Norm Macdonald Live S02E08 Norm Macdonald with Guest Bob Saget DD 2 0 monkee

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00:00:05Tonight we speak for the full hour with Bob Saget, a man who has been seminal in my career

00:00:13at many different points. This is a book he has written. It's called Dirty Daddy. We'll

00:00:19be speaking to him momentarily, but first I will have a few words with my trusty sidekick,

00:00:26Adam Egan. Hi Norman. Why are you wearing a scarf? I've been bitten with the acting bug.

00:00:35You're acting? Yeah. I think that some producers saw my work that I've been doing here on the

00:00:42show and I've been cast in a film. You're in a film? Yes. A film? Yep. That's amazing.

00:00:49Have you ever done any acting at all? Other than the work I've done here with you on the

00:00:54video podcast network. This is my first real feature role. Well, this is incredible. It's

00:01:01a great opportunity. I've just jumped in with both feet and I've just really immersed myself

00:01:08in the acting world and it's going pretty well. I've never seen a career with so much propulsion

00:01:16behind it. My goodness. Well, you're the manager of the comedy store. Yes. Then you come and

00:01:23you do a podcast and then a producer sees you and you're in a film. The producers told

00:01:28me that they saw some raw talent and they put me to work almost immediately and I've just

00:01:35really taken to it. I actually brought a clip. You brought a clip? I brought a clip. I'd love

00:01:43to show it. That's incredible. Yeah, sure. We can show you a clip. Well, let's roll the

00:01:47clip. Okay, let's take a look. Yes. Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, right there. Oh, my God. That's a huge.

00:01:55Oh, right there. Adam, you spineless little jellyfish. That's where a clitoris is. Oh, right there.

00:02:03Right there. Adam, you might want to watch this and learn a thing or two. I'm watching.

00:02:08Oh, this is great sex, not with my husband. I don't know what that is. What is that?

00:02:18Well, that's the latest film I've been working on. It's called Cuckold Sessions No. 7. I've

00:02:22done several. I've done several since the break. Cuckold. A cuckold is a man whose wife is promiscuous

00:02:30to his face and everybody knows it. Exactly. Exactly. In this particular scene.

00:02:36And this is a genre of film? Yeah, yeah. A very popular genre. Like I said, I've done

00:02:43several of these. And you play the cuckold. I do. I do play the cuckold. I've had a lot

00:02:50of success with this. Again, they feel like they see some real raw talent in me. I've been...

00:02:55This is hardcore pornography. Oh, yeah. It's hardcore pornography, but it's got a real following.

00:03:00I was just recognized for an award at the AVN Awards for best cuckold film. And in this

00:03:09particular scene, my wife is shaming me. Now, who plays your wife? Oh, my actual wife.

00:03:17That's Debbie? Yeah. You can't see with... You can't see her entire face. He's a pretty

00:03:24big guy. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's an African-American man making love to your actual

00:03:30wife, Debbie. Yeah. While you sit on the... Mandingo is his name. Mandingo. Mandingo.

00:03:35Hell of a guy. Real nice guy. Nice guy. Yeah, nice guy. So he has sex with your wife and

00:03:41ridicules

00:03:41you as he's doing it. Exactly. Well, it's all just... It's a film. My motivation, you know,

00:03:48I really get into the character. I've noticed... I take a lot of time to get to know the character

00:03:55and really immerse myself in the role and think, how would I feel if my wife... Let's say Debbie,

00:04:01for instance. Well, it is Debbie. Well, yes, but, I mean, her character... Yes, it's Debbie.

00:04:07Who does she play? Her name in this movie, I believe, is Ruby.

00:04:12That sounds a lot like Debbie. Oh, yes, but it's just a film. It's a film, Norm. I mean,

00:04:20this, you know... No, I understand what you... Citizen Kane was only partially based on reality,

00:04:25you know. But Citizen Kane didn't have... People are calling this a Citizen Kane of cuckold

00:04:30genre, by the way. Not to toot my own horn. The words of AVN, monthly, not my own.

00:04:39Well, let's not blaspheme the name of Orson Welles, because Orson Welles, you know, never

00:04:48had... Johnny Cockhammer. What? Johnny Cockhammer is the gentleman... Johnny Cockhammer.

00:04:54Cockhammer. It's two separate words. But the gentleman who directed this film, in the industry,

00:04:59they're referring to him as the Orson Welles of the cuckold genre as well. A real wonder kid.

00:05:08Now, I was just over to your place for a lovely dinner party.

00:05:12That was nice. It was nice to have you. We really appreciated that.

00:05:15It was just you, me, Debbie, and that...

00:05:19Mandingo.

00:05:20Yeah. Now I know it's Mandingo.

00:05:22Mm-hmm. I spent the whole time trying to talk about 42, the movie 42. I didn't know what

00:05:28to do. But who was that? Was that other guy? Was that Johnny Cockhammer?

00:05:35Yes.

00:05:35The other guy that was there?

00:05:36Yes, yes. Johnny Cockhammer. The guy who brought the brie.

00:05:42That brie...

00:05:43Delicious.

00:05:44Oh, suspicious.

00:05:46Well, I thought it was divine. It paired well with the Pinot Noir, I thought.

00:05:52So you're going to continue these?

00:05:54Oh, most definitely. They're calling me the Philip Seymour Hoffman of the genre.

00:06:01Well, hopefully you'll meet the same end. We'll be back with Bob Saget.

00:06:13All right. Our guest tonight for the full hour, Bob Saget. You know him. Oh, wait. Isn't

00:06:22it on the other camera now? What happened? It didn't go to the other camera. Oh, I know.

00:06:28It's because... Is that red light always on? Okay. I thought it was going to switch.

00:06:34No.

00:06:35Okay.

00:06:35We have it all.

00:06:35Okay. I'll start again. Our guest today... No, wait a minute. Let me start one more

00:06:42time. I'm just going to shift my chair.

00:06:43Yeah, shift your chair.

00:06:44Oh, that's so good.

00:06:45Are you okay?

00:06:46Yeah, my colostomy bag's all fucked up.

00:06:48Oh.

00:06:49You heard what happened to me, right?

00:06:52Should we start?

00:06:53Sorry.

00:06:54Our guest tonight for the full hour, as Larry King says, Bob Saget. You know him from Full House

00:07:03Entourage, his years of hosting America's Funniest Home Videos, the voice of Ted on How I May,

00:07:09your mother, and the director of the movie Dirty Work. His new book, Dirty Daddy, The Chronicles

00:07:16of a Family Man, is in stores now. Bob Saget, welcome.

00:07:23I'm happy to see you, Norm.

00:07:24It's good to see you, man.

00:07:25Really happy.

00:07:26And you've met my trusty sidekick, Adam Egett. Good to see you, Adam. Good to see you again.

00:07:30Do you know Adam?

00:07:31I do. We know each other.

00:07:32From where?

00:07:33Comedy store and other comedy-sorted places by trash bins and recording devices.

00:07:38Adam Egett used to be the manager at the Tempe Improv, which I consider the best club in America.

00:07:45It was one of the best clubs. Is it again?

00:07:48Well, I'll forget.

00:07:49Did I know you back in the day?

00:07:50Yeah, I met you a few times.

00:07:51You didn't do anything bad with me, did you?

00:07:53No.

00:07:54Okay.

00:07:55It was a good place to, like, people partied back then. Remember that?

00:07:58Yeah, yeah. Well, anyway, we only have an hour.

00:08:01All right. We only got like 58 minutes now.

00:08:03I know.

00:08:04Two minutes. What the hell was that?

00:08:05So we were talking right before the break about how you've been a seminal figure in my life.

00:08:11Seminal meaning the Indian tribe or having semen?

00:08:15It comes from semen.

00:08:17Right.

00:08:17The word seminal is Latin.

00:08:18We all do.

00:08:19It's Latin. Semino, which is also the root for semen. It means native.

00:08:24It's a recent beginning.

00:08:25So what happened was when I was a young boy, and this is Chronicles in your book, although

00:08:31you make me older for some reason.

00:08:33Well, I know you're younger than me.

00:08:34But when I was a very young boy, I was 15, 14, I snuck in to this comedy club called

00:08:41Hiccups

00:08:42in Ottawa.

00:08:42Hiccups.

00:08:43I forgot.

00:08:43And this was before the comedy boom.

00:08:46Right.

00:08:46And there you were, and you had a guitar.

00:08:51I did.

00:08:52And you talked very fast and sang songs.

00:08:54And then you picked me out of the audience because I had wild hair.

00:08:58Epstein the animal like cotter hair.

00:08:59That's what you said.

00:09:00And then you said, and then you sang a song.

00:09:02Take your ribbons, you know that song?

00:09:05Take your ribbons from here.

00:09:06Shake it loose and let it fall.

00:09:07Shake it loose and let it fall.

00:09:08And then you're like, and there's Roger the Dodger.

00:09:10And he's going, and you just talked to everybody.

00:09:12It was, I was, I guess, afraid to hold still and just let silence happen.

00:09:16Is that when you were the best?

00:09:18I've never gotten better than that.

00:09:19No, but when you first see a comedian in a club, you think he's the best comedian you've ever seen.

00:09:26Yes, and were you 17?

00:09:29I was 14 years old.

00:09:30Wow, jeez.

00:09:32I was 22.

00:09:33You were a kid, yeah.

00:09:34And who was the first comedian?

00:09:36Do you remember live?

00:09:38I mean, was there a club?

00:09:39Yeah, I was working in Philadelphia.

00:09:42Murray Langston, the unknown comic, was the first comic.

00:09:45And I won a radio contest the next night there when I was 17.

00:09:50WMMR in Philadelphia.

00:09:51But do you know what I'm talking about?

00:09:52That when you see a comic live, there's the best thing ever.

00:09:56So you obviously had a stilted view of me.

00:09:59No.

00:09:59If you'd have known me years later, you would not have liked me as much as you had.

00:10:03Well, perhaps, I don't know.

00:10:04You can't know that.

00:10:05No, you can't.

00:10:06But you were fantastic, you know?

00:10:08You were super fast, incredibly witty, quick, and you dealt with the audience almost constantly.

00:10:15And you played the guitar.

00:10:16Why don't you play your guitar anymore?

00:10:18I do.

00:10:18Oh, you do?

00:10:19You still do?

00:10:20I do.

00:10:20I did a special last year.

00:10:22I was nominated for a Grammy, but Kathy Griffin won.

00:10:25Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:10:25But he's good, so.

00:10:28But I, oh, never said that.

00:10:30But yeah, I still do music.

00:10:32I'm not very good at it, but I never grew quite past the amount of chords you heard me play.

00:10:36No, no, but you do it, it would help the comedy, the flow, the timing.

00:10:39It's fun to do it.

00:10:40You were incredibly fast, I remember.

00:10:42Well, you were really nice.

00:10:43Right?

00:10:44Yeah.

00:10:44Did you slow down, or are you still a little fast?

00:10:47A little bit to try to listen.

00:10:49When you go on stage, do you have an idea of what you're going to say?

00:10:53I have a, like a, you do it in a list way?

00:10:57This is what I do.

00:10:58I have, like, punch lines, and then I ramble around.

00:11:02Knowing I have real strong punch lines, I ramble around.

00:11:05Right.

00:11:05Until I get to the punch lines, because I find if I do it word for word, which I started,

00:11:09when I started, I did that, it just sounds rote.

00:11:12Yep.

00:11:12And it's sort of like, you know when you repeat a word over and over again, and you forget

00:11:16what it means, kind of?

00:11:17A lot.

00:11:17Yeah, so it's like that.

00:11:18So now I ramble around, knowing I can hit a punch line.

00:11:22It's a journey.

00:11:23You're getting somewhere.

00:11:24Yeah, yeah.

00:11:24I do the same thing, I have a few hundred things that I know I want to do that hour.

00:11:28The last half, if I'm doing a show show somewhere, I'll do like a half hour of music at the

00:11:33end.

00:11:33So I kind of know that, that becomes music.

00:11:36And that's great.

00:11:37Ending with music is fantastic.

00:11:39You could juggle or swallow a sword, that would be good.

00:11:42Anything that's different, because all my jokes are equal.

00:11:45No, you do different, you weave them different.

00:11:48No, I peter out.

00:11:49Not necessarily.

00:11:50I tend to peter out.

00:11:51I've seen you get more graphic.

00:11:52Sean O'Connor has seen it.

00:11:54Well, but I've seen you go for like 20 minutes, and then the next 20, you get into a darker

00:11:58place, which is, for me, my, I really love it.

00:12:00Like, I love when you get, when you're here.

00:12:03Well, I find it's like seducing, you know.

00:12:05You give the candy and the flour in the first 20 minutes, and then you're ramming it up their fucking

00:12:10hot ass later.

00:12:11Right, but when you're giving candy and.

00:12:12With your juicy big cock.

00:12:14Right, but when you're giving the flowers and the candy, is it to a kid?

00:12:18Or is it, because I know the second part of what you just said.

00:12:20This is a joke I heard.

00:12:21You want to hear a joke?

00:12:22Please.

00:12:23Okay.

00:12:24This guy is driving down.

00:12:26He's a pedophile.

00:12:27Why is the big cock always juicy with you?

00:12:30I mean, ever since I've known you, it's like, it's a juicy big cock.

00:12:33Well, because it's hot.

00:12:33Oh, is it like prime rib?

00:12:34Does it have drippings?

00:12:36If you go to eat it like corn, is it like a hoffy?

00:12:39I mean, it's got, does it, you put paper towels under it?

00:12:42Because it's going to have drippings.

00:12:43Well, you know, the actual truth of it is, like, it's like, ah, here's my hot cock.

00:12:48The truth of it is, a woman, people always say that.

00:12:52And they're doing this, I'm a little walker?

00:12:54No, that's the lady's hips.

00:12:57Oh.

00:12:58So, but the truth is, a vagina is hot.

00:13:00A cock is actually cold.

00:13:03But of course, you know.

00:13:03Mine gets warm.

00:13:05You think it does in your head, but no.

00:13:07No, in my hand.

00:13:07No, your hand is hot.

00:13:09My head's colder than my cock.

00:13:11Your hand is colder than your cock.

00:13:12Yeah, if I touch my head and then touch my cock, my cock is hotter.

00:13:14Yeah, but it's nowhere near as hot as the woman's vagina.

00:13:18So, she's getting a cold cock.

00:13:19Doesn't that depend on the woman?

00:13:20That's where they came with the impression, the cold cock punch.

00:13:23But here's the joke.

00:13:24No, no.

00:13:24The cold cock punch has nothing to do.

00:13:26But here's the joke.

00:13:27Cold cock is, it's got cock a trigger.

00:13:30So, you're cold cocking like you would a trigger.

00:13:32Oh, yeah, you're way out of it.

00:13:32Not like a hot cock that you hit somebody with their cock.

00:13:36Here's a hot cock, I'm going to knock you out.

00:13:37That's interesting.

00:13:38I didn't know that.

00:13:39It'd be cool if I had a cock that I could knock someone else.

00:13:42Oh, that'd be great.

00:13:43A cold cock.

00:13:43You censor this?

00:13:45No.

00:13:46But this is the joke.

00:13:48I don't really want to do this joke because we want to get on to stuff, but I'll tell you

00:13:51quickly.

00:13:52Please.

00:13:52So, it's a guy, a pedophile is driving in a car, and he sees a kid.

00:13:56And the kid is going through a dumpster, and the kid finds a welding hat.

00:13:59A lot of things happen in this joke, coincidentally.

00:14:02Right.

00:14:02He finds a welding mask, and the kid puts on the welding mask, and he's running around having fun with

00:14:08the welding mask.

00:14:08And the pedophile goes, you want to drive, kid?

00:14:11The kid goes, sure.

00:14:11So, the kid gets in, and the pedophile says to the kid, who's wearing this welding mask, he says, would

00:14:17you like, do you like to get your cock sucked?

00:14:19And the kid goes, oh, no, no, what?

00:14:21No.

00:14:22And he says, do you want to suck a cock, suck my cock?

00:14:26Oh, no, no, no.

00:14:27Well, how about would you like to get my big juicy cock shoved up your hot ass?

00:14:32It's going to have a clean punchline.

00:14:33So, finally, the kid goes, oh, I understand.

00:14:36No, no, no, no, no.

00:14:38I'm not actually a welder.

00:14:40Right.

00:14:44That's a crazy joke.

00:14:47Hey, do you want to take, hey, I asked my Twitter followers for questions for Bob Saget.

00:14:53Is it pedophile?

00:14:55Is that the actual word?

00:14:55It's pedophile, isn't it?

00:14:56No, it's pedophile.

00:14:57Is it pedophile?

00:14:58You once planned, I didn't know this, but this is what this, now, if this is not true, tell us.

00:15:03Right.

00:15:03We're going on to the full house questions here, because that would be a lovely segue.

00:15:06No, from Toolbox3657, you once planned on being a doctor.

00:15:10Yes.

00:15:11And was it the childhood game that got you interested?

00:15:14He's trying to be a gynecologist.

00:15:15No, I wanted to be a gynecologist.

00:15:16I could almost taste it.

00:15:17You know that one.

00:15:18I know.

00:15:19Yeah.

00:15:20Somebody said that once to me.

00:15:21I wanted to be a doctor.

00:15:22I actually was doing a talk on this book, and it was with Kelly Oxford here in L.A.

00:15:28at the Arrow Theater, and it was just a couple days ago.

00:15:32And this guy, this girl stood up, and she said, my grandfather was your doctor.

00:15:37Yeah.

00:15:37It was my father's doctor.

00:15:38He got my dad through his heart attacks, and I talked to this old guy on the phone.

00:15:42He was the guy that made me want to be a doctor.

00:15:44And so he was 84, and I woke him up, and he told me he's really sick and doesn't know

00:15:48what's wrong with him.

00:15:49He said he had pneumonia.

00:15:50He doesn't know how to fix it.

00:15:52But he was my hero, and I wanted to be a doctor, and I love the guy.

00:15:55That's inspiring.

00:15:56That's a great story.

00:15:57You didn't become a doctor.

00:15:58It would only be inspiring if you became a doctor.

00:16:00Yeah.

00:16:00It said, you were on The Greatest American Hero in 1983.

00:16:04Hell yeah.

00:16:05These guys know a lot of stuff.

00:16:06Yeah.

00:16:06You really, you were?

00:16:07Yeah.

00:16:08As a regular?

00:16:09No, I was never regular in anything.

00:16:11We had friends with Bill Catt.

00:16:14I met him, and Robert Culp, and Connie Selica.

00:16:18And I played a young guy obsessed with Dungeons and Dragons.

00:16:22So I had been gone to acting school, and I did the fast talk from my stand-up.

00:16:26Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:16:26So they gave me some fast talk to do.

00:16:28And it's like, oh, the swords of Democlea.

00:16:31You know, I didn't know what I was saying.

00:16:32Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:16:32Something about a hot cock and a welding helmet.

00:16:34Well, the guy has the question.

00:16:35He says, I love that theme song.

00:16:37Could you please sing as much of it as you can?

00:16:41Grand Names of the American Hero.

00:16:43Lighter Than Air, something like that.

00:16:44Da, da, da, da.

00:16:46I'm lighter than air.

00:16:47I like a hot cock and a welding helmet.

00:16:50I can fly up your ass, and I'm lighter than air.

00:16:53When you queef on my head.

00:16:55Oh, come on.

00:16:56I don't know you started this forum.

00:16:58I mean, does anybody, do we tell kids not to watch this?

00:17:02Can kids watch this, Norm?

00:17:03Now, Bob, this is what everyone...

00:17:05Who watches this?

00:17:05This is your book, by the way.

00:17:06Mostly welders, but...

00:17:07Dirty Daddy.

00:17:09Yeah.

00:17:09Dirty Daddy.

00:17:10Yes.

00:17:11I was with you and Gilbert eating dinner about a year ago.

00:17:14We were both talking about working on our books, and I'm still working on mine.

00:17:19It'll be good.

00:17:19I can't wait to...

00:17:20And you already have a book.

00:17:22I worked hard.

00:17:23So it's annoying.

00:17:23It's hard work, isn't it?

00:17:24Yeah.

00:17:24It's like...

00:17:25Yeah.

00:17:26You think...

00:17:26They say to you, well, you'll write four hours a day, right?

00:17:29And you go, oh, sure.

00:17:30We talked about this at dinner.

00:17:31Oh, of course I'll have that discipline.

00:17:32Yeah.

00:17:33And then a month and a half go by, and you're written like...

00:17:35You're like, what am I, James Joyce?

00:17:36Call me Ishmael.

00:17:37You got like nothing.

00:17:38Yeah.

00:17:38And then I just pulled like all these all-nighters and...

00:17:41Actually, if you had called me Ishmael, that'd be pretty good.

00:17:43I wanted to start with that.

00:17:45The guy said, okay, you're not even a writer yet.

00:17:47That would have been funny.

00:17:48Give me page two.

00:17:49He called me...

00:17:49That would have been funny.

00:17:50That would have been funny.

00:17:51A whale joke.

00:17:52Call me Ishmael.

00:17:53And then during the whole book, you go, everybody's calling me Ishmael.

00:17:55Then I could sort of blow a hole.

00:17:56I could have harpooned him, all that whale shit.

00:17:59But anyway, I worked hard on it, and it was like...

00:18:02You ever see Adaptation, the Nicolas Cage movie?

00:18:04Yes.

00:18:05The Charlie Kaufman thing?

00:18:05Yes.

00:18:06It was like that for me.

00:18:08What?

00:18:08This is not a work of involution?

00:18:10No, it's not.

00:18:11It's a work of convolution.

00:18:13It's a work of prostitution.

00:18:14What do you mean by Adaptation?

00:18:16I was just going crazy.

00:18:18I didn't sleep for days.

00:18:19Oh, I see.

00:18:19I see.

00:18:19I would go from the laptop, which my balls were getting heated by, which is in the book.

00:18:23And it's about death and comedy and all the tragedies in my life.

00:18:27And then I try to do...

00:18:28Because when I first met you, you had some harebrained story about your sister dying.

00:18:33Remember that?

00:18:34I don't know where I came up with that.

00:18:36It was because I wanted to do benefits.

00:18:37Yeah, yeah.

00:18:38And so that's really worked out because I'm still doing them.

00:18:40Yeah, yeah.

00:18:41Yeah, I lost a couple sisters.

00:18:43No, his sister died of scleroderma.

00:18:45Which is hardening of the skin.

00:18:46Which I would order if I saw it in an Italian restaurant.

00:18:49Well, it's a deli because derma is stuffed derma is kiska.

00:18:52It's hardening of the skin.

00:18:53Derma is flesh.

00:18:54It is.

00:18:55It's skin.

00:18:55Derma is Latin for flesh.

00:18:57It is.

00:18:57But the stuffed derma is available in Nate and Al's.

00:19:00It's potato stuffing inside tripe.

00:19:03Oh, gosh.

00:19:03So it's a lot like kiska.

00:19:05It's nothing to do with the disease.

00:19:07No, no.

00:19:07The disease is his sister, her skin hardened until it almost became rock.

00:19:16Well, would that be a way to describe it?

00:19:18It can be that way.

00:19:19How would you describe it?

00:19:20Yeah, she was, your skin hardens and it becomes taut and it's a really terrible disease.

00:19:26So it's almost like a sad Marvel character.

00:19:29Well, they say that Lot's wife maybe had.

00:19:32That's what I was thinking of, Lot's wife.

00:19:34Sarah?

00:19:35Yeah, she turned to salt.

00:19:36I think Julie was her name.

00:19:37Julie?

00:19:38Yeah, Lot's wife was Julie.

00:19:39And she turned to salt, apparently.

00:19:42Yeah, yeah.

00:19:42Because she probably had it coming to her.

00:19:44I turned to salt once in a while.

00:19:45Yeah, I do.

00:19:46Sweat is salty.

00:19:48Yeah.

00:19:49Sweat.

00:19:50What do they say?

00:19:51The ocean, sweat, and something else.

00:19:55What is, what is men?

00:19:58I don't know.

00:19:59Steven's salty?

00:20:00I don't know.

00:20:01What about poop?

00:20:03Does poop have any salt content?

00:20:07I don't know why you keep, I don't know.

00:20:09Because you love analingus.

00:20:12He wanted to ask you.

00:20:14Right, right.

00:20:14No, I remember Gilbert made that note, yeah.

00:20:17Yeah.

00:20:18Adam, do boogers taste salty?

00:20:20He rags.

00:20:23How about just sniffing, like scratching your butthole and sniffing that?

00:20:26Yeah, that's definitely.

00:20:27That's salty?

00:20:28Yeah, obviously.

00:20:28Have you actually done that?

00:20:29Yeah, sure.

00:20:30No, I'm on a low salt diet.

00:20:32I can't even sniff salt.

00:20:35I don't do gross stuff.

00:20:37I don't do gross stuff.

00:20:38I can't take Epsom baths.

00:20:39What?

00:20:40Can't do anything salty.

00:20:41No bath salts.

00:20:42Can't have a salt lick.

00:20:45This is the filthiest beginning of anything I've ever done.

00:20:47These are the worst questions from the Twitter people.

00:20:49We'll see what it is.

00:20:51Maybe it's good.

00:20:51This is from official Greg Gregson.

00:20:54I don't know what, this is from your, from your 1990, your 2005 movie.

00:21:02That would be my guess, Forest of the Penguins.

00:21:05I think it may be, yeah, something like that.

00:21:06Six, seven, something like that.

00:21:08I don't know.

00:21:08Let's look it up.

00:21:09Somebody look it up.

00:21:10It says, what do you have against penguins?

00:21:12He's trying to be funny.

00:21:13Oh, my cock.

00:21:14But you know, I did a little thing on Forest of the Penguins.

00:21:17You did.

00:21:17And I remember when I went in and there was the book of people signing in.

00:21:21It was every major star in the world.

00:21:23It was fun.

00:21:24It was incredible.

00:21:24It was funny to do it.

00:21:25It was just stock footage.

00:21:26And I thought, Saget knows everybody.

00:21:27It was a scam.

00:21:28Saget knows everybody, right?

00:21:30I know a few people.

00:21:31I have some good friends.

00:21:32You're a good friend.

00:21:33Because you go way back, but you know the young guys, too.

00:21:36You make it a habit to hang out with Dax Shepard.

00:21:41No, no.

00:21:42But yet you also know your good friends with Professor Erwin Corey.

00:21:47If you notice, I used to like him.

00:21:50I watched Car Wash.

00:21:51He's still alive.

00:21:51Is he?

00:21:52He's 99 years old.

00:21:53I watched Car Wash.

00:21:54He drank his own.

00:21:55And they can't get him on the show.

00:21:55He had his own urine.

00:21:57He broke his own urine.

00:21:58That was like the punchline.

00:21:59In Car Wash.

00:22:00He had filled his own thing with urine, and it broke.

00:22:02Oh, yeah.

00:22:03And that was the whole big buzz-killing Car Wash.

00:22:07Professor Erwin Corey.

00:22:09Who would you say that you have met that has been the biggest star, like the most astonishing

00:22:15person you've come in contact with, either in work or you just saw him?

00:22:18Well, the person when I started that I got to hang out with prior was probably the person.

00:22:23You got to hang out with Richard Pryor?

00:22:26Because we're in a film together, right?

00:22:27Yeah, I did.

00:22:28I had MC The Comedy Store for like seven years.

00:22:30You know who I met once, Bob?

00:22:31You may have met this guy.

00:22:32I bet you did.

00:22:34But you remember that book on stand-up written by maybe William Goldman?

00:22:38I can't remember.

00:22:39But it was about Lenny Bruce.

00:22:41It was about Lenny Bruce.

00:22:42I don't think I read that book.

00:22:43It was Lenny Bruce.

00:22:44I'd never met Lenny Bruce, but I didn't know who Lenny Goldman is.

00:22:47And so there was a guy that was with Lenny Bruce that was supposed to be the funniest

00:22:50guy.

00:22:51And he was Rodney's friend.

00:22:53With Joe Ansis.

00:22:53Yes.

00:22:54Joe Ansis, Rodney told me.

00:22:55Now, I met Joe Ansis.

00:22:56No way.

00:22:57He came to Saturday Night Live, and he wasn't very funny.

00:23:00Well, he was an old man by then, right?

00:23:01Yeah, he was with Rodney.

00:23:03Wow.

00:23:03You know, there's a story about him that he was so OCD that he got into a bathroom,

00:23:07took off all of his clothes on like naked in a toilet, but didn't lock the stall

00:23:11door.

00:23:12And Rodney told me this story.

00:23:13And it has to be true, I guess, because he didn't tell that many stories this many

00:23:17times.

00:23:17And he's naked, standing on a toilet seat.

00:23:20So you look under the stall, and the guy saw that there was nobody there.

00:23:23And he was trying to take a shit.

00:23:25And he was just naked like a crow.

00:23:28And his clothes were laid up over the side of the stall.

00:23:30And a guy opened the stall, and they were both like, because he was like naked with

00:23:34his dick hanging out.

00:23:35Oh, my God.

00:23:36Just a creepy story.

00:23:37There was no pun sign to it except how OCD the guy was, how crazy he was.

00:23:40I heard a great story, and correct me if I'm wrong, about you running into Rodney after

00:23:45he got out of a hospital at Caroline's.

00:23:46Was that you?

00:23:47And he was waiting for Ron Jeremy?

00:23:48Yeah, that was at his place.

00:23:50That's actually in the book.

00:23:51It's in the book.

00:23:51Oh, is that in the book?

00:23:52Yeah, there's a story.

00:23:53Tell everyone that story.

00:23:54It's a true thing that I was supposed to have dinner with Rodney at 7 o'clock on a Wednesday.

00:24:00And I got to his place, and he was in a robe.

00:24:03And he'd just had surgery, but he was healed.

00:24:05You know, it wasn't like hanging out.

00:24:06He had a scar up here.

00:24:08And he said, they took out all my guts, lied them next to me, and then put them all back

00:24:12in.

00:24:12That's how he talked about his surgery.

00:24:15Just like something quick, like Legos or something.

00:24:17And so I got to his place Wednesday night, and his wife was going out with a friend.

00:24:22And he goes, Bob, you didn't call to confirm.

00:24:25I said, I'm not late.

00:24:26This was the plan.

00:24:27You didn't call to confirm, man.

00:24:28I'm sorry.

00:24:29I got Ron Jeremy coming up here with two hookers.

00:24:31And I said, well, I got to go.

00:24:34I'm not going to.

00:24:34I met Ron before.

00:24:35No offense.

00:24:36I just, you know, I just don't.

00:24:38I'm good.

00:24:38I'm going to leave.

00:24:39And Rodney goes, oh, I'm sorry, man.

00:24:41I feel bad.

00:24:42He had a release on the table that just says, I, Ron Jeremy, allow Rodney to use me in

00:24:47his book.

00:24:48And that was just going to be his signature.

00:24:49That's what it was all for.

00:24:51So Rodney goes, ah, sorry.

00:24:53I'll walk you out.

00:24:54I feel bad, Bob.

00:24:55And he walks me over to the elevator.

00:24:56And the elevator was just to his unit.

00:24:58And I walk over, and the doors, I'm on the inside of the elevator, and I go, he said,

00:25:03how are you doing, Bob?

00:25:04I said, I'm doing pretty good.

00:25:05I would have liked to have dinner, but how are you doing?

00:25:08And he goes, you want to know how I'm doing?

00:25:10You're leaving, and I'm waiting for a guy that can suck his own cock.

00:25:13That's how I'm doing.

00:25:15And the door is closed.

00:25:17And we both laughed out loud, because he said it with, he had no energy up to that

00:25:22moment.

00:25:22And when he said it, it was like a back-to-school moment.

00:25:24I was like, you know, that's how I'm doing.

00:25:27And he yelled it.

00:25:28And that's what the guy could do, apparently.

00:25:30You know, the potato bug of porn actors.

00:25:33Yeah.

00:25:33Could curl himself up a charm.

00:25:35And you've met him.

00:25:36I met him.

00:25:36He loves comics.

00:25:37He thinks he's funny.

00:25:38He's the funny one.

00:25:39He loves comedians.

00:25:40That's the guy you definitely want to fist bump, not shake.

00:25:42Oh, yeah.

00:25:45Talk about that big, juicy thing you were talking about.

00:25:48No, no.

00:25:48Now, I had a video of you when we were doing dirty work.

00:25:54And I was considering just putting it into the interview.

00:25:59But much of it is...

00:26:02Can't run it.

00:26:03I mean, I could.

00:26:04No, I mean...

00:26:04But it would really hurt your career, I believe.

00:26:07Yes.

00:26:07I believe that I've said things that are...

00:26:09Because I had that hidden...

00:26:11I had that camera going the entire time.

00:26:13I'm aware of that.

00:26:13You had it with Chevy Chase in the trailer as well.

00:26:16Chevy said some things, too.

00:26:17Yeah.

00:26:18You could ruin a bunch of people's stories.

00:26:19It's really up to you.

00:26:21But we're friends.

00:26:22No, no.

00:26:23I would never do it.

00:26:24And we have friends.

00:26:24I mean, dirty work.

00:26:25I do want to talk about dirty work.

00:26:27Yes, what am I doing?

00:26:28Because you're...

00:26:29It's a definably, for me, one of the very important things that I did.

00:26:34Because, one, I directed it.

00:26:35Yes.

00:26:36You wanted me to direct it.

00:26:37Yes.

00:26:38And Frank Sebastiano and Fred Wolf worked on it.

00:26:41They were great writers.

00:26:42And you wrote the thing.

00:26:44And it was Frank's script originally.

00:26:45And Bob Simons produced it.

00:26:47And it was a difficult and important part of my life.

00:26:51And it was a fun thing, too.

00:26:53Why is it difficult?

00:26:54Oh, because...

00:26:54Oh, it's just hard to do it.

00:26:55Directing from...

00:26:56Yeah.

00:26:56And I would fuck up once in a while.

00:26:59And then I would get back to normal.

00:27:00But we all had fun.

00:27:02We had fun.

00:27:02And you and I had a...

00:27:03Everybody...

00:27:04We bonded from the moment the thing started.

00:27:06Before the movie even began.

00:27:09I won't tell anything like you won't show the tape of me.

00:27:11But I will tell one thing.

00:27:13Wait, we have to take a break.

00:27:15I think that we should really talk about dirty work when we come back.

00:27:18Oh, okay.

00:27:18I want to talk a lot about dirty work when we come back.

00:27:21But they're...

00:27:22You got sponsors.

00:27:23Yeah, yeah.

00:27:23We have sponsors.

00:27:24We'll do the sponsors.

00:27:25Okay.

00:27:25Yeah, yeah.

00:27:25And then we'll get into dirty work.

00:27:27Fair enough.

00:27:28I got a lot of good stories.

00:27:30We'll be back or something.

00:27:31Yeah, the camera's on you.

00:27:33Or when we come back, dirty work.

00:27:38And we're back with Bob Saget.

00:27:40Father, comedian, auteur.

00:27:43Author.

00:27:44And author.

00:27:46Bob, you were about to get into a dirty work story.

00:27:49Yeah, it was right after we had met and we'd gone over the script and we were going to go

00:27:54to Toronto to shoot the movie.

00:27:56And Norm and I had...

00:27:58The one story was we were out meeting Artie Lang because we really wanted Artie for the part.

00:28:02And I actually took a VHS tape physically to MGM and gave it to the head of the studio to

00:28:10approve Artie.

00:28:11And then we went to meet Artie to make sure that he was...

00:28:14And we love Artie and we send our love to Artie.

00:28:16And we wanted to make sure that he was all on the straight and narrow.

00:28:19You know, and he...

00:28:20Went to a pool hall.

00:28:21Right.

00:28:23And then we saw Artie.

00:28:26We saw Artie.

00:28:27And then we saw a raggedy looking Mexican.

00:28:32What was he up to?

00:28:34I don't know.

00:28:34They were making signals to each other.

00:28:36But Artie was on the straight and narrow.

00:28:39Yeah, he was on the straight and narrow and then he vanished.

00:28:42But we had the job.

00:28:44He came back and he was very peppy.

00:28:46He was happy.

00:28:47Peppy was the guy's name, I believe.

00:28:49And then we went...

00:28:51We did all go to Toronto and he was clean as a whistle for the shoot.

00:28:57But what I wanted to share real quick was that you and I went, just the two of us, to

00:29:01Lola's.

00:29:01Oh, Lola's.

00:29:02That's right.

00:29:03And we played pool.

00:29:04And we...

00:29:05Are you talking about the sea hag?

00:29:07That's what I'm going to tell.

00:29:08That's the story.

00:29:09It's really brief.

00:29:10We were just hanging out and bonding and we always liked each other.

00:29:13We knew each other.

00:29:15So we were just the two of us.

00:29:17And I'm having a beer.

00:29:19And I turn and look at Norm.

00:29:21He was just standing...

00:29:21He was sitting there.

00:29:22He was just sitting on the chair.

00:29:23And I was going...

00:29:24So anyway, I look over and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, like out of HR Puff and stuff,

00:29:28this woman, like Granny Clampett, just was all of a sudden sitting on his leg in like

00:29:34Pippi Longstocking and ponytails and like a one-y, a onesie.

00:29:38And she goes...

00:29:39And Norm looks at me and he goes...

00:29:41And she goes, hey, baby!

00:29:43And all she was missing was a corncob pipe.

00:29:46I mean, she didn't...

00:29:47An old sea hag.

00:29:48And Lola's, every other girl was like a supermodel.

00:29:52It was pretty girls.

00:29:53And then Norm was like, what is a sea hag?

00:29:57And she heard it, but she didn't hear.

00:29:59You were calling her a sea hag.

00:30:00Yeah, she didn't care.

00:30:01No, she really didn't care.

00:30:02And then she was gone.

00:30:03I don't know where she went.

00:30:04As quickly as she materialized, she disappeared.

00:30:07And that was before we went off to shoot.

00:30:09Yeah, she went and...

00:30:10She probably went to go sell Artie Coke.

00:30:12Oh, no.

00:30:13No.

00:30:13I don't know.

00:30:14It's possible.

00:30:14Well, then we went and shot the...

00:30:16Then we went...

00:30:17I love Artie a lot.

00:30:18In fact, when I put him in the book, I called him and said,

00:30:20look, I'm going to tell a story about you having some problems

00:30:23when you couldn't do the roast that you were so hilarious at.

00:30:28And Artie said, hey, he couldn't come to it

00:30:31because he had a real problem.

00:30:32He was very sick the night before he had a problem.

00:30:35And he said, hey, just tell the truth, Bob.

00:30:37Got to tell the truth.

00:30:38So I did.

00:30:39I put it in the book, and I just want him...

00:30:41We love Artie.

00:30:42The Bob Saga roast.

00:30:46Another seminal moment in my life.

00:30:49You were so funny.

00:30:50So many people just talked about that.

00:30:52Oh, yeah.

00:30:52So many people said they couldn't figure it out.

00:30:58How could they not figure it out?

00:30:59That's what I think.

00:31:01I was like, it's all right if you don't like it,

00:31:04but you don't think I'm mentally ill.

00:31:06People were like, what is he doing?

00:31:08I don't know.

00:31:09He's telling old jokes.

00:31:10And then he's kind of like...

00:31:13It was like a Carson reaction.

00:31:14You were like taking the cards and going,

00:31:17well, here's another one.

00:31:19I did a thing that cut out.

00:31:21I wish they had.

00:31:22But afterwards, you know, everyone clapped after I did it.

00:31:25I said, like, that concludes the joke.

00:31:27Everyone clapped.

00:31:28And I said, may a dog and heat romance your leg

00:31:31in the month of September.

00:31:33I remember him because I remember Carson saying that

00:31:36when I was a little kid.

00:31:37May a wild yak.

00:31:39I can't remember any of it.

00:31:40Have you ever heard my Carson, you know,

00:31:43because he had a heart attack, which was horrible,

00:31:46because he was such a hero.

00:31:48I know you were on a show often.

00:31:50Worshipped him.

00:31:51And he was everybody's hero.

00:31:52And it was sad because he was all alone.

00:31:55Alexis had left him.

00:31:56You know, he had a heart attack alone in his...

00:31:58He had all the world.

00:32:01But he died alone.

00:32:03Anyways, he phoned the 911 himself.

00:32:08And I do an impression of him phoning.

00:32:11Oh, please do.

00:32:12911.

00:32:13Johnny Carson, after having a massive heart attack,

00:32:16falling to the floor, finding his phone,

00:32:19and phoning 911.

00:32:20Do you want to hear it?

00:32:21Please.

00:32:22This is...

00:32:23You be the person.

00:32:25Hello, 911 emergency.

00:32:27Yes, this is Johnny Carson.

00:32:30Right.

00:32:31This is Johnny Carson.

00:32:32Yes, sir.

00:32:32What is your emergency?

00:32:34I feel like there's a yak on my chest.

00:32:38Wow.

00:32:39No, that's it.

00:32:43Oh, a heart, a dart, and a shart.

00:32:49He still had the funniest...

00:32:51Are you really sick?

00:32:52You bet you're bippy.

00:32:52But boy, he had funny characters.

00:32:55I know, he stole them all.

00:32:56But he also revered Red Skelton.

00:32:59He revered Gleeson.

00:33:00Yeah, no, he...

00:33:00He just revered Jack Benny.

00:33:02He said that's where they came from.

00:33:04Revered them so much.

00:33:05That he did...

00:33:06That he took their...

00:33:07But he...

00:33:08Jonathan Winters, he went all the...

00:33:09As far as staging the entire costume.

00:33:12Yeah, but if you're doing this on the air,

00:33:14and it's Red Skelton's clear bit,

00:33:16you're doing an homage.

00:33:17You're not a thief.

00:33:18And as he did his Mick Jagger impression almost there,

00:33:21I think that's another...

00:33:22A lot of musicians do the same thing.

00:33:24Do you ever put your thumbs under your armpits

00:33:26and then sniff it to see if it's salty?

00:33:28A little salty.

00:33:29Yeah, I've noticed.

00:33:30There was a dirty work thing that I wanted to tell,

00:33:32because you were about to bring it up during that break,

00:33:34which was a great break.

00:33:35Ah, yes.

00:33:36And it was a question that you had.

00:33:37It was post-dirty work.

00:33:39It was after we had finished,

00:33:42and Artie and Norm and I went golfing.

00:33:45Is that what happened?

00:33:46So you...

00:33:48It was something...

00:33:48It was a prank involving, I believe,

00:33:50a tow truck driver.

00:33:51Oh, no, yes.

00:33:51And I didn't...

00:33:52I don't like pranks, and I got...

00:33:54Well, I did something horrible.

00:33:55You did.

00:33:56Artie had just bought...

00:33:57You pulled a bag on it.

00:33:58Artie had just bought a big Cadillac.

00:34:02Brand new Cadillac.

00:34:03You know, he's from Jersey.

00:34:03Sure.

00:34:04So that's a big thing for a guy from Jersey.

00:34:06And I was driving it back.

00:34:08In New York City.

00:34:09And there's a lot of potholes.

00:34:11And I said...

00:34:12Big problem in New York City.

00:34:13Sure.

00:34:13Before 9-11, that was the problem.

00:34:16Potholes.

00:34:17Yeah, potholes.

00:34:17And I was driving, and I wasn't being that careful.

00:34:21I don't know why, but I went into a giant pothole,

00:34:25and I popped Artie's tire and his wheel.

00:34:27God, a wheel.

00:34:28That's ridiculous.

00:34:29A wheel.

00:34:30I mean, like, sparks were flying off the wheel.

00:34:33And this is his brand new Caddy.

00:34:35And then I had to get a tow truck guy,

00:34:39and the tow truck guy shows up out of nowhere.

00:34:42Yeah, I know.

00:34:43Like, out of nowhere.

00:34:43So fast.

00:34:44And then I said to the guy, how much?

00:34:47And I started running to ATM, a couple of them,

00:34:51to pay this guy.

00:34:52And then Norm and Artie came over, and what was exactly...

00:34:55No, I went to Bob, and I said,

00:35:01the guy doesn't want any money.

00:35:04All he wants is your autograph.

00:35:05He loves Full House.

00:35:07But the guy was a Mexican.

00:35:08He couldn't even speak English.

00:35:10Wait, that doesn't track necessarily.

00:35:13Wait, am I missing that much?

00:35:14Well, you know, any person from anywhere

00:35:17could not want a picture of mine.

00:35:19No, no, no, no.

00:35:20This guy, though, didn't even know popular culture.

00:35:23He did not know.

00:35:24He had never seen anything that I would...

00:35:27Probably anything on television.

00:35:29But what happened when he went over to Bob

00:35:31or when Bob brought over the autograph?

00:35:33Bob knows that part.

00:35:34What happened was...

00:35:35I think Norm has a point,

00:35:37because the guy probably spent his whole life

00:35:39just getting here illegally

00:35:40and tried to get his family here.

00:35:42And so his last thing would be...

00:35:45The most famous guy to him was a coyote.

00:35:49Or the border guard.

00:35:51Yeah.

00:35:52That didn't shoot one of his kids.

00:35:54Yeah.

00:35:54So I didn't know what to do,

00:35:58because Norm said,

00:35:59this guy wants your picture.

00:36:01I think you said for his kid.

00:36:03Yeah, for his kid, yeah.

00:36:04He doesn't want any money.

00:36:05He doesn't want any...

00:36:06He wants my picture?

00:36:07Okay.

00:36:07And I got hundreds of dollars ready.

00:36:09And he says...

00:36:10I go over to him, and I go,

00:36:11okay, how much?

00:36:13And he said, $800.

00:36:17And I was like, oh, okay.

00:36:19So already I know that there's more to it,

00:36:21that the guy doesn't just want my picture.

00:36:24And then the guy said,

00:36:26so I have a picture for you.

00:36:28I happen to have them.

00:36:29I don't know.

00:36:29I had pictures.

00:36:30Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:36:31I said, so who do you want me to make this out to?

00:36:35And he goes, I don't know who you are, man.

00:36:37I don't want your picture.

00:36:40You got very proliferant.

00:36:41Artie and Norma just pounding on the cement and laughing.

00:36:44That was the funniest thing they ever saw.

00:36:45It was exactly what dirty work was.

00:36:47You know, it was just playing a prank on me.

00:36:50And now the story that I love from Bob Saget,

00:36:54and this could happen to you,

00:36:55but one day his chair wasn't there.

00:37:01That's a true story.

00:37:04I say one day his chair was not there.

00:37:10This is a, I was, before I got on this show Full House,

00:37:13I was on a show called The Morning Program on CBS.

00:37:16I was there for four months, and then they fired me,

00:37:20but I didn't know I was getting fired.

00:37:22One morning the host, Marriott Hartley, said to me,

00:37:25are you a type A person?

00:37:27This is live CBS television.

00:37:28Are you a type A person?

00:37:29I said, yes, but I'm working on my anus.

00:37:32I meant A-ness, and she said, go to your room.

00:37:35And they sent me to the back of the set.

00:37:37Go to your room.

00:37:38They sent me there,

00:37:39and it was like 10 minutes until the commercial,

00:37:41which was, now it's every seven.

00:37:43I was up standing by a flat, just back there waiting,

00:37:46and then I knew it just wasn't good.

00:37:48I mean, I knew I was going to be done.

00:37:50And the next day I came into work,

00:37:52and it was always three host chairs in the morning,

00:37:55and they would start it with a Marvin Hamer song,

00:37:58and I walked in in the morning.

00:38:02At 4.30 I would get there in the morning.

00:38:04I looked, and there were two chairs,

00:38:05and the producer, a very nice man, hired me,

00:38:07gave me a big break.

00:38:08Bob Shanks wrote a book, The Cool Fire,

00:38:10very smart producer guy.

00:38:12I walked over, he said, we're going to try to get your chair back.

00:38:17I said, what do you mean?

00:38:19I said, my chair, my chair is gone.

00:38:22He said, I pictured it like in the sawmill

00:38:24that was just getting used for kindling,

00:38:25and my chair never came back.

00:38:28I was sitting on the steps with a microphone going,

00:38:30it's 15 minutes after the hour.

00:38:33And then I called my manager,

00:38:34and then he said, this isn't good.

00:38:36And then I found out that Full House still wanted me.

00:38:39Oh, great.

00:38:41But for about a month, I thought, I got to move.

00:38:44I mean, I had no more money, it was over.

00:38:46You've worked pretty well nonstop since you were a young man.

00:38:49I have a work ethic, so I was a deli clerk.

00:38:52I mean, I always worked.

00:38:53Yeah, more than a work ethic.

00:38:55That's Protestant.

00:38:56Kind of overly hard driving, because my dad, I think.

00:38:59Work ethic is a Protestant work ethic.

00:39:02It's Protestant?

00:39:03Yeah.

00:39:03Jews don't have a work ethic?

00:39:05No, no.

00:39:05They're just conniving and sneaky?

00:39:07Yeah.

00:39:07No, they have much, much, much,

00:39:09goes much deeper with that race.

00:39:12Because they have to get back at the...

00:39:14I don't know the...

00:39:15I'm no expert.

00:39:16But you...

00:39:16But I know they're stripped of everything,

00:39:19and then 10 years later, they got all the gold back.

00:39:21What do you mean when you say stripped of everything?

00:39:24There's a lot of people of all...

00:39:25What?

00:39:25What do you mean when you say stripped of everything?

00:39:27Don't start this again.

00:39:29Please don't start this again.

00:39:31He doesn't believe in the...

00:39:32Whatever.

00:39:33What?

00:39:34I never got to go to camp.

00:39:35He doesn't believe in the Holocaust.

00:39:35I never went to camp when I was a kid.

00:39:37Is that a good change of subject?

00:39:39He doesn't believe that the Holocaust happened.

00:39:41Do you believe...

00:39:42Do you not believe that?

00:39:43I had a bar mitzvah.

00:39:44Again.

00:39:45Why would you have a bar mitzvah

00:39:46if you didn't believe the Holocaust happened?

00:39:47Oh, Jesus, every time.

00:39:49What about the moon?

00:39:49Do you believe Jews land on the moon?

00:39:51Yeah, right.

00:39:52Jews land on the moon?

00:39:56How long have you had to work with them?

00:39:57The Polish...

00:39:58I remember the Poland...

00:40:00Do you remember they were trying to...

00:40:02Had something.

00:40:03They were trying to land on the sun.

00:40:06Oh, yes.

00:40:06And you know what the first man did

00:40:08when he landed on the sun?

00:40:09Murray Langston.

00:40:10That's one of the first jokes I heard when I was 17.

00:40:12Oh, I can't...

00:40:12It's an old joke.

00:40:13I don't want to talk about Murray Langston.

00:40:14I wanted to talk about...

00:40:16But anyways...

00:40:17Yeah, whatever that hot foot.

00:40:18I was going to say...

00:40:19No, I was going to say

00:40:20that the Polish government

00:40:22did actually try to land on the sun

00:40:24back in the...

00:40:24No, no, they didn't.

00:40:26Yes, and they were ridiculed for it

00:40:28because they said...

00:40:29They said, you know,

00:40:30you'll burn up

00:40:31when you come anywhere near.

00:40:33They said, we're going at night.

00:40:34Who...

00:40:35Oh.

00:40:37Who reasoned with the Polish government

00:40:38and told them that

00:40:40after they said

00:40:40we're coming at night?

00:40:42Well, I mean,

00:40:43I told that joke once

00:40:44and the guy got real mad at me

00:40:46and then I changed the joke

00:40:47to just stupid, stupid guy

00:40:48instead of Polish.

00:40:49That's an outboard.

00:40:50Same guy got angry at me.

00:40:52Because he was...

00:40:54Coincidental?

00:40:55That's not my joke.

00:40:57That's...

00:40:57You know whose joke that is?

00:40:58His baby man.

00:40:59What was his name?

00:41:00Bruce Baum.

00:41:00Yeah, Bruce Baum.

00:41:01Who one time,

00:41:02I was watching a...

00:41:03They used to have softcore porn.

00:41:05I don't know if you remember that, Bob.

00:41:06Yeah, yeah.

00:41:07SpectraVision.

00:41:07Yeah.

00:41:08Oh, yeah.

00:41:08SpectraVision for the discerning businessman

00:41:10that wants to jerk off.

00:41:11One time I'm watching it

00:41:12trying to, you know,

00:41:14have my...

00:41:15Bruce helped me.

00:41:15He was a friend of mine.

00:41:16Bruce helped you reach...

00:41:17Got me on Make Me Laugh.

00:41:19The show Make Me Laugh.

00:41:19Oh, yes, yes.

00:41:20The first time I got on it

00:41:20was because Bruce said...

00:41:21I want to help Bob.

00:41:22You'd be good at that

00:41:23because you're so fast.

00:41:24You need to...

00:41:24Right?

00:41:25You need to...

00:41:25I was then.

00:41:25Jokes fast, fast,

00:41:26right in your face.

00:41:27You.

00:41:28Right in your face.

00:41:28That takes you back to the...

00:41:30No, I was going to ask you who,

00:41:32and then you said

00:41:33Murray Langston,

00:41:34but I was trying to ask you

00:41:35who is the biggest star

00:41:37you ever met in your life?

00:41:39Biggest star?

00:41:40I mean...

00:41:40I mean, even just met.

00:41:42President?

00:41:43The President of the United States?

00:41:45No, no, no, no.

00:41:46The Hair Club for Men.

00:41:47Oh.

00:41:48Yeah, I met, yeah.

00:41:49Who?

00:41:50The Butch President?

00:41:50Cy.

00:41:52Cy Sperling.

00:41:53That's a good...

00:41:53Well, Bill Clinton

00:41:56shook, you know, his hand.

00:41:57Yeah, yeah.

00:41:58Who else?

00:41:59George Bush Sr.

00:42:01Yeah.

00:42:01I did a couple events for him.

00:42:02Yeah.

00:42:03For Barbara Bush, actually,

00:42:04because she was helping

00:42:05women's charities.

00:42:06Yeah.

00:42:07So that's a little different.

00:42:08What about in show business?

00:42:09That's not show business?

00:42:11Well, I know.

00:42:12Well, we...

00:42:12Well, maybe, I don't know.

00:42:14Janine Garofalo?

00:42:14I guess maybe it is.

00:42:16Mick Jagger, I guess.

00:42:17You meant Mick Jagger.

00:42:19Now we're getting somewhere.

00:42:20Yeah.

00:42:21Holy crow, what happened there?

00:42:22What's the story?

00:42:23There's got to be some story there.

00:42:25Well, it was a...

00:42:26You really want to hear it?

00:42:27Yeah.

00:42:28Holy crow?

00:42:29I mean, meeting Mick Jagger?

00:42:31You met Mick Jagger.

00:42:32You met everybody.

00:42:33I've never met Mick Jagger.

00:42:34I met Mick Jagger.

00:42:35On SNL, you met pretty much everybody.

00:42:37I was in the years

00:42:38where they had bad hosts.

00:42:40Well, I hosted.

00:42:42That's true.

00:42:44I was there when you hosted Saget.

00:42:47I remember when...

00:42:48It was a dismal, dark time.

00:42:50When I talked to Bob

00:42:51was at...

00:42:52It was an auto at Hiccups.

00:42:53The second time

00:42:54was at Saturday Night Live.

00:42:55He's hosting.

00:42:56And I was like,

00:42:57what's going on?

00:42:59He's like,

00:42:59I'm doing good.

00:43:00Married for whatever,

00:43:0115 years.

00:43:02I'm like,

00:43:02God, 15 years?

00:43:03That seems like a long time.

00:43:04He's like,

00:43:04no, I wake up every day

00:43:05with wood.

00:43:06I like to fuck my...

00:43:07What?

00:43:07Three months later,

00:43:08he's divorced.

00:43:10Well, first thing,

00:43:10we were married 15 years.

00:43:12Yeah.

00:43:13And I never said

00:43:14I wake up every morning

00:43:15with wood.

00:43:15I never said that.

00:43:16I was going to say,

00:43:16while you're married,

00:43:18of course,

00:43:18you want to,

00:43:19you know,

00:43:20you don't want to tell a stranger

00:43:21it's not going well.

00:43:22Well, you might have said it

00:43:23on the news.

00:43:24You know,

00:43:24I don't know.

00:43:25I probably would have said something.

00:43:26You would have.

00:43:27You said what you felt.

00:43:28Who was hosting Weekend Update

00:43:29when you popped in to Ellen?

00:43:31I remember Ellen Cleaghorn

00:43:32was all bummed out

00:43:33when Full House said it.

00:43:33That was that.

00:43:34Was that you?

00:43:35That was him on the news.

00:43:35Oh, so that...

00:43:36Yeah, and Ellen was crying

00:43:37about Full House

00:43:38being off the air.

00:43:40And the joke was

00:43:41that a black person

00:43:42would never watch Full House.

00:43:43Was that the joke?

00:43:44Why was it called Full House?

00:43:45I think that was...

00:43:46Well, because it was

00:43:47a house that was full

00:43:48of a lot of people.

00:43:49It had three guys

00:43:50and three girls

00:43:51and neighbors

00:43:51and, you know,

00:43:54boyfriends

00:43:54and all that stuff.

00:43:55Yeah, but a full house

00:43:56also is a car.

00:43:58It is.

00:43:59And it means

00:44:00you've got a lot of...

00:44:02Your hand is full.

00:44:03Yeah.

00:44:04So there's an overrunning

00:44:05of abundancy.

00:44:06Yeah.

00:44:07My hand is full.

00:44:08I'll tell you that one.

00:44:08Because you have a big juicy...

00:44:10Yeah.

00:44:13But we had so many

00:44:14cool things happen

00:44:15on Dirty Work.

00:44:16People ask me about it

00:44:17all the time.

00:44:18I mean, see,

00:44:18being here with you,

00:44:19I kind of feel like

00:44:20there's people...

00:44:21Every person on that cast,

00:44:23maybe not the girl,

00:44:25but...

00:44:25She was good.

00:44:26But everybody...

00:44:27Taylor Howard was good.

00:44:28Yeah, no, she was good,

00:44:29but everybody else

00:44:29was so fun to be around.

00:44:31Well, Chris Farley.

00:44:33Farley and Chevy

00:44:35and...

00:44:35Farley is just...

00:44:36Becca Romaine.

00:44:38She was just the bearded lady

00:44:39just for a moment.

00:44:40Gord Marcineau.

00:44:43What language are you speaking?

00:44:44He was the one that said,

00:44:44son of a bitch bastard.

00:44:46Oh, that guy.

00:44:48Who did...

00:44:49I'll punch you in the stomach, Mitch.

00:44:51Who's that guy?

00:44:52The guy who was the owner of your...

00:44:55You rented the space from him.

00:44:56He was written as...

00:44:57I'll punch you in the stomach.

00:44:58He was written as an Irishman,

00:44:59but he was sort of crazy.

00:45:00You get what you get.

00:45:01He was good.

00:45:02He was good in the movie.

00:45:03Yeah, he was funny.

00:45:04I like to...

00:45:04Jack Warden, obviously.

00:45:05Jack Warden.

00:45:06Jack Warden.

00:45:08Jack Warden did a funny thing to me

00:45:09the first day when he came in.

00:45:12I was sitting with maybe even you

00:45:14and Bobby Simons.

00:45:16But anyways, he came in

00:45:18and he said,

00:45:19I'm excited about this prize.

00:45:22This is going to be a lot of fun.

00:45:23I can't wait to meet Norm.

00:45:24I like him.

00:45:25You know, I'm a big fan.

00:45:26I'm sitting right there.

00:45:27And he goes,

00:45:28I'm a big fan of Norm.

00:45:29You know, I watch him every week.

00:45:30This guy's a funny guy.

00:45:31He's looking right at me.

00:45:32He goes, this guy's a funny...

00:45:33He's just bullshitting, you know,

00:45:34that he knows me.

00:45:35He goes, this guy's a funny guy.

00:45:36You know, I can't wait to...

00:45:38So I was so embarrassed

00:45:38because I can't wait to meet him.

00:45:40I'm fucking with you, buddy.

00:45:41I fucking got you, you motherfucker.

00:45:44He was joking.

00:45:47Everything he said in the movie

00:45:49was like a violation to you and Artie,

00:45:52which is almost impossible.

00:45:54Here we go.

00:45:54I was a stunt cock in the Stagg films.

00:45:56I think we had to take that out.

00:45:58We had to take that out.

00:45:59And you and Artie are just like,

00:46:01Pop, please.

00:46:02You know.

00:46:03The sequel.

00:46:04I have the idea for the sequel.

00:46:05You're directing to me

00:46:08was always going, do this.

00:46:09Yeah.

00:46:11I said, Norm, we need a little more.

00:46:12Throw him one of these.

00:46:14And then I would go up to Artie

00:46:16and he was like, he was just,

00:46:18you know, he was good.

00:46:19He was always good.

00:46:20He was always writing the news lines.

00:46:21Yeah.

00:46:21And I just would go over to him

00:46:23because he wasn't doing anything wrong.

00:46:24And I went, okay.

00:46:25And this next take,

00:46:26I'm going to fuck you in the ass.

00:46:27Yeah, yeah.

00:46:28And he went, what?

00:46:29And all it did was,

00:46:30I don't think it helped.

00:46:31You know, Jack Worden told me something

00:46:33and I don't know anything about acting,

00:46:34but I didn't realize this.

00:46:35He said how hard it is

00:46:36because he was in bed

00:46:37for most of the movie, you know.

00:46:39He was in there a lot

00:46:39trying to get him hard.

00:46:40And he said it's very tough

00:46:41to act that way.

00:46:42I didn't realize that.

00:46:43But of course,

00:46:44We were very lucky.

00:46:45You're not using your body

00:46:46or, you know what I mean,

00:46:46it would be good for me

00:46:52Misery, the movie Misery.

00:46:53Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:46:53James Caan's in bed

00:46:54and Kathy Bates hobbles him

00:46:56and whose life is it anyway?

00:46:58Richard Dreyfuss was in a bed.

00:46:59But Jack Worden was an older guy already

00:47:02and he was, God,

00:47:03he did so many amazing movies.

00:47:05I mean, it was really cool

00:47:06to have him there.

00:47:08You hobble a horse, don't you?

00:47:09Not James Caan.

00:47:11He was hobble.

00:47:13You took a hammer at James Caan.

00:47:15Oh, yeah, James Caan.

00:47:15Kathy Bates hobbled.

00:47:17I tell you hobbled a horse.

00:47:19You do,

00:47:19which is why it was fucked up

00:47:21that she hobbled James Caan

00:47:22as a character

00:47:23that Stephen King wrote

00:47:25in that movie.

00:47:25And then James Caan

00:47:26was in a movie

00:47:27with the horse's head.

00:47:29Before that.

00:47:30The Godfather was way before that.

00:47:31Who was that guy?

00:47:33That guy,

00:47:34the studio head,

00:47:35really good actor.

00:47:36Can you do an impression of him?

00:47:38No.

00:47:39Try it.

00:47:40Yeah, no,

00:47:40try and say that guinea.

00:47:42He was beautiful.

00:47:44Yeah, there you go.

00:47:45Why aren't you giving me...

00:47:46I'll be...

00:47:47I'll be...

00:47:49Easy, easy.

00:47:50Oh, sorry.

00:47:51Jesus Christ.

00:47:52I'll be Robert Duvall,

00:47:54the consulary.

00:47:55What is it?

00:47:55The consulary.

00:47:56Yeah.

00:47:57I only have one client.

00:47:58Okay, I'll say...

00:47:59So, is it all right?

00:48:01Is he going to get the part?

00:48:02Yeah.

00:48:03No, she's not going to get the part.

00:48:05Why not?

00:48:06I'll tell you why.

00:48:07Because your guinea came in

00:48:09with his olive oil skin

00:48:11and his guinea charm.

00:48:12She was beautiful.

00:48:14She's the best layman.

00:48:15She was the best layman I ever had.

00:48:17Yeah.

00:48:19Yeah.

00:48:20Yeah.

00:48:20That's pretty right on.

00:48:22That's pretty awesome, man.

00:48:23I couldn't do that.

00:48:24We're going to do jokes.

00:48:24We'll be back.

00:48:25We'll do some jokes

00:48:26when we come back.

00:48:27Hell yeah.

00:48:28We're going to do jokes.

00:48:31We're back with Bob Saget.

00:48:33He's done everything

00:48:33in this business.

00:48:34Now,

00:48:35he is a best-selling author

00:48:37with Dirty Daddy.

00:48:39So innocent,

00:48:40so pure,

00:48:41yet he was destined

00:48:42to become.

00:48:44Dirty Daddy,

00:48:45Bob Saget is with us.

00:48:47Well, Bob.

00:48:48I'm happy to see you.

00:48:49You've got to be excited

00:48:49about a book, though.

00:48:51I'm excited.

00:48:51I put work into it,

00:48:52and my daughters liked it,

00:48:54which is, you know,

00:48:54it's a book that has

00:48:56death and comedy,

00:48:57and I do talk about

00:48:58my balls a lot.

00:48:59But your daughters

00:48:59are okay with it.

00:49:00They're proud of it.

00:49:01They loved it.

00:49:02My mother passed away

00:49:04a couple months ago,

00:49:04and she was reading it.

00:49:05I saw there's a...

00:49:07There's an homage to her.

00:49:08Homage to her right here.

00:49:10Yeah, there it is.

00:49:12I'm going to read.

00:49:13As I was writing this book

00:49:14over the past year and a half,

00:49:15I began noticing

00:49:16that some of the events

00:49:17and themes described within,

00:49:18loved ones becoming ill,

00:49:20and how comedy gets us

00:49:21through our pain,

00:49:22which is kind of a theme

00:49:23of the book,

00:49:24were coming true yet again.

00:49:26How crazy that I was

00:49:27basically living out

00:49:28many of my tragic moments

00:49:29from the book

00:49:30once more

00:49:32as I was writing it.

00:49:34I find it ironic,

00:49:36yet also sweetly poignant,

00:49:38that life goes in cycles.

00:49:39As the book went to press,

00:49:42I lost my loving mother

00:49:44at the age of 89.

00:49:46Her beloved wife,

00:49:47mother, grandmother,

00:49:48aunt, and friend,

00:49:49she touched countless lives

00:49:51through the generations

00:49:52and will always be remembered.

00:49:54This is for you, Mom.

00:49:56Dolly Saget, 1925 to 2014.

00:50:06That's made up.

00:50:07She didn't die.

00:50:11You can't just cry.

00:50:13I don't want to.

00:50:14You know, I did.

00:50:15I started to cry.

00:50:16You were starting to cry

00:50:17and then you went to a joke.

00:50:18That's the story of how I lost my mother.

00:50:19Which is exactly

00:50:19what this book's all about.

00:50:21It is.

00:50:21You start to cry

00:50:22and you go to a joke.

00:50:23You do because

00:50:24you don't want to let people

00:50:25into that.

00:50:26You have a lot of stuff

00:50:27that's happened in your life

00:50:28and you don't want to.

00:50:29You and I have talked privately

00:50:31and see what you do.

00:50:33Don't bring up.

00:50:34Let's see.

00:50:36It's time to do jokes.

00:50:39This is where I put in a big thing.

00:50:41Jokes.

00:50:42Yeah.

00:50:42So here, you can start.

00:50:43Does it flash?

00:50:44Does that have an explanation?

00:50:44You can start.

00:50:45Just do the joke

00:50:45right into that camera.

00:50:46Who wrote these?

00:50:47You got me just doing jokes.

00:50:49Just read it.

00:50:49Unsolicited.

00:50:50Is this from that joke book

00:50:51that 1942?

00:50:52No, this is a real joke.

00:50:53Two businessmen.

00:50:54I didn't write this.

00:50:55This is a topical joke.

00:50:56Topical?

00:50:57Yes.

00:50:57Ripped from the pages

00:50:58of today's headlines.

00:50:59Two businessmen

00:51:00bought the Milwaukee Bucks

00:51:02for $550 million.

00:51:03They are very excited

00:51:04with their purchase

00:51:06as this is the only legal way

00:51:08to own black people.

00:51:09Now that is here

00:51:10and I read that.

00:51:11Well, you're nuts.

00:51:13They're.

00:51:13You know how businessmen

00:51:14are racist?

00:51:16They are.

00:51:17Yeah, so it's them

00:51:17being racist.

00:51:18They are.

00:51:18Not you.

00:51:19The two businessmen

00:51:21that bought the Milwaukee Bucks

00:51:22for $550 million

00:51:23are racist according to this.

00:51:25Oh, no, they're fine, man.

00:51:26They're.

00:51:27Jenny McCarthy

00:51:28recently got engaged

00:51:29to former new kid

00:51:30on the block,

00:51:31Donnie Wahlberg.

00:51:32They plan to marry

00:51:33on retard island.

00:51:36Now why couldn't

00:51:37I have gotten this one?

00:51:38What?

00:51:39You throwing me

00:51:40under the bus

00:51:41on the next one again?

00:51:42No, I'll give you.

00:51:42Give me one

00:51:43of your better ones.

00:51:43I'll give you a good one.

00:51:47Give me one

00:51:48that doesn't offend

00:51:49many people.

00:51:50This is not topical.

00:51:51It's just about,

00:51:52it's as if,

00:51:53it's as if it's

00:51:54about your life.

00:51:55How come none

00:51:56of my friends

00:51:57ever have a dungeon?

00:51:58Instead,

00:51:58they all just have

00:51:59rape dungeons.

00:52:01So it's not

00:52:01a regular dungeon.

00:52:03That's what you're saying.

00:52:03A rape dungeon.

00:52:04Thanks again.

00:52:05The bus,

00:52:05I've never been thrown

00:52:06under an entire

00:52:07trailways fleet.

00:52:09I found the secret

00:52:10to life

00:52:11is there is no problem

00:52:13that a huge...

00:52:15No, I found

00:52:18the secret to life, Bob,

00:52:19and this is it.

00:52:20There is no problem

00:52:21big enough

00:52:22that a huge...

00:52:24That a huge...

00:52:25That a huge what?

00:52:28No, I found the secret.

00:52:29I found out

00:52:30the secret to life.

00:52:31Yes, oh, great one.

00:52:32Yes, and it is this.

00:52:34There is no problem

00:52:35big enough

00:52:36that a huge black cock

00:52:37cannot fix.

00:52:38Didn't expect that at all.

00:52:40Didn't expect that

00:52:41with these.

00:52:42Didn't see that.

00:52:43I have here

00:52:44the last joke.

00:52:47All right,

00:52:48what's that one?

00:52:48The last joke.

00:52:50Yeah, if you want.

00:52:51You're holding

00:52:52in your hand

00:52:52the last joke.

00:52:53Yes.

00:52:56Oh, here's one.

00:52:58I think you'd like this one.

00:53:00Michelle Obama.

00:53:01It's a topical joke.

00:53:02I know, I know, I know.

00:53:03You've sold the other ones

00:53:04to me in the same way.

00:53:05Adam Goodworth.

00:53:07Michelle Obama

00:53:08has booked a cameo

00:53:09on the ABC show

00:53:11Nashville.

00:53:11Start again.

00:53:12All right.

00:53:13Kids today.

00:53:14You can't spell ABC.

00:53:18Wow.

00:53:20Michelle Obama

00:53:21has booked a cameo

00:53:22on the ABC show Nashville.

00:53:24With this and her appearance

00:53:25on iCarly,

00:53:27I think Michelle is ready

00:53:27to start appearing in films.

00:53:29May I suggest

00:53:30my favorite film series,

00:53:31Black Ass Fuckers?

00:53:36Does this go live

00:53:37to web?

00:53:39Oh, my God.

00:53:40Is that an actual

00:53:40digital?

00:53:41It's Black Ass Fuckers.

00:53:42Norm, I actually,

00:53:44there is a series.

00:53:45That is true.

00:53:46There is a series.

00:53:47All right.

00:53:47Because I saw

00:53:48Black Ass Fuckers

00:53:49number five.

00:53:51A pale imitation.

00:53:52I missed number five.

00:53:54But let me ask you.

00:53:55That's where it really

00:53:55jumped the shark.

00:53:55Let me ask you a question.

00:53:56It jumped the shark.

00:53:57Black Ass Fuckers.

00:53:58It jumped the shark.

00:53:59You just write all these?

00:54:00Is that what happened?

00:54:01It jumped the shark.

00:54:02I understand.

00:54:02Do you want Shark Tank?

00:54:03No, I did see,

00:54:04there was a magazine,

00:54:05I love Shark Tank.

00:54:07Yeah.

00:54:07Oh, my,

00:54:07this is my favorite show.

00:54:09I did see a magazine

00:54:11called Black Ass Fuckers,

00:54:12I'll be honest.

00:54:14And I looked at it,

00:54:15I opened it,

00:54:16and it used to be

00:54:17you'd open it

00:54:18and pages would fall out.

00:54:20I don't know

00:54:20if you remember

00:54:20the old porno.

00:54:22No, I...

00:54:22You'd open it.

00:54:23Anyways.

00:54:24I used to get

00:54:24Playboy's.

00:54:25Every picture was just

00:54:26a black ass

00:54:27with cum coming

00:54:28out of the asshole.

00:54:29Should we do

00:54:30the last joke?

00:54:31Do the last.

00:54:31You should do it yourself.

00:54:32Just pick your favorite.

00:54:33I should do the last joke?

00:54:33Pick your favorite.

00:54:34Pick your favorite

00:54:34out of all those.

00:54:35Okay.

00:54:36Oh, this one's good

00:54:37because you guys

00:54:38can join me

00:54:39at the end of the joke.

00:54:40You'll see why.

00:54:41Remember?

00:54:43Just get ready.

00:54:43This is like

00:54:44the worst Passover Seder

00:54:45I've ever been at.

00:54:46You know what that is?

00:54:47I know what a Passover Seder is,

00:54:49but the worst Passover Seder

00:54:51is when you're there

00:54:52and this guy's talking

00:54:54about the smokestacks

00:54:55of Birkenau

00:54:56not being true.

00:54:57Because he doesn't

00:54:58think it's true.

00:54:59There's no way

00:55:00I would bring that up

00:55:00at Pesach.

00:55:01This is the closest

00:55:03I've seen to him

00:55:03in the Holocaust

00:55:04where he said,

00:55:05I think people have died.

00:55:07He's like,

00:55:07six million,

00:55:08six hundred?

00:55:09What's the difference?

00:55:09I'm like,

00:55:10there's a lot of difference.

00:55:12There's a huge difference.

00:55:14You know,

00:55:14Passover,

00:55:15they say that it was

00:55:16the Last Supper

00:55:17was supposed to be

00:55:18the Passover dinner,

00:55:20I think.

00:55:20Oh, is that right?

00:55:21I don't know.

00:55:21I made that up

00:55:22because most of the

00:55:23other facts have been

00:55:24made up.

00:55:24Well, isn't Passover

00:55:25where they put the

00:55:26lamb blood on the door?

00:55:28The lamb blood on the door.

00:55:28That'll keep anybody away.

00:55:30Yeah.

00:55:31If I put lamb blood

00:55:32on my door,

00:55:32you probably would

00:55:33call 911.

00:55:34And the Jewish children

00:55:35were spared.

00:55:37Yes,

00:55:37because they wanted

00:55:38to...

00:55:38And my people...

00:55:39Which is,

00:55:40what people is that?

00:55:41The Semites,

00:55:43though.

00:55:43The Semites,

00:55:44not anti.

00:55:44The Semites

00:55:45that weren't Jews.

00:55:47The children

00:55:48were slaughtered

00:55:50by God,

00:55:51by the angel of death.

00:55:52Oh, the Egyptian

00:55:53in the first

00:55:54Old Testament,

00:55:56apparently,

00:55:56they were...

00:55:57Deuteronomy.

00:55:57The Pharaoh

00:55:58in the Ten Commandments movie.

00:56:00I don't know about...

00:56:02The animated one

00:56:03that I saw on...

00:56:04I don't know about these.

00:56:04Oh, that's true.

00:56:05I read the book.

00:56:07Did you?

00:56:08Yeah.

00:56:08Here it is, ready?

00:56:09What's your favorite

00:56:10religious movie?

00:56:12I loved

00:56:13Passion of the Christ.

00:56:14Did you?

00:56:14Although,

00:56:15I will say,

00:56:16I thought it was

00:56:16very anti-Semitic

00:56:17because every Jew

00:56:18looked like fucking

00:56:19Lovitz.

00:56:22You know what I mean?

00:56:22They were all like,

00:56:23yeah,

00:56:24hook noses and stuff.

00:56:26So I could see

00:56:26the anti-Semitism.

00:56:28But what I liked

00:56:28was the incredible violence.

00:56:30But you know

00:56:31what was strange?

00:56:31Did you...

00:56:32Did they ask them,

00:56:33did you kill Jesus?

00:56:35No.

00:56:36But when they took...

00:56:38When they tore apart

00:56:40Jesus with that...

00:56:41When they flayed him

00:56:42with that thing...

00:56:42I'm sorry,

00:56:43I asked that.

00:56:43And then they took him

00:56:44to cavalry,

00:56:45it seemed like

00:56:46almost an anti-climax

00:56:47when they nailed him

00:56:48to the cross

00:56:49because he had been

00:56:50beaten so savagely

00:56:51with that crazy ball

00:56:53with spikes in it.

00:56:54Have you ever seen

00:56:54the movie?

00:56:55No.

00:56:55It's hard for me

00:56:56to watch people

00:56:57suffer like that.

00:56:57Yeah.

00:56:58And like this.

00:57:00Which is more difficult

00:57:02to watch,

00:57:02this or

00:57:03The Passion of the Christ?

00:57:05No,

00:57:05Passion of the Christ

00:57:06is my favorite

00:57:06biblical movie.

00:57:07What was your favorite one?

00:57:08Ben-Hur?

00:57:09I actually liked

00:57:13The Last Temptation of Christ,

00:57:15that Warren Scorsese did.

00:57:17Although it was

00:57:18a lot of New Yorkers.

00:57:19You are a Jew

00:57:19persecuting Jews.

00:57:20How could you do that?

00:57:22Harvey Keitel.

00:57:22Yeah, yeah.

00:57:23But I liked it

00:57:24because it was trying to...

00:57:25I heard,

00:57:25this is what I heard,

00:57:26that,

00:57:28what was the movie?

00:57:31I guess it was Ben-Hur.

00:57:33But at the end,

00:57:36Christ is up on the cross

00:57:37and John Wayne

00:57:39is in the movie.

00:57:40Because John Wayne

00:57:41always wanted to get out

00:57:43of his Western thing.

00:57:44So whoever the director was,

00:57:45it was one of those big guys.

00:57:48John Ford,

00:57:48I don't think it was...

00:57:49Ben-Hur?

00:57:50Yeah,

00:57:50I don't know who it was.

00:57:51I don't remember.

00:57:51But anyways,

00:57:52they said that...

00:57:53I don't know if this is true,

00:57:54but they said,

00:57:55you know,

00:57:55he came up

00:57:55and he had,

00:57:56you know,

00:57:56he was still John Wayne

00:57:57so he had the last line

00:57:59of the movie

00:57:59which was,

00:58:01surely this man

00:58:02is the son of God.

00:58:04And it was like,

00:58:04oh,

00:58:04it's John Wayne saying that,

00:58:06you know?

00:58:06So he goes,

00:58:07he goes,

00:58:08you're doing it like

00:58:08John Wayne,

00:58:09like a cowboy,

00:58:10you know?

00:58:12This is probably not true,

00:58:13but the director said,

00:58:15yeah,

00:58:15John Wayne has the last line

00:58:16in the movie.

00:58:17All right.

00:58:17So the director said,

00:58:20do it,

00:58:20this is the God,

00:58:22you know,

00:58:22just as Jesus.

00:58:23Do it with awe,

00:58:25you know?

00:58:26All right.

00:58:26So what did John Wayne say?

00:58:28Ah.

00:58:31Yeah,

00:58:31I don't know

00:58:32what the line was.

00:58:32Ah,

00:58:33surely this is the next one.

00:58:36Yeah,

00:58:36partner.

00:58:37All right,

00:58:37this is the final joke.

00:58:39Chicago is now number one

00:58:41in murder and sausages.

00:58:44That sounds like

00:58:45my kind of town.

00:58:47Chicago is

00:58:48my kind of town.

00:58:50Chicago.

00:58:51I like Chicago.

00:58:53You don't know

00:58:53that fucking sign?

00:58:54Chicago.

00:58:55You have to pay

00:58:56for music royalties here?

00:58:57Yeah,

00:58:57yeah,

00:58:58that's,

00:58:58yeah,

00:58:58we got to work on that.

00:58:59By the way,

00:59:00I just want to tell you

00:59:01that this was

00:59:02really fun to do this.

00:59:04At first,

00:59:04I was excited to see you

00:59:05when I came in

00:59:06before we rolled anything.

00:59:07Yeah.

00:59:07I'm really happy to see you.

00:59:08Oh.

00:59:09You look great.

00:59:09Oh,

00:59:10thanks.

00:59:10I got glasses now.

00:59:11I like them.

00:59:12They're non-reflective of them.

00:59:13I got it off you.

00:59:14I gave you my own glasses.

00:59:15Yeah.

00:59:16Because I've had nothing

00:59:16but Robert Q. Lewis glasses

00:59:18for the past 15 years.

00:59:18Who's Robert Q. Lewis?

00:59:19He was that comedian guy

00:59:20on game shows

00:59:22that always wore glasses.

00:59:23He was a smart,

00:59:24chatty guy.

00:59:24Oh, yes.

00:59:25He was on like,

00:59:26I've got a secret.

00:59:27I've got a secret.

00:59:28Those things.

00:59:28But I don't know.

00:59:30Robert Q. Lewis,

00:59:31what do you say?

00:59:34I'm supposed to have his soul

00:59:35and have it my body.

00:59:37Robert Q. Lewis,

00:59:39what do you say?

00:59:40I've got a question.

00:59:41What is the question?

00:59:42I've got a secret.

00:59:43Yes.

00:59:43Robert Q. Lewis.

00:59:44What's your secret?

00:59:44I shit myself.

00:59:46That's what he would say.

00:59:48Kitty Carlisle,

00:59:49what do you have to say?

00:59:49Okay.

00:59:52Jesus Christ.

00:59:53It's the best improv.

00:59:54It's the regular.

00:59:54I know, right?

00:59:55We didn't know

00:59:56what we were going to ask.

00:59:57God damn.

00:59:58I don't know.

00:59:58I have to go on improv.

01:00:00I may be Robert G. Lewis.

01:00:01You be Kitty Carlisle.

01:00:02Unless me.

01:00:03I'm going to work

01:00:03on the work show

01:00:04at all.

01:00:04Kitty Carlisle.

01:00:06It's 1955.

01:00:07Would you like to guess

01:00:08the secret?

01:00:09Yeah, yeah.

01:00:10What is the secret?

01:00:11Kitty Carlisle.

01:00:12You're a woman.

01:00:14I think that his secret

01:00:15is that he was

01:00:16in Black Ass Fuckers.

01:00:18Wow.

01:00:19I don't know.

01:00:19Do you know

01:00:19Kitty Carlisle

01:00:20was named after

01:00:21Kitty Carlisle

01:00:23was named

01:00:24after a hotel

01:00:25in New York

01:00:26where pussy was good.

01:00:28Kitty Carlisle

01:00:30was basically

01:00:30a pussy

01:00:32whore hotel.

01:00:33Were there any

01:00:34actual facts

01:00:35in this whole

01:00:36interview?

01:00:36Yes.

01:00:37What?

01:00:38That I blew out

01:00:39the tire

01:00:40on Artie Lang's car.

01:00:42And Rodney.

01:00:43And Rodney's true.

01:00:44Man, I'm sweating

01:00:45like a fucking

01:00:46whore in church.

01:00:47We would be sweating

01:00:49like the people

01:00:50he doesn't believe

01:00:50it happened to.

01:00:52Yeah, I know, right?

01:00:54Is this going to be

01:00:55offensive to some people?

01:00:56I think it'll be

01:00:57offensive to the...

01:00:59Most people?

01:01:00Yeah, the state of Israel.

01:01:01But not your...

01:01:02I love the state of Israel.

01:01:04It's not a state,

01:01:04you know, it's a country.

01:01:06It's a country, yes.

01:01:07And I support

01:01:09it's right not to

01:01:10be extinct.

01:01:11Yeah, my mom lived

01:01:12on a kibbutz

01:01:13for two years.

01:01:14Good save.

01:01:15Yeah, really?

01:01:16Whatever.

01:01:18My mother likes

01:01:19falafels.

01:01:20My mother used to.

01:01:22Thanks for bringing

01:01:23that up.

01:01:24Sorry, Bob.

01:01:25Well, you're a good

01:01:26friend, Norm.

01:01:27And Adam,

01:01:28you're here.

01:01:31That's Rickles.

01:01:31That's what Rickles does.

01:01:33And Rickles is,

01:01:33I'm proud to say,

01:01:35because of John Stamos,

01:01:35I've been able to

01:01:36become friends

01:01:37with Rickles.

01:01:37I will say this,

01:01:39you know,

01:01:39I was very,

01:01:39you know,

01:01:40I was very envious

01:01:42of John Stamos

01:01:43being Rickles' best friend.

01:01:45I was like,

01:01:45ah, jeez, man,

01:01:46why can't I be?

01:01:47And then one time

01:01:47I went to a party

01:01:49and saw Stamos

01:01:51with Rickles,

01:01:51and then I wasn't

01:01:53envious anymore.

01:01:54Because it just

01:01:55didn't feel like

01:01:55somebody wanted to...

01:01:56Well, he's pushing

01:01:56him around,

01:01:57and Rickles...

01:01:59Rickles is doing

01:01:59better now.

01:02:00Is he?

01:02:01Yeah.

01:02:01He's 88.

01:02:03He still performs.

01:02:03He's outperforming,

01:02:04and he's running

01:02:06clips also.

01:02:07He's doing stand-up,

01:02:08but he's also sitting,

01:02:09and he's running clips

01:02:10from some of his

01:02:10best appearances.

01:02:11Oh, I gotcha, yeah.

01:02:12I saw Jerry Lewis

01:02:14do that in Vegas,

01:02:15but he wasn't old

01:02:16enough to need to.

01:02:18But he would talk

01:02:19for a little while,

01:02:20and then he'd show

01:02:21a clip from the...

01:02:24Telethon?

01:02:24From the telethon,

01:02:25yeah.

01:02:25And then he'd wheeze,

01:02:27like he'd be by the...

01:02:30Because he'd sing a song,

01:02:31and then he'd wheeze

01:02:33while he's showing

01:02:33the clip by the piano.

01:02:35He'd go,

01:02:36this one's called

01:02:37Crazy Legs.

01:02:39And then they'd show

01:02:40a clip for five minutes.

01:02:42But then one time

01:02:43he was singing,

01:02:44he was going to sing

01:02:45a song.

01:02:45He goes,

01:02:45I'm going to sing

01:02:46some bunch of

01:02:47Frank Sinatra songs,

01:02:48all right?

01:02:49And we're going to...

01:02:50And I love Frank Sinatra,

01:02:52and he was one

01:02:54of my true friends.

01:02:58And it would be

01:02:59a good idea,

01:03:00Frank,

01:03:02if I could hear myself,

01:03:03then possibly

01:03:04the audience

01:03:05could also hear me.

01:03:06Would that be too much

01:03:07to have?

01:03:08It was like,

01:03:08what the fuck's going on?

01:03:10Oh, no.

01:03:11He's talking to some guy.

01:03:12He had monitor problems.

01:03:13Yeah, he had monitor problems.

01:03:13Well, he didn't sing

01:03:14Walk On,

01:03:15because it didn't sound

01:03:15like he could sing that.

01:03:16No, no, no.

01:03:17He didn't sing

01:03:18Reel On, Sit On.

01:03:19Yeah, he wasn't

01:03:20much of a singer.

01:03:21No.

01:03:21But, you know,

01:03:22he actually was...

01:03:25I read in Dino,

01:03:26he was so jealous

01:03:28of Dean Martin

01:03:29that he put out

01:03:30his own album of songs,

01:03:32you know,

01:03:33because he wanted

01:03:33to beat Dean

01:03:34in everything.

01:03:35I actually...

01:03:36You asked me

01:03:36who I was in the presence.

01:03:37Dean Martin

01:03:38at Hamburger Hamlet.

01:03:39You know everything

01:03:40about me.

01:03:40That's what I meant.

01:03:41That's where I saw him.

01:03:42Was it Hamburger Hamlet?

01:03:43Yeah, I didn't know.

01:03:43That's where I saw him also.

01:03:44We must have talked

01:03:45about it, too.

01:03:46I don't know.

01:03:46Well, you know,

01:03:46it was me at Hamburger Hamlet.

01:03:47And I walked in there,

01:03:48and he had lost his son,

01:03:49and he was my...

01:03:50He was one of the guys

01:03:52that just did it like...

01:03:54That was the guy

01:03:54I looked at.

01:03:55Oh, yeah.

01:03:55He was a great guy.

01:03:55And he was sitting there,

01:03:57and he was having a martini,

01:03:58and I just walked over,

01:04:00and I was 22, 23,

01:04:03and I just kind of stood there.

01:04:05I didn't want to bother him,

01:04:05because I...

01:04:06Or maybe I was 24.

01:04:08And he was just sitting there,

01:04:10and he looked up,

01:04:11and he was nice,

01:04:13and I just went...

01:04:14I found your son.

01:04:16I found your son.

01:04:23That's it.

01:04:24Bob Stank has been our guest.

01:04:26Thank you, sir.

01:04:28Love you.

01:04:29Adam.

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