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00:00:06Today, for the full hour, Jack Carter will be with us.
00:00:08I have to explain the table.
00:00:10We had to get it lower for Mr. Carter
00:00:14because he broke both legs in a car accident.
00:00:17Oh, my God.
00:00:18But he still shows up.
00:00:20You know why?
00:00:21This is a man?
00:00:22No.
00:00:23Because the show must go on.
00:00:26Have you ever heard that one?
00:00:27I have.
00:00:28Yes.
00:00:28So, Jack Carter will be here.
00:00:30And he will be telling us about the real days of comedy.
00:00:36When men were men.
00:00:38I'm excited to hear.
00:00:39Yeah.
00:00:39We must have a million stories.
00:00:41So, first, of course, we have our business to attend to.
00:00:45I'm talking about our opening remarks.
00:00:47Now, many times, our opening remarks consist of me telling you a very funny joke.
00:00:53Yeah.
00:00:53Always love it.
00:00:54And you laughing.
00:00:54And they're not jokes I make up.
00:00:56No.
00:00:56They're old jokes.
00:00:57But you were telling me that you had compiled some old jokes that you'd like to tell me.
00:01:02I went through.
00:01:03I found a bunch of old jokes that I don't think you've heard before.
00:01:06I'd love to get your opinion on some of these.
00:01:08Sure.
00:01:08All right.
00:01:09So, first one I found, ladies on a cruise ship with their little boy.
00:01:13He falls over.
00:01:14Oh, yes.
00:01:15He also had a hat.
00:01:18Fair enough.
00:01:19You've heard that one.
00:01:20Here's a good one.
00:01:21Here's a good one.
00:01:22Guy dies, goes to heaven.
00:01:23He has to wait outside the pearly gate.
00:01:25That's JC, you idiot.
00:01:27His old man owns the place.
00:01:29A dog and a man go into a...
00:01:31Should I have said DiMaggio, perhaps?
00:01:33The point of these jokes is you have to get a little more obscure.
00:01:38Not jokes that any, you know, child would know.
00:01:47Oh, oh, here's one.
00:01:48Okay.
00:01:49In a convent.
00:01:50Not surprised.
00:01:51You've been bitching ever since you got here.
00:01:54Carpet.
00:01:55Here's your cigarette.
00:01:56By the way, have you seen my canaries?
00:01:58How do you freaking know these?
00:02:01All right.
00:02:01Ah, ah.
00:02:03A farmer.
00:02:03Turn the straw around.
00:02:05You think I need your germs?
00:02:09Anon is...
00:02:10Nice tits, lady.
00:02:12Now, where do you want these Venetian blinds?
00:02:15There's a parrot.
00:02:17Okay, I give up.
00:02:19What'd you do with the ship?
00:02:22How do you know these?
00:02:24Fuck.
00:02:25All right.
00:02:26Ah, all right.
00:02:27A Polish...
00:02:28Kidneys!
00:02:30Really?
00:02:31Yes, everyone knows this.
00:02:33Ah, God.
00:02:36Ah, a tapeworm.
00:02:37Where's my cookies?
00:02:40I don't even know that one.
00:02:41Okay.
00:02:42Because they're all hacked.
00:02:43You've got to get something.
00:02:44Come on, man.
00:02:46Okay.
00:02:46All right.
00:02:47Here you are.
00:02:48Here you go, Norm.
00:02:49I got one for you.
00:02:51I'm right in the air.
00:02:52I want to be the audience here.
00:02:53All right.
00:02:53There's a...
00:02:54Cannibal.
00:02:56Honestly, how did you even know I was going to say cannibal?
00:02:58This clown tastes funny.
00:03:00It's beyond frustrating.
00:03:03Well, come on.
00:03:03There must be something in there.
00:03:05Something.
00:03:08Okay.
00:03:12What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
00:03:16What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
00:03:20Really?
00:03:24I remember there was a branch of elephant jokes at one.
00:03:32I don't know.
00:03:32What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
00:03:36It's time to get a new fence.
00:03:43You're an idiot.
00:03:56I quit.
00:04:05We'll be back with Jack Carter right after this.
00:04:35tonight for the entire hour the legendary jack carter he has hosted calvacate of stars
00:04:43was a frequent guest on the ed sullivan show the joey bishop show he was on match game i don't
00:04:49know
00:04:49why they put that one on say hello to the great jack carter uh trusty sidekick adam igas go ahead
00:04:55mr carter we were speaking jack carter show for three years yeah why didn't they put that on
00:05:01before sid cesar yeah wait a minute you were the lead-in to sit it was called the saturday night
00:05:06review huh and i was so spectacular at my hour yeah and i had to come from chicago because the
00:05:12cable went the wrong way so i had to go to chicago i had to import all my stars so
00:05:18they thought i'd
00:05:19be trapped but the shaperie nightclub in chicago had like tony martin the ritz brothers the marx
00:05:26the ritz brothers i like them marx brothers the greatest i saw them at the follies in palm springs
00:05:31yeah you ever hear that place yeah no that's uh in palm springs they have a place in the follies
00:05:38and
00:05:38they have oh yeah but the old there's an old-time guy running at richard oh yeah uh rift uh
00:05:45rift
00:05:45rift markowitz yeah that no that folded no i i had uh we were speaking um i had the biggest
00:05:54names on my
00:05:55um for the jack carter show i was on dumont is that what the was that what the jack carter
00:06:00show was
00:06:03no saturday night live i created sat when they said nobody'd say home saturday yeah i said baloney
00:06:09the watch and i was a big hit yeah and that's when nbc bought me to put me on before
00:06:15so i see
00:06:16and then max lehman's his producer went crazy because my search was show is such a hit and he
00:06:22said no sketches no singing stars no opera and i i had that but that's what he had so he
00:06:29fought to
00:06:30get me off nbc so the show uh when you went to nbc the show of shows was already a
00:06:35hit i was already
00:06:36a hit yeah and so uh no it was uh yeah it was doing well but then my hour before
00:06:42it kind of took away
00:06:43from it so since he thought i just do jokes and vaudeville and uh and cockamamie you know but i
00:06:50but i put on good people i'd get opera people i'd get good sketch people i had original songwriters
00:06:57i was more productive and he got furious and went to nbc and screamed and yelled caesar no no max
00:07:04lehman oh i said he's a terrible man what about said season no should we remain friends till i buried
00:07:11him the other day i did the eulogy oh yeah he said died a terrible cripple he died he really
00:07:18did he
00:07:19he he was emaciated he he was this strong bull of a guy yeah power was such a powerhouse
00:07:26really just fell apart you know yeah now we were speaking moments before we went on the show about
00:07:31that you felt privileged to work with these titans of comedy yeah i was thinking the other day
00:07:38i remember sitting in vegas at the flamingo which was the hotel i worked a lot i headlined the
00:07:44flamingo i headlined every hotel there and i said gee headliner you gotta really draw people yeah i
00:07:51headlined the sands the sahara but my favorite was the flamingo i was known for the flamingo
00:07:56and one day jack benny and george burns come in to my room and benny just stood there went well
00:08:03you know you do more in 45 minutes than i've done in my entire career
00:08:11and we became but yeah when you say that sorry i'm talking about birds and i were really close
00:08:18george bryce was wonderful he's a wonderful man yeah wonderful wonderful get up in the morning
00:08:23road i forget my birds jokes now but when you say jack benny at the age now when a girl
00:08:29says no
00:08:29he says thank you at my yeah at my age uh sex is like having trying to shoot poor with
00:08:37a rope
00:08:42but just to be a kid yeah in my father's candy store radio listening to the jack benny show then
00:08:49no 20 years later i'm gonna be out with jack benny that's unbelievable and mary yeah yeah oh
00:08:55now jack benny but but when he said that that has truth to it though because it was did jack
00:09:00benny ever do stand-up sure he did he did stand up well so he did it at that pace
00:09:06when he came
00:09:07to see me in vegas with george he was a drag he played gracie and that was in that big
00:09:14that went
00:09:14to sahara yeah so george was george and jack came out on he loved to get dressed yeah in a
00:09:21dress
00:09:21yeah no he wasn't gay he was fey yeah now when i've seen you do stand-up which is only
00:09:28a few
00:09:29times one time i remember i saw you and it was more of a conversation so it was easy i
00:09:35won
00:09:35you started as a mimic and mimic impressions everybody did back then you did major bows you
00:09:41did other amateur hours major bows was a television show that was an amateur hour was the biggest it
00:09:47was the forerunner of later was arthur got free and then it was something else but the major bows
00:09:53then you went on tour and on my first tour was paul winchel the ventriloquist and sinatra
00:10:00frank was with the hoboken four wow but they picked them out they picked them out single
00:10:05and we got 40 bucks to tour yeah and work every major theater in america that's amazing yeah
00:10:12yeah but then i did only impressions i did carrie grant i did peter laurie yeah i did ones nobody
00:10:18did so i was yeah how'd carrie grant go i did bella legosi oh how'd that go uh bella legosi
00:10:25you come to my friend you're going to go to a grand place blah i'm going to go blah he
00:10:34had no
00:10:34languages blah he was blah when i saw you to stand up i loved and i actually had him on
00:10:41sketch on one of
00:10:42my shows boris karloff oh you do him too the sweetest man that ever lived thank you very much jack
00:10:49i'm so
00:10:50happy he had left you know sort of and we made him a uh uh a he had a kid
00:10:57and he was the babysitter
00:10:58yeah a little a good dad good writer that's a great idea don't worry i'll take care of the young
00:11:04star oh i'd feed him some three nine and soda he loved it was british british yeah he was british
00:11:13huh
00:11:14boris karloff yeah yeah yeah yeah i didn't realize it until i just heard your impression
00:11:19made a bit but he had a big lift boris yeah boris karloff when i saw you do stand-up
00:11:24you were like a
00:11:24like a power so you never stopped talking i was like driven and i remember you telling a story about
00:11:29sam sneed being the meanest man you ever met yeah you remember that no but it's not so true
00:11:38yeah he was a nasty man yeah i remember i was i was at pinehurst i did a show at
00:11:45the club oh
00:11:46pinehurst they just had the u.s open he was the pro yeah yeah and uh he charged people a
00:11:52hundred bucks
00:11:53just to walk around the course with him oh you know and uh and then he gave her a lesson
00:11:59he
00:11:59charged lessons were 250 and i went along i went just for laughs and the woman said well do i
00:12:05hold the
00:12:06club like the ls's you hit the goddamn ball lady hit the just hit the out of it hit the
00:12:13ball yeah
00:12:13well maybe if i said don't hit the damn ball let's move on
00:12:20now you had a question about uh uh about something the fryer's roast i was right yeah i mean i
00:12:27just saw
00:12:28that uh are you still in the fryer's club or were you ever were you a member of the fryer's
00:12:33club of
00:12:34course yeah so the fryer's in new york was big they hired me what were the big they had big
00:12:39dinners
00:12:40they still do apparently gigantic no they're no they're all gone now very recently but in those
00:12:46days we we uh we honored uh jack benny burns big ones big guys hope yeah big big you know
00:12:52who they
00:12:53just uh i was good at roasts do you know who they honored just recently not a big guy no
00:12:59in my
00:12:59estimation who but he might be your best friend so i don't want to say no i have no best
00:13:05friend
00:13:07freddie roman so freddie i like freddie's a huge guy but i i always thought of him as a sort
00:13:12of a
00:13:13second tier he is yeah he's uh he can be nasty too he can yeah would he be would you
00:13:18also classify
00:13:19a sort of a second tier yeah they were second or third even yeah there you go he joined bishop
00:13:24and
00:13:25norm crosby also fits in that he fits there too yeah they're all they're all opening acts i call them
00:13:31gotcha they opened four stars yeah and they never they never got bigger than that they never became
00:13:37headliners so they're not gonna they're not gonna uh they're not gonna their name on a marquee is not
00:13:43gonna mean much no drive people out it's called a drive-out theater put your name out people drive
00:13:51so get rid of a drive-in how about a drive-out they're doing a a roast for friday roman
00:13:56and what
00:13:56happens it was a couple months ago and shecky green was so upset by i don't know if you're familiar
00:14:01with the comedian gilbert gottfried was a little too dirty for shecky oh yeah shecky and shecky
00:14:11he's a sweetheart right he's the last of the greats you want to talk about first tier you want
00:14:18to talk about first tier shecky green i just got him to come to an affair in palm springs we
00:14:25honored uh
00:14:27somebody some gal some great gal and uh i said come on glory to haven and he sure no no
00:14:34no bigger
00:14:34than that bigger than that i uh deader than that yeah may have been rudely or something oh she was
00:14:40dead so uh but i got shecky to come out but he wouldn't get up he does he ever perform
00:14:46i saw him
00:14:46at uh nate now's and i said no he never no he did a two-nighter at the wiltshire theater
00:14:52once
00:14:53for two nights he did his whole act but he did he wasn't into it shecky has to be angry
00:14:59a lot of
00:15:00comedians deal in anger and if shecky's not angry at the bosses the hotel yeah he has no act well
00:15:07he
00:15:07was curious at gilbert gottfried for being too dirty he tore up his card and walked out threatened
00:15:12to kill gilbert what are your thoughts on do you think comics today are too too dirty a lot of
00:15:17them
00:15:17are dirty for no reason they're not funny either that's the problem as long as oh gilbert gottfried
00:15:22did the one who screamed with that funny voice yeah he's disgusting yeah he's a rebate they're
00:15:27resale yeah i don't blame shecky we get up and walked out right yeah gilbert's i know gilbert he's
00:15:33a bum i know he came to my uh palm springs affair yeah but he brought me grapefruits for his
00:15:42house
00:15:42he wouldn't get up he wouldn't do anything this is what he's he's not an ad-libber like i am
00:15:48who can
00:15:48just jump in and and create something you know because i had to this is what shecky told me he
00:15:55said that at one point he had some sort of mental illness and he had to get at these certain
00:16:00specific
00:16:01chairs and so he would travel all over europe finding these chairs and it took him six months
00:16:06and he had to lose all these bookings really shecky yeah that he had some uh yeah he had a
00:16:13couple of
00:16:13mental blockades yeah yeah yeah but he was a great guy and at his height it was just he and
00:16:18i we we we
00:16:20we owned las vegas yeah but i mean shecky was the king of the waitresses waiters the common people
00:16:27those days they loved him yeah because he was a fighter yeah hotel stakes supports the rat he did that
00:16:34and would you guys do uh like marathon shows real long shows oh yeah well you had to do an
00:16:41hour yeah
00:16:42today's comics can't do 12 minutes and they're over yeah they have a set they call it a set yeah
00:16:48they should be in a set we had to work yeah yeah well there were no all-around performers left
00:16:55anymore
00:16:56no there was sammy davis there was myself danny thomas was the youngest guy i could think of would be
00:17:02steve lawrence danny well steve could do anything yeah steve is a funny funny bone yeah funny man funny
00:17:08man yeah but it wasn't even when when he was alive and they worked team yeah steve i'd walk in
00:17:15here
00:17:15i'm doing a half hour your best jokes yeah yeah yeah a lot of a lot of singers jack jones
00:17:23is a great
00:17:23comic i did not know that beautiful he's got the best voice in the business yeah and i walk in
00:17:28one
00:17:28night he's doing my act yeah yeah i was a jack and jumped hearing me sing did you ever uh
00:17:35perform
00:17:35it over to zeroes on sunset back in i did zeroes once oh that was i did a guest night
00:17:41there scared
00:17:42to death i must have been 12 years old or something yard of zeroes my god with yeah mickey
00:17:48the booker was a terrible man the owner of the oh mickey cohen yeah well i heard mickey mickey cohen
00:17:54i
00:17:54believe i don't think so no i forget the name of the guy but but i did a one nighter
00:18:00there and i
00:18:00was a hit i remember being a hit i was so thrilled to get off and say wow i scored
00:18:06i mean i did impressions
00:18:07then i i did i did impressions but not for the impression i used it as a sort of to
00:18:16lead to something
00:18:16else if i knew peter laurie i'd go into horror routines movie routines right yeah so everything
00:18:23everything all the talents he used were in the service of comedy absolutely one one thing led to
00:18:29another yeah i i was a good uh good comedic planner because you had to do an all around and
00:18:34you had to
00:18:34do an hour in the club you know yeah and for a tough audience i'm not talking about people that
00:18:41come to
00:18:41a theater that's a pushover a theater stealing the money when you're in a club with a guy with a
00:18:48girl
00:18:48trying to make out and a rich couple and a guy with some people from japan you gotta be ready
00:18:54you gotta
00:18:56have an act well you know a young guy now that wants to be a jack benny's old old joke
00:19:01was if you
00:19:02come out on stage with a red nose you better have an act to follow it
00:19:08when you were young because the comedian now he's young there's sort of a it's all built for him you
00:19:14know there's a hundred comedy clubs and stuff like that so you're young what is there well you went
00:19:20to you first of all how does it occur to you i i don't know i uh do you come
00:19:27from a show business
00:19:28family no not at all candy store father plane civilians i went to dramatic school i got a scholarship
00:19:35there but did you go were you in the service huh were you in the service yeah okay so that's
00:19:41the
00:19:41first thing you did i assume no before that i was working i was doing some shows oh yeah i
00:19:47was doing
00:19:48some shows at uh at age uh 17 or 18 i was already so what i'm trying to say is
00:19:54because nowadays if you
00:19:55told your parents i want to be a comedian that's almost like a career that's uh the same as being
00:20:01a
00:20:02lawyer you know what i mean but then it couldn't have been different ways the the great the great
00:20:09comedians all came from different venues different fields yeah kind of feel your way and find build an
00:20:16act you know so when you were so were you were you were you want to get into comedy or
00:20:21were you i want
00:20:22to get into show business show business show business yeah that's why i did acting i did plays drama
00:20:28uh i got an academy uh a royal academy in new york i got a scholarship and i worked with
00:20:35jeff chandler
00:20:36angela lansbury they were all with me wow and james uh the director james brooks and we all did acting
00:20:46and then i went to a stock company out in long island with christopher morley the writer oh the
00:20:52who had just gotten an academy award for kate kitty foil and ginger rogers i think i got the right
00:20:58guy british portly yes christopher in fact he did a play the play about the guy in a wheelchair
00:21:06the old man that giant play and i was in that play bro what was that place dude is it
00:21:12the man who
00:21:13came to dinner i think so yeah the man who came to dinner yeah absolutely christopher we have a smart
00:21:18guy on the side though i was so thrilled that was my first big job though yeah to work with
00:21:25his company
00:21:26well he's got to be it must have been um um intimidating uh no he's a lovely man he was
00:21:34not intimidated he's not an intimidated guy are you and then i got it you're a tough guy i got
00:21:39a uh
00:21:40you ever box huh huh you ever do any boxing boxing yeah no only packages boxes i did shipping a
00:21:48lot
00:21:48of shipping banking about you ever been in a fight yeah i don't know you seem like a tough guy
00:21:53to me
00:21:53i don't know why a fight you scared to death really the gloves alone would drive me out really
00:22:00where did you get where'd you come up with that hey you look like you seem like a tough guy
00:22:04hey tough
00:22:05guy yeah yeah only on stage it got you in a lot of trouble though yeah yeah a few times
00:22:10that you
00:22:11mean you go to the wrong i approached the table once and a guy put a knife through my hand
00:22:15what in
00:22:15god's name yeah he says don't mention my wife's hat anymore was that a vagus i've been kidding
00:22:25no it was a gangster i didn't know that marty hogan yeah and that woman came in with a hat
00:22:30yeah there was a natural it looked like salami with a thing and i i did lines about a flying
00:22:35saucer and and land screams and she sat down i got closer to the table and i leaned over just
00:22:43to
00:22:43say i'm sorry i've been banged i got stabbed he says don't mention my wife's hat again okay
00:22:51yeah that point remember the guy's name too marty hogan marty hogan he was there yeah he was a
00:22:57comment he had a radio show gangster a gangster with his own radio show he was a hood and he
00:23:04had
00:23:04a talk show yeah and then a funny switch and a wife with a funny hat yeah with that crazy
00:23:12big salami
00:23:13hat we'll be back in a moment with more from the great jack i'm not coming back
00:23:25we're back my god we're back with norm the mcdonald's you were just telling the story of the
00:23:31scottish jew yes is that you remember that play listen that got me a hell of a lot of uh
00:23:40trouble
00:23:40yeah i didn't like that when i was a kid i grew up with that you don't remember it i
00:23:45remember doing
00:23:45it you don't know who know what norman was no he's a gay kid oh my god yeah they made
00:23:51a movie
00:23:51oh no they made a movie about it with uh red fox really did you ever work with red fox
00:23:57remember yeah
00:23:58yeah i loved him yeah i loved him aside from the filth he was a funny man yeah red fox
00:24:04was a funny man
00:24:05yeah yeah did he uh we're out one day in atlantic city and we're leaving the fight we watched one
00:24:11of the great black fighters then who is it lewis no me man manx makes uh space spinks and we're
00:24:21leaving and then suddenly red's got a guy's hand in his pocket you know the guy's playing the crowd
00:24:27so red because it's god damn man what you pick on me for picking on no way oh he's a
00:24:34white person
00:24:35yeah yeah you moron you pick on an oofy which would have been you
00:24:41now you were telling us earlier that you just learned how old are you sir uh do we have to
00:24:49do
00:24:49that no i am i i am so old i'm fast age we had a guy last week that was
00:24:56older than you into my who
00:24:57who could that be godie methuselah chuck reiner chuck reiner what the hell is a chuck reiner no not
00:25:03chuck carl reiner oh carl carl's a lovely man yeah carl's a little older yeah carl's about 93. yeah
00:25:09yeah and i'm i'm gonna be 90. and so you and this uh some people say advanced age took up
00:25:18sculpting out
00:25:18of nowhere well i was always an artist yeah i always sketch and i'll uh i'll you're saying sculpting is
00:25:26easy i would sketch uh tablecloths and people have to buy the tablecloth like i'm sitting opposite
00:25:33danny thomas yeah and i get the pencil and and once i was sitting with a famous artist
00:25:39and he was furious that i knocked him off on a plate uh the great israeli artist what the hell
00:25:45was his name
00:25:46oh my god i'll forget that word sardines in new york red skeleton no no it is really a giant
00:25:54of an
00:25:54artist uh anyway i sketched him in a plate with him and i held it up and he got so
00:26:02mad chagall mark
00:26:04chagall no no no no sure that's before any of our time i i don't remember yeah but anyways you
00:26:12took up
00:26:14sculpting sculpting lately yeah sculpting was last year i did i did a sit down statue i did this guy
00:26:21with his hands up beautiful i've never done uh sculpting you know i've done just drawing and
00:26:26sketching yeah so it was exciting i went to this class yeah give me the clay give me the module
00:26:32and
00:26:33and you had to go yeah then i did a woman sitting down and then i did an athlete like
00:26:39running
00:26:40and they're beautiful i got them they were nudes i yeah nudes yeah now is it are you able to
00:26:46no i was
00:26:46nude not the monster oh just you it was more fun that way it was breezy but that's pretty cool
00:26:54the girl
00:26:54was nude yeah beautiful breasts yeah yeah and uh the woman that took me to all these it was a
00:27:01lovely old
00:27:01woman name and uh i wonder if she's still alive she was 85 then but she could sculpt the crap
00:27:08out of
00:27:08anything yeah sculpted she did that rough sculpture you know where this oh yeah clay is not smooth it's
00:27:15on purpose dimpled like one purpose beautiful model model model yes model me model me yes
00:27:22like god am i opening my eye i was a little you think i got a terrible habit of closing
00:27:29this eye oh
00:27:29really no yeah and women think i'm winking at them oh no no today a woman would find a restaurant
00:27:34give me that i said no it's yeah yeah yeah it's what i don't know she's oh i thought you
00:27:39were winking
00:27:40it yeah he does that as one of his hands grabs girls asses i can't yeah yeah it's a it's
00:27:47a medical
00:27:48condition what is it called his hand grabs a girl's ass oh oh it's called as grabbia yeah
00:27:56you're familiar with the affliction yeah that's like a a cheap guy they say oh he's got an
00:28:02impediment in his reach my dad said uh be careful you're i don't know if you've ever heard this
00:28:09expression be careful with that boarding house reach the boarding house reach you ever heard that
00:28:13expression sure yeah well this is a question sir from the twitter verse you know perverts no
00:28:20the twitter verse from the from the computer oh twitter i don't twit i don't twit i don't worry
00:28:28if i don't know i understand nothing of that well they send my kid has got everything known to man
00:28:34yeah twitter's boards lapels yeah yeah yeah he can talk to you with a phone right he's in europe now
00:28:40and my wife talks to him like he was there yeah he's in he's in bulgaria wow this is not
00:28:45the son
00:28:46that i met no no that that was michael the older where's michael michael is here michael's in real
00:28:52estate yeah oh he's in real estate no he's uh 45 now no no but i'm my son and your
00:28:59son played
00:28:59basketball together yeah that was michael well he's not he wouldn't have been 45. my son's only 21.
00:29:06oh then it was chase that was chase that was his name is chase the one that's in bulgaria
00:29:12chase is in europe yeah what's he doing uh he went to tufts oh and tufts gave him a scholarship
00:29:19to go to copenhagen he went to the university of copenhagen wow and when he finished there
00:29:23he decided to travel and he went to uh uh spain and italy and rome he's a real cultured kid
00:29:32and he
00:29:32played basketball against my kid and he has a girlfriend that's a genius she's a four-star
00:29:37student she's in cambridge so he's with him in cambridge you know where i met this guy i mean
00:29:43i don't mean to be uh i don't mean to be blue or anything like that but but when i
00:29:48first met him
00:29:49yeah he was in new york under the queensborough bridge jerking off punks for 15 a man oh my god
00:29:57that's not bad steady work anyway but you picked a bad bridge you queensborough would have been
00:30:04better well it was queen it was queensborough oh i thought williamsburg yeah i mean times have
00:30:10changed yeah williamsburg yeah it's been gentrified and everything yeah about the brooklyn bridge
00:30:15yeah i bought it once everybody bought the book yeah what is your thoughts i remember when you went
00:30:22across the bridge to manhattan there was always a sign on the roof and it said jesus saves and
00:30:28somebody scribbled underneath moses invests that was a big big new york i remember a guy jumped off the
00:30:38queensborough bridge to his death and when i was in new york and somebody said no no you jump off
00:30:43the
00:30:43brooklyn bridge yeah that was his comment that's the one that the guys will suffice no no the brooklyn
00:30:51bridge is iconic with jumping off of it yeah so anyways there's these questions from the computer
00:30:56it's a person on the computer ice queen 134 she calls herself she says and i don't didn't know this
00:31:03not many people know you can also sing what is your favorite song to sing uh man and la mancha
00:31:10really
00:31:11you can sing that my wife hates it wow i have a big singing voice roxanne your wife whenever i
00:31:17sing
00:31:17people's i really had a great singing voice it's big it's kind of gone now it's gone lower but i
00:31:24had
00:31:24a big scene i did seven broadway shows musicals i did guys and dolls i did call me mister when
00:31:31i got
00:31:32out of the army score by harold rome i did uh oh my god i can't remember i did top
00:31:39banana i stepped in
00:31:41for phil silvers that was phil silvers i replaced phil after one week phil's voice went all right
00:31:46and i replaced sid caesar in a show sid couldn't project over the footlights he's a tv performer
00:31:52i took over maybe take my manhattan and i had to sing all the songs but i got a big
00:31:57singing voice
00:31:58the animal march is a tough song i got a big operatic voice like i could do opera you got
00:32:03right here you
00:32:04can hear the you don't have a a thin voice like no other people get rich it's all meant for
00:32:12the
00:32:12president of the video give fight show carry call and when you care to go you care to go
00:32:20or your future won't work anymore more he has to that more is to pick the operas apart
00:32:27he was great huh yeah remember he was my mentor didn't he have a thing like he'd do a joke
00:32:32on
00:32:33any subject he'd do a joke anything at all yeah any joke yeah not funny but always yeah yeah yeah
00:32:39but fast was really yeah if you can't be funny be fast yeah well more he was a bit of
00:32:46what do you
00:32:46mean he was he was really a musician more he was a cellist well i remember on the uh on
00:32:52the
00:32:52and the company right yeah yeah and we were well i was just i was just a man uh one
00:32:59of his uh closest
00:33:00friends well this guy here says what could you use to get away with on tv that you cannot anymore
00:33:09oh i don't know we were it was cleaner back then it was cleaner yeah probably ethnic stuff when i
00:33:17did my
00:33:17nbc show the yeah yeah practices and uh yeah standards oh yeah they came right in they were on
00:33:24the top of every joke yeah i had a big fight over using belly button no belly button no on
00:33:30an ed
00:33:30sullivan show can't even say that word jackie can't say belly button it's an aperture in the human body
00:33:37i said so is an but i'm not saying it
00:33:41what did people think of ed sullivan like you guys most people hated him yeah and he'd stand
00:33:47on stage with you so much power when you did your act you stood right there yeah so the audience
00:33:52would
00:33:52go is that living yeah he would stand on stage right there yeah right in the corner yeah he wouldn't
00:33:59walk the hell off and leave you alone yeah yeah and he was like a newspaper man or something he
00:34:04was
00:34:04yeah yeah he was not he he worked for he wrote for what made him an expert what made him
00:34:09an expert
00:34:10on comedy yeah he wasn't it wasn't he wasn't a bad guy though a lot of people misunderstood him i
00:34:15how did he say i was his favorite i did 65 in the 65 65 65 it's like wayne and
00:34:21schuster
00:34:23no the uh the other uh big uh alan king said he did more but he didn't yeah wayne and
00:34:29schuster right
00:34:30the couple from canada yeah they were all over the place alan king what do you think of that
00:34:34character uh um personally i didn't like him i don't like him he was a nasty man i think he
00:34:41thinks
00:34:41he's a little better than he is oh my god yeah i gotta get the ego mania of the world
00:34:46yeah he takes
00:34:48who he is yeah one of those you know what else he's one of those experts on comedy like he'll
00:34:52talk about
00:34:53comedy and yeah why something's fun like he'll break it down for you yeah like you can't figure it out
00:34:59yourself no and and he was he was what we call a set comic certain guys would come out and
00:35:05do the
00:35:05same act every time and he was one a b c danny thomas did that i could never do that
00:35:12i always come out
00:35:13and made a tough game tougher yeah cigars what's it well don't you have an act i said yeah it
00:35:18happens
00:35:19when i get out there what i just say oh boy i can't wait to hear what i'm gonna say
00:35:24yeah and then i go
00:35:25yeah more fun that way more fun that way sure and then i'll pick on a table or something or
00:35:32some incident that happened that'll leave me in the four or five gags yeah i never know yeah but you
00:35:38had you had some stuff you knew you could go to but you're not really really so just you're just
00:35:43not
00:35:43a tight one the other day but the other day it did save me though i was at a luncheon
00:35:48and i wasn't
00:35:48doing too well yeah they hired me flew me all the way to florida a lot of money and do
00:35:53this luncheon and a
00:35:54roast of a guy and the roast wasn't working out the guy the guy thought he was funnier than me
00:35:59i said stanley you're an idiot no you're an idiot you don't give him stanley you should be the money
00:36:06yeah no you should be my victim was fighting back so i went right to i went right into a
00:36:14spanish
00:36:14spanish routine yeah spanish uh yeah the help out in california you know yeah this is just to shout
00:36:22it out funny yeah he said the joke was uh one one joke was uh uh uh tells his maid
00:36:29to go back and uh
00:36:31and paint the porch white got a porch in the back painted white come back says you did it i
00:36:38didn't see
00:36:38your hair clean the brushes and everything but i gotta tell you you make a big mistake it's not a
00:36:44porch he's a mercedes so that was one yeah yeah so you couldn't yell back at him yeah what is
00:36:53now young
00:36:53comics do you know who they are no no well i know the names i see that around but any
00:37:00of that you just
00:37:01just go no nothing don't like that guy oh i know i'm saying are there any is there any particular
00:37:07one
00:37:07you go i just don't like that guy no i'm trying to really think of one that i like i
00:37:13think there's
00:37:13one you're trying to think of when you like one one i like has some potential yeah i was asking
00:37:19he's
00:37:19got some guts i was yeah i can't think is there right but is there anyone you particularly dislike
00:37:27everybody everybody i hate no one else who uh when you were in your prime who do you think oh
00:37:34i was
00:37:34gonna ask you a question because there's a new roast master now speaking of roasts used to be
00:37:39georgie jessel and now it's this young kid jeff russ do you know him very lightweight lightweight he's
00:37:46a very sweet kid yeah nice guy yeah he's a nice kid yeah he's around he's here there yeah but
00:37:51he's a
00:37:52lot real light light lightweight yeah not georgie jessel no no not after jessel well i did the roasts i
00:38:04everybody everybody you must do an impression of georgie jessel i did yeah i did i did the ultimate
00:38:09one of georgie jessler and i was walking down the street and uh a good jessel was uh a good
00:38:18jessel is
00:38:19uh he lives in florida now yeah good comic um uh what's his name and does georgie jessel does a
00:38:26great
00:38:26jessel yeah yeah he's a mimic too and the elves of time and you can see the world french ravelina
00:38:35georgian french ravelina no no no will jordan no no no rich little my friend hate will jordan
00:38:41you hate will jordan will hated me hated everybody oh he did really well anybody who did ed sullivan
00:38:47the minute you did this will hated you well it seems like everyone could do ed sullivan oh everybody
00:38:52did right so he hated anybody no what's his name bobby prior or something he's in florida now but he
00:38:59does a great jessel what's his name he's married to a little blonde uh there's an impressionist how
00:39:06old is he huh how old is he what do you think i don't know he's in the 70s or
00:39:1180s yeah huh
00:39:13a little quirky little guy yeah good comic yeah and good improv does a great jessel yeah i can't think
00:39:21of my jessel jokes though i've done them for years do you do you think there was any one particular
00:39:26comic that really set the bar that everyone looked up to among your peers when you were you know right
00:39:31in the height of your career other than yourself no i i i don't know well well everyone talked about
00:39:39was another another type world that was tv i can't even think it was around everyone talked about
00:39:45sheki huh everyone talked about sheki he was a king of nightclubs yeah he had a hotel he hated or
00:39:54people he was the king of waitresses loved him waitresses waiters and the help right loved him not
00:40:00the bosses yeah but they booked him because he was funny yeah and he packed the rooms in vegas now
00:40:07when
00:40:07you go to vegas did you ever start do you start in a lounge do you ever do a lounge
00:40:11before you do the big
00:40:12room oh only one lounge only did one yeah the riviera hotel had a big lounge and we were a
00:40:18foursome it was
00:40:20me tony fields jan murray and uh i can't remember the fourth person is that funny jan murray was sort
00:40:29of
00:40:30uh considered great a monster comedian yeah yeah yeah uh because i didn't know him didn't i name the
00:40:35four you didn't name the fourth no because we were we were four we each worked
00:40:40a few weeks and we went on opposite the big shows yeah we went on 10 o'clock so you
00:40:46could
00:40:46between shows people would come yeah and one yeah and how is it we're gonna land me tony field it
00:40:53was
00:40:53more of a theater lounge tough it was tough it's tougher than a regular theater a regular theater is
00:40:59a pushover yeah i mean they're sitting there they're ready you walk out you get the mic
00:41:03and in the lounges i'll have a drink of you who the hell is that sit down jolly come in
00:41:10yeah you
00:41:10know there was all kind of trouble was toady fields the first uh woman stand-up comedian yeah
00:41:17i think so yeah yeah well no there was there was a dirty lady before named ruth ruth uh sophie
00:41:24tucker
00:41:24who was war no sophie tucker was a another world she was a dirty old man as well
00:41:32no i can't remember the name there were two bell boss was the queen of filth she was filthy
00:41:38the filthiest woman lawanda page was pretty big oh you know lawanda page she played aunt esther on uh
00:41:47she was black not wanda sykes no she was uh she played uh aunt esther on uh on uh red
00:41:55foxes oh yeah
00:41:57yeah yeah yeah because you know he got all his his he he cast that show kind of from the
00:42:02chipmunk circuit
00:42:03yeah yeah uh red fox yeah sanford yeah he uh he gave all his friends shots yeah but they're all
00:42:10great
00:42:10because they've been a cute man yeah yeah i i did the show so you did actual i actually i
00:42:16love
00:42:17getting my i get residuals from the red fox show wow i played an insurance salesman yeah and then i
00:42:22played an
00:42:30agent i read your wikipedia and it's so so short i can't believe it why is it so short i
00:42:40got no wiko
00:42:41my pedia fell off what the hell is a wikipedia is on the computer what uh what your your career
00:42:49and some
00:42:49people like jeff ross's is uh two pages long and yet yours is a paragraph you know why he's a
00:42:56nice
00:42:56kid he's nothing no but why is it he's got the only thing around today they use them on roasts
00:43:02and
00:43:02everything those roasts are awful horrible they're not like fallen now is running roasts good lord
00:43:08yeah it's like now the roast comics are awful yeah one guy was great i enjoyed him then he died
00:43:15yeah oh yeah yeah you're talking about uh greg uh something like that greg heraldo yeah i like
00:43:21this stuff it was very very nice yeah yeah i'm rid of dying but that's ridiculous i'm ready to die
00:43:29but why why was it worse because back then i mean we all i know is the dean martin rose
00:43:34but i like that
00:43:35it was the material was all geared towards the present i always wrote my own no i wrote my own
00:43:42yeah i did a million dean martin rose a lot of them we did in vegas at the mgm yeah
00:43:47and you'd fly
00:43:48there and go there and they'd tell you who they're roasting and i didn't want any part of the writers
00:43:53because i knew the writers and they stunk they always do there was only one good writer that was
00:43:58milt rosen and milt was on the show he'd help me you know put the feud yeah but i always
00:44:03worked my
00:44:04own stuff the minute i heard who were roasting my mind snapped and i knew i knew exactly what to
00:44:10go for
00:44:10yeah yeah yeah that's why i was better than anybody at those because i was powerhouse you know i remember
00:44:16once you had turned around and you hit that big thing it was like an arthur j rank thing yeah
00:44:21it was
00:44:21jack many yeah the big bug oh yeah they keep me playing that all the time yeah yeah yeah yeah
00:44:28they don't show me on enough of those though only that one yeah what is that do you feel like
00:44:32you
00:44:32do you feel that you haven't gotten the respect you've deserved no no not at all i don't think you
00:44:38have
00:44:38either the most forgotten performer that ever lived how is that just just no idea i never had a press
00:44:43agent when i had a press agent they were bad i'm my own worst press agent yeah i never pushed
00:44:51myself
00:44:51right i was never sure businessy you know no not the business i was always kind of i did it
00:44:56as a business
00:44:57you figured if you were funny enough they you'd get everything i was funny i just
00:45:03i never went for broke i never went for it yeah yeah a lot of people say what happened what
00:45:08happened
00:45:08to your career or it was supposed supposed to happen you know i wasn't i wouldn't do thrilled with it
00:45:13yeah yeah yeah i wouldn't do thrilled with being a comedian i did it as a means to an end
00:45:18because i had
00:45:19to what was the end what was the end was the end money no no the end yeah no no
00:45:30just fame fame yeah
00:45:31fame knowledge but if you could have done it without i've never had knowledge and acceptance
00:45:37i know i never broached that into the a job i should have always been in the a group i
00:45:43always got
00:45:44a b or c or waiting to go waiting to get in well i think you're uh certainly waiting for
00:45:50godot you're
00:45:51certainly considered an a in uh comedians a a a a you know that though don't you hey b do
00:46:01you know
00:46:01that comedians consider you an a comedy yeah i know that yeah is that enough i'm considered a wit
00:46:07the wits is sarcastic wit but that's not enough that just no not enough you you want the whole
00:46:13world and if it wasn't copy i i i missed the boat my fault mostly yeah i wasn't a very
00:46:20good politician
00:46:21yeah i wasn't a good spokesman for myself yes i never pushed like a danny thomas but don't you think
00:46:28that goes with the artistic temperament i think so yeah i wasn't that thrilled with being a comedian
00:46:35so i did it as a means to an end and i did it good what would you have rather
00:46:39been a singer uh no
00:46:41probably a dress salesman yeah maybe some of a size c c to b 45 yeah you know what you
00:46:48might end up
00:46:49being a great sculptor well uh no i uh uh uh uh said no that's that's come on model i
00:47:00got some good
00:47:01sculpting no what about that guy that you were talking i would like to have sung more and done
00:47:07more musicals that's right i did seven of them yeah a couple i i did guys and dolls in jersey
00:47:13we got
00:47:14rave reviews in new york people came out to see it i had a great cast uh i replaced phil
00:47:22silvers and
00:47:22guys and guys and dolls yeah what did you just knock on the table for oh i oh i didn't
00:47:28know i put
00:47:28the mug down and uh do you have a question yeah i had i actually had a question i had
00:47:34a question from
00:47:34earlier okay uh i was wondering about uh i'm from l.a my family's from the east coast you've been
00:47:43in l.a a
00:47:43while yeah what are your thoughts on l.a deli food versus new york deli food no comparison new york's
00:47:51better way way better yeah new york is that the most retarded question you've ever heard yeah i think
00:47:56so of course well when you get some pastrami let me know will you we've had to take a break
00:48:01for like
00:48:0220 deli food yeah of course new york do you like uh carnegie deli no i never went into a
00:48:08stage deli i
00:48:09hate i like the stage yeah i love the great character what the owner what's his name the
00:48:17carnegie was a freeload place yeah yeah i hated it because henny youngman used to go there and he
00:48:22was comped henny and jackie mason two cheapo creeps of the business are we are we being recorded yeah
00:48:31they're the cheapo creeps easily yeah henny youngman was the cheapest man
00:48:38i'll never forget he called me one day hello jack oh oh my wife died can you do a club
00:48:47date for me
00:48:48that was it my wife died can you do this club date for me young man i'll never forget that
00:48:57my wife died in the same breath can you do a club date yeah just a few jackie mason was
00:49:03the lowest of the
00:49:04low though yeah he was a scumbag yeah uh a lot of the others i liked though a lot of
00:49:11them yeah every
00:49:12every place jackie mason goes i see he has an attorney with him i don't know why but i've noticed
00:49:18that
00:49:18yeah well my wife handled him for a while it was awful that thing where the bullet being shot in
00:49:25his
00:49:25window he went out and shot the bullet in there wait i don't know that story there was a whole
00:49:29story
00:49:29about somebody firing a gun at him yeah in his hotel room yeah and he did it himself to just
00:49:36to
00:49:36get prep to get press and stuff yeah wow too bad he missed yeah
00:49:45sometimes you see him in new york and he has a yeah well whatever we have to pay the bills
00:49:50i don't know
00:49:51what he's doing uh he's still alive yeah he's alive a friend of mine that reminds me of the joke
00:49:58the old guy called zucker the great producer of paramount yeah zucker he walks up in hillcrest
00:50:04country club to the round table while the biggies sat yeah he saw jack benny said you're still alive
00:50:10i thought we're both dead the famous famous line that's a great one i'm gonna use the president
00:50:17created paramount pictures daryl zanuck no no no no older than that older than that yeah zucker oh
00:50:24zucker you're talking about i'm sorry that's a great joke though yeah he must have been a funny guy
00:50:31for i was thrilled to sit at the round table when i came so what who was in the round
00:50:36table jack benny
00:50:38milton burrell yeah a couple of writers uh sometimes uh harper would sit there always
00:50:46never forget a guy came up to me congratulated me outside hillcrest i love you you're wonderful i
00:50:52watch you every week and he walked away i said who was that the guy says it was harper mark
00:50:57oh my god
00:50:58you know he had a raincoat regular hair yeah yeah yeah of course he was recognizing wow that he knew
00:51:04i
00:51:04existed that's amazing well a couple of times that happened to me i was shocked that they had
00:51:10watched someone someone like gory vidal once gave me a rave jack yeah yeah well i loved you on that
00:51:19sullivan's show you did a thing yeah well gory vidal watching yeah that was such a kid that's amazing
00:51:25that's great oh my god yeah gory vidal just watching tv but when you but a lot of people
00:51:29watch that sullivan sunday night sure half the country and i was i was a favorite yeah whenever
00:51:35it was stuck he'd call me i'd run in and do 12 minutes yeah that's right which you cut to
00:51:40six and
00:51:41then cut to four how would you cut it you do a dress rehearsal you do 12 minutes oh it's
00:51:47beautifully
00:51:48laid out yeah you worked so hard to opening your middle goal here it's all sculpted and then by the
00:51:54time
00:51:54you got to the dress you have six minutes god damn i had a reese read that ain't easy now
00:52:01you're
00:52:01waiting to go on you're in the called the death spot they had the waiting rooms yeah and you're in
00:52:08view of the audience it was terrible no yeah the in their bar the batter's box you know they can
00:52:13see
00:52:14and they give you this you got two minutes from 12 you're down to two oh my god yeah you
00:52:20got an
00:52:21opening joke and a closing joke so that's why you remember you're opening you gotta be ready yeah
00:52:24you gotta be ready good evening and good night we're gonna be back in a moment hello and goodbye
00:52:31with our last segment with the great jack carter this is fun
00:52:41we're back with uh with uh last lost or left out that's what jack carter just told me last last
00:52:47lost or left out so if you're if there's a if there's a article on comedy uh and men of
00:52:54a certain
00:52:54age your name is not in there no they'll mention everyone but me everybody but you yeah right in my
00:53:00that my group my category i should be next and i read me nope again now well you know what
00:53:06you got
00:53:06to do write a book yeah you got to write a book i wrote a book it's let's say it's
00:53:11at home
00:53:12it's at home i haven't published it no i know i wrote it i wrote it i worked with a
00:53:17good guy yeah
00:53:18well you got to publish it i just wrote the opening chapter myself yeah about going on facing an audience
00:53:24yeah because i'll never forget i'm at the uh hilton in vegas with steven edie yeah and i'm opening
00:53:30and i'm backstage pacing pacing and this steve is going look at this crazy machine look at his nut
00:53:36he's a basket case but he'll go out there he'll kill him and i'm looking out the curtain look at
00:53:41that table look at that oh my god look at those four murderers up front oh they got kids i
00:53:45hate kids
00:53:46and then and then i went out and bang it exploded and he said see i told you man was
00:53:53back here
00:53:53complaining were you always like that and steve like my opening song yeah i love life life likes me
00:54:01life and i fully always agree i was friendly with newley newley and brickers and they wrote that for me
00:54:10oh they did yeah anthony newley and who's that one and uh leslie brickers leslie brickers
00:54:15brickers is still alive but what about a song called last left and what last left and lost that's
00:54:24a good one that's a good 65 times on ed so you don't you don't have a star on the
00:54:29walk of fame
00:54:30no that is a crime no never no no crosby's got one he does people with press agents yeah yeah
00:54:37that's
00:54:37right now they're putting producers on there no yeah i never i never followed up on it they're
00:54:42meaningless yeah well you had to be you gotta pay you gotta pay pay for it yeah so i never
00:54:47had a
00:54:48company or that i was with that would would have bought it you know you don't like a network that
00:54:53i was with long enough to say we will buy you the stars you don't need it used to be
00:54:572000 then it went
00:54:58to 11 35 now yeah 35 000 000 to put a star down to have a homeless guy urinate on
00:55:07your name
00:55:09you don't need that sir homeless guy urinating no yeah not too many of those no i'm saying you don't
00:55:17need a star or anything like that you've got the uh the but it does piss me off that i'm
00:55:22not there i got
00:55:23you and norm crosby is i understand that he's supposedly a friend of mine but not really
00:55:28uh not really he's a joke thief oh yeah yeah tell me about theft they completely live off your jokes
00:55:35yes the worst is when they when they do them in front of you that's the worst yeah yeah i
00:55:41had to stop
00:55:42one the other day at an affair he got up on stage start to say oh there's this i said
00:55:47no no don't do
00:55:48that no that's my big story yeah yeah don't do that yeah it must be especially about a guy who
00:55:55was
00:55:55who uh uh because it was such a good story as a guy who had uh uh who had uh
00:56:08a guy who had surgery and uh oh i can't remember the joke
00:56:14i can't either i can't either and i did it last night i remember the punchline yeah more funny
00:56:19what was the punchline maybe we could reverse engineer this and monday morning that man walked
00:56:24out of the hospital and thursday he reached the parking lot so i can't remember back up yeah
00:56:32it's a whole punchline regardless yeah it almost works by itself we got jokes written on cards do you
00:56:38want to read them how's your reading i read well you read well we'll read this why have you got
00:56:43that
00:56:43uh-huh just a reality just to fill in whenever we have to go whenever we have great comedians
00:56:48what the hell is that joke now i can't remember that say the punchline again on thursday he reached
00:56:55the park but monday he left the the monday morning he left the building he was monday morning he was
00:57:04he was allowed out of the hospital he walked out of the yeah no what the hell is that funny
00:57:11not to
00:57:12remember the joke yeah thank god that guy that stole it from you remembers it she would be lost to
00:57:20history remember the setup it's funny when the you know the punch and you forget the setup yeah that's
00:57:26that happens a lot now that's wrong yeah i gotta ask roxanne my wife remembers everything
00:57:31she got a good memory right now if i called and i should come up with it yeah i thought
00:57:35she'd be
00:57:36monday morning
00:57:45i thought you had a stroke for a second he was in the hospital yeah yeah
00:57:50all right well are you going to read one of these jokes yeah why not
00:57:55why did they give you those no no these are just whenever we have a great comedian on oh we
00:58:02we we
00:58:03not yet oh of course one of the greatest that ever walked the planet is sitting right to my immediate
00:58:09right the planet let me see here what about i don't know oh well here's a joke about an old
00:58:17guy this is
00:58:18actually the the premise of this is true the world's oldest man died yesterday yeah so what do you
00:58:24think of this joke man died cause of death everybody yelled surprise oh you don't read it to yourself
00:58:41that's also got a japanese ending where they yelled supplies what does he do in the army supplies
00:58:51he do supplies
00:58:55hey how about this this is a joke but you gotta read it out loud
00:59:00without reading ahead i spent the last two weeks at disneyland it was so much fun
00:59:06the next time i'm taking my wife and kids
00:59:11worst thing i've ever read
00:59:14the next time i'll take my wife and kids
00:59:19that's a rhythm joke that's a young man yeah i had such a good time i got up this morning
00:59:25at the
00:59:25crack of my back stopped up the crack went back to bed take my wife please that sounds like any
00:59:33young but you didn't like him nobody liked him but you can do an impression he hated me too he
00:59:38had
00:59:39everybody yeah i remember sitting at the friars once i'm with him and uh and uh a lovely table of
00:59:46people and he says he's give up your goddamn jokes go back to your impressions do your impressions don't
00:59:53do any jokes leave them for the pros whoa god she was so mad that i was leaving mimicry and
00:59:59doing
00:59:59that's ridiculous becoming a great comedian not here man here where we want you to do the jokes
01:00:05hey world cup you watch the world cup oh i'm wearing one
01:00:11i'm king here in world cup soccer mexico defeated caveroon one to nothing or as it's known in soccer a
01:00:21blowout
01:00:22yeah right yeah very low scoring games yeah who wrote these you can't find a joke we like
01:00:33do you know jonah hill is huh do you know who jonah hill yeah the actor yeah yeah yeah how
01:00:40about this
01:00:41for a joke he's a friend of uh tatum o'neill good god you're now channel channel says his heart
01:00:47is
01:00:47broken over the fact he was caught on camera calling a photographer a gay slur and speaking
01:00:54of things that are broken jonah hill's chair a nice statement yeah it's more of a comment yeah
01:01:05a gay slur yeah how do you how do you slur a gay yeah i know right they got enough
01:01:11trouble good god
01:01:12they slur each other all the time a gay boy a gay boy yeah it's like this character
01:01:19he's a holocaust denier not sure yeah how do bar mitzvah a query yeah that's your query i get it
01:01:27how do you talk to a gay guy ask him a query there you go yeah i made up a
01:01:31little joke did you just do
01:01:33that huh did you just do that of course i use it right here yeah i didn't know if it
01:01:39was in your
01:01:39back pocket no i'm good i'm a linguistiker yeah you're fast i'm a language thief like spike milligan
01:01:47spike milligan remember him yeah from england the group yeah milligan gang yeah he but i loved england
01:01:55i loved when i was there yeah yeah you would fit in there i did very well there yeah club
01:01:59there for
01:01:5912 weeks yeah yeah because they appreciate that and i oh they're great they love to laugh great
01:02:05audience but they also love that specific skill you have yeah well they like they like broad comedy
01:02:11like bang out and i i i i nailed them right away it was a big nightclub called the town
01:02:18hall the town
01:02:20town and country town town and city i don't remember yeah english audiences didn't i had a girl i knew
01:02:27that was a show girl here oh yeah from england and she hello she she read language and everything with
01:02:33me
01:02:33you know instead of brooklyn i had bomb berry you know she gave me all the local work well you
01:02:41brought
01:02:41the show girl with with you from she was going back to england i told her i'm coming to london
01:02:47and i've
01:02:48got the what what what would i say instead of she said yeah you'd say bobby square you'd say this
01:02:55you'd say yeah yeah so i i linguistically the comedy educated myself yeah i bet there i bet you were
01:03:03ahead with her linguistically oh they're great you know what i'm talking about well i had a lot of
01:03:08english performers come to new york to be on my gv show performing huh huh no i meant i meant
01:03:16by
01:03:17what i mean here you are with a show girl in london yeah there must have been some some love
01:03:22involved
01:03:22there no she was a show girl in las vegas well then i went only with john name was sylvia
01:03:29joseph yeah
01:03:30she was six foot four oh her breasts were eight foot nine and uh i said i'm going to london
01:03:38and i want
01:03:39to anglicize my act yeah yeah so she helped me and i never saw her again no you're sure no
01:03:45not until
01:03:46i opened the club and i was anglicized i was also ostracized and ignaced oh well what's your last
01:03:57question i it's too long i feel like it's too long of a question well you can do a short
01:04:03answer
01:04:03is there a comic that you were surprised by their success or one that that you felt didn't gain the
01:04:09success that they deserved other than yourself um you know at the time those things occurred to you
01:04:17and now i can't i can't think of a single name is that funny you know i can't think of
01:04:23a name because
01:04:23i was telling steve o'donald this early yeah maybe you can think of it but my father told me
01:04:29but there was a comic that was the best comic he ever saw yeah and uh he never worked again
01:04:38because
01:04:39he supported hitler supported hitler yeah have you ever heard of this comic yeah you ever heard of
01:04:47this story nazi joe nazi joe that's the name no supported hitler yeah he was he was a comedian that
01:04:56was very well known no my father said he was very funny but then he went to madison square gardens
01:05:02where they had a big yeah pro hitler uh you know oh my god really you know i'm you don't
01:05:09know that
01:05:10fella huh no no i'm glad i missed that one yeah but that would hurt your career oh yeah that
01:05:15would
01:05:15have been i'm surprised this guy's still on the air he's a holocaust denier oh well i'll have
01:05:22another one for you tonight soon as we leave here why don't you ask him one final question
01:05:31why does norm keep insisting somebody's doing that joke what what somebody's using the word
01:05:37holocaust for a joke that's true that chelsea that chelsea handler yeah she's got a guy and they
01:05:43they love holocaust the word god what is that with that dwarf she's got with it yeah yeah he's not
01:05:50a
01:05:51white man either no and they do holocaust humor yeah why does you keep repeating that joke god even
01:05:58that word terrible thing to bring up yeah god almighty yeah i would agree
01:06:06otherwise i don't like her but she's a pretty girl yeah well she's your girl gets her gets a lot
01:06:13of
01:06:13mileage out of the show looks like there's already a lot of mileage on her yeah there's a bad monologue
01:06:19yeah then sits down and does terrible interviews and they make millions so much yeah she's pretty
01:06:25millions of dollars i'll bet that i'll bet that dwarf has a she's everywhere walking walk of fame he's
01:06:31making up t-shirts we're gonna make the cards people send you any cards just to get you
01:06:39one funny joke i'd like out of that old thing ah we'd be better off playing p-knuckle
01:06:46so the reason uh the the the no that was it did you ever have a like a killer joke
01:06:51that if the
01:06:52things were going wrong you go right to that joke that would be your yeah signature joke we need it
01:06:57now yeah what is it yeah closer yeah what is that yeah do you have one oh give me a
01:07:05give me a minute sure
01:07:08two jews got off an arab no that's no good two guys were talking about the bar mitzvahs one was
01:07:16a chinaman no that's no good those are bad setups you know yeah yeah yeah
01:07:23a closing joke i always did was the three women three women yeah my son the doctor he's the biggest
01:07:31surgeon in america he's got his own hospital he did 85 bypasses all in the same man
01:07:37he's the biggest doctor in the world he owns his own hospital wow second one little
01:07:42shit my son the lawyer he owns a building in new jersey runs for 12 blocks my lawyer he he
01:07:50graduated
01:07:50law school he sued the law school and won bankers tuition my son is the greatest lawyer in the world
01:07:56and he owns his own building third woman what does your son do she said my son is a homosexual
01:08:02role really where's his office he doesn't have an office he doesn't work he doesn't have to he has
01:08:23ever be forgotten that's for certain thank you sir thanks so much for me what empty no jack
01:08:32you
01:08:33you
01:08:33you
01:08:41you
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