B.M. 6. The Waldo Moment.

deaddogsdam

First broadcast 25th February 2013.  A failed comedian who voices a popular cartoon bear named Waldo finds himself mixing in politics when TV executives want Waldo to run for office.  Daniel Rigby - Jamie Salter Chloe Pirrie - Gwendolyn Harris Jason Flemyng - Jack Napier Tobias Menzies - Liam Monroe Christina Chong - Tamsin James Lance - Conor Simpson Ed Gaughan - Shaun Kenneth Collard - Jim Michael Shaeffer - Roy Pip Torrens - Philip Crane David Ajala - Jeff Carter James Richard Marshall - Monroe's Campaign Agent Jack Monaghan - Hustings Host Louis Waymouth - Simon Finch Daniel Tatarsky - Returning Officer Michael Webber - MP Selection Committee 1 Abigail Thaw - MP Selection Committee 2 Bruce Mackinnon - MP Selection Committee 3 (as Bruce MacKinnon) Amber Anderson - Sara James Howard - Reporter Charlotte Longfield - Shopper Sarah Hoare - Woman with Pushchair Shawn Aldin-Burnett - Passer-by Marco Flammer - Biohazard Agent Robby D Haynes - Waldo App Man Chonradee Kulthap - Laugher Teresa Mahoney - Floor Manager Stuart Matthews - Crowd Member Mia Mills - Audience Member Angus Powell - College Lecturer Mick Slaney - Film Crew Peter Theobalds - TV Crew

Transcript

00:00You

00:19They're ready for you now

00:24Gwendolyn Harris, we've met

00:26Oh, but you don't know the others

00:28No, but I'm familiar with you

00:31Why do you want to be an MP?

00:33Because I'm not satisfied with the way things are

00:36And rather than sit back and moan

00:37I prefer to do something about it

00:40Go again from the top

00:41Okay, I don't know why anyone's surprised

00:43The world's number one teen idol

00:45Has become a Scientologist

00:46Speed up the autocue, please

00:47Pop stars do believe in weird things

00:50Abba believes in angels

00:52R. Kelly believes he could fly

00:53I guess I'd show you this

00:55This happened just now

00:56Gladwell

00:58Shame Tory Jason Gladwell resigns

01:00Capitals over Twitter porn pic scandal

01:03Oh, so he wasn't hacked after all

01:05Originally he claimed his account had been hacked

01:07Resignation statement admits

01:08Inappropriate correspondence with a 15-year-old girl

01:11What, so tweeting dick photos as correspondence now, is it?

01:14Departure triggers a by-election

01:16In his Centenford and Hersham constituency

01:17Well, you get to use the Gladwell stuff

01:21Bump it all up to the top of the monologue

01:22Anyone seen Jamie?

01:30Rach?

01:31You really shouldn't be calling me anymore

01:34You need to sort yourself out

01:36I am

01:37Focus on Waldo, that's going well for you

01:40But it's not...

01:41He's a hit, Jamie

01:42He? Not me, he

01:45Just do your show

01:47I will

01:48I mean, hon, if you'd just...

01:50Jamie?

01:53Jamie, hurry up

01:56What do you know about Stentonford and Hersham?

01:58Safe Tory seat

01:59So, realistically, I know there's not much of a chance, but...

02:03So it's a stepping stone for you

02:06Yes

02:09Obviously, I wouldn't say that outside of this room, but...

02:12Well, you want me to be honest?

02:14There's no point in pretending

02:15Is there anything in your past that might conceivably cause problems?

02:20No

02:24Except...

02:25I did commit a series of murders in Huddersfield between 99 and 2003

02:30But apart from that

02:36Well, thank you, Gwendolyn

02:38If you could leave via that door

02:40Oh, that door

02:42We like to keep the candidates separate

02:45Right

02:45Yes

02:58Idiot

03:00Idiot

03:02Shane's super groomer

03:04And all-round pillock of the community

03:06Jason Gladwell

03:07Has resigned as an MP

03:08Saying he could no longer maintain his position

03:12That position, presumably being hunched over

03:15Wanking madly at school kids

03:18You ready?

03:20Uh-huh

03:20The girl wasn't

03:23That's the sort of feeble excuse only a naive school kid could swallow

03:27Which, presumably, was the idea

03:30Anyway, the bad news is he's resigned in disgrace

03:33The good news is he's now free to pursue a full-time career

03:37In the disgraced paedophile industry

03:40Personally, I don't understand why anyone's surprised

03:43Um, small change to the intro

03:46What?

03:46Nothing huge, just kind of wanted the jacko gag for the monologue, so

03:49That was my bit

03:49There's a chance of stuff you could use that

03:51Bit politics

03:52You could do politics

03:53I do piss-taking

03:55Dope, you want, though?

03:56Yes, Commander

04:02Big bald blue bear bollocks

04:04And now it's time for our final visit to the world of educational children's programming

04:08Courtesy of everyone's favourite and only occasionally inappropriate cool kids TV character

04:14Walder

04:18Whose mum's in tonight, apparently

04:21Walder, who have you had in your cave this week?

04:23Well, Connor, in my big pink cave this week

04:26I had former Minister for Culture, Liam Munro

04:29Ah, but he's quite handsome, isn't he?

04:31I was hoping he'd nosh me off

04:33Want to see how it panned out?

04:35I think we should

04:37Run VT

04:51Hey, everybody

04:53It's Waldo time

04:54Yeah

04:56Cool

04:57Cool

04:59Waldo-rific

05:02Hey, kids

05:03My guest this week is Mr. Munro

05:05Hello, Mr. Munro

05:08Hello, Waldo

05:08Mr. Munro is a politician

05:11Po-li-ti-tian

05:15So, what is a politician, Mr. Munro?

05:19Well, a politician is someone who tries to make the world a fairer place

05:23Like Batman?

05:25Not exactly like Batman

05:27Do you beat people up?

05:28No, I don't beat people up

05:30Are you a pussy, then?

05:33Well, I'm not sure I know exactly what you...

05:35You don't know what pussy is

05:40Okay, this is clearly some kind of joke

05:43No joke

05:44Sorry, let's move on

05:46Friends again?

05:56Oh, well, I'll have a great shot

05:58Good, yeah

05:58Well done

05:59Pretty good

06:00So, um, we'll bring him out

06:01You go

06:02Yeah, I'll explain about

06:03Now, I think it's good

06:17He's from the channel

06:18Go on

06:19This is honestly what

06:20All I'm saying

06:21What I'm saying is

06:23He's a terrific guy

06:24Jim

06:25Jamie

06:26Jim

06:26How do you do?

06:27Jim

06:27Jack

06:28James

06:28Jamie

06:30Uh, Jim was just talking about Waldo

06:32Yeah

06:32Liam Munro has lodged a complaint

06:36Toys out of the pram

06:36And that's...

06:38Good press

06:40It's so tough to get a breakthrough these days

06:42But when it does

06:43Well, it's just fantastic

06:44It's fantastic the way Waldo puts the piss up Munro

06:47You know, all those twats

06:49It's punk

06:50It's...

06:51Clark?

06:52Excuse me

06:53Yeah

06:55Well, Twitter can't get enough of Waldo

06:57Loves him

06:59Look, I know this, um

07:00The show's coming back again next year

07:02But, uh

07:03We want to see more of Waldo

07:07They want to see a pilot

07:08A Waldo pilot?

07:09Yeah

07:10I mean, how does that sound?

07:12Yeah

07:13Sounds good

07:14Sounds stormy Norman

07:15Fucking stormy

07:17I'm gonna give it to him

07:39Yeah, but look

07:39We can't do sketches without Waldo

07:41It's a Waldo pilot

07:42It's a Waldo show

07:43It's gotta be Waldo, Waldo, Waldo

07:45Realistically, there isn't the budget for other animations

07:47I mean live action

07:48Other characters I can do

07:49What about the Brown Knight?

07:51What?

07:51The crap crusader?

07:53We can look into the Brown Knight

07:54But right now

07:55Let's find more Waldo ideas

07:59The problem is

08:00Any guests we book

08:02Will be in on it

08:02They know that Waldo's a joke

08:04The surprise is gone

08:05So we think round that

08:06Hey boys and girls

08:08It's Waldo time

08:10Yeah

08:13He's awesome, isn't he?

08:15I mean, look

08:15Hey boys

08:16Sod nailing light

08:17You're an app now, my brother

08:19Yeah

08:20All right, sir

08:22How's the think tanking going?

08:23Good shit?

08:24Um, yeah

08:24Yeah, we're making headway

08:26Good

08:27See our friend Munro's in the news again

08:29Running in the Stentford by-election

08:32We should get Waldo down there

08:35That's not a bad idea, actually

08:36We get a van, right

08:38With a screen

08:39With the image of Waldo on the side

08:41Like it

08:41And then when Munro's doing a meet and greet

08:44We just turn up

08:44And just get under his skin

08:46I love that

08:46I love it

08:47You've done Munro

08:47But it was a great bit

08:49I'm not dumb or clever enough to be political

08:51Why don't we get Waldo

08:53To stand for the by-election

08:55Get people to vote for him

08:56He's not real

08:57But people have stood as fictional characters before

09:00Do you think Screaming Lord Such was his real name?

09:02We just put commonly known as on the ballot

09:04No one's actually going to vote for him

09:06That's not the point

09:06The point is

09:07We get to hang around

09:08We're there for the count

09:10Well, go on then, Sarah

09:11Whack it up there

09:28He's with a mum and baby group

09:31Okay, going live in five, four, three, two

09:36Thank you so much for joining me this morning

09:37It's been incredibly informative

09:38And I think we should have a little round of applause for the children

09:42It's fantastic

09:44Thank you, Naomi

09:47Thank you for your time

09:51Hey

09:53Hey, it's me, Waldo

09:55Oh, I like your trainers, man

09:57I'd wear trainers myself

09:59But I can't

10:00Because I haven't got feet

10:00I've only got stumps

10:02He's out

10:03Hey, Mr. Munro

10:05Mr. Munro, hey

10:06Did you get off with any of the mums?

10:09Where'd you look like they were breastfeeding?

10:10They got big milky tits, Mr. Munro

10:13He said it

10:14Mr. Munro, don't walk away from me

10:16Hey, I'm feeling snubbed

10:18Hey, don't ignore me

10:20Don't just get in your car

10:21It's a death trap anyway

10:23Look at it

10:24Let's find out what we can about the idiot inside that thing

10:26Sure

10:28Mr. Munro, hey

10:34Right, you've got a choice of styles

10:37So just choose one from there

10:38Then you put your name in there

10:42He's like Bloody Moon Pig

10:45Don't knock the free mail out

10:49But Liam Munro doesn't use some Fisher-Price leaflet app

10:52He doesn't have to

10:59Day one of the campaign in Stentonford and Hersham

11:02And Tory hopeful Liam Munro hits the ground running

11:05The licence fee is something that's very close to

11:07Mr. Munro, I suspect

11:08Look at me, Mr. Munro

11:10Please, hey, over here

11:11Hey, over here

11:13Look over here, Mr. Munro

11:14Look over here

11:15The Conservative Party have been arguing for a reduction in the licence fee

11:20Good morning, everybody

11:21Why are you ignoring me, Mr. Munro?

11:24Thank you, Bob

11:24Why are you ignoring me, Mr. Munro?

11:27Mr. Munro, why are you ignoring me?

11:30Mum with the pushchair, drag her into it

11:32Hey, you, mum with the pushchair

11:33Yeah, yeah, you

11:35Ask Mr. Munro why he's ignoring me

11:37Why are you ignoring Waldo?

11:40Mr. Munro, what's Waldo done to you?

11:43We should probably just shift before this time

11:46Stupid

11:48I'm not walking away from a cartoon

11:52I'm, er, I'm not ignoring you

11:53Yeah, you were

11:55You upset me

11:56You made Waldo sad

12:03Well, obviously, I'm, I'm, I'm absolutely devastated that you're upset

12:11Let him get a word in

12:16I'm, I'm not ignoring you because there is no you

12:18You are an image voiced by a comedian

12:21An alleged comedian, more accurately

12:23If I'm not real, why are you talking to him?

12:26And by him, I mean me, nobber

12:30Well, there's no point in attempting to converse with a cartoon

12:33Ooh, converse, your lordship

12:35Thy flowery language doth give me a right throbbing bone on

12:50Finished

12:58Drink

13:00I've got emails

13:08You know, that's Gwendolyn Harris

13:11The Labour candidate

13:14Did you read my background, Doc?

13:16Yes

13:19Why don't you read it tonight

13:20Alone

13:31I'll swing by about nine, so have your breakfast first

13:34Yeah, are you my dad?

13:37Apparently not

13:38See you tomorrow

13:54Someone's bold, do I know you?

13:55Nice way to greet a voter

13:58Oh, sorry, I thought you were...

14:00Actually, I'm more of a rival

14:02Hey, Mr. Munro

14:03Mr. Munro, why are you ignoring me, Mr. Munro?

14:06You're good at that

14:07Because I am that

14:08Well, you're that thing

14:10Waldo's not a thing

14:12He's a bear

14:13Well, Liam Munro calls him worse

14:16Nice work there, by the way

14:17Yeah, well, it's dick jokes at his expense, basically

14:21Another one?

14:22Okay, one

14:27The way you describe it, it's like you're doing this for a show reel

14:31No

14:31Like this place is the equivalent of a walk-on in a sketch show

14:35But your party leader has to show up because it's a mid-thing

14:38Mid-term bad action

14:39Terminology tits

14:40You are 12

14:41So, because leader balls is there, suddenly it's walk-on in a Ricky Gervais sketch show

14:47So it's good exposure

14:48You're not going to win, you know you're not going to win

14:49Oh, come on

14:50You're not going to win, though

14:53Of course not

14:53So, why not be honest?

14:55Say, you assos aren't going to vote for me, so here's what I think anyway

14:58It doesn't work like that

14:59Nothing does, that's why everything's bollocksed

15:01No, you're angry for someone who's doing well

15:05I'm the voice of a blue bear

15:09If that's doing well, then we are doomed

15:11I can't see

15:16Hang on, there's a thing

15:22Have you had a fox in here, or do you live like a 14-year-old?

15:30Well, don't get too excited, I'm not sleeping in it

15:32Shit, really?

15:49You're amazing

15:51Sorry?

15:52You're amazing

15:53Thank you

16:19What's up?

16:21Nothing

16:22Are you sure?

16:28It's just

16:33I haven't been happy

16:35In a while

16:39And this is good

16:40You know

16:52Can I

16:54Have your number?

17:00Yes

17:19Where's our mark this morning?

17:20We're out on the road

17:21Oh

17:22Bien sûr

17:29Hello

17:29I'm Mr. Monroe

17:32Look for me

17:33And keep things shitty

17:58Vote, Waldo

18:00Vote, Waldo

18:02Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo!

18:08You all right, strong Tory?

18:10I warned you.

18:11You know you're on one row turf and they live so far apart.

18:16I'm voting Waldo!

18:22I met Waldo last night.

18:24Jamie, the guy who plays him. He's fun.

18:27Fun?

18:28Mm-hm.

18:32Did you tell him anything about our campaign?

18:34Not really.

18:36Not really or no?

18:39Er, not really.

18:41No, he's okay.

18:42He's a comedian. He's mocking Monroe now, it'll be you next.

18:48His act is all F this and penis jokes.

18:52But...

18:53Don't see him again.

19:01OK, job done to the hosting tomorrow.

19:05Some media students doing a question time type thing.

19:08They've asked Waldo to join the panel.

19:10Oh, come on, it's my nightmare going on question time.

19:13It's students, you're all care.

19:14I can't answer serious questions.

19:16No one wants you to.

19:18You're the comic relief. Lighten up.

19:31OK.

19:32Just have a look.

19:33I'm sure you'll find lots in there.

19:35OK.

19:36OK.

19:38Er, are there any particular issues that you're concerned about at all?

19:41OK.

19:58Hey.

19:59Oh, hi.

20:00I thought we were going to...

20:01Sorry, I've had a tough day.

20:03Right.

20:03Not even one?

20:04Sorry.

20:05Well, what about tomorrow?

20:08Look, I can't.

20:09When this is happening, I can't see you.

20:11What do you mean?

20:11Sorry.

20:24Do they think that looks like question time?

20:27Yeah, it looks politics-y.

20:31Check the host, Jill Bate Dimbleby.

20:41When it comes to addiction and addicts, we should sympathise, but we shouldn't patronise.

20:47You know, serious drug use is a criminal offence that is committed voluntarily and for pleasure.

20:54I'm sorry, these are the facts.

20:57Waldo, what do you think?

20:58Mr Munro, are you addicted?

21:00No.

21:01Sorry, I mean, are you addicted?

21:06I think we have to ask ourselves, I think we have to ask ourselves, what is this for?

21:11And why do we waste our time with animated trivialities like him?

21:16I mean, why?

21:18Why?

21:19I mean, why?

21:20I mean, why?

21:21I mean, why?

21:22I mean, why?

21:31We're scared to engage, who hides behind a children's cartoon.

21:34Who you calling a kiddie to, fool?

21:37I'm speaking about James Salter.

21:42Hmm?

21:44It's your name, isn't it?

21:47James Salter.

21:48Salter. This is the man who's behind all this. He's 33 years old, a man whose career can

21:56be summed up surprisingly quickly. You were in a sketch troupe that enjoyed a minor success

22:01about six years ago, and the others moved on to better things. But your main achievement

22:05seems to have been playing the part of a corn on the cob in a high-interest personal loan

22:11commercial. I notice you keep that pretty quiet. And now, of course, operating this sort

22:17of teddy bear thing, which, by the way, is easier than it looks. Anyone could do it.

22:21See, this is the thing. It's easy what he does. He mocks. And when he can't think of an authentic

22:31joke, which is actually quite often, he just swears. I think that this puppet's inclusion

22:38on this panel debases the process of debate and smothers any meaningful discussion of the

22:43issues. So I return to my original question. Is that really what this is for? He has nothing

22:49to offer, and he has nothing to say. Prove me wrong. Hmm? Speak, Waldo. Please. Come on, speak

23:03up. Yeah, you see? Nothing. Oh, go fuck yourself. It's more swearing. You're a joke. You look

23:12less human than I do, and I'm a made-up bear with a turquoise cock. What are you? You're

23:20just an old attitude with new hair, assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you

23:25seriously. No-one takes you seriously. That's why no-one votes. The vast majority do that.

23:30It's bullshit. Surely this is enough? You think you deserve respect. Well, just common

23:34courtesy. Because you went to public school and grew up believing you're entitled to

23:37everything. Perhaps we could get back. Ad-common nonsense. Gwendolyn Harris, we...

23:41Something's got to change. No-one trusts you lot, because they know you don't give a shit

23:45about anything outside your bubble. What about your mate Gladwell, the kiddie flasher? You knew

23:49him for 20 years. Did you not know what he was like? No, of course not. Yeah, because

23:54you're all just front like him, sly and pretending, and in that way, you're all the same. Gwendolyn

24:01Harris, is all of politics a waste of time? Well, of course, I think no. Oh, shut up.

24:08You're worse. Seriously. She's faker than him. For once, I find myself agreeing with

24:14Liam Monroe, and that this really doesn't get us anywhere. Are you going to leave? And

24:17there isn't much point in us continuing. Why are you here? Tell them why you're here.

24:20If we can't have anything resembling... Tell them why you're here. Tell them why you're

24:23here. Tell them why you're here. It's a...

24:26She's here to build a show reel. I'm not kidding. That's literally it. No, she's not

24:32going to win. This is all experience, to get herself on telly. She actually gives less

24:36of a shit about anyone around here than he does, because he'll actually have to represent

24:39you. Am I wrong? A career politician. Someone else less real than me, and I can do this.

24:49Can I just make a couple of... Oh, shut up. You pebble. What is this for? That's what

24:56you wanted to know, Mr. Monroe. And the truth is, none of us know anymore, thanks to you.

25:00What are you for? What are you for? Thank you, and good night.

25:30What are you for?

25:56Jamie? Jamie? Jack's here. He wants to see us.

26:06You can't avoid it. Get dressed. Your meet is outside.

26:30And yet, accusations of morbidity aside, it's clearly tapped a nerve. In just three days,

26:37Waldo has gone viral. The video of his clash has already been viewed over a million times

26:42on YouTube. There are Facebook groups calling on Waldo to form a national party.

26:48You're a junk. You look less human than I do, and I have a main affair with a turquoise

26:52. What are you? You're just an old attitude with new hair, assuming you're my superior

26:58because I'm not taking you seriously. No-one takes you f***ing seriously.

27:12Oh, look. Here he is, the man of the moment. How does it feel to be a phenomenon?

27:18Shittifying. You are everywhere, my son. Twitter, the news. Have you seen the poll?

27:22You're in third place, mate. You overtook that Lib Dem prick.

27:26Yeah, well, he's a glass of water. This is an opportunity, Jamie.

27:28He knows my name now. We could really do something here. You know, everyone's pissed with the status quo,

27:35and Waldo gives that a voice. Waldo's a bear. A blue bear.

27:39Tell him, Tams. We've been asked on consensus. It's a ten-minute one-to-one interview with Philip Crane.

27:47Pitbull Crane. Big guns for big guns.

27:49Hello. I'm not a politician, okay? I don't want to be a politician.

27:52We know that you hate politics. I don't hate them. I'm just not interested in them.

27:55You don't need to be interested in them. You just need to be Waldo.

28:00And when Crane asks something tricky and I look stupid because I don't know how to answer?

28:04You'll know the answer. Because you have a producer.

28:09Look, I can tell you what to say. I can live Google any facts, give you stats, quotes, whatever else

28:14you need.

28:15So you've got a safety net for the concrete stuff. And the rest is Waldo. You can do that in

28:19your sleep.

28:20You'll piss all over, Crane. He'll know there's a team around me. He'll see it.

28:24Yeah, good. I hope he does. I hope he points a camera at it.

28:26All the other MPs have got teams. We're just more honest about it.

28:30Now, come on. What do you say?

28:36Jamie! Jamie!

28:37Why would I want to do this?

28:38Look, the world is knackered and you can do something about it.

28:41I don't know what you're on about.

28:43Waldo has got the attention of the young.

28:44And the young don't give a shit about anything except trainers and pirating films.

28:49Do you have any other astounding theories about young people?

28:51Yeah. Yeah, I do actually. Look, they care about Waldo. They'll vote for Waldo. The video was a hit for

28:58a reason.

28:58The video's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed by it. I was lashing out. I wasn't even articulate.

29:02It doesn't matter.

29:03Or funny, which is almost worse.

29:04We can build on that.

29:06Waldo's not real.

29:06Exactly. That's what you said that really hit home.

29:10He's not real, but he's realer than all the others.

29:12He doesn't stand for anything.

29:14Yeah, well, at least he doesn't pretend to.

29:16Look, we don't need politicians.

29:19We've all got iPhones and computers, right?

29:21So any decision that has to be made, any policy, we just put it online.

29:25Let the people vote. Thumbs up, thumbs down. The majority wins.

29:28That's a democracy. That's an actual democracy.

29:32So is YouTube. And I don't know if you've seen it, but the most popular video is a dog farting

29:37the theme tune to Happy Days.

29:41Well, today, it's Waldo.

29:43No, it's still the dog.

29:46Listen, can you imagine all the things we can change if we fucked the politicians out of the equation?

29:50I've said what I've said and now I'm shutting this door.

29:57Do you know who owns Waldo?

29:59I do. I own the rights.

30:04He's my character.

30:06Yeah. Written for my show.

30:08You're too frightened to take to the next level? Fine. I understand.

30:12But also, fuck off and watch me fly.

30:18You own Waldo. You can't be Waldo.

30:22Hey, Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. What's happening?

30:27Pretty close, I'd say.

30:34What's happening?

30:36Waldo-rific. Yay. Yay.

30:39Why is he going off left again? Why is he doing...

30:42I know. I've got my...

30:43I've got that. In there. Okay.

30:46That's not how that works.

30:56First tonight, a figure, or more accurately, a character, who's been causing an upset in the Stentonford by-election.

31:04Unlike the other candidates, he has no party affiliation. He doesn't even have a surname.

31:09He is Waldo. A few weeks ago, just a cult character in a comedy show. Today, an official mascot for

31:17protest voters.

31:18Vote Waldo!

31:19Cartoons don't play by the rules, and Waldo's open disdain for his opponents has clearly struck a chord.

31:25Ha, ha, ha, ha.

31:28Waldo, as a mascot for the disenfranchised, aren't you ultimately neutralising seriously effective dissent?

31:34Can I have subtitles for Mr. Crane, please?

31:36By encouraging people not to care, you're actively dangerous.

31:40Dangerous? You think the public can't be trusted?

31:43No.

31:43Isn't that basically you calling them twats?

31:45Uh, no, I...

31:45Bellends, then.

31:46Did you actually come here for a discussion?

31:48You're snooty for a glorified Punch and Judy man, Phil.

31:51You know you're going to get your best ratings in months because I'm here.

31:54To even get close to the figures I'm going to pull in for you tonight,

31:57you'd have to fuck a prawn sandwich live on air.

32:00Make a nice prawn cocktail for me.

32:02Can we make a serious political point, that is?

32:03I've got one big blue point to make, Phil.

32:05Oh, God.

32:05Would you like to have a look at it?

32:07Great work tonight.

32:09Look at this, look at this.

32:10It's the Waldo polling app.

32:12Now, this can pinpoint you with GPS so that when you're at a polling station,

32:15it unlocks loads of free shit.

32:16Look.

32:17Thanks for voting, dickhead.

32:19Thanks for voting, dickhead.

32:21It's good, isn't it?

32:22Who's this guy want me to?

32:23I don't know.

32:24He's from Washington and he's got my restricted number.

32:31Jeff Carter, from the agency.

32:33Hey.

32:34Hey, and I'll leap right in.

32:36I think what you're doing with Waldo is fascinating.

32:38From the agency?

32:39Yeah.

32:40Listen, Waldo may be the perfect political figurehead.

32:43Waldo the bear.

32:44The bear people like.

32:46The fact he's a bear is an assist.

32:48An assist?

32:48It helps.

32:49Right.

32:50You look at human politicians, you're instinctively like, brr, uncanny, right?

32:54Like the girls on porn.

32:55You just know something's wrong, because why else are they doing it?

32:58It's usually daddy issues, eh?

32:59Just like politics, Waldo bypasses that.

33:02You already know he's not real, so no personal flaws.

33:04I'm a person.

33:06With respect, Waldo's more than you.

33:08He's a team.

33:09Yeah.

33:09And you're open about that, which is fantastic.

33:11The honesty thing works.

33:13Waldo is a construct.

33:14People not just accept, but embrace.

33:17At the moment, he's anti-politics, which is a political stance in itself, right?

33:22But he could deliver any brand of political content,

33:25minus the potential downsides of a human messenger.

33:28In a debate, your team could Google every word the other guy says,

33:32then let Waldo hit him with debunk stats and spit a Twitter-ready zinger in the next sentence.

33:37He's the perfect assassin.

33:40We won't win, though.

33:45You guys are so British.

33:47No, of course you won't win.

33:49You started out too coarse off the bat.

33:51There's no substantial basis to what you offer.

33:53And the whole nihilist democracy sucks thing, yeah, it's kind of wackadoo.

33:59But with a targeted hopeful message, which we, of course, can provide,

34:04energizing the disenfranchised without spook in the middle via your new platform,

34:08you got a global political entertainment product people actually want.

34:15You could roll this out worldwide.

34:17Like Pringles?

34:19Absolutely.

34:25It's, uh, it's interesting stuff, though.

34:29When you're done with Stenton for it, there may be an opportunity in South America.

34:32You can speak Spanish?

34:35I've lived in Madrid.

34:36Three years.

34:37Excellent.

34:43What?

35:00He's not coming.

35:02But he's the party leader.

35:04It's too toxic.

35:09Meanwhile, as support for Gwendolyn Harris appears to be dwindling,

35:13Labour denies the party is losing faith in their young candidate.

35:17But Miss Harris spent most of the day locked in crisis talks at party head...

35:24In Stenton for by-election, Waldo Cartoon Bear continues to...

35:30Did you see Gwendolyn Harris yesterday?

35:32She looks like she's been poisoned.

35:34Because he's going to overtake her.

35:37Whistle Warehead.

35:38If that thing is the main opposition, then the whole system looks absurd.

35:44Which it may well be.

35:47But it built these roads.

35:56Just come in, Roy.

36:05I'm sorry, okay?

36:08It was wrong to speak to you like that, and...

36:10After the campaign, I would have called you.

36:14After the campaign.

36:16All you've done is strengthen Monroe.

36:19You won't win either, but I was at least attempting to represent...

36:23Well, I don't know, not just bollocks to everything.

36:26If you were preaching revolution, well, that would be something.

36:29But you're not, because that would require courage and a mindset.

36:33And what have you got?

36:36Who are you?

36:39What are you for?

36:47Morning.

36:58So, Arnold Push.

37:00You remind everyone that's got the app that they recommend it to a friend that unlocks a little fez for

37:04Waldo.

37:06We're here.

37:10Attention, shoppers.

37:11I'm here to ask you an important favor.

37:15Gather round.

37:16Come over here and listen.

37:20Don't vote for me.

37:21I'm an insult.

37:23Seriously.

37:24Vote for Monroe, or Harris, or, I don't know, UKIP, or even that Lib Dem guy.

37:30He's a prick.

37:31Seriously, only an arsehole would actually vote for me.

37:35What is this irony?

37:36I'm worse than a wasted vote.

37:38He's from the Harris campaign.

37:39I mean it, you idiots.

37:41Don't vote for me.

37:42Don't vote for me.

37:43Don't vote for me.

37:44Don't vote for me.

37:49Shut up.

37:50No!

37:51Don't boo him.

37:52He's right.

37:53What are you doing?

37:54Resigning.

37:55Jamie!

37:58Look, it's me.

37:59I'm Waldo.

38:00This guy, whoever this guy is, he's a hero.

38:02You should throw stuff at Waldo.

38:04He's bad bloody news.

38:05He's funny.

38:05He's not.

38:06Don't listen to that man.

38:07He's a lesbian.

38:09So remember, the polls are open.

38:11And if you've got my app, you can unlock new stuff

38:14like catchphrases and a little hat and that.

38:16Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me.

38:18So question the status quo.

38:21Kick him where it hurts.

38:23The first man to hit him gets 500 quid.

38:26Yeah, that's right.

38:27Knock him down.

38:28Knock him down.

38:29Smash him.

38:31Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

38:46I, the undersigned, being the returning officer for the Stentenford and Hersham constituency,

38:52hereby give notice that the total number of votes recorded for each candidate at the election

38:56is as follows.

38:58Finch, Simon Arthur, Liberal Democrats, 2,449.

39:07Harris, Gwendolyn Jody, Labour, 11,237.

39:17Munro, Liam George Tennyson, Conservative, 19,161.

39:30Waldo, Independent, 16,784.

39:42Ladies and gentlemen, please.

39:45I declare that Liam Munro is duly elected Member of Parliament for the constituency.

39:50Hey, hey, everyone, 500 quid to anyone who can lob a shoe.

40:26Up you get, come on.

40:29Come on.

40:38Come on.

40:40There you go.

41:05Good morning.

41:11Goodbye.

41:12A lot of schools have built a lot of schools

41:15to bring children in a new hope.

41:19The fighters from the family of Waldo

41:22will end up in the war.

41:24Welcome to Nigeria.

41:42Oh, my God.

Category

Transcript

Comments

Recommended