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FunTranscript
00:01I've got to tell you my tale
00:07Of how I loved and how I felt
00:15I hope you understand
00:19Sorry, we're at clothes for a private function.
00:21Well, tell the mom's staff.
00:22Look, my boyfriend sucks and I need a drink to forget he exists.
00:25That way when I next see him, it will be a nice surprise.
00:28We went to see The Hangover too and afterwards all I said was that men aren't as funny as they
00:31think they are and they kicked off.
00:33Why are men so wet?
00:35Why is it so fucking quiet in here?
00:37You're at a wake.
00:43Fuck.
00:44Wasn't anyone young or important, was it?
00:46Nah, just my dad.
00:49Oh my God.
00:50Oh, Eddie, I am so sorry for your loss.
00:53You know, your dad loved you so much.
00:55Thanks, Auntie Bebs.
00:56He was always so proud of you.
01:00Oh, would you like a...
01:01Double jacking coat, please, babes.
01:03I'll bring it over.
01:04Oh, thank you.
01:08I have crashed your funeral.
01:09I think it's called a wake if there's booze.
01:12You don't happen to have any kind of trap door.
01:14You could open beneath me or...
01:16This isn't going to work.
01:18A highlight to really our friendship isn't going to make everything okay.
01:21I know, I know what's more complicated than...
01:22The fact that the way we met is funny and adorable
01:24doesn't mean that we're supposed to be in each other's lives forever.
01:26I know, Eddie.
01:30Why don't you just sit?
01:36One sec.
01:52It's just a glass.
01:53It's not safe.
01:58Oh, my God.
02:04Is that from when Ryan was in his...
02:05Woo!
02:11Starlet Express, you're up.
02:12I'm going to stay with Jay.
02:14No, Eddie, Jay's...
02:15Jay moved to Arizona to prepare for the apocalypse.
02:21Can I please borrow your phone?
02:22I need to Google free accommodation London.
02:24Well, that is a one-way ticket to sex trafficking,
02:26so I'm going to say no.
02:29You promised me one night I...
02:37I...
02:42I...
02:44I...
02:46I...
02:46I...
02:47I...
02:50I...
02:52I...
03:05of all the old man pubs and all of mid-recession
03:08dalston i walked into yours you realize my dad's wake might not be the hilarious memory that you
03:14think it is i wasn't the one laughing so what i'm gonna do is quietly and respectfully tiptoe out
03:25of here and you never have to see me again i don't think so it would just look weird if
03:29you
03:29leave so quickly oh come on you need to work on your mourner persona are you a relative oh secret
03:34family uh maybe i could be like a a young runaway your dad took in god sorry it's really hard
03:42to
03:42work with the age difference i haven't laughed in so long my face actually hurts
04:02i have always depended on the kindness of strangers
04:07and it's over the adora my glass has been empty for an hour
04:11i wish you'd go around to do top-ups i'm actually at my father's wake in more of a personal
04:16capacity as much as i valued him as an employer but you're welcome to do it or jay no your
04:22brother
04:22needs to get back to work before the u.s markets open and i need to be available for people
04:27eddie i
04:29i'm the widow you divorced him 15 years ago who's this
04:34uh maureen johnson um good friend of the deceased cam cam cam the deceased was his golf nickname camry didn't
04:44play golf
04:45funny he never mentioned an ex-wife not once in all our golf times
04:54brave to go after my mom we've just met are you too close like sisters buffet emergency sorry but we
05:02are headed straight for a sausage roll drought eddie now i can go to the big saints no it wasn't
05:08sausage
05:08rolls no no dad hated sausage rolls he said they looked like flaky dicks it was we are headed
05:13straight for a scotch egg drought eddie now i can go to the big saints well this is maureen maggie
05:20donovan enchanté this is maggie she's a funeral crusher this is my best friend will
05:25ew your best friend is a man oh god aren't you
05:31you have to admit no it felt like we were destined to meet why because you made me laugh
05:35when i was sad whitney always said oh come on she always said use fun as a tool to keep
05:39me captive
05:39well that's insane her point was that you deflect with jokes to avoid the real shit i don't avoid
05:45the real shit eddie i can't just learned that having a sense of humor about that kind of stuff
05:50is sort of crucial for survival sitting in the misery won't make the misery go away
05:56i know i might not be your classic version of support sister but i do support you
06:01like when you first took over wet mouth is that a new nickname it's gross it's what you should
06:06rename the pod no one wants to get fucked up in the red lion lions are orange i haven't decided
06:16yet
06:16like i'd have to leave law school eddie anyone can be a lawyer but not everyone gets to run a
06:20cool bar
06:20it's not cool yeah but it could be all you have to do is like get someone from vice to
06:24dj
06:25once a month and make sure the bathrooms are disgusting what are you doing just come up here
06:33you got any ciggies
06:48make a wish bitch
06:51it's like you're campaigning to be the mayor of my life none of this is relevant and stop doing that
06:57it's fucking pointless being your friend it's hard fucking work maggie you're just ignoring all the
07:03time you
07:05hey you okay you look hungover i'm fine but thank you for saying i look like shit
07:17i had zero living family who could support me in any real way i know and then suddenly dropped on
07:23my lap was his massive responsibility the bar you robert downey jr unconfirmed but i see it
07:29carrie fisher legend vincent van gogh no way do not cut off your ear i will try mel gibson they
07:38can't
07:38all be good kirk of bane i know you girls say having a disgusting toilet makes the bar cooler but
07:44there's got to be limits to that don't we think can you just leave out the ones who kill themselves
07:48yeah uh great sinead o'connor what about her i'm finding cool celebrities with bipolar disorder to
07:59cheer maggie up hmm well the first thing to do is find the best treatment get you into a routine
08:06i think moving in with me would do your world of good in that respect no way just when you're
08:11no
08:11but darling i don't want you to be alone while you're
08:15what if something
08:22i can stay with her for a bit oh it's fine i'm no no no it'll be a nice change
08:27from upstairs
08:29i've got so many rats now i might need to build some sort of home for them
08:32yeah
08:37that cool
08:39yeah
08:41grant
08:43that's it
08:44do you have any jobs going i can't do this anymore
08:53god
08:55the six months that annie worked here were the drunkest of my life
08:59yeah i know i lived with you for most of them
09:02right
09:05that must have been a lot for you i get it
09:08you don't get it maggie how could you
09:10i do
09:10no you don't
09:11you have never had to be responsible for anyone else in your whole life
09:16where are you
09:17pissing
09:38how's it looking in there
09:40something or someone has given birth in the sink but other than that about the same
09:46look i know you think this friendship has been about you looking after me and i get that but
09:51i look after you too
09:52no you don't
09:53i do eddie just because my care looks different to yours
09:56name one time you've looked after me successfully
09:58other than today
10:00maggie
10:00fine
10:05exactly
10:05well just give me a minute
10:10okay
10:12how about that time you
10:13they're honestly not that bad
10:16okay go home
10:17i'll round the bar
10:18that's not what happened
10:19they're honestly not that bad
10:23okay go home
10:24i'll round the bar
10:25my point still stands
10:26you're making it sound like a bigger deal than it was because you always change the narrative to suit you
10:31no i don't
10:31you change so many details
10:33eddie
10:36my memory is fucked
10:38from years of being on lithium
10:41i'm sorry it's not it's not intentional it's not malicious i just
10:45i can't remember every detail of every moment and that makes me sad sometimes but yeah
10:49can't be helped like
10:52it's not on purpose
10:57i'm sorry if it's too much
11:00i'm sorry if i lent on you i honestly didn't know i was doing it i just didn't have the
11:03tools
11:05i didn't have any tools
11:08it's like i was
11:09trying to fix an engine with my bare hands and no youtube
11:13i'm sorry you had to be like the farmer hoggett to my babe
11:34that's my second regina of the night
11:48sometimes i think it was more like
11:50the babe leading the babe
12:07i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
12:10i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
12:10i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
12:11i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
12:11i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
12:12i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
12:14i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
12:14i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm
12:26okay maybe my shitty memory only remembers the good things but the night you will miss when we
12:37this is definitely the best track i've ever had including women which is very unusual
12:44congratulations it's all about the knuckles
12:49it would be classic anya to like that though
12:53you made a cute speech did i i don't remember oh come on no i don't i told you i'm
12:59basically
13:00dory from finding nemo if she also had a mood disorder you said something like
13:05i have known miss theodora rushton for six years now and in that time she has made my life
13:14infinitely better oh it's a serious one on top of that she has single-handedly turned wet mouth
13:21into the three-time motherfucking holiday all my power of the year
13:32eddie i have seen you deal with every setback every angry drunk man every pile of puke in
13:39the bathroom like it's nothing but i know we know it's not nothing it's amazing eddie
13:48you are the coolest strongest smartest person i know and i really fucking love you
13:55no i can't no you have to feel feelings no i don't tickle her until she feels feelings
14:04that was gorgeous babe
14:06no i don't i don't want to be rude who are you i'm ryan i have a set at the
14:14table next
14:27i can't believe that's how we met him and now that bitch is literally the executive of my will
14:32i know i could have been a kid or a furry for all we knew
14:39that's not a great example by the way what have you been an amazing friend it doesn't really
14:43support your argument my argument yeah because that night ended when you
14:47is he on any medication do we know hello medication yeah yeah we're not on drugs
14:56it was only meds i wasn't supposed to drink on them but but you did and i don't get to
15:02be angry
15:02about that because it's like oh maggie has bipolar she can't help it it's not her fault so then i
15:07have
15:07to bury my feelings i never asked you to worry that night was supposed to be about dad so he
15:12could
15:12see that everything was okay i didn't know that because it's stupid can't see anything he's dead
15:26your feelings aren't stupid eddie it matters to me if i've hurt you
15:32there's always a reason you can't show up for me maggie
15:36if you're referring to what happened last year
15:51if you're talking about what happened last year
15:56i had lithium poisoning
15:59i had too much lithium in my blood because my doctor prescribed the wrong amount
16:04that's the truth i was trying really hard to get better when that happened i still am
16:13it's a lot of work it's every day but i am so much better now
16:18you don't seem better sorry eddie but you don't know that
16:22you haven't been here and when you've been here you've been brainwashed by a con artist
16:29yeah
16:32you must feel
16:35i can't think of a better word than insane
16:41you know what that's like
16:44and your reality turns out not to be real
16:48it happened to me
16:51it follows me every day i try and forget it and
16:54i can't
17:00call an ambulance for god's sake
17:03didn't you know she was out there
17:05god i
17:05come on darling
17:06did you
17:07you'll be all right
17:08you'll be all right now
17:10jillian wasn't there
17:13yes she was i called her
17:14no you didn't
17:19let's go here
17:21here we go
17:23okay
17:24take it easy
17:25okay
17:28here you go
17:30okay
17:36hi jillian it's will
17:38um
17:39can you meet me at homerton hospital
17:41he's never said anything
17:52how do you know that
17:55how do you know what happened
17:58he called me from the hospital while i was at the airport
18:02oh
18:05so you knew before you even left
18:08you knew i'd been poisoned and you didn't even drop me a dm
18:11it's
18:11is that how much you hate me
18:14i missed your abortion because i was poisoned
18:17but you abandoned me because you wanted to go on holiday
18:20that's not it
18:21yeah it kind of seems like it is
18:22i had to go maggie i had to
18:24why
18:25so you could go and smoke weed with mind control barry
18:28no because i was fucked
18:30i was so fucked and i just lost everything
18:32and i didn't know how to cope with that
18:34and i couldn't stay here and sit in the mess of it because i'm fucking weak
18:40i'm so weak that instead of dealing with my shit
18:43i found someone who told me they could make it better
18:45and i let them tell me what to think
18:46i mean what the fuck
18:50i know i'm not soft
18:52and i know i don't seem like someone to be gentle with
18:55but i am
18:58my sad looks very different to your sad but it's still very real
19:02and it still fucking hurts
19:08i'm a mess
19:11and a fraud
19:12and a loser
19:15you don't want me maggie i can't help you
19:28so thank you so much for having me
19:30oh you're more than welcome
19:32theodora can you fetch the microphone
19:35i think now's the time for my amazing grace
19:38oh damn i'm sad to miss that
19:42you know
19:43i thought this was going to be the worst day of my life
19:48and it wasn't
19:50and i think that might be because of you
19:53you know distracting me with how insanely inappropriate you are
20:04anytime
20:04all i wish is gone away
20:08all i wish is gone away
20:14i'm so sorry
20:19i'm so sorry maggie
20:46i'm so sorry about the babe
20:51two pigs are better than one anybody
21:02get behind the bar
21:06i'm not really in the mood to make cocktails
21:08oh come on just
21:09just trust me come on
21:11okay
21:12okay
21:14okay
21:33hi
21:34uh could i get a drink
21:38I'm on the run from a screening of The Hangover 2, which I inexplicably attended with the ex who told
21:43me to go on the Ducan diet.
21:44Hey! This doesn't happen to be your dad's wake, does it?
21:54It is, yeah, but please don't let that stop you hanging out here for hours.
22:03So what?
22:04We're just gonna start again.
22:06No, I mean, we can't.
22:10It's done as done, like, I'm a nightmare.
22:15You're a nightmare.
22:16There's no cure for that.
22:20But...
22:23We can decide that we love each other.
22:27That we need each other.
22:30Move on.
22:32Together.
22:36Can I move in with you?
22:39Of course.
22:41And everything will be alright?
22:47You're all I have now, Maggie.
23:00I'm here.
23:01I don't know what, but I'm sure you need me.
23:02No, I don't know what to do.
23:04I'm ready.
23:06I'm ready to read.
23:06That's great.
23:07I don't know what to do.
23:07I don't know if I can...
23:08If I can see you.
23:20If I had words to make a day for you
23:34I'd send you a morning
23:39I've got you
23:40I'd send you a morning
23:41Golden and new
23:45I would make this day last for all time
23:57Give you a night deep in moonshine
24:13If I had words to make a day for you
24:24To make a day for me
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