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00:00.
00:32Good evening and welcome to QRI.
01:10There he goes.
01:12There he goes.
01:18Keep back.
01:24Bye.
01:26I love you.
01:31So talking of silly words, what's the worst thing to wake up to is it?
01:36A wobulator, a wood pussy or feeling absolutely...
01:41Womble-scropped.
01:42Wow.
01:43Yeah.
01:44Wood pussy, that sounds like a...
01:46Ethical, sustainable sex toy that got rejected.
01:50Do you know that the...
01:51Your name, Havelock Ellis.
01:53He was a pioneer sex solider.
01:55Oh, yes, of course.
01:561897, he wrote a big book about homosexuality.
01:59And a couple of years later, he wrote a...
02:01A book about autoeroticism, in which these three words feature the...
02:06A wobulator was to assist you.
02:09The wood pussy was to inspire you.
02:11And the womble-scropped is how you felt afterwards.
02:14LAUGHTER
02:16APPLAUSE
02:21Jaws, I think you need an Olyphant.
02:25Come here.
02:26And that was...
02:27Yeah.
02:28It's educational.
02:29I have to say, the whole look...
02:31Sounds a bit like menopause as well.
02:33And mid-life dating.
02:34So, yeah.
02:35Wood pussy sounds a bit...
02:36Not...
02:36It's lubricated, doesn't it?
02:37It does.
02:38Wood pussy is a word from 1899.
02:40It is...
02:41North American slang for a skunk.
02:43OK.
02:44LAUGHTER
02:46Ooh!
02:47Look at that pose.
02:48I grew up in New York and we had these striped skunks.
02:51They are very common in North America.
02:53It comes from an Algonquin word meaning urinating fox.
02:56And that's because of the extraordinary way it sprays this stink behind.
02:59Anybody know what you do if you've been...
03:01You've been sprayed by a skunk.
03:02Tomatoes.
03:03It's what everybody thinks it is.
03:06And it doesn't work.
03:07Hmm.
03:08So, people used to take a bath in tomato juice but, in fact, it's just that it's...
03:11It smells stronger, briefly, than the skunk.
03:14And then once the tomato juice wears off...
03:16And then...
03:19Links.
03:20LAUGHTER
03:21And then...
03:22JT and een party.
03:23L upon our representative government.
03:24JT and R�링.
03:25Ja.
03:26JT and R�也 ད
03:26JT, R�也 ད
03:28JT, R�也 ད
03:29JT, R�也 ད
03:31JT, R�也 ད
03:33JT, R� ད
03:34JT, R�, ད
03:37JT, R� ད
03:37JĄ
03:38JT, R�, ད
03:40JT
03:42R� ད
03:43JT
03:45R�, ད
03:47JT
03:47You are correct.
03:48Wow.
03:52OK, let's move on to one more.
03:57Wombles cropped.
03:58I love the Wombles.
03:59Is it to do with the Wombles?
04:00It's nothing to do with the Wombles.
04:02Who was your favourite?
04:03Orinoco.
04:04Oh, yeah, Orinoco.
04:05Orinoco, cos he was an idiot.
04:08They're wombling free in Wimbledon still.
04:10Yeah.
04:11The Wombles are the wood pussy of our...
04:13Really?
04:14I understand, like, one in three of your sentences.
04:16LAUGHTER
04:17APPLAUSE
04:22No, here's the thing, Michael.
04:25If you want to sit closer to me, that's fine.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:28I spent five years doing a podcast with Susie Dent.
04:31Ah, yes.
04:32And she loves these old words.
04:34And she would say,
04:35Oh, I'm feeling a bit Womb...
04:37Mm-hmm.
04:38..and I said,
04:39Does that mean you're feeling a bit queasy?
04:40Mm-hmm.
04:41And she says,
04:42Yes, probably more...
04:42..indigestion than being hung over.
04:45Yeah, it is absolutely correct, darling.
04:47You do get two points for that.
04:48APPLAUSE
04:52I will send them to Susie Dent,
04:54and I'll show you a picture of her later.
04:56LAUGHTER
04:57So, it's indigestion, but particularly after drinking.
05:00After excess.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:02Let's look at some other words.
05:03Anybody want to pick a word from there?
05:05I quite like Wootner.
05:06Is that like an Edwardian Viagra?
05:08What is that, Wootner?
05:09LAUGHTER
05:10LAUGHTER
05:11Oh, that's very good.
05:12Any thoughts?
05:13Well, Daddy Wooden Top was Wootner than Mummy Wooden Top.
05:16Yes.
05:17Wooden Top, when I'm telling you later about it.
05:19LAUGHTER
05:20LAUGHTER
05:21I'll show you.
05:22I've got some lovely old wooden top annuals.
05:23OK.
05:24Michael?
05:25LAUGHTER
05:26Say no.
05:27LAUGHTER
05:28Say no.
05:29LAUGHTER
05:31I'm just asking for Angela.
05:32I want to...
05:33LAUGHTER
05:34APPLAUSE
05:37Oh, thank you.
05:41Oh, it worries me that you know that.
05:46So, no, it's a knockout punch, a woodner, so it makes the target...
05:51..seem to be like an unmoving plank.
05:53It's from the early 20th century, a woodner.
05:55Michael, pick one.
05:56Uh, weed quashing.
05:58OK, what do you reckon?
05:59Is it toilet-based?
06:00No, it comes from...
06:01..from one of the Algonquian languages?
06:03OK.
06:04So that's North American, like Cree or Blackfoot or Delaware or something?
06:06Mm-hmm.
06:07Does that help you?
06:08Me quashing.
06:09Like a tribe?
06:10Yes, darling, like a...
06:11It's a Native American tribe.
06:12OK.
06:13Yeah, it's a Native American tribe.
06:14You know?
06:15LAUGHTER
06:16It's the spearing of eels from a...
06:21..to buy candlelight.
06:22Oh, wow.
06:23LAUGHTER
06:24That sounds like it's making it disproportionate.
06:26Yeah.
06:27So, unlike a fish spearing, where you actually stab the thing,
06:30the eels...
06:31..the eels spears are designed to hold the eel between the tines.
06:34Ooh, wow.
06:35You can see how...
06:36Havelock Ellis would have been interested in all this sort of stuff.
06:38Yeah.
06:39LAUGHTER
06:40What other words have...
06:41..have we got?
06:42Alan, do you want to choose one?
06:43A wee pull is a wonky steeple.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:47It's a wonky something.
06:48Is it a dyslexic nun's wimple?
06:51LAUGHTER
06:52There was this dyslexic nun.
06:53It's the beginning of a Barry Cryer joke.
06:55LAUGHTER
06:56I like that.
06:57Something man-made.
06:58Is it a garment?
06:59A wee pull?
07:00No, it's a very...
07:01..feeble whistle.
07:03A wee pull.
07:04A wee pull.
07:05A wee pull, yeah.
07:06It's 18th century.
07:07Do you know about Jiminy Cricket?
07:09LAUGHTER
07:10What's the name?
07:11Give a little whistle.
07:12Can you do a proper whistle?
07:14LAUGHTER
07:15No, I can't.
07:16LAUGHTER
07:16So you are, in fact, a person who does a wee pull.
07:19I think we've got one word left on our...
07:21On your list, Charles.
07:22Wow.
07:23Where'd he go nimble?
07:24Is it a kind of Jack and Apes?
07:25A where'd he go...
07:26Where'd he go nimble?
07:27It sounds like a Victorian hen party.
07:28Where are you going nimble?
07:29Well, after you've been to a hen...
07:31You might have this.
07:32It is...
07:33It's a loosening of the bowels.
07:34Oh!
07:35LAUGHTER
07:36A lot of hen parties.
07:37What have you been going to?
07:38LAUGHTER
07:39It's diarrhoea, basically.
07:40Well, I'm...
07:41One of my worst things.
07:42Oh, I love it.
07:43Yeah.
07:44Just one of your worst things.
07:45Yeah.
07:46One of my worst d...
07:46Is it?
07:47Is it?
07:48LAUGHTER
07:49Oh, it's not one of my worst mischarges.
07:50No?
07:51LAUGHTER
07:51I'm not leaving in the top three.
07:54LAUGHTER
07:56I don't know if you two might discuss that later.
07:59LAUGHTER
08:01Right, moving on.
08:02What is the use of handwriting now that we've all got computers?
08:05Everything.
08:06OK.
08:07I mean this seriously.
08:08OK.
08:09You can't write a love poem on a computer.
08:11If you want something from the heart, it has to come through the hand.
08:14I really believe this.
08:16But I don't think you're far off, Giles, because the thing is that the movements that you
08:20do in handwriting...
08:21They require you to process information actively, and that means there are many more links between
08:25regions of the...
08:26the brain which process information and the ones responsible for memory, for example.
08:29So I think you're right.
08:30I think...
08:31There is an unlocking of creativity when you use handwriting.
08:34Do you hand write anything, Michael?
08:35Yeah.
08:36I mean, I like, you know, like, love notes.
08:38Yes.
08:39You know.
08:40Exactly.
08:41You up.
08:41You know, send out bugs.
08:42Yes.
08:43Yes.
08:46Yes.
08:47Yes.
08:48Yes.
08:49Yes.
08:50Yes.
08:51How old were you?
08:56When you first began to practice your autograph?
08:59Uh...
09:01Must have been about four, I suppose.
09:03But not because I thought of it as my autograph.
09:05Oh, didn't you develop it?
09:06Those people, I think, will have developed their autograph over the years.
09:09Worked out the full name.
09:11One L, two Ls, all this.
09:13No?
09:14I feel the male psyche is fascinating.
09:15I know, isn't it?
09:17I was always writing people I fancied names.
09:19That's what I was doing, yeah.
09:21Yeah, I spent lots of time doing that.
09:23Did you practice, Michael?
09:24Just my autograph.
09:25Just, like, normally...
09:26I was probably, like, in detention, you know, just being written in there.
09:28LAUGHTER
09:29Were you a naughty boy?
09:30A little bit.
09:31It's getting more exciting by the minute.
09:32LAUGHTER
09:36Practicing my signature came into its own when I signed the largest...
09:41..cheque in the history of this country.
09:43When you were the Lord Commissioner of the Treasury?
09:44I was the Lord Commissioner of the Treasury.
09:46And I signed a cheque for £137 billion.
09:50What did you buy?
09:51LAUGHTER
09:52Social Security payments, first quarter.
09:54Uh, every...
09:56A bit of government expenditure has to be signed off by a Treasury Minister.
10:00And I was...
10:01I was the junior Treasury Minister, the Lord Commissioner of the Treasury,
10:03who had to do this.
10:04They explained to me with these big cheques...
10:06..the billion-pound cheques.
10:07You'll be doing them with the head of the Treasury.
10:09I said, who's that?
10:10They said, it was the Queen.
10:11So I would go down the mile with the government cheque book
10:14to sign these huge cheques with the Queen.
10:16And I was going to put our signatures together.
10:17And the first time I did this, I wasn't sure what the etiquette was,
10:19you know.
10:20I didn't want to patronise her because she was a...
10:21..a woman saying, after you.
10:22Oh, and he'd pull rank because I was the elected one.
10:24Anyway, she was...
10:25LAUGHTER
10:26LAUGHTER
10:27APPLAUSE
10:31She was holding the pen and she seemed to think she should sign first.
10:34So I let her.
10:35Big, loopy handwriting...
10:36..elizabeth R.
10:37And then I put mine underneath.
10:38Almost as big, but I know my place.
10:40LAUGHTER
10:41And the last time we did this, this was the cheque for £137 billion.
10:45It was...
10:46It was she who told me it was the largest cheque she had ever signed.
10:49And she said, you know, the way the government insists on the...
10:51..the two of us signing these cheques,
10:52I can't help wondering which of the two of us it is
10:54the government doesn't entirely...
10:56..trust you.
10:57LAUGHTER
11:01Thank you very much.
11:02APPLAUSE
11:06Now, if somebody dies without making a will, what's a fun...
11:11..one way to decide who gets what?
11:13Ooh.
11:14A race.
11:15Ooh.
11:16LAUGHTER
11:17Yeah, that's a good idea.
11:18Yeah, that's a good idea.
11:19The money's over there.
11:20Go.
11:21Go.
11:22What'd you bring?
11:23I don't know.
11:24Whoever loved him most and then you just...
11:26..go from there.
11:27You've had no dealings with the law, have you?
11:29No.
11:30LAUGHTER
11:31I feel very bad about this.
11:32Oh, do you, darling?
11:33Well, because over the years I have inadvertently...
11:36..killed a number of people.
11:37LAUGHTER
11:38LAUGHTER
11:39LAUGHTER
11:41..I have just realised the Queen is no longer with us.
11:45LAUGHTER
11:46..the Queen has the Queen's...
11:49..if a Puerto Rico...
11:50..in the Queen's...
11:51..this is looking good at that...
11:53..in the Queen's..
11:54.. совestable, it's alright...
11:56..I can see that...
11:57..she was very passionate about it.
11:58LAUGHTER
11:59..this is a special delight,
12:01..if a small group of girls...
12:04..the Queen's fadronous...
12:06..told out...
12:08..told out...
12:10..in the Queen's...
12:15up the congregation as we were praying through our hands like this and we'd focus on
12:20the frailest looking member of the congregation and then we would all
12:25simultaneously pray for this person to die
12:30and go
12:35God loves a young entrepreneur
12:39because we
12:40week after week these old buggers fell off the back
12:44many of them unfortunately
12:45dying intestate
12:47because without a will
12:48without a will
12:50that is the point so I feel guilty that people do die without needing a will
12:53but if they were old and
12:55by then they really should have had wills they should have known better they weren't like if Michael didn't have a will
13:00it would be more understandable than no offence if you didn't have a will
13:05I got stuff I got like tamagotchis so I can give them a go
13:11I got valuable stuff
13:12I got valuable stuff
13:13Have you made a will?
13:14I've not made a will no but
13:15No
13:15In the UK if you die without a will your assets automatically will go to your spouse or your to your
13:20civil partner or you know a portion to your children if you have any so we're going to South America
13:25in the indigenous communities like the Aymara people of the Andes so Ecuadorian salascans
13:30the Canellos they traditionally gambled for the deceased
13:35possessions
13:36in a game
13:37with dice
13:38called
13:39so they used
13:40dice which look like this made from the bones of donkeys or llamas or oxen and so on and what I like
13:45about this they play the game at the wake right yeah so the person's died
13:50there's no will and then they play with these dice to work out who's going to do so they put the coffin
13:55beside the players and it's believed that their spirit will reach out to effect
14:00the game to affect the roles and so on and that means that their intentions will be honored even if it hasn't been
14:05written down
14:06I think this is a fantastic way of doing it if somebody from the
14:10salascan community dies without getting married what they do is they place a chicken or a cockerel
14:15by the coffin to stand in for the would-be spouse and the dead person
14:20hand is made to touch the chicken so that they're married and the idea is that they're
14:25going to have a companion in afterlife and afterwards the chicken gets to live with the bereaved fam
14:30and then it gets a funeral of its own when it dies
14:33yes I know
14:35now we're weird we're r-ing a chicken
14:38so they let the chicken die of like natural causes
14:40yes they don't eat it
14:41they're not fried
14:42no no no
14:43add some seasoning
14:44yeah
14:45I mean suddenly
14:45so you're making it sound very tempting
14:46yeah it does sound good
14:47yeah
14:48in India there's a group of people
14:50who eat their own relatives they eat well actually they eat their grandparents when they
14:55have died
14:56I don't know what to do with that I'll be honest with you
14:58that
14:59yeah
15:00I don't know what you wanted from me from that moment I can't lie
15:03I can't lie
15:05what happens is this you see they actually they when the grandparents die
15:10they put them into the river
15:11yeah
15:12and then the fish eat them and then the children and the grandchildren
15:15eat the fish
15:16it's to carry on
15:17Michael
15:18you don't have to believe all of this
15:20stay away from the man
15:22let's go to one in five
15:23one in five I understand
15:24one in five I understand
15:25yeah
15:26right
15:27who was with William Wordsworth when he wandered as low
15:30lonely as a cloud in a field of golden daffodils
15:33this is Alan Titchmarsh
15:35wonder lonely as a cloud there's stuff about that isn't there there was
15:40jiggery-pokery around how that got written and when
15:42well some people think he originally wrote I wandered lonely
15:45as a cow which I rather prefer
15:46yeah
15:47but who do you think he was with
15:49John
15:50Samuel's nose
15:51I think I do know
15:52yes darling
15:53he was with his sister
15:54yes
15:55he was right
15:56yeah
15:57he was always with his sister
15:58okay
15:59even when he was with his wife
16:00he was with his sister
16:01oh
16:02it's quite a strange relationship
16:03his sister was
16:05was the meaning of his life in many ways
16:07they were brought up I think separately
16:09yes
16:10and when they came together they really became almost inseparable
16:13they loved one another
16:15I think in a perfectly lovely way
16:17they loved gambling across the moors together the hills
16:20this is all happening in Cumbria Lake District
16:22then he got married
16:23okay
16:24and that created a bit of
16:25intervention
16:26his wife was called Mary
16:27is that right
16:28yes so she's called Dorothy
16:29and Mary became a friend of
16:30Dorothy
16:31but in a nice way
16:32he got a
16:35better artist
16:36to do his drawing
16:37yes
16:38yes
16:39yes
16:40but it is quite a strange relationship
16:41the night before he got married to Mary
16:43he allowed Dorothy to wear the wedding ring
16:45and in the morning he took the ring off Dorothy's finger
16:49and she
16:50she refused to go to the actual ceremony
16:52and when she learnt it was done she became as they say
16:55insensible
16:56and she never married
16:57that dog's got stories to tell
16:59hasn't it
17:00but
17:02so the story of the poem
17:03they were exploring old
17:05the poem
17:06the poem
17:07the poem
17:08the poem
17:09the poem
17:10the poem
17:12the poem
17:13the poem
17:14here
17:15is
17:15because he was... Is this where he did his sister?
17:18Is that what we're saying?
17:20Thank you very much.
17:25If that's what you're into, what you need to know about is Lord Byron.
17:29OK.
17:31Is this your specialist subject?
17:33Well, Lord Byron, I think, possibly did.
17:35We have it away with his half-sister, who was called Aurora.
17:38There's no evidence that the actor...
17:40of darkness took place between Dorothy and William.
17:43But what you should know is all of these poets, they were...
17:45constantly bickering with each other, because you mentioned Lord Byron.
17:47William once badmouthed the works of Alexander Pope, who...
17:50was another poet, and he was seriously admired by Lord Byron,
17:53and Byron was so angry...
17:55He renamed William Wordsworth William Turdsworth, so...
17:58LAUGHTER
18:00But she talked about the fact that they were in Galbarrow Park
18:03and saw daffodils close to the water...
18:05So it was definitely a thing that they did together.
18:08Now, for a question about...
18:10some very famous books with no words.
18:13I'm going to show you a picture of our line...
18:15studio audience, let's settle this once and for all.
18:18Where is Wally?
18:19One point to the first...
18:20person who can spot him on the panel.
18:22Alan was first.
18:23Have you seen him?
18:24In the hat.
18:25Put your hand up.
18:26There he is.
18:27OK.
18:28OK.
18:29How did you discover him?
18:30I mean, you were the first.
18:31It was quickest.
18:32Stripy top.
18:33Also, I'd spotted him before you asked.
18:35I thought...
18:35LAUGHTER
18:38Well, that's that man wearing a hat.
18:39How annoying for the...
18:40fellow behind him.
18:41LAUGHTER
18:42You can take it off.
18:43One of our wonderful L's, Joe.
18:44APPLAUSE
18:45These are these books.
18:46They were published in...
18:501987, Where's Wally?
18:51And it's books by an illustrator called Martin Hanford.
18:53But what I love is that somebody is...
18:55He's done a mathematical calculation as to the quickest way to find Wally.
18:59And it's the...
19:00optimal search path for where he is going to be in any picture.
19:04Can we put the...
19:05graph over the top so that we can see...
19:07It's a algorithm.
19:08It looks like the way to urine.
19:09It looks like the way to urine.
19:10It does, doesn't it?
19:11Yes, it does.
19:12It has sold more copies, his Where's Wally books, than Winnie the Pooh.
19:15Has it?
19:16I know.
19:17And in the beginning there was no Wally in them.
19:18OK?
19:19There was...
19:20I know.
19:20It was just something that was added in to give the reader something to do.
19:23Did you have these books when you...
19:24Yeah, I caught...
19:25Nobody asked how is Wally.
19:26So are you making sure you're...
19:27You're good?
19:28You're good, Wally?
19:29Yeah.
19:30I'll never help.
19:30Look at Wally's thoughts.
19:31LAUGHTER
19:32Jesus, I can't...
19:35I can get no peace.
19:36LAUGHTER
19:37Every time I go out...
19:38He said that's Wally!
19:39He said that's Wally!
19:40LAUGHTER
19:41I just came out for some fags.
19:43LAUGHTER
19:44Wally!
19:45LAUGHTER
19:46LAUGHTER
19:48LAUGHTER
19:50No one gives a shit about me.
19:51LAUGHTER
19:52No one...
19:53Literally no one cares.
19:54LAUGHTER
19:55Only Michael.
19:56The first person who's ever thought of how Wally is.
19:58There we go, you know.
19:59LAUGHTER
20:00So this is the optimal search path, if you have a look, that has been calculated by data...
20:05I love this.
20:06A data analyst has sorted this out, Randall Olsen.
20:08The white line is an approximate...
20:10But these books are called swarming picture books.
20:13Books with lots and lots of pictures full of movies...
20:15They've been really popular since the 16th century and probably the most famous of these...
20:20The middle builders is Hieronymus Bosch's The Garden of Earthly Delights.
20:24Painted in the...
20:25In the early 1500s.
20:26And if we zoom in to the bottom right-hand corner, one of the...
20:30hidden features of the painting is a naked woman with a small piece of written...
20:35Music across the bottom.
20:36That's Cheryl Cole.
20:37LAUGHTER
20:38The early...
20:40The obvious tattoo.
20:41The rate that's the girls allowed.
20:43LAUGHTER
20:44But...
20:45What I love is that somebody thought, oh, I'll see if I can play that.
20:48LAUGHTER
20:49Yeah, it's almost...
20:50A girl called Amelia Hamrick.
20:51She's a student from Oklahoma Christian University and she recorded it on a combination...
20:55of lute, harp and hurdy-gurdy and she called the piece the 500-year-old butt song...
21:00from hell.
21:01LAUGHTER
21:04We don't have a...
21:05We don't have a copy of it but apparently she described it as not very good.
21:08LAUGHTER
21:09And that's...
21:10And now for a question about...
21:11About...
21:12Oh, what the hell is it called?
21:13Do you know when you...
21:14What's the thing when...
21:15You can't remember a word?
21:16Tot.
21:17What?
21:18Tip of the tongue.
21:19Yes, tip of the tongue syndrome.
21:20What's it called in sign language?
21:24LAUGHTER
21:25I mean, that almost looked offensive.
21:28Um...
21:29LAUGHTER
21:30Top.
21:31Tip of the finger syndrome.
21:32Ah...
21:33Really?
21:34Tip of the tongue, tip of the finger syndrome.
21:35Oh, it's...
21:35It's lovely.
21:36Do you have anything that happened to you?
21:37It's really...
21:38It can't...
21:39I mean, it's...
21:40I think it might...
21:40I can't remember what I'm trying to say.
21:41What's the question?
21:42LAUGHTER
21:43At this stage in life, the brain...
21:45They say...
21:46It's...
21:47It's the nouns that go first.
21:48I forgot the word for polyamory.
21:50Today.
21:51The other people in the bed didn't care.
21:53LAUGHTER
21:55I did care, but I had to get up.
21:57Um...
21:58LAUGHTER
21:59There's a very...
22:00Right down the bottom.
22:01LAUGHTER
22:03People use placeholders when they...
22:05Can't remember a word.
22:06So there are some fantastic words that have been used over many, many years.
22:10Washicle, which is like...
22:12What shall we call it?
22:13Yeah, that's good.
22:14There it is.
22:15Uh...
22:15Whang Doodle.
22:16Whang Doodle.
22:17Thingam Thingam is very good.
22:18From 1684.
22:19Thingam Thingam.
22:20Udja Capivi?
22:21Do you think?
22:22Udja Capivi?
22:23You said that in quite an Italian way.
22:24I did.
22:25Udja Capivi.
22:25Udja Capivi.
22:26Yes.
22:27Did you read about the lady who had a stroke and woke up speaking...
22:30With an Italian accent?
22:31There's a black lady on TikTok.
22:32Really?
22:33Yeah.
22:34Now we're talking.
22:35Yeah.
22:36That's it.
22:37If I may say so, you up.
22:39Yeah.
22:40Yeah.
22:41Yeah.
22:42I don't think so.
22:43Not that one.
22:44Not that one.
22:45No.
22:45Two of you.
22:46Yeah.
22:47The chemistry's right, you know.
22:48But, yeah.
22:49Okay.
22:50Go on.
22:50Do you know it's up?
22:51No, you know it's up.
22:52Stay down.
22:53Stay down.
22:54Stay down.
22:56This is great Dutch ones actually.
22:58What do these mean?
22:59These are all sort of police words.
23:00That you use when you can't think of a thing.
23:01That would be packed.
23:02What's called a bib?
23:03Give me a bib.
23:04Samazinga was turned out.
23:05Dingskirchen. I like Dingskirchen.
23:07It's German when you forget a place and it just means...
23:10Dingskirchen.
23:12Dingskirchen.
23:13What about the remote control?
23:15Did you call the remote control for the television?
23:17Did you just call it remote control?
23:18Or do you have a...
23:19Some thingamajig sometimes I call it.
23:20Dingskirchen.
23:21Dingskirchen.
23:22Which one do you want?
23:23I mean there are several normally lying around.
23:25TV licensing in 2016 did a survey and they found that people in the UK have over...
23:30100 words for the remote control.
23:32After remote the second most common was doofer.
23:35Zapper.
23:36Zapper.
23:37Clicker.
23:38Flicker.
23:39Thingamajig.
23:40And whatchamacallit.
23:40Oxford it's the thing in Wales they call them panic buttons.
23:43And all the hunt and the...
23:45Turnie over machine.
23:46In Holland.
23:47In Holland.
23:50Lots of the houses have floor to ceiling sort of glass windows.
23:54So big glass and then...
23:55There's a tradition you don't shut your curtains in the evening.
23:57And one of the things that the youths of the neighbourhood used to do...
24:00Where my parents-in-law used to live...
24:01Is they should just go by with remote controls and change the channel.
24:04LAUGHTER
24:05Now it's time to horse around with some general ignorance fingers on...
24:10Buzzers please.
24:11What feature can BBC viewers turn on to let them read exactly what...
24:15I am saying...
24:16Subtitles I'd assume...
24:18Zapper.
24:19Zapper.
24:20Zapper.
24:21Zapper.
24:22Zapper.
24:23So subtitles translate speech...
24:25from different languages, right?
24:27So you can be watching a Korean programme
24:28and then you can watch it in English
24:30or you can...
24:30You can read it in English.
24:32What is the thing if I want somebody who speaks English
24:35to exactly...
24:35..see, written down, what it is?
24:38Is it...
24:39Closed captioning?
24:40It's...
24:40Closed captioning.
24:41You're absolutely right.
24:42Don't trust them, Michael,
24:44because they're often done by a computer.
24:45Yes.
24:46I know this,
24:47because when I was watching the replay of Margaret Thatcher...
24:50..at Thatcher's funeral...
24:51Yeah.
24:52Um...
24:53LAUGHTER
24:55When I was watching this,
24:57it had these closed captions.
25:00And when they got to the bit where the voiceover was...
25:03I read it.
25:04It said...
25:05..the archbitch will now speak.
25:07LAUGHTER
25:10That was an error.
25:12That was an error.
25:13That was an error.
25:14Yeah, yeah.
25:15How long ago do you think that they were able
25:17to put written speech onto a film?
25:19Ooh.
25:201972.
25:21Long time ago.
25:22It is a long time ago, yes.
25:231872.
25:24No, I'd say...
25:25I'm going to say...
25:25..the 1930s or something.
25:26No, 1903.
25:271903?
25:28Yes.
25:29Before my time.
25:30I mean...
25:31Just...
25:32Um...
25:33..Uncle Tom's Cabin.
25:351903.
25:36Edwin Porters had inter-titles between the scenes.
25:38And then his 1907 film...
25:40..of the college chums.
25:41He managed to...
25:42I have to say, this is really impressive.
25:43This is 1907.
25:44Look at that.
25:45Embedded into the picture.
25:47Don't you think?
25:48That is brilliant.
25:49That's like a Wes Anderson, doesn't it?
25:50I think it's...
25:50Really impressive.
25:51Darling.
25:52Yes.
25:53What's he saying?
25:54Darling?
25:55Don't.
25:56Darling me.
25:57Oh, they're having a row in text.
25:58Who was that girl you were with in the...
26:00..of the park today?
26:01No!
26:02What was the problem with using text in pictures like this?
26:051903.
26:06Going international.
26:07Maybe.
26:08He couldn't read.
26:09Yes.
26:10The high degree of illiteracy.
26:10Interesting.
26:11Yeah.
26:12It was a serious issue.
26:13I'm just worried the first ever dick pic's about to fly across the screen.
26:15It was 1909 that they very first were put at the bottom of the screen as well.
26:20When we get the closed captions.
26:21The words on your screen are captions.
26:23Subtitles are subtly different.
26:25Now, you may know that Frankenstein is not the name of the monster,
26:27but the person who created it, Victor Frankenstein.
26:29What qualification...
26:30What qualifications did he have?
26:32Was he a butcher?
26:33Do you know, of all the things...
26:35..we thought you might say?
26:36LAUGHTER
26:40I remember years ago going to see Edna Everidge live,
26:42and she said to somebody in the...
26:45..what colour is your house, darling?
26:47And the person said, beige, and there was a really long...
26:50..and she went, yes, you forget about beige, don't you?
26:53LAUGHTER
26:55She got a joke for every single colour.
26:58LAUGHTER
26:59Not that.
27:00Nothing's a butcher.
27:01Nothing.
27:02Nothing at all.
27:03Well, it's not going to be Doctor, is it?
27:04No, it isn't Doctor.
27:05We don't get him to be a Doctor until he's first portrayed
27:08in a romantic play.
27:10He has no qualifications whatsoever.
27:12Oh, he's an influencer.
27:13LAUGHTER
27:15LAUGHTER
27:20APPLAUSE
27:23So, Mary Shelley wrote the book in 18...
27:25Can I just say, this is one of my favourite stories of all time
27:28about misunderstanding something.
27:29So, part of her...
27:30..where her inspiration for Frankenstein came.
27:32And this was in her own introduction to the book from a...
27:35..the belief that pasta could come to life.
27:38Pasta?
27:39Yes.
27:40So, she discussed an experiment which was performed by Erasmus Darwin,
27:43who was...
27:44..Giles Darwin's...
27:45..grandfather, in which, and this is quoting her,
27:48..preserved a piece of...
27:50..vermicelli in a glass case,
27:52till by some extraordinary means it began to move with a...
27:55..and she had misremembered the word Erasmus Darwin...
27:59..and she had misremembered the word Erasmus Darwin...
28:00..claimed to have reanimated Vorticelli,
28:02..which are tiny wriggly worm-like...
28:05..and not vermicelli, which is pasta.
28:08LAUGHTER
28:10..and I'm afraid the writing is on the wall,
28:11..as we come to the matter of the scores.
28:14Oh, in a...
28:15..well, I'm lost for words.
28:16Six whole points.
28:17It's Kelly!
28:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:20LAUGHTER
28:21APPLAUSE
28:22In second place, as good as their word, with four points.
28:25It's Michael!
28:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:28..in third place, on the streets.
28:30..with one point.
28:31Alan!
28:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:34..good luck.
28:35Last place.
28:36Oh, dear.
28:37It's a complete write-off.
28:38Minus one.
28:39It's Giles!
28:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:40..you're welcome.
28:41Thank you very much.
28:42Thank you very much.
28:43Thank you very much.
28:44Thank you very much.
28:45So it's a good thank you to Michael, Giles, Callie and Alan and I leave you with the last one.
28:50Last words of the poet, Dylan Thomas. I just had 18 straight whiskies. I think.
28:55That's a record.
28:56Good night.
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