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00:02You hear a lot of mams going on about how being a mom is like a real job, but how
00:07hard is it really?
00:08Get in this room!
00:10Okay, there's the pregnancy bit.
00:12Tony!
00:14Push!
00:14And then there's the birth.
00:15But that's just popping it out.
00:18And I reckon I was actually the one who ended up doing most of the work there.
00:21Here we go!
00:22And after all that you have a baby.
00:24And you get months off work where you get free money for doing absolutely nothing.
00:27Jesus Christ, I'm eating my nipples red raw.
00:30You could try bottle feeding him?
00:32Oh yeah, and have everyone tell me I hate my baby.
00:35No thanks.
00:35The whole thing seems like a bit of a scam, really.
00:37Bottle you.
00:39Oh Christ, it's the pot!
00:41Who's taking the pot?
00:42What are we going to do?
00:44There's nothing to be afraid of, okay?
00:46I'm just going to tell her to calm down.
00:48No, no, no, no!
00:49Do you want to be killed?
00:50You can't tell a woman to calm down.
00:52How's she going to auto relax then, eh?
00:55It'll be over soon.
00:56Her mam's coming to town and she's just a bit worked up.
00:58It won't last forever.
01:00A mam's mam?
01:01I thought she was dead.
01:02Well, she's not dead.
01:03She just left Maraid when she was a little girl.
01:06Starts a new family.
01:08Who put water in the pot?
01:11Hi Maraid.
01:12Hey man.
01:13Conrad here.
01:14I can tell you're going through a little bit of a tough time here at the moment.
01:18And you're probably mad about that tough time.
01:22Yeah.
01:23But you think it would help a little if you just...
01:25If you just calmed the fuck down?
01:34They say getting your driver's license is a rite of passage.
01:38But really it's just 50 quid an hour to get honked at for stalling in front of strangers.
01:42But today's the day I can finally prove that I'm more than just a passenger.
01:45It wouldn't have good driving if it hit you in the face.
01:48I can't.
01:51I bite you.
01:52They have to fail a certain percentage, boy.
01:54Everybody knows that.
01:55It's just like a statistic thing, right?
01:56No, it's fine.
01:57You know, I just want to go to bed.
01:59I can't.
01:59We don't even need a driver's license to drive.
02:02I know.
02:04But I got it anyway.
02:05Shut up, boy.
02:06I got it.
02:07Are you joking me, boys, boy?
02:08Jesus.
02:10That's like Killian Murphy with your acting, boy.
02:12Yeah, what's my Oscar like?
02:13You're getting a bit shy around, you know.
02:15You're like the Taoiseach or something, boy.
02:17Michael the Higgins.
02:18The King of Ireland.
02:19Boy, we can get drive-thrus now.
02:21Drive-thrus, man.
02:23Drive-thrus, man.
02:24Drive-thrus.
02:24Holy shit, car, boy.
02:26Oh!
02:27You work with the car on the road.
02:31You deserve it, kid.
02:33You're very classy.
02:35Here, get your manky hands off them.
02:36They're not for ye.
02:37Yes, they are.
02:38It's my party.
02:39How is it your party?
02:40It's my party because we passed the driving test.
02:43We?
02:43Both of you did, did you?
02:45Well, that guy was sitting on the seat with the wheel,
02:47but he was in my head, so it was like it was a giant effort.
02:49Exactly, yeah.
02:50A rising tide lifts all the boats, Mairead.
02:52What are you on about?
02:53He's talking about tides.
02:54Boats.
02:55When jock rises, we all rise.
02:57Yeah.
02:58Alright, well, look.
02:59Who's this party for?
03:00So, if it's not for your award-winning son.
03:02Passing a test designed for teenagers isn't exactly award-winning.
03:05It is for you, boy.
03:06And besides, it's Bridget's birthday.
03:09What Bridget, as in?
03:10What Bridget?
03:10Bridget is in your mime, Bridget.
03:12I thought you hated your mime.
03:13I do, she's a self-centred witch.
03:16She's a witch?
03:18Every time I look in the mirror, I see half of her,
03:20and I hate her so much I hate half myself.
03:23But if she wants the best party ever,
03:24that's what we're gonna throw her.
03:26So, you hate this woman so much
03:27that you're gonna throw her the best party you've ever thrown in your entire life?
03:30I am not giving her the satisfaction of having a bad word to say.
03:33We've had parties before.
03:35Like, it's not that hard.
03:36Alright, I'm off to pick up the witch.
03:38We can witch it.
03:39No, you are not.
03:39We will, Jack.
03:40We won't. Let's go get it.
03:41You might get to drive the car by thinking about it,
03:43but she's actually a witch.
03:45Some kind of failure.
03:47I'm fine.
03:49After all that we've been true.
03:52I'm fine.
03:52After all that we've been true.
03:53I'm fine.
03:53After all that we've been true.
03:55I'm fine.
03:55After all that we've been true.
03:59Ho, ho, ho.
04:01There's a good boy!
04:02Dad, shut up!
04:03Hey!
04:06We've had some crack in this car over the years, haven't we?
04:08Do you remember the time that we went and held you with the fridge?
04:13And you thought we murdered a load of ducks with a hammer, like.
04:17That was so gross.
04:17Just a car joke.
04:19Ah, come on, though.
04:20It's not, though.
04:20It's more than that.
04:21It's memories on wheels.
04:23Ah, do you remember the time we went up to Dublin to go to therapy?
04:25And then the therapist told us that you were the one that was fucked up.
04:29Alright, like.
04:30Can you believe that?
04:31The look on your face.
04:33You were like, what?
04:35I paid all this money for some quack to tell me that.
04:38That's a good one.
04:39Alright, class.
04:42Eh.
04:43Right, I think you're looking a little bit tired.
04:45Tired?
04:46Piss off, jock.
04:47Stay to you.
04:48You have a face like the first pancake.
04:50You know, the bad one that comes out all munted and shit, so they have to throw it out.
04:53Jeez, that's a bit below the belt, no?
04:56I just thought that maybe you could, eh, just do a little break from the driving, is all?
05:00Yeah, well, keep your thoughts to yourself.
05:02I think he's just a bit worried, eh, you shouldn't be driving in your condition.
05:05A condition?
05:06What condition is that?
05:07Arseolitis.
05:10Sorry, man.
05:11In all seriousness, he's right, like.
05:14Yeah.
05:14I don't think you, at the moment, have the mental capacity to focus on the road.
05:18You're not thinking about your mamma now.
05:19That's serious stuff.
05:21Do you know what might be a good thought experiment?
05:24Thought experiment?
05:25Yeah.
05:26Did you learn that from the prison therapist, was it?
05:27That's normal, right?
05:29Imagine, alright, that you've never met your mam, and you're just on your way now to just
05:34make a new friend, so you can leave all the baggage at the door.
05:45What the fuck?
05:48What are you doing?
05:49That's obviously not what we meant, like.
05:51I was my mam's baggage when she left me outside the car, and she took off with a handbag full
05:54of freedom and selfishness.
05:56So what?
05:57We're just your baggage?
05:58Yes, you are my baggage.
05:59The type of baggage that has no value, and I get stuck in it because nobody else wants it.
06:03Look, he always got as useful as a bag full of mickeys.
06:06Soft mickeys at that.
06:07No, no, no.
06:08Don't you shush me.
06:10Don't just...
06:10Shush, shush, shush, shush.
06:11Shush, shush, shush.
06:12We understand.
06:12Shush.
06:17Alright, well he should be sleeping.
06:19I know that, Mairead, but he won't stay down.
06:21Arrows.
06:22No.
06:23Did you ask nicely?
06:24An airbag.
06:26Seriously, Mairead?
06:27I had an airbag.
06:28Shit.
06:28I can't help from here.
06:30Animals.
06:30See the cows there?
06:31Animals.
06:32No.
06:33Healy, what was that?
06:35I gotta go.
06:37I know, but give me a clue.
06:38It is all around us.
06:41It is all around us.
06:43Come on, boy.
06:43Use your brain, come on.
06:44There's no more words.
06:45Beginning with A.
06:46I don't know.
06:47You only guessed like six of them.
06:48I can't think under this pressure.
06:50Healy!
06:51You want me to tell me?
06:51Just tell me.
06:52That's what I said.
06:52Tell me.
06:52What are these?
06:54Air.
06:55Air.
06:57But you can't see air.
06:59Of course you can, boys.
07:00It's all around us.
07:01Yeah.
07:01I can't see air right now, can I?
07:03I can feel the air.
07:04Healy, what is going on?
07:05Will you answer me?
07:06You can feel the effects of air, but you can't see air.
07:08No, no, no.
07:08Air is see-through.
07:10You see through it.
07:11Okay.
07:12Then why don't you call this thing?
07:15Why don't you call that thing?
07:16No, no, no, no.
07:17That's not air.
07:17That's like saying, I spy with my little light W.
07:24Something I mean, a tiny bit of an A and an A and a A and fuck.
07:27I am surrounded by adult children.
07:34I spy with my little light and absolute ride.
07:39Look at her.
07:39What a gig.
07:40She is like fine wine.
07:42Whoa.
07:42That's a bit of me though.
07:43She's right up your seat, man.
07:44She's stunning.
07:45Is she hot, man?
07:46Stop hitting on your granny.
07:48Granny? Who's granny?
07:49Right up your seat.
07:50No, no, no, no, no, no!
07:51That's not me!
07:51No, no, no!
07:53That was granny!
07:54She's not hot at all but she might be.
07:58Bridget, call me mom.
07:59Oh, look at those muscles.
08:06You go to the gym or what?
08:08No, boy.
08:10My mam said I was actually barring with a six pack.
08:12Yeah, all the doctors took photos of it in the hospital, didn't I?
08:14Looks like a washboard to me.
08:16Yeah, well, he's full of shit, all right?
08:17I swear to God.
08:18I was almost in the paper but I got bumped because they found a missing guard.
08:21All right, yeah, as if, Jack.
08:22Be nice.
08:23Handsome lad like him, he's gonna make a lot of money.
08:26Doing what?
08:27Being an escort?
08:28Connor!
08:29That is disgusting.
08:31Horse spit.
08:31It's just science.
08:33Good-looking lads make more money.
08:35You wasn't even top five best-looking people in our school.
08:37Jealous, boy.
08:39Relax, okay.
08:41Brides only hang out with brides.
08:45It reflects well on you, too.
08:48Who says that?
08:49Everybody.
08:50Isn't that right, Moraed?
08:53That's why she had such difficulty at school making friends.
08:56Weren't enough other middling children.
09:00You're only middling, Moraed.
09:01Woo!
09:02We are done here.
09:03Jack is too young for you.
09:04It's disgusting.
09:04He's basically like your grandson.
09:06Oh, not by blood.
09:07Ah, she's got a point there.
09:09I mean, it wouldn't be illegal now, would it?
09:11No, but that doesn't make it right.
09:12Yeah.
09:12It's still messed up, all right?
09:14Like, spiritually.
09:15Yeah, spiritually.
09:17So why don't you just stop trying to score with him and be normal for once?
09:23Woo!
09:23Over this way, my lady.
09:26You didn't say down on yourself.
09:27Enough!
09:27That is a gorgeous jacket.
09:31I'm gonna be your granddad, boy.
09:32I'm not gonna be my granddad.
09:33I'm not calling you granddad.
09:35I'm not calling you granddad.
09:35I'm gonna be your granddad.
09:37I'm your granddad, boy.
09:38I'm your granddad, boy.
09:38I'm expecting you.
09:39I'm your granddad.
09:44No, no.
09:45What are you doing?
09:59So, how have you been, anyway?
10:02Fine.
10:02No thanks to you.
10:05It's a fine day for a drive, isn't it?
10:08Yeah.
10:08Yeah, beautiful blue skies, isn't it?
10:11Brilliant.
10:11God, he's the dead spit of your father.
10:14Yeah.
10:15You barely knew, Dad.
10:16You couldn't pick him out of a line-up.
10:17I stayed around long enough to have you, didn't I?
10:20What more do you want?
10:21Oh, no, no.
10:22That's plenty.
10:22Thank you very much.
10:24Thank you so much for having me and then abandoning me.
10:27Boy, I think we should block our heroes or something.
10:29This feels sort of private, no?
10:31I didn't abandon you, for heaven's sakes.
10:34I had to leave.
10:35You seem to do fine with that other family.
10:37Where are they now, anyway?
10:38Why aren't you bothering them for your birthday?
10:40I wanted to meet Neil.
10:41His name's Noel.
10:43Noel?
10:45Noel?
10:45Noel?
10:46Whatever.
10:47He's still my grandson.
10:49Also, I don't speak to the others.
10:51We fell out.
10:53What?
10:54I stayed around for a bit.
10:56But then the Boomtown Rats went on tour.
11:00You toured with them?
11:02I followed them around.
11:04I followed them around, yeah.
11:05Why?
11:05He's very sick.
11:07Anyway, I wasn't meant to be a mother.
11:11Honestly, it's a shit job.
11:13No, that's what I say too.
11:15I always say, be a dad.
11:17Much easier, more fun.
11:18Well said.
11:22What?
11:23What now?
11:23He took a shit in the bath.
11:25And?
11:25I didn't even know that was a thing.
11:28Oh, he's pissing on me now, Ed.
11:30He's pissing on me.
11:31Grow up and deal with it, alright?
11:32He's your kid too.
11:37Is she always this moody?
11:39I'll answer this one.
11:42Yes.
11:42I even got my driver's license and she won't let me behind the wheel.
11:45Can you believe that?
11:46Yeah.
11:46Even despite her condition.
11:48I don't have a condition.
11:50Are so light.
11:51Exactly!
11:52That's it!
11:53That's what I said you had, Mamma.
11:55Gosh, she is a witch.
11:56Can you believe this?
12:00You're like a cat that's lived a thousand lives.
12:03A thousand rides, more like.
12:04Well, Van used to say that sort of stuff to me all the time.
12:08Van Morrison.
12:10I used to babysit him.
12:11I've heard of him.
12:12You're not full of shit, you know.
12:13Van Morrison is older than you.
12:14You couldn't babysit him.
12:15Brown-eyed girl.
12:16That one's about me.
12:17You have blue eyes.
12:19Oh, my God.
12:20It's alright to smoke in here.
12:22What?
12:23No.
12:23No, I quit smoking.
12:25Boys.
12:26Oh, yeah.
12:26Go any further and you will be walking home.
12:29That is so unfair.
12:32Yeah, Marrage, you never told us your man was such a legend.
12:34Yeah, she's like a proper lad.
12:36Yeah, like not a small one, like a big one, like.
12:38Massive one.
12:39Yeah, well, you didn't grow up where?
12:40Yeah, well, yeah.
12:41Neither did you.
12:45I'm relaxed, like.
12:46I was only making a good pint.
12:48He's hot too.
12:49Yoo-hoo!
12:50This is Killian.
12:53He's looking for a ride.
12:55And I said we have room.
12:58Absolutely not.
12:58Oh, come on.
13:00Share and share alike.
13:01No offence, Luke, but I don't think he looks a bit like a murderer.
13:05Silly.
13:07Just watching my dress.
13:09Do you, Killian?
13:11No, Ty.
13:12Mm-hmm.
13:13See?
13:15Wait, was that a yes or a no?
13:16Well, he's hit a yes, but his mouth said no.
13:19Look, there's no room.
13:19Fine.
13:21But if you're not going to let my new friend come, then you're going to have to let Connor
13:27drive.
13:28We all have to make compromises.
13:32Fine, Connor can drive.
13:34Holy shit!
13:35All right, tell him what I taught you.
13:37What we talked about, right?
13:37You get the game.
13:38Mwah!
13:40I'll never forget you.
13:43No, no, no, not that way.
13:44No, no.
13:45That way.
13:46Ten and two.
13:47Ten and two.
13:51Okay.
13:51Nice family.
13:52Then there was the time when she came home from school and told me she needed glasses.
13:57I did need glasses, all right?
13:59I couldn't see the blackboard.
14:01I said to her, come here.
14:04Do you see that moon up there?
14:06I said, that moon is 400,000 miles away.
14:10There's fuck all wrong with your eyesight.
14:14Ten and two.
14:15You keep saying that, but I don't know what that means.
14:17Like a clock, okay?
14:19Hands at ten and two.
14:20Yeah, well, the clock's on my phone, so that doesn't make any sense.
14:22Let the boy just do it his way.
14:25He's my son, okay?
14:25I'll handle it how I like.
14:26I'm just trying to help.
14:28Okay, thanks, but don't.
14:29Can you, can you just sit back?
14:32What do you want me to get home?
14:32You have to get home.
14:34Yes.
14:39Ah, shit.
14:41Ah, thank God he's breathing.
14:45Hey, we could do CPR.
14:48Oh, come on!
14:50Oh, Jesus Christ!
14:52You're an animal!
14:53Sorry, like it was the humane thing to do, Con.
14:56Sorry, sorry, boy, sorry.
14:58Somebody put me out of my misery.
14:59We can't just leave him here.
15:01We need to give him a proper burial.
15:03Oh, you're so emotional.
15:05You're definitely your mother's child.
15:13Mammy's brain fell out.
15:18So,
15:20we're gathered here
15:21today to celebrate the life
15:23of Rabbit De Niro.
15:24He's gone, but certainly not forgotten.
15:28Would anyone like
15:29to say a few words?
15:32Listen, when I go,
15:34keep these two boys
15:35away from me with their tears,
15:38dancing and drinking.
15:39That's the way you're supposed to send
15:41someone off.
15:43I'll be in the car having a fag
15:45or doing anything
15:47other than this.
15:53I didn't know you too well,
15:55Rabbit De Niro.
15:57I know you like carrots,
15:59hopping around
16:01and shagging.
16:04Rabbits love shagging.
16:06Once saw a rabbit
16:08looking out a fox.
16:10I'm sorry for what
16:11they did to you.
16:15Done but not forgotten.
16:19It scared me.
16:20Oh, Danny boy.
16:24The pubes, the pubes are calling.
16:30From glen to glen
16:32and down the mountain side.
16:36the stars guide.
16:40The stars guide
16:41and the stars guide.
17:01cheer up boys you're bringing my mood down even be with you he'd get over it in his own time
17:07that's the problem with your generation you're too soft on your kids they don't grow up
17:12mm-hmm that what you were doing with me is this forcing me to grow up i think i was
17:17a bit young
17:18for that don't you i'm getting a bit sick of your poor me stuff you had more than i ever
17:24have you
17:24don't see me complaining all you do is complain you complain about being a mother no i don't want
17:29to talk about it anymore yeah well i do okay you at least owe me that i gave you life
17:34i was sick
17:35every day for nine months cooking you inside me what more do you want a mother oh don't be so
17:45dramatic dramatic you abandoned me you took the easy way out i didn't want a kid yeah but i didn't
17:54bail on him did i well somehow it's always about you and it's my birthday it is never about me
18:03it's
18:03literally never about me i wish for just once it was about me your yelling is exhausting me
18:09i'm going to have a nap have your nap hope you don't wake up
18:18i am i might try for a nap too
18:28no please come on i'm trying to do it here all right
18:45give me a chance all right
18:48drink your drinks and eat your eats it's party time
19:02hello are we glad to see you how was it fine she's still asleep in the car probably a drunken
19:08coma
19:12how is she i'm just the idiot who ruined everybody's life so how would i know
19:15very free
19:30Bridget sleep your head
19:33wakey wakey rise and shine
19:36uh Bridget
19:41Bridget i'm Tony oh jesus
19:43uh uh okay okay don't panic don't panic uh pulse um oh shit okay no pulse
19:50marie marie
19:51marie
19:52marie
19:53come quick
19:54she's done this on purpose
19:56we shouldn't be doing this we should be informing the guards
19:59you are the guards consider yourself informed
20:01we keep our legs up will you
20:02she's heavy
20:04oh you must be heavy
20:06oh god
20:11you think i should give her a hug
20:14hope's not gonna bring her back to life but is it
20:17no jack
20:17not her
20:20the other one
20:24the funeral home said they can't come and pick her up until tomorrow
20:29what so like she's just staying tonight here
20:31yeah
20:32why do you think we'll get to eat the dinner
20:35we have some respect but our mom's mom is dead
20:37why i'm starving i'll be the one dead if we won't eat soon
20:40you know i can hear you two idiots
20:43our hands are all
20:44yeah
20:47we should eat
20:47we promised her we'd throw her the best party we could so that's what we're gonna do
20:51love i think you might still be in shock
20:53she's not gonna ruin the party we're throwing for her by deciding to die
20:56i have one question
20:58does she still have a soul
21:00yeah
21:02or is that daddy's wife
21:07this is good stuff
21:08oh that's so bad you know
21:10yeah
21:11except for the prick guard and stuff
21:12yeah
21:13yeah
21:13hey fry
21:16this isn't right
21:18it's too much salt
21:19well no
21:22she's over there on her own like this is supposed to be her party
21:29why do i have to be the one sat next to her
21:33why am i doing that that's creepy but
21:43A toast to the old witch.
21:46To the old witch.
21:49Cheers.
21:52Hey, do I tell?
21:54Wait, wait, Bob.
21:57Night, night.
21:59See you.
22:02When I paste you in the doorway.
22:05Well, you took me with a glance.
22:09I should have took that last one storm.
22:12But I asked you for a dance.
22:15Now we go steady to the pictures.
22:18I always get chocolate stains on my pants.
22:22And my father, he's going crazy.
22:25He says I'm living in a trance.
22:27But I'm dancing in the moonlight.
22:30It's caught me in the spotlight.
22:33It's all right.
22:33It will definitely be illegal now.
22:36On this long, handsome and eight.
22:51Happy birthday, man.
22:54I threw this party for you.
22:55I hope you liked it.
22:59I don't know why I did.
22:59You wouldn't have done it for me.
23:02You never did anything for me.
23:07Conor, I was all alone.
23:08And you weren't there for me.
23:12All I needed was someone to talk to and tell me everything was going to be all right.
23:20It's all I needed and you weren't there for me.
23:24And I miss my map.
23:26And I love my map.
23:30Can I just wish you loved me back?
23:39I'm so sorry I was a shit man.
23:41I'm gone.
23:41Oh, no, don't say that.
23:44I was scared and I was young.
23:47I love you so much.
23:48I'd never have it any other way.
23:50You know that.
23:53You did your best, man.
23:55You always did your best.
23:59And you know what, in some way, I'd say she did too.
24:08I was better than her, though, wasn't I?
24:10Oh, yeah, way better.
24:14To Bridget.
24:15To Bridget.
24:19And to Marie.
24:21Yeah.
24:21Right?
24:22To Marie.
24:23Yeah.
24:35You always know what I'm about to sparkle.
24:39Wait, wait, wait, wait.
24:41Let Healy get it.
24:45Even the bomb going off wouldn't like that, man.
24:48One thing about being a man is that once you are one, it never ends.
24:52And a job that never ends.
24:54That's got to be the toughest job in the world.
24:57Right.
24:58Say, Granny.
24:59So just maybe we should give all mothers a break.
25:02Because even the ones that do jump ship, they've already done more work than any man.
25:07They deserve a rest.
25:09Rest in peace, Granny Bridget.
25:10And then, of course, we should be the first.
25:10And then, of course, we should be the first.
25:11And then, of course, we should be the first.
25:11And then, of course, we should be the first.
25:11And then, of course, we should be the first.
25:11We should be the first.
25:11You