- 16 hours ago
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00:25Oh, come on.
00:30Hello?
00:31Stevie.
00:32It's Malcolm.
00:33Malcolm?
00:35Who?
00:36Yeah, it's been a few months.
00:38Look, I was just thinking about you.
00:40I figured I'd give you a call.
00:41How's little Max?
00:42How's Glenn?
00:43Cute.
00:46Needy.
00:47Great.
00:47Great.
00:48I love the pictures you sent.
00:50Yeah, you know, Max is...
00:51What's wrong?
00:51Everything!
00:52Mom and Dad and Leah and Tristan all found out at the same time in person!
00:56You have to help me come up with a smart enough lie to cover up the years of lies I
00:59already told you!
00:59I mean, it's gotta be brilliant!
01:02I...
01:03Told you.
01:06This...
01:07Would...
01:09Happen.
01:09You did.
01:10You did.
01:11What do I do now?
01:12Do you mind?
01:14Seriously, what do I do?
01:16Confess.
01:18Apologize.
01:20Make it right.
01:21Stevie, quit clowning around.
01:22They already know there's nothing to confess.
01:24It's Mom.
01:24She sees apologies as permission to become more enraged.
01:27I've misled them for over a decade.
01:29How do I make that right?
01:31Hey, Malcolm.
01:32Can he call you back?
01:33It's his turn for story time and...
01:35We need to finish before midnight.
01:37Okay.
01:38Thanks anyway.
01:40Sorry, man.
01:43You're in a wheelchair and I'm needy.
01:46It's just not fair.
01:48Oh my God.
01:49What happened?
01:50What did I do?
01:51What did we do?
01:52We have just had the worst 24 hours of our life.
01:55We just found out.
01:56Guess who's gonna be a grandma?
01:59Isn't it amazing?
02:00We've been trying for so long.
02:02Years and years of constant sex and all these weird mommy blog positions.
02:06And it finally happened.
02:07Get your pee stuck out of my face.
02:09Seriously?
02:10You can't even be happy for me about this?
02:13What are you trying?
02:14Who's ready for re-talking day?
02:17I put this on your credit card.
02:20What?
02:20We just found out that Malcolm has been intentionally hiding himself from this family for years
02:24and covering it up with lies.
02:27He has a teenage daughter.
02:29A secret teenage daughter.
02:31I still think my thing's pretty important.
02:35Dad, I am so sorry.
02:38I think we all knew Malcolm would eventually betray us.
02:41That's what Harvard does to people.
02:43Or any college, really.
02:44Oh.
02:45That reminds me.
02:47Ow!
02:48Ow!
02:48Ow!
02:49Ow!
02:50What are you doing?
02:51Dad is out there emotionally destroyed.
02:53I have to trash Malcolm as much as I can before he snaps out of it.
02:56How stupid are you?
02:57You mean like professionally measured?
02:59Just because mom and dad aren't on social media, you thought nobody else would find it?
03:02What?
03:03eBay?
03:04They already know I sell my underwear to pervs.
03:06What about Professor Dum Dum?
03:11Shall we peruse Greatest Hits?
03:13clock, you're afraid to grab through.
03:382.
03:38Yeah,tał efficiently M
03:38I should recollect his underwear torire all of these words!
03:38Allende Isabel is upon helpful, though.
03:40Tried to kill.
03:415.
03:42Freeze! Just unplug it!
03:45Just unplug it!
03:48Freeze!
03:50Freeze!
03:5768 videos. Millions of views.
03:59How much money have you made publicly humiliating Dad?
04:02Including merch?
04:03Merch?
04:04Are you going to snitch?
04:05Hell yes, I'm going to snitch.
04:07Okay, what do you want?
04:08To snitch.
04:09No, what do you want from me?
04:10To be there when I snitch.
04:12Kelly, you don't want to do that. Dad is too upset. He couldn't take it.
04:15I know that! God, this is so frustrating. It felt so good ratting Malcolm out.
04:20It was like, I found my calling. I'm an informer.
04:24It's like being a whistleblower but mean.
04:27And turning you in was going to be...
04:31Now I have to wait to spill my guts.
04:34But it's coming.
04:41What did you see?
04:43Everything.
04:48Oh my god, what happened?
04:50He just fell down for no reason.
04:52Oh, people do that all the time.
04:53How?
04:54How?
04:56Help me. Help me get him into bed.
04:57He won't.
04:58I won!
04:59I'm rolling.
05:03I'm rolling.
05:03Oh my god.
05:04Oh my god.
05:06Watch, watch, watch.
05:07Watch.
05:09What do we do?
05:09Just roll him.
05:10This way.
05:11Roll him.
05:11Use your legs.
05:12Watch your back.
05:20Hey.
05:21How far did you run?
05:23Six miles past the interstate.
05:24I'm in much better shape than I thought.
05:27I met a horse.
05:29I named him Cookie.
05:31Dad, seriously?
05:33I can take mom being crazy, but that's only because you're not.
05:37I'm so sorry.
05:39I promise I'll never do anything like that again.
05:41And don't call your mom crazy.
05:44She just has a lot of problems.
05:46Primarily being crazy.
05:48So, anything else you've been, I don't know, lying to me about since I was born?
05:52Leah.
05:52No! My self-image is already screwed up.
05:55And now, I'm part of a family I know nothing about.
05:58I mean, are they murderers?
06:00Or geologists?
06:01Or have taste sacks?
06:02Or Klinefilter syndrome?
06:03Or enjoy reading?
06:04Or have characteristic body language?
06:05Or they're athletic?
06:06Or super tasters?
06:07I should know all of that.
06:10There's no geologists.
06:15I think Tristan is amazing.
06:17She is.
06:18Oh my god, she must be so mad at me.
06:21Yeah, she told grandma and grandpa.
06:23I was not ready to hear you call them that.
06:25They really seemed okay.
06:27I don't understand why you can't be around them.
06:29I think yesterday you saw a pretty convincing demonstration.
06:32I have hay in my crack.
06:34I cannot go back to how I was before.
06:36And I'm not going to risk you.
06:38You are perfect.
06:39I want you to stay perfect.
06:44Okay, that's just fighting dirty.
06:46You have to think of it like they're the full moon and we're werewolves.
06:49It doesn't matter.
06:50Your cover is blown and grandma doesn't seem the type to just let things go.
06:54Look, I need time to figure this out.
06:56You need to promise me that if she contacts you, you will not respond until you talk to me first,
07:00okay?
07:00Okay.
07:01No, you need to promise.
07:02Calm down.
07:03I promise.
07:05I need to get some sleep.
07:07I'm still mad at you.
07:08You'll still be mad when I wake up.
07:10I believe in you.
07:33How could Malcolm abuse my trust this way?
07:36I'm so mad at him for betraying me.
07:39You know, by comparison, Reese looks pretty good.
07:43Sure, he's impetuous, but that rascal has a heart of gold.
07:48He's still my favorite.
07:53What's that?
07:54It's the 33rd of 40 love letters your father wrote me for our anniversary.
07:58Two pages each, front and back, not a single repeat.
08:02Listen, I have to talk to you.
08:05I was so excited to tell you about the baby.
08:09We tried so hard for so long, and when it finally happened, all I wanted to do was tell you.
08:15You didn't even say congratulations.
08:18You're right.
08:20I'm sorry.
08:21Congratulations.
08:23Never said I was perfect.
08:25Yes, you have.
08:26Well, I didn't mean it.
08:28Look, I will admit, there is a part of me, a part I do not like, that feels like you
08:32intentionally waited until this exact moment to get pregnant, just to make it harder for me to deal with all
08:37these other problems.
08:38That is crazy.
08:40Honestly, your whole life has been like you purposely planned every moment, good or bad, to happen at the worst
08:45possible time.
08:46That's not fair. It's always totally random.
08:49I know. I hurt your feelings, and I feel bad about it, and I promise I am going to be
08:53happy about this very soon.
08:54I'm going to be overjoyed. Just not right now.
08:58I have too many other priorities right now.
09:00You and the baby are number eight.
09:02That is so insult-
09:03Wait, you have a list with numbers?
09:07Yes.
09:09How do you think I manage?
09:11I have to rank everything according to how bad and how soon.
09:16Anniversary party is number one.
09:18Number two is our brand new, already-born granddaughter.
09:22I mean, she has been thrown into this circus with no preparation.
09:25We have to make it as comfortable as we can for that child.
09:27Your father is a close number three.
09:29Leah has the edge because she's younger, but he is in a complete meltdown.
09:33Number four is making Reese pay for what he did.
09:36Number five is figuring out a way to get Malcolm back into this family.
09:40Number six is making him pay for what he did.
09:43Number seven is trying to keep myself from draining our life savings to pay for this party.
09:49So you are number eight.
09:53When she puts it that way, I really can't argue with her.
09:56Are you kidding me? We're one slot above try oat milk.
09:59I know. Sucks to feel like you don't matter.
10:03I promise I'll never do that to our kid,
10:05as long as they don't piss me off too much.
10:08You are an incredibly smart, sexy mama.
10:27Did you care?
10:29I like the breeze.
10:36Hey, Leah.
10:38Hi, Allison. See you at pizza.
10:41What pizza?
10:42Oh, oh my god, I'm so sorry.
10:45Forget I said that. I don't know what you're talking about.
10:48Joni's doing pizza after the social studies final.
10:52You know, I thought everyone was invited.
10:56You really didn't.
10:57And why do you take such delight in humiliating someone who shouldn't even be on your radar?
11:03Wow.
11:05You really are cool.
11:16Morning.
11:18Is it morning?
11:20Oh, sweetie.
11:24Did you know that there's a South American slug?
11:28That after mating, the eggs are deposited in the father.
11:34And over the next three months, the children slowly eat their way out of their loving father.
11:42Until he's an empty husk that blows away in the wind.
11:47I'm just waiting for the wind, Lois.
11:52You know, we could just let it go.
11:56For a little while.
12:05I'm sorry, Mr. Plummer.
12:09I don't have enough money to pay your great big bill.
12:16Well, there must be some way I can satisfy you.
12:20Only office can put you on a payment plan.
12:26Did you just turn down sex?
12:29I guess I did.
12:31Hal.
12:31Oh.
12:32Hal, we don't turn down sex.
12:35No.
12:35We've done it in weddings and funerals and petting zoos.
12:40Hal, sex is our love language.
12:42I know, I know, I'm sorry, honey, but...
12:45Can I at least give you a hug?
12:50Not physically.
13:00Hey, it's Tristan. Let her rip.
13:02Hey, Tristan. It's me again.
13:05Look, I realize that you haven't returned my calls in the last couple days
13:07because my messages were apologies without an explanation,
13:11which I also apologize for.
13:13So here it is.
13:15I've been seeing a therapist the last month or so.
13:18She put me on this antidepressant venalpramine.
13:21I didn't realize the side effects that it caused on my moods,
13:26behaviors, and decision-making.
13:28But I am not going to use a medication that altered everything about me as an excuse.
13:33No.
13:33And I'm not going to bring Leah into this either, okay?
13:36Even though she already feels so connected to you,
13:39she knows that not seeing you again isn't anything like when her mother abandoned her.
13:44But please do not do this to her.
13:46She's just a kid.
13:49I'll be ashamed of myself after I get her back.
13:53Oh, you're just so glad you called, Leah.
13:56Dad insisted I get to know the family right away.
13:59If Dad can keep secrets, I can bring promises.
14:02This is Francis and Piyama, Kelly, Jamie, and Dewey.
14:07And this is your Uncle Reese, who is going to explain himself and apologize to me this very second.
14:12Word of warning.
14:13They get mad about anything around here.
14:16Well, we are just so excited about all of this.
14:20We've just missed so much.
14:21We have a thousand questions we'd like to ask you.
14:29Hal, don't you have a question that you'd like to ask Leah?
14:32Yeah.
14:34What do you want to do when you grow up?
14:36Crush your father's soul and make him question his own identity.
14:42Excuse us a minute.
14:44Welcome to this family, Leah.
14:45Gosh, I wish he was able to be there to welcome you properly.
15:01Sorry, they're, um...
15:03Get back here in the hotel.
15:05You're up, right?
15:06Yeah, hey, I gotta go, too.
15:08I gotta sneak in a cigarette while the lieutenant's still taking his dope.
15:11Don't tell Mama's phone.
15:14Is it me?
15:15Because this feels like when they make us choose lab partners.
15:18No friends, huh?
15:20Yeah, you give off that vibe.
15:21Kids can be mean.
15:23Parents, too.
15:25So the social thing is tough, huh?
15:28No, it's great.
15:29I'm on the waiting list to move up from outcast to pariah.
15:33It really is fine.
15:34I mean, I'm used to it.
15:36Because, like, what choice do I have?
15:38I mean, there's way worse problems.
15:44Leah, have you ever tried being kind?
15:48Probably not.
15:49I am nice all the time.
15:51And I get treated like crap anyway.
15:53Nice is different than kind.
15:55Kindness requires empathy.
15:57And empathy requires putting yourself in someone else's place
16:00so you understand how they feel.
16:03Do you remember ever doing that?
16:07Right.
16:08That's a tough one for your dad, too.
16:10You guys have brains that are so different from other people's,
16:13it's impossible to feel like you have anything in common with them.
16:16So what am I supposed to do?
16:17Just make an arbitrary rule.
16:19If you're not getting along with someone,
16:21imagine you have empathy for them and act accordingly.
16:24Like how I imagine I'm not always on the brink of violence.
16:27Try it.
16:28See what happens.
16:31Something you want to add?
16:34I bet if I crash the car, I'd move up two spaces.
16:41Oh, honey.
16:42Leah needs her warm and muddy grandpa.
16:46So sorry, Lois, but I don't think I can.
16:49I look at her and instead of a sweet kid,
16:53I just see one more person who will hurt me.
17:02Ted Hart!
17:03Lois, your orders are to stay just as sweet, loving,
17:06and beautiful as the day.
17:08Hal, first late, here's loving eyes on you!
17:11Open fire!
17:19Reload!
17:21Reload!
17:24Achoo!
17:25I must be allergic to something.
17:35She fake sneezed a booger onto her chin!
17:39There's a giant chunk of snot on her chin!
17:42There's a million ways that I could nail her!
17:45Do I go funny?
17:46Do I go brutal?
17:47Do I connect it to her character flaws so it stings with some staying power?
17:51My mind is reeling!
17:57Hey, you have a thing on your chin.
17:59It happens to me all the time.
18:06Wait, wait, wait.
18:07I saw what you did back there, that giant Jabba the Hutt on her face.
18:10Oh, my God.
18:11I was just...
18:12Oh, I hate Allison.
18:13I had the perfect idea.
18:14I was going to go,
18:16would you care for some crackers with that oyster?
18:18And then seeing what you did,
18:21I mean,
18:22I feel kind of sorry.
18:24I was like,
18:25noble.
18:26I'm not noble.
18:28Well,
18:28something.
18:29Leah, right?
18:30Yes, Jason.
18:31I said extra in English.
18:33And world history.
18:34Oh.
18:35Right.
18:36I'm dumb.
18:38Was this a meet cute?
18:40This was a meet cute.
18:42Right?
18:46Tristan's on her way over.
18:47I'm going to take responsibility
18:48and acknowledge the impact that my actions had on her.
18:50Or,
18:51I'm going to justify it.
18:52And I'm going to frame things in a way that she thinks that it's partially her fault.
18:55Which one's gaslighting?
19:00Hi.
19:02Thank you so much for talking to me.
19:04I know how upset you are.
19:06I know how bad I screwed up.
19:07And I,
19:09I don't need to talk.
19:11I need to listen.
19:12Go ahead.
19:15I love your kid.
19:19That's all I have for positives.
19:21Good start.
19:22You totally sandbagged me.
19:24Anytime I asked you about your family,
19:25you said it was complicated.
19:27What I saw was not complicated.
19:29It was just wrong.
19:30Yes,
19:30but I have a solution for that.
19:32All those angry,
19:33vicious things I screamed at him,
19:35imagine I didn't.
19:36You have to make peace with your family,
19:39okay?
19:39For your own sake,
19:40and sure as hell for Leah's sake.
19:42You don't understand.
19:43I can't.
19:44It's not just mom and dad.
19:46It's so much worse with my brothers.
19:48I mean,
19:48all we ever do is fight,
19:50except for when we team up to fight them.
19:53You have brothers.
20:00four and one non-binary.
20:02Dude.
20:03Come.
20:04This is so much to unpack.
20:05Don't unpack.
20:06Just burn.
20:06We don't need to know.
20:07I should go.
20:13I help the poor.
20:16What?
20:17I care so much about social justice.
20:19Malcolm,
20:20what are you...
20:20I'm not bad.
20:21I'm good.
20:21I'm not bad.
20:22I'm really good.
20:23And I'm smart.
20:25Which I remember that you don't care about
20:26because I listen
20:27and I know how to tie shoelaces away
20:29so they never come untied
20:30and I love you.
20:31Oh,
20:32I should have led with that,
20:32but I'm panicking.
20:33I'll start over.
20:34I can't be around you right now.
20:36I understand.
20:38I'll be here whenever you're ready.
20:42That won't be until I can trust you again.
20:46If ever.
20:54All night long.
20:56We should have called the cops.
20:58I didn't get any sleep at all.
20:59That's always been a loud crier.
21:02Guys,
21:02what are you doing still in your PJs?
21:05Party's in 32 hours.
21:07We still have a lot to do.
21:08According to your 20 bullet points schedule for today,
21:10I have more than enough time
21:11to finish my store brand cereal.
21:13That was before I realized
21:14that my dress only looks right
21:15with open-toed shoes.
21:17I had to add an emergency pedicure.
21:19My toes look like twisted walnuts.
21:22So is that one?
21:23Is dad finally asleep?
21:25No.
21:25He got up over an hour ago
21:27to help run errands.
21:28Come on,
21:29you guys.
21:29Let's go.
21:30Get the lead out.
21:33See?
21:35Completely normal.
21:36Don't be nervous.
21:37I'm not nervous.
21:37I'm desperate.
21:39I only have one day
21:40to shake off
21:40all this depression and anger
21:42so I don't ruin a party for Lois.
21:43Well,
21:44this will help.
21:45Microdosing is the best thing
21:46I ever did.
21:47It's how I lost all that weight.
21:48And got a handle
21:49on my gambling addiction.
21:50I replaced it with porn.
21:53Greetings, Voyagers.
21:56Namaste.
21:56Namaste.
21:57Richie?
21:59Hal!
22:00Great to see you.
22:02How's Francis?
22:02How's the family?
22:03I don't care.
22:04I need help.
22:05Worry not.
22:06I have many weeks' experience
22:07as a hallucinogenic scientist,
22:09shaman,
22:10concierge.
22:11We see your pain,
22:12truth seeker.
22:14We have incredible shit
22:15to deal with it.
22:16Let me give you a tour
22:17of our tripitorium.
22:18I don't need a tour.
22:19Indulge me.
22:21Help me.
22:22Please.
22:25Couch.
22:26Cot.
22:26Water.
22:27Bathroom.
22:28We recommend starting
22:29in our central chair.
22:30Some people call it
22:31a dream platform.
22:32Others,
22:33a launch pad
22:34to enlightenment.
22:35Either way,
22:36there's a puke bucket
22:37next to it.
22:38Oh, uh,
22:39we already paid.
22:39I used my coupon.
22:40Don't forget,
22:41that doesn't include tip.
22:42Right.
22:45This
22:47is the medicine.
22:48Air quotes
22:49are for the lawyers.
22:50Since you're new to this,
22:52we'll start you out
22:53with a 1.5.
22:55Where'd they go?
22:57You swallowed them.
22:58All of them?
23:00I have to divvy them out.
23:01You ate 60 milligrams.
23:03Is that too much?
23:04Well,
23:04not if you're like
23:0715 elephants.
23:08We gotta get your stomach pumped.
23:10No!
23:11It's the only chance
23:12I have left.
23:13I'm going in.
23:20Gonna need a bigger bucket.
23:22Yeah.