- 12 hours ago
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00:02No, Wayne, you cannot have it yet.
00:04Something came up.
00:07Can we move this along here, please?
00:09You're not wrapping a Christmas present.
00:10I've got a party to go to.
00:11Lady, your leg is broken.
00:13You're not going to do anything except go home and rest.
00:16Less yapping, more wrapping.
00:18Butch, I am so much less high now.
00:21Sir, please, their earlobes are gushy.
00:23Gushy?
00:24Stop it.
00:25I want my little hammer back.
00:31Okay, we'll print your post-treatment orders and get you some painkillers.
00:35Yeah, I don't need them.
00:36What are you doing?
00:36Sit down.
00:37Your past is still setting.
00:39You don't even have crutches yet.
00:40You're going to injure yourself even worse.
00:42Then I'll come back after the party tonight and you can fix that.
00:45Come on, Hal.
00:47Hal?
00:48Oh, squishy.
00:49Oh, squishy.
00:52Okay, come on, let's go.
00:54Mom and Dad are already there waiting.
00:56Kelly, breathe.
00:57It doesn't start till 8.
00:58You want to look sharp or not?
00:59Just, I wish I knew what revenge Reese had planned for me.
01:02Don't worry about Reese, because there's nothing you can do about it.
01:05It's like a tornado, except there's no alert.
01:07It's just something you've got to accept.
01:09What the hell?
01:10My underwear's already too tight.
01:12Francis, get me a pair of your mom's granny panties!
01:15Right away, honey!
01:20Man, you need to adjust these speakers.
01:21I'm not talking about the volume.
01:23I'm talking about the mix.
01:24That speaker is too quiet and these three are too loud.
01:26And did you remember the backup cables I asked for?
01:28I know you don't mean it, but I'm getting a vibe of impatience bordering on menace, and
01:32it's pushing my agitation levels past the point of productive conversation.
01:35So, we'll continue this after I've run cold water over my hands.
01:38Honey?
01:39Hal, please, I don't need any help.
01:41Just back off and let me do everything.
01:43Honey, I'm so sorry.
01:44I should have realized that my natural enthusiasm was just adding to your stress.
01:50You've got this.
01:51Everything is already perfect.
01:53Are you still high?
01:54No.
01:55I'm just more perceptive because of the ego death that I experienced from my expanded consciousness.
02:01This is so yummy.
02:04Let me know if you want a break.
02:06I juggle the sound pizzas every Wednesday at Shadyside Assisted Living.
02:10Yodeling, barbershop, yodeling, barbershop.
02:12People go nuts.
02:18Wow, surprisingly nervous.
02:20What's surprising about it?
02:21Yeah, it goes to these people for years, and now you have to face them and explain why.
02:25Hey, hey, here's how I see it.
02:27We both want to avoid mom and dad as long as we can, so we hide until the spotlight dance
02:30and come out when we're the happiest.
02:32Before then, it's every man for himself.
02:36Nice.
02:37Give me your business card later.
02:40Malcolm?
02:41Malcolm!
02:43Don't we, those are friends?
02:45I wouldn't call them my friends.
02:47Malcolm, it's us!
02:48Your friends!
02:51Hey, guys.
02:52You know how we've missed our fourth musketeer?
02:57Lloyd, Dabney, Kevin, this is Tristan and my daughter Leah.
03:01You procreated!
03:02What a relief.
03:04The three of us have also created a child.
03:06Like, with a surrogate?
03:09Sure.
03:10That's our Hubert.
03:15There's an aunt!
03:16Don't worry, I have confused them.
03:19So, what have you guys been up to?
03:21Genetic Tech Resources.
03:22Incorporated in college and started getting contracts before we even graduated.
03:26Department of Defense.
03:28We're doing so much weird shit.
03:33There's your mom.
03:40Stevie!
03:41Oh my goodness!
03:43It is so great to see all of you.
03:45Oh!
03:46Hi there.
03:47This is Tristan and Leah.
03:49Hi.
03:50How are you?
03:50I was wonderful.
03:51Up until the moment I caught my ex-husband wallowing in his usual vortex of resentment based on nothing other
03:58than his own self-loathing.
03:59But thanks for asking.
04:01Tell your mother I do resent her showing up here wearing the necklace I gave her 29 years ago to
04:08be my forever love.
04:09It is a slap in the face to cross space and time.
04:13Tell her!
04:20Dad...
04:24says...
04:28he does...
04:33resent...
04:34rat cowards.
04:37You.
04:38All I'm saying is Dewey is stupid to be here on a laptop.
04:41Eat my balls, Jamie.
04:43I'm being considerate.
04:44Excuse me.
04:45Hey.
04:46I'm sorry.
04:47We'll have to get back to you.
04:48We're all just so busy.
04:50Yeah, we're completely swamped.
04:51I'm sorry.
04:52I don't have any excuses.
04:54I just want to clear the air and make it right.
04:57Please.
05:00Well, it's not like this is the first horrible thing you've ever done.
05:04Hey, Leah.
05:05Do you want to hear all the horrible things he's ever done?
05:07Yes.
05:08Kids, I need some help.
05:10They put the Javari chairs and high tables in front of the low tables and it's blocking the eyeline to
05:14the stage.
05:14Hi, Grandma.
05:16I was somebody who actually likes to hug.
05:18I said I would try it for your birthday.
05:20Malcolm, I'm so happy.
05:22He must have dropped and crawled.
05:25What the heck is wrong with him?
05:26He showed up.
05:27Give him a break.
05:28No.
05:28Jamie's not ashamed of his family.
05:30You know how hard it was for him to get permission to leave the base and come here?
05:33Oh, they don't know that I'm gone.
05:35I'm on guard duty right now.
05:39Then the face across space and time.
05:50Okay.
05:51Who wants another one?
05:51Well, you can tell your father to find a dictionary and look up the meaning of the word gift.
05:55Unless it's like every other thing in our relationship that came with secret conditions that he would only reveal when
06:01he needs to attack me when I'm at my most vulnerable.
06:10She loves you.
06:16Can I have friends with that horse?
06:21That's what militaries put into us, baby.
06:24You'll never say again.
06:25Boys, wow, you started early.
06:27I think 10 is a respectable age.
06:29We're just raising a toast to our dear old commandant's back there.
06:34Run to hell, you want our bastard?
06:38Uh, you want to tell me what's in the sack?
06:40Are you my parole officer?
06:42No, seriously, are you?
06:43Okay.
06:44We decided to do one last keeper for old time's sake.
06:49Nice statue head.
06:51I came.
06:53I sawed.
06:54I conquered.
06:57That's good.
06:58We're putting that on the Instagram.
07:00Wait.
07:02It was the most beautiful, transcendent experience.
07:05Abe said you were rolling around naked on filthy linoleum choking yourself.
07:10Transcendently?
07:12Psst, Ellie.
07:13Before you try anything, just remember, revenge for an unjustified revenge is justified, but revenge for a justified revenge is
07:19unjustified revenge.
07:21Yeah.
07:22Relax, we're in a ceasefire until the party's over.
07:25Could you sneak me a couple dinner rolls?
07:34It's so nice to have someone I can share my deepest feelings with.
07:46Crap.
07:47Yaw sounds like I'm seven.
07:49Quick, change the subject.
07:55Perfect setup.
07:56I look great.
08:13I made him nervous.
08:19Cute.
08:20Pretty.
08:21Hot.
08:22Hot.
08:35Ew.
08:36Ew.
08:39Wait.
08:40Where the hell did you get that mac and cheese?
08:42I brought it from home.
08:45When I get back, I'm expecting a new full-size plate handed over without any looks.
08:51There you are, Piyama.
08:54Oh, my juicy jelly bean.
08:58Oh.
08:59Gretchen, so great to see you.
09:01We were so sorry to hear about Otto.
09:05He didn't suffer.
09:07The puma is very quick and efficient.
09:09What are you doing now?
09:11I am a doula for cattle.
09:13I go from town to town, cow to cow, helping them give birth.
09:17It's very spiritual.
09:20Well, not the cleanup.
09:22That's nasty.
09:28Oh, my goodness.
09:30You have a calf inside you.
09:33How did you-
09:33Oh, it's my gift.
09:35For your girl.
09:36We don't know yet.
09:39Do you want to?
09:41What the hell?
09:43The video of us beheading the statue got 3,000 dislikes.
09:46Who doesn't love a classic prank?
09:48Let me see.
09:51Uh, where was this statue?
09:54A friend of the blog had a creepy vibe speeding to win.
09:57And did this bar have a name?
09:59That was weird, too.
10:00It was called Stagnus.
10:03What is that?
10:04Like how much you're like a stag.
10:07Idiots, it's not Stagnus.
10:09It's Stagnus.
10:13It's a church.
10:14Whose statue do they put in front of churches?
10:21Looks like...
10:24Burger King.
10:25Well, no wonder they're mad.
10:27People love that guy.
10:49Maybe I'm overreacting.
10:51Maybe he was teasing.
10:59What a creep.
11:01My first crush is a creep.
11:09It's been 20 minutes.
11:11I still don't have a better idea.
11:13No, come!
11:16Occupy!
11:17You think I wouldn't crawl under and pull you out of there?
11:26Can we do this outside the men's room?
11:28Nope.
11:28It's gone on long enough.
11:30We're gonna straighten everything out right here, right now.
11:32We're gonna go back to the party as a family.
11:33The shrimp is bad.
11:34The shrimp is bad.
11:36We're not serving shrimp.
11:37I ate something with a tail on it.
11:40Oh!
11:43Holy Father, mercy, prayers!
11:45Now let's go.
11:47You can't be serious.
11:48If you want to get out of here, you are gonna tell me why you have been doing this.
11:53Come on!
11:54Out with it!
11:57Sorry, I know you didn't mean me.
11:59How do you think one conversation in a toilet's gonna fix everything?
12:02I don't, but at least it's a start.
12:04What do you want to do?
12:05Wait for my funeral?
12:06There's nothing to say.
12:08It's just the way we are.
12:09We all just swirl around each other fighting and taking turns creating disasters.
12:13So we drive each other nuts, so what?
12:16That's what families do.
12:17It's more than that.
12:20I like myself better when I'm not around you.
12:22So you have said.
12:24And I feel bad for who I am when I am around you.
12:30What?
12:30You yelling?
12:32Spit balls to a battleship.
12:34No.
12:34I mean, I know I'm disappointing you.
12:40What?
12:41He said he knows he's disappointing you.
12:45Sorry.
12:46I'll be quiet.
12:48Now I'll be quiet.
12:50Mom, you've always had these gigantic expectations of me.
12:54Like I'm some sort of superhuman brain that can fix all the world's problems.
12:59I'm sorry.
12:59I can't.
13:00And I can't deal with that pressure.
13:01When did I ever pressure you?
13:03You said I had to become president of the United States.
13:06A president?
13:07Is that what this is about?
13:10Malcolm, that was just a plan.
13:14Plans aren't contracts.
13:15They're just plans.
13:17Your father and I have made hundreds of them.
13:18And look at us.
13:19Barely ever work out.
13:20So we just make some new ones.
13:22Yeah, you can't take it that seriously.
13:28That was you lying?
13:32You've been lying to me all this time?
13:36Do you know the kind of trauma you caused me for a lie?
13:39Making me suffer under your lie for 18 years?
13:44What kind of satanic monster are you?
13:49Aw, they found each other.
13:52We tried to give you very specific positive goals to help you get through college.
13:56So you wouldn't just party and drop out and end up in a homeless shelter.
13:59That was called good parenting.
14:01You don't even care about the constant stress and anxiety of trying to live up to that?
14:05Do you realize that my degrees, my charity, the awards, my beautiful, perfect daughter,
14:12finding a woman who loves me for me and makes my life complete,
14:16all of that was based on your lie.
14:18How could you do that to me?
14:23Wait.
14:25Malcolm, you've accomplished so much.
14:28And all of it is you.
14:31It's just you.
14:33You're a good father.
14:35You're a good man.
14:37Better than we ever hoped.
14:39And I wish we didn't upset you so much.
14:41And I can't say it's ever going to get better.
14:44I just miss you.
14:48I miss you too.
14:52I'm trying so hard to hold it in.
14:54It just makes the pitch go higher.
14:56Please, let's just get out of here.
14:59Oh, by the way, I love my granddaughter.
15:02Yeah, that's pretty easy.
15:03And I approve of Tristan.
15:05Thanks.
15:05I mean, I don't actually need your approval.
15:08I know.
15:08But I approve anyway.
15:11Thanks.
15:12I really love her.
15:14I think I love her like you and Dad.
15:23We are no longer friends.
15:25We'll discuss it after dessert.
15:29Hey, Dad.
15:30Looking good.
15:31All better now?
15:32Clever past that.
15:33We're not past it yet, Rhys.
15:36Do we miss anything?
15:37Pull me higher.
15:38I can't see space.
15:38You are in for it now.
15:40All right, all right.
15:40You're right.
15:41It's your moment.
15:41We'll pile on later.
15:44Dad, there's no point in me saying I'm sorry.
15:47I'm always sorry.
15:49But this is different.
15:50I not only took advantage of you,
15:53I did it by pretending to have a closer,
15:56more loving relationship.
15:59I know how horrible I made you feel.
16:02And the horrible thing for me
16:05is I was faking the relationship I always wanted with you.
16:11Way to take all the fun out of it.
16:12Yeah, nice man.
16:14That is the most honest apology I have ever heard.
16:18Oh, wow.
16:19But it is completely meaningless.
16:22Oh, wait, let's get it together.
16:23You have always counted on the fact that no matter what you do,
16:27I will always love you.
16:28And that is just true.
16:30It is for all of you.
16:32I assumed the love was just there in every cell of my body,
16:37and I was helpless to prevent it.
16:39But then I realized that that was just for your mother.
16:42You guys are completely different.
16:44You're so unfailingly destructive and self-absorbed and oblivious
16:50that you make it so damn difficult
16:53that my genuine, deep love
16:56is an actual act of heroism.
16:59Well, do you realize how good that makes me feel about myself?
17:05Thank you for that gift.
17:09Thank you for that gift.
17:09Especially you.
17:16Are you sure everything's ready?
17:17Don't worry.
17:18Don't worry everything's ready or just don't worry?
17:20Whatever answer makes you stop glaring at me, I don't like it.
17:24That's too late now anyway.
17:28Can I have your attention, please, everyone?
17:34This is such an important day for me.
17:37After 40 years of frustration,
17:40Hal has finally let me celebrate our relationship my way.
17:46My way.
17:49Today is happening exactly the way I always wanted it to.
17:53Because, honey, for once,
17:56for once.
17:59It's not about me.
18:01It's about you.
18:11Happy anniversary, sweetheart.
18:13This has taken so many online tutorials
18:16and equipment rentals
18:17and crazy expensive laptop I've been hiding from you.
18:20And I hope you like it.
18:22What would you like people to know about your father?
18:25That is a complicated man.
18:29No, he's not.
18:31He's the least complex man of all time,
18:33which I love.
18:35I spend so much time touring in different cities.
18:37Sometimes I don't know where I am.
18:39And Dad calls.
18:41He doesn't understand time zones.
18:42And it's always, like,
18:43like, four in the morning.
18:46But it's still very thoughtful.
18:49Three minutes talking to him,
18:50I feel like I'm home.
18:53Anyway,
18:54he caught me thinking.
18:55And I wrote this.
19:02For me,
19:02the most singular thing about Dad
19:04is his stamina.
19:06The sheer amount of grief
19:08he could stomach.
19:09I got in trouble,
19:10got in fights,
19:11got suspended,
19:12got expelled.
19:13Twice.
19:15Dad was always
19:17unfailingly patient with me.
19:19The first time I met Hal...
19:21Oh, got married to you
19:21without telling them?
19:22That was a big one.
19:24Anyway,
19:25I was dreading it.
19:26As far as I knew,
19:27all Dads were drunk and mean.
19:28But he was always so steady and reliable.
19:31Now he feels like my real Dad.
19:33Got arrested three times.
19:35No, arrested twice.
19:36Expelled three times.
19:40We were all pretty wild.
19:43But my brothers,
19:44they were so far ahead of me
19:45that I needed to find my own thing.
19:49So,
19:50I chose noise.
19:52I especially like the sound
19:53of crashing.
19:54Dishes, lamps,
19:56big windows,
19:57little windows.
19:59If you know what you're doing,
20:00I mean,
20:00you can create these frequencies
20:01that work right through your brain.
20:04And when Dad stopped me,
20:06he was always so
20:08gentle
20:08about it.
20:10I mean,
20:11it really made me
20:12want
20:13to be peaceful.
20:15I really appreciated
20:16his tenderness.
20:17Even though
20:18I'm kind of a tough guy.
20:19I mean,
20:21look at these beasts!
20:23Can the love of your life
20:25be a man?
20:26Another heterosexual man?
20:27I say yes.
20:28A thousand times yes.
20:30When someone is that loving
20:32and giving
20:33and honest
20:33and true,
20:35you can't stop it.
20:36You understand?
20:36He's not just my best friend.
20:39He's the best person.
20:40No one disagree with me
20:42on this one.
20:45Hell
20:48is a great man.
20:52Everyone expects me
20:53to talk about
20:53how forgiving
20:54and accepting he is.
20:56And he totally is with me.
20:59I don't know why
20:59I do what I do.
21:01I actually asked
21:02a therapist about it,
21:03but he was all,
21:04I don't know you
21:05and I don't work for free.
21:06But what I'm really thankful for
21:08is the optimism he gave me.
21:10I still wake up every day
21:12thinking I'll be better.
21:14He's always cheerful
21:15and honest
21:16and helpful
21:16and wise
21:17and honest.
21:18Well, right.
21:20You already said that.
21:20Yes, I admire his enthusiasm
21:22and his courage.
21:23He can try anything
21:24and make us do it too.
21:25Our vocal group,
21:27Firewall.
21:28Firewall.
21:29And don't forget,
21:30Insightful.
21:31Nobody else recognized
21:32that my bluster
21:33was just a cover
21:34to hide my shame
21:35at ruining Secret Santa.
21:36And he's incredibly generous,
21:38especially when they
21:39playing polka.
21:41Hey, Dad.
21:42I'm sorry this is so rushed,
21:43but I'm just a holy swamp.
21:44But I wanted to say
21:45I love you.
21:46I admire your decency
21:47and your honesty
21:48and your hair.
21:50So happy birth
21:52anniversary.
21:53Hey, Linda,
21:53can you bring me that report?
21:56I was like
21:58five
21:59when I started feeling wrong.
22:02I thought I was great
22:03at hiding it
22:04because you guys
22:05never said anything.
22:07but then
22:10I had this one
22:11really shitty day
22:13in the fifth grade
22:15with the other kids
22:16and even my teacher.
22:22When I had
22:23little kid problems,
22:25I'd just go to Dad
22:27and he'd clown around
22:28and make me feel better.
22:31and I wanted to do that,
22:32but
22:34instead I just
22:35blurted out,
22:36Dad, am I wrong?
22:40And
22:41he was looking at me
22:42and I knew that he knew
22:45and had always known
22:48and
22:51I could tell he was thinking
22:52like
22:53really hard
22:56and I was terrified.
23:01And then
23:02then he finally said,
23:04it could be nicer
23:05to your mom sometimes.
23:09So yeah,
23:11I like him.
23:16Sincere.
23:17Loyal.
23:17Tenderness.
23:18Brave.
23:19Funny.
23:19Faith.
23:19Incredible.
23:20Remarkable.
23:21Wiver.
23:22Wrinkling.
23:23Terrible.
23:23Considerate.
23:24Sparkling.
23:25Fectious.
23:27Outlast.
23:27Amazing.
23:28Wondering.
23:30Love.
23:36We did it!
23:38Woohoo!
23:38All minds are beautiful minds!
23:43Hal,
23:45when we first met,
23:47I knew I'd been looking
23:48for you my entire life.
23:54You're my wish come true.
24:06Woohoo!
24:22No one's ever done anything like that for me.
24:26No one ever left us.
24:28Excuse me?
24:32It feels weird
24:33to insert myself
24:34into this moment,
24:35but if
24:36I don't do it now,
24:37I'm afraid I never will.
24:39Dad,
24:42I'm sorry
24:43for how crappy
24:43my part in that was.
24:46I didn't realize
24:47how much
24:48this meant,
24:49how much you meant.
24:53I'm sorry.
25:03I thought I was improving myself
25:05by being away from you,
25:07but instead,
25:08I forgot the important things
25:10I learned from you.
25:11Give everyone a chance.
25:14Love is brave.
25:18Don't stop believing.
25:21I know where you got that one,
25:22but it's still good.
25:24So,
25:26love is brave.
25:30Tristan,
25:32I am so flawed.
25:33There are so many parts
25:35of my personality
25:36that don't work right,
25:37but I love you
25:39so much.
25:42will you marry me?
25:46No!
25:49No!
25:58That doesn't work
25:59for everything, Stevie.
26:01Malcolm,
26:02I love you
26:04so much,
26:06but we both
26:07just found out
26:07we've been keeping
26:09gigantic,
26:09awful secrets
26:11from each other.
26:12We have to figure that out
26:14before we do anything.
26:17Except sex.
26:18We'll definitely
26:19have sex later.
26:21Yes.
26:24No!
26:28No!
26:32No!
26:40Sweetie, get off your phone!
26:41It's a party!
26:42Don't talk to that little weirdo!
26:44You look lonely!
26:51Hi!
26:52I'm Lita.
26:54Hubert,
26:55who ordered you to approach me?
26:57My grandma.
26:58She could tell
26:59I was lonely.
27:00Just as I could tell
27:01you're lonely.
27:02It's probably
27:03because you're odd.
27:04I am.
27:05Well then,
27:07we're match made in heaven.
27:08Don't do eyebrows.
27:09And you're already
27:10giving me good advice.
27:12We're blossoming.
27:15Hi!
27:16Would you like to join
27:17what may become
27:18a super cool friend group?
27:23Yeah, okay.
27:24Thanks.
27:26Can I ask you guys
27:27about something
27:28really embarrassing?
27:29If you knew me better,
27:30you wouldn't.
27:31But go ahead.
27:33Ladies and gentlemen,
27:34we present the
27:35anniversary dance
27:36under the spotlight.
27:37Please remember,
27:38they chose the music.
27:42What have you done?
27:43What are you talking about?
27:45No, it's just
27:46the silly little
27:47romantic things.
27:48No, we do.
27:48Do you feel
27:50my heart beating?
27:52Do you understand?
27:54Do you feel the same?
27:58Am I only dreaming?
28:03I believe
28:04it's meant to be.
28:08Do you feel the same?
28:12Am I only dreaming?
28:17Is this burning?
28:18Oh my god,
28:19it's like being
28:19in a dream.
28:20You are a dream.
28:21Do you feel the same?
28:25Am I only dreaming?
28:29Do you feel my heart beating?
28:33Do you understand?
28:35Do you feel the same?
28:38Am I only dreaming?
28:41Is this burning on every time of the world's rise in the open?
28:55Do you feel like I'm leaving?
28:58Do you understand?
29:00Do you feel the same?
29:04Am I only dreaming?
29:12It's a loss
29:15It's a loss
29:17I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I wasn't supposed to
29:30I didn't mean to
29:32Do you like it?
29:46This is the most incontestable forfeit of a security deposit of all time
29:52And well worth it
29:55Ow, what the hell?
29:58My leg is killing me
30:03When the hell did I get a cast?
30:06Having friends is awesome
30:08I had no idea
30:09We talked everything out and they gave me a whole new perspective
30:13So I am going to send a picture
30:16Well, a screenshot
30:18To his parents
30:19And every girl in school
30:24Teachable moment
30:27Just so you know, Grandma actually helped me solve a problem
30:29Really? How?
30:31Well, by bossing me around about something completely different
30:35That's the M.O.
30:36It just occurred to me
30:37My next poo is going to be amazing
30:42Nice job rooting the anniversary
30:44Lee?
30:45Everything would have been fine if those rafters were spaced properly
30:48Oh cool, those rafters are exactly the code
30:50They absolutely are not
30:51God's sake, Rhys
30:52Building codes specify different rafter spacing for 4x6s and 4x8s
30:56And there's no way you can tell the dimensions from down here
30:58And when a zipper sticks, you don't keep yanking on it, alright?
31:00You pull gently and wiggle it side to side
31:03That's another thing, that cheap zipper
31:05There's tons of things to blame
31:07Well, I guess this is my life again
31:09I just have to do everything I can to make it work
31:13Mostly because I can't think of any way out of it
31:16Hope Leah's going to be okay with this family
31:18I like this family
31:20I feel so much less weird by comparison
31:23I hope Dad's going to be able to handle it
31:26I'm sure he'll be fine
31:30Free designs, raw