- 12 hours ago
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00:02I've been calling and calling, and Tristan still won't respond to me.
00:06So I'm sending my child in to talk to her for me.
00:08I know. It's like all my guardrails are gone.
00:12Ooh, ooh!
00:18She doesn't want to talk to you.
00:20That's all she said? You were in there for a half hour.
00:22She likes talking to me.
00:24Did you tell her she can call me anytime, or text me, or come over?
00:27That I'll do whatever she asks to make it better?
00:29Yeah, I said you were a desperate lunatic.
00:31Did she like that?
00:32Dad!
00:32Tell me exactly what she said!
00:33She wants you to deal with this mess you made.
00:35So do I.
00:37Your anniversary is tomorrow.
00:38We can still go.
00:40Then we can both be in your family.
00:44I can't remember a nicer Christmas.
00:46I love all my presents.
00:48It's great.
00:49Reese, the amazing dinner you made.
00:51Cleaning everything by yourself.
00:53All your presents.
00:54So thoughtful and generous.
00:55You really made this the best Christmas we've ever had.
00:58Oh, so I'm the reason every other Christmas was crap?
01:01Huh?
01:01No, I guess, Reese, you're the reason why every other Christmas was crap.
01:05Well, look who blames everyone but himself, as usual.
01:07Hey, you can't criticize anyone.
01:09Nice drugstore perfume, Richie Rich.
01:11Better than a donation was made in your name.
01:13How am I supposed to turn that in for cash?
01:14Well, at least we spell your name right...
01:15Jamie!
01:16Who gets black socks at Christmas?
01:18Why did you have to ruin this?
01:20Thanks for dragging me here.
01:21Now I hate Christmas!
01:24No.
01:25Not possible.
01:26You don't understand.
01:27I'm protecting the people that I love from the people that I love.
01:32Listen, it was unfair of me to make you my go-between.
01:35No child should be burdened with this kind of thing.
01:37We agree on one thing.
01:39What have I done?
01:40No!
01:42She's the one!
01:43Leah, never fall in love with someone that's better than you, okay?
01:46You'll just end up disappointing them and disgusting yourself!
01:49Idiot!
01:49Idiot!
01:52I feel like if I comfort him, he'll keep going.
01:55Idiot!
01:56Idiot!
01:57Tristan!
01:58I'm sorry!
02:04I'm gonna rip.
02:07Mmm.
02:09Oh.
02:11Hello.
02:13Oh.
02:14Oh.
02:22Okay, be that way.
02:32Mom!
02:32Reese finally worked up the courage to come out of hiding and face your righteous anger!
02:36She's out shopping all day.
02:37I hid under a car until she drove off.
02:40What do you want?
02:41Revenge.
02:42What did I do?
02:43You found out what I did.
02:45Do you know what this is?
02:47A completely trashed room.
02:49Do you know what room?
02:50No.
02:50Because you're a goody-goody and you've never been there.
02:53It's your principal's office.
02:54You trashed it.
02:55What?
02:56As a protest over the slow pace of progress on diversity and inclusion.
03:00What'd you do?
03:00Leave a note saying, I did it.
03:02Love, Kelly.
03:03Oh, please.
03:03I went pro 20 years before you were born.
03:05It's easy.
03:07Copy your handwriting just well enough to look like it's you trying to disguise it.
03:11Scrape your social media for characteristic phrasing.
03:14There's no activism without transgression.
03:16You gave me that.
03:18See what I did to the picture of his baby?
03:20That's going to focus some feelings.
03:22What is wrong with you?
03:23You'll never know.
03:24The court sealed that report.
03:30I'm coming, mother.
03:34I'm tangled.
03:36I'm billable, God.
03:40I see light.
03:42I could take the squirming if I didn't have to see his hand.
03:44He's stuffed.
03:47Foolish.
03:48I need you.
03:48What?
03:50I need it, mama.
03:52Hello, world.
04:02My, my.
04:04What a big, strong voice.
04:08Hello there.
04:11I'm Hal.
04:16How you feeling?
04:17Hot and dizzy and nauseous.
04:20I called my mom and she said she felt like this every day for nine months and that's
04:23why she never liked me.
04:24I've been thinking a lot about my mom's list.
04:27Ah, jeez.
04:27No, it's good.
04:28I realized I haven't been fair to her.
04:30She's got dad to deal with.
04:32Malcolm and Reese are giant assholes.
04:34She's older now.
04:35She doesn't feed on the chaos like she used to.
04:38Wow.
04:39I'm so proud of you.
04:41You've matured just in time to be a dad.
04:43Anyway, she's freaking out about the money she's spending at the party, so I was thinking
04:48we're doing okay.
04:49We could help out.
04:50Maybe our present is that we kick in a thousand dollars toward the party.
04:53I think that's nice.
04:56Wait a minute.
04:57You're just trying to move up her list.
04:58One spot.
04:59We're having a damn baby.
05:01How is that not at least top seven?
05:02Yes, we're having a damn baby.
05:04How can you still be so fixated on your mother?
05:07Because it's making me nuts.
05:08Since the day I was born, I've always been her biggest problem.
05:12The first grade fires, the summer camp riots, the freshman plea deal.
05:15She nearly went completely bald from the stress I was causing.
05:19I don't know.
05:20I got used to it.
05:22And even recognizing how futile and self-destructive it is, you're still going to embrace this insanity?
05:27Yes, you get it.
05:30Love you.
05:34Oh my God, you said that?
05:36You're so brave.
05:37Yeah, you know I don't care what those guys think.
05:41You've got to float above it.
05:43That's what I do.
05:45It's easy when you're pretty.
05:47I don't know.
05:47I think everyone has stuff they worry about.
05:51Is the cafeteria doing burgers or stir-fry on Monday?
05:55Stir-fry.
05:56Monday's always stir-fry.
05:59I knew I'd be good at flirting.
06:01Come in!
06:05Hi, honey.
06:05I'm sorry again about this morning, but I want you to know I've done some hard introspection, and I'm in
06:10a calmer place now.
06:12Okay.
06:13I mean, I'm still heartbroken, but I accept that it is over between Tristan and me.
06:17So now I'm sad.
06:18But it's a healthy kind of sad that I can work to get past by focusing on the good things
06:23in my life.
06:24Like you.
06:25I'm going to focus more on you.
06:27I'm actually fine with you.
06:28I know it's the last thing a kid your age wants is more time with daddy.
06:31But I had a great idea.
06:32Do you remember old school Manny's?
06:35Yes.
06:35It's still open.
06:36We haven't been there in years.
06:37I love that place.
06:38Me too.
06:38The fries were amazing.
06:40They were disgusting.
06:41No.
06:42Really?
06:42Everything about that place was disgusting.
06:44There was cockroaches in the bathroom.
06:46The video games were sticky.
06:47One time, I got a Band-Aid in my sandwich.
06:49I don't remember it like that.
06:51Because you were little, and it was our place.
06:53We talked about school and your dreams and...
06:56Why mom left if she loved me so much?
06:58Yeah, I never had a great answer for that one.
07:00But let's go to dinner tonight.
07:01Me and you.
07:02All right?
07:02They still have Zombie Massacre 3.
07:04We can play, and tomorrow we'll compare nightmares.
07:06That sounds great.
07:07I'm really looking forward to it.
07:13You can go back to talking to that boy.
07:17Okay, wait.
07:20You look nice and comfy.
07:23I assume you're here to beg for mercy?
07:24No.
07:25Actually, I'm here to thank you.
07:28This whole thing has been a real learning experience.
07:31I learned what you're capable of.
07:32I learned that the desire for revenge can go way too far and hurt someone.
07:37I learned I'm comfortable with that.
07:38I learned your social security number is 987-65-4327.
07:43I learned how to contact the IRS anonymous tip line about unreported video income.
07:48I don't have unreported income.
07:52Then you'll be fine.
07:54The IRS isn't going to listen to a stupid teenager.
07:56I worried about that too.
07:58But Agent Miller said the national debt is $35 trillion, and they'll listen to anybody.
08:04Okay, you've won.
08:08I've done this a long time, so I know.
08:10At this point, any revenge I try is not just going to be pointless.
08:14It's also going to blow back and hurt me.
08:17And somehow, I'm still looking forward to doing it.
08:21I keep looking at this font.
08:22I can't decide.
08:23Is this celebratory, romantic, or is this just cliche?
08:26I'm running out of time.
08:27What do you think?
08:28I think I clock out in five minutes.
08:30Ten seconds later, I won't remember this interaction.
08:32Yeah, you're right.
08:32It's cliche.
08:34Hi.
08:35Abe.
08:35I've been calling Hal all day, and he's not answering.
08:37Where are you guys?
08:38Lois.
08:38Yes, yes.
08:39Lovely to hear from you.
08:40All ready for your party tomorrow?
08:42No.
08:43Because I need Hal's help.
08:44Where is he?
08:45Where are you guys?
08:45I can hear the excitement in your voice.
08:48We are all looking forward to it.
08:49Abe.
08:50Yes.
08:50We're just finishing up our haircuts.
08:52It's taking much longer than we thought.
08:55Mario is being overly precise.
08:58Oop.
08:59We're heading into a tunnel.
09:03Barbershop.
09:05Tunnel.
09:08I don't understand how you look exactly like me,
09:12and so much better than me.
09:14Even your socks.
09:15I'll never have socks like that.
09:16Hal, you have everything I have.
09:19I'm you.
09:21Come on.
09:24I'm enjoying this, but we are here to work.
09:27Can you tell me about Hal?
09:32From the moment I had any self-awareness,
09:34I have been gripped by a pervasive fear.
09:36Fear has been my constant companion.
09:39Not as a condition or an abstraction,
09:41but something tangible, embodied.
09:45Interesting.
09:47Please, go on.
09:48Like, when I was seven.
09:51And our whole house shook and heaved
09:54with the weight of my father's broken dreams.
09:56Fear was already there.
09:58Almost like a big brother.
10:00Your fear.
10:00Yeah, my fear.
10:02Fear taught me things I needed in life.
10:04Always say yes,
10:05because you'll probably never get another chance.
10:08And to never let go of what you've got.
10:10Because anything can be taken away from you
10:13like that.
10:14Well, it sounds like such a hard way to live, Hal.
10:18Oh, you bet.
10:19Fear made it hard sometimes.
10:21But I don't think I would have gotten anywhere in life
10:23without his vigilance.
10:25Right?
10:26Right.
10:28Anything worth doing is worth doing in a cold sweat.
10:32See?
10:33A tough lesson delivered with kindness.
10:35Thanks, man.
10:38And he reminds me of someone.
10:39Trent Reznor.
10:40Ah, yes.
10:44Let's move on.
10:45I think we're getting somewhere.
10:47I used to think that taking care of my kids
10:50was my purpose.
10:52The best, most important thing I could ever do.
10:56You know, it really swallows up
10:59every bit of your attention and concern
11:02and plans for the future.
11:12And as every kid grew up and moved out,
11:17I had more and more bandwidth.
11:21And I finally realized
11:27they didn't need me anymore.
11:31So, no meaning.
11:35No purpose.
11:41I'm nothing.
11:47Hal, you've been so focused on your family's needs,
11:52never thought about your own.
11:55Your inner resources are depleted
11:57because you've never nourished them.
12:00I haven't thought about it like that.
12:04Hal, the key to this
12:07is what they always tell you on airplanes.
12:11You have to put your own mask
12:15on first.
12:19Oh, shit.
12:25Hey.
12:26Piyama and I can see how stressed you are
12:28about the party,
12:29but we both think an achievement
12:30like 40 years of marriage
12:31needs to be celebrated,
12:33so we're giving you
12:34a thousand bucks toward it.
12:37Thanks.
12:43Hi, this is Lois.
12:44Is that upgrade to the sound system
12:46still available?
12:47$1,500, right?
12:49Let's do it.
12:51No.
12:51I gave you that
12:52to help your money problems.
12:53You're not supposed to put yourself
12:54another $500 in the hole.
12:56I have to spend what I need
12:57to make this the way I want,
12:58and you need to stop
12:59obsessing about the list.
13:00It's only a number.
13:01Then move me up one.
13:02That's not how the list works.
13:04You're only doing this
13:05because you get some sort of
13:06sick thrill out of making me feel small.
13:08That's it.
13:09I am done.
13:10You need to get a grip on yourself
13:11because I am not going to indulge
13:13this stupidity anymore.
13:15What's that?
13:16It's just more party stuff
13:17like all the other party stuff.
13:19Huh.
13:23Do not make a thing about this.
13:26Booties?
13:28Little bunny booties?
13:30Little bunny baby booties
13:32for your little bunny baby
13:34grandchild?
13:35They were on sale
13:36and I can return them.
13:36I knew it was important to you.
13:38Go away!
13:39What's my number now, Mom?
13:40What's my number now?
13:43So, decapitation is
13:44back, back, up,
13:45high kick, forward, down?
13:47No, that pulls their hearts out
13:48and stuffs it in their throats.
13:50You know, if you want,
13:51we can go somewhere decent instead.
13:53I don't care.
13:54Anywhere I go with you
13:55is the best place in the world.
13:58Dad, quit it.
14:00Oh, can you get my bag from the back?
14:02Sure.
14:05Yeah, I got it!
14:07What the hell?
14:08What are you doing?
14:10What the hell?
14:12What the hell?
14:14Why would you do this to me?
14:28Why would you do this to me?
14:29I can't believe how much
14:30I've learned from you already,
14:32perfect Hal.
14:33I wish I was you.
14:35You still don't get it, regular Hal.
14:37I'm the you inside you.
14:40You have to start taking care of your own needs.
14:44Create space for the best, Hal,
14:46to grow and thrive.
14:48You have to let go of the people holding you back.
14:52People?
14:53Your family, Hal,
14:54and their constant demands.
14:56I love my family.
14:58They're termites
14:59nibbling away at your happiness.
15:01Stop the nibbling, Hal.
15:04They've got to go.
15:05Go where?
15:09Oh!
15:11You want me to kill them?
15:13New ideas can be challenging,
15:15and there's no growth without pain.
15:18But it doesn't have to be you
15:20feeling that pain.
15:22Oh, my God.
15:25You're not perfect, Hal.
15:28I was just dazzled by your socks.
15:31You're evil, Hal.
15:34Nothing but a gorgeous monster.
15:40Are you being ridiculous, Hal?
15:45You can't beat me.
15:48Ow.
16:19You need to grow up.
16:22Stop, Hal.
16:24You spent your entire life
16:25pretending I didn't exist
16:27because you knew this would happen.
16:29So,
16:30what do you want to do first?
16:32I think we start small.
16:34Do the success builds on success thing.
16:38And how about the look?
16:40Let's go with darker colors, huh?
16:45I love you.
16:47What?
16:58You're terrified of me.
17:00No, I'm not.
17:03Well, there's nothing scary about you.
17:06I don't blame fear he was trying his best,
17:09but hiding you away from me
17:11just made you seem
17:13more powerful than you are.
17:15I am powerful.
17:16No, you're needy and insubstantial and, well, delicate.
17:23Stop this!
17:24One tiny little tile of the mosaic of me.
17:28Oh, I have hundreds of different little Hal's inside me telling me things.
17:33That's why I'm so easily confused.
17:36No, no.
17:37You'll be okay.
17:38No!
17:39You'll have lots of little friends.
17:41Oh, there, there.
17:43I got you, buddy.
17:45Yeah.
17:47Congratulations, Hal.
17:49Oh.
17:50You vanquished the inner demon
17:51and cast off false duality.
17:53Well done.
17:55Bodhisattva Manjushri Kamara Buddha?
17:58Call me out, Abadjana.
18:00How would I know who you are?
18:02I wouldn't know that.
18:04It's the collective unconscious.
18:06Young has a...
18:07It's boring.
18:07Don't worry about it.
18:09What's important is that you are now worthy of meeting your animal partner.
18:12They will be your guide, your mentor, and your guardian.
18:16What?
18:17Ah!
18:19What is that?
18:23Can I get a wolf or a panther?
18:25No one chooses their animal partner.
18:27It chooses you.
18:29I mean, I have a 12-foot blue lion, but they're all great.
18:34It's leading you somewhere.
18:36But...
18:36Hey, I'm not making you do the mantras or contemplate the five skandhas.
18:40I'm not making you achieve an inconceivable state without obstruction or form.
18:44We're cutting a lot of corners here, so just follow the rat.
19:02Rat friend.
19:03Rat friend.
19:18Rat friend.
19:25Rat friend.
19:31Rat friend.
19:35Rat friend.
19:55It's it!
19:58It's it!
20:00I get it.
20:02Yes!
20:06Okay, each of you, tell me again what you're doing tomorrow.
20:09Mom, come on, it's late. We're tired.
20:12We've gone over it. We know what our jobs are. Stop treating us like half-witted toddlers.
20:16This isn't about you doing your jobs. This is about managing my anxiety.
20:19I can't find your father, and they sent me pillar candles instead of taper candles,
20:24so now I have to shave them into the proper shape, and wax is not a forgiving medium.
20:29I mean, look at this. That's too tapered!
20:33Obviously, I am losing it, so please, let's just do this, and then you can go to sleep. Kelly.
20:38Blow up balloons, then make sure the tables are completely set before I put out the favor bags.
20:42Check the rentals against your list. Verify there are no scratches or dents before I give those crooks one red
20:47cent.
20:47All 50 parking spaces are clear. Set up a separate supply area and signage for your signature cocktails,
20:53the Fuzzy Lois and the Halgarita. I'll keep working on the names.
20:57Thank you!
20:59Halgarita.
21:02Hello.
21:03Hi, Grandma. It's Leah. I've got great news. We're coming to your party after all.
21:07Dad just changed his mind out of the blue. See you there.
21:10Please slow down. I promise I won't try to jump out again.
21:14It's 11 more hours to Grandma and Grandpas. We're not slowing down.
21:18Oh, move a little that way. You're going to get blood on my dress.
21:21That dress is a really good color for you, thank you.
21:23And you're going to look amazing in your outfit. Like a hot 18-year-old.
21:28This is insanity! You've committed an actual kidnapping! Does this mean we're back together?
21:35This is an intervention. You're addicted to being an idiot and we are helping you.
21:39You can't spend the rest of your life lying and hiding and denying your family even exists.
21:45Worked perfectly until they showed up.
21:46But Dad, stop! Please, stop!
21:49You're not protecting me from your family drama.
21:51You're the one keeping it going.
21:53I'm trying to be a good father!
21:56If I should know something, and you keep it a secret, you aren't saving me.
22:02You're stealing from me.
22:04My choice, my self-respect, my trust in you.
22:09Daddy, I need all of those things.
22:13Oh my God.
22:16You're right. You're completely right.
22:18I am so sorry.
22:22I should have told you.
22:25All this secrecy is just so toxic.
22:32Twelve years ago, I was arrested for attempted murder.
22:35Whoa!
22:36You what?
22:37I didn't think it was important to tell you until we were serious.
22:40And then with your whole political thing, I just didn't know how to bring it up.
22:44And it wasn't even murder.
22:45I mean, I totally got off.
22:47You tried to murder someone?
22:50My mom was dating this guy, and one time he beat her up, and I got him arrested.
22:55But all of his buddies were cops, and he got out the next morning.
22:58He came straight to my apartment, and kicked my door in, and I shot him.
23:02You know how to shoot people, obviously.
23:06When the cops came, Jenna, my roommate, told them what happened, but all of his buddies believed him, and I
23:11got arrested.
23:12Cops?
23:12Yeah.
23:13It took a couple of weeks for everyone to figure out the truth and dismiss the charges.
23:17And by the way, it took me a lot of work to finally get my arrest record sealed.
23:20Okay.
23:22But it did get in some newspapers.
23:25And all over the internet.
23:27Because I was naked when I shot him.
23:30In the balls.
23:32You cannot lose this woman.
23:35Wait.
23:37I remember.
23:39You're Titty Titty Bang Bang.
23:48Drugs.
23:50Drugs.
23:51The party is tonight.
23:52I mean, I have great news.
23:55You're not a child.
24:04You are not going to beat me.
24:07I have the most amazing breakthrough.
24:09Not now.
24:10Carl, you still there?
24:11Yeah.
24:11You delivered the wrong projector.
24:13I specifically asked for 4K at 2700 lumens.
24:17You sent 2,000 lumens at 1080p.
24:19What the hell are you talking about?
24:20I figured it out.
24:21No one realizes it, but I'm their birthday cake.
24:25Everyone can take slices of happiness from me whenever they want.
24:29And I never run out of slices.
24:31That's who I am.
24:33I'm an inexhaustible cake.
24:34You're not a cake.
24:35Carl.
24:36Yep.
24:36Here it is.
24:37Contract.
24:37Page 2, item 1063.
24:41I want the right projector, Carl.
24:43Honey, are you worried about that herd of buffalo coming up on your lap?
24:45Take our keys.
24:46I'm busy.
24:46Okay, but they look kind of heat-ish.
24:52I'm sorry.
24:54You guys all right?
24:58Don't worry, honey.
24:59I'm establishing dominance.
25:02Honey?