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00:07Previously on Malcolm and the Mimph
00:15What are you looking at?
00:18Weease!
00:20You've been stealing money from the church!
00:33You're going to put your hands inside of Mommy and take out this baby!
00:39And someone actually asked for more of this.
00:44Life is unfair!
00:51I really appreciate the opportunity.
00:53Everyone in my class was after this internship.
00:56I fought tooth and nail for it.
00:57No problem. We are glad to have you.
00:59So, what do you guys do?
01:02Well, we install computer systems in grocery store chains and food manufacturers
01:07to align their inventory software with food banks and shelters all across the country.
01:11So instead of unused food getting dumped, it goes to people who actually need it.
01:16Got it. And what is a food bank?
01:20Maybe watch our video a few more times.
01:22Thanks.
01:27Yeah, I look different.
01:29But hey, everything about me is different.
01:32I'm happy.
01:33I'm successful.
01:34I've learned to work productively with idiots.
01:37My life is fantastic now.
01:40You want to know how I did it?
01:42All I had to do is stay completely away from my family.
01:46Quickly, go!
01:48Oh!
01:53Oh!
01:56Oh!
01:57Oh!
01:57Oh!
02:00You know, I think you are finally beginning to thin out.
02:03Mm-hmm.
02:04These things have lasted for six months.
02:05You know, I can call back later.
02:07Come on, Dewey.
02:07You've seen this like a thousand times.
02:09It's just a normal human body doing normal human behavior.
02:13Undergrowth.
02:16How's the concert tour?
02:18It's fine.
02:19But I'm really sorry I'm not going to make your anniversary party.
02:22I'm sad too, but you cannot turn down a chance to play for royalty.
02:26I mean, what if Carl Gustav wants to give you a knighthood or a sword or something?
02:29Is Jamie going to make it?
02:30I think so.
02:31He put in for a leave.
02:31Towel!
02:32Towel!
02:33Towel!
02:35Trauma averted.
02:39Hey, Dewey.
02:40Hi, Kelly.
02:41How's school?
02:41Beneath me.
02:42How's Sonia?
02:43Oh, um, it's not Sonia anymore.
02:45It's Lisbon.
02:46No!
02:46Annette.
02:47Anyway, she's good.
02:48We're really connecting.
02:49We're going to go shopping later.
02:51Do them want to come?
02:54Him can't come with we?
02:56Us has homework.
02:57Hey, he's trying.
02:58Don't mock him for it.
02:59I'm not afraid of you.
03:00That's not...
03:01I get good grades.
03:02I help around the house.
03:04I'm your only kid without a file at the police station.
03:06I'm untouchable.
03:07Yeah, well, it wouldn't kill you to tell your father you loved him every once in a while.
03:12I love you.
03:13Oh, that just sounds sarcastic.
03:15I love you.
03:17Now you sound annoyed.
03:18Kind of do.
03:19It's your timbre.
03:21I love you.
03:21I love you.
03:22I love you.
03:23The middle one was nice.
03:28So back in college, I completely turned my life around.
03:32Because I realized the less contact I have with my family, the less I act like a sociopath.
03:37I've become more patient, less angry, way more mature.
03:42Anytime I am around them, it takes me like two seconds to revert.
03:46For crying out loud, I speak fluent Spanish.
03:49I know how to say quesadilla.
03:50I don't know.
03:50It sounded like you said cusadilla.
03:52Oh, no.
03:53You're like, quesadilla.
03:55Siempre hacen esto.
03:56Intentan colegir a las personas por algo de lo que no sabes nada.
04:00Say exactamente como venerse a quesadilla.
04:02Quesadilla.
04:03That's it.
04:04That's what he said.
04:05Quesadilla.
04:12Grandma's television was plasma.
04:13I had to watch two episodes of frickin' Dexter with her, and it was obvious from the rich
04:17deep black.
04:18You're insane.
04:19She bought that TV in 2015, all right?
04:21There he has full array LEDs with the same picture quality for a quarter of the price.
04:26It's not showing off.
04:27It's a completely sensible, mid-price sedan.
04:30Why don't you just admit you're stuck up and shoving your shiny new car in my face to
04:34make me feel bad.
04:34Is this stuck up?
04:36Is this showing off?
04:39Is this me trying to make you feel bad?
04:42It's not them.
04:44It's me.
04:45Being around them.
04:46So I've arranged my life to ensure absolute minimum contact.
04:50My house is a two-layover flight for many one.
04:52I'm always swamped with work on holidays.
04:55But I also create the illusion of closeness with effusive emails and phone calls and birthday
05:00cards, saying how much I miss them and I can't wait to see them.
05:03It's really important to me not to hurt their feelings, because then they'll make me talk
05:08to them about it face to face.
05:10Welcome to Huge Mart, where our deals are.
05:13We still need a 200-pack of votive candles and 1,000 feet of ruby tassel garland.
05:17Oh, there's gold.
05:18No, 40th anniversary's ruby, not gold.
05:20Get in the game, Hal.
05:22Hey, lovebirds.
05:24I hid your mini-disco balls.
05:26Thank you, Craig.
05:27They're in the clone aisle behind my signature scent.
05:32Which is?
05:33Suave Sauvage, for him.
05:35Already got it.
05:37So, how do you like the new job?
05:39Well, my heart belongs to Lucky Aid, but after they denied my promotion and that mysterious,
05:45untraceable fire, I'm glad I found a new home.
05:47Lois, come quick.
05:49It's that famous celebrity you like.
05:52It's the V-Dub Street, my pants.
05:54Shh.
05:54Shh.
05:57Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:59Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:02Huh!
06:03Never had much faith in love or miracles.
06:08Miracles.
06:10Never wanna put my heart on the line.
06:15Huh!
06:16But swimming in your water is something spiritual.
06:21Spiritual!
06:23I'm born again every time you spend the night.
06:27E-I-I-I.
06:29Huh!
06:29Because your sex takes me to paradise and it's true.
06:36Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:38Because you make me feel like I've been locked out of heaven.
06:45For too long.
06:48For too long.
06:52For too long.
06:54Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
06:56Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
06:56Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:59Can I just stay here?
07:01Can I just spend the rest of my days here?
07:05Because your sex takes me to paradise.
07:09Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
07:12Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
07:15Because your sex takes me to paradise.
07:19Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
07:22Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.
07:32That's it.
07:33Now it's time, Meatball.
07:36Okay, let's take it from the sex part.
07:38Guys, the moment was magical.
07:40Let's not go past it.
07:42It was lovely.
07:43Hell, thank you.
07:44It was just a little weird two weeks before the anniversary.
07:47No!
07:48Before or after the party.
07:49We agreed.
07:50You can do anything you want, as often as you want, before or after.
07:54The actual anniversary day is mine.
07:57You promise.
07:57Under duress, I'll promise anything when you do that thing.
08:02Hal, for 39 years of anniversaries and birthdays and really every celebration,
08:07you do the most wonderful, romantic, amazing grand gestures.
08:11The fireworks display?
08:13Oh, yeah.
08:13Releasing those doves?
08:15That should have been done outside and away from the fan.
08:18And now this once, I want to be the one deciding how we celebrate
08:22and not have your plans just happen to me.
08:27Uh, yeah.
08:28Why don't you play with your friends while I finish up?
08:33She makes it seem like every little romantic gesture I've ever made is crazy.
08:39No, no.
08:40It won't hurt to let Lois do it exactly the way she wants to, for one.
08:44Oh, so I just sit back, do nothing, like I don't even love her?
08:47No, no, no.
08:47Not on my watch.
08:48Hal, please.
08:49You're the only one of us still married.
08:51Do not break a promise to that woman.
08:53I would never.
08:55Lois gets her day.
08:57But until then, every moment of every day, I will show her so much love,
09:01she will run screaming at the sight of me.
09:18Nice, right?
09:18And this isn't even the best thing.
09:20The best thing.
09:21The best thing in the whole world is who's inside it.
09:24My daughter, Leah.
09:26She's kind of a trophy I won in college for attending my first kegger.
09:29She hates that joke.
09:33Her mother, Dreamer.
09:34Yes, her name is Dreamer.
09:37Ran off three days after giving birth, so single father.
09:40But I'm good at it.
09:42I just imagine what my parents would do and do the exact opposite.
09:45It's not that hard.
09:50I won't make it worse.
09:51I won't make it worse.
09:56Just so you know, I don't cry like this all the time.
09:59And I also do depressed apathy, paralyzed embarrassment, and impotent fury.
10:07It's a rich inner life.
10:10Sweetie, what's wrong?
10:11Allison Gibgott invited me to her birthday party.
10:15Why is that sad?
10:17You want the list?
10:18I only want...
10:18Allison and her friends did this as a joke.
10:20They know I know they don't want me to go.
10:22If I do go, they'll freeze me out until I burst into tears
10:25and Daddy comes to get me, which is what they really want.
10:27I'm completely isolated at school.
10:30I've never had any friends.
10:31And my personality, by which I mean your personality,
10:35makes it impossible for me to ever have any.
10:39Okay, well, do you want my list?
10:41You're intelligent.
10:42You're beautiful and hardworking and incredibly perceptive.
10:46Yeah, thanks for that, too.
10:47That's how I notice every smirk
10:49and slight and microscopic eye roll
10:52aimed at me since first grade.
10:53Why'd you have to be so gentle with me growing up?
10:55I have no armor!
10:57Leah, look, I am so sorry you're going through this,
11:00but I promise it'll get better.
11:02It got so much better for me once I went off to college,
11:05so that's less than a...
11:07a decade.
11:10It's actually worse when he tries hard.
11:15Why'd that make you nervous?
11:17What?
11:17Your phone.
11:18Why did that call make you nervous?
11:19I'm not nervous.
11:21It was just work and we're talking.
11:24Maybe my concern for how upset you are
11:26is coming across as nervous.
11:27And why do you keep it so hot in here?
11:29I want to be alone now anyway.
11:31Okay.
11:33I'm not going to smother you.
11:34But I'm here for you.
11:36Like always.
11:37I love you.
11:39Really love you.
11:43Love you so much.
11:49Malcolm, I need you to call me back today
11:51about our anniversary.
11:52We have to know when you're coming.
11:53And we know you're coming
11:54because you would never be
11:55that monstrously inconsiderate.
11:57Love you.
11:59I didn't answer Dad's voicemail yesterday,
12:01so I knew it would escalate to Mom.
12:03I heard her with the email.
12:04Sorry, I was in emergency meetings till late
12:06and I just heard your voicemail.
12:08I scheduled that to send at 2.16 a.m.
12:10That way I look considerate
12:12for emailing instead of calling her back.
12:13Trust me, she'll check the timestamp.
12:16I have to set up six more food banks this month,
12:18but barring a crisis, I'll be there.
12:20That's what's great about running a charity.
12:23Anything I say is a crisis is a crisis.
12:26For charity.
12:29I scored the cut, dry-fitted twice,
12:31so now I glue it down.
12:33Perfect.
12:33This is so easy, I had no idea.
12:35I can't wait to start the gazebo next week.
12:37You know, Rhys, doing these projects together every weekend,
12:43I love it more than anything.
12:44Me too.
12:45I have to confess, though, that this floor was fine.
12:51You don't actually have to rotate floor tiles every six months.
12:55I know.
12:56You do?
12:58But almost every job we've done,
13:00the car, the backyard irrigation, the washing machine,
13:03they didn't need to be done either.
13:05It's my favorite thing to do anyway.
13:06I'm spending a lot of money
13:08fixing things that don't need fixing.
13:12And since this is really just about us spending time together,
13:16maybe we can do jigsaw puzzles.
13:18No!
13:18I know how to do puzzles.
13:20You steal one piece,
13:22so you're the only one that can finish it.
13:24We have to be building or fixing things.
13:26Oh, son.
13:26Whoa.
13:27What's going on?
13:30Dad,
13:31have you ever heard of
13:33a metaphor?
13:34A metaphor?
13:36Yes, Reese.
13:38We all know my life sucks.
13:40I ruined my job,
13:41my marriages.
13:43I don't really have any friends.
13:46That's not the metaphor yet.
13:48Ready?
13:49Yeah.
13:49Things like gluing these tiles
13:50so they fit together perfectly
13:52is a metaphor for me fitting in with people.
13:56And these tools are a metaphor for you
13:59and all the things in life you're teaching me.
14:02Mm-hmm.
14:02Dad,
14:03you're a tool.
14:05A tool to help me build my life back.
14:09I will always be your tool.
14:15You know what's great
14:16about going to a fancy private high school?
14:20Nothing.
14:21It was the same emotional shithole
14:22as every other high school.
14:26Mia!
14:27Hi, Allison.
14:28Did you get my invitation?
14:30It's going to be really fun.
14:31Dad got an aura camera.
14:32I did.
14:34Thanks.
14:34Great.
14:34See you there.
14:47Leah?
14:48Oh, hey, Cheyenne.
14:49I couldn't finish my math homework.
14:51Can you show me how to do a slope intercept?
14:53Of course.
14:54I don't mind at all.
14:55I'm always happy to help.
14:56You know,
14:56you don't have to panic about it.
14:58I wasn't panicking.
15:00Oh.
15:01It's just,
15:02I can see her even pulling out your hair.
15:05I'm not saying you pull out your hair.
15:06It's probably just ringworm.
15:07And that's easy to fix.
15:09Eight weeks of fungicide pills.
15:11Because it's not an actual worm inside your head.
15:12It's a fungus.
15:16Oh, God.
15:17What do I do?
15:18Make it seem like I was joking?
15:20All right.
15:21All right.
15:21All right.
15:26Come on.
15:27What is wrong with her?
15:29I'm really sorry about the whole thing.
15:31You othered Cheyenne in view of the peer group.
15:34Yeah.
15:34I knew I was upsetting her and I was trying to fix it.
15:36But I kept making it worse because right before,
15:39other girls hurt my feelings.
15:40So I wasn't thinking clearly.
15:42I'm not blaming them.
15:44They can't help it.
15:45Robert Topolsky has pretty compelling research
15:47that endorphin levels actually spike
15:48when members of an in-group exclude or attack
15:50members of an out-group.
15:52At least with chimpanzees.
15:57He's on YouTube.
16:08Once a week, he'll stand in the front yard shirtless and flex.
16:17Get ready.
16:18You're going to see something shocking.
16:22Hey.
16:22I'm proud of us.
16:24We actually got all the way to the bed
16:25before we weren't at it.
16:29Tristan, my girlfriend.
16:31I mean, it is so much more than that.
16:34She loves me.
16:35I know.
16:36It sounds like a lie to me, too.
16:39Now.
16:41How was your day?
16:42It was good.
16:43We won the Grosvenor Innovation Grant.
16:45I beat an AI.
16:47Dude.
16:48You don't have to keep proving how smart you are.
16:50I really don't care.
16:51Oh, except for my taxes.
16:53That was awesome.
16:54So what do you care about?
16:56I care that you always listen to me
16:58and that you're supportive
17:00and that you keep your promises.
17:04And mostly I care that you understand
17:06in a deep and complete way
17:09who I am inside.
17:13And you love me anyway.
17:15And I am so grateful for that.
17:18Jesus, I thought we were just doing panther.
17:23I gotta get her on.
17:27She's gonna like me.
17:29Right?
17:29Are you kidding?
17:30Leah's gonna love you.
17:32You're as worried as I am.
17:33What makes you say that?
17:33Because you know that if she doesn't like me,
17:36we can't move forward.
17:38I mean, eventually we'd have to break up.
17:40But I have so many plans to prevent that.
17:42Uh, mutual interest outings,
17:44weekly kindness days, shared journaling.
17:46There's one where you hold on to the end of a yarn ball
17:48and you pass it back and forth to each other
17:50and you keep saying nice things
17:52and you keep throwing it
17:53until you guys are both tied up really tight together
17:55in the yarn.
17:58I'm betting on us.
18:00Look, you can make friends with anyone.
18:02I've seen it.
18:02And it's obvious how much we love each other.
18:04Leah's gonna see that
18:05and she's gonna want to be a part of it.
18:06I don't know.
18:07When I was her age,
18:08I hated myself and everything in my field of vision.
18:11So shall I grow it?
18:12Can we wait for that?
18:14No.
18:14No.
18:15It is past time we did this.
18:18We're doing it.
18:19Okay.
18:20You're also honest
18:23and sincere
18:24and sensitive.
18:25Not to mention in bed
18:27the way you combine enthusiasm
18:31and startling physical strength
18:33with a clear understanding of nuance.
18:36Yeah.
18:39Tristan likes green,
18:40so maybe wear your chinos.
18:41She went to private school too,
18:42so you can talk about that.
18:43And politics just makes her upset.
18:47Movies.
18:47She can talk about them all day,
18:49but she loves rom-coms,
18:50so don't you say anything snotty.
18:52You can write this down if you want.
18:53I would,
18:54but my pen is busy doing actual homework.
18:57Sweetie.
18:57So when do I yell,
18:58I want my real mommy,
18:59and run out in tears?
19:01I'll surprise you.
19:02Please.
19:03This is important to me.
19:04Dad, I get it.
19:05It's your only chance for love,
19:06and I have complete control
19:08over your future happiness.
19:12Every parenting book says
19:13I shouldn't let you believe that.
19:19Kelly, where are you?
19:20What can I do?
19:21Are you okay?
19:21What's the matter?
19:22But I have to make up a lie
19:23to get my own brother
19:24to answer the phone.
19:25You have to promise me
19:26you'll come to mom and dad's anniversary.
19:27Kelly, I'm trying.
19:29Hey, listen to me.
19:30All they talk about
19:31is whether or not you'll be there.
19:32They're old, Malcolm.
19:34They could die any second.
19:35Decapitated in a car wreck.
19:37Slowly choking to death
19:38on a respirator
19:39from some lingering illness.
19:41Stabbed over and over
19:42by some drifter they took in.
19:43Clock is ticking, busy boy.
19:45You can do this for them.
19:46I am doing everything I can
19:48to be there,
19:48but my charity just has me
19:49so busy all the time.
19:50So you can figure out
19:51all this advanced infrastructure
19:52for hundreds of charities
19:53and corporations,
19:54but even after six months' notice,
19:56you can't plan half a day off?
19:58Wow, that's almost mom level.
20:01Okay, at their age,
20:02they're a little self-righteous,
20:04simultaneously overconfident
20:05and insecure.
20:07Validate their intentions
20:08and blow some smoke.
20:09Look, I am glad that you see
20:10how important this is
20:11for mom and dad.
20:12They are lucky
20:12to have you looking out for them.
20:14Other kids your age
20:15aren't half as perceptive.
20:17What?
20:18I'm on the phone.
20:19Okay.
20:20Look, I am so sorry,
20:22but I do have to get back to work.
20:23But don't worry.
20:25I'm sure I can be there.
20:26Love you.
20:26Hey, Linda, can you print me that report?
20:29With that one,
20:30you got to get in and out
20:31before they can think too much.
20:32How do you not allow glitter?
20:34You're a party venue.
20:36I just want a couple of handfuls
20:37for people to toss
20:38during our spotlight dance.
20:41Okay, so no glitter.
20:43Did our monogrammed cocktail stirrers
20:45with the little hearts,
20:46did they come in?
20:47No, no,
20:48they come with
20:49the Radiant Elegance Package.
20:53The Radiant Mystique Elegance Package?
20:55How much does that cost?
21:00Okay, let's do it.
21:02Such nonsense.
21:04I'm sorry to be taking
21:05all the attention away
21:06from your 40th birthday.
21:08Mom, I'm 39.
21:09I was born on your first anniversary,
21:11not your wedding day.
21:1439?
21:17Of course you are.
21:18Hey, how are you guys
21:19enjoying the new guest suite?
21:20The garage?
21:21Yeah, once we unpacked the bag,
21:23stomped a few spiders,
21:24got the plastic tarp
21:25off the bed,
21:26it was real homey.
21:27Me and dad did
21:28all the renovations.
21:28Your brother's become
21:29quite the handyman.
21:30Well, it is great.
21:32A heads up,
21:33the toilet wasn't connected.
21:34Would have been cool.
21:35You know,
21:36we could afford a motel.
21:37Absolutely not.
21:38We love having you here.
21:39Besides,
21:40you've got to save up some money
21:41until you get a solid job.
21:42Mom,
21:43I've been there 15 years.
21:44I'm senior management.
21:45I have 75 people under me.
21:47That's 75 people
21:48plotting to replace you.
21:50And you need to retie your bows.
21:52They need to be droopy.
21:53They droop?
21:54They need to droop languidly.
21:57Look at your father's.
21:58Your knots are too crisp.
22:00Use baby hands.
22:01Why don't you criticize his bows?
22:02Those aren't languid,
22:03they're turgid.
22:04Dad likes me better than you now.
22:07Did you ever talk to Malcolm?
22:08No,
22:09we keep trading emails
22:10back and forth.
22:11I know he's doing good things,
22:12but he is going to
22:13work himself to death.
22:14I just got off the phone with him.
22:17He's not coming.
22:23Okay.
22:24We can do this.
22:25It's going to be great.
22:26Love you.
22:27Love you.
22:27Do you need to pee?
22:28No.
22:28Yes.
22:29No.
22:30You got to leave.
22:31No, I'm sorry.
22:34Leah, we're here.
22:38Leah, this is Tristan.
22:42Hey.
22:44Hi, Leah.
22:51Good.
22:51We're easing in slowly.
22:53There's no rush.
22:58So, how much did he prep you?
23:06When you were four,
23:07you tried to scare Miss Rachel
23:08into canceling preschool
23:09by saying her mold didn't look right.
23:14You have to twist your hamburger bun
23:16exactly three times
23:17so the condiments smear evenly.
23:21You refused an award
23:22from the State Young Sciences Challenge
23:23because you thought
23:24it would make you a famous nerd.
23:26You love being a physical therapist,
23:28but you are grossed out
23:29when you have to touch old people.
23:32You fly into a spitting rage
23:33if you do Wordle in three.
23:35I do.
23:36Sometimes when you stand up too fast,
23:38you fart,
23:39and I have to ignore.
23:41I do, you don't.
23:44Now him.
23:45Has he ever told you about his
23:47reluctant move into politics?
23:50Oh, my God.
23:51No.
23:51One time I found a notepad
23:52where he wrote
23:52Assemblyman, congressman,
23:55lieutenant governor.
23:57And the thing,
23:58the thing with the aftershave.
24:06I've never been so happy
24:07to be humiliated in my life.
24:09It always does.
24:10This could be my family,
24:11my last checkbox.
24:13This is amazing.
24:14Malcolm,
24:15we are not doing this
24:16by email or text
24:18or over the phone or by Zoom.
24:19We are going to talk about it.
24:21No matter what you have to arrange,
24:23you are going to be at our anniversary
24:25with the rest of the family.
24:26Dad?
24:32You have a daughter?
24:34She's alive?
24:38What's happening?
24:44You made me do this!
24:46Malcolm,
24:47this family's nonstop
24:48antisocial behavior
24:49and mindless belligerence
24:50and myopic priorities
24:52are toxic to me!
24:53Every single bad thing
24:55that happened to my life
24:55is your fault!
24:57Getting away from you
24:58is how I finally stopped
24:59being such an asshole!
25:02Wait,
25:03so your biggest problem
25:05is that we exist?
25:11Oh!
25:13Oh!
25:13Oh!
25:16Who are you?
25:17I don't know.
25:18How could you do this
25:20to your family?
25:21No, stop.
25:23You insisted on barging in
25:24on my home, okay?
25:26Without an invitation,
25:27so you can at least
25:28give me the courtesy
25:28to explain myself.
25:30Please,
25:31sit down.
25:36Oh, my God.
25:37And what about us?
25:44Oh, my God.
25:47What's the matter?
25:49Oh, my God.
25:54Oh, my God.
25:54Oh, my God.
25:55Oh, my God.
25:57Oh, my God.
26:02Oh, my God.
26:04What?
26:34And you're not so big
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