- 2 days ago
Some talented Actors in this like Bryan Pringle and Graham Haberfield.Written by Jack Rosenthal as well which is promising.
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FunTranscript
00:08Hey, Mum!
00:10What?
00:11Little spin men!
00:40Hello?
00:42This is 18 Beowulf Terrace speaking.
00:44Is that a sanitation?
00:46I want to speak to the master of the middlemen.
00:50I want to what, you cheeky madam?
00:52What do you think I am?
00:53An orange bloody U-Tang?
00:56He's not the only one that's busy.
01:00Cheeky madam.
01:01No respect, no patience, no manners.
01:04No liquors on neither.
01:07Hello?
01:07Is that the master of the middlemen?
01:10No, not if we're strictly accurate, madam.
01:12The master of the middlemen,
01:14just as he is master of all men,
01:16irrespective of race, colour or creed,
01:17is in fact the assistant town clerk.
01:20Yeah, I do, however, have the honour of being
01:22the Inspector Corporation Cleansing Department
01:24at your service.
01:25Good morning.
01:26Yeah, Beowulf Terrace, yeah.
01:29Well, they must have emptied your bins by now.
01:33Yeah, it's, it's 20 past 12.
01:35They've usually finished Beowulf Terrace by nine o'clock.
01:39Mad dogs permitting.
01:41Cheese and egg?
01:43Heavy breathing.
01:46Cheese and egg?
01:47Eric, me flower?
01:48Why didn't you answer me the first time?
01:50Just giving you a few seconds' deliberation to decide.
01:53Oh, decide what?
01:55Whether what you were going to say would,
01:57in however a modest way,
01:58contribute to the sum of human knowledge,
02:01or whether it be the usual load of macaroni
02:03as is your wont.
02:04Oh.
02:07Cheese and egg?
02:09Eric, me flower.
02:10It wasn't either.
02:11What was it then?
02:12I was going to pose a question.
02:14An excellent thing to pose, Eric.
02:15Good lad.
02:18Namely?
02:18Pardon?
02:20The bloody question.
02:21Oh, yes.
02:22Why are we sitting here like Lloyd George knows my father,
02:25father knows Lloyd George,
02:27when we dustbins to empty?
02:28We're making Winston happy.
02:30Well, because he's a human being like the rest of us.
02:32Because it's Tuesday bloody morning.
02:35Oh.
02:36And perhaps I won't pose no more questions till after Christmas.
02:41Go on, lads!
02:43Give me a bit of clog!
02:45Colin Bell for Mexico!
02:48Colin Bell for Mexico!
02:50But the baby on the boat
02:53In Mexico!
02:56We are the champions!
02:59We are the champions!
03:02We are the champions!
03:05We are the champions!
03:07Oh, for God's sake, ref.
03:09Blow your whistle at her majesty,
03:11chuckle the couple.
03:12Let's all get some dinner.
03:13Oh, it's not that cup final.
03:15Isn't it?
03:16It's not even a football match.
03:18Colin!
03:18Well, what's he cheering then?
03:19The whitewash on the bloody goalposts?
03:21He's watching his team training.
03:24He's not.
03:26Never contradict the leader of the gang, my friend.
03:29Or I'm liable to massage your jugular vein with a dustbin.
03:32Well, where's the enjoyment in him watching 11 fellas
03:35tripping round the field in their underpants,
03:37practising fouling each other?
03:38Well, my mum enjoyed it.
03:40They're watching fellas in their underpants.
03:43Every night till one o'clock in her Wednesday at nighty.
03:46Didn't she get pneumonia?
03:47Didn't she get locked up?
03:49The Olympics.
03:50On television.
03:51She enjoyed it so much she's considering buying a licence.
03:58Happy now, Winston?
04:00The cream of pig in Europe.
04:02No danger.
04:04Training nicely, were they?
04:05They sounded to me.
04:07Sounded?
04:08I couldn't actually see the pitch.
04:09Oh, the players.
04:10Oh, the players.
04:11I could hear them, though.
04:13Swearing.
04:14Couldn't you see anything?
04:16The ball.
04:16The ball.
04:17Every time they kicked it in the air.
04:19Keep it on the island, they shouted.
04:22There's a lot of wit and repartee on the terraces.
04:25That's the beauty of football.
04:27You sit there,
04:29muck and happiness seeping through every pot.
04:31Just because you saw a bloody football in the air.
04:35Not just an ordinary ball.
04:37No.
04:38The one my team was kicking.
04:40Touched by them.
04:41By their beautiful feet.
04:44I think he's dafter than me.
04:50This is an automatic answering service.
04:53Your complaint has been noted
04:55and will be rectified...
04:58rectified...
04:59All right.
05:00Immediately.
05:04What was that?
05:05Better smelly.
05:06I told you you'd master it by the 63rd time.
05:10Can you smell somewhat funny?
05:12Yes, it will be the tip,
05:14the soft summer zephyrs waft, you know.
05:16Does it usually pong your office out?
05:17Never, actually.
05:18It didn't today until you made entrance.
05:20I noticed that.
05:22I'll smell it wherever I go.
05:24Can't be me aftershare,
05:26but I don't wear none.
05:28Cheat and egg!
05:29Hey, what about me?
05:30Answer the telephone, 64th time looking.
05:33Hey, it's thirsty, what being automatic?
05:34There's cold water in the washroom.
05:37Taps broke.
05:38It was mended in 1953.
05:40Nobody never tells me anything.
05:44This is automatic pigging answering service.
05:47The computer's been noted and will be rectified immediately.
05:50You what?
05:51Rectified immediately.
05:54Much rice pudding out there is.
06:02Well, thank you very much, Petty.
06:04Oh, no, at all, sir.
06:05What for?
06:06For saving me the trouble of reporting you to Scotland Yard as a missing person.
06:11You're not missing at all, are you?
06:12Oh, no, sir.
06:13I think you may be fairly safe in that assumption.
06:15And you're perfectly sound in wind and limb.
06:17In limb, sir, yes.
06:18The wind, however, is proving a little suspect,
06:20especially after a night on bottled beer.
06:23Well, then, in the absence of any watertight excuse,
06:25like your wagon was shanghaired by a foreign power
06:28and stranded in the middle of the Negev desert,
06:30why haven't you emptied the bins in Beowulf Terrace,
06:33Shallot Street and Camelot sidings?
06:34Have you been snooping all morning?
06:36No.
06:37Just listening to a telephone receiver,
06:39which will echo forever to the obscenities
06:41of which only Mrs. 18 Beowulf Terrace is capable.
06:44She telephoned seven times,
06:46eight ladies from Shallot Street twice each,
06:48and the entire population of Camelot sidings once,
06:52all at the same time.
06:54Ah.
06:55Ah.
07:00Look, is that their sole source of sustenance?
07:03Fish and chips?
07:04Just Winston's.
07:06Pardon?
07:06I'm on cottage pay sandwiches this week.
07:09Me mam thinks she's like advertised on television.
07:11Eric has a mam.
07:12His mam has a telly.
07:13That's all you need to know.
07:17Wheat germ capsules and honey.
07:20I need the energy.
07:22I need a very demanding social life.
07:26Doing what?
07:28Dirty pig.
07:31I'm a sex symbol.
07:33Highly irresistible to the feminine gender.
07:36Every housewife bin I empty.
07:38They can't help it, you see.
07:39They all want to undress me.
07:41Mentally?
07:42No.
07:45You may recall that we were discussing three streets fulls of bins
07:49and four eluctant dustmen.
07:50I was increasing productivity.
07:53By doing less work.
07:54Put it this way.
07:55If you'll make one dustman happy for one hour,
07:57how many more bins are you going to get emptied by four dustmen
08:00in each succeeding hour?
08:02Give them good visibility or we'll finish there
08:03and no bloody coal wagons blocking up the entries.
08:06Cheese and egg.
08:07Despite my youthful schoolboy complexion,
08:10I am not taking my O-levels in Confucian Proverbs.
08:13What the hell are you talking about?
08:15Winston's a city supporter.
08:18We've sought medical advice, but it's psychosomatic.
08:20Just watch it, friend.
08:23Go on.
08:24So, being a city supporter,
08:26today I made him happy by taking him to watch his team training.
08:30Instead of making 63 housewives happy by emptying their dustbins.
08:34Now, for the rest of the week,
08:35he'll work like an atomic bloody power station at time and a half.
08:39That's my incentive scheme, you see.
08:41Perks.
08:42And how do you keep the other two happy?
08:44On Wednesdays,
08:45he lets me go round the TV shops collecting brochures.
08:47I wallpaper my mum's bedroom with them.
08:50My prayers do.
08:51He tells my missus I've been transferred to Warrington till Friday.
08:54Then he tells me three Friday lady friends the same.
08:57I spend the night with him.
08:58In peace.
08:59With no women to molest him.
09:01Only my matrimonial lady wife, God bless her.
09:03And she stays in the kitchen,
09:04practising shouting bingo.
09:07Choose a name.
09:10Would you like to make me happy?
09:12I think you should give me notice of that question in writing.
09:15Just rid Beowulf Terrace and its environs of refuse by two o'clock sharp.
09:20I see.
09:21Good.
09:22Because if you don't...
09:24Ho, ho, ho.
09:25Ach so.
09:26Eh?
09:27Just...
09:27Ho, ho, ho.
09:28Ach so.
09:29For the moment.
09:30I think you've got my gist.
09:32No.
09:33The chop!
09:40Lads, I think bloody Delilah's sick.
09:44Sick?
09:44She's bloody diseased.
09:46Psychologically sick.
09:48She's a very unhappy man.
09:50And do you know why?
09:51Not on her wages, no.
09:53Because she's lonely.
09:55Good.
09:56Bad.
09:56But indifferent.
09:58Sorry, I wasn't listening.
10:01Follow me.
10:01My chit's all got cold.
10:03Only the top few inches.
10:05Come on.
10:32in my many years as sidesman
10:34at Chad Street Congregational
10:36I heard many an uplifting sermon
10:38on the brotherhood of man
10:39Serves you right, you could have been having a lie
10:41Which went as follows this
10:43And it shall come to pass
10:44that if all a cleansing depot inspector hath in his life
10:47is his labours
10:48yea, even his fort anglia to polish of a Saturday
10:51yea, even his cross were to do of a Sunday
10:54such a man plougheth a lonely pharaoh
10:57and needs the love of other men
10:59i.e. bloody Delilah wants some mates
11:02then she'll be happy
11:03like us, hallelujah
11:04then she won't think so much about work
11:06like us
11:07and she won't go round bouncing around Adam's apple
11:09up and down at us and saying dirty things like
11:11aha, act so
11:12if we don't keep her happy
11:14she'll make bloody sure we're not
11:18why don't you love bloody Delilah?
11:20because I hate him
11:22Winston
11:23bug off
11:24Eric
11:25same as Winston
11:26it's going to be a challenge for you then, isn't it?
11:29what?
11:29from now on, you're going to devote your life to keeping bloody Delilah happy
11:34smile at your new friend
11:35eh?
11:37all of you
11:39smile
11:56thanks
11:57and steak
11:58Look, he's smiling.
12:28Right here.
12:38Right here.
12:55The dustbin men, P619, stroke one, part two, take one.
13:26And we'll be rectified immediately.
13:33Hello.
13:35Hello, pal.
13:39Never let your telephone dangle, pal.
13:46You cut them off, pal.
13:49Correct.
13:50You'll never know who it was now, pal.
13:52I know virtually everything, laddie.
13:55I know that that was Mrs 18 Beowulf Terrace.
13:58I know the theory and practice of refuse collecting in every capital of every NATO power, including Istanbul.
14:04I know the square root of 7,638.
14:08I know the weight of bow bells and how to make beetroot wine out of a dozen fresh eggs and
14:12a tin of metal polish.
14:13The only thing I don't know is why you're sitting there calling me pal.
14:17Pal.
14:17I'm holding a paly conversation with you.
14:22Well, you know, all pals together like.
14:26Geez, and I'd wondered if, that is I wondered, if being my mate, you'd care to discuss the role of
14:31Colin Bell as Link, man.
14:36If Sir Ulf Rumsey favours the 4-3-3 formation in Mexico, but judging by the way your eyes are
14:41crossing, I think I'll just...
14:42Get out.
14:42Yes, sir.
14:43Let's go.
15:02Hello, mate.
15:04Don't be argumentative.
15:05Eh?
15:06What's he doing to Vanessa?
15:07I hate to think.
15:08Who's Vanessa?
15:09My motor car.
15:10Oh, baffin' it, mate.
15:12What for?
15:13Ah, well, Cheese and Egg thought it a bit...
15:14I mean, Eric thought it would be a very matey thing to do, mate.
15:21It's all those wheat germ capsules.
15:23You think I'm a woman?
15:25Hey, what going on?
15:27You're going to take a journey into the unknown.
15:29It'll make me out of time.
15:31There's nothing wrong.
15:32It's to make bloody Lila happy.
15:35What about me?
15:38True.
15:39One shouldn't tamper with nature.
15:42Go on, play them tea leaves.
15:45You want to be my...
15:46What?
15:49Mate.
15:50Mate.
15:52You mean, marry me?
15:54Oh, don't you start.
15:55I've had seven breacher promise suits this morning,
15:57and alone stuck in the dustbin, lads.
15:58Excuse me a brief moment of time, sir.
16:01On the wagon, beloved.
16:02Work now, socialise later.
16:03You can continue your little conversation after worky hours.
16:07With me, talks dirty.
16:08Sex man, sex man.
16:10Choose an egg.
16:11Sir?
16:13Sit down a minute.
16:14Oh, thank you, sir.
16:17Right.
16:19One.
16:20Winston's been in here burbling about football.
16:23Don't you like football?
16:23Even less than I like Winston.
16:25And you'll find out how little that is on page nine of the Guinness Book of Records.
16:29Oh.
16:30Two.
16:32Eric's been out there washing Vanessa.
16:34He was only supposed to wash your car, the dirty pig.
16:37It's my Saturday afternoon entertainment.
16:41Washing Vanessa.
16:43Inside and out.
16:45Under the wheel arches.
16:47Inside the boot.
16:49Every second Saturday, I...
16:50I scrape out the inside of the exhaust pipe with my nail file.
16:54It's my pleasure.
16:56I enjoy doing it.
16:59Oh.
17:00Three.
17:01Heavy breathing's been in here.
17:04Breathing heavy.
17:05Ah.
17:06And now you.
17:07Four.
17:08Gushing all over me as if I'd just given birth to triplets.
17:11Carry on like that, darling.
17:13And it could be arranged.
17:15Perhaps they're only trying to be friends.
17:17Shows you.
17:18They're their own worst enemies.
17:20Not theirs.
17:21Mine.
17:22Now.
17:23Five.
17:23Stand up straight.
17:25Six.
17:26Get out.
17:28Seven.
17:29Do Beowulf, Terrace and bingo!
17:31Move!
17:35One.
17:36Two.
17:38Two.
17:45Hoor五.
17:50One.
17:52Four.
17:53Two.
17:55One.
17:57Two.
17:58One.
17:59Two.
18:02We both.
18:04One.
18:04Two.
18:05half a league half a league on way to the valley of death wrote the four dustmen
18:14shut up
18:29oh switchboard mr. Sinclair here are there any more complaints coming through none at all and
18:37there's nothing wrong with my telephone in that case God's in his heaven and all's well with Beowulf
18:43Terrace Merry Christmas love yes I know it's only September
19:03is it because you can't spy United
19:07is it because you're a dustman and city's rubbish
19:18great idea chatting up bloody designer now we're all miserable even him there's only three hours
19:26since he had the joy of watching a ball being kicked in the air cheese and egg what the hell
19:33do you want
19:34you always say Eric me flower as a rule this is the bloody exception oh what the hell do you
19:42want
19:42nothing good nothing at all suits us I wouldn't tell you now even if you asked me which we want
19:50right
19:51right right good I was gonna pose another question namely what do we do now to make bloody Delilah happy
20:04just graph like hell all day I suppose no more little perks or and in his notice and become
20:13her hostesses or alternatively what I haven't entirely ruled out the use of force I've only got 16 shillings
20:26while Friday in my Torby jug on mantelpiece and three and a half books of green stamps you're welcome to
20:33the lot
20:33we only want you to do us a favour madam tell them to get off when you promise to do
20:38us the paper
20:38get off get off get off aren't you strong I promise I promise okay lads
20:47not you
20:51terrorising an innocent constituent a girl bends down to white stone her step and next minute the yard door bursts
20:57open and
20:59what sort of favour do you want doing and if it's anything like what I think it is I shall
21:03dial 999
21:05dial the cleansing depot instead and tell our gaffer that we've emptied your bin washed it polished it
21:11swept your yard out and planted geraniums in between the cracks tell him you're happy with us and won't
21:16shout at us no more what for then he'll be happy with us and won't chatter us no more I'll
21:22provide the
21:23sixpence you're no psychiatrist are you yes thanks you got it all wrong hey human nature I'll explain it
21:32to you thank you on my second thought if he'll do me a little favor I'll explain it to him
21:38then he
21:39can explain it to you cheese and egg say no say no quarter of an hour 20 minutes
21:58who's the cream of bigging york pig in city
22:17well well what did you explain about human nature I'll say and and I wish I was a bloody
22:26hero's desk I mean about us all that I she said she likes it when we're late empty in a
22:35dustbin
22:35it gives us something to shout about it's her only pleasure well her only pleasure but one
22:44I don't I don't I'm bloody delilah's the same affirmative if we're sky being it gives him something to shout
22:52about affirmative which he enjoys affirmative if he says affirmative once more I'll have him doctor
23:00chella he's not lonely he doesn't want mates he likes being miserable it makes him happy right
23:10geronnie bloody mo
23:13he's not being miserable we'll make him bloody ecstatic
23:35this is an automatic answering service your complaint has been noted and will be rectified if you're not a
23:40immediately this is an automatic answering service your complaint has been I know it's twenty past four and they've
23:50usually emptied your bins by nine o'clock madam don't get your knickers in a twist
23:55you can't be far away
23:58come then
23:59One, two, three!
24:29One, two, three!
25:10One, two, three!
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