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00:09No way, and you cannot have it yet.
00:11Something came up.
00:14Can we move this along here, please?
00:16You're not wrapping a Christmas present.
00:17I've got a party to go to.
00:19Lady, your leg is broken.
00:21You're not going to do anything except go home and rest.
00:24Less yapping, more wrapping.
00:26Lois, I am so much less high now.
00:29Sir, please, their earlobes are gushy.
00:31Gushy, gushy.
00:32Stop it.
00:34I want my little hammer back.
00:38Bing.
00:39Okay, we'll print your post-treatment orders and get you some painkillers.
00:43Yeah, I don't need them.
00:44What are you doing?
00:45Sit down.
00:46Your past is still setting.
00:48You don't even have crutches yet.
00:49You're going to injure yourself even worse.
00:51Then I'll come back after the party tonight, and you can fix that.
00:54Come on, Hal.
00:56Hal?
00:58Squishy.
00:59Oh, squishy.
01:03Life is unfair.
01:09Hey, come on, let's go.
01:11Mom and Dad are already there waiting.
01:13Kelly, breathe.
01:14It doesn't start till 8.
01:15You want to look sharp or not?
01:17Just, I wish I knew what revenge Reese had planned for me.
01:19Don't worry about Reese, because there's nothing you can do about it.
01:23It's like a tornado, except there's no alert.
01:25It's just something you've got to accept.
01:28What the hell?
01:29My underwear's already too tight.
01:30Francis, get me a pair of your mom's granny panties.
01:34Right away, honey.
01:38Wayne, you need to adjust these speakers.
01:40I'm not talking about the volume.
01:41I'm talking about the mix.
01:42That speaker is too quiet, and these three are too loud.
01:45And did you remember the backup tables I asked for?
01:47I know you don't mean it, but I'm getting a vibe of impatience bordering on menace,
01:51and it's pushing my agitation levels past the point of productive conversation.
01:54So, we'll continue this after I've run cold water over my hands.
01:57Honey?
01:58Now, please, I don't need any help.
02:00Just back off, and let me do everything.
02:02Honey, I'm so sorry.
02:04I should have realized that my natural enthusiasm was just adding to your stress.
02:10You've got this.
02:11Everything is already perfect.
02:13Are you still high?
02:14No.
02:15I'm just more perceptive, because of the ego death that I experienced from my expanded consciousness.
02:22This is so yummy.
02:25Let me know if you want a break.
02:27I juggle the sound pizzas every Wednesday at Shadyside Assisted Living.
02:31Yodeling, barbershop, yodeling, barbershop.
02:34People go nuts.
02:40Wow, surprisingly nervous.
02:42What's surprising about it?
02:43Yeah, he goes to these people for years, and now you have to face them and explain why.
02:47Hey, hey, here's how I see it.
02:49We both want to avoid Mom and Dad as long as we can,
02:51so we hide into the spotlight dance and come out when I'm the happiest.
02:54Before then, it's every man for himself.
02:59Nice.
03:00Give me your business card later.
03:02Malcolm?
03:04Malcolm!
03:05Oh, are those your friends?
03:08I wouldn't call them my friends.
03:09Malcolm!
03:10It's us!
03:11Your friends!
03:14Hey, guys.
03:15I don't know how we've missed our fourth musketeer.
03:21Lloyd, Dabney, Kevin, this is Tristan and my daughter Leah.
03:24You procreated!
03:26What a relief.
03:27The three of us have also created a child.
03:30Like, with a surrogate?
03:33Sure.
03:34That's our Hubert.
03:39There's an ant!
03:41Don't worry, I have confused them.
03:43So, what have you guys been up to?
03:45Genetic Tech Resources.
03:47Incorporated in college and started getting contracts before we even graduated.
03:51Department of Defense.
03:53We're doing so much weird shit.
03:58There's your mom.
04:06Stevie!
04:06Oh, my goodness!
04:08It is so great to see all of you.
04:10Oh!
04:11Hi, there.
04:13This is Tristan and Leah.
04:15Hi.
04:16How are you?
04:17I was wonderful.
04:18Up until the moment I caught my ex-husband wallowing in his usual vortex of resentment,
04:23based on nothing other than his own self-loathing.
04:26But thanks for asking.
04:28Tell your mother, I do resent her showing up here, wearing the necklace I gave her 29 years ago to
04:35be my forever love.
04:37It is a slap in the face across space and time.
04:40Tell her!
04:47Dad
04:50says
04:54he does
05:00resent
05:02Ron Coward.
05:05You...
05:06All I'm saying is Dewey is stupid to be here on a laptop.
05:10Eat my balls, Jamie.
05:11I'm being considerate.
05:13Excuse me.
05:14Hey.
05:15I'm sorry.
05:16We'll have to get back to you.
05:17We're all just so busy.
05:19Yeah, we're completely swamped.
05:20I'm sorry.
05:21I don't have any excuses.
05:23I just want to clear the air and make it right.
05:27Please.
05:30Well, it's not like this is the first horrible thing you've ever done.
05:34Hey, Leah.
05:35Do you want to hear all the horrible things he's ever done?
05:37Yes.
05:38Kids, I need some help.
05:39They put the Chibari chairs and high tables in front of the low tables,
05:42and it's blocking the eyeline to the stage.
05:44Hi, Grandma.
05:46Well, it's somebody who actually likes to hug.
05:48I said I would try it for your birthday.
05:51Malcolm, I'm so happy.
05:53He must have dropped and crawled.
05:55What the heck is wrong with him?
05:57He showed up.
05:58Give him a break.
05:59No.
05:59Jamie's not ashamed of his family.
06:01You know how hard it was for him to get permission to leave the base and come here?
06:04Oh, they don't know that I'm gone.
06:06I'm on guard duty right now.
06:10In the face.
06:13Across space.
06:17And...
06:20Time.
06:22Okay.
06:22Who wants another one?
06:23Well, you can tell your father to find a dictionary and look up the meaning of the word gift.
06:28Unless it's like every other thing in our relationship that came with secret conditions that he would only reveal
06:33when he needs to attack me when I'm at my most vulnerable.
06:44She loves you.
06:49Can I have Francis headhunt?
06:54That's what militaries put into us, baby.
06:57You'll never say again.
06:58Hey, boys.
06:59Wow, you started early.
07:01I think ten is a respectable age.
07:03We were just raising a toast to our dear old Commandant Spatner.
07:08Run, Dale!
07:09You want our bastards?
07:12You want to tell me what's in the sack?
07:14Are you my parole officer?
07:17I'm serious, are you?
07:18Okay.
07:19We decided to do one last paper for old time's sake.
07:24Nice statue head.
07:26I came.
07:28I sawed.
07:29I conquered.
07:32That's good.
07:34We're putting that on the Instagram.
07:37It was the most beautiful transcendent experience.
07:41Abe said you were rolling around naked on filthy linoleum choking yourself.
07:46Transcendently.
07:48Psst.
07:49Kelly.
07:50Before you try anything, just remember, revenge for an unjustified revenge is justified,
07:54but revenge for a justified revenge is unjustified revenge.
07:57Yeah.
07:59Relax, we're in a ceasefire until the party's over.
08:01Could you sneak me a couple dinner rolls?
08:12It's so nice to have someone I can share my deepest feelings with.
08:23Crap.
08:25Yeah, sounds like I'm seven.
08:27Quick, change the subject.
08:33Perfect setup.
08:35I look great.
08:52I made him nervous.
08:54I made him nervous.
08:58Cute.
09:00Pretty.
09:01Hot.
09:15Ew.
09:17Ew!
09:20Wait, where the hell did you get that mac and cheese?
09:23I brought it from home.
09:26When I get back, I'm expecting a new full-side plate handed over without any looks.
09:33There you are, Piyama!
09:35Oh, my juicy chili bean.
09:40Gretchen, so great to see you.
09:43We were so sorry to hear about Otto.
09:47He didn't suffer.
09:49The puma is very quick and efficient.
09:51What are you doing now?
09:53I am a doula for cattle.
09:55I go from town to town, cow to cow, helping them give birth.
10:00It's very spiritual.
10:03Well, not the clean up.
10:04That's nasty.
10:11Oh, my goodness.
10:13You have a calf inside you.
10:16How did you...
10:16Oh, it's my gift.
10:18Boy, old girl.
10:19We don't know yet.
10:21Oh, my goodness.
10:23Do you want to?
10:25What the hell?
10:26The video of us beheading the statue got 3,000 dislikes.
10:30Who doesn't love a classic prank?
10:32Let me see.
10:35Uh, where was this statue?
10:38In front of a bar.
10:40Had a creepy vibe so we didn't go in.
10:41And did this bar have a name?
10:44That was weird, too.
10:45It was called Stagnus.
10:48What is that?
10:49Like, how much you're like a stag?
10:52Idiots, it's not Stagnus.
10:54It's St. Agnes.
10:58It's a church.
11:00Whose statue do they put in front of churches?
11:07Looks like...
11:10Burger King.
11:11Well, no wonder they're mad.
11:13People love that guy.
11:27Hubert!
11:28Come next with Dada, Dada, Dada!
11:36Maybe I'm overreacting.
11:38Maybe he was teasing.
11:46What a creep.
11:49My first crush is a creep.
11:57It's been 20 minutes.
11:59I still don't have a better idea.
12:01Welcome!
12:04Occupied?
12:05You think I wouldn't crawl under and pull you out of there?
12:15Can we do this outside the men's room?
12:17Nope.
12:17It's gone on long enough.
12:19We're gonna straighten everything out right here, right now.
12:21We're gonna go back to the party as a family.
12:22The shrimp is bad.
12:23The shrimp is bad.
12:25We're not serving shrimp.
12:27I ate something with a tail on it.
12:32Oh, sweet mother-mercied prayer!
12:34Now let's go.
12:36You can't be serious.
12:38If you want to get out of here, you are gonna tell me why you have been doing this.
12:44Come on!
12:44Out with it!
12:47Sorry, I know you didn't mean me.
12:49How do you think one conversation in a toilet is gonna fix everything?
12:53I don't, but at least it's a start.
12:55What do you want to do?
12:56Wait for my funeral?
12:57There's nothing to say.
12:59It's just the way we are.
13:01We all just swirl around each other fighting and taking turns creating disasters.
13:05So we drive each other nuts, so what?
13:07That's what families do.
13:09It's more than that.
13:10I...
13:11I like myself better when I'm not around you.
13:14So you have said.
13:16And I...
13:19feel bad for who I am when I am around you.
13:22What?
13:22You yelling?
13:24Spitballs to a battleship.
13:26No.
13:26I mean, I know I'm disappointing you.
13:32What?
13:34He said he knows he's disappointing you.
13:38Sorry.
13:39I'll be quiet.
13:41Now I'll be quiet.
13:43Mom, you've always had these gigantic expectations of me.
13:48Like I'm some sort of superhuman brain that can fix all the world's problems.
13:52I'm sorry.
13:53I can't.
13:53And I can't deal with that pressure.
13:55When did I ever pressure you?
13:57You said I had to become president of the United States.
14:00President?
14:01Is...
14:01Is that what this is about?
14:04Malcolm, that was just a plan.
14:08Plans aren't contracts.
14:09They're just plans.
14:11Your father and I have made hundreds of them.
14:13And look at us.
14:14Barely ever work out.
14:15So we just make some new ones.
14:17Yeah, you can't take it that seriously.
14:23That was you lying?
14:28You've been lying to me all this time?
14:31Do you know the kind of drama you caused me for a lie?
14:34Maybe you've suffered under your lie for 18 years?
14:39What kind of satanic monster are you?
14:45Oh, they found each other.
14:48We tried to give you very specific positive goals to help you get through college.
14:52So you wouldn't just party and drop out and end up in a homeless shelter.
14:56That was called good parenting.
14:57You don't even care about the constant stress and anxiety of trying to live up to that?
15:02Do you realize that my degrees, my charity, the awards, my beautiful, perfect daughter,
15:10finding a woman who loves me for me and makes my life complete?
15:14All of that was based on your lie.
15:16How could you do that to me?
15:21Wait.
15:23Malcolm, you've accomplished so much.
15:26And all of it is you.
15:29It's just you.
15:32You're a good father.
15:33You're a good man.
15:35Better than we ever hoped.
15:38And I wish we didn't upset you so much.
15:40And I can't say it's ever going to get better.
15:43I just miss you.
15:47I miss you, too.
15:52I'm trying so hard to hold it, and it just makes the pitch go higher.
15:55Please, let's just get out of here.
15:58Oh, by the way, I love my granddaughter.
16:02Yeah, that's pretty easy.
16:03And I approve of Tristan.
16:04Thanks.
16:05I mean, I don't actually need your approval.
16:08I know, but I approve anyway.
16:11Thanks.
16:12I really love her.
16:14I think I love her like you and Dad.
16:23We are no longer friends.
16:25We'll discuss it after dessert.
16:30Hey, Dad.
16:31Looking good.
16:32All better now?
16:34Glad we're past that.
16:34We're not past it yet, Rhys.
16:38Do we miss anything?
16:39Hold me higher.
16:39I can't see his face.
16:40You are in for it now.
16:41All right.
16:42You're right.
16:42It's your moment.
16:43We'll pile on later.
16:46Dad, there's no point in me saying I'm sorry.
16:49I'm always sorry.
16:51But this is different.
16:52I not only took advantage of you, I did it by pretending to have a closer, more loving relationship.
17:02I know how horrible I made you feel.
17:04And the horrible thing for me is I was faking the relationship I always wanted with you.
17:14Way to take all the fun out of it.
17:16Nice, man.
17:17That is the most honest apology I have ever heard.
17:22Wow.
17:22But it is completely meaningless.
17:25Oh, wait.
17:25It's good again.
17:27You have always counted on the fact that no matter what you do, I will always love you.
17:32And that is just true.
17:34It is for all of you.
17:36I assumed the love was just there in every cell of my body, and I was helpless to prevent it.
17:44But then I realized that that was just for your mother.
17:47You guys are completely different.
17:49You are so unfailingly destructive and self-absorbed and oblivious that you make it so damn difficult.
17:58That my genuine, deep love is an actual act of heroism.
18:04Well, do you realize how good that makes me feel about myself?
18:11Thank you for that gift.
18:14Especially you.
18:22Are you sure everything's ready?
18:23Don't worry.
18:25Don't worry everything's ready or just don't worry?
18:27Whatever answer makes you stop glaring at me, I don't like it.
18:31That's too late now anyway.
18:35Can I have your attention, please?
18:38Everyone?
18:41This is such an important day for me.
18:45After 40 years of frustration, Hal has finally let me celebrate our relationship my way.
18:54My way.
18:56Today is happening exactly the way I always wanted it to.
19:00Because, honey, for once, for once, it's not about me.
19:10It's about you.
19:12Oh.
19:20Happy anniversary, sweetheart.
19:23This has taken so many online tutorials and equipment rentals and crazy expensive laptop I've been hiding from you.
19:30And I hope you like it.
19:32What would you like people to know about your father?
19:35That is a complicated man.
19:40No, he's not.
19:41He's the least complex man of all time, which I love.
19:45I spend so much time touring in different cities.
19:48Sometimes I don't know where I am.
19:50And then Dad calls.
19:51He doesn't understand time zones.
19:53And it's always like four in the morning.
19:57But it's still very thoughtful.
20:00Two minutes talking to him, I feel like I'm home.
20:04Anyway, it got me thinking.
20:06And I wrote this.
20:13For me, the most singular thing about Dad is his stamina.
20:18The sheer amount of grief he could stomach.
20:21I got in trouble, got in fights, got suspended, got expelled.
20:26Twice.
20:27Dad was always unfailingly patient with me.
20:31The first time I met Hal...
20:33Oh, got married to you without telling them?
20:35That was a big one.
20:37Anyway, I was dreading it.
20:39As far as I knew, all dads were drunk and mean.
20:41But he was always so steady and reliable.
20:44Now he feels like my real dad.
20:47Got arrested three times.
20:49No, arrested twice.
20:50Expelled three times.
20:53We were all pretty wild.
20:57But my brothers, they were so far ahead of me that I needed to find my own thing.
21:02So, I chose noise.
21:06I especially like the sound of crashing.
21:09Dishes, lamps, big windows, little windows.
21:13If you know what you're doing, I mean, you can create these frequencies that work right through your brain.
21:18And when dad stopped me, he was always so gentle about it.
21:25I mean, it really made me want to be peaceful.
21:29I really appreciated his tenderness.
21:33Even though I'm kind of a tough guy.
21:35I mean, look at these beasts!
21:39Can the love of your life be a man?
21:42Another heterosexual man?
21:43I say yes.
21:44A thousand times yes.
21:46When someone is that loving and giving and honest and true, you can't stop it.
21:52You understand?
21:53He's not just my best friend.
21:55He's the best person.
21:57No one disagree with me on this one.
22:04Hal is a great man.
22:09Everyone expects me to talk about how forgiving and accepting he is.
22:13And he totally is with me.
22:16I don't know why I do what I do.
22:18I actually asked a therapist about it, but he was all,
22:21I don't know you, and I don't work for free.
22:24But what I'm really thankful for is the optimism he gave me.
22:29I still wake up every day thinking I'll be better.
22:32He's always cheerful.
22:33And honest.
22:34And helpful.
22:35And wise.
22:36And honest.
22:37I don't know why you already said that.
22:39I admire his enthusiasm and his courage.
22:42He could try anything and make us do it too.
22:44Our vocal group, Firewall.
22:47Firewall.
22:48And don't forget, insightful.
22:50Nobody else recognized that my bluster was just a cover to hide my shame at ruining Secret Santa.
22:56And he's incredibly generous.
22:58Especially when they play in poker.
23:01Hey, Dad.
23:02I'm sorry this is so rushed, but I'm just a holy swamp.
23:04But I want to say I love you.
23:06I admire your decency and your honesty and your hair.
23:11So happy birth anniversary.
23:13Hey, Linda, can you print me that report?
23:16I was like five when I started feeling wrong.
23:23I thought I was great at hiding it because you guys never said anything.
23:28But then I had this one really shitty day in fifth grade, the other kids and even my teacher.
23:43When I had little kid problems, I'd just go to Dad and he'd clown around and make me feel better.
23:53And I wanted to do that, but instead I just blurted out, Dad, am I wrong?
24:03And he was looking at me and I knew that he knew and had always known.
24:13And I could tell he was thinking, like, really hard.
24:20And I was terrified.
24:25And then, then he finally said, it could be nicer to your mom sometimes.
24:33So, yeah, I like him.
24:40Sincere.
24:41Loyal.
24:42Tenderness.
24:43Brave.
24:43Funny.
24:44Faithful.
24:44Incredible.
24:45Remarkable.
24:46Romantic.
24:46A wrinkly.
24:47Loving.
24:47Charmant.
24:48Fearless.
24:49Fittery.
24:50Sparkling.
24:50Sex.
24:51Self.
24:51Elf.
24:52Amazing.
24:53Father.
24:54Love.
24:55Love.
25:02We did it!
25:03Woo-hoo!
25:04Oh, I was a beautiful mom!
25:10Hal, when we first met, I knew I'd been looking for you my entire life.
25:20You're my wish come true.
25:23Oh, my God.
25:26Oh, my God.
25:27Oh, my God.
25:28Oh, my God.
25:29Oh, my God.
25:50No one's ever done anything like that for me.
25:54No one ever let us.
25:56Excuse me?
26:00It feels weird to insert myself into this moment, but if I don't do it now, I'm afraid
26:06I never will.
26:08Dad.
26:11I'm sorry for how crappy my part in that was.
26:15I didn't realize how much this meant.
26:18How much you meant.
26:22I'm sorry.
26:33I thought I was improving myself by being away from you, but instead, I forgot the important
26:40things I learned from you.
26:41Give everyone a chance.
26:45Love is brave.
26:49Don't stop believing.
26:52I know where you got that one, but it's still good.
26:56So, love is brave.
27:02Tristan, I am so flawed.
27:05There are so many parts of my personality that don't work right, but I love you so much.
27:13Will you marry me?
27:18No.
27:30That doesn't work for everything, Stevie.
27:33Malcolm, I love you so much.
27:39But we both just found out we've been keeping gigantic, awful secrets from each other.
27:45We have to figure that out before we do anything.
27:51Except sex.
27:52We'll definitely have sex later.
27:54Yeah.
27:58Yeah.
28:00Yeah.
28:02Yeah.
28:03Yeah.
28:04Yeah.
28:04Yeah.
28:06Yeah.
28:14Sweetie, get off your phone.
28:16It's a party.
28:17Go talk to that little weirdo.
28:18He looks lonely.
28:27Hi.
28:28I'm Leah.
28:29Hubert.
28:30Who ordered you to approach me?
28:33My grandma.
28:34She could tell I was lonely.
28:35Just as I could tell you're lonely.
28:38It's probably because you're odd.
28:40I am.
28:41Well then.
28:43We're a match made in heaven.
28:44Don't do eyebrows.
28:45And you're already giving me good advice.
28:48We're blossoming.
28:51Hi.
28:52Would you like to join what may become a super cool friend group?
29:00Yeah, okay.
29:01Thanks.
29:03Can I ask you guys about something really embarrassing?
29:06If you knew me better, you wouldn't.
29:08But go ahead.
29:10Ladies and gentlemen, we present the anniversary dance under the spotlight.
29:14Please remember, they chose the music.
29:19What have you done?
29:21What are you talking about?
29:23Well, it's just a silly little romantic thing.
29:26It's no big deal.
29:27Do you feel my heart beating?
29:30Do you understand?
29:33Do you feel the same?
29:36Am I only dreaming?
29:41I believe it's meant to be.
29:47Do you feel the same?
29:51Am I only dreaming?
29:57Oh, my God, I'm seeing me in a dream.
29:59You are a dream.
30:08Do you feel the same?
30:11Do you feel my heart beating?
30:13Do you feel the same?
30:16Do you feel the same?
30:19Am I only dreaming?
30:22Oh, my God, I'm dreaming in a dream?
30:36Am I only dreaming?
30:37Do you feel the same?
30:40Do you feel the same?
30:46Am I only dreaming?
31:10I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I wasn't supposed to, I didn't mean to.
31:16Do you like it?
31:30This is the most incontestable forfeit of a security deposit of all time.
31:36And well worth it.
31:39Ow!
31:40What?
31:40What the hell?
31:42My leg is killing me.
31:48When the hell did I get a cast?
31:51Having friends is awesome.
31:53I had no idea.
31:55We talked everything out and they gave me a whole new perspective.
31:58So I am going to send a picture.
32:01Well, a screenshot.
32:03To his parents.
32:04And every girl in school.
32:10Teachable moment.
32:12Just so you know, Grandma actually helped me solve a problem.
32:16Really?
32:16How?
32:17Well, by bossing me around about something completely different.
32:21That's the M.O.
32:23It just occurred to me.
32:24My next poo is going to be amazing.
32:28Nice job ruining the anniversary.
32:31Me?
32:32Everything would have been fine if those rafters were spaced properly.
32:35Oh, fool.
32:35Those rafters are exactly the code.
32:37They absolutely are not.
32:39For God's sake, Reese.
32:40Building codes specify different rafter spacing for 4x6s and 4x8s.
32:44And there's no way you can tell the dimensions from down here.
32:46And when a zipper sticks, you don't keep yanking on it.
32:48All right?
32:48You pull gently and wiggle it side to side.
32:51That's another thing.
32:52That cheap zipper.
32:53There's tons of things to blame.
32:54Tomorrow we'll be down to City Hall.
32:56Well, I guess this is my life again.
32:57I just have to do everything I can to make it work.
33:01Mostly because I can't think of any way out of it.
33:04Hope Leah's going to be okay with this family.
33:07I like this family.
33:08I feel so much less weird by comparison.
33:11I hope Dad's going to be able to handle it.
33:15I'm sure he'll be fine.
33:32I'm sure he'll be fine.
33:46Let me show you how to land it on the dance floor.
33:48Rock back and forth, fish to pull another flight.
33:50Let me teach you how to...
33:51I'll be a freak, a soy.
33:53Come on and wind me.
33:55I'll be a freak, a soy.
33:58Come on and wind me.
33:59I'll be a freak, a soy.
34:01Come on and wind me.
34:10Yeah.
34:16Come on and wind me.
34:16You
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