortunately, James was no Sir Edmund Hillary.
21:46Don't mind. You've got to paint it across.
21:50There you go. I've done it.
21:51No, no. You've got to get it across the whole way across.
21:53No, that'll do.
21:54It won't do.
22:00Shut up.
22:06With James proving his own laws of gravity,
22:09I got on with the business of power.
22:12Hi. Is that the United Kingdom Rocketry Association?
22:16Yeah, it's Jeremy Clarkson here from Top Gear,
22:19and I need some rockets.
22:22Soon, though, it went dark, so we went to the pub.
22:27Nice to meet you.
22:28Daniel.
22:28The next morning, the Rocketeers arrived and announced
22:31that they could give the Mini twice as much thrust, pound for pound,
22:35than an F-15 jet fighter.
22:37I've taken drag, aerodynamic drag, friction, gravity,
22:43and the thrust of three contrail hybrid rocket motors into it.
22:45This is rocket science?
22:46This is rocket science.
22:48By this stage, Spider-Man had finally got to the top of the ski jump.
22:52When the skier goes down, how does he... how does he... how does he stay in the middle?
23:00Oh, in... it has tracks.
23:02Grooves.
23:03Liquid nitrous oxide.
23:05Yeah.
23:05And that's got all the oxygen in it.
23:07Yeah.
23:07And in the bottom end, fuel, which is rubber.
23:11Don't... here's a tip.
23:13Please, I'm a doctor of engineering twice.
23:15If you use rubber as fuel, you're not going to go as far as if you use like petrol or
23:21dynamite.
23:22Hey, Jeremy, do you think you could mount it on skis?
23:28Why does he want skis?
23:29Just trust me, if you put it on the skis, I can keep it dead straight.
23:32I'll have to make them.
23:33Well, yes. Obviously, we can't go to the ski rental shop and say,
23:37have you got some skis for a mini?
23:43James, the track is 1300 millimetres.
23:48And with those measurements, the Icemen could now cut their special grooves.
24:01Oh, yes.
24:04If I lose it now, I'm going to end up in the Lilyhammer Asda.
24:09I'm on drill in this team.
24:11Rocket scientists have found a job for me to do.
24:14Does anyone want Earl Grey?
24:16No.
24:18With my skis fitted, the rockets installed and the ice grooves coming along nicely.
24:26James and I dropped in on Hammond to inspect his snowbank.
24:30I can guarantee that won't stop the mini.
24:34Partly because it's not substantial enough,
24:37but mostly because you've built that in front of that slope,
24:41and the mini is coming down that one.
24:45Right.
24:47Righto.
24:48What a complete...
24:52Some adjustments.
24:53Did nobody tell you?
24:55No, obviously, or I'd have built it over there.
25:00That is fairly embarrassing.
25:02What I need is a big machine.
25:08So, I got myself a peace basher.
25:15With this, I am going to construct something that will rival the Hoover Dam.
25:20Those two muppets will not be laughing at me now.
25:23And to speed things up, I even drafted in a herd of tractors.
25:33While Philip Schofield was building the Great Wall of Lillehammer...
25:37Oh, yeah.
25:40The rocket car, primed with one and a half tonnes of explosive thrust,
25:45began its long journey to the top of the jump.
25:51And half an hour later, the ice grooves were ready for Chris Bonington's approval.
25:55I'm not...
25:56Please don't come near me.
25:57I'm not touching you.
25:58Go over there.
25:59I'm not... Look, I'm...
26:00I'm nowhere near you.
26:01That's really nice.
26:12This has never been done before.
26:14No.
26:15We are, in fact, at the cutting edge of cocking about.
26:20The time for cocking about, however, was over.
26:24The wall was finished.
26:25The target was laid down.
26:27Sort of.
26:28And we were now in the hands of the rocket men.
26:34I'm filling the rockets.
26:36It's going to be an appalling mess.
26:41An explosion.
26:42An explosion.
26:43A burning mini coming down on its roof.
26:46Venting.
26:47Red.
26:48White.
26:49Blue.
26:50Confirm.
26:51Venting.
26:52In three, two, one, purge.
26:57Come on, Mini!
26:58Armed.
27:00Five, four, three, two, one, initiate.
27:22The wall's going to be needed!
27:28We were a bit short.
27:30We didn't beat the ski jump gun.
27:32How well did it ski?
27:33Uh-oh!
27:39The Wallace!
27:48Well, that had never been tried before.
27:50Unlike our next item, which had.
27:53by us you see we'd already made amphibious cars once and it had gone um badly so naturally the
28:01producers told us to have another crack it's sort of like that million monkeys million typewriters
28:07principle or something there we are now obviously my um original plan of simply bolting a very large
28:19outboard engine to the back of a pickup truck worked very well uh until it rolled over so to
28:25prevent that happening again what i've done is i've welded up the doors much more thoroughly this
28:29time that should stop water getting into the cockpit and sloshing from side to side in the back i've
28:36fitted these big drums which when i go in the water i simply lower them like this so they're like
28:43sort
28:43of stabilizers on a child's bicycle and uh that should give me more um um um stability yes that
28:59next hammond arrived
29:03yeah no you see hammond yes what you've done there mate is you parked a van on top of a
29:11boat no no
29:11no it's brilliant let me tell you it is a refinement of the theory check it out flying
29:16bridge completely equipped it's not a flying bridge more or less and this is where the girls go
29:21up here no richard in bikinis i'm already seeing the problem would you like to step down yes
29:27stand at the wheel yes look ahead yeah that is an issue i i need a box i need a
29:35sailing box
29:36as before richard had stuck with the cabin creaser principal and as before to make it move in the
29:42water he'd simply fixed a propeller to the volkswagen's rear mounted engine so as you're driving down the
29:48road this propeller is turning a bit have you run the highways department and told them you're driving
29:54a car with effectively a blender on the back and there was another issue this is your hull yes it
30:00is these are holes in it fiberglass yes they are well that's for the wheels to stick out i've seen
30:06titanic got a hole in it sank well no but i've sealed them around the arches with a bit of
30:10foam oh
30:10i see so if titanic had been filled with foam fine it would have been here today yeah but they
30:14didn't
30:14know that they're technology you can't knock them for that fiberglass hole predominantly barely tips
30:18to scale over five tons and the cooling yeah yeah yeah oh yeah there's that yeah jeremy then showed
30:25off his handiwork you've set fire to it there was a small fire what happened the welding oh yeah and
30:31then uh while waiting for james oh again ambitious so you're thinking of what to occupy yourself with
30:37whilst out on the walls you sink again no not this time it will it will it won't it will
30:43it just won't
30:47some time much later james arrived in a flurry of deja vu it's the same vehicle the same car
30:56well not exactly no but exactly the same car it is the same car and the reason for that is
31:01my car
31:02if you remember worked it didn't every time you got to a low bridge your mast was that did
31:07happen now i have a collapsible mast and i have a spinnaker and i also have a keel cum center
31:16board
31:16how do you get that underneath it you drop it down through the slot like you do on a dinghy
31:21that's a whopper have you seen this that's where the water will be the water will just simply what's
31:26the word we're looking for come through there and your sink before you put your bit of water because
31:31i've calculated it using archimedes when a body is wholly or partially immersed in a fluid that
31:36experiences an up thrust equal in magnitude to the mass of the fluid displaced this won't work
31:42we'll soon find out thank you so much here's our challenge come on then
31:50is it bad yes i know really bad
31:54go you will now drive to dover no not and then you will cross the channel to france that's no
32:05that's what is it 22 miles he's not making it up mine won't do that if i'd known it was
32:11the sea
32:11i'd have fitted a bigger anchor that's not really a sea-going anchor is it and a longer chain yeah
32:17i'm
32:17not going to need that oh this will sink within 30 feet i'm not sure i reckon my new revised
32:23halt it's
32:24going to be killed no we're going to be killed no we're not because mine's essentially a dinghy
32:28and dinghy sail across the channel every day i'm 47 years old i'm going to be run down by a
32:33korean
32:33grain carrier minced yeah but what a day before we could set off james had to take down his new
32:41collapsible mast oh timber oh that's the lamp um france here we come what's it actually course on
32:51the security camera so would you admit that your design is already flawed no
33:02finally we were on the road and it soon became clear that all the additions had taken the edge
33:08off my nissank's performance mind you why was i hurrying i'm just gonna bring a solicitor do my last
33:19will and testament leave everything to the lifeboat people i can't believe they're asking us to go
33:25across the channel in them when i'm following jeremy's pickup and it looks like a man with a pickup who's
33:30stolen an outboard motor and a couple of oil drums on the way to a fishing trip
33:41james as usual had fallen behind but otherwise all was well in his world
33:47this is fantastic i absolutely cannot wait
33:51to try out my triumph herald in its newly re-rigged form and sail across the channel why shouldn't it
33:57work
33:58i had just one crumb of comfort this time mine was working on the road but then the crumb went
34:06away
34:12oh god look at them they are worse than they were last time on the road and we've got a
34:18much bigger
34:19challenge on the water mind you after five miles hammond was beyond caring
34:27it is like the west indian dope smoking team practicing in the car soon we arrived in dover
34:37we would be launching from the slipway once used by the giant cross-channel hovercrafts spread
34:43before it was dover harbor and beyond the safety of its walls 22 miles of english channel
34:50the busiest shipping lane in the world
34:57the fishing rods
35:04amazingly the only things that did actually break on the nissan's journey to dover were all its brakes
35:11i'm telling you james i cannot stop it
35:16i can't stop it by the time james had fixed his rudder we were running late
35:21and the tide was coming in it's 10 to 8
35:25yeah it's 22 miles if mine work that's 25 minutes how fast do you think it goes 40 knots
35:34it's fantastic have you seen the size of the engine on the back of it your top speed very
35:40slow four yeah yeah and there's a three knot tide it's a mile an hour yeah and you 20 knots
35:47just
35:48no james look the point is i'm the only one with even a vague hope of getting there before nightfall
35:54why don't we just go when the tide's going out then it'll help us that's a good idea that's tomorrow
35:59no slack water or slack water yeah slack water is tomorrow about one o'clock we shall go then yes
36:06we'll go
36:06to the pub now sound idea yeah we'll go to the pub now and then tomorrow one o'clock that'll
36:12be us
36:12at slack water because the water's slack what's slack water
36:21it was a lovely morning and the sea inside the harbor was calm and inviting outside the harbor though
36:32despite the roughness captain cocksure was supremely confident in his engineering and eager to get
36:38going he's going oh he's off he's going he's doing it it's a car it's still a car
36:45it's a boat sail sail you're coming back now it's a car again center board
36:57he's got no that way he's got no rudder he's got no rudder in the water oh yeah nothing and
37:02amel and
37:03may had another problem the center board's stuck he's got further that way than he has that
37:12i'm enjoying this i was so preoccupied with my center board i wasn't looking where i was going
37:18oh my he's going to hit the fear he's going to hit the fear now here comes a rescue boat
37:22you're being rescued after what a minute and a half it's so unfair the rescue boat nudged me back to
37:31open water where i discovered my archimedes calculations were a bit out i would say that
37:36car's sinking as well mayday he's going down i think we should get in there this can only go well
37:46here we go
37:49oh yeah
37:56once again my pickup truck is working yes it works i am floating
38:07amazingly all three of us were floating well when i say three it's going down
38:23richard offered to pick james up but he had a problem you can't stop no i can't stop the engine
38:30see you there oh bloody hell do you want to come on this boat up to a point yes will
38:37you admit
38:38it's a brilliant piece of design no bugger off goodbye
38:44richard and i returned to land because we wanted to be there to offer james reassurance and sympathy
38:52you designed a rubbish car and you know nothing about sailing
39:00amazingly however james insisted that his herald and the snapped mast could be fixed
39:06and so with help from me and jeremy two hours later he was back in business
39:21this is absolutely brilliant
39:28i'm actually using my weight to counter the role of the craft
39:33ow is that your top speed i've worked out
39:40even so i was a lot faster than james so jeremy and i left him behind and pretty soon
39:47we were at the mouth of the harbour facing the open sea
39:55that's choppy out there
39:57bloody hell
40:01these are quite big don't like that don't turn on a wave
40:04in seas like this and with my puny power i bravely decided to head back to the harbour
40:16and then jeremy bravely followed suit
40:21mayday
40:25ow is it is it not working well james have you ever heard of the milk of human kindness
40:31well prepare to suckle on it thank you
40:37sorry mate as jeremy rescued james i realized that the big seas had damaged my precious craft
40:45my steering's broken i just go in faster circles i was stuck in the entrance to the harbour
40:53oh my god there is the seeker he can move
40:59but he continued on course and now james was a sitting duck as well no time to lose what do
41:05you
41:05want me to do just merge the front gently back to port
41:08i don't want to go that way now go left and then
41:16i've lost another one
41:27never in maritime history as a ship had to dodge so much flotsam and jetsam while coming into dover
41:33sorry it was him sorry sorry and this made us be in trouble morning officer
41:40we were ordered back to land but getting there wasn't easy
41:45mate my engine is letting go it's dying there's no doubt about it
41:50now he pulled richard in that's humiliating james's boat was now beyond repair
41:58but luckily jeremy was on hand to comfort him you fall thank you
42:10today the wind had dropped and the sea was much calmer we're going to france this time we are going
42:20i was now powered by an outboard i bought from jeremy for a million pounds and james was my cabin
42:26boy
42:27if you would go below please roger the cabin boy and uh cup of tea
42:31oi prescott our bacon sandwich
42:38richard's million pound outboard wasn't exactly gutsy so in the spirit of the sea and in keeping with the
42:44maritime code i gunned it and left them behind oh she's riding the waves like a twig
42:54meanwhile back on the cabin cruiser bloody hell
42:58hey what it's quite a lot of water it's up to oh not again
43:05as you can see this morning the sea is a mill pond we're hoping to capitalize on that make good
43:11progress before the waves build up which they inevitably will
43:25i'm disappointed i thought we were gonna make it oh sorry mate the cap sank with typical good grace
43:31jeremy came back to pick us up and then announced we'd have to go back to dover
43:38a couple of years ago richard branson set a record for crossing the channel in an amphibious car
43:44one hour 40 minutes six seconds and no way it's an average speed of 10.8 knots
43:54what so we go for it we give it a show
43:56gallery for luxe beardy you're going down
44:07guys can i ask one question what where's france we follow the ferry but not the one going to holland
44:16soon the three men in a boat were an incredible two miles from england and since we were going for
44:22a
44:22record we had to work out our speed this is our speedometer we've tied knots in a rope you throw
44:29it
44:29in and you see how many pass through your fingers in a given time it's a very accurate system
44:36captain about 110 knots 110 miles an hour 125 because we were blasting along at a steady 125
44:47miles an hour we had a visit from the coast guard
44:54this is the donkey crossbow aircraft please state your intentions please our intentions are to go
45:01across the channel faster than beardy branson in that case i wish you good luck at bed
45:06i want to do that for a job that's brilliant and then all you do is jump out and wrestle
45:14albanians
45:16amazingly our vessel ploughed on without mishap and then land ahoy
45:23france we can see france through a pickup truck oh mind you jeremy do you want to be depressed
45:30what look at england ready ready one hour 40 minutes coming up now we've failed we lost
45:45now it was just a question of seeing if we could make it but with eight miles to go it
45:50started to get
45:51choppy we're going down boys it's pouring in oh my god look in there now oh don't like that
46:06things were even worse at the back we're taking on a hell of a lot of water so we sent
46:13james to the
46:14front to act as ballast i'm getting a bit bored with sinking frankly
46:21mercifully as we got into the lee or something or other the water's calmed and we could taste success
46:34the town of sangat was about to get three more immigrants never mind that we'd aim for calais
46:40and missed france is france come on come on we're 20 yards from france
46:49to succeed we had to get up the boat ramp but that meant going through the breakers
46:58stop stop no where's that come from
47:09i really thought we were gonna tip over we're on the rocks we're going up the beach now
47:22skilfully james got a rope around the front bumper and in a gap in the waves i went for it
47:40the pickup and landed
47:49less ambitious but rubbish more ambitious but quite successful apart from the bits that weren't
47:56and that's it for this program see you next time for more moments from the top gear archive when at
48:02least one of us thought we might die goodbye
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