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00:00:05All right, for the full hour, Roseanne will join us.
00:00:08I'm here with my trusty sidekick, Adam Egan.
00:00:10How are you, Norm?
00:00:10Good, good.
00:00:11How are you?
00:00:12I'm great.
00:00:13Dandy.
00:00:14I'm just dandy.
00:00:15You're dandy.
00:00:15Mm-hmm.
00:00:16Well, as long as you're feeling good.
00:00:18Oh, yeah.
00:00:18I had a little snack before the show, as you know, I like to do.
00:00:22It helps keep the energy up.
00:00:24Well, it's important to have energy when you're doing a show, certainly.
00:00:28But I don't know, there's something odd about you tonight.
00:00:32Are you okay?
00:00:33No, no.
00:00:33Everything's great.
00:00:34I feel dandy.
00:00:36And when you hear dandy, you know it's great.
00:00:40Dandy makes everything a-okay.
00:00:47Hmm.
00:00:48Hmm.
00:00:49Okay, well, that's good.
00:00:50Are you looking forward to Roseanne?
00:00:52Oh, I am.
00:00:53She's a classic.
00:00:54A real classic.
00:00:55Just like the right kind of snack food can be a real classic.
00:00:59I get it.
00:01:00You like your snack.
00:01:01Do you have any questions for Roseanne?
00:01:03I do.
00:01:04What have you been working on lately?
00:01:06Where do you get your ideas from?
00:01:08Have you tried dandy's new potato chips with sea salt?
00:01:11Well, those are pretty stupid questions.
00:01:14Although, I do like that one about where she gets her ideas from.
00:01:17Oh, it's a dandy.
00:01:19A real dandy.
00:01:22Why are you talking like an old prospector?
00:01:25You know, maybe you need a different snack to get your energy back up.
00:01:28You might be right, Norm.
00:01:30In fact, I could go for some dandy pretzels.
00:01:32Or even some delicious dandy potato chips.
00:01:36Or any other top quality products in the dandy family of fine packaged foods.
00:01:42Wait a minute, Adam.
00:01:43You're not usually this articulate.
00:01:44I can't help it, Norm.
00:01:46I'm just so excited thinking about these new dandy habanero pepper potato chips coming soon.
00:01:53Adam, we got to get on with the show.
00:01:55I was thinking, Norm, why not make the show more like a party where we could have dandy potato chips.
00:02:02Or dandy pretzels.
00:02:04Or even we can try some of these new dandy peanuts.
00:02:09What are you doing?
00:02:10A new convenience snack.
00:02:11What is this?
00:02:12Dandy this and dandy that.
00:02:14What are you doing?
00:02:16Was it that obvious?
00:02:17I was trying to weave it into the narrative.
00:02:20Adam, are you getting paid for this?
00:02:22Well, I know a guy.
00:02:24A local distributor.
00:02:25We went to middle school together.
00:02:28Is the show getting paid for this?
00:02:31No.
00:02:33I'll be honest.
00:02:34Look, I don't get any money for this gig.
00:02:36And I need to try and cover my gas costs.
00:02:39So you're doing product integration for this show.
00:02:44And you're keeping the money.
00:02:46I'll be honest.
00:02:47It wasn't very well thought out.
00:02:49They gave me a carton of new dandy ripple chips.
00:02:55Apparently they're good for dipping.
00:02:56I don't know.
00:02:58Annie, could you get my Louisville Slugger for me, please?
00:03:02Oh, no.
00:03:03Have the Louisville Slugger.
00:03:05Wait, why?
00:03:05It's an American tradition.
00:03:07Quality, craftsmanship, and pride.
00:03:09You can find them all when a sporting good bears the name Louisville Slugger.
00:03:19Oh, God.
00:03:21You see, I care enough, haven't I?
00:03:24To use a brand name.
00:03:27That's right, dandy.
00:03:29Why don't you just say brand X, you bum?
00:03:31It's called authenticity.
00:03:34Right, you're not worth a bank penny, you damn drunkard.
00:03:48We'll be back with Roseanne.
00:04:00Well, you know what they say, if you both make it this far, you've won.
00:04:05And that's complete bullshit.
00:04:08She is an Emmy and Golden Globe winning actress, comedian, writer, producer, director, hit show, Roseanne.
00:04:15Ran for nine seasons, followed by a talk show, The Roseanne Show, as the nominee for the Peace and Freedom
00:04:19Party.
00:04:20She placed sixth in 2012.
00:04:21She is now judge on last comic standing Thursday nights at NBC.
00:04:26And her new series, Momsters.
00:04:30Yeah, on the ID channel.
00:04:32Premieres on the ID channel.
00:04:34Yeah.
00:04:35All murder all the time.
00:04:36I love that channel.
00:04:37The indomitable Roseanne.
00:04:39Hey, you always like, I remember you always like serial killers.
00:04:42Oh, yeah.
00:04:43Uh-huh.
00:04:43Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:04:44Yeah, oh, I, yeah.
00:04:45I know everything about all that.
00:04:48I know.
00:04:48I got to tell you a story, Roseanne.
00:04:50Uh-uh.
00:04:51The things you say, I'm like, I did what?
00:04:54This happened, it's just going to trial now in Canada.
00:04:59Oh.
00:04:59But it's a tremendously big story in Canada.
00:05:02What this guy did is he killed his gay lover.
00:05:07And on video, he killed him online, streaming online.
00:05:13He killed him.
00:05:14I think I heard him.
00:05:15Bound him up and ate him while he was still living.
00:05:18And you heard the throes of the persons, of the lovers.
00:05:23You know, this was his soulmate for life, and now he's feasting on his viscera.
00:05:28And so he would scream his death rattle, which made the guy hungrier.
00:05:32And he ate more, like this and everything.
00:05:35And then he cut.
00:05:36I mean, this guy was a real jerk.
00:05:38Yeah, that ain't right.
00:05:40That's not right.
00:05:41Not at all.
00:05:42That's not good.
00:05:43No.
00:05:43So I remember reading about it.
00:05:45I don't think I read that he ate him alive.
00:05:48Oh, ate him alive.
00:05:48There's a lot of crazy people like that that are like cannibals and stuff.
00:05:52Yeah, yeah.
00:05:53You'd be surprised.
00:05:54There was a guy in Germany that put an ad in the paper.
00:05:57I saw that, too.
00:05:58Oh, yeah, I read that.
00:05:59And people answered the ad.
00:06:00And he got off.
00:06:01And he got off.
00:06:01Yeah, he got off.
00:06:02Because they wanted me to kill him.
00:06:03It was consensual sex and eating.
00:06:07And cannibalism.
00:06:08That's just eating to eat.
00:06:09Yeah, that's way beyond obsessive.
00:06:11Oh, so Jenny Craig corrects me.
00:06:13Yeah, yeah.
00:06:14She can't correct that shit.
00:06:15Remember when you were on, Roseanne, and you had some weight loss thing, and then you
00:06:23just said, fuck it, I'll keep the money.
00:06:26Oh, I got it so much.
00:06:28Yeah.
00:06:28No, I didn't say, fuck it, I'll keep the money.
00:06:31No, but to yourself.
00:06:31You're like, fuck it, I'll keep the money.
00:06:33And if they say anything.
00:06:34I didn't say that to myself.
00:06:36Or to me, somebody.
00:06:39I did?
00:06:39He said, yeah, he told me, he said, fuck it, man, I'm keeping the money.
00:06:42And if they come after me, I'll just say, the product doesn't work.
00:06:47That was brilliant.
00:06:48I did?
00:06:48I think so.
00:06:51Remember Roseanne?
00:06:52Yeah, I kind of remember that.
00:06:53That was fucking awesome.
00:06:55Wasn't that fucking awesome?
00:06:57That was the greatest.
00:06:58Roseanne gave me a job.
00:06:59Yeah.
00:06:59The first person.
00:07:00Because back then, you could only be a writer if you went to Harvard and stuff.
00:07:05Harvard, right, exactly.
00:07:06And you know, when I first went in that room.
00:07:07You came to cancel.
00:07:08No, no, girl.
00:07:09When I first went to Harvard.
00:07:11I'm scared, man.
00:07:12When I first went to that writer's room.
00:07:13You didn't go to Harvard.
00:07:14I mean, when I first went to that writer's room.
00:07:16No, I never got past high school.
00:07:18But when I first went to that writer's room, I was so afraid, because Harvard.
00:07:21And then they're just a bunch of idiots.
00:07:23Yeah.
00:07:24I mean, they're not funny.
00:07:26Maybe they're smart.
00:07:27I don't know.
00:07:28Well, they needed comics around them to get them going.
00:07:32Yes.
00:07:32You know, mostly, I guess when you go to Harvard, it kind of, I shouldn't say all these Harvard
00:07:37things, but it's kind of fun.
00:07:39Well, I guess it sort of rots out your brain or something and kills all your creative instincts
00:07:44when you go to Harvard.
00:07:45Yeah.
00:07:46And then it's like you can only regurgitate shit you've already seen 300 times on other
00:07:52shows.
00:07:52Oh, yes.
00:07:53But it could be the Prozac.
00:07:55I'm not sure.
00:07:56No, no.
00:07:56That's true.
00:07:57Because I, one time, had a TV show, and then a guy told me, oh, yeah, they did that on
00:08:02Friends.
00:08:03I was like, what?
00:08:04I stole an entire episode from Friends?
00:08:06Yeah.
00:08:07The guy's like, yeah.
00:08:08I don't know that.
00:08:09They do that because they don't have lives or anything.
00:08:12And all they do is sit and watch TV for shit to steal.
00:08:15And people don't realize, like, there's only a certain, there's only a couple good shows.
00:08:19So there's nobody that only writes on Roseanne.
00:08:22They came from, like, they worked on dinosaurs for one season and then over to Small Wonder
00:08:29and then made it to their way to Roseanne.
00:08:30Yeah, they go in that circuit.
00:08:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:08:33And they only know one way to do things.
00:08:35Right.
00:08:36Because this is my memory of Roseanne, is that they would write the script.
00:08:41You would say it's no good.
00:08:44Sometimes.
00:08:44Sometimes.
00:08:46But mostly what I learned from you from writing was too many jokes.
00:08:50There's too many jokes.
00:08:50You know, that's what you'd say.
00:08:52Too many fucking jokes.
00:08:53And then the writers would say, oh, we like our jokes.
00:08:55But then they'd take out the jokes.
00:08:57And then the show would be, the episode would be a big hit.
00:09:00And then the next week, same thing again.
00:09:02Yeah.
00:09:02They forgot that you were right.
00:09:06And the jokes, they weren't just jokes.
00:09:08They were jokes you heard 900 times.
00:09:10I mean, whenever I heard a good original joke, I would keep it.
00:09:13Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:09:14Fuck the plot.
00:09:15Right, right, right.
00:09:15Fuck the humanity.
00:09:18Get the joke.
00:09:19Right?
00:09:20If it was great.
00:09:21Sure.
00:09:21And sometimes, of course, it was great.
00:09:23But, you know, if it was like just a, you know, nothing new, you didn't need it.
00:09:29One time, I had a director come up to me, and I wanted to do it one way.
00:09:32He wanted to do it the other way.
00:09:34And he came up.
00:09:34This is a way of reassuring me.
00:09:36He goes, just do it my way.
00:09:37I've seen it work a thousand times.
00:09:42That's great.
00:09:43He was the same guy.
00:09:44He told me, I wanted Burt Reynolds on the show.
00:09:47And he was like, oh, you don't want him.
00:09:49He's crazy.
00:09:49And I'm like, no, I don't want you.
00:09:51I want him.
00:09:52Like, you know, I kind of want a crazy guy, which is what I wanted to talk to you a
00:09:57little
00:09:57bit about.
00:09:57Oh, yeah.
00:09:58Well, there's this notion of crazy.
00:10:00Yeah.
00:10:00Burt Reynolds.
00:10:01But he's funny.
00:10:01I remember one time he caught his hair on fire when he was over.
00:10:05On the lot.
00:10:05Yeah.
00:10:06He was making, he came over and he had caught his hair on fire.
00:10:10I don't know how.
00:10:13We're like, oh, you better go to the doctor.
00:10:16You've got a big frigging hole in your scalp.
00:10:20Because Roseanne's show was on Radford, along with Seinfeld and Evening Shade.
00:10:26And I remember hearing a story, all his stories about Burt.
00:10:31And he would go on, on his hiatus, he'd go away and hire people for the show.
00:10:37And then people would show up, quit their job, you know, in whatever bar he just found them
00:10:43in.
00:10:44Oh, that's great.
00:10:45And they'd grab him and go, we're ready to work.
00:10:47And he'd go, why?
00:10:48And they'd just pay him off and the guy'd have to go home.
00:10:52But can you imagine that?
00:10:53Like you're in your little town and Burt Reynolds shows up at your candy store and offers you
00:10:59a job.
00:11:01That's kind of, what was he thinking?
00:11:03I don't know.
00:11:04But I think he had some, you were talking about, you had OCD.
00:11:07He must have had some crazy stuff.
00:11:09What is OCD?
00:11:11Multiple letters.
00:11:11What is OCD?
00:11:12OCD is obsessive compulsive disorder.
00:11:15Yeah.
00:11:15Yeah, where your head just goes around and around and around.
00:11:18You can't get out of this circle.
00:11:19It's like you've got to do things over and over and over.
00:11:22You try to change things and control things.
00:11:24It's control, right?
00:11:25Micromanage everything and it just all fucking goes wrong and blows up on you.
00:11:30But you never used to have that.
00:11:32Oh, I have, are you kidding?
00:11:34I was born like with something.
00:11:36Yeah?
00:11:36Something a little goofy.
00:11:37Yeah?
00:11:38Yeah, my whole family goes.
00:11:39I got here on the cheat sheet.
00:11:44Cheat sheet?
00:11:45Yeah, it's a cheat sheet.
00:11:47Those are your notes.
00:11:48Yeah.
00:11:49But it says somewhere in here, some fucking thing, that you went to a mental institution.
00:11:53Oh, several times.
00:11:55Not just one.
00:11:56More than once?
00:11:57Hell yeah.
00:11:58Yeah, baby.
00:12:00And there was crazy people there?
00:12:02Yeah.
00:12:03I was one of them.
00:12:05Yeah.
00:12:06But how do you deal with the other crazy people?
00:12:08Not crazy, but what do you call them?
00:12:10Mental health survivors is what we say now.
00:12:13Yeah.
00:12:14But, you know, people have like another reality.
00:12:16Yeah.
00:12:17And, you know, some of them are dangerous and some of them are freaky and some of them are genius.
00:12:23Yeah.
00:12:23So, you know, you just try to live through it.
00:12:29But, you know, they've got good therapists that can help you get your shit straight.
00:12:33Yeah.
00:12:33You know, losing touch with reality sometimes.
00:12:37My brother is a paranoid schizophrenic.
00:12:40Oh, that's the worst one.
00:12:41Yeah, yeah.
00:12:42That's too bad.
00:12:43Yeah.
00:12:43Is he on medication?
00:12:44Oh, sure.
00:12:45Is he okay?
00:12:46The medication's a lot better than he used to be.
00:12:48Yeah.
00:12:49Yeah.
00:12:49Is he all right?
00:12:51Well, he's, yeah, he's okay.
00:12:53Functional?
00:12:53He's functional.
00:12:54That's good.
00:12:55He doesn't work, but he lives in like a home with like four other people.
00:12:59That's a tough one, man.
00:13:00Yeah, it's just unfortunate that you have a chemical splash in your brain that changes your whole life forever.
00:13:07That's right, yeah.
00:13:08They say chicken or egg, which came first, but schizophrenia I think you're born with.
00:13:14Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:13:15You can't explain that one away.
00:13:16Yeah, that's a terrifying one.
00:13:18Yeah.
00:13:18Yeah, and if you get the diagnosis of schizophrenia, oof, that's going to be bad for you, as you probably
00:13:25know.
00:13:26Well, I wouldn't get it at my age.
00:13:28No, I mean your brother.
00:13:29Oh, yes, yes, yes.
00:13:30You know, they do all those crazy experiments on you.
00:13:31Yes, they do.
00:13:33Yeah.
00:13:34So what were you in for?
00:13:37Well, the first time I went in, I was real young, and I got hit by a car and I
00:13:42got a catastrophic head injury, a concussion,
00:13:45which I always follow about all these football players, you know, getting all these concussions and what can result.
00:13:51And, you know, you get your head knocked in.
00:13:55Yeah.
00:13:55And, you know, it does affect you for, you know, maybe forever.
00:14:00And I got the hood ornament went in my brain, my head, went right through my skull.
00:14:07Jesus.
00:14:08What?
00:14:09Yeah, I was in a coma and all this stuff.
00:14:11What was the shape of the hood ornament?
00:14:12You know, I think it was one of those ladies.
00:14:15Remember that?
00:14:15They had those, like.
00:14:16Yeah.
00:14:17Like Rolls Royce?
00:14:17No, it wasn't.
00:14:19Jesus, why do you think she got hit?
00:14:21Not a Rolls Royce.
00:14:22It was Utah.
00:14:24It was like a Ford.
00:14:25This guy comes from the money.
00:14:28You can't think less than a bagel.
00:14:29I wish I would have got hit by a Rolls Royce because I would have really been able to sue
00:14:33that bitch.
00:14:33But this one had no money at all.
00:14:36So she dragged me under the wheels and I, you know.
00:14:40Oh, my gosh.
00:14:41I got hit.
00:14:42It was catastrophic and I had trouble healing from it for about 10 years.
00:14:47Mental.
00:14:48Still, yeah, still some things are gone.
00:14:51And how old were you?
00:14:5315 or 16.
00:14:54This was in Utah?
00:14:55Now, an idiot would ask you, oh, did that help your comedy?
00:14:59Yeah.
00:14:59I didn't want him to go.
00:15:00Well, I was my, I mean, I wasn't, that was my next question.
00:15:03The weird thing it did was mess me up for math because I was like a math, an A math
00:15:08student.
00:15:09And I could never do the numbers for a really long time.
00:15:12I could have trouble with conception of numbers.
00:15:15But then later on, it came back and it came back fierce like this craving for numbers thing.
00:15:23You know, when we're talking about that.
00:15:24Oh, yeah.
00:15:24You know, and it, I change, you know, you change a lot when you have a head injury.
00:15:31And so I sort of became somebody different that they hadn't seen yet.
00:15:35Yeah.
00:15:36And then they were like, oh, uh-oh.
00:15:39So you felt different.
00:15:41Yeah, I was.
00:15:42You felt different.
00:15:43I was real, a nice girl until I got hit.
00:15:47As my mother still says, you were so nice until you got run over by that car.
00:15:53What did she mean by nice?
00:15:55Well, I was a nice girl.
00:15:56You know.
00:15:57What did you mean in the old sense of like sexually?
00:16:00Oh, well, yeah, I was all that.
00:16:02Like, I guess she means because she had a job and I raised her kids and cleaned the house
00:16:07and made dinner every night.
00:16:08So that was nice.
00:16:09Oh, that's nice.
00:16:09I was a mom since I was about six.
00:16:12Why wouldn't she do it?
00:16:13Booze?
00:16:14Well, she had to work.
00:16:15Oh, I see.
00:16:15You know, her and my dad, they both worked.
00:16:19And then what?
00:16:20Then you just became a hellcat.
00:16:22It was like 16.
00:16:23I'm like, come out of the coma.
00:16:25I was pretty Mormon-ish, you know.
00:16:27You were in a coma?
00:16:28Yeah.
00:16:29Jesus.
00:16:29Came out of there like, I guess about two weeks later.
00:16:33And I'm like, give me a fucking cigarette.
00:16:36I was like, it was like that.
00:16:37I woke up different.
00:16:39A different person.
00:16:40Yeah.
00:16:40I just wanted to smoke.
00:16:42I wanted to get a cigarette real bad.
00:16:44And I did.
00:16:46Wait, you'd never smoked before?
00:16:47No, I'd never do anything.
00:16:49God, man.
00:16:50And that was your first thing.
00:16:51You knew that cigarettes was...
00:16:53That was some cigarettes right there.
00:16:53Yeah.
00:16:54Then I got the marijuana.
00:16:56Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:16:56I wanted that, too.
00:16:58That's...
00:16:58Then I did all the rest of it.
00:17:01How long after you came out of the coma did you run off to Colorado?
00:17:05Colorado?
00:17:06What the fuck are you talking about?
00:17:07Well, that's what I read.
00:17:08Yeah, that's true.
00:17:09I read a whole thing on you.
00:17:11I didn't read nothing.
00:17:12You don't need to.
00:17:13I don't know nothing.
00:17:14You don't need to know that.
00:17:15You're going to find out.
00:17:16Hey, I smoked.
00:17:18When I was in high school, nobody liked me.
00:17:23And so I was so shy.
00:17:26People say they were shy, but I couldn't talk to nobody.
00:17:29So anyways, I said, I'll become a smoker because there weren't that many smokers.
00:17:36So I went to the store, and I got a whole pack of cigarettes.
00:17:38I went behind the store, and I smoked the whole fucking pack.
00:17:42Ew, in one day?
00:17:43Yeah, I got sick and I got sick.
00:17:44Oh, God.
00:17:44But not only did I become a smoker, I became a chain smoker instantly.
00:17:48And then it worked.
00:17:49Everyone liked me.
00:17:51Like, at school, because I was smoking.
00:17:54And then the teacher would be mad at me, but everybody's like, fucking Norm's cool.
00:17:58He smokes cigarettes.
00:18:00I still miss cigarettes.
00:18:02I miss them, too.
00:18:02You don't smoke, yeah?
00:18:03That's the thing I miss the most.
00:18:05God damn, those are good.
00:18:06Aren't they great?
00:18:07You know what I like about them is you can do nothing, but it seems like you're doing something.
00:18:12Yeah.
00:18:12You know what I mean?
00:18:13You can't just sit on a chair.
00:18:14Yeah.
00:18:14But you can sit on a chair and smoke a dozen cigarettes.
00:18:17Well, plus, when you're smoking, something happens that you're thinking, whoops, it seems like you're more creative.
00:18:25Yeah.
00:18:25You're sitting there and doing this or something, something in it is like, oh, you just have more creative thoughts.
00:18:32You do need stuff to be creative.
00:18:33There's no question about it, whether it's drugs or alcohol or something.
00:18:37I'm glad to hear you say that.
00:18:41You think so, too?
00:18:42I do, yeah.
00:18:43You know, you've got to have a vice, because you've got to have this thing that you're feeding the negative
00:18:48or whatever thing, and it brings up the other thing.
00:18:52Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:18:52That makes sense.
00:18:53And also, it takes away all the fucking other, you know, pedestrian thoughts about getting dinner together and, oh, I
00:19:03have to have a shower.
00:19:05And then you're just a filthy, filthy, malnutrition guy, but you've got ideas.
00:19:09Right, right, exactly.
00:19:11Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:19:12That's so true.
00:19:14So crazy.
00:19:14But on my cheat sheet, it said you practice Kabbalah.
00:19:19Yeah, I meditate.
00:19:21Pardon me?
00:19:22It's meditation.
00:19:22That's what I want to learn how to do.
00:19:24Oh, I'll teach you.
00:19:25You will, really?
00:19:25Yeah.
00:19:26It's fun and easy, and it's awesome.
00:19:28Oh.
00:19:29It's like, oof, this is some powerful shit.
00:19:32Yeah?
00:19:32For meditation, it's kind of a drug.
00:19:35I've read, I don't know how it's true to that.
00:19:37It kind of is.
00:19:38It changed your state of mind.
00:19:39Yeah.
00:19:40But it's good.
00:19:40Can you meditate while you're on a bunch of drugs?
00:19:43Oh, hell yeah.
00:19:44It's even more fun.
00:19:45Oh, yeah.
00:19:45Okay, excellent.
00:19:46Yeah.
00:19:47Because that is good to meditate.
00:19:49Yeah.
00:19:49Yeah.
00:19:50Yeah.
00:19:51My friend, Billy Joe Shaver, he calls that lazy man's drug.
00:19:55Why?
00:19:56Well, Billy Joe, man, he'll do anything.
00:20:00Oh, drug-wise?
00:20:00Yeah, yeah.
00:20:0175-year-old man.
00:20:03Oh.
00:20:03Shot a guy in the head two years ago.
00:20:06He's an outlaw.
00:20:07I'm going to get you his music.
00:20:08You're going to like him.
00:20:09Oh, shoot.
00:20:09Yeah.
00:20:10Outlaw country.
00:20:11You know, he wrote all Waylon songs.
00:20:14Oh, really?
00:20:14Willie songs.
00:20:16Why didn't you shoot the guy again?
00:20:18He shot the guy for mixing his beer?
00:20:20He put his finger in his beer or something like that?
00:20:23Oh, shit.
00:20:24I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.
00:20:29That's all it takes to be a sidekick.
00:20:31I asked him, my sidekick, he's like, I don't have those powers.
00:20:35I'm like, I'm not a sidekick, you retard.
00:20:37I want you to be a sidekick.
00:20:40I don't have the gift.
00:20:42I'm like, whatever.
00:20:46Hey, so this is a question from the Twitterverse.
00:20:50Have you and Madonna ever discussed Kabbalah?
00:20:58I have been with her when it's discussed and stuff.
00:21:03But my best Madonna story is, because I'm afraid of fame.
00:21:07I'm like you.
00:21:09I don't know what in the fuck you're supposed to say to people.
00:21:11And I'm like.
00:21:13Yeah.
00:21:13Like parties are difficult for you.
00:21:15Yeah.
00:21:16Yeah.
00:21:16And so I was like, I don't know.
00:21:19I'm not going to.
00:21:21What am I going to do when I show up?
00:21:22So I don't.
00:21:24But then I was like, I don't remember why.
00:21:28But I'm like, I'm going to this fucking party, damn it.
00:21:32I'm going to go to this goddamn party.
00:21:35Because it was at Madonna's.
00:21:37Yeah.
00:21:37And I thought, well, I'm going to be like other people and talk to other people and stuff.
00:21:43And, you know, because you have a panic and stuff.
00:21:46Oh, God.
00:21:47And so then I get there and whatever.
00:21:48You know, it's good for that.
00:21:49A fistful of Xanax.
00:21:50That's what people say.
00:21:51That's one I haven't tried yet.
00:21:53Oh, really?
00:21:54Yeah, I've tried that.
00:21:55But anyway, so.
00:21:57So I got there and whatever and what have you.
00:21:59And it goes on and on.
00:22:00And she came down.
00:22:02And I didn't know what to say.
00:22:04So I just went out and danced with her.
00:22:07You danced with Madonna?
00:22:09And it was so fun.
00:22:11Oh, bet.
00:22:11It was like one of the funnest nights of my life.
00:22:13And her kid was there.
00:22:14He's a great dancer, the little boy.
00:22:16Oh, right.
00:22:17And I just danced with her for hours.
00:22:20And it was a frigging blast.
00:22:22So there was not a lot of talking.
00:22:23Yeah.
00:22:24But there was a lot of.
00:22:25Yeah, yeah.
00:22:26A lot of that.
00:22:27It was fun.
00:22:28So I like her.
00:22:29I admire her.
00:22:30I remember one time you were at a party.
00:22:31It was your birthday party.
00:22:33And I remember because I did stand-up for her.
00:22:35I know because I hired you to do stand-up.
00:22:36Because I hired you to do stand-up.
00:22:37You and the other genius.
00:22:41Why can't I remember?
00:22:42Todd Rundgren.
00:22:43Yes.
00:22:43Todd Rundgren and Brian Wilson.
00:22:45Brian Wilson.
00:22:46This is why I wanted to ask you.
00:22:48Here's some Xanax.
00:22:49Really?
00:22:51How many should I take?
00:22:52Well, they get you very sleepy.
00:22:54I better take only a half.
00:22:55Oh, right now?
00:22:56Just take a half.
00:22:57Okay.
00:22:58I don't know why.
00:23:00But what concerned me at the party was that who was there other than Brian Wilson, but Tom
00:23:07Arnold.
00:23:08That was an experience that I have blocked.
00:23:11I don't even remember it.
00:23:13Tom?
00:23:13Huh?
00:23:14All I remember is one time there's a sub-story in the Enquirer.
00:23:17Because all the stories.
00:23:19And you go, I'm going to find out which one, who planted this story.
00:23:23I know.
00:23:23That's a good one, huh?
00:23:25And who ended up, you did a thorough search.
00:23:29I paid a guy 60 grand for a private detective.
00:23:34We're sitting there.
00:23:36This is like crazy.
00:23:39This is how it was.
00:23:40And we're sitting there.
00:23:42And Tom's next to me.
00:23:45And he goes, this is going to be so great that we're going to find out who's done this.
00:23:50And the guy, I go, so who's the leak, you know?
00:23:54Because, you know, also when you've got something like that, all the time, everybody you see,
00:23:58you're like, I wonder if it's him.
00:23:59I wonder.
00:24:00Yeah, you suspect him.
00:24:00So it's like you're totally isolated thinking everybody's the person.
00:24:04That's a terrible feeling.
00:24:05And the guy, he looks like, you know, he's all calm.
00:24:09He goes, well, we found out who the leak was.
00:24:12And he smiles and everything.
00:24:13And I'm like, good.
00:24:14Who was it?
00:24:14And he goes, it's your husband.
00:24:19And, you know, I look over and he's just like, no emotion.
00:24:24He's just like.
00:24:28And, you know, he's like, what?
00:24:32And then he says, this guy doesn't want us to be together.
00:24:38So.
00:24:39The private investigator.
00:24:40No, that's what Tom said.
00:24:41Yeah.
00:24:42This guy's making.
00:24:43Sorry you paid.
00:24:45He goes, no, we have the proof.
00:24:46We have the proof right here.
00:24:48Here it is.
00:24:50Now what in the fuck am I going to do?
00:24:52So I was like, I got to get out.
00:24:54I think I got to get out of this marriage.
00:24:55What would Tom have gotten out of that?
00:24:57A couple of hundred bucks probably.
00:24:59I have no idea.
00:25:00But then I found out he had done a lot, I guess.
00:25:03You know, he had a, I don't know what his fuck.
00:25:06But he probably made less than half an empire.
00:25:11I don't know what the fuck.
00:25:13I don't even know who he is or nothing.
00:25:15I don't know what.
00:25:16It was three years.
00:25:17I don't know either.
00:25:18I know he shakes his legs.
00:25:20I don't know what's going on.
00:25:20He shakes his leg a lot.
00:25:21Did he ever get you nervous?
00:25:22Hey, Rosie.
00:25:24Yeah, he did make me nervous.
00:25:26I don't know.
00:25:26I liked him because he was another comic and he used to open for me and write good jokes.
00:25:32And we had a fun time like that.
00:25:34Yeah, you should have married.
00:25:35You said Younger's.
00:25:37I know, right?
00:25:38We'll be back with Roseanne after the Xanax kicks in.
00:25:47Back with Roseanne under the influence.
00:25:49You were going to say a story about Tom when he was asleep?
00:25:54Yeah, I wasn't the nicest person either, I want to say.
00:25:58You know, he wasn't.
00:26:00Yeah, there's two sides.
00:26:02Sure.
00:26:03But, yeah, I hated him pretty bad after we were married for a month or so.
00:26:08And, you know, one month itch.
00:26:12It was about the second year I was like, what am I going to do?
00:26:15And, you know, I wasn't in good mental states for some reason.
00:26:22And anyway, so.
00:26:23You had a lot of money you could afford, like, instruments to striking your seats.
00:26:27Well, I always imagined, you know, hitting him with things while he was asleep.
00:26:34And, you know, that's when the math came back, actually.
00:26:38Because I was, like, really good on trajectory.
00:26:40I was, like, arch and, you know, I could follow it all the way in like a basketball, you know.
00:26:48I thought in my head a lot about, oh, I'm going to take this and smash it right.
00:26:52But I won't.
00:26:54So you'd figure it all out.
00:26:55Well, I'd think about it, but I didn't do it.
00:26:57Like the way a cat does when he's ready to jump on us.
00:27:00Yeah, but this one time I was like, oh, might as well see if I've got the aim.
00:27:08And I had a lucite encased baseball, a baseball encased in lucite.
00:27:15And I was standing in the hall.
00:27:17I remember he was asleep.
00:27:19And I'm like, I want to put this two inches above the left side.
00:27:24You know, I wonder if I can do it.
00:27:25And by God, if I didn't hit it with fucking accurate, it was, like, from here to there, a complete
00:27:34accuracy.
00:27:35Wow.
00:27:36Two, well, it was this way, so it was two inches above the left side.
00:27:40It was pretty good.
00:27:41That's when my math skills came back.
00:27:43Yeah.
00:27:45And he woke up, what the fuck?
00:27:48You know.
00:27:50That's pretty impressive.
00:27:51After, I'm like, shit, you could have really, you know, hurt or killed or something.
00:27:56You shouldn't.
00:27:57Don't do that again.
00:27:59You said that to yourself.
00:28:00Yeah, of course, to myself.
00:28:02So I never did it again.
00:28:03But, boy, that one time.
00:28:05That's why my son plays basketball.
00:28:07And I was able to teach my son about trajectory.
00:28:10About the arc.
00:28:11Mm-hmm.
00:28:11The arc and the trajectory and the aim.
00:28:14I mean, when I was young, my kid, he told me, my brother was, he was only two years older
00:28:18than me,
00:28:19but I thought he was, like, a god or something.
00:28:20I believed everything he said, even though he was nine.
00:28:24And so he's, so he tells me he can shoot a squirrel's eye out at 90 feet, you know, with
00:28:29a gun, a rifle, 22.
00:28:32Yeah.
00:28:33So he puts a cigarette in my mouth.
00:28:34Oh, no, no.
00:28:37And so he's about 20 feet away from me.
00:28:40He's going to shoot the cigarette, not only shoot the cigarette out, but shoot the ember out.
00:28:44And he just shoots and misses us by, like, eight feet.
00:28:49So he easily could have shot me in the head.
00:28:52Definitely.
00:28:53That isn't good.
00:28:54So here's some questions.
00:28:55Don't try this at home.
00:28:56No.
00:28:58Questions from the Twitterverse, which I'm now realizing all suck.
00:29:03Twitter kind of sucks anymore.
00:29:06Ask them.
00:29:07You know when Larry King used to have a show, he goes, let's get a question from the audience, you
00:29:12know,
00:29:13and then they'd always suck.
00:29:15Yeah.
00:29:15It'd be much better.
00:29:16Larry King's questions would be much better.
00:29:18But here's what I heard Larry King say one time.
00:29:20This woman had lost her child, you know, for some reason, dead, you know.
00:29:26And then Larry King said, Paul Newman told me you never get over it.
00:29:32It's like a psychopath question.
00:29:36I had all my kids on Larry King one time.
00:29:39Yeah?
00:29:39You know, and I had my little boy, Bakula, about seven then.
00:29:45You know, I had all five of my kids.
00:29:45You mean it was one of those ones where it's a bunch of chairs in Larry?
00:29:48Yeah.
00:29:48I'll find my kids.
00:29:50On set?
00:29:51Yeah, getting interviewed there.
00:29:53And he asked to talk to everybody.
00:29:57And then he looks at my little boy and he goes, so who's your mom?
00:30:05Well, he said he never researched.
00:30:07He doesn't do any research.
00:30:08He goes, my kid goes, mom?
00:30:16When he was here, he was sitting in the chair you were sitting in.
00:30:19And I asked him, what do you think about most of the time now?
00:30:21You don't have a show anymore.
00:30:22He goes, death.
00:30:25I was like, good God.
00:30:26I'm trying to do a little breezy conversation.
00:30:30And then he's like, I don't believe there's anything afterwards either.
00:30:33Just dirt.
00:30:34You're smothered in it.
00:30:35I'm like, all right.
00:30:36Easy.
00:30:37And he looks like he's been already dead 10 years.
00:30:40He looks so much older than he does.
00:30:42We saw him in Hawaii.
00:30:44And we were like, Jesus Christ.
00:30:46It's like, I don't know, like a gargoyle.
00:30:49But then the next month or so, remember, I went to do a show.
00:30:54And he looked good.
00:30:56Like, I guess they put makeup on him.
00:30:59Oh, yeah.
00:30:59They get the people that work over at Madame Tussauds.
00:31:03But then he lights up, of course.
00:31:05It's like those performers that, you know, like Rickles.
00:31:08And then he's on stage.
00:31:09And all of a sudden, you know.
00:31:10So that's the great thing, I guess.
00:31:12You ever had that?
00:31:13Like, you know, return to stand-up, you're telling me.
00:31:16Or you're planning it, right?
00:31:17Yeah, if I ever get my shit together, I don't know.
00:31:21I'm thinking about it.
00:31:22I like going and doing 10 on somebody else's thing.
00:31:26Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:31:26The pressure is too.
00:31:27I mean, I'm not real good at pressure no more.
00:31:29Plus, like, I always feel like an hour is too long.
00:31:32You know, I get up there, and it's like 90 minutes or something.
00:31:35I'm like, what?
00:31:36People don't even want to watch a movie that long.
00:31:38Yeah, it's hard.
00:31:39And, uh...
00:31:40I did Vegas for, like, I guess five months, a couple years back.
00:31:44Yeah.
00:31:44So I could learn my hour.
00:31:46Yeah, yeah.
00:31:46Because it took me five months to learn it.
00:31:48Yeah, sure.
00:31:48I used to, you know, you remember from Roseanne, I just looked once and I'd know.
00:31:52Yeah.
00:31:53But your memory does go.
00:31:55Isn't that funny?
00:31:55Yeah.
00:31:55Yeah, you're good.
00:31:56But I have a good hour, and sometimes I think, Christ, I'm going to go out, you know.
00:32:02Especially on The Last Comic Standing, seeing it all.
00:32:05Yeah.
00:32:05It makes you get, you know, excited for it.
00:32:09Oh, you want to see yourself on The Tonight Show?
00:32:11Okay.
00:32:13You got it?
00:32:13I don't know.
00:32:14It's supposed to be right there.
00:32:15I don't care.
00:32:16So I'm fat, I said I'd point that out.
00:32:18Oh, God damn.
00:32:20I'm so old.
00:32:20I love this joke.
00:32:21Have you ever noticed that fat people don't think like skinny people?
00:32:24We have our own way of thinking.
00:32:26Like, did you ever ask a fat person for directions?
00:32:29Because that is when the difference in thinking really shows, you know.
00:32:32Because you go up to them on the street and ask them where something is, and they tell you like
00:32:36this.
00:32:36Well, go down here to Arby's.
00:32:40I'm still doing that joke.
00:32:42There you are?
00:32:42I'm still doing that joke for years and it's, yeah.
00:32:47They were nice to me, man.
00:32:49And go right past Wendy's, McDonald's, Burger King.
00:32:53It's a chocolate brown building down there.
00:32:55There's the joke.
00:32:56It's a chocolate brown building.
00:32:58That's the money part.
00:33:00And I think that's the payoff part.
00:33:03You had a pretty quick rush.
00:33:04So, from when you moved to L.A. and did the comedy show.
00:33:07Tell them your most famous joke that people say are too masculine sometimes.
00:33:12Oh, that one.
00:33:13Well, that was my killer joke.
00:33:15Yeah.
00:33:15That was my ender, closer.
00:33:18People say, you're not very feminine.
00:33:20I say, suck my dick.
00:33:23I'm closer.
00:33:25A hell of a closer.
00:33:26I thought I didn't know.
00:33:27Now, you were, so you came to stand-up.
00:33:29You already had life experience.
00:33:31Yeah.
00:33:32I was like 29.
00:33:33Yeah.
00:33:33Oh, wow.
00:33:34Older than the kids nowadays where it's, you know, it's like nowadays it's very handsome
00:33:40or very pretty people.
00:33:42And often they'll start when they're 18 or something like that.
00:33:45Yeah, they start early.
00:33:47And it's kind of a, it's funny in its own way, but it's, there's no real authenticity
00:33:54or life experience to it, don't you find?
00:33:57Well, it's like observational commentary-like.
00:34:03Yeah.
00:34:04And then I love, and it's always not about them.
00:34:07Right, exactly.
00:34:07The best comedy is where it's like, we always say this on Last Comic Standing, because I
00:34:12get to sit there next to Keenan Ivory Wayans, that guy's a friggin' genius.
00:34:16That's right.
00:34:17And, you know, I just love hearing where he's going to go with it, because, I mean, he's
00:34:21got in-depth analysis of stand-up.
00:34:23But I like to watch it and I'll go, you know, I'll think those things, but like he's, you
00:34:28know, he's like King Solomon or something.
00:34:34But I forgot what we're talking about.
00:34:36No, you were saying that you need your onyx.
00:34:37Oh, yeah, it's bringing the pain.
00:34:38Yeah.
00:34:38It's like comedy is about, oh, God, feel the pain and we're going to get rid of it.
00:34:43We're going to laugh it away.
00:34:45Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:34:45So a lot of them aren't doing that, so it's just like about that deep.
00:34:49Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:34:50And, you know, I like the deep shit.
00:34:52What about guys that do like, that's not very good, is it?
00:34:55Sometimes it is.
00:34:57Political stuff?
00:34:57I like all comedy.
00:34:59Do you?
00:35:01You probably like it all, too.
00:35:03I don't like political comedy that much.
00:35:04You don't?
00:35:06Like, I don't give a fuck if Reagan's old.
00:35:08Are they still doing Reagan jokes?
00:35:10Probably.
00:35:11They probably are.
00:35:12Yeah, you got to have a, you know, you get like an old socialist audience of old Jewish
00:35:18guys with ponytails when you do material like that.
00:35:21I read here, though, on Last Comic Standing, they're going to, here on my cheat sheet, they
00:35:26said that they're going to, it's going to broaden from, they're going to have to do panel
00:35:32on a talk show.
00:35:32Yeah, they're doing all that.
00:35:35Appear in a sitcom.
00:35:35They go to a roast.
00:35:37Or a roast.
00:35:37They go to a roast.
00:35:39I think this week they're doing a roast, and they also have to go on a tour at Universal
00:35:44and, you know, do the, you know.
00:35:46Oh, good God.
00:35:47Where they're the.
00:35:48Oh, that'd be hard.
00:35:49Yeah, that'd be hard.
00:35:50You ever see them guys, fellas that do street performing?
00:35:55Yeah, those are the best ones.
00:35:56They're amazing.
00:35:57Yeah, aren't they?
00:35:57I don't know how they do that.
00:35:58There was a black guy here, so I was a black guy, and in Venice Beach he'd do it, and
00:36:04then
00:36:04there was a famous guy in New York that Chappelle used to worship Ray, what was that?
00:36:10Charlie Burnett.
00:36:10Charlie Burnett.
00:36:10Oh, everybody worshiped Charlie Burnett.
00:36:12So Charlie Burnett would just walk around Washington Square Park and, you know, have to bring the audience
00:36:20to him, you know.
00:36:21It ain't easy, you know, when you're ravaged with AIDS.
00:36:28Did he have AIDS?
00:36:31It really hurt his career.
00:36:32Yeah, that would do it.
00:36:33Oh, my God.
00:36:34Magic Johnson gets it.
00:36:36Well, he's got, I don't know what he's on.
00:36:38I hear he drinks a cocktail.
00:36:40He's got like, you know, I mean, a lot of people have lived with it for a long time,
00:36:44and you can be sure he's got the best drugs that they can get.
00:36:48That he can get, and then he's healthy, he's more healthy than me.
00:36:51And then...
00:36:52It doesn't always go to AIDS.
00:36:53But the guy's in Africa.
00:36:54Yeah.
00:36:55Are there starving children in the world?
00:36:57Yeah, hell yeah.
00:36:58Well, why don't we just take all our money and feed them?
00:37:01That's what I fucking wonder.
00:37:03Because we're idiots.
00:37:04Shouldn't that be the biggest problem in the world?
00:37:06We can't solve a fucking problem to save our goddamn life from the smallest fucking thing
00:37:11to anything on earth.
00:37:12If you were president, wouldn't you say, starving children, that's the number one thing.
00:37:16That's right.
00:37:16That's what I said in my campaign.
00:37:18That's the first thing.
00:37:19We're going to figure out how to get that food to the hungry.
00:37:23Let's do something fucking useful for once.
00:37:25Yeah, exactly.
00:37:26We've got to learn how to blow people up and all that rest of the whole shit.
00:37:30Are you going to run again?
00:37:30Like they say, man does not live by bread alone, but that implies first you need bread.
00:37:36And then you can get your, is that what I mean?
00:37:38I can go there.
00:37:41Yeah.
00:37:41You've got to have food for God's sakes before anything else.
00:37:44Yeah, right.
00:37:45You do.
00:37:46Food, shelter, clothing, TV.
00:37:51I feel like that.
00:37:52Sometimes they would pick TV, I think I feel, over the...
00:37:57Do you love TV?
00:37:59No.
00:37:59Oh.
00:38:00Because now I've got the YouTubes.
00:38:02Oh, the YouTubes, yeah.
00:38:03It's the same thing, I guess.
00:38:04I like it.
00:38:04Like I watch, I don't watch Last Comic Standing, I just watch you on YouTube on Last Comic Standing.
00:38:09Oh.
00:38:09I just like hearing you talk.
00:38:12People are like, can't you be meaner?
00:38:14Did they tell you not to be as mean?
00:38:16No, they tell me to be meaner.
00:38:17Well, early though, you told that guy to fuck off and stuff like that.
00:38:28No respect.
00:38:29No, but I'm so used to that working around Hollywood people.
00:38:33But this one was like, you're not going to come on my show and pull that shit.
00:38:37Yeah, yeah.
00:38:38Motherfucker.
00:38:40So anyway.
00:38:42Also, I thought I'd get a laugh.
00:38:44Yeah, well, of course.
00:38:46But did that hurt you?
00:38:49Because I've talked to Chappelle about being labeled as crazy.
00:38:54Did that ever stall your, stop whatever you wanted to do in show business after the Roseanne show?
00:39:02Yeah, I think it did.
00:39:03It hurt me a lot.
00:39:05You know, singing the Star Spangled Banner really hurt me a lot.
00:39:08Yeah, that was crazy.
00:39:09Yeah, it was a little crazy.
00:39:10I had no idea it was going to go like that, too, because I was like practiced.
00:39:14I thought it was going to go good.
00:39:16Yeah.
00:39:16And the night before I had gone on Johnny Carson, and I told him I was going to do it,
00:39:21and he says to me, don't, whatever you do, don't start too high.
00:39:27He goes, Robert Goulet, he screwed up bad because he started too high.
00:39:32Don't start too high, whatever.
00:39:35I'm like, thanks, Johnny.
00:39:37And you didn't.
00:39:38You ended high.
00:39:38No, I started way too high.
00:39:40You did?
00:39:40And I was like, oh, shit, there's no fucking way I'm going to be able to hit that note.
00:39:45I was like, I better stop and start over again, but then I was like, there's no music or anybody
00:39:50to go cut.
00:39:51Wow.
00:39:52So I just had to keep going.
00:39:53I was like, oh, my God.
00:39:56And they were fucking going crazy, too, and because they thought, I tried to make it funny
00:40:02once I realized I wasn't going to be able to do it very well.
00:40:06And I looked out there, and there was all these guys, like beer bottles, like the frigging
00:40:11fucking Taliban, going like this, like that.
00:40:16It was the scariest frigging thing.
00:40:18Yeah, it was.
00:40:19Then after it was over, they go, you want to go back to your seat?
00:40:23I'm like, no.
00:40:26You knew that it hadn't gone well.
00:40:28I knew it wasn't going to go well, like about six notes in.
00:40:32And the panic went, oh, fuck, what am I going to do?
00:40:34I can't just walk off, so I'll try to make it funny, you know.
00:40:40Now I watch a lot of young people my son's age, they're like, that was hilarious.
00:40:45We look, that was so hilarious.
00:40:47I'm like, yeah, it was real fucking hilarious.
00:40:50Well, probably nowadays it was.
00:40:52It was hilarious to have to have police on my roof with rifles.
00:40:56God damn.
00:40:56It was real fucking hilarious.
00:40:58I read one of the impressions.
00:40:58Well, they take those things very seriously.
00:41:00I remember when I was very young, Jose Feliciano did a sort of a modern attempt at the Stars
00:41:07Make a Modern and it got in a lot of trouble for it.
00:41:09And nowadays they'll do it all day.
00:41:11You don't want to do that.
00:41:12You don't want to sing holy songs on it.
00:41:15Hey, you want to do some jokes, Roseanne?
00:41:17On the baseball.
00:41:17I have jokes.
00:41:18Okay.
00:41:19We have to take a break.
00:41:20No, we're not going to take a break.
00:41:21Oh, okay.
00:41:22Fuck the break.
00:41:23We're going to just do jokes.
00:41:25Sounds good.
00:41:25And who better than Roseanne?
00:41:27Well.
00:41:27I can't think of anyone.
00:41:28I can't remember anyone.
00:41:29Hey, Roseanne.
00:41:30How's your cyber eye?
00:41:32It's weird.
00:41:33I had to get an eye replacement.
00:41:37And it's like really weird.
00:41:39It's this one.
00:41:40And if you look in, you can see that there's like a fucking $6 million man kind of.
00:41:46Yeah, exactly.
00:41:47Yeah.
00:41:47Cyborg deal in there.
00:41:49Looks cool.
00:41:50It is.
00:41:51I mean, I can see, but like sometimes it like starts blinking and it like just goes
00:41:57off on its own, has its own life.
00:42:00What if you put like a snow globe in there or something like that?
00:42:03That would be good.
00:42:04I'm thinking to wear a patch.
00:42:06Oh, that'd be cool.
00:42:07Like a pirate patch.
00:42:08A patch would be awesome.
00:42:09Wouldn't it?
00:42:10Oh, my God.
00:42:10I hurt my eye when I was young and they were going to give me a patch and I was
00:42:13so excited.
00:42:14And then it was a pink patch with a bunch of like holes in it to get the air in.
00:42:18Oh, that's not cool.
00:42:19Yeah.
00:42:20What's the point of that?
00:42:21I know.
00:42:23I would get the scorn of pirates.
00:42:28Here's a joke to read.
00:42:29This is the only show where you actually give jokes.
00:42:32Okay.
00:42:33What am I doing?
00:42:33You just read it.
00:42:34You can read it to the camera.
00:42:35You can read it first and then see and then nix it or you can.
00:42:41This is a long fucking joke.
00:42:43It's a long joke.
00:42:43I'll do it, though.
00:42:44I think it might work.
00:42:47Harriet Thompson, 91.
00:42:49Yeah.
00:42:49Do you want me to read it to the camera?
00:42:51Yeah, just read it to the camera.
00:42:52Finished running the Rock and Roll San Diego Marathon in just over seven hours.
00:42:56Wow.
00:42:56Becoming the oldest person to complete a marathon and setting a world record for the fastest
00:43:01time in her age group.
00:43:02Goodness.
00:43:03The previous record was set by Mildred Kenilworth, who died during Mile One.
00:43:17Oh, goodness.
00:43:19So she crushed that record.
00:43:24Is that true?
00:43:25Yeah, it is.
00:43:26Hey, what about this?
00:43:27Kim and Kanye celebrated their baby Northwest.
00:43:32One, his name's Northwest.
00:43:34His one-year birthday by throwing a big party.
00:43:37What's that?
00:43:38It's a her.
00:43:38Oh, it's a girl.
00:43:39Yeah, Northwest, of course.
00:43:40I should have known by the name.
00:43:41Northwest, yeah.
00:43:43Anyway, she had her one-year birthday and they threw a big party with jugglers, a bouncy
00:43:47house, and a Ferris wheel.
00:43:48Well, the bad news is that Northwest is a baby, so it doesn't know what the fuck is
00:43:53going on.
00:43:58Well, this is all attitude.
00:44:00You have to say this with attitudes.
00:44:01You have to read ahead and use your acting skills.
00:44:04I liked you in She-Devil.
00:44:07A study has found that men are just as likely as women to spread gossip.
00:44:12At least that's what I heard Rick tell Brad, who, by the way, has a crush on Patty.
00:44:17Oh, does she?
00:44:20Hey, Madonna, your friend, says she's planning to remake the movie Casablanca.
00:44:25Oh, really?
00:44:25Yeah, finally, somebody's going to get it right.
00:44:30Is she really doing that?
00:44:32Yeah, apparently.
00:44:33Here's a really easy way to figure out if you're taking, huh?
00:44:38Talking too many meds.
00:44:39Taking?
00:44:40Here's a really easy way to figure out if you're taking too many meds.
00:44:43You refer to your medication as meds.
00:44:47Oh, yeah.
00:44:50You have two and a half meds.
00:44:52See, it does say talking, though.
00:44:53Oh, Christ, I'm sorry.
00:44:54That's all right.
00:44:55You didn't make a mistake.
00:44:56The only thing certain in life are death, taxes, and getting caught whacking off in a Target
00:45:04dressing room.
00:45:07Are these your tips?
00:45:09I haven't learned that though.
00:45:11Here's one.
00:45:12It's about your friend.
00:45:17Hey, you're not going to believe this, but Bill Maher has given away the solution to all
00:45:22our problems for free.
00:45:27He is, isn't he?
00:45:29I like Bill Maher when all his problems are just his problems, so he's like, why are there
00:45:34kids around all the time, and why can't we smoke?
00:45:36What about whores?
00:45:37It's all just his stuff he wants.
00:45:44You know, cat ladies, they're so crazy, they're always thought to be crazy.
00:45:47You know what's even crazier?
00:45:49Snake ladies.
00:45:50Oh, yeah.
00:45:51Absolutely.
00:45:52Hey, let's give one to Adam Eagle.
00:45:54This is all it's fun.
00:45:55Oh, that's cool.
00:45:56There you go.
00:45:56Watch this.
00:46:01Workers at a Harvard University library have discovered a book that's bound with-
00:46:04Now, she is a judge on Last Comic Standing.
00:46:08Oh, well then, you're going to really get a kick out of this one.
00:46:12Listen, so workers at a Harvard University library have discovered a book that's bound
00:46:17with human skin.
00:46:18Ew.
00:46:18I know.
00:46:19It's disgusting.
00:46:19Anyway, they were able to determine that part of the body the skin came from after the
00:46:24book was grabbed by a sexy librarian and immediately expanded to three times its size.
00:46:29You know what I mean?
00:46:34It's like three times.
00:46:40Three times its size.
00:46:42Maybe, maybe if you didn't start-
00:46:43Does that mean it was made from a penis?
00:46:45Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:46:47That's the funny part.
00:46:48I get it.
00:46:49The premise brings up all kinds of-
00:46:52No, it's weird.
00:46:53Shadows of the Holocaust and stuff.
00:46:55I don't really see how it-
00:46:56When Gwyneth Paltrow says being a movie star is harder than working a nine-to-five job,
00:47:04apparently she said that.
00:47:05She knows because she spent years clearing heavy debris from demolition sites.
00:47:12Oh, no, wait.
00:47:13This just in, Gwyneth Paltrow's never done shit.
00:47:20Here's a nice short joke.
00:47:22Oh, great.
00:47:24I'm the Ray Allen of my local Applebee's because I'm always nailing threes.
00:47:31Because I have sex with women who are-
00:47:35You see what he does?
00:47:37I did that.
00:47:37You see how he does that thing that new comics do where they do a bad joke and then they
00:47:41try
00:47:41to explain it as a way of saving?
00:47:44You understand?
00:47:44It is.
00:47:45That is the funny part, though, the tap dance.
00:47:47I remember when Carson would start dancing.
00:47:48Carson was the greatest at that, yeah.
00:47:50At doing the death joke.
00:47:52I'm not even Carson Palmer of joke reading.
00:47:55But you did do the back pedal thing.
00:47:57Yeah, yeah.
00:47:58I do a lot of back pedal.
00:47:59But here's the thing.
00:48:01I'd see comics do this in clubs and they would do it, you know, like Letterman and Carson was
00:48:09the best at doing the saver.
00:48:10Right.
00:48:11But you don't do that with your act.
00:48:16Because with Carson, someone would write the jokes for it.
00:48:20So he would have to save them.
00:48:22But you don't put it in your act and then fucking do a saver every night.
00:48:25Well, I couldn't wait to see that when he was saving the joke.
00:48:29Oh, yeah.
00:48:29He's the greatest.
00:48:30And then they'd go, T for two.
00:48:33Oh, yeah.
00:48:33Two for two.
00:48:34It's hilarious.
00:48:35Yeah.
00:48:36I almost wanted him to die so he would do that.
00:48:39It was so funny.
00:48:41He could die great.
00:48:42Dying great is a real-
00:48:43Oh, I think he meant actually die.
00:48:45No, on stage.
00:48:46I'm sorry.
00:48:47No.
00:48:47I mean, you know, that's like skill.
00:48:49Because he did die.
00:48:49I prefer that.
00:48:50I know he died.
00:48:51I love watching you.
00:48:52Yeah, it's rare.
00:48:53But when you fail on stage, it's infinitely funnier to me.
00:48:56Who?
00:48:56You.
00:48:57You.
00:48:57Like I said, it's rare.
00:48:58But would you like to hear my impression of Johnny Carson phoning 911 when he had his
00:49:03fatal heart attack?
00:49:04I would.
00:49:05Okay.
00:49:06Okay.
00:49:06You'd be the 911 operator.
00:49:08Okay.
00:49:08What do I say?
00:49:09Say hello.
00:49:10Hello, 911.
00:49:14Can I help you, sir?
00:49:16Yes, this is Johnny Carson.
00:49:19Johnny Carson from television?
00:49:21Yes, that's right.
00:49:22Oh, hello, Mr. Carson.
00:49:23Good.
00:49:23What can I help you with?
00:49:25I don't know.
00:49:26I feel like there's a yak on my chest.
00:49:38He did have a lot of yak jokes.
00:49:40He had a lot of yak jokes.
00:49:41Remember when he had jokes about Ewell Gibbons?
00:49:44Oh, yeah.
00:49:46He'd always pick one guy.
00:49:47He'd always pick one guy.
00:49:48Yeah, you can grab one.
00:49:49And I didn't even know he wasn't as a kid, but I just laughed.
00:49:51I still don't know.
00:49:52Who's Ewell Gibbons?
00:49:54I think he did a Grape Met Cereals commercial.
00:49:57I love now.
00:49:57I have to explain to this fucking guy.
00:50:00It was about roughage and organic roughage.
00:50:07Got it.
00:50:09I didn't even know Grape Met's had a commercial.
00:50:10Jesus Christ.
00:50:11I didn't know they had a commercial.
00:50:12Shut up.
00:50:13I shut up.
00:50:14For one fucking minute, you know, trying to talk to a legend of commie.
00:50:19You're talking about it.
00:50:20Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.
00:50:22I'm still trying to find out who Bill Boggs was from two episodes ago.
00:50:25Bill Boggs.
00:50:25I remember that name.
00:50:26Sure, Bill Boggs.
00:50:28Comic, right?
00:50:28Yeah.
00:50:29I don't know if I met him, but I heard of him.
00:50:31Yeah, he had a show in New York.
00:50:33And he was also the creator of the Morton Downey Jr. show.
00:50:37Oh, my God, I loved that show.
00:50:39That was a great show.
00:50:41That's what I always called the Robert Downey Jr.
00:50:45I still call him Morton Downey Jr.
00:50:47Yeah.
00:50:48I loved that show.
00:50:49You thought they were related?
00:50:50I just can't.
00:50:51It's so stuck in my mind.
00:50:53Yeah.
00:50:53That was such a great show.
00:50:55Oh, God.
00:50:55He wasn't on some pioneer of that.
00:50:56Are you old enough to remember Joe Pine?
00:50:58Because that was what he reminded me of.
00:50:59No, but I remember the one that was Rebecca.
00:51:03Oh, yeah.
00:51:04Wally George.
00:51:05Wally George.
00:51:06Yeah, that was fun.
00:51:06He was good, too.
00:51:07But Joe Pine was the first one.
00:51:08Right.
00:51:09Right?
00:51:09I remember Morton Downey Jr.
00:51:11He goes, what do they do?
00:51:12He actually said this.
00:51:15What are you talking about?
00:51:17The guy shoved a corncob up a young man's ass.
00:51:21What are you talking about?
00:51:23I know that he's talking about.
00:51:25About William Gacy or...
00:51:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:51:29Oh, John Wayne.
00:51:30John Wayne Gacy.
00:51:31John Wayne Gacy.
00:51:33It's kicking in right now.
00:51:34Yeah, it kind of is.
00:51:36It's all right.
00:51:37It's kind of fun.
00:51:39Flatlining.
00:51:41It is.
00:51:41It's relaxing.
00:51:42John Wayne Gacy, man.
00:51:44Not my idea of a clown.
00:51:46Not funny at all.
00:51:48No.
00:51:49It kind of isn't funny.
00:51:51I remember I was in Italy.
00:51:52Maybe compared to this guy.
00:51:54I remember I was in Italy when they executed him.
00:51:57Oh, yeah.
00:51:58I was on one of my vacations, and they came on.
00:52:02Oh, they killed people.
00:52:03People are like, that's not right that the United States has capital punishment.
00:52:08I'm like, are you shitting me?
00:52:10Totally agree.
00:52:1330 kids.
00:52:14Oh, was it 50?
00:52:15Something like that.
00:52:16Some people, they deserve capital.
00:52:19No, no, no.
00:52:19Are you anti-capital punishment or something?
00:52:22No, I'm pro-capital punishment, but this guy starts talking numbers and deaths.
00:52:27Be careful, because it always gets back to the Holocaust tonight.
00:52:30Oh.
00:52:31I mean.
00:52:31Well, I do this thing where it's like six, you know that six degrees of separation?
00:52:36Oh, yeah.
00:52:37I'm Jewish.
00:52:38Me, too.
00:52:38So I can take anything in six.
00:52:41Hitler?
00:52:42I can take anything in six steps back to the Holocaust.
00:52:46Anything.
00:52:47Anything?
00:52:48Uh-huh.
00:52:49What about Julie Neumar?
00:52:52Huh?
00:52:52Huh?
00:52:52Julie Andrews.
00:52:54Julie Andrews.
00:52:55Well, she was in the Sound of Music Hall.
00:52:58I don't think so.
00:53:00I don't think so.
00:53:01That's only two.
00:53:02There you go.
00:53:03I used to do that.
00:53:04What about this, Jerry?
00:53:06Alex Trebek set a Guinness World Record for most game shows hosted.
00:53:10The previous record holder was, who gives a fuck?
00:53:16He's a game show host.
00:53:18But wouldn't that be fun, being a quiz master?
00:53:20I'd love to.
00:53:21I wish I could host Jeopardy.
00:53:24That'd be so right.
00:53:25Oh, yeah.
00:53:25That'd be fun.
00:53:26That's a good show, Jeopardy.
00:53:27I love that.
00:53:28Yeah.
00:53:28This is what my plan is for Jeopardy, because I watched with my son, right?
00:53:33This is what my plan would be.
00:53:35See if you think this is a good plan.
00:53:36You watch Jeopardy, right?
00:53:38Yeah.
00:53:39And you answer the questions you know and everything like that.
00:53:41But nobody tells you this.
00:53:43Then they play it again for you.
00:53:45And you see if you can answer any more.
00:53:47I bet you couldn't.
00:53:49You don't think you retain any of the...
00:53:51Because you skip by the ones you don't know.
00:53:54I don't know what you're saying.
00:53:55I'm saying, let's say they showed you Jeopardy once, right?
00:53:58Yeah.
00:53:59So you would get 20 of the 40 answers, maybe.
00:54:02Then they play it again.
00:54:03Do you think you would get all 40?
00:54:05Yeah.
00:54:06Yeah, probably because, you know, it has time to settle in.
00:54:09So you think you would remember them?
00:54:11No, I think you'd get more, probably, if you're watching it again.
00:54:14Yeah.
00:54:15I like in Jeopardy where the clue, the question,
00:54:21there's a clue within the question that helps you along.
00:54:24You know what I mean?
00:54:25There is.
00:54:26Like they'll go, this guy who starred with Audrey Meadows
00:54:31in The Honeymooners was once a pool player or something, you know?
00:54:37Like the pool player has nothing to do with it.
00:54:40You mean they give easy cues?
00:54:42Yeah.
00:54:43I don't know what I'm saying.
00:54:45I think it's hard.
00:54:46That show's hard.
00:54:47It's hard as hell.
00:54:47You've got to be smarter than hell to go on there.
00:54:48You know, when the categories come up, they go,
00:54:50oh, I have a chance at that one.
00:54:51Oh, and then there's operas.
00:54:53Opera?
00:54:53Oh, fucking shit.
00:54:55Or classical music.
00:54:57Do you know that?
00:54:57No.
00:54:58Oh, God damn.
00:54:59I don't know anything except for it was about snack foods.
00:55:03I fell on that.
00:55:05Those are hard questions, though.
00:55:07Oh, yeah.
00:55:08And you don't have much time.
00:55:09And then you have to, you can see the other guys know the answers,
00:55:12but they're not good with their thumbs.
00:55:15You know, because they're all hitting their thing.
00:55:17But actually, somehow, one guy always gets in first.
00:55:20What about that one Mormon guy that won, like, two million?
00:55:23Was that Ken Jennings?
00:55:24Ken Jennings?
00:55:25Was he Mormon?
00:55:26Yeah.
00:55:26Yeah, from Utah.
00:55:28Wow.
00:55:28He was like a idiot savant.
00:55:31You know, Brian Regan plays Salt Lake City,
00:55:35and he does it for a month straight.
00:55:37He does?
00:55:38That makes sense.
00:55:38They love him.
00:55:40He's one of the few that's just that good.
00:55:42He's just so clean.
00:55:42He works so clean.
00:55:43Yeah, perfectly clean.
00:55:45He's hilarious, too.
00:55:46That's tough, to be that good and clean.
00:55:49And clean, yeah.
00:55:49It's impossible.
00:55:50That's so impressive.
00:55:51I'm impressed with clean comics.
00:55:53Me, too.
00:55:54Way more impressed than anyone that's superior as a dirty.
00:55:57It seems like a crush a lot of times.
00:55:59I like dirty ones, too.
00:56:01I like real ones.
00:56:01It's a real meeting of the mind.
00:56:07And what about this one, Rose?
00:56:13Oh, my God.
00:56:14Three children were...
00:56:15Is this like a news story?
00:56:18Yes, because the Civil War reenactments are very big this month.
00:56:22Three children were injured when a cannon exploded during a Civil War reenactment.
00:56:27To keep things authentic, the children had their limbs sawed off with a rusty hat saw.
00:56:32I don't think that was right.
00:56:34That's not good.
00:56:36What about, do you believe that Jeffrey Dahmer should have been broomstick raped to death?
00:56:41Oh, my God, Norm.
00:56:42Well, he was killed.
00:56:44That's how he died.
00:56:45That's how he died?
00:56:46Oh, I didn't know it was like that way.
00:56:48No, no, no.
00:56:48I mean, the country didn't do it.
00:56:53No, no.
00:56:53No, I didn't know he died like that.
00:56:55I thought that just...
00:56:56I have no problem with that.
00:56:57Cut his head off or something.
00:56:58Oh, yeah.
00:56:59Why not?
00:56:59You have no problem with that?
00:57:00No.
00:57:01He's trying to be a tough guy.
00:57:03Mr. Tough Guy.
00:57:03I think he should have been killed by the state.
00:57:06Yeah, that's what I believe.
00:57:07Before, you know...
00:57:07Not by other prisoners.
00:57:09Don't leave it up to them.
00:57:10They've got enough problems.
00:57:11Yeah.
00:57:11Well, I feel like you...
00:57:12Lethal and Jackson, for what you did, I like that beheading.
00:57:17I think that's the fastest, quickest...
00:57:19It's painless.
00:57:19Why don't they do that?
00:57:20I know.
00:57:21Who the hell thought of an electric chair?
00:57:23Who thought that was a good idea?
00:57:24I don't know.
00:57:25Well, get a chair...
00:57:26It's medieval.
00:57:27...make it hot.
00:57:28Make it electric.
00:57:29Make it so hot that the person will start bubbling inside from heat.
00:57:34That's not good.
00:57:35And then their head's exploding.
00:57:36It always takes an hour, and it doesn't work, and they go, can you sit over here for a while?
00:57:41We have to fix the chair.
00:57:43I think they should be head people.
00:57:45As you know, I've said that many times.
00:57:46I did not know that, but I love that idea.
00:57:48And so, it's just quick.
00:57:48Why'd they stop that?
00:57:50It's quick.
00:57:50Why'd they stop that, Rosanne?
00:57:52It's painless.
00:57:53Do they do it in any country?
00:57:55I think they do it in, you know, the kind of...
00:57:59Middle East?
00:58:01Yeah.
00:58:01No.
00:58:02You know how they do it in Russia?
00:58:04They'll go up, a guy will be sleeping, and he's asleep.
00:58:08Uh-huh.
00:58:08Guy walks up and shoots him in the back of the head.
00:58:10Oh, that seems way better than anything.
00:58:12That's good.
00:58:12Yeah, that's the best.
00:58:13That's not bad.
00:58:13You wouldn't even know, you know, it's coming.
00:58:15No, no, it's coming, and it only costs you a bullet.
00:58:19That's how I want to go.
00:58:21On top of a...
00:58:22That's how I'd like you to go, too.
00:58:24Don't worry, I meant Applebee's.
00:58:25I just like to go in my sleep.
00:58:25You want to split on a fucking handgun?
00:58:29I just want to go in my sleep when I'm old and having a nice dream or something, you know.
00:58:35Yeah.
00:58:35Where are you going to go?
00:58:36To die, to go with the Lord.
00:58:40You believe in the Lord?
00:58:44I do.
00:58:45You do?
00:58:45Are you religious?
00:58:47I believe in God.
00:58:48I do, too.
00:58:49That's as far as I go.
00:58:50Yeah, me, too.
00:58:51And I don't need your buddy Bill Meyer telling me I'm an idiot.
00:58:56I don't like when atheists say all that shit.
00:58:58It pisses me off, too.
00:58:59I'm glad you said that.
00:59:00Yeah, they don't know shit, either.
00:59:01I don't want you to shut your fucking mouth.
00:59:03Yeah.
00:59:03Who asked you?
00:59:04They do the same thing that they have a problem with everyone else.
00:59:06You know, they always say, well, don't push your beliefs on me, but they do the same.
00:59:09I'll just shut up.
00:59:11It's just, we're going to, the guy says what you just said, but way less eloquent.
00:59:18That's all it's funny.
00:59:19I don't know how to say that.
00:59:19That's kind of my thing, you know.
00:59:20I don't think I was too old.
00:59:22You're articulate.
00:59:23I don't think I am.
00:59:24Okay.
00:59:24I'm going to give you now, to end the show.
00:59:26All right.
00:59:27Thank you very much for being here with me.
00:59:28That was fun.
00:59:29Can I kiss you?
00:59:30Of course.
00:59:32Oh.
00:59:33Oh.
00:59:34That's sweet.
00:59:36Oh.
00:59:37Sweet.
00:59:39I'm glad I had a suit.
00:59:40Everybody asked me on this show, when are you going to get a woman?
00:59:43I said, I'm not going to get a woman before I get Roseanne.
00:59:45I'll fucking tell you that.
00:59:47So this is a political joke.
00:59:49Okay.
00:59:49I hate political jokes, but this is my idea of a very good political joke.
00:59:55And I'm reading it?
00:59:56Yep.
00:59:56It's about President Obama.
00:59:58What do you think of him?
00:59:59It's a little negative on him, this one.
01:00:02President Obama, in a speech this past week, said that we should solve the B problem.
01:00:07The B problem.
01:00:10Oh, God.
01:00:10We elected a guy who sympathizes with bees?
01:00:14Jesus Christ.
01:00:14What have we done?
01:00:17What's wrong with that?
01:00:18I don't get that.
01:00:19I don't get that one at all.
01:00:20I like bees.
01:00:21That's what I'm saying.
01:00:21I grow bees.
01:00:22You do?
01:00:23Yeah.
01:00:23I raise bees.
01:00:24Oh, really?
01:00:24My uncle used to do that.
01:00:25Bees, there wouldn't be a fucking earth if it weren't for bees.
01:00:27Yeah, you go out there with the thing and the smoke.
01:00:30Yeah, I wear the bee suit and all.
01:00:32Yeah, yeah.
01:00:32My uncle did that.
01:00:33And you know, he would make, he would make, if you want to make really nice honey, that's
01:00:42not clover honey, but it's rather, what's the other kind of honey?
01:00:47Blossom honey?
01:00:48No.
01:00:49Mesquite?
01:00:49Huh?
01:00:50Mesquite?
01:00:51Mesquite honey?
01:00:54Buckwheat honey.
01:00:56So what you do is you plant a big field of buckwheat and that's where you put your bees.
01:01:01Here, this is a better Barack Obama joke.
01:01:03And then we'll say goodnight.
01:01:05Okay.
01:01:07Presidential fact.
01:01:08Barack Obama is the first president to ever say the N-word as a term of endearment.
01:01:16That's not how George Washington used it.
01:01:19No, I didn't think it was a term of endearment.
01:01:21No, sir.
01:01:22Roseanne!
01:01:23Hey, thank you.
01:01:24Fantastic.
01:01:25Thank you so much, sweetie.
01:01:26Fun, fun.
01:01:28That was so fun.
01:01:29Thanks for the Xanax.
01:01:30Oh, yeah, take that with you.
01:01:35Thanks for the Xanax.
01:01:36Bye.
01:01:37Bye.
01:01:37Bye.
01:01:37Bye.
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